Original subtitles

(rousing orchestral fanfare)

- Now look O'Hara, it is not my fault if you misunderstood.

- I didn't misunderstand anything,

you deliberately told me the wrong time.

- You know something?

This is why Uncle Oliver doesn't promote you O'Hara,

you've always got an alibi.

- Alibi?

I'll alibi you.

I'll break you in two.

- Oh, well come on now, do me a favor, hit me.

- Oh, this is one favor I'd be glad to do.

You know something, I owe you an awful lot Freddy Carson,

and I'm going to start paying you off right now.

(magical gong)

(audience laughs)

- Hollering for help already, huh?

You yellow O'Hara!

(growls) (audience laughs)

- Well what did you do that for?

- Tim, a bloody nose never settled anything.

- Well maybe not, but on him,

it would sure look good.

(audience laughs)

- You Earthlings never cease to amaze me.

Your ultimate argument is always,

"I can lick you with one hand tied behind my back."

(audience laughs)

- Alright, Uncle Martin, no lectures, please,

I'm not in the mood.

- In other words, to use your own phrase,

put up or shut up.

- That would be nice, yes.

- Very well, let's review the situation.

The basis of the conflict between you and Freddy

is that you're both up for promotion to journeyman reporter.

- Yes, well you can forget it as far as I'm concerned.

Freddy has the inside track.

- You mean because he's Mrs. Burns' nephew?

- Well, that and a lot of other things.

Have you noticed how closely he sticks to Burns,

just like glue, and he's always buttering him up,

and telling him what a nice guy he is.

And he's always laughing at everything Mr. Burns says,

it's always so funny.

It's disgusting! (audience laughs)

(draw slams)

Come on Martin, let's go home.

(playful orchestral interlude)

(magical music)

- Who you tuning in on Uncle Martin?

That's eavesdropping!

- [Martin] I know.

- [Tim] What's he saying?

- He is saying that osso bucco is a far superior dish

to grenadine of beef.

Your Mr. Burns, is a gourmet.

- Oh, well that solves my problem.

(audience laughs) - Now, maybe it does.

Don't let opportunity slip through your fingers.

- Opportunity for what?

- For buttering up the boss,

like he's never been buttered before.

It so happens, that back home,

I'm known as the L'Escoffier

of The Martian Master Chef Society.

We'll invite him to dinner.

I'll prepare a meal that is literally out of this world.

Martian strew! (audience laughs)

- Isn't that a little far to go just for the ingredients?

- To the gourmet the staples are unimportant.

I can substitute foods from Earth.

The important thing is the condiments.

The spices, which give an exotic piquancy

to an otherwise simple comestible.

Those I have in the spaceship.

Between slathering on the butter,

and attacking his palate,

we'll have him begging you to accept that promotion.

(audience laughs) (playful musical interlude)

(high pitched beeps)

(otherworldly music)

(high pitched beeps)

(whimsical orchestral theme music)

(playful orchestral music)

- After a meal like that, it would be a desecration

ever to eat again. (audience laughs)

- Well, thank you very much Mr. Burns.

We have a saying around here,

that nothing is too good for my boss.

- Thank you Tim, I'm flattered.

Now, let us see if I can still stand up.

(laugh) (audience laughs)

- That's re--

That's funny!

Let's see if I can still stand

up! (audience laughs)

(slaps)

- That's strange, I feel like I'm going to--

(hiccup) (audience laughs)

Gotta stretch my legs.

(hiccup) (audience laughs)

Excuse me.

(slow paced orchestral music)

(audience laughs)

(slow hiccup)

(audience laughs)

Ex

cuse

me.

(slower paced orchestral music)

(audience laughs)

(slow laugh)

(slow hiccup)

(audience laughs)

(audience laughs)

- Mr. Burns?

Mr. Burns, can you hear me?

- What did you put in the stew?

- Nothing.

Except a little ground whifflebark.

- But what happened?

- I don't know?

Apparently some sort of chemical reaction

from mixing my Martian condiments with your Earth food.

- Well, we all ate the same thing.

- You didn't, you didn't eat your salad.

