Original subtitles

(gentle music)

- Mmm, delicious.

Marvelous.

- Well it's all the way you wash the pot.

Never a scour.

- There's no one as funny as a bachelor showing

off his cooking prowess.

- Yes, well we aim to please.

- Doesn't your uncle mind being shunted off

into the bedroom?

- No, no, he's just fine.

Now look why don't you just lie back and relax.

Look, we see each other everyday for eight hours

out at the newspaper, but we never really get a chance

to know each other.

- Oh, ask him in, he was such fun at dinner,

I'm sure he'd really appreciate it.

- Linda, right now, don't you just feel

that it's the two of us against the world?

- No.

Just against your uncle, now go on, Tim.

- Well we aim to please.

Well how about a cup of coffee, Uncle Martin?

Uncle Martin?

Oh no, no games, not tonight, please.

- Oh he's not here, is there another way out.

- For him there is yes.

(audience laughs)

- Well I guess we have the whole apartment

to ourselves then.

- Yes, let's go.

- No, I thought--

- Right now I wanna buy a cup of coffee

down at the drugstore.

- You're shoving me, Tim, what's the matter with you?

- That's gratitude for ya, you take a guy in,

give him the shirt off your back,

and what does he do?

He disappears on ya.

- Don't let me interrupt, I really just want some sleep.

(playful music)

(mysterious music)

(beeping)

(upbeat music)

(easygoing music)

- You don't know how unsettling it is

having someone studying at you all the time.

- Well you can't see me, how do you know

I'm studying you?

- That's what's so unsettling.

(audience laughs)

- It was getting stuffy in that bedroom, Tim.

You need more ventilation.

- I need more privacy.

Uncle Martin, look, it took me four weeks

to get a date with Linda, three hours to cook her dinner,

two hours to get her in the right mood,

and it only took you two seconds to blow it.

Now that doesn't seem fair somehow.

Where are my shoes?

Excuse me.

- Oh you Earth people, appearances are everything.

You care more about the chase than the prey.

- It'll probably take me another four weeks

just to chase her up here.

Now Uncle Martin, you've just gotta stop it.

You know something, you have ruined the beginning

of a beautiful friendship.

- I'm sorry, Tim, it won't happen again.

- Here it is, I'm gonna be late.

(mischievous music)

(cheerful music)

Good morning.

- Good morning.

- Oh come on, Linda, now look.

It wasn't my fault that the evening ended so early.

- Whose fault was it?

- Well it was my fault, I guess, but I promise I'll make it

up to you if you just--

(cabinet bangs)

- I've got some work to do.

(playful music)

(mysterious music)

(audience laughs)

(dog barking)

- Now, now, now, now, now, just quiet down.

Arguing won't settle anything.

That's better.

Now you start first, tell me exactly when you saw the bone.

(dog growling)

(phone ringing)

Excuse me.

Hello?

- We're paying you to be in this office at 9 o'clock sharp,

where are you?

- This is Tim's uncle, he left about an hour ago, Mr. Burns.

- Well he's not here, where is he?

Hello, hello, anybody there, hello?

- He went to cover Ambassador Thomas' press conference.

- He did, I didn't know he knew about it.

That's why I called, to tell him to get down there,

does he know where?

- Uh, Hotel Krayton.

(Harry mumbles)

(mischievous music)

(dog barking)

- I'm sorry, Boo Boo, but at the moment,

Tim needs my services more.

We'll talk about it when I get back.

Excuse me, you're Ambassador Thomas, aren't you?

- Yes, I am.

(mysterious music)

Can I help you?

- You just have, thank you, good day.

(cheerful music)

(clears throat)

(phone ringing)

- Hello?

- This is Tim O'Hara, Mr. Burns.

- What are you calling in for, that press conference

isn't until two.

- We won't have to wait for it, sir,

I've got my story already.

How's this sound, Ambassador Thomas today announced

he was resigning his post to run for the Senate.

- Who else knows about this?

- No one, it's an exclusive,

until the press conference (laughs).

- I don't believe it, Tim, this is great.

Why we'll have a three hour bee line

on every other paper, and I finally got Thomas

where I want him with egg all over his face.

You got anything else?

- I have the whole text of his speech.

- Well give it to me, boy, give it to me.

(audience laughs)

I'm getting it.

Tim, I didn't know you had it in you. (laughs)

(ominous music)

Yeah,

go on, Tim.

(audience laughs)

O'Hara!

Come here!

Who is this?

- That's Uncle Martin.

- Transfer this call to rewrite.

- How dare you, how dare you let your uncle

cover a story for you?

Why this is the lowest, most unethical thing

I ever heard of any reporter doing anywhere.

Did you really think I'd fall for it?

- What story?

- Do you know what I do when I get something like this?

(ominous music)

- Fire me?

- Hire me?

Not now, fellas, later.

- That's right, hire you, for a minute

I thought he was gonna can me but he said

it was one of the best jobs in reporting he'd ever seen.

