Original subtitles

(perky music)

- Uncle Martin, you're still up?

You know, it's two o'clock.

- Tim, the creative mind doesn't punch a time clock.

Do you suppose Shakespeare put down

his quill when the noon whistle blew?

- What is that, a submarine for midgets?

- Why must you Earth people try to conceal

your lack of knowledge with feeble attempts at levity?

You are looking at the first model

of the inframolecular electronic duplicator.

- [Tim] A duplicating machine?

They make those things by the dozens.

- Except that mine will produce solid replicas,

identical in every respect with the original.

- That will manufacture solid objects out of thin air?

- Mmm-hmmm.

- Oh now, come on.

I mean I've been kidded by experts, but that can't be done.

- Why can't it be done?

- Well because it, uh, um.

Because it can't.

(audience laughing)

Have fun with you toy, you'll be laughing

at this first thing in the morning.

That can't be done!

- Tim, you're absolutely right, it can't be done.

(perky music)

(futuristic music)

(playful orchestral theme music)

- I'd better stop, this place is beginning

to look like we're setting up for a two for one sale.

(audience laughing)

- That's uncanny, well I can't tell it from the real thing.

- Well they're both real, anything the lens

can see, the machine can copy.

- Well then what are we waiting for?

I saw a beautiful Colonial mansion in Beverly Hills,

it has tennis courts, and a swimming pool.

Oh no, wait wait, there is this magnificent

sea-going yacht down at Balboa.

(loud beeping)

What happened?

It's gone, it vanished.

- That's what I was trying to tell you, Tim.

The lifespan of the duplicates is rather limited.

- Oh, well then those beeping noises,

that's so to let you know that the objects are fading away.

(loud beeping)

You sure built me up for a big let-down.

There goes my mansion, my yacht.

Uncle Martin, I think I'm going to cry.

(audience laughing)

Come on in.

- Yoo-hoo!

I just wanted to try out my new hair-do on you.

I did it myself, do you like it?

- Mrs. Brown, no landlady has a right to look so beautiful!

As a matter of fact, I must say

I am tempted to raise my own rent.

However, I'm sure you didn't climb up

10 stairs just to get my opinion.

Hang on, I'll get an expert.

- Tim, why didn't you prepare me for this vision?

Where are my dark glasses?

- Oh Martin, I'm so glad you like my new hairdo.

Oh I hope it looks Polynesian, Detective Brennan

is taking me to the Tonga Tiki Room

and I don't want it to clash with the decor.

- Oh, Detective Brennan is taking you out?

- Yes, oh he's so thoughtful.

He sent me these beautiful orchids, aren't they lovely?

- Yes indeed, although just a wee mite anemic looking.

Oh, but don't worry, I'm sure they'll last out the evening,

if you water them regularly.

- Now Martin, I wish you could

learn to like Bill, just a little.

- Believe me, Lorelei, I do like him, just a little.

- As little as possible.

(audience laughing)

- The light is so bad in here, do you mind

if I use your bedroom mirror?

- Oh, please do.

- Thank you.

- You know something, she is really a great gal.

- Yes indeed, she's the only one of her kind.

- Why thank you, Martin.

(audience laughing)

- I forgot to turn it off!

- Tim, how could you do that?

- Well, it's easy if you haven't got a brain.

Do you mean to tell me that that

is an exact duplicate of the other one?

- Identical in every respect, but a lot less permanent.

We've got to get rid of her before the real one comes back!

- The light's so bad in here,

do you mind if I use your bedroom mirror?

(audience laughing)

- No no no, Mrs. Brown, you don't want to use

that mirror in there, because it's distorted, from the smog.

Oh but Tim has a much better mirror in his automobile.

- Yes, it's a marvelous new mirror,

it has high lights, low lights, key lights, flood lights.

- Come to think of it, there's a much

better mirror right there in the kitchen!

You go right there in the kitchen.

- Have you flipped your antennas?

- The cop's coming!

- Sorry to barge in like this,

but Lorelei isn't downstairs,

and I thought she might be up here.

- She is, she is, very much so.

(audience laughing)

- Lorelei told me you were a would-be inventor,

I suppose this is one of your kooky creations.

What is it, a carrying case for hamsters?

(audience laughing)

- Detective Brennan, why don't you stick

to putting chalk marks on tires of parked cars.

- Temper, temper.

Oh by the way, if you're thinking

of inventing the telephone, don't bother.

Alexander Graham Bell beat you to it.

- Aloha!

- Ah, Lorelei, aren't you lovely.

We better hurry, we have a reservation.

- Bye Martin, or as we Polynesians say, aloha!

Oh dear, I forgot my hankie.

- Tim!

- Shhhh shhhh shhhh, you gotta whisper.

- Whisper?

- Yeah, well you don't want to steam up the mirror.

- This is your idea of a mirror?

- Oh yeah, it's a lot better than

a glass one, I'll tell you why.

