Original subtitles

[loud clicking]

Uncle Martin.

Uncle Martin!

Uncle Martin, do you know what time it is?

The time?

Oh.

It's 12:03 AM and 16 seconds Pacific Standard Time,

08:03 AM and 21 seconds Greenwich Mean Time,

04:06 and 30 seconds sidereal space time, uh--

[bell dinging]

--8 bells nautical time.

Which do you prefer?

Well, I--

I was thinking of bedtime.

I mean, don't you think it's time you knocked it off?

Bedtime, bedtime.

Hmm.

I apologize for keeping you awake, Tim,

but, uh, do you have any idea what I'm doing here?

Running up my electric bill.

[clicking]

I'm on the verge of finding the solar wind

deviations on the equinoctial path

through the Van Allen belt.

Well, that sounds thrilling.

Don't you think you ought to hit the sack?

You haven't slept for two whole days.

I know, but I've got to finish my calculations before

the cosmic atmosphere changes.

If I can find the answer, I'll be

able to make it to Mars even on short fuel,

with a coasting probability of 20%.

But you--

Boy, I must be more bushed than I thought I was.

You know, for a minute there, you got fuzzy.

I-- I was seeing double.

You saw a double image of me?

Yeah.

I think I ought to go to bed.

No, no, not you, Tim.

Oh boy, I had no idea I was that exhausted.

I'm the one who had better get right to bed.

This could be serious.

Well, now, wait just one second.

Let me get it straight.

I saw double because you're tired, not me?

Mm-hmm. Exactly.

Oh.

Ask a foolish question.

[beeping]

[beeping]

[theme music]

Say, Uncle Martin, I'm sorry, but I am still confused.

You mean what I saw was a Martian safety valve at work?

Precisely-- to combat fatigue.

You see, Martians have a complete conscious brain

and body, and a complete subconscious brain and body.

The molecular structure is intermingled.

You were seeing both.

I guess it's true what they say about Martians,

then, having two heads.

Much as I hate to admit it, yes.

But it only happens when deep fatigue and overwork have

weakened the conscious brain.

At those moments, the subconscious

tries to emerge and assert itself in an effort

to escape and relax.

Oh, there's a marvelous article in my first aid book

I could let you read, if you're interested, Tim.

[snoring]

Now, why didn't I think of that?

[music - "brahms' lullaby"]

[suspenseful music]

[whimsical music]

[music - "brahms' lullaby"]

Ah.

[chuckling]

Well did you, uh, did you get everything you need?

Yeah.

Piping paper, adding machine tape, a set of screwdrivers--

but as long as we're at the market,

uh, don't you want to stop and get some groceries?

No, no, they're on sale at the drugstore.

Pierre!

Well, hey, give me five, pal!

I, uh, I beg your pardon, a five what?

Five what.

Get him!

Pierre, you bust me up.

Well, I'm afraid you'll have to put yourself

back together again, sir.

I am not, uh, Pierre.

What?

You mean to tell me that you and me didn't hit every joint

on the strip last night?

You know, the bongos, the Watusi,

and them two wild chicks?

Sir, I know nothing about poultry.

You've obviously made a mistake.

OK.

That's the way you want it.

What was that all about?

Exactly my question.

[loud clicking]

(SHOUTING Hey, I see you're in your pajamas, huh?

I, uh, I said I see you're in your pajamas!

Hey!

I see you are in your--

your pajamas.

Yes.

I thought it would be a good idea to,

uh, get to bed early tonight.

Mm-hmm. - It's a good idea.

I was going to suggest it myself.

I know.

Oh, that's right, you, uh--

that's right.

Well, I'll see you later.

I have a great date with a cute little--

Well, run along.

Oh, I was going to show you my latest findings,

but, uh, obviously you aren't interested in figures.

Only if they're 36, 20, 36.

Why that combination?

Does it have a special significance to you?

Uncle Martin, If you ever find a way back to Mars,

please don't take me with you.

MARTIN: Good night.

Pleasant dreams.

[music - "brahms' lullaby"]

(FRENCH ACCENT) A, B, 1, 5, 9, 6, 4.

Oh, Flossie.

Eh, sweetie, pussycat.

This is your own Pierre speaking.

Mm-hmm.

I will pick you up in a century, darling.

A century for me, an hour for you.

Darling, we are here.

I lay the tiki room at your petite pussycat foot.

Oh, Pierre, when you talk to me like that, I--

I could just swoon--

or something.

This way, sir.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Your perfume, beautiful one.

Following you to this booth in the trail

of such heady fragrance, I am overcome.

Oh, do you really like it?

It's called Queen of Paris and you can buy it all

the nice places, like Schwab's.