- You ate it, now why aren't you like him?

- Tim, I was raised on whifflebark.

- Oh, well what do we do?

Call a doctor?

- This is a Martian syndrome.

Your Earth doctors wouldn't know where to begin.

(magical music)

- What's the matter?

- Testing for brain waves.

- Can he hear us?

- Ssh!

His mind is a complete blank.

- Yeah, well I know exactly how he feels.

Uncle Martin, do you realize what you've done to me?

You've petrified my boss!

(audience laughs)

- I'm aware of what I've done.

I'm also aware of the fact,

that if anyone should see him in this condition,

there will inevitably be some sort of investigation,

which could expose me as a Martian.

- Well, what can we do about it?

- It's very simple.

All we have to do is cure him.

- Do you mind if I ask how?

- First, we break down all the chemical elements involved

into basic formulae, reassemble them into compound formulae,

and determine their inter-reactions.

- You do that. (audience laughs)

You know what we should have done?

We should have taken him out to dinner.

That little Hungarian restaurant down on the corner?

All he would have had now is heartburn.

(audience laughs)

- Of course!

That's it!

- What?

What, what, what?

- Are you in anyway familiar with the homo cycle,

and hetero cycle sub classifications of chemical compounds?

It was a ridiculous question. (audience laughs)

Suffice it to say, that all we have to do is counteract--

(magical music)

Mrs Brown.

- Do what to Mrs. Brown.

- Yoo-hoo everybody!

Did Tim get promoted yet?

- Not yet Mrs Brown, but we're working on it.

- Oh that's good, because I made a batch of fudge brownies

for Mr. Burns, I wanted to do my bit.

Yoo-hoo Mr. Burns!

Oh, isn't that fun, (audience laughs)

I haven't played statue since I was a little girl.

Now don't tell me, let me guess.

Um!

You're Napoleon at Waterloo?

(audience laughs)

- No, no Mrs. Brown he's--

- Washington crossing the Delaware?

You're General Custer rallying the troops.

(audience laughs)

- I'm what?

- Well, aren't you General Custer rallying the troops

at Valley Forge.

- No, I'm Oliver Burns

about to sit down after a hearty meal.

(audience laughs)

- Ho, ho, that's very good,

I must remember that one, that's a real toughy.

(audience laughs)

Is he alright?

- Yes, are you alright Mr. Burns?

- Am I alright?

(phone rings)

Well, doesn't anybody answer the phone around here?

- Yes, I do, but I didn't hear it.

- Well, hear it now.

- Hello?

Oh Mr. Burns, yes, he's here.

It's for you.

- Oh, I know.

What am I?

(audience laughs)

- Mrs. Brown, we're through playing statues.

- Oh, that's a shame, because you'd never

of guessed the Statue of Liberty.

(audience laughs) - Hello?

Yeah, this is Mr. Burns.

Yes, you knew I was coming here to dinner.

- Do you think it would help if I spoke

to Mr. Burns about Tim?

- Frankly, no.

Goodnight Mrs. Brown,

and thank you so much for those brownies.

- Oh, you're welcome, I'm sure.

- [Burns] Well, what is it?

What?

When?

Tonight!

- Thank goodness, he's back to normal!

- Only temporarily.

If my calculations are correct.

- Only temp--

Uncle Martin, he can't!

It's not just my promotion I'm worried about,

but well, there's gotta be a law against

what we did to him.

- Uh-hm, a rather harsh one too I imagine.

- How can you be so calm at a time like this?

- Because, in a crisis we Martians

don't panic, we think.

It's really very simple,

now I have isolated the compound

which resulted from the combination of tarragon

in the salad dressing with my ground whifflebark.

- Oh, is that what caused--

- Yeah

- Now this compound set off a chemical imbalance

in the digestive system,

which acts directly on the motor activities of the brain,

when induced by a sudden interruption to ingestion,

such as a hiccup.

- I see (audience laughs)

- Uh-hm, now all we have to do now

is restore that balance with a counter agent,

namely sagberry concentrate.

- Can we get that at a drugstore?

- Every corner drugstore handles it, on Mars.