Your story was brilliant.

That's how I knew I had nothing to do with it.

- Well that's fine, Tim, but--

- Just picture this.

You and me working side by side covering

the four corners of the earth.

We might even get a duo byline.

By Tim and Martin O'Hara, now how does that sound?

- Not very good really--

- All right then, by Martin and Tim O'Hara.

Hey it's gonna be great working with a guy

with your powers.

I sure hope I can keep my end up.

- You'll have to keep it up alone, Tim,

I can't take the job.

- Why not, this is a great opportunity.

You can go anywhere, meet anybody.

Study what you want, when you want.

- As who?

How am I going to fill out all of those forms

that say mother's maiden name?

Have you ever had chicken pox?

If so, where, if not, why?

Social security number, hospitalization number,

credit card number.

- You don't exist, do you?

- Not as far as this civilization is concerned.

- But he wants you!

- Listen, Tim, he only wants me because I'm new.

Why is it that you Earth people are never satisfied

with what you have?

Any day now I expect to see an ad

for new ancient ruins of Pompeii.

Just go back and tell him I don't want the job.

No means no in any man's language.

- Well he might take that as an insult.

- The world won't end if I'm not a reporter on The Sun.

After all, it's just--

- The finest daily newspaper in the west

of the Mississippi, offers him a job and he turns it down?

- He's an inventor, Mr. Burns,

that takes up most of his time.

- He wouldn't turn it down.

You know, I don't think you even told him

about my offer.

What's the matter with you, O'Hara?

You jealous of your uncle? - No.

- [Harry] You afraid of the competition?

- No.

- [Harry] Afraid you won't be able to write anything

as brilliant as his story?

- No!

- Let me tell you something.

If there aren't two O'Haras on this paper

tomorrow morning, there won't be any!

I'm not gonna let a reporter like that

slip through my fingers.

- I don't have to take this, Mr. Burns!

- I know that.

- But I'll tell him anyway.

- You see that you do that, now get out of here,

and go to work.

(mischievous music)

(mysterious music)

O'Hara!

And in closing, on behalf of myself

and the entire staff,

let me say welcome.

(clapping)

- Thank you.

- Here's your press card, display it proudly, my boy.

Here are your passes to the Roller Derby.

(audience laughs)

And now if everyone will take their cue

from Martin O'Hara's fine reporting,

be inspired by it to give their all,

this newspaper will never have

to take second place to anyone.

Please.

The credit is yours, I just want the satisfaction

of knowing that I can recognize truly great reporters.

And so with this-- (phone rings)

All right, back to work.

- Congratulations, Mr. O'Hara.

- Yeah, congratulations, welcome aboard a sinking ship.

- I've got to convince Burns

he hasn't discovered another pu-la-tiv.

Before they begin wondering

where my employment application is.

- Any suggestions, short of illiteracy?

- Truthfully not at the moment, but I've always said--

- When there's a martian, there's hope.

- I hope.

- O'Hara. - Which one?

- Both.

(mysterious music)

Gentlemen, we are going to be sued.

That was Ambassador Thomas' lawyer

and Thomas is going to sue us for one million dollars

for invasion of privacy.

Now how did you get that story?

- I'm sorry, Mr. Burns,

but I can't reveal my source of information.

- Don't give me that bunk.

You can tell me, I'm a newspaper man, too, remember?

- It would be unethical.

Tim taught me that.

- I know Lloyd Thomas and he will sue

unless we can prove that you didn't invade his privacy

because underneath that red sash

beats the heart of a thief.

I know him, I've worked with him.

- I didn't know that.

- Oh shut up.

It so happens that I was a press attache

when he was undersecretary at the French embassy

and he was mean and underhanded then,

and 25 years hasn't changed him.

Why that man would steal the teeth

out of a man's mouth if he could.

Oh well, never mind about that.

You've got to tell me how you got that story.

- He can't.

- Will you stay out of this?

Now come on, tell me how you got that story.

- I can't.

- [Harry] Wait a minute.

- Don't worry about it, Mr. Burns,

I mean we'll handle everything, Mr. Burns.

We'll get to the bottom of this. (laughs)

Now where'd he go?

(playful music)

- Yes?

- Ambassador Thomas, I'm Martin O'Hara

of the Los Angeles Sun and I'd like to explain about the...

(knocking)

- Now look you, I don't wanna have...

That's funny, there's no one there.

- Don't try to change the subject, Lloyd.

- I'm not trying to change the subject

and you're not gonna change my mind, Edith.

- Then we're going to be here for quite awhile, Lloyd.

- [Lloyd] That announcement might cost me the nomination,

direct my timing.

- Oh your timing, you're just doing it to spite poor Harry.

- Stop calling him poor Harry.

He hasn't changed one bit.

He's as mean and underhanded as he was 25 years ago.

Only worse.

- [Edith] He has too changed.

- [Lloyd] How would you know that?

