Original subtitles

* I lost my true lover

* In courtin' too slow

* For courtin's a pleasure

* And partin' is grief

* And a false-hearted lover

(audience laughing)

* Is worse than a thief

(magical music)

* A thief he will rob you

- Aw, too late, I lost four bars of the chorus.

- Oh I'm sorry, Uncle Martin.

I didn't see you sitting there.

I'm afraid I'm a little upset.

I just got stood up by my date.

- Well in that case, your irritation

is understandable, my sympathies.

- Was that folk music you were just listening to?

- Um hmm.

- I didn't know you like folk music.

- Oh well, it's part of my research

into your social patterns, and he was rather good.

The Brothers Four Minus Three.

- He?

The Brothers Four Minus Three?

Why does he call himself that?

- You're asking me?

These are your Earth people.

When it comes to Earth creatures, my field

is anthropology, not psychiatry.

However, I'll be able to add him to my collection

in another recording session.

- Uh, I don't see any equipment.

- Naturally, my skull blocks the view.

- In your head?

- Yes.

- You have a recording machine?

- Um hmm. (Tim laughing)

Tim, no, no, no, no, no.

The process is all mental.

My brain contains silicone wafers.

They absorb auditory impulses and store them up

for future playback.

- Sure, just like the memory bank of an electronic computer.

I don't believe it.

- Yeah, my library of Earth music is rather complete.

I've been recording it for a couple of hundred years.

- And you can play back any time you want to?

- Um hmm.

* We will rally from the hillside

* We'll gather from the plain

* Shouting the battle cry of freedom *

- Hmm, but that's just an old Civil War song.

- Exactly, and that's the man who first sang it,

General Ulysses S. Grant.

(light music)

(magical music)

(antennae beeping)

(peppy music)

(light music)

Tim, your looks had nothing to do

with your being stood up.

If she's a worthwhile girl,

she probably had a better reason.

- Worthwhile!

Della's dignified, and yet she's vivacious.

Well yeah, she's intellectual, but she's hip

and cook, uh, is she cool.

And yet she still has that little schoolgirl kinda charm.

- Naturally.

She has a split personality like you.

Why not try her again?

- Well, pride I guess.

- Nonsense, I'm sure if you went down to her coffee house--

- How did you know she had a coffee house?

- A little bird told me.

- Bird?

- Bird, the one that makes its nest in your mind.

(audience laughing)

- Well, I suppose you're right.

I guess I should give her another chance, but.

Hey, hey Uncle Martin, I've got a great idea.

Why don't you go down with me,

and that way she'll think I'm bringing

you along just to listen to the entertainment.

- Well, if you think that I could be of some help.

And who knows, I may add some new fragment

of vulgar Earth noise to my collection.

- Vulgar Earth noise?

- Well what else can you call it, music?

- Why do you always pick on Earth?

I mean, I don't pick on Mars.

- Well how can you?

You know nothing about us.

Well perhaps I am being too disparaging

of your rather primitive melodies,

but that's because I prefer Martian music.

- I have never heard a Martian song.

- Than you're in for a treat.

- Oh?

(cacophonous music)

- Wasn't that beautiful?

You Earthlings, you simply do not appreciate culture.

- No, no, no, I'm glad you sang your song.

- Really?

- Yes, now I know something about Mars,

that I can criticize.

(audience laughing)

* And there I took her life

* I met her on the mountain - Tim!

Oh Tim, I'm so sorry I stood you up,

but honestly it's just been panic-time all day.

- Well, think nothing of it.

Actually, I brought my Uncle Martin down here

to hear the music.

Oh, Della Darwell, this is my Uncle Martin.

- Hi. - How do you do?

- Now look, Tim, please try to understand.

You see, they shut off my gas and electricity,

so I had to call 'em up and talk 'em into turning it on,

and the next thing, I've been arguing all day

with my restaurant supply about stopping deliveries,

and now the landlord's hounding me for the rent.

- Gee, I'm really sorry to hear that, Della.

- Well with this kind of success,

why even bother to stay open?

- Well I'm hoping that eventually I can make

enough of a go of it to kinda keep me in school.

- School?

- UCLA, I'm going for my Master's degree.

But, if I don't do any better than I'm doing now,

I'll never make it.

- Oh miss.

Could we have a couple of cappuccinos

and two hero sandwiches?

You see what happens, as soon as we come in,

business picks up.

- Well just keep on eating.

I need the money.

