Original subtitles

(lighthearted music)

- Who's home?

- Nobody here but us red hot reporters.

- I had a marvelous time at the flower show, Tim.

You have some highly interesting plant

life progressing here on Earth.

I remember the first time I was down here,

how disappointed I was in your lack of hibiscus luster.

- Yeah, I'll be with you in just a second, Uncle Martin,

as soon as I finish this page.

(energetic music)

(audience laughs)

How did you...

- Mind reading.

Instant typing, simple.

How do you like our new plant life?

- Oh, well, it's great.

It sort of dresses up the room.

But listen, I can't get over what you just did.

- Child's play.

A Martian child, that is.

- Yeah, yeah.

Well, you see, I'm doing these articles on

the study of ESP out at the university and, well,

you could be sort of a big help to me.

I mean, besides being long and involved articles,

well, it's an area that I'm not sure I fully understand.

- Dig for it, Tim.

I enjoy helping you when it's in aid to your education.

But to shortcut, to circumvent, (laughs) dig for it.

- Well, yeah, but look, you mind read and this is ESP,

and, well, I'm not trying to duck out or anything.

It's just that, well, I thought maybe

you could give me a special slant.

- Yes, yes, I could.

- Oh, come on now, Uncle Martin, I'm serious.

- I'm Uncle Martin.

Tim, you just said to me that you're involved

in an area you're not sure you understand.

I agree, especially when you lump

ESP and mind reading together.

They are not one and the same.

- Must I stay in this position?

- Yes.

Perhaps my wisdoms will reach further

into you if I keep you on the bias.

(audience laughs)

(enchanting music)

(high pitched beeping)

(high pitched beeping)

(lively music)

(lighthearted music)

- Uncle Martin, will you please just let me go?

Look, if you do, I will admit that I'm cutting corners

and I should work harder if you'd just let me go.

Uh, fine, thanks.

Now tell me, where'd I make my mistake?

Why isn't ESP mind reading?

- ESP stands for extrasensory perception.

But it is only a perception.

It is not a reading.

- Well, do you have ESP?

- Me, don't be silly.

Only Earth people have extrasensory perception.

I have sensory perception.

In a Martian, it's part of the package.

If you bring that Professor Hammershlag home tomorrow,

I'm going to be in a lot of trouble.

- How did you know Professor Hammershlag was coming here?

- Mind reading. - Oh, yeah.

- Well, you see, it's my day off and it's the end

of these articles, and, well, it's Sunday.

He's doing me a favor.

- Do me a favor and yourself.

Don't bring him here.

Don't dare bring him here.

If his ESP clashes with my plain old SP,

you're going to hear the wildest sounds

of a big wind racing through a junkyard.

Do you think that plant's big enough?

- Yeah, I don't know.

- Could be a little bigger.

(hypnotic music)

(audience applause)

Instant growth.

I wish I could do that with you, Tim.

- Thanks, Uncle Martin.

Hey!

Instant growth.

Tricky finger.

I'm not sure that this is really

the place for an interview, Professor.

I thought maybe a coffee shop would...

- Nonsense.

Tim, nonsense.

Your original idea of doing the last part of the interview

right here in the apartment is the best one.

You know, for us to establish a rapport is the most

important thing to be in comfortable surroundings.

And since you're comfortable here,

you make me comfortable here.

Yes, and this way, I assure you,

this way I can give you (mumbles) interview.

Have you any cottage cheese?

- Cottage cheese, of course not.

Well, that's why I thought it might

be much better in a coffee shop.

Perhaps a restaurant.

- No, look, Tim, Tim, it is not that important.

The cottage cheese is not important.

It's a fetish of mine.

But I have a feeling.

I have a feeling you have it in

the ice box on the second shelf.

- Yeah.

The ice box.

The second shelf.

Well, yeah, I'll take a look.

- I'll go with you.

- I don't really need any help.

I can do it by myself. - Oh, Tim Tim, Tim Tim.

This is your apartment, yet I have

a strange feeling of discomfort.

- Oh. - Discomfort.

- Oh, yeah, yeah, well, just think of the cottage cheese.

- The cottage cheese on the second

shelf behind the (mumbles).

Ah ha, cottage cheese.

Just as I think, right on the second shelf.

- Yes, just behind the butter.

- Yes, just behind the butter and the spoons are right here.

See? - Yeah.

Oh, Professor, listen, I've gotta be honest with you.

