Original subtitles

[theme music playing]

[narrator] The desert wind brings a message,

a cry, a plea for aid, to a team resolute.

They strap on their boots, their will as sharp as a blade.

They mount their trusty steed,

-and barrel headlong into danger... -[gasps]

...leaving no stone unturned,

to divine the strange from the stranger.

Never knowing what they'll find,

never minding what they know,

whether ghosts or ghouls, or tricksters who fool,

their opponents destined to reap what they sow.

A mystery team is a mystery.

Why do they do what they do?

They face dangers grave,

while remaining brave, to fight for what's right

and what's true.

[employee on PA] Attention, shoppers,

please make your final selections.

The grocery store will be closing in five minutes.

Do we need cereal?

Hold on, I can't read your writing.

I can't read any of it.

Michael, what is this word?

That's no "word." I don't write words.

I draw pictures.

That's a box of cereal.

So, yes, to answer my earlier question...

That's a box of cheese. That's a box of milk.

That's a box of lettuce.

Okay, maybe we see if we can get our groceries

delivered to the house and limit

these "Michael's out and about in the world" situations.

[laughing]

Ugh, Pigeon, stop it, you're acting like a baby.

Oh, really? That must be why I just shit my diaper.

[laughs] Oh, wait, I'm not wearing a diaper.

-[laughs] -Okay, ugh, you are foul.

Uh, hey, guess what,

if you strap me into a grocery cart like a [bleep] baby

then I'm gonna act like a [bleep] baby.

Oh, Pigeon, I strap you in there because

I don't want you to get away.

You're my little [bleep] baby.

[employee on PA] Clean up on aisle three.

Great, now you got us in trouble.

This isn't aisle three.

Well, whatever happened in aisle three

can't be as awful as what happened in aisle tw--

[screams]

[Yung Hee] Oh, my God, that's horrible.

Holy Lord.

Oh. My God. I'll call an ambulance.

It's too late. She's dead. Murdered.

Well then, I'll call the police.

No. We'll take care of it.

We're the Mike Tyson Mystery Team.

-What? -Michael, he should call the police--

-Are you the manager? -Yes.

Listen to me.

I want you to lock every door in this store.

The murderer is in here somewhere.

And he is not getting out. Or she.

But it's usually a "he."

Hopefully not a "Yung Hee."

But right now everyone is a suspect.

Tie her up, Marquess.

What?

And when you're done, tie yourself up too.

This is the worst BDSM fantasy of all time.

[Mike] Oh, my God.

Is it a clue?

No, they got a special on pickles,

three for the price of one.

Momma, there goes that man.

[Mike on PA] Attention, all shoppers.

Attention, shoppers. This grocery store is closed.

Until this case is.

Dad, why are you acting like you know what you're doing?

"A mystery team is a mystery.

Why do they do what they do?"

-What? -What are you talking about?

Didn't you hear that poem at the beginning?

It got me all fired up.

"They face dangers grave, while remaining brave,

to fight for what's right and what's true."

Okay, all the doors are locked.

No one can get out. Now what?

Let's get everyone in one place.

Where should we meet?

Of course, the meat section.

Okay, everyone, just calm down.

This is Mike Tyson.

He's the former heavyweight champion of the world

and now, uh, evidently some kind of policeman.

Go ahead, Mike Tyson, Mr. Tyson.

Or officer. I don't know wha--

Officer's fine.

I think it's this guy. The one covered in blood.

I'm covered in blood because I'm a butcher.

Oh, my God, he's admitted it. Case closed.

Open the doors.

[Pigeon screaming]

Case reopened. Keep the doors closed.

[grunts]

Pigeon, what is wrong?

"What's wrong?"

What the [bleep] do you mean, "What's wrong?"

You assholes left me strapped in this cart,

sitting in my own filth,

just staring at that dead woman's body.

Hey, hey, watch it,

this is an active crime scene, mother[bleep].

All of this shit is evidence, mother[bleep].