See ya later.

* I met her on the mountain

* And stabbed her with my knife *

(patrons applauding)

- Very mediocre, not even worth recording.

Tim, what is this?

- Mmm, it's cappuccino, why?

- Cappuccino, what's that?

- Well, it's an Italian coffee.

It's expresso with a little bit of cinnamon.

- Tim, how could you?

It distorts my metabolism.

My silicone wafers lose their electrical charge.

* Oh love, oh love, oh love, oh love, oh love *

- I didn't know.

What's happening?

- My recorder playback.

I can't control it.

* Oh love, oh love, oh love my careless love

* Oh love, oh love my careless love

* Oh love, oh love my careless, careless love

* Look and see what careless love has done *

(audience applauding)

- Oh Tim, your uncle, he's just wonderful.

Look at all the people.

- [Tim] Yeah.

- Why did he leave?

- Oh well, he's very shy.

- Shy?

Oh but, you know if I only had him here,

then all my troubles would be over.

Tim, do you think that maybe you could

get him to come back tomorrow night?

- Here?

- Yes.

- I, uh, you mean to sing?

- Well of course, I mean, he's the greatest new

sound in folk music.

- Oh well, I don't think - Oh Tim.

- I could, no. - Please.

- Well I don't uh.

- Oh please, Tim.

- I don't really think - Oh please, Tim.

- I could.

(romantic music)

Well I suppose I could

try to use my influence.

(audience laughing)

- Oh, good morning, Tim.

- Morning.

- Sorry I wasn't awake last night when you got in,

but I had to sleep off that small dose of cinnamon.

- I'm really sorry about that Uncle Martin.

- It's not your fault.

You couldn't know.

- Boy, I must say, you were really great

last night, though.

I mean really great.

- Naturally.

My playback gives it a richer tone.

My recorder has extremely high fidelity,

higher than any equipment known on Earth.

- Say, I don't suppose that you'd consider,

well, working a couple of nights, would you?

- Tim, I'm surprised at you.

You know the risk of being exposed as a Martian.

With the mentality of your people, either they'd

start jumping off buildings in panic,

or they'd put me on exhibit in a circus sideshow.

- This is just a little neighborhood joint.

It's dark in there, and nobody's gonna notice you,

and besides--

- I know, I know, she needs the business to stay in school.

A laudable ambition but not my responsibility.

- You've got some responsibility, to me.

- True, but you're merely using me to ingratiate

yourself with her, and for what purpose?

Her gratitude would be merely an ego

satisfaction for you.

- Well it's my ego!

I mean, who has a better right to give it satisfaction?

And besides, Della's not just any girl.

She's a...

Well I feel differently about her.

- I appreciate your sincere feelings

about the young lady, Tim.

However, my desire to avoid the limelight

should be completely understandable.

- Well, that's gratitude for ya.

I mean, when you had no place to go,

who took you in?

- And whenever you got into difficulty,

who helped you out?

- Well that's the trouble with our friendship,

it's in and out!

(audience laughing)

- Well, perhaps I have been unnecessarily cautious.

Very well, Tim, I'll sing at Della's if you want.

- You will?

Oh gee, that's great.

Thanks, Uncle Martin.

I mean, if you don't mind.

If you're sure you don't mind doing it.

- No, no, no, I want to, for the sake of friendship.

- That's great.

Thanks again, but

well, Uncle Martin, I wouldn't want to take

advantage of our friendship.

- I insist.

- But I insist you don't if you'd rather you didn't.

- Tim, it's my decision.

I'll show you what a friend I am.

- Well no, I won't let you do it!

I'm just as good a friend as you are!

- Don't order me around, friend!

- Don't tell me what to do, friend!

(tense music)

You know, uh, maybe we kids better grow up

or we'll kick the slats out of our playpen.

(light music)

* Jimmy crack corn, and I don't care

* Jimmy crack corn, and I don't care

* Jimmy crack corn, and I don't care

* My master's gone away

* They laid him under a Simmon tree

* His epitaph is there to see

* Beneath this stone I'm forced to lie

* A victim of the blue-tail fly

* Jimmy crack corn, and I don't care

* Jimmy crack corn, and I don't care

* Jimmy crack corn, and I don't care

* My master's gone away

(crowd applauding)

(funny music)

(crowd applauding)

- What was that?

- Oh hello, Tim.

- What was that?

- The thunderous applause I received last night.

I recorded it.

It's such bliss to hear it again.

