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1
00:00:01,735 --> 00:00:03,735
[theme music playing]
2
00:00:36,369 --> 00:00:38,869
Hmm. You know what,
[bleep] it.
3
00:00:38,905 --> 00:00:40,035
Life's too short.
4
00:00:40,073 --> 00:00:41,713
Mmm-hmm.
5
00:00:41,741 --> 00:00:44,411
And you know what,
if I don't like it,
it'll grow back.
6
00:00:44,444 --> 00:00:45,414
[hums]
7
00:00:51,785 --> 00:00:53,215
Oh, [bleep] me, I hate it.
8
00:00:53,253 --> 00:00:54,523
I hate it.
9
00:00:54,554 --> 00:00:56,764
It's my lips.
Oh! I have thin lips.
10
00:00:56,790 --> 00:01:00,030
If you have thin lips,
you need a mustache.
11
00:01:00,060 --> 00:01:01,160
Hmm.
12
00:01:01,194 --> 00:01:02,694
Uh, oh.
13
00:01:02,729 --> 00:01:04,499
Well, these sideburns
aren't helping.
14
00:01:04,531 --> 00:01:06,731
They draw the eye
right to my ugly thin lips.
15
00:01:06,766 --> 00:01:08,766
Okay. Mmm. [hums]
16
00:01:16,143 --> 00:01:17,383
Oh, hello, moon pie.
17
00:01:17,410 --> 00:01:19,880
Jesus Christ,
that is a fat face.
18
00:01:19,913 --> 00:01:22,083
[bleeping].
19
00:01:22,115 --> 00:01:23,515
I wanted to look like
Matt Bomer,
20
00:01:23,550 --> 00:01:25,180
and now I look
like Matt Bomer's fat friend.
21
00:01:25,218 --> 00:01:28,318
Okay, Marquess, stop,
Marquess, stop.
22
00:01:28,355 --> 00:01:30,455
Don't panic. It's just balance.
23
00:01:30,490 --> 00:01:31,660
It's playing around
with balance.
24
00:01:31,691 --> 00:01:33,491
Right now my face
is out of balance
25
00:01:33,527 --> 00:01:35,227
because the only hair
is right here...
26
00:01:35,262 --> 00:01:37,402
Okay? So we'll simply
27
00:01:37,430 --> 00:01:39,460
do some tweezing...
28
00:01:39,499 --> 00:01:42,729
to make the face
more pleasing.
29
00:01:45,438 --> 00:01:48,338
Oh! Oh, well,
hello, Matt Bomer.
30
00:01:48,375 --> 00:01:49,705
[Deezy gasps]
31
00:01:49,743 --> 00:01:50,843
Oh, I'm sorry, ma'am.
32
00:01:50,877 --> 00:01:52,877
-[screams]
-[Deezy] I didn't see anything.
33
00:01:52,913 --> 00:01:55,213
Michael! Why is Deezy--
34
00:01:55,248 --> 00:01:56,648
Whoa, Marquess!
35
00:01:56,683 --> 00:01:59,523
You look just like
Matt Bomer's fat friend.
36
00:01:59,553 --> 00:02:01,423
I met him at a charity event.
37
00:02:01,454 --> 00:02:03,194
I don't remember
his name because
38
00:02:03,223 --> 00:02:05,293
all I was thinking
is how much better
39
00:02:05,325 --> 00:02:07,185
he would look
with a mustache,
40
00:02:07,227 --> 00:02:09,357
sideburns and thicker eyebrows.
41
00:02:10,497 --> 00:02:12,557
[screams] Jesus Christ,
42
00:02:12,599 --> 00:02:15,069
I thought you were
Joan Crawford for a second.
43
00:02:15,101 --> 00:02:16,431
Or fat sister.
