Original subtitles

- Martin?

Oh it's me.

Yeah.

- Uncle Martin, I'm home!

Well that might've worked for King Kong,

but on you it looks pretty silly.

- Oh, Tim, Tim, I didn't hear you come in.

I was so absorbed.

Tim, I'm in a lot of trouble.

- What is it?

- I have a toothache.

You see?

Where'd I go?

I was just here.

Oh, there I am.

- What is it, what's the matter?

- Oh, it's you.

Tim.

- Uncle Martin, what is wrong with you?

- I've just told you, I have a toothache.

- But why can't you see?

Do you know where you're looking?

- Oh, I can see.

It's my sense of depth that's off.

Also, the images that are being projected by my retina,

they're out of whack.

You see Tim, in a Martian, the optic nerve

is tied in with the levitating nerve.

I'd illustrate, but I don't know what I'd be raising.

- From a toothache, you can't see?

- Of course, it's very simple.

It's the eye tooth.

(eerie music)

(beeping)

(mischievous music)

- Oh.

Oh, I'm afraid you're still out of whack.

How do you feel?

- The same.

There's no pain, but the retina images, I...

Well, they...

And my field of focus, it...

I'm all mixed up, Tim.

I need help.

- Well Uncle Martin, look.

Well maybe during my lunch hour I can stop by here

and I'll pick you up, I can take you downtown,

I'll take you right to a good oculist.

- Oculist?

Who needs an oculist?

I need a dentist.

Tim.

This is as good a time as any to talk to you

about something that has been bothering me.

Lately I've had the feeling that you've been

taking me for granted.

Treating me just like an earthling.

I'm not one of you, Tim.

I'm a Martian, with different reactions

and different responses.

I have problems that are unique to you people.

- Uncle Martin.

- Who's there?

- Uncle Martin, look, I'm really becoming

concerned about you.

Now, I think it's getting worse.

- It is getting worse, and it's gonna get worser.

- Worser?

- All those things you insisted I do last night.

Putting oil of cloves on my tooth, cold compresses,

and this ridiculous thing.

Charming little homemade remedies, Tim.

But Earth is not my home.

I repeat, I am a Martian.

I have an ache in my eye tooth.

Take me to your dentist!

- I'll take you to my dentist.

- Well please be quick about it, will you?

- Uncle Martin.

- Hmm?

- Are you sure you don't need an oculist?

- For a problem with my eye tooth?

Maybe you'd go to an oculist, but I go to a dentist.

And while you're downtown, I think it would be a good idea

for you to stop off and get yourself a haircut.

Unruly hair is the business of an unruly mind.

How'd a big green dog get in here?

That's lovely.

It's Picasso, isn't it?

- That is the directory board.

- Oh.

Well I was wondering why we stopped to examine a painting.

- There it is, Dr. Little, room 304.

Must be this way.

You don't know the sacrifice I'm making for you.

I haven't been in to see Herbie in over two years.

He's gonna be mad at me just for neglecting my teeth.

- Well how mad can he get?

After all, you finally showed up, didn't you?

- Showed up?

This is your appointment.

- No no, Tim, it's your appointment.

- Uncle Martin.

- Yes?

- I made the appointment for you.

This is your appointment.

- Tim, I can't visit with your dentist.

I can't have an appointment.

My teeth aren't like yours.

The minute he started working on me, he'd be thunderstruck.

- Thunderstruck?

- We Martians have more teeth than you Earth people.

- [Tim] How many?

- 52.

With absolutely no cavities.

Oh, now and then a little something goes wrong.

But as far as the teeth themselves are concerned,

they are absolutely perfect.

And of a substance totally foreign to your Earth dentists.

- Then what are we doing here?

- It's very simple, Tim.

You made the appointment in the name of Mr. O'Hara,

so you can keep it.

All I want to do is get inside a dentist's office.

I need some dental powders and pumice he has.

- How you gonna do that?

- Listen, Uncle Martin, this isn't gonna work.

- Of course it is.

- No, no.

I'm gonna cut out.

I forgot to tell you how chicken I am

when it comes to the dentist.

- Don't worry, I'm here to protect you.

- How can you do anything with the way you see?

I mean, talk about cockeyed optimists.

- There are times, Tim, when (mumbling)

Now I don't expect you to move mountains,

but I would appreciate a bit more confidence

in my superior abilities.