(crowd applauding)

(audience laughing)

- Well um, what about all these posters?

- I was hoping you'd like them.

They liven up the place, don't they?

(magical music)

- Um, professional photographs?

- I ordered 1,000 to begin with.

My public is begging for autographed pictures.

- Oh no.

Look, Uncle Martin,

would you please just stop that for one second?

I want to talk to you.

- Go right ahead, Tim.

We Martians are quite capable of doing

more than, ah, one thing at a time.

- Uncle Martin, you've got a problem.

- I know.

I'm not getting enough publicity.

How about quitting your job on the newspaper

and taking over as my press agent?

- Will you just listen?

- You could start a fan club, write up

some good reviews of my act, promote a record

album for me, Uncle Martin Sings Beethoven,

Country Music Style.

- What happened to you?

- The inevitable, I'm a star.

(audience laughing)

- Tim, you haven't said two words all evening.

- I'm sorry, Della, I've got something on my mind.

- Well maybe this will cheer you up.

Your uncle's giving a special concert.

- A special concert?

- Yes, tomorrow night.

I've gone all out.

I've got all these big ads, and I've had

the place all redone.

I've sunk every dime I have into it.

- Yeah, well, I'll ah see ya hon.

- What's your rush?

The concert isn't until tomorrow night.

- Well, I have something special that I have to do.

You see, I have to make Uncle Martin's breakfast.

- Oh, you prepare his breakfast the night before?

- Well this is a very special kind of breakfast.

Hi, Miss Brown.

Hey you know the old expression,

the way to a man's heart is through his stomach?

- Yes, yes, I know it, but the advice is useless.

It never told me how to open his mouth.

- Well I know how, with Uncle Martin.

- You do?

- Uh huh, I just discovered his favorite food.

Why it'll speed you to his heart like you're on a freeway.

- Oh!

Move over, I wanna get in the fast lane.

- Well it's a special recipe, toasted Italian

garlic bread with lots of cinnamon.

(angry music)

- You traitor!

Now my recorder is completely jammed!

- I don't know what you're talking about.

- Oh yes you do, I can see it in your mind.

That toast was loaded with cinnamon.

The garlic concealed it.

- Now just one second, you oughta be proud of yourself,

some of your superior intellect rubbed off on me.

- Proud?

- Um hmm.

- This is the worst treachery since Socrates

drank that hemlock highball.

- All I was trying to do was protect you from yourself.

- From myself?

- That's right, and now your ego's not only

threatened your safety, it's going to bankrupt

an innocent girl.

- What are you talking about?

- Della went into hock for advertising,

extra help, decorations, and now all the advance

ticket money's gonna have to be returned.

- And you're blaming me for that?

- Who else?

You were the one who had to be saved,

even at her expense.

- You mean that lovely young lady is being

sacrificed to protect me?

- Yup.

- Tim, I'm terribly ashamed.

Forgive me for acting like such an idiotic,

pardon the expression, Earthling.

- Well I guess I'm sorta responsible, too.

After all, I was the one who talked you

into all this in the first place.

- Thank you, Tim, for trying to relieve me

of some of my guilt.

We must find a way to right this terrible wrong.

- How badly is your recorder damaged?

- My silicone wafers get their energy

from internal secretions of adrenaline.

I need a massive dose of natural adrenaline to recharge.

- Well if a Martian's adrenaline glands get

stimulated the same way as a human's

by emotional disturbance, all I have to do

is, you know, get you excited or angry.

- I'm afraid it's not that simple, Tim.

We Martians are not as easily disturbed as humans,

at least not by things that happen on Earth.

(audience laughing)

- There must be something else you can do.

- There's one other way.

Subject me to an enormous shock wave

from a light beam of cold heat.

- A light beam of cold heat?

I never heard of such a thing.

- The method of producing it exists only on Mars.

Wait, you've got it here, too.

You call it the laser.

- You mean that beam of light they bounce

off the moon and back in 2 1/2 seconds.

- That's the one, concentrated light,

a pencil-thin beam over vast distances.

Your scientists finally figured out how to do it.

- Yeah, yeah, it's been in the papers.

They also call it the death ray.

- Yes, it can make anything in its path vanish,

but it has other uses: delicate surgery,

radar, long-distance communication,

it depends on the concentration.

- Where do we get such a gadget?

- I'll make it.

It's simple, laser comes from the initial letters

of the words light amplifications

by stimulated emission of radiation.