You see, if you drop it, no seven years bad luck.

And to polish it all you gotta use is steel wool.

(audience laughing)

- You're acting absolutely giddy.

Aloha, here I am Bill!

How do I look?

- Lovely, get your hankie?

- My hankie? Oh yes.

- Bye Martin, bye Tim!

Or as we Polynesians say, aloha!

- Uncle Martin, you just let him waltz out of here

with the duplicate, why didn't you stop him?

- What do you expect me to say?

Sorry old man, you're making a mistake,

if you wait a minute I'll get you the original.

- I'm ready, Bill.

Where is he?

- Where is he?

Um, Detective Brennan was broken-hearted, Lorelei,

but he had an emergency call from headquarters,

and he had to get down there right this very minute.

- Yes, something about a crime wave.

- I suppose duty comes first.

Well I do wish those criminals would be more considerate!

Right at dinnertime!

(audience laughing)

- Sinus problem?

- Shhhh!

- What are you doing?

- I was computing the second Mrs. Brown's life expectancy.

I'm afraid she isn't a very good insurance risk, Tim.

She's due to disappear in exactly

seven minutes and 12 seconds.

- Holy smokes, that means she could conk out

somewhere between the pineapple

spare ribs and the egg foo young!

(audience laughing)

(laughing)

Oh, I'd love to see the look on Brennan's face

when Mrs. Brown tells him she was home

waiting for him all evening long.

- He is a detective, Tim, and I'm more concerned

with the look on my face when he starts

asking embarrassing questions,

questions that might lead to him

finding out that I'm a Martian!

- Oh yeah, well it's all my fault, Uncle Martin.

I guess you think I'm a blithering idiot.

- Tim, everyone is entitled to a mistake.

There's only one thing to do, we've got to substitute

the real Lorelei for the phony one.

- Well that's just what I was going to say.

(audience laughing)

- I know, I'll drive you car down

to the Tonga Tiki Room to survey the battlefield.

You think you can get Lorelei

there without arousing her suspicions?

- Don't worry, I'll come through this time.

(soft Polynesian music)

- Something to drink, please?

- What's the host special?

- A Surfboard.

- Lorelei, would you care for a Surfboard?

- A Surfboard?

Well I don't know, I don't swim very well.

(audience laughing)

- We'll take two.

- Tim are you sure that Bill said to wait for him here.

- Yes yes, as a matter of fact,

he called right after you went downstairs.

- Psst psst psst!

- Uh, Mrs. Brown, why don't you sit down

and just don't move from that spot

because I know you wouldn't want to miss him.

I'll be back before you can say mahi mahi.

(audience laughing)

Private O'Hara reporting, sir.

What's the strategy, General?

- I've got it worked out to the split second.

A, in exactly 30 seconds, the surplus Mrs. Brown

will go right in there to wash her hands.

Now B, the moment she's safely inside,

you steal Lorelei over to Brennan's table.

Alright, synchronize watches.

- I have one little question for you.

What makes you think that Mrs. Surplus

is going to go in there and wash her hands?

- Tim, that's why you're the Private,

and I'm the General.

(audience laughing)

- Aloha!

- Aloha to you, my little jungle flower!

- You like to take native doll with you?

- That all depends on what time native doll gets off work.

(audience laughing)

(soft Polynesian music)

- [Lorelei] This is a Surfboard?

- Good.

- Mmmmmm, delicious.

- Mmmmmm.

(audience laughing)

- Oh my goodness, these shells may be exotic,

but they're certainly not practical, excuse me.

- Oh Tim, I think I should phone Bill.

- Yeah, well you go right ahead.

(audience laughing)

Oh well, look at that.

(audience laughing)

- Oh I'm sorry!

Well, it was just an accident!

(audience laughing)

Well excuse me.

- Oh Tim!

- Oh, right there, look keep this warm will you,

till I get back to Mandalay.

(audience laughing)

- Isn't that ridiculous, why Detective Brennan

must have been in the dining room the whole time!

- Well of course, we're having dinner here!

- Yes, well you don't want to miss,

well you don't want to keep him waiting.

(audience laughing)

- Bill, you'll never guess who's here, Tim O'Hara!

And he's acting so peculiarly!

You wouldn't believe it.

- Oh yes I would.

(audience laughing)

Living with that Uncle of his, I don't wonder.

- Now Bill that's an

(beeping)

awful thing to say!

Martin is a very intelligent

(beeping)

- Lorelei, I'm afraid that drink was too strong for you.

- Oh nonsense, I never felt

(beeping)

in my entire

(beeping)

(audience laughing)

- What time did you say you got off work?

- I didn't.

- Uh, excuse me.

- Of course.

- Good work, now to get the duplicate out of here,

on some pretext, drive her around for about 12 minutes,

and our troubles are over.

- Martin!

What are you doing here?

- Now now, don't get excited Mrs. Brown,

there's a fireman at your house.

- A fire, oh my goodness!

I better get home right away!