- What are you doing?

- I have placed my tongue over my eye tooth.

It's a bit painful and awkward,

but for as long as I can hold it,

it's as accurate and bullseye

as my vision can ever, ever be.

Now, watch.

One dentist prober going up,

and one dentist prober coming down.

Now.

Now you just sit quietly,

because the dentist is about to come in here,

and he's going to be glad to see you.

As a matter of fact...

Oh, he's coming in now, and he's very happy to see you.

- Well, Tim.

Hello there, old buddy, long time no see.

- Hi Herbie.

- Hi.

- You look just great.

- Thanks.

- This is my uncle, Martin.

- How do you do?

- Hi.

Well, let's see what we have with you here.

Ah ha.

Tim, the mirror?

(humming)

Just looking, but a good cleaning would...

(electronic zapping and whirring)

- Ow.

Ow, I bit my tongue.

- It never did that.

Excuse me, I better go check the fuse box.

- Have you gone mad?

- Did he leave, did he leave?

- Yes.

- Then follow him, follow him,

keep him out there.

I can't get a good look in his cabinet

with him in the room.

- You're not gonna get a good look at it

with him out of the room either.

Now will you please put that tongue back in your tooth?

You darn near killed me

just pointing your finger at that chair.

If I leave you in this room alone, you'll destroy the place.

- No no no no, the chair was an accident.

My finger slipped, and I hurt my tongue.

When I saw all those wonderful powders he has,

I bit myself in the excitement.

- I don't care where you bit yourself.

- It hurts.

Now will you please get out of here?

And keep him out there now.

Don't let him come back in the room.

- Okay, all right.

But keep a civil tongue on your eye tooth.

- I will.

But keep him out there.

- They all look fine to me.

- That one?

- Nope, nope, looks fine.

- How about that one?

- Huh?

Which one?

- Oh, any one.

- That's good, that's like our GL white duck pumice.

- How about that one?

Well I saw one of them glow a little bit.

- Norma, the light, Norma.

Norma, oh, isn't that a nice name?

Nurse Norma.

You know, if you put an L at the end of that,

you have Nurse Normal, but that couldn't be you, no,

because you're so far ahead of the pack.

Which reminds me, what are you doing, like tonight?

- Tim.

- All right, Herbie, listen, we're old friends,

I met her before.

- Oh no you haven't.

Perhaps you met my twin sister, but you never met me before.

- You?

You have a twin sister?

Oh, oh, what I meant was, maybe I met you in my dreams,

but if you have a twin sister, oh you just gotta be kidding.

Listen, I want your phone number.

- Will you come on?

- All right, all right.

If you won't give me your phone number,

how about your zip code?

Area code?

- Tim.

Would you take me home?

- Home?

- Yeah, I've suddenly developed a bad headache.

- Oh, and he doesn't drive either,

so I guess I'll just have to take him home then.

- You?

Well you're in the middle of an examination.

- Well I was, Herbie, but I know you'll forgive me.

I'm just afraid of dentists, that's all.

- Tim.

- And I'll come back later, maybe next week without him,

or maybe the day after that, or the day after that.

- You're gonna leave?

You're just going to leave?

- I don't like to do that, but let's face it,

you do have something wrong with your fusebox,

and the drill would never work properly,

and then the lights would never work either, Herbie.

And actually, what?

- Tim, stay.

- No!

- There, that does it.

Mhmm.

Now.

Tim?

Yeah, Tim?

(whistles)

- Over here.

- Oh.

Tim, here.

You just guide this in for me now.

- All right.

- No no no, don't touch it, don't touch it,

just guide it in.

- Okay.

No no no no no.

Back toward me.

Toward me, toward me, that's it, that's it.

All right, no no, down, down, down.

Down, down, down, down, down.

No no, no, back to your right, to your right,

to your right, to your right.

That's it, now back, back, back,

that's it, up, up, up, up.

Ah, right on.

(chuckles)

Do all Martians do their own dental work?

- It's not as unusual as you might think, Tim.

It's the same thing as you Earth people

curing your own colds, headaches, and stomach pains.

A well educated Martian child

learns his dentistry in grade school.

- Grade school?

- Of course, he first must complete internal medicine

and pediatrics.

- A child?

- On Mars, the brain is available for education

at the moment of birth.