Never touch evidence.

Oh, what is this? This could be evidence.

I'm gonna touch it.

Okay.

This is a weird grocery list.

Here, you read it. I've been talking too much.

I feel like I've had too many lines in this episode.

My mouth is dry. I need some water.

Ah.

That was some shitty water.

Michael. That was vinegar.

Well, wait, this isn't a grocery list.

It's like she was grading your store.

"Produce department, 'C.'

Fruit found on floor, larvae visible on melon,

mold evident throughout."

She must have been a secret shopper...

Damn, Philip. You're lucky she didn't get to turn that in.

What do you mean, Hector?

I mean, you're the produce guy.

I mean if corporate saw that, you'd be fired for sure.

So it's a good thing that lady is dead.

Are you accusing me of something, Hector?

Yeah, Philip. Straight up.

I think you murdered that lady.

Well, wait, there's more.

"Meat section". It got a "C-".

Let me see that.

What the [bleep]?

"Expired ground beef"?

"Poultry above safe temperature"?

"Spoilage"? I'm doing the best I can

with the tools they give me.

To hell with that lady. I'm glad she's dead.

I bet you are, Hector.

'Cause they would fire your ass.

And send you back to Mexico.

Lick my [bleep], you ignorant, white mother[bleep],

I'm from Lake Havasu City.

[both grunting]

Come on, guys. No fighting on the floor.

If you want to fight, do it somewhere else,

but not on my floor.

That's right, it is your floor, Delvin.

Yeah, you got the most to lose, Delvin.

Overall store grade... "D."

"D"? Corporate will shut this store down.

They'll hold me responsible.

I'm here 21 years.

I'm eight years from retirement.

Looks like you'll be spending your retirement

in jail, Delvin...

For murder.

I'm not taking the fall for this. Argh.

[grunts]

[gasps]

Gina.

No!

She used to let me feel her tits

in the freezer.

I loved her. [sobs]

I'm gonna [bleep] kill you, Delvin.

Hey. Quit [bleep] leaving me, you assholes.

Good Lord, this is the stuff of nightmares.

This grotesquerie visited upon my eyes.

"Vegan ice cream"? "Contains no dairy."

"Made from fresh avocado." What?

I mean, what the [bleep]?

What the [bleep] is wrong with this world?

[panting]

[grunts]

Dad, do something.

Don't worry, Yung, I bet they're just gonna talk it out.

[grunts] Hector... No.

Think of your family back in Mexico.

I'm third-generation American,

you ignorant, racist, piece of [bleep].

[screaming]

[all gasping]

[grunts]

What are you doing, Philip?

Gina and I had been secretly dating

for the last three months.

[choking]

Michael, please. Intervene.

No. There's been enough violence here today.

[both grunting]

[lobsters chittering]

Well, we don't know who the murderer was.

But at least we know, whoever it was, is dead.

[woman] What? What happened?

[Yung Hee] You're alive?

The last thing I remember, I was reaching for

a jar of mayonnaise on the top shelf and I...

and I fell backwards.

I hit my head. I think I'm... I think I'm bleeding.

[Mike] Oh, ma'am, I believe this belongs to you.

It's your secret shopper's report.

Oh...

This is old and from a different store.

I was just here shopping for myself

and I used the back of the paper for my grocery list.

"Mayonnaise."

[narrator] A mystery team is a mystery.

Why do they do what they do?

They face dangers grave,

while remaining brave,

-to fight for what's right... -[engine starts]

...and what's true.

[Pigeon] You gotta be [bleep] kidding me.

They just left?

Mother[bleep]! Argh!

[grunts] Oh, ah.

[theme music playing]

[Hugh] What is the price of a gallon of milk?

[sighs]

Realistically, my best thought...

Four bucks.

-That's very close... -Oh, [bleep]. Whoo.

[Hugh] A carton of eggs?

A carton of eggs?

Hey... Check this out...

Four bucks.