Well, I'm not really prepared for this session.

You see, I've sort of fallen behind

on my writing of the articles.

- So that's why you're so uncomfortable?

- Yes, you see, I feel that I should polish up

on our last meeting before we begin on this one.

- What an interesting plant.

- Yeah. - What is it?

- Well, I'm not quite sure.

It's new, my uncle.

- It's funny. - What?

- It happened again.

- What happened again? - Your uncle.

Whenever you mention your uncle, my psyche goes ping.

- Ping? - Ping.

There it goes again.

Ping.

- Ping.

- Oh.

- Oh, what was that?

- Well, I don't know.

I'm not sure, he looked familiar.

- Was your uncle?

- Yes, I told you he looked familiar.

- That's funny.

I didn't feel what I should have felt.

- Professor, look, why don't you just

sit down and eat your cottage cheese.

Now, I'll just go and make sure he's all right.

- Tim, please tell him I want to meet him.

You know, it might be (mumbles) he's here.

This used to belong to an old lady who has two cats.

- I told you not to bring him home.

- I know, Uncle Martin, but I told

you I just couldn't help it.

Why don't you just tell me what to do?

- Well, you go inside and keep him busy.

I'm going to have to levitate some food stuff

from the kitchen behind his back.

- What?

- Professor Hammershlag's extrasensory perception

and my sensory perception cannot meet, remember?

I told you that.

- You know, I'm sort of getting sick and tired that

I ever started writing these articles on ESP.

Why don't you just disappear?

- Because his perception would still perceive me.

Now just make sure you keep him busy.

I have to make a whole kind of Martian mix in here

to get rid of my sensory perception.

- You can get rid of it?

- For a while.

The trick is to hide it in a safe place.

Now make sure you keep him busy

and keep his back to the bedroom doorway.

(mysterious music)

- Tim, I found these cards on your desk.

I hoped you wouldn't mind.

- No.

- How's your uncle?

Is he going to join us soon?

- Oh, yes, he's taking a bath.

- Now?

- Always when company comes.

He's a very clean man.

- Oh, Tim, have you ever seen card perception?

- Mm-mm. - Oh, listen,

this will be wonderful for your article.

- Oh, well, how does it work?

- Well, sit down, please.

- Well, all right.

Would you mind sitting over here, please?

- No, please, yes.

Why?

- Well, it's just a habit I got into

a long time ago playing cards.

I like to sit with my back against the wall.

- Oh, Tim, this is very good for your perception.

You don't have to wonder what's going on behind your back.

You'll know.

- You do?

- Tim, take three cards.

Ace of spades.

Nine of diamonds.

Jack of clubs.

- That's great.

- Take another three cards.

Oh, Tim, this cottage cheese,

if you are going to mention that in one of your articles,

please make sure that everybody

understand I am not endorsing it.

Obviously, this is some kind of fetish on my part.

But I have a feeling that the high protein content

in this heightens my perception.

This is four of hearts, nine of clubs,

and a king of spades, right?

- Hello there.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Am I interrupting something?

- Well, yes, Mrs. Brown.

I was working with Professor Hammershlag.

- Professor Hammershlag?

The man in the articles you've been writing?

Oh, Professor, I am so excited to meet you.

You know, I've been reading all of Tim's articles,

and you know what?

I have ESP.

- You do? - Yes.

Oh, I'm so excited.

What were you doing, playing cards?

Oh, do it with me.

Pardon me, Tim.

I'm sure whatever it is I have to do,

I can do it because I have it.

- Excuse me please.

- I'm Lorelei Brown, Tim's landlady.

- Lorelei Brown, yes,

- Oh, I'm so excited.

Come on, deal the cards.

- Mrs. Brown, we don't deal the cards.

I give three cards and you tell me what they are.

- Oh, and how do I do that?

- How you...

Mrs. Brown, you feel it, feel it.

- Oh, all righty.

Come on, give me the cards.

I'm feeling it.

Oh, I'm feeling it.

- You can't just go floating things

around the room like that.

What are you doing?

- I'm unloading my sensory perception in there.

Watch.

- What's it doing?

- Perceiving.

It has my perception and it's perceiving.

- Wait a minute, you're keeping your perception in there?

- Yes.

The soil has been treated by this

hastily brewed Martian mix.

I whipped it up with your food stuff from the kitchen.

- You forget that Professor Hammershlag admired the plant.

