All language subtitles for My.Favorite.Martian.S01E34.The.Disastro-Nauts.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-NTb01.ENG

(jaunty music)

- Thank you, Mr. Chairman, for
your flattering introduction.

And thank you, fellow
members, for your warm welcome

and your not so warm
chicken croquettes.

(laughter)

I'll be sure to pause here and
take a casual sip of water.

- If you are planning on
getting a laugh at that point

you are liable to
get waterlogged.

- It's not intended to be
what you Earth people call

a yuk or a boffola.

The members of the Martian
Anthropological Society

have a much more
subtle sense of humor.

- Oh, the Martian
Anthropological.

Uncle Martin, you found
a way to get back home?

- No, but Omar M. Keck
has found one for me.

- Keck?

- [Martin] Mmm hmm.

- The bacon and knockwurst king?

- [Martin] Yes.

- What's he got to do with it?

- Tim, don't you ever read the
front page of your own paper?

- Well you know how
I am, Uncle Martin.

Once I get passed the
sporting page and the comics,

well I get
intellectually fatigued.

(laughter)

- [Martin] Well you don't
mind listening, do you?

- No.

- All right.

Omar M. Keck, founder
of the Keck Foundation,

announced here today the
completion of a spacecraft

capable of landing on Mars,

the first privately-financed
project of its kind.

The astronaut will
be chosen tomorrow

from an elite group
now in training.

- Oh, well that's nice.

You're not planning on
being the astronaut?

- Well now can you think
of a better representative

from Earth to Mars
than a Martian?

After all, who can explain
your people better up there

than I can?

- Well granted but aren't you
overlooking one small point?

- [Martin] What's that?

- Well, generally speaking,
astronauts are somewhere between

the ages of their
20s and their 30s,

and you are just a
teeny weeny bit older.

- Thank you for putting
it so delicately.

Well then.

There go my hopes of
getting back home.

My home.

The best laid plans of mice
and Martians, gang aft agley.

- Well now let's not
start agleying yet.

You know I don't know
that there's any law

that says an astronaut
has to be a certain age.

- Thanks for trying to cheer
me up, but it's no use.

Although it would have
been to their advantage

to have a mature, steady
hand at the controls

instead of a youngster who might
just push the panic button.

- Yeah it's too bad
somebody can't tell Keck.

- Well I can't.

I can't get in to see him.

- Well wait a minute.

Why can't I tell him?

- You tell him?

(Martin scoffs)

- I'm a reporter, I can
get in to see anybody.

- Tim, if only you would.

- It's as good as done.

I'll call the Foundation and
I will make an appointment.

(jaunty music)

- Don't bother, I've already
made an appointment for you.

Mr. Keck will see you at nine
o'clock tomorrow morning.

(jaunty music)

(soft music)

(electronic beeping)

(upbeat music)

(instrumental music)

(man imitating monkey)

- You Earth man, me Martian.

You give peanuts.

Me take you to my leader.

My goodness that
looks complicated.

Must take a combination of
Buck Rogers and Einstein

to operate it.

- Oh indeed it does.

In fact this entire book

is just landing
procedures, entirely.

The boys have been
working for two months

and they mastered it yet.

then all these indicators
light up, you see,

and then these master
lights show a perfect score.

Unfortunately that
hasn't happened yet.

- Well I know it
sounds ridiculous but
do you mind if I try?

(instrumental music)

(laughter)

- That's unbelievable.

You came through that
entire sequence perfectly

and in less than five seconds.

- Well I would
have done it faster

except I've got a
hangnail on my thumb.

- Uncle Martin,
this is Mr. Keck.

- Oh.

I don't often meet millionaires.

Is a deep salaam or a
simple curtsy in order?

- Well let's just settle
for a howdy and a handshake.

- Well howdy.

(Omar chuckling)

Thank you for the opportunity

of allowing me to
apply for the job.

- You know I'm sure
you're just goofing

about becoming an astronaut.

And I'll tell you what, we've
got an opening at the plant

for a sausage stuffer.

- Thanks again,

but a sausage casing is not the
opening I came here to fill.

Excuse me.

- Mr. Keck, that man mastered
that control panel in seconds.

I never saw anybody
like him before.