44
00:02:16,469 --> 00:02:19,669
Okay, can we please take
the focus off of me
45
00:02:19,706 --> 00:02:22,206
for one second
and someone explain why
46
00:02:22,242 --> 00:02:23,912
Deezy is on a ladder
47
00:02:23,944 --> 00:02:25,444
outside my bathroom window?
48
00:02:25,478 --> 00:02:27,148
He's putting up
Christmas lights.
49
00:02:27,180 --> 00:02:28,880
He can't be living here
for free.
50
00:02:28,915 --> 00:02:30,375
Mother[bleep]'s gotta work.
51
00:02:30,417 --> 00:02:32,447
Hey, everyone,
we've got a new mystery.
52
00:02:32,485 --> 00:02:34,215
"Dear Mike Tyson
Mystery Team,
53
00:02:34,254 --> 00:02:36,424
my father has lost
the will to live
54
00:02:36,456 --> 00:02:38,716
and decided he wants
to end his life.
55
00:02:38,758 --> 00:02:40,458
Will you help me
get him to Oregon,
56
00:02:40,493 --> 00:02:43,133
where physician-assisted
suicide is legal?
57
00:02:43,163 --> 00:02:45,233
Yours, Barbara Dudley."
58
00:02:45,265 --> 00:02:47,965
Oh, my God,
this is so tragi--
59
00:02:48,001 --> 00:02:49,501
Oh... Oh...
60
00:02:49,536 --> 00:02:52,666
-Uh... just say it.
-Oh.
61
00:02:52,706 --> 00:02:54,236
-Uh... What?
-Just say it.
62
00:02:54,274 --> 00:02:55,374
I look terrible.
63
00:02:55,408 --> 00:02:56,938
-I look terrible.
-No, no, no,
64
00:02:56,977 --> 00:03:00,247
you, you, you look...
you know, different.
65
00:03:00,280 --> 00:03:02,710
"Different" fat?
"Different" ugly?
66
00:03:02,749 --> 00:03:06,649
No, no,
I think you look very...
67
00:03:08,221 --> 00:03:09,491
To the mystery mobile.
68
00:03:09,522 --> 00:03:11,262
Okay, well, that's not obvious.
69
00:03:11,291 --> 00:03:12,891
[Pigeon chuckles]
70
00:03:15,929 --> 00:03:18,599
Hey, check it out.
I got this new backup camera.
71
00:03:18,632 --> 00:03:21,802
I got it on Cyber Monday
for 70% off.
72
00:03:21,835 --> 00:03:22,995
I don't use it though.
73
00:03:23,036 --> 00:03:24,396
Then why did you get it?
74
00:03:24,437 --> 00:03:27,337
70% off! I also bought
a pair of women's shoes.
75
00:03:27,374 --> 00:03:29,814
If anyone is
a women's size 11
76
00:03:29,843 --> 00:03:31,913
and likes
an open-toed stiletto,
77
00:03:31,945 --> 00:03:32,975
they're in the back.
78
00:03:34,547 --> 00:03:36,677
[yelping] Oh, damn!
79
00:03:36,716 --> 00:03:37,676
Mike!
80
00:03:37,717 --> 00:03:40,117
Team!
Don't leave me hanging!
81
00:03:40,153 --> 00:03:41,353
Literally!
82
00:03:45,625 --> 00:03:48,155
Oh, [bleep] me.
Kill me now.
83
00:03:48,194 --> 00:03:49,664
I just stepped in dog shit.
84
00:03:49,696 --> 00:03:52,156
[bleep] my life,
no one has it worse than me.
85
00:03:52,198 --> 00:03:54,768
[groaning]
86
00:03:56,803 --> 00:04:00,113
No, you're right, Marquess,
no one has it worse than you.
87
00:04:00,140 --> 00:04:01,440
I am truly sorry.
88
00:04:01,474 --> 00:04:02,744
And now you have to listen to
89
00:04:02,776 --> 00:04:05,236
this old dying woman
crying in pain.