Now he's gonna get suspicious if we don't return it.

- Let's not worry about it.

- Now, we go inside and act as calm as possible.

- We do, huh?

- Now, now, now, now, let's have none of that.

- But I was sure I had it.

- Mrs. Brown, lots of people think they have it,

but they don't have it.

Now don't feel bad about it.

But I think he has it.

- Who?

- This boy's uncle.

You know, that's why I'm here.

I meant besides the articles, you know.

I have a strange feeling about him.

- Strange feeling about Uncle Martin?

(laughs)

Why, he's the unoddest person I've ever met.

Why, he's as plain as apple pie.

- Apple pie.

Is that really me, Mrs. Brown?

- Uncle Martin, this is Professor Hammershlag.

He's been wanting to meet you.

- Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello.

- How do you do?

Tim has told me so much about you,

plus what I've read in his articles.

- Thank you.

You know, I have these odd impulses about you.

Actually, they are not your fault, you know?

This is the first time I meet you,

but whenever your nephew Tim mentions your name

or talks about you, ping ping.

- Well, I don't know anything about ESP, isn't it?

But if these strange impulses that are coming

from my nephew's conversation.

What is it, Tim, is my jacket crooked?

(audience laughs)

- I think your plant needs water.

- Oh.

Excuse me.

- Oh, I am so disappointed, Professor.

I really thought I had ESP.

Why, every time it rains, I can feel it in my joints.

- That's physical and not sensory.

- Oh.

Well, isn't it possible to have sensory joints?

Here, try me once more, please.

Nine of diamonds.

Ace of clubs.

- Who's that?

Nine of diamonds, ace of clubs.

- Yes, yes, yes.

- Four of hearts. - Yes.

- Six of spades. - Yes, yes, yes, yes.

- Three of hearts. - Yes, yes, yes.

- Queen of diamonds.

Six of spades, Jack of clubs.

(laughs)

- Look at that.

Amazing.

I've never seen anything like it.

- [Lorelei] Jack of clubs.

- Can't you revive it?

- Are you kidding?

- She's got it.

- All of it? - Sure, listen.

- [Lorelei] Nine of clubs, ace of hearts, three of clubs.

- Now what? - I don't know.

Mrs. Brown's in a lot of trouble.

- Why, what do you mean, what happens?

I mean, if she's got it, he's gonna

think that she's sending.

- That's not it at all.

Martian sensory perception in an

Earth woman causes regression.

- It what?

- After this display of perception,

Mrs. Brown is going to start to regress.

- Oh, backwards?

- Remember the search for Bridey Murphy?

- Uh huh.

- You and I are going to have to go and find Mrs. Brown.

Now you start.

(lighthearted music)

* Do da, scaddy waddy do da

* Do, wacka do, wacka do, wacka do

* Chicken in the car

* The car can't go

* That's how you spell Chicago

* Oh, you can

- I've never seen anything like it, you know?

This is one of the greatest thing that ever happened to me.

- You can say that again, buster.

Knock, knock, knock.

- Who's there?

- Joe sent me.

(audience laughs)

- How do you feel, Mrs. Brown, you having a good time?

- Oh, I'm having a marvelous time.

I knew I had ESP.

* Rudy Vallee has ESP

* The Yacht Club Boys have ESP

- The Yacht Club Boys?

What's that?

- Performers in her day.

- It is the most amazing case

of regression I have ever seen.

She seemed to (mumbles) onto some

perception ways all at once.

You know, she did a perfect card reading, then.

(shocked gasping)

Apparently, it was so strong, it kicked

her right over into regressive state.

- Oh?

- I'm still not through with you.

- Me? - Him?

* Don't go in the lion's cage tonight, Al Capone

* Woodrow Wilson is ferocious as can be

(audience laughs)

- My killer instinct was about you.

You may not be a sender as I thought.

You may not be a receiver as I am.

But Mr. Uncle Martin, Mr. Uncle Martin,

you could be a carrier.

(pleasant music)

- Did you hear what he said?

You are a carrier.

Now what are you gonna do? - Make coffee.

- Yeah, but how far is she gonna regress?

- All the way.

- All the way? - Back to babyhood.

- She what?

- I would've done my homework,

but all the kids went off to the dance and left me.

- It's amazing.

Right now she's already in high school.

- Glink oil. - Glink oil.

- Glink oil, I need some.

Did you take my glink oil? - Of course I didn't.

