Original subtitles

[theme music playing]

[coughing]

[farts]

Ah, ah...

[groans]

-[clicks tongue] -[bone cracking]

[sighs and groans]

[scatting]

Morning, Pidge. Sleep well?

Jesus Christ.

Mmm, I'm starving. Should I make pancakes?

Ooh, ooh, like, Asian pancakes?

Oh, my God.

Uh... [sighs]

these [bleep] stairs.

Hey, don't you need the soy sauce?

-Uh, no. -You need the sesame oil?

-No. -Hoisin?

I bet you need the hoisin.

No, Dad. No.

Now, I don't like spicy things.

You're not gonna sneak one of those Chinese red peppers

in there, are you?

Ah... [exclaiming]

I hope you're hungry, Pigeon.

We're having Chinese food.

[groans] I need aspirin or something,

I feel like [bleep].

Ugh, were you up drinking all night?

I gotta take a piss. [farts]

Oh, Pigeon, ugh...

That's a new low for him, if he starts adding that

to his little repertoire,

I think we'll have to have a talk.

What the... They taste just like regular pancakes.

No, except these have a fortune inside.

Ooh!

-[Yung Hee] Okay. -[coughing]

I couldn't piss.

Standing there with my dick in my hand...

nothing.

God, Pigeon, you really look terrible.

Damn! I must've ate my fortune.

I'm gonna go take a nap. [farting]

-[all exclaiming] -Oh, gross.

Maybe he is old,

I mean, I don't wanna be indelicate,

but what is the average life span of a pigeon?

-[phone beeps] -What is the average life span of a pigeon?

[voice on phone] Here's what I found on the Internet

for what is the average life span of a pigeon.

Three to five years.

Wait, how long have we had Pigeon?

Three to five years.

[both gasping]

-Oh, my God! -Damn.

Are you guys thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?

That Pigeon is about to die of old age?

No, if we examine my stool,

I bet we can find that fortune.

Come on, team. To the mystery bathroom.

[farts]

Ugh, okay, I am rolling over in my own grave.

Oh, poor Pigeon.

Who's gonna be the one to tell him?

He did not take it well.

Then again, I'm not known for my bedside manner.

All right then, let me know

when he kicks it so I can move my stuff in there.

Not that I don't appreciate you guys

letting me stay in the pigeon coop.

I got a roof over my head and a heart full of gratitude.

But I also got a lot of pigeon shit all over my clothes.

Well, no fortune. But I did find this quarter.

Who wants it?

Oh, me!

Yup, that's a real quarter.

Jackpot!

Come to say goodbye, have ya?

Oh, I'm sorry, Pigeon... I, uh...

you know, uh... well, you know...

you know, we're just, we're all, um...

you know, we're just, oh...

very sorry.

Ah, I had a good run.

Well, not really, I'm...

I'm full of regret.

Not one moment of my life worked out

the way I thought it would.

And now,

I guess, here we are at the end.

What a waste.

We gonna call those people now?

-Who? -Hospice.

Everyone says how kind they are.

Oh, Pigeon.

You're not dying today. [chuckles]

I mean, I don't...

I don't know and I don't think so.

I think this is an opportunity.

To live in the moment.

To seize the day.

To suck the marrow out of life.

To not waste a single second.

I'm gonna go watch some TV

and just vegetate in front of that box.

Anything to kill time.

Hey, Pidge?

What would you like to do today?

Would you like to be the one to pick the mystery?

Stop yelling at me, you nitwit.

I'm dying, have some GD respect.

No, what I guess I need to do is...

go see my kid.

Wait, w-what?

But, you... you have a kid?

Are you deaf?

Why don't you yell at her?

She's the one who can't hear.

Yes, I have a kid, that's why I said it.

You young people on your screens all day,

you don't pay attention.

I mean, well, I'm not on a screen, so...

ADD.

Everybody's got ADD these days.

You wanna know the cure for ADD in my day?

A swift kick in the dungarees.

Okay, I'm sorry, can we get back to you having a child?

Well, it wouldn't hardly be a child no more.

"Dear Richard... [reading]

Warmly, Michelle."

[coughing]

[sighs]

My God, so...

you've never met your own child?

You don't even know if you have a son or a daughter?