Fortunately, we don't have to go that far.

I have some in the spaceship.

- [Burns] Yes, Marge you don't have to draw me--

- I can get it as soon as Mrs. Brown is safely in the house.

- I understand Marge, alright, thank you for calling.

Goodbye.

- She's gone, now I can get it.

- Now you keep him here,

don't let him get out of your sight.

- Where's your uncle going?

- My uncle, oh, ah well, he had to go

and get something he forgot,

for desert. (audience laughs)

- Oh, I'm afraid I can't stay for dessert.

- But you've go to.

It's very unusual.

It's very important.

- It's more important for me to get to the airport,

you see, Mr. Thomas is coming here at nine tomorrow.

- But you can see Mr. Thomas anytime--

Mr. Thomas?

The Mr. Thomas?

Our publisher?

- His flight is due at 9:15,

and Freddy's on his way to pick me up.

Now, Tim, where'd you put my hat?

- Oh, your hat,

well, I'm sure I put your hat someplace Mr. Burns,

because, look, Mr. Burns, you've got eight or ten minutes,

now, why don't we just sit and chat,

and that'll give you plenty of time to find your hat.

- Nevermind, here it is. (audience laughs)

- Oh, there it is.

Well, Freddy doesn't have to drive you to the airport,

we can drive you.

- Thanks, but he's already on his way.

And one thing I like about Freddy,

he's always punctual.

- Oh, well yes, I'm glad you brought that up Mr. Burns,

'cause there's something I've been meaning

to talk to you about.

You see, the reason I missed the city council assignment,

was because, well somebody told me

that it had been postponed until three o'clock.

- Well, Tim, you have a good potential for newspapering,

but you should have double checked.

Now you take Freddy--

(hiccup)

I'm not saying this because

Freddy

is

my

wife's

nephew

but

Freddy

has

(audience laughs)

- Mr. Burns?

(snap)

Mr. Burns?

Well, don't worry Mr. Burns,

Uncle Martin has everything under control.

At least, he will have.

He's at it again.

Well come on Uncle Martin, do something,

Mr. Thomas is coming, and Freddy's on his way.

- I imagine that makes sense

if you know what you're talking about.

(audience laughs)

Say "Ah." (magical music)

- Ah

(magical music) (audience laughs)

(hiccup)

Many qualities you would do well to copy Tim.

For one thing, Freddy's always there when I need him--

(hiccup)

(audience laughs)

and the boy has a splendid sense of humor.

Well, I know what the scuttlebutt is around the city room.

You and the rest of the staff think that I play favorites

with Freddy because he's my wife's nephew.

Well I can assure you this is not true because I pride

myself on judging a man on merit alone.

The fact that's he's related to me doesn't affect my

judgment in the slightest, or if it does,

it's to such a minor degree as to be negligi--

(audience laughs)

- Well that does it.

I don't what you did, but whatever you did, you did it.

- Hm, that's odd, the sagberry concentrate overcompensated.

I wonder if the fact Earth's photosynthesis

produces green chlorophyll instead of pink

would give me a clue?

- Well, pink, green, purple, chartreuse,

what difference does it make now?

Mr. Thomas is on his way to the airport.

Mr. Burns is supposed to pick him up.

Freddy's on his way over here to pick him up.

(magical music)

- Correction, Freddy isn't on his way over here.

He's here!

(knocks)

(audience laughs)

(groans)

- You'll never know what your friendship

has meant to me Uncle Martin.

(playful orchestral flourish)

(playful orchestral music)

(knocks)

- Quick, give me a hand.

No, no, no, not that way, this way.

- What, out the window?

- No, of course not, into the bedroom.

(knocks) - Oh!

- O'Hara open up!

(knocks)

(suspenseful orchestral music)

(audience laughs)

- We'd better put him on the bed.

- Yeah, yeah.

(knocks)

Uncle Martin, what happens if he hiccups again?

- We'll just have to disappear.

- I wish I knew how. (audience laughs)

- You'd better learn fast if I don't snap him out of it.

- O'Hara, open this door O'Hara! (knocks)

O'Hara! (knocks)

Uncle Oliver, are you in there Uncle Oliver?