A Martian child at the age of six

is comparable to your Earth's greatest nuclear physicists.

Matter of fact, I have a nephew on Phobos

who's only 13 years old,

and he's already discovered a cure

for which there is no known ailment.

- Come on, stop messing around.

- I did it, Tim, I did it.

Now I'm in really trouble.

I didn't fix my tooth, I crossed it.

I have crossed eye teeth!

- But everything looks okay to me.

- Of course.

Looks deceive.

It's an old Martian aphorism.

- It's an Earth aphorism too.

But as far as I'm concerned, you look just fine.

- Well that's the problem with the crossed eye tooth.

Everything looks fine externally.

Internally, everything's all cockeyed, reversed,

upside down, inside out.

- Now wait a minute, wait a minute.

Do you mean that I...

Well, you know, that I look to you like...

- That's right.

You're walking on your head and your feet need a haircut.

- Well Uncle Martin, what are we gonna do?

- Extraction.

Of course if I was on Mars, I could radio beam it out.

But here on Earth, well.

When in Rome.

- We have that aphorism too.

- Oh?

Well I thought I just made it up.

- Uncle Martin, what are you doing?

What is it, what are you after?

- Well, there's piece of string,

I thought it was in this cabinet.

This is the cabinet, isn't it?

- Yes, here.

Is this what you're looking for?

- Oh, I found it.

- Uncle Martin, you are gonna try and remove a tooth

with a piece of string?

- Mhmm.

Tie it to the doorknob.

I may have to take out both eye teeth.

They are crossed.

Now, when I count to three,

I want you to slam the door.

- All right, but this is for kids,

it's not gonna work for you.

- Well, in practicality,

what is happening is that my mature,

normally adult Martian teeth are now baby teeth.

- Baby teeth?

- Mhmm, and if we don't hurry...

- What?

What?

- Before baby teeth, (mumbles).

- Hmm?

(mumbles)

Gum, gums!

Gums.

- There's a refreshing prospect.

In a crossed eye tooth, my insides go cockeyed,

and if I don't do something about it,

they'll recede and I'll be gums.

Now I don't mind being the first Martian on Earth,

but I do mind being the first Martian on Earth

who eats baby food.

- All tied, I'm ready.

- All right, now.

You go outside, and when I count to three,

you shut the door, hard.

- Right.

- Okay?

One million, 999,000, 998,000...

- What are you doing?

- Counting to three.

- [Tim] Backward?

- You see?

I told you I'm backward.

Now, one.

- Two.

- Three!

(door slams)

It doesn't work.

- That is an understatement.

- Well obviously a Martian's baby teeth

are still superior to Earth substances.

Tim, I've asked you before, and I must ask you again,

take me to your dentist.

- What?

- We must visit with your Dr. Little again.

- After what I did, what we did?

I mean, the fuse box, the chair, the drill?

The nurse.

- It's necessary.

I must do a major extraction.

Use his tools.

- But how are you gonna explain barging into his office,

and then acting like a couple of clowns

and stealing off like two thieves in the night?

- Easy.

Instant hypnosis.

I'll draw him on a discussion of anesthetics,

and then I'll put him under.

Oh now look, if you're going to stand there

holding that door knob, that's one thing.

But if you're going to help me, that's another.

Now please.

- Would you mind leaving me alone?

- Yes.

- And I have no intention of giving you my phone number.

- Well come on, I'm just trying to be friendly.

- Friendly, you?

No thanks.

You're supposed to be Dr. Little's friend.

And if your idea of being a friend

is to run out in the middle of an examination...

- Oh, now come on.

He did blow his fusebox, and Uncle Martin had a headache.

- And if we could've examined him right then and there,

we would've realized he had an impacted wisdom tooth

and treated him immediately,

instead of having to come back and make us squeeze you in

between someone else's appointment.

- Speaking of squeezing.

- Yes?

- Do you think Dr. Little's having any trouble

with my Uncle Martin there in that room in there?

- If you don't open your mouth, I can't help you.

Now look, you were the one that called me

and said you had an impacted wisdom tooth.

And I juggled all my appointments around

just to fit you in immediately.

But if you don't want to open your mouth...

Look, Mr. O'Hara, I completely understand the fright

that overcomes you and many people in a dentist chair,

but it's completely old-fashioned.

Yes, look, today, modern dentistry is totally painless.