90
00:04:05,278 --> 00:04:08,608
-[ambulance siren wailing]
-Now where am I gonna get
another pair of shoes?
91
00:04:10,617 --> 00:04:12,617
The prescription is under
George Dudley,
92
00:04:12,652 --> 00:04:13,992
it's to help him sleep.
93
00:04:18,625 --> 00:04:20,455
Thank you so much for coming.
94
00:04:20,493 --> 00:04:23,533
My father's been living here
for a little over a year.
95
00:04:23,563 --> 00:04:25,703
We moved him in
when my mother died,
96
00:04:25,732 --> 00:04:27,502
and his health
declined rapidly.
97
00:04:27,534 --> 00:04:30,904
And now he's starting
to show signs of dementia,
98
00:04:30,937 --> 00:04:34,207
but I truly think
it's his heart that's broken.
99
00:04:34,240 --> 00:04:35,640
She was his everything.
100
00:04:35,675 --> 00:04:38,375
That's so sad.
So you want me to murder him?
101
00:04:38,411 --> 00:04:41,081
Like punch him as hard
as I can in the face?
102
00:04:41,114 --> 00:04:42,984
Or do you want something
more gory
103
00:04:43,016 --> 00:04:44,576
like a knife attack?
104
00:04:44,617 --> 00:04:47,587
Or this is a cartoon,
so I could drop a anvil on him.
105
00:04:47,620 --> 00:04:49,350
They say in animation
106
00:04:49,389 --> 00:04:51,789
you're only limited
to your imagination.
107
00:04:51,825 --> 00:04:52,985
What? No.
108
00:04:53,026 --> 00:04:55,726
He wants to die
as peacefully as possible.
109
00:04:55,762 --> 00:04:57,532
That's why we need
to get him to Oregon,
110
00:04:57,564 --> 00:04:59,704
so a doctor
can perform euthanasia.
111
00:04:59,733 --> 00:05:02,573
"Youth in Asia"?
So you want Yung to do it?
112
00:05:02,602 --> 00:05:04,072
Karate chop him to death?
113
00:05:04,104 --> 00:05:05,474
Dad!
114
00:05:05,505 --> 00:05:07,365
Um, why don't you take us
to meet your father?
115
00:05:09,743 --> 00:05:12,383
Dad, these are
the people that are gonna
116
00:05:12,412 --> 00:05:13,752
take you to Oregon.
117
00:05:13,780 --> 00:05:16,210
I just couldn't bear
to take him myself,
118
00:05:16,249 --> 00:05:17,549
you understand.
119
00:05:17,584 --> 00:05:19,124
Of course I understand.
120
00:05:19,152 --> 00:05:22,092
You said, "I just couldn't bear
to take him myself."
121
00:05:22,122 --> 00:05:23,192
And you said it in English,
122
00:05:23,223 --> 00:05:24,693
slowly and clearly.
123
00:05:28,762 --> 00:05:31,802
Excuse me. I'm looking for
a Mr. Dudley?
124
00:05:31,831 --> 00:05:33,571
Can you tell me
where his room is?
125
00:05:33,600 --> 00:05:36,740
Oh. George Dudley. Room 151.
126
00:05:36,770 --> 00:05:38,370
And you might want
to take off your hat,
127
00:05:38,405 --> 00:05:39,865
we have a lot of veterans
here.
128
00:05:39,906 --> 00:05:41,466
Oh, of course.
129
00:05:43,476 --> 00:05:46,076
Ugh, oh my, hat head.
130
00:05:46,112 --> 00:05:47,452
Would you like a candy cane?
131
00:05:47,480 --> 00:05:48,880
It is Christmas time,
after all.
132
00:05:48,915 --> 00:05:52,645
Oh, [chuckles]
I shouldn't, but I will.
133
00:05:52,685 --> 00:05:55,485
Huh. Hmm, ooh! Hmm.
134
00:05:59,793 --> 00:06:02,333
Dad, which jacket do you want?