(knocks)

Open this door O'Hara!

(knocks)

- I thought I heard somebody knocking.

- Where were you, in the east wing?

Look, tell Uncle Oliver I'm here to pick him up, would you?

- No you can't, he's out.

- What do you mean I can't?

- Just exactly what I said.

You can't, he's out.

- But, we're supposed to pick up Mr. Thomas at the airport.

- Aw, well, why don't you just try again a little bit later?

Huh, maybe when he comes to, I mean back?

See you.

- O Hara!

O'Hara! (door slams)

O'Hara, this is no time for playing games.

D'ya hear me?

Now open this door.

(knocks)

- That's a very foolish thing to do.

- Uncle Oliver! - Well what can we do?

We can't let him in here with Mr. Burns, the way he is.

- On the contrary, we not only have to let him in here,

we've got to keep him here.

- Why for crying out loud?

- O'Hara!

O'Hara, I know you're in there.

I demand you open this door at once.

Open this door! (knocks) (audience laughs)

- If he doesn't find his uncle,

he'll go straight to the police.

(knocks)

- [Freddy] O'Hara!

- Come in Freddy, what a pleasant surprise to see you.

- How are you?

Where's my uncle?

- Why, he'll be here presently.

Won't you come in and wait for him?

Well, what's new at the office?

- Didn't my uncle get a phone call from his secretary.

- Why, yes, yes, yes, I believe he did.

- Yeah well, I can't understand why he'd go out.

- Oh, please sit down Freddy.

- Alright.

You know that's funny, you know Uncle, going out there.

He knows how easily Mr. Thomas gets upset.

If he doesn't meet him at the airplane,

Mr. Thomas may very well decide

not to make him managing editor

when the merger goes through.

- Merger?

What merger?

- Oh, you didn't know.

They didn't tell y--

Oh, yeah, well I guess the news hasn't sifted down

to the lower echelons as yet.

- You mean the Sun is going to merge with another newspaper?

- Yes, yes, it's all been very hush, hush.

Only we on the inside have been told about it.

And of course, we've been most discrete.

Myself, I've only allowed the news to leak out to

a few of my very close friends.

- Why are you telling us all this?

- Oh, there's no harm done.

They'll be announcing it any day now.

See, this is why, Uncle Oliver's postponed officially

making me full time reporter.

Now, there is going to be a general reshuffling

among the personnel.

Of course, a lot of that dead wood

is going to have to be cleared right out.

(audience laughs)

You know you might have yourself

a nice little hovel here if only someone

with imagination could fix it up.

(audience laughs)

- We gave the whifflebark to the wrong guy.

(audience laughs)

- What we need is Na H C O three,

in some combination with a C 12 compound.

- We do?

(audience laughs)

- I've almost got the antidote figured out for--

(hiccup)

(audience laughs)

- As a matter of fact I resent any implication that--

(audience laughs)

- Keep him occupied.

(magical music)

(audience laughs)

(magical music)

- Well, I trust that you had a pleasant nap Mr. Burns?

- Nap?

- Aw, sleep, sleep that knits up the raveled sleave of care.

Great nature's second course.

Chief nourisher in life's feast.

- Don't quote Shakespeare to me,

I got problems-

(magical music)

I just can't seem to get my sea legs under me.

Gotta get to that airport!

(magical music)

(audience laughs)

(magical music)

Give me a hand, will you?

Oh thanks.

Can't understand it, I don't know why Freddy isn't here.

(magical music)

(magical music)

- [Freddy] It's pretty stupid

on Uncle Oliver's part if you ask me.

If he doesn't get here in a minute or two,

I'm going to have to meet that plane myself.

Gotta show Mr. Thomas, somebody in this family

is on his toes.

- [Tim] Wouldn't that put Mr. Burns in a bad light.

- Uh-hm, possibly.

Quite possibly, but who's to say

what might be a bad light for Uncle Oliver,

might turn out to be good light for me.

(tuts) (audience chatters)

- [Tim] Well, I always knew you were a double crosser

Freddy, but I didn't think you'd go that far.