- If I put some glink oil in here,

it's gonna make her feel better.

But you took my glink oil. - I did not.

- Oh, I had the glink oil right here.

Somebody took it. - Well, I didn't take it.

- Well, all right, I'll make it anyway.

As long as I make some strong coffee,

it'll snap her out of it.

- Uncle Martin, look, I just got a question in mind here.

If she's gonna regress all the way back to babyhood,

after that, then what?

- Ashes to ashes.

- Do you mean that she (whistles)?

- Well, do something!

- Sneeze.

- Sneeze?

- No, no, no, no, no, not you.

Mrs. Brown.

She inhaled my perception.

We've got to reverse it.

We've got to get her to sneeze it out.

- Well, how are you gonna do that?

- I'll take the red pepper and you take the black.

- This little piggy went to market

and this little piggy stayed home.

And this little piggy had roast beef.

- Little girl, what are you doing now?

- Go away.

I want to draw a horsey.

Go away, bad man.

- What's that? - Pepper.

- Pepper? - Mm-hmm.

Sometimes pepper makes paper easier to draw on.

You know, like crayon on a pencil.

You know, you just do it, that's all.

- Excuse me.

(sneezes loudly)

- Uncle Martin, bad Uncle Martin.

No pepper paper.

Paper not for pepper.

Paper for horsey.

- There's something strange about you.

I can't rid of the feeling there's something strange.

- Excuse me, please, but if Mrs. Brown is going

to lie on the floor, we should clean it up.

Now, you know, my first impulses are always

my right impulses and whenever I ignore them,

I only have to come back to them.

Now, mister, tell me, please.

Where were you born?

- In a hospital.

(audience laughs)

Excuse me, I hear my coffee.

- Da da.

- What are you doing now, little?

(dramatic music)

(sneezes loudly)

- We've got to make her sneeze.

Isn't it hot in here?

Why don't we open the front door?

- What are you two talking about?

- I've already opened the back door.

- Oh, oh, yes.

Well, I'll open up the windows.

Boy, it should be much colder in here.

Really sort of chilly.

Boy, it's hot in here.

- It isn't hot in here.

What are you two up to?

- Why, we are up to nothing.

Why don't you have some coffee, Mr. Hammershlag?

You take the coffee, sir.

- I don't want any coffee.

And listen, will you please stop fanning her?

- Well, all the windows are open.

One draft coming up. - Front door.

Get the front door.

- What are you two up to?

- Sneeze, sneeze, child.

Will you please sneeze?

- That's it now, shh.

That's it, now sneeze.

Sneeze, baby, sneeze.

(audience laughs)

- Will you please stop fanning that child?

I mean, that woman.

And close those doors.

You are giving her a chill.

This woman is experiencing a total regression.

(screams angrily)

Will you please stop it?

I'm very much concerned about both you and the woman.

Let's start from the beginning.

The beginning, where's the beginning?

The beginning, yeah, yeah.

She sniffled that flower.

- The what? - The flower.

- The flower, the flower.

Oh, flower, flower, flower.

Rose.

- Rose?

- Allergy.

(audience laughs)

- That's right, Mrs. Brown is allergic to her own roses.

Uncle Martin, you can't do that.

- Tim, I'm gonna have to take a chance and reveal myself.

(lighthearted music)

(audience laughs)

(sneezes loudly)

(sneezes loudly)

(audience laughs)

Thank you.

(audience laughs)

(energetic music)

(high pitched ringing)

- Is something wrong, Professor?

- Are you all right, Professor?

- Oh, yes, yes, yes, I'm all right.

Oh, it's getting late, I must be going.

- Oh, but you just got here. - I just got here?

Goodbye, Tim, goodbye.

- Oh, I'll walk you to the car.

Please do, thank you.

- Uncle Martin, I presume.

My name is Professor Hammershlag.

- How do you do, Professor Hammershlag?

(sneezes loudly)

(audience laughs)

- What?

What happened?

- Mrs. Brown's retrogression was painful, Tim.

Ungrowing pains are worst than growing pains.

And that big wind going through the junkyard,

Professor Hammershlag's head, that hurts, too.

- But they just walked out.

- Not remembering anything.

The actual exposure to me and my Martian powers,

well, it's more than they could absorb.

It's more than they want to know.

It was too painful.

You know, sometimes, Tim, I wonder

how you Earth people manage.

(lively music)

(mellow music)