135
00:06:02,362 --> 00:06:04,662
I want to be with Lillian.
136
00:06:04,697 --> 00:06:07,197
Lillian was my mother,
you understand.
137
00:06:07,233 --> 00:06:08,473
Yes, I understand,
138
00:06:08,501 --> 00:06:09,871
and this is getting
condescending.
139
00:06:09,903 --> 00:06:11,543
-[door opens]
-[Marquess sucking]
140
00:06:12,238 --> 00:06:13,938
Hi. Sorry I'm late.
141
00:06:13,973 --> 00:06:17,243
You must be Barbara...
And you must be George.
142
00:06:17,277 --> 00:06:19,037
-My name is--
-Lillian?
143
00:06:24,250 --> 00:06:25,480
Um, I'm sorry?
144
00:06:25,518 --> 00:06:29,048
Lilian! You're back!
I missed you!
145
00:06:29,088 --> 00:06:31,058
Daddy, give us a second.
146
00:06:32,091 --> 00:06:33,891
Wait! Lilian!
147
00:06:34,861 --> 00:06:36,901
[groans]
148
00:06:36,930 --> 00:06:40,630
My God, you really
do look just like my mother.
149
00:06:40,667 --> 00:06:43,097
Your mother looked just like
Matt Bomer's fat friend?
150
00:06:43,136 --> 00:06:46,436
I think you could bring back
Dad's will to live.
151
00:06:46,473 --> 00:06:47,673
What are you asking?
152
00:06:47,707 --> 00:06:49,707
She wants you to pretend
to be her mother
153
00:06:49,742 --> 00:06:52,282
so that her father,
whose name is Lillian,
154
00:06:52,312 --> 00:06:53,812
won't want to move to Oregon.
155
00:06:53,847 --> 00:06:56,207
At least that's what
I understood so far.
156
00:06:56,249 --> 00:06:58,019
-Right?
-Close.
157
00:06:58,051 --> 00:07:00,351
Please. Would you just...
158
00:07:00,386 --> 00:07:01,986
spend a little time with him?
159
00:07:02,021 --> 00:07:04,021
Uh... To what end?
160
00:07:04,057 --> 00:07:07,157
[Pigeon] Probably
your rear end.
161
00:07:07,193 --> 00:07:08,433
Or your mouth.
162
00:07:13,066 --> 00:07:14,196
Hmm.
163
00:07:15,635 --> 00:07:17,765
I can't believe you're back.
164
00:07:17,804 --> 00:07:20,574
Look at that beautiful
Roman nose.
165
00:07:20,607 --> 00:07:22,767
You were always insecure
about it
166
00:07:22,809 --> 00:07:25,379
but I think it's your most
beautiful feature.
167
00:07:25,411 --> 00:07:26,811
Mmm, mm-kay.
168
00:07:26,846 --> 00:07:29,006
Are those the shoes
I bought you?
169
00:07:29,048 --> 00:07:30,618
Um--
170
00:07:30,650 --> 00:07:33,620
I've always loved you
in an open-toed heel.
171
00:07:33,653 --> 00:07:35,123
May I touch your feet?
172
00:07:35,154 --> 00:07:36,594
You know I'd rather--
173
00:07:36,623 --> 00:07:38,223
Oh, my God. Oh, dear...
174
00:07:38,258 --> 00:07:40,428
[grunting]
175
00:07:40,460 --> 00:07:43,730
[exclaiming]
176
00:07:43,763 --> 00:07:46,633
Yep, he's a real Rex Ryan, huh?
177
00:07:46,666 --> 00:07:48,366
So, should we hit the road?
178
00:07:48,401 --> 00:07:50,201
Get our fannies to Oregon?
179
00:07:50,236 --> 00:07:53,096
He doesn't look like he wants
to go to Oregon anymore.
180
00:07:53,139 --> 00:07:54,409
Well, that sucks.