- Yes, and if he gets to
Mars you won't again either.

- Well now wait a
minute, not so fast.

Just because a man's got a
head stuffed full of brains,

that don't make
him an astronaut.

Frankly, Tim, your uncle looks
a wee might scrawny to me.

How are the other boys doing?

- Well fine.

Come on, come on.

- Hiya, Mr. Keck!

- [Omar] Oh howdy, Baker.

- This one's gonna separate
the men from the boys.

(suspenseful music)

- You're in great shape, Baker.

- [Baker] Thank you.

- Well that looks like fun,
do you mind if I try it?

- Are you kidding, pops?

You're liable to
snap your garters.

(laughter)

- Oh Baker, this is Tim
O'Hara, the Los Angeles Sun.

- Hi there.
- Hi there.

(triumphant music)

- Mr. Keck!

(jaunty music)

- I know I saw it but
I can't believe it!

Why he's not human!

- My goodness, he's
out of this world.

- You can say that again.

- He's out of this world.

(laughter)

- Excuse me.

(jaunty music)

- Pretty good.

- Thank you.

May I?

- Mr. O'Hara, I'm
really man of few words.

How would you like
to go to Mars?

- I'm a man of fewer words.

The answer is yes.

- You mean it, do
you really mean it?

- Yes, I really mean it.

(instrumental music)

(Tim chuckling)

- This is gonna cover
the whole front page.

- Ah, don't forget your byline.

- Oh I haven't
forgotten anything,

starting with the fact that you
were chosen as the astronaut

and that you visited the
capsule today at Burbank

and that you had
lunch with Mr. Keck.

- That reminds me.

Tim, you didn't have to go so
far as to pick up the check.

- Well I didn't want him to
think he was dealing with pikers

and besides, you noticed that
he didn't struggle very much.

- Yes, I've noticed
that about you people.

The only time you don't
mind coming in second

is when it comes to
picking up the tab.

(laughter)

- Boy this is really great copy.

Burns is just going
the love me for this.

- Well from what you
tell me about him

even if he doesn't
hate you quite as much

that will be a triumph.

- Oh with this scoop

I'll have him eating
right out of my hand.

As a matter of fact
with the bonus I get

I am going to buy a stereo
tape system for my car,

you know, the one I've
always dreamed about.

- Mmm hmm.

Tim, bonuses are like chickens.

Don't count them
before they're hatched.

- Oh it's in the bag.

Why old stone-faced
Burns, he couldn't.

(laughter)

(Tim stammering)

- Well?

- Just talking about
Charlie Burns, the butcher.

Well feast your eyes on this
journalistic gem, Mr. Burns.

(Tim chuckling)

Well what do you
have about that?

- The only thing I can say.

- Well.

- O'Hara?

- Yes?

- You are without a doubt the
most incompetent, blundering,

inept reporter it has
ever been my misfortune

to be associated with.

- What?

- While you were out
wining and dining

we were scooped by every
other paper in town.

(instrumental music)

- Mr. Burns, it wasn't
completely Tim's
fault, you know,

what with the excitement--

- Mr. O'Hara, I congratulate
you on being chosen

to go to Mars and I envy you.

- You do, why?

- Because you are able
to put 200 million miles

between yourself and
your nitwit nephew.

(laughter)

(instrumental music)

There you are.

(instrumental music)

- Hi, Martin.

- [Martin] Hi, Tim.

(Tim sighs)

- Uncle Martin,
what are you doing

sitting and reading
that magazine?

You have to go to Mars
in a couple of days.

Now wouldn't you be boning up

on your takeoff and
landing procedure?

- Tim, would you have to
study a 200-page manual

on how to tie a shoelace?

- Oh.

Well you just found
my one weakness.

That's why I wear loafers.

- How'd it go today?

- Burns is still giving
me the treatment.

Do you know what he assigned
to me for this afternoon?

The weekly meeting
of the WLTBFS.

- What's that?

- That is the Westwood Ladies

Thanatopis and Bobbling
Fancier Society.

- Unconstitutional.

Cruel and unusual punishment.

- Even for a bobbling.

- Tim, you know for the first
time since I landed on Earth

I'm rather sorry that you're
the one who had to find me.