- That's simple?

- I just need a ruby rod about four inches long.

Any jewelry supply house stocks it,

polish the ends to act like internal mirrors,

wrap a coiled bulb around it,

and mount it in a slide projector and away we go.

(busy music)

Now, aim it at my head and switch it on.

- Well, how does it work?

- The flash from the coil stimulates

red rays from the ruby.

The red rays bounce back and forth inside.

A chain reaction builds up.

In a few seconds, the laser beam bursts out.

(suspenseful music)

(phone ringing)

(dramatic music)

- Tim, answer the phone.

- The phone.

Hello.

Oh hello, Mrs. Brown.

Mrs. Brown.

- No, no, no, no, no.

- I'm sorry, Mrs. Brown, he's busy.

What happened?

- It's set too high.

There's no time to adjust it.

Continue.

- But, won't the beam do the same thing to your head?

- No, no, no.

I set up brain wave frequencies to neutralize

the destructive element, but you be careful.

- Yeah.

(suspenseful music)

(knocking)

- [Lorelei] Oh Martin, may I go with you

to the club tonight?

- Yes, yes, I'll see ya later, Mrs. Brown.

Hurry up, Tim, hurry up.

Della will be here soon to pick me up.

- Well the beam hit your head.

- It didn't stay on long enough.

I need a bigger jolt.

- [Lorelei] Oh Martin, I want your okay on this dress

I'm wearing tonight.

(frantic music)

- He'll be right down, Mrs. Brown!

(laser firing)

- Tim, look out.

- Boy, that was close.

- Tim.

- Well I'm sorry, Uncle Martin, it's just

makin' me a nervous wreck.

- Well then sit down.

- Yeah okay.

Where?

- Don't worry about the furniture, it was cheap.

We can replace it easily.

(light music)

(knocking)

- [Della] Uncle Martin?

I just dropped by to give you a lift.

- Della.

Wait in the car, please.

I can't go with her now.

- Well it's too late.

You can't stall her like you did Mrs. Brown.

She'll get suspicious.

Look, maybe you'll think of something on the way.

- That's exactly what Marie Antoinette said

on the way to the guillotine!

(audience laughing)

(gentle music)

- Well it's no use, you were supposed to go

on five minutes ago.

I guess we're licked.

- Yeah.

Aren't those my socks you're wearing?

- Oh yeah, why?

- You're always borrowing my things.

My shirts, my ties, my sweaters.

I've told you 1,000 times not to go through my dresser.

- Well don't get sore about it.

- This is the last straw.

I'm getting sick and tired of your flagrant

disregard of my personal property.

- Hey come on, Uncle Martin, take it easy.

- Take it easy?

Those are hand-knit socks!

You're always wearing holes in them!

You've got an insufferable nerve, nerve, nerve.

- Your face is getting red.

* The gospel train is coming

* I can hear it round the bend

* I hear the car wheels movin'

* And runnin' through the land

* Get on board little children

* Get on board little children

* Get on board little children

* There's room for many more

* I hear the bell and whistle

* A-comin' round the curve

* She's blowin' all her steam out

* And strainin' every nerve

* Get on board little children

* Get on board little children

* Get on board little children

* There's room for many more

* To signal for another train to follow

* On the line - You're losing control!

* Consider you're forever lost

* If once you're left behind

- You're getting too loud! * Get on board little children

* Get on board little children

* Get on board little children

* There's room for many more

* She's comin' to the station

* Oh sinner don't be vain

* Now come and get your ticket

* And be ready for the train

* Get on board little children (glass shattering)

* Get on board little children

* Get on board little children

* There's room for many more (glass shattering)

(ceiling crashing) * The fare is cheap

* And all can go

* The rich and poor are there

* No second class aboard this train

* No difference in the fare

* Get on board little children

(dramatic music)

- Well I just drove Della back from the insurance adjuster.

They're gonna pay off her insurance policy.

Looks like she'll be able to get the place

all fixed up and probably have a few bucks left over.

- Well I'm delighted.

I'm also through recording folk music.

From now on, I'll just continue recording

political speeches.

- Political speeches?

- That disturbs you?

- Well suppose something went wrong

with your recorder?

You'd be the first Martian in the White House.

(audience laughing)

- Hmm,

hmm, hmm.

An interesting thought.

("Hail to the Chief")

Fellow Americans, if I'm elected to office,

I promise.

(crescendoing music)

(light music)

(deep music)