I mean, we do magical things with water streams,

liquid anesthetics.

Anesthetics.

- Sleep.

(snoring)

And move over so I can get up.

Now, you'll forgive me for not opening my mouth, doctor.

But that's something a Martian can never do

for an Earth dentist.

You see, the shock and the sheer visualization

of seeing 52 brilliantly perfect dental forms

when you look into a Martian's mouth

is a development that you Earth dentists should never see.

Now, I'll explain as I go along.

You are under a form of hypnosis,

but your subconscious will retain

the beauties of the self-extraction

you are about to witness.

- All right, I'll tell you what.

Both you and your twin, you're both beautiful,

I'll take you both out.

- You're both beautiful, and I'll take you both out.

Are you getting all this?

In cross-eyed teeth, it sometimes becomes

a double extraction.

- Come on.

Out.

Come on, out.

Don't be stubborn, you know you have to come out.

So come on, out!

- Come on, out.

Come on out, no don't be stubborn.

You know you have to come out, so come out.

When this is over, all you will remember, doctor,

is that you extracted my wisdom tooth.

I was a good patient, and you will not remember

Tim running out on you.

Or the chair going up and down.

Or the buzzing drill.

Or the fusebox.

- Oh, come on now, this is silly,

you don't hae to sit out here.

- One of us does, and if you won't...

- Why would you be so obstinate about me...

- Well, Norma, that was nice of you

to stay out here with him while his uncle was inside.

Well, Tim old buddy, there's nothing to worry about.

One impacted wisdom tooth, taken right out.

- And we had it gift-wrapped,

because I want to give it to you.

- [Tim] To me?

- Mhmm, it's my wisdom tooth.

Put it under your pillow and it will bring you luck.

- No, no, Uncle Martin,

you put it under your pillow

and then the tooth fairy comes and leaves you money.

- Oh.

Isn't that sweet?

- Doctor.

Was the chair all right?

And the drill?

No trouble?

- Trouble?

- The electricity, the fusebox.

- What and what box?

- My, what beautiful eyes you have.

(snoring)

- I wish I could do that.

- When you wake up, you will be happy like Dr. Little,

and you will not remember the fusebox,

nor the up and down chair, nor the runaway drill.

- Come on, Uncle Martin.

Get her phone number for me.

Well oh, come on now, I mean, she's got a twin sister.

- Tim.

In that box is not my wisdom tooth.

It is my eye tooth.

I only had to pull the one.

The other is sealed off with a temporary filling.

- An eye tooth?

- Mhmm.

And I want you to have it, because I want you to see

with possibly a little bit of the wisdoms that I have.

- Oh, I see.

What you're saying is that your eye teeth

are something like our wisdom teeth.

- Yes.

We Martians keep our wisdom

in a safer place than our teeth.

- Then you're not gonna get her phone number for me, huh?

- See?

You're getting smarter already.

And as I said, when you awake, you will be very happy,

and healthy, and wealthy, and wise.

- And you'll give Tim your phone number.

(whistling)

- Oh, I'm sorry, Tim.

- Uncle Martin, will you please make yourself visible?

Uncle Martin, what is the matter?

Why did you bump into me?

Why are you walking around invisible?

- Well, I thought it would make me feel better.

Tim, you're losing weight.

- It's back.

- Yeah, the filling fell out of my eye tooth.

- Come on, I'll show you back to bed.

- I'll be all right, Tim.

I'll get a good night's sleep, and tomorrow morning

I'll make a stronger filling for my eye tooth.

- Yeah, you're sure now you're gonna be all right?

- Positive, positive, a temporary setback

is not a permanent thing.

- Uncle Martin, you know something?

With all of your aphorisms and your friendship,

well, I just want to thank you for what you showed me.

And if I take you for granted, well, it's only because

you're an easy person to get used to.

- That's very nice.

Thank you, Tim.

- Well, don't forget to put your tooth under your pillow.

- I already did.

That's a quaint custom you have down here.

But of course, you Earth people don't grow your teeth back,

as we Martians do.

- Good night, Uncle Martin.

- 25 cents in a jewel box?

To my Uncle Martin,

a friend in need is my Uncle Martin.

Thank you for the wisdom, and the tooth.

Sometimes it gets very lonely down here.

But in many ways, it's worth it.

(mischievous music)