Well, I guess that's today's mystery.

[farts]

-Oh. -Oh, gross.

Michael. You're never going to believe this.

Pigeon has a child he's never met.

They're gonna be reunited before he dies.

Not that you're dying, Pigeon.

We don't know, I mean, you're just old.

Okay, cool.

What? You're not coming?

Nah.

[groans with exasperation]

All right, let's get out of here.

Wait up!

This isn't a [bleep] family outing,

you little dipshit!

Drive!

[Pigeon] I guess it's this one.

You stay here.

[door closes]

[knocking at door]

Michelle, it's me, Richard.

Richard.

The man who got you pregnant all those years ago.

You sent me a letter?

Richard? What happened to you?

Oh, and you haven't aged at all?

You're a pigeon.

Mom, I'm hungry.

Is this...

Give me a second, Jun.

"Jun"? You named him Jun, huh?

-Who are you? -Your old man.

Your dad.

Your pa.

I know I haven't been around much...

or ever.

And I regret that.

But I'm here now.

And I'm not going anywhere.

At least until I die,

which could be any day.

So anyway what do you say?

You wanna throw the old ball around?

Mom, I said I'm hungry.

He has ADD.

[scoffs]

Well, if you need anything, you know,

for his college or whatever, well, I...

I don't have any money.

But, uh, you tell him,

stay in school,

uh, don't use drugs.

Uh...

If he ever thinks about getting a tattoo,

well, you have him draw on himself

with a sharpie and live with that for a week

and see how much he still wants a tattoo.

I live with someone who has one on his face

and trust me, he regrets it.

But most of all... [sighs]

[voice falters] Tell him I'm sorry.

Richard, wait.

When I wrote you that letter,

I thought I was pregnant with only one child.

But when I went into labor,

we discovered I was pregnant with twins.

It was a boy and girl.

I was totally unprepared.

There was no way

I could take care of both by myself.

Naturally, I gave up the less attractive child.

But I still wanted to give our daughter

the best life possible.

A life filled with safety, protection

and security.

So I left her with heavyweight champion

of the world, Mike Tyson.

What?

[Dan Rather on TV] Florida goes for Al Gore.

I told you, Marquess. Gore is gonna win.

Well, thank goodness.

Because you told anyone that would listen

that if Bush won the election,

you would get a tattoo on your face.

[door bell ringing]

Ooh, that's our pizza.

Mike Tyson.

You don't know me, but I know you.

I know you are strong and noble.

You are a fighter.

And I want my daughter to be like that, too.

Because she looks like a boy

and they will make fun of her.

Dress her in pink, always.

[Dan Rather] Stand by, stand by,

we are moving our earlier declaration of Florida

back to the "too close to call" column.

Uh-huh, yeah, pink.

So, will you take my daughter, Yung Hee,

-and raise her, as if she were your own? -Hanging in the balance are 25

very big electoral votes...

Um, yeah.

And if they go the other way,

George W. Bush the governor of Texas,

will become the 43rd president of the United States.

Yung Hee...

is my daughter?

I don't care if you shove it up your [bleep] asshole.

None of your [bleep] business, that's where I was.

Jesus Christ, you're a nosy [bleep] bitch.

You're a lesbian, aren't you?

You little dipshit!

[Marquess exclaims excitedly]

Well, that must have been something.

I mean, I saw a glimpse of him, your son.

Yep, I have a son. Saw my son.

My only child. No other children. Drive. Drive.

So what happened? Do you have a son?

Do you have a daughter?

-He has a son. -Oh, congratulations, Pigeon!

Oh, I am famished.

Is there anything to eat in this house?

I think there are some leftover Chinese pancakes.

Hey, Yung.

Uh...

There's something I should tell you.

Hey, Yung. I just wanna say that those pancakes

you made were delicious.

And I'm lucky you're my daughter, too.

Aw, thanks, Dad.

So, uh, what were you saying?

Huh? Nothing.

Uh...

Hey, you, uh...

you wanna throw the old ball around?

Huh?

All right, fire it down in here, come on now.

-[laughing] -There you go.

-This is fun. -Good boy... girl!

[both laughing]

There you go. Throw it at me.

Go on.

There you go, good girl.

[theme music playing]