181
00:07:54,440 --> 00:07:55,840
Pardon me?
182
00:07:55,875 --> 00:07:58,135
Are you a basketball player?
183
00:07:58,177 --> 00:07:59,737
Why? Because I'm black?
184
00:08:00,547 --> 00:08:01,607
Yes.
185
00:08:01,648 --> 00:08:03,178
I'm Mike Tyson.
186
00:08:03,216 --> 00:08:04,976
Oh, the mystery solver.
187
00:08:05,018 --> 00:08:07,418
Well most people know me
from boxing.
188
00:08:07,453 --> 00:08:10,193
I have a mystery.
May I join you?
189
00:08:10,223 --> 00:08:11,593
Here take my seat.
190
00:08:11,624 --> 00:08:13,224
I just read in
this senior citizen magazine
191
00:08:13,259 --> 00:08:16,629
that you should stand or stroll
for one or two minutes
192
00:08:16,663 --> 00:08:18,533
at least once an hour.
193
00:08:18,565 --> 00:08:21,725
[grunts] Thank you,
my knees ache.
194
00:08:21,768 --> 00:08:23,868
I just had them both replaced.
195
00:08:23,903 --> 00:08:26,343
You know what?
Standing is boring.
196
00:08:26,372 --> 00:08:27,512
Let's stroll.
197
00:08:27,540 --> 00:08:28,910
[groans]
198
00:08:28,942 --> 00:08:31,382
[grunting]
199
00:08:31,411 --> 00:08:33,141
I was in love with a woman
200
00:08:33,179 --> 00:08:35,479
but she was married
to another man.
201
00:08:35,515 --> 00:08:39,815
Once a year
we would clandestinely meet
for a night of passion.
202
00:08:39,852 --> 00:08:42,592
We met like this for 43 years.
203
00:08:42,622 --> 00:08:44,692
But last year
she didn't come...
204
00:08:44,724 --> 00:08:47,864
Well, now, the clitoris
can be a finicky fellow.
205
00:08:47,894 --> 00:08:49,564
-Did you happen to try--
-Pigeon!
206
00:08:49,596 --> 00:08:51,156
What was her name?
207
00:08:51,197 --> 00:08:52,997
Lilian!
208
00:08:53,032 --> 00:08:55,132
How do you know my wife, Paul?
209
00:08:55,168 --> 00:08:56,528
Your wife?
210
00:08:56,569 --> 00:08:57,939
Lilian?
211
00:08:57,971 --> 00:09:01,241
This is the man you
wouldn't leave for me?
212
00:09:01,274 --> 00:09:03,144
Lilian? What's going on?
213
00:09:03,176 --> 00:09:05,236
[stammers] I...
I really couldn't tell you.
214
00:09:05,278 --> 00:09:06,778
Tell me the truth, Lillian!
215
00:09:06,813 --> 00:09:09,583
Every year when you said
you were visiting your sister,
216
00:09:09,616 --> 00:09:11,476
were you [bleep] Paul Gillman?
217
00:09:11,517 --> 00:09:13,687
But, I, [stammers]
oh, I, uh...
218
00:09:13,720 --> 00:09:14,850
Dad you don't understand--
219
00:09:14,887 --> 00:09:16,887
You deceitful whore!
220
00:09:16,923 --> 00:09:18,693
-[choking]
-Dad, stop!
221
00:09:18,725 --> 00:09:21,825
[grunting]
222
00:09:21,861 --> 00:09:23,701
Dad, do something!
223
00:09:23,730 --> 00:09:26,530
No, Yung, it's best
not to get involved
in a lover's quarrel.
224
00:09:26,566 --> 00:09:28,166
You just make it worse.
225
00:09:28,201 --> 00:09:30,071
[choking]
226
00:09:33,806 --> 00:09:36,206
[screaming]
227
00:09:37,744 --> 00:09:39,284
Oh God, Daddy!