Well what I mean is that I
seem to have complicated things

for you a great deal.

- Oh no, of course you
haven't, Uncle Martin.

I mean, well it's had
its compensations.

- I hope you really mean that.

- Well of course I do.

Until I met you I knew
nothing about baroque music,

pre-Columbian art, or
that my Martian uncle

snores just as loud
as the rest of us.

- Tim, would you say that again?

- Pre-Columbian art.

- No, no, that your
Martian uncle snores.

You know, you've got a
story that just might win

the Pulitzer Prize.

- I have?

- Why yes.

Who else can write a
newspaper series entitled

My Uncle Was a Martian?

- Do you mean that I
can tell everything?

- Well of course it can't be
printed up until after I leave.

Premature exposure would
be a little embarrassing.

- Oh, oh, oh what a
going away present!

And all I got for you
was a couple of neckties.

(laughter)

I don't know where to start.

There's so much to tell.

- Why don't you use
your tape recorder?

The thoughts will pour
out more spontaneously

and dramatically.

- That is a great idea.

Mr. Burns, this is Tim O'Hara,
your star reporter speaking.

By the time you hear this tape

the latest missile on its way
to Mars will have been shot.

(instrumental music)

You know, it's a funny thing.

You know everything that there
is to know about philosophy

and anthropology.

All the ologies.

But you still can't make
a decent cup of coffee.

(laughter)

Where do you think you're going?

- You know how I hate farewells
so I thought I'd get a taxi

and go on down to
the base alone.

- I sort of thought you'd
try something like that.

And the answer is absolutely no.

I am taking you to the airbase

and there will be no arguments.

- Well I rather hoped
that you would insist.

- Well I can drop
off the tape recorder

at Mr. Burns's
office on the way.

Do you realize that you're
going to be in the headlines

twice today?

Once when you take off and
again when Mr. Burns finds out

that you really were a Martian.

- Tim, there's no chance he'll
hear that tape prematurely?

- No, no, no.

You'll be taking off at
5:30 and old stone face

doesn't even get into his
office till six o'clock.

By that time you'll be
thousands of miles away.

Which reminds me that.

(soft music)

I'll be ready in a jiffy.

(people speaking indistinctly)

- Mr. Keck?

- Hey!

What's going on here?

- Television.

The eyes of the
country are on us.

- Television!

Well I didn't aim to keep this
little old shoot a secret.

Do them red tape fellas good
to see how an old cowhand

gets things done.

(laughter)

Well howdy, Tim.

You're on television.

Now tell me, Tim, you didn't
leave that old bronco buster

in the corral, did ya?

- No, sir.

No, no, my Uncle Martin
wouldn't miss a chance

to get back home.

- Back home?

- Yes.

Oh, he's been thinking
so much about Mars lately

he just considers it
his home away from home.

- Now that's what I
call real dedication!

- [Professor] There he is now.

- Well do you think it
does anything for me?

- Well lapels are
still in fashion

and the pants could
use a little tapering.

- Well there goes my
chance to get in Princeton.

- Now Martin, you wouldn't
mind saying a few words

on television, would ya?

- Oh I'd be delighted.

If I'd known you
were going to do

I would have had some
appropriate ad libs ready.

- Well you know I
thought of that.

I knew you wouldn't
have too much time

so I whipped a little
something up myself.

- Oh well thank you,
thank you very much.

(Martin clears throat)

Ladies and gentlemen I
face this historic moment

with supreme confidence.

Until I return, may I leave
you with these parting words.

Behold, have faith in.

Behold, have faith in the future

and eat Keck's
squared meatballs,

the meatball with the corners
that taste oh so good.

(laughter)

- Thanks a lot, Martin.

Thanks, boy, I'll give you
another commercial later.

- One hour to blastoff.

Martin, you'd better
get up to the capsule.

- Gentlemen, he who is
about to fly salutes you.

- Good luck, Martin!

(people whistling)

- You made those meatballs
sound so yummy I just can't wait

to run down to my
neighborhood supermarket.

- Tim, I'm glad that taped
account of my stay on Earth

is already on your
editor's desk.

I'd hate to have this incident
recorded in my biography.