- Of course.

(audience laughing)

Tim!

(audience laughing)

(loud beeping)

Oh Lorelei, uh, would you excuse us a minute please?

- What did you stop for, didn't you hear her beep?

She's starting to disintegrate!

- An excellent analysis, except for one thing.

The beeps aren't coming from her,

they're coming from her.

- Oh, that's impossible, I never took

my eye off that door for one second.

- I get off work at midnight, sweetie pie.

(audience laughing)

- Not for one second?

- Oh well, maybe just one tiny

- Martin, Tim, the fire!

- Fire, oh Lorelei, I'm afraid I said there was a fireman

at your house, selling tickets to the annual ball.

- Yeah, he'll be back tomorrow.

- Lorelei, did you see Konokipoki, the Samoan rain god?

They say he's guaranteed to produce showers

if one concentrates on him long enough.

- Oh, that's silly.

However, my petunias have been drooping lately.

- Then concentrate.

- What's up?

- I don't know why I didn't think of this sooner.

The duplicator, by reversing the mechanism,

I can pick the exact time

of our other Mrs. Brown's disappearance.

- Do you mean erase her? Rub her out?

- Don't make it sound like I'm public enemy number one!

You just keep the real Lorelei busy.

- Well where'll you be?

- As soon as I get my duplicator,

I'll be back behind that divider.

(audience laughing)

(suspenseful music)

(audience laughing)

(suspenseful music)

(audience laughing)

- Listen, I don't know how much longer I can

keep Lorelei out there, I'm running out of excuses.

- Now, to put the machine into reverse,

so that it will erase the subject.

And in exactly one minute, she'll be

gone but not forgotten.

- Bon voyage!

(audience laughing)

- Steady the machine!

Perfect, quick, get Brennan on the phone

and keep him there until she's obliterated!

- Right, right.

- Lorelei, are you alright?

You look so pale.

- Oh, it must be the lights, I always look

(beeping)

under

(beeping)

lights.

(audience laughing)

- Detective Brennan?

- That's right.

- You're wanted on the telephone, sounds very important.

- Oh, thank you.

Excuse me.

- Is you drink alright, madam?

- Oh yes, thank you, it's perfectly

(beeping)

(audience laughing)

- Hello?

- [Tim] Are you there?

- Yes?

- Constable Brennan?

(audience laughing)

- Detective Brennan.

(affected laughing)

- Quite, yes yes, well sir you see I'm calling

from Wiffen Park Studios in London, England,

and we've decided, sir, to shoot

a motion picture of your life.

- Your studio wants to make a picture about me?

- Quite quite, you see it's a hard hitting documentary,

about a Yankee lawman.

Now you were chosen, sir, uh,

(audience laughing)

- Hello?

- Uh, do mind holding onto the line for one second, sir?

You can speak to our producer!

(audience laughing)

What happened?

- Somebody changed the switch from erase to duplicate.

- Who?

- Guess who.

- Well, uh.

Well it must've happened I guess

when I helped you try to steady it.

But how come it duplicated him but not her?

- Because it cannot duplicate a duplicate.

- Bill, well if I hadn't seen you I'd still be waiting!

- Lorelei, I think you got a bad coconut.

I told you the two of them would

(beeping)

to your

(beeping)

(audience laughing)

- Can you hear what they're saying?

- Enough to know that he's beeping and she isn't.

- You mean, the real Mrs. Brown and the phony Brennan?

- And from the decibel count of his beep,

I'd say he's going to vanish at about

the same time as the ersatz Lorelei.

(audience laughing)

- Hello? Are you there?

Is anybody there?

- I bought this one, do you like it?

- Beautiful, oh let's go, Lorelei, the show's starting!

I hope that moron who called me got his money's worth.

(chanting and drumming)

(applauding)

- Oh great, now Brennan and Mrs. Brown

are going to see themselves disappear!

- Don't just sit there, do something, anything!

- We've still got 30 seconds to go.

(chanting and drumming)

(audience laughing)

(loud beeping)

- Ha hey!

- My, wasn't that spectacular?

- It certainly was.

- Well, he's your lei.

- Oh, thank you.

Well it's nice of you to buy it for me.

(audience laughing)

(perky orchestral music)

- Oh no, not again!

(loud clanking and banging)

- Tim?

- Yeah.

- I was working on something here,

do you know where it's gone?

- Yes, as a matter of fact, I do.

It's in the ash can, smashed to smithereens.

- What?

- Well, Uncle Martin, come on,

didn't you have enough trouble with that last duplicator?

Well if you can't take care of yourself,

your favorite nephew's gonna do it for you.

- [Martin] Tim.

- Yeah?

- Do you know what you just did?

- No.

- You smashed the entire works of our television set!

(audience laughing)

- Oh come on, Uncle Martin, you're pulling my leg.

(audience laughing)

- I had 10 payments left on that.

I think I'm going to cry.

(playful orchestral theme music)