228
00:09:39,312 --> 00:09:40,982
Well, team,
229
00:09:41,014 --> 00:09:42,484
-it looks like we solved
two mysteries in one.
-[sobbing]
230
00:09:42,515 --> 00:09:45,845
Your father died peacefully,
just like he wanted.
231
00:09:45,885 --> 00:09:47,245
And we found your Lillian.
232
00:09:47,286 --> 00:09:50,016
And now you two
can be together forever.
233
00:09:50,056 --> 00:09:52,816
Now let's get our fannies
to Oregon!
234
00:09:52,859 --> 00:09:55,759
Merry Christmas, everybody!
235
00:09:56,596 --> 00:09:59,296
[wailing loudly]
236
00:09:59,332 --> 00:10:01,172
They gotta be home soon.
237
00:10:01,200 --> 00:10:03,700
Just gotta hang on
a little longer.
238
00:10:03,736 --> 00:10:05,466
Come on, you can do it, Deezy.
239
00:10:05,505 --> 00:10:06,865
You pray.
240
00:10:07,440 --> 00:10:09,270
[panting shakily]
241
00:10:09,308 --> 00:10:10,238
Mike...
242
00:10:11,244 --> 00:10:12,284
Mike!
243
00:10:13,713 --> 00:10:16,183
Come on, Deezy,
hang in there.
244
00:10:16,215 --> 00:10:17,315
Do it for Furley.
245
00:10:18,017 --> 00:10:19,417
Hang on.
246
00:10:19,452 --> 00:10:21,122
You got this, man.
247
00:10:21,154 --> 00:10:24,224
Come on.
We got a lot to live for.
248
00:10:24,257 --> 00:10:26,617
We not done yet.
He not done with us.
249
00:10:26,659 --> 00:10:27,959
He not done.
250
00:10:28,428 --> 00:10:29,758
Hang on.
251
00:10:29,796 --> 00:10:31,526
Just a little longer.
252
00:10:31,564 --> 00:10:32,834
Come on, Mike.
253
00:10:32,865 --> 00:10:34,625
I know you hear my prayers.
254
00:10:34,667 --> 00:10:35,867
[gasps] Mike.
255
00:10:36,335 --> 00:10:37,465
Yung!
256
00:10:37,503 --> 00:10:39,143
[animal howling]
257
00:10:39,172 --> 00:10:41,112
Oh, Lord, Pigeon,
I'm beggin'.
I'm calling out to you.
258
00:10:41,974 --> 00:10:43,014
Hang on.
259
00:10:43,576 --> 00:10:44,906
Hang on.
260
00:10:44,944 --> 00:10:46,844
-[girl] Santa!
-Hey, little girl.
261
00:10:46,879 --> 00:10:48,879
-Santa Claus!
-Hey, it's Deezy.
262
00:10:48,915 --> 00:10:50,915
Look, look, Becky,
how you doin'?
263
00:10:51,617 --> 00:10:52,917
Call somebody.
264
00:10:52,952 --> 00:10:55,792
[girl] Uh, are you coming
to my house next?
265
00:10:55,822 --> 00:10:58,362
No, no... not if I die.
266
00:10:58,391 --> 00:10:59,961
Look, call somebody.
267
00:10:59,992 --> 00:11:02,392
[girl] Do you want milk
and cookies, Santa?
268
00:11:02,428 --> 00:11:05,528
No, I need a fireman
or a police officer.
269
00:11:05,565 --> 00:11:07,525
[girl] What'd you get me,
Santa?
270
00:11:07,567 --> 00:11:09,327
Little Becky.
271
00:11:09,368 --> 00:11:10,598
Call somebody!
272
00:11:10,636 --> 00:11:12,566
[girl] Why are
you wearing makeup?
273
00:11:12,605 --> 00:11:14,335
It's not make up.
274
00:11:14,373 --> 00:11:15,343
[sobbing]
18640
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