Oh, eatsville.

No, no, no, no, such eyes as yours, such limpid pools,

they should not look upon anything so commonplace

as a menu.

Well, that's all right, honey.

I'm wearing my contact lenses.

You gotta be kidding.

This has got to be an act.

That isn't nice.

Well, hun, we'll miss the floor show.

FLOSSIE: I'm so glad we came here, honey.

I just adore Italian food.

Oh, Davey, baby.

Pierre.

Oh, no.

Not again.

Davey, what is it?

I was looking for you.

This afternoon you said you wasn't Pierre.

OK, you ain't Pierre.

Oh, Davey, this is, um, Flossie.

Oh, oh--

Uncle Martin!

Hmm?

Uncle Martin, what are you doing here?

- Martin? - Martin?

TIM: Martin, my uncle.

Yeah, come on, stop kidding, Uncle Martin.

But I am Pierre.

You mean you're not Martin O'Hara?

You're Martin O'Hara.

You-- you ain't Pierre?

But I am Pierre.

Davey, you know me.

Remember last night the Watusi, the bongo.

Oh, that couldn't be my Uncle Martin.

To him, Lawrence Welk's too far out.

Good morning, Tim.

Oh, good morning, Uncle Martin.

Do you feel more rested?

Somewhat.

Well, whatever I dreamt last night, I must have enjoyed it.

My palms feel as if I've been applauding all night.

I can't get over it.

Can't get over what?

You.

Me?

Yeah, well, not exactly you.

But there was this guy I ran into last night,

and well, you look so much alike that I

was waiting for him to levitate the check all night long.

You mean some lucky chap bears a slight resemblance to me?

Not slight.

The spitting image.

Tim, I'd appreciate it if you would

please find another adjective when

you're referring to my image.

Oh.

Oh, yeah, well, I'm sorry, Uncle Martin,

but you should have seen this character.

He was really a weird guy.

I mean, well, he had this-- this phony accent, you know,

and this good-looking blonde, and when

he started to play the bongos--

The bongos?

Yeah.

And, uh, the name of the restaurant you were at,

was it, uh--

The Tiki Room?

You're reading my mind, huh?

No, no, no, I read the match cover

I found in my dresser drawer.

Well, at least I hope I played the bongos brilliantly.

Oh, you were great.

You?

You're Pierre?

Hmm.

So he's calling himself Pierre this time.

He?

He who, he?

Who-- what we talking about?

When a Martian needs rest and doesn't get it,

his subconscious brain and body materializes

the moment he falls asleep.

It goes off on its own, seeking relaxation.

You-- you mean every time you go to sleep, uh, he--

it-- he goes out and has a ball?

On Mars, all work and no play makes Jack a playboy.

Well don't look so worried about it, Uncle Martin.

I mean, you should have seen that blonde you

were with last night.

My conscious mind should do half as

well as your subconscious mind.

Tim, Pierre is an incurable romantic.

His uninhibited little frolics could point right to me.

I've got to find out what he's been up to.

Well, how do you do that?

Wait till the end of the month and then just

see what's chalked up against your credit card?

Shh.

This could be an answer coming in right now.

[knocking on door]

Hi.

Hi, Pete.

Pete?

(FRENCH ACCENT) Uh, is little for Pierre.

Oh, yeah, yeah, Pierre.

Oh, uh, Tim, this is, uh--

Harold, Flossie's big, big brother.

He sure, sure is.

MARTIN: This is my nephew, Tim.

Hey, that's funny.

You'll be calling me Uncle Harold.

Crazy.

That's how come I dropped by.

You was in such a hurry, I didn't get a chance

to see what kind of guy is going to sweep

my little sister into the arms of holy matrimony.

Hon, hon, hon, you wish to find out what kind of a fellow

I really am.

Yeah.

Like I play pro football, what do you do for a living?

Hey, this is a nice apartment.

Hey, what's that for?

Hon, hon, hon, you ask what I do for a living.

You have never heard of Pierre the Great?

No.

Perhaps you did not understand.

I intend to use my wife in the act.

You mean you're going to throw those knives

at my little sister?

Oui.

Oh, well, that settles it then.

You're the only man for her.

She's been trying to make it in show business for years.

I'll see you tomorrow night and I'll bring the ladder.

Ladder?

Well, whoever heard of eloping without a ladder?

Hon, hon, hon, hon, hon--

eloping?

Well, you said you didn't want a big wedding.

Oui, oui.

All right, see you tomorrow night.

Nice to have met you, nephew. - Yeah.

Good bye, Uncle Harold.

Boy, you talk about a fast operator.

I am telling you that your subconscious could

take Elizabeth away from Essex.

He did.