- [Edith] Oh Lloyd, don't be silly.

(knocking)

And stop trying to change the subject.

(mysterious music)

- Tim.

- Where did you go?

- To see Ambassador Thomas.

It's too bad man can't be more scientific.

You can heat water and in a few minutes, it'll boil away,

but simmer a bruised ego for 25 years,

there won't be less, there'll be more.

- I don't know what you're talking about,

but I shot my mouth off to Burns and I told him

we'd handle everything.

- And you were absolutely right, we will.

Can you get Burns to the hotel tonight around eight?

- I suppose so, why?

- There's only one thing left to do, Tim.

You've got to expose me.

- Expose you?

I thought that's just what we were trying to avoid?

- Tim, the dignity of The Sun is at stake.

Not to mention your job.

- I don't have anything to say to that ambassador.

- Oh please, Mr. Burns, the least you can do

is have the courtesy to hear him out.

- Good evening, Edith.

- Won't you come in, Harry?

- Thank you.

- I want it on the front page.

- Anywhere you want your apology is fine with me.

- I'm not apologizing, you are, all over the front page.

- Now Lloyd, don't lose your temper, Harry, please.

- You said he was gonna drop the suit.

- Don't your hands ever get tired

from so much double dealing?

Your secretary pleaded with me to hear your apology.

- I don't have a secretary.

- Lloyd, Harry, stop it.

- I think I'd better--

- Explain what's going on here.

- Well, you see, I figured you people wouldn't

get together unless you thought that the other party

was giving in.

Well I'm afraid I lied, just a little,

but here you are, together,

and that's why Uncle Martin is here.

He's gonna make a confession.

- That's the man we saw in the corridor, Lloyd.

- Yes, the one who kept knocking on our door

and running away.

This one of your spies, Burns?

- He's a reporter on The Sun.

- Same thing. - Mr. Burns, Mr. Burns.

He's right, I acted like a spy.

- [Harry] What?

- Yes, that's what I've been trying to tell you, Mr. Burns.

Hurry up, Uncle Martin.

- I have a confession to make.

Please, sit down.

- [Lloyd] Better be a good one.

- Mr. Ambassador, I peeked through the transom

and I saw where you kept your speech.

I know I did wrong, now, I went against everything

that Tim and Mr. Burns ever taught me about reporting.

- That was cheap yellow journalism.

Burglary at its lowest and deception at its highest.

No, wait a minute, no, sir, that was just a piece

of darn fine reporting.

- Go on, Mr. Burns, go on, fire when ready.

I can take it.

- Fire you, when you did what every good reporter

ought to do, not a chance.

You were just sore because my man got the story first.

- There's your hero, Edith.

- Edith, you must understand

my position. - Mr. Burns, Mr. Burns.

Mr. Burns, maybe you'd better let me tell them

the real reason I did what I did.

My mistake was made because of Mr. Burns' admiration

for you, Mr. Ambassador.

Admiration, respect and devotion.

- It was?

- Yes, ma'am, shall I go on, Mr. Burns.

I don't want to embarrass you.

- Yes, go on, go on.

- Mr. Ambassador.

Mr. Burns thinks that you are one of the finest men we have.

He wanted to show that there were no hard feelings

about what happened 25 years ago.

That he did not carry a grudge.

So I had to get a story any way I could.

Mr. Burns' integrity, his sense of justice and fair play

wouldn't have allowed him to print the story

if he had known how I got it.

But after he read it, he wanted to be the first

to back your campaign for the Senate.

- I'll be.

- Mr. Burns, he compromised you.

- Yes, how dare you compromise me

in the eyes of the ambassador?

You know what you did was most unethical?

It's a disgrace to the policies and integrity

of myself and The Sun.

My word is my bond.

I'm shocked and you're fired.

- Harry, I thought you were trying to get back at me

for taking Edith away from you.

- Why Lloyd, you're jealous.

- It's nothing to be proud of.

- It is when you can admit it, Mr. Ambassador.

- You stay out of this, how dare you come between

two old friends, you know, it was you and your methods

that caused this whole misunderstanding.

- You've said enough, you've said enough, O'Hara,

get out of here, you're a blood on The Sun.

- Come to dinner tomorrow, right, Lloyd?

- Absolutely.

- Thank you, we'll have quite a lot

to talk about, right, Senator?

- Right, Harry.

- Good night. - Good night.

Why Lloyd Thomas, it's been years since I've seen you--

- [Lloyd] Now don't start that, Edith.

- [Edith] It's been years since I've seen you blush.

(audience laughs)

(playful music)

- She's quite a woman, but...

How can you stand that troublemaker?

- Just lucky I guess.

(audience laughs)

(gentle music)

- It's beautiful, Tim.

- We aim to please.

- [Martin] Isn't that interesting?

(audience laughs)

- We gotta get out of here.

- Oh not again. - Yeah.

(door clunking)

- [Martin] And just because of a jewelry box.

(upbeat music)