- Happy landing, Uncle Martin.

- Yeah.

I'll see ya, Tim.

(jaunty music)

- [Tim] May I borrow
those for one second.

- Sure.
- Thank you.

Here.

(instrumental music)

(instrumental music)

- Crenshaw to astronaut.

O'Hara, do you read me?

- [Martin] I read
you loud and clear.

- We're blasting off
on full automatic,

so just sit back and relax.

- [Martin] Relaxing.

Bye, Tim.

And don't forget the
laundry goes out on Tuesday.

- Yeah, Martin.

(laughter)

- Now this is it.

10, nine, eight.

- [Man] Professor, hold it!

- Yes, what is it?

- Extreme disturbance
in upper atmosphere.

Visibility approaching zero.

May continue several hours.

- Mr. Keck, we
can't blast off now.

We're going to have to
delay the countdown.

- Here, give me that phone.

O'Hara?

- [Martin] Yes, Mr. Keck?

- We're socked in.

Don't get out of the capsule.

Just stay put.

- [Martin] Orders
received and noted.

I'll catch up on
my beauty sleep.

Over and out.

(laughter)

- Can you imagine a man taking
a nap at a time like this?

Why that man ain't got a
nerve in his whole body!

- Not a nerve.

- Holy Toledo.

The tape.

Mr. Burns!

(instrumental music)

- Now what took you so long?

If anyone plays that tape
and finds out I'm a Martian--

- Yeah I know, I know,
don't finish the sentence.

For the first time in my
life I am ahead of you.

(soft music)

(laughter)

Mr. Burns, this is Tim O'Hara,
your star reporter speaking.

By the time you hear this tape

the latest missile on its way
to Mars will have been shot.

So if you're standing up,
please sit down, relax,

close your eyes, because
you are about to get

the surprise of your life.

Get set to hear the greatest
story of the century.

(instrumental music)

- Go on, go on.

(laughter)

Sit down.

Close your eyes.

Relax, he says.

(Mr. Burns muttering)

O'Hara.

Hands on him!

- Yahoo, the Weather
Bureau says go, go, go.

- Coordinator to astronaut.

- Well now wait a minute.

It's set to go off on
automatic, ain't it?

Well then why bother a man

when he's trying
to catch 40 winks?

He'll have plenty to do later.

- All right, men.

Here we go.

Countdown.

10, nine, eight, seven, six.

- Well we just made it.
- Five, four.

- The fog's lifting,
Uncle Martin, you'd
better shake a leg.

- This is no time
for half-measures.

I intend to shake both legs.
- One.

(mechanical whirring)

(laughter)

(people cheering)

- Yes sir, if I had
to come in second,

I'm glad good old
Martin's taking the trip.

- I don't want to tell you.

When that old buckaroo
lands on Mars,

we're gonna all be mighty
proud that we knew him.

It can't be!

You're not here,
you're up there!

- Believe me, I'm just as
sorry as you are that I'm not.

- Even sorrier.

- Perfect takeoff.

- Without the astronaut!

- Of course it would have
been nicer if the missile

had left with me, but as we
all know success is relative.

As Aristotle once said--

- Oh hang Aristotle!

Why didn't you stay put?

- Well that capsule
was rather confining

and my foot fell asleep

and well I didn't think
there would be any harm

if I just stepped
out for one minute.

- Yeah, that sounds like a
reasonable explanation to me.

- Well nobody can
say that Omar M. Keck

don't learn by his mistakes

and we're gonna put
up another missile.

- Well if you'll arrange
for a little more room

in the capsule I'll
be quite comfortable.

- Yep, Omar M. sure
learned something,

and the next time he
picks an astronaut

it's gonna be a
kid in knee pants!

- But Mr. Keck--

- And he may not know
a lot about Aristotle

but he'll know enough to
stay put when he's told!

Come on, boys.

(laughter)

- He can't talk to you like
that, not while I'm around!

- Please, Tim, please!

Please restrain yourself!

- Well I'm gonna
teach him a lesson.

I'll, I'll, I'll never
by his knockwurst again.

(laughter)

- Thanks, Tim.

What's a trip to Mars compared
to friendship like that?

(instrumental music)

(jaunty music)