- Come on O'Hara, you're too sensitive.

You've gotta be hard.

You've gotta be ruthless.

Gotta cater to the right people.

- Well, if you're one of the right people,

I'll do my catering at the delicatessen.

(audience laughs)

- Suit yourself.

While you're there, you might see

if they have a job for you.

(hiccup)

- Why, that young whippersnapper,

after all I've done for him.

(hiccup)

- Of course!

Tim, would you step in here for a minute.

(energetic orchestral flourish)

(thoughtful orchestral music)

(clap)

- He did it again.

- No matter, I finally figured out what went wrong,

and more important, what to do about it.

- I hope you're sure this time.

- Positive.

All we need is the counteracting compound of

Na H C O three C 12 H 22 O 11

and C six H 10 O five.

- What's that in English?

- Fudge brownies.

(audience laughs)

- Fudge brow--

Oh, now come on Uncle Martin,

this is no time for clowning around.

- I assure you I'm not clowning around.

It's not the fudge brownies we need per say,

but the chemical compound created when the ingredients

are subjected to heat, as in baking.

There are other ways of obtaining it,

but fudge brownies are the most expedient.

- Alright, one fudge brownie coming up.

(tense orchestral music)

(audience laughs)

(door slams)

Freddy ate the last fudge brownie.

- Well, then you'll have to go down,

and get some more from Mrs. Brown.

- Well, suppose Mrs. Brown doesn't have anymore?

- Mrs. Brown always has more, she's got trunks full.

- Alright, but Freddy's talking about going down

and picking up Mr. Thomas without Mr. Burns.

- Don't worry about Freddy.

I'll take care of him.

(tense orchestral music)

- Tim just went to get some more brownies.

- Not for me I hope?

I've gotta go, Uncle Oliver's time's up.

- Well, Mr. Burns will be here very shortly.

You really ought to wait.

- I came, and I waited.

Uncle Oliver didn't show up.

But, don't worry, I'll explain it all to Mr. Thomas.

(magical music)

(audience laughs)

I wonder what's the matter with these shoe laces.

(playful orchestral music)

Well,

bye.

(magical music)

(audience laughs)

They don't make shoe laces like they used to, do they.

Well,

bye.

(magical music)

(thud) (audience laughs)

- Here, let me help you up!

- Thank you, I haven't done anything like that

since I was a kid.

(audience laughs)

- Oh look, before you become a big shot,

you better learn how to tie your shoes.

- You shut up!

- Oh, does the little man need some help?

- Oh, now keep your hands off me!

- Alright, well, let me help you anyway.

- I told you to keep your hands off me!

- Oh, would you like a carrot?

(audience laughs)

- That is very funny.

- Thank you very much, Freddy.

- I warned you.

- Say ah! (magical music)

- Ah

(magical music)

(hiccup)

(energetic orchestral music)

- Freddy!

- Hi Uncle Oliver,

have you been here all the time?

- Long enough to find out that someone in the family

is on my toes.

- [Freddy] Well, Uncle Oliver, I'd like to explain--

- Will you stop your whining and put your shoes on.

Playtime's over.

Well, thank you for a very pleasant evening.

- Oh no, thank you for a very pleasant evening.

- I enjoyed it immensely.

- Yes, alright, come on let's go.

Come on! - I just--

- You and I are going to have a little, heart to heart talk.

- Well, congratulate me.

- Congratulations Tim, on being promoted

to a full, fledged journeyman reporter.

- Mr. Burns just promoted me

to fill fledged journeyman--

Why do Martians always take the fun out of everything?

(audience laughs)

- I'm sorry Tim,

I should've let you make the announcement,

but listen, that doesn't mean that my congratulations

are any the less sincere.

- Well, thank you.

- After all, I wish you would remember that you have

me to thank for this.

- Well, I have something else to thank you for too.

(audience laughs)

- Let that be a lesson to you.

If you ever develop one big mouth,

remember keep same shut.

- Hey, you know, that sounds like something

Confucius might of said?

- Where of you think he got it.

(playful orchestral flourish)

(whimsical orchestral music)