I've got to think of some way out of this.

But I'm so tired, and I can't even rest to refresh

my thought processes.

Well, can't you just take a little nap?

Tim, if I so much as fall asleep for one second,

that idiot lover Pierre will emerge.

Yeah, but he's not eloping until tomorrow night.

Once he materializes, he'll know what I'm trying to do.

He'll have her in Las Vegas and married in eight minutes.

Oh, come on, Uncle Martin.

Now you're exaggerating.

He can't make it in eight minutes.

In my spaceship.

[snoring]

Don't worry, Tim, I'm wide awake.

[snoring]

[lively music]

[yawns]

Uncle Martin. Uncle Martin!

Huh? What?

What's the matter?

You fell asleep.

Oh.

Oh, so I did.

But you know something, Tim, I feel remarkably refreshed.

Really? And I'll bet Pierre does too.

He's probably halfway up that ladder by now.

Now, come on.

If we hurry up, I bet we can catch him.

We can get ahead of him.

What?

Now what do you mean get ahead of--

Hey, aren't those silicon memory pills?

Correct, Tim.

Each one programmed with millions of information units

guaranteed to make one a walking encyclopedia.

Fine, but what does that have to do with breaking

up Flossie and Pierre?

If my assumption is correct, I know what

Pierre sees in that young lady.

One of these, and I'm sure we can change

that far away look in his eye.

Well, that's a very nice approach.

I certainly hope that you know your subconscious.

Ah, Tim.

Who do you think instructed Dr. Sigmund Freud?

(FRENCH ACCENT) Almost ready, darling, pussycat, bunny.

Oh, I'm so excited.

Imagine, here comes the bride--

and it's me!

Of course, my darling.

Ah, I will put this luggage in the car.

I'll be back in a minute, sweetheart.

[suspenseful music]

Well, at least they haven't left yet.

Yeah.

A bride would never leave without her luggage.

(FRENCH ACCENT) Sweetheart, pussycat, darling,

have you been running outside and climbing

in through the window with the luggage?

FLOSSIE: Don't be silly, silly.

Hmm.

Something must be wrong.

It must need an adjustment.

Now what?

(FRENCH ACCENT) Oh, well, I'll switch to manual.

[clears throat]

(FRENCH ACCENT) Flossie?

Ooh.

Real bubbles, Bill.

Only, uh, the best for you, my little, uh--

uh-- pigeon poopie bunny squirrel.

A little toast.

Oh, no thank you.

The drink's enough.

(FRENCH ACCENT) Hon, hon, hon.

I put the luggage in the car.

Now, where is my little jelly doughnut

apple strudel cream puff?

FLOSSIE: Just a minute.

Oh, of course, darling, but what is my little eclair

doing back there?

I'm just changing into something--

more suitable to the solemnity of the occasion.

Pardon, my little--

knockwurst.

What did you say?

I thought I made myself quite comprehensible.

We mustn't dissipate time in an attempt to communicate.

You are Flossie?

My little cupcake?

Well, it took some doing, but I got your hotel

reservations all set.

That won't be necessary.

I have been re-evaluating the prudence of such

a significant liaison as we contemplated, and have

decided in the negative.

Who said that?

She did.

I am, truly sorry, Pierre.

It just can't be.

You see, after I finish my anthropological research,

I shall fly away to Lambourne to work hand-in-hand

with the only man I could ever truly worship, Dr. Schweitzer.

What have you done to my baby sister?

You're trying to get out of marrying her?

What's he done to you, honey?

I would not do anything to hurt my little sparrow,

my canary, my hummingbird.

You shut up!

Why, a sneak attack?

Oh, Harold, that was a heinous demonstration

of physical brutality and a manifestation

of utter ignorance.

Oh, Flossie, don't say that to your brother.

I don't even know what it means.

Oh, gee, I-- I can't even talk to my baby sister no more.

I mean, just think of the frustration

if one can't find response to one's abilities' expression,

especially within one's own consanguineous group.

Oh, Harold.

Well, Uncle Martin, you look rested and refreshed.

And so I am.

The diversion created by Pierre took my mind off my work,

which is all I really needed.

Well, let's hope we've seen the last of joy boy.

We have, unless I allow myself to become tense from overwork

again.

Which reminds me, I have an engagement

and I probably won't be in until, uh, very, very late.

Mmm.

Well, I'm glad to hear that, uh, you are stepping out.

Which reminds me, I have a, uh, a couple of press passes

here to a musical.

Oh, thank you, but I don't believe

Flossie enjoys musicals.

Flossie?

You're going out with Flossie?

Mm-hmm.

At last I found a woman on this Earth,

Tim, who really understands me.

[theme music]