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[theme music playing]
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[tires screech]
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[announcer speaking
Spanish over PA]
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00:00:42,476 --> 00:00:44,676
Welcome toSan Juan, Puerto Rico.
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00:00:44,711 --> 00:00:47,681
Okay, team, now I will read you
the mystery message
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00:00:47,714 --> 00:00:49,254
that brought us here
to San Juan.
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00:00:49,282 --> 00:00:50,922
"Dear Mike Tyson Mystery Team,
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00:00:50,951 --> 00:00:54,021
every year the swallows return
from their annual migration
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00:00:54,054 --> 00:00:58,424
to build their nests here
at the mission of
San Juan Capistrano.
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00:00:58,458 --> 00:00:59,788
But they don't
come back anymore.
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Where are the swallows?
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00:01:01,294 --> 00:01:03,934
May God bless you and keep you,
Sister Agnes."
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-San Juan Capistrano?
-That's right, dude.
14
00:01:07,134 --> 00:01:10,504
So, what are we doing
in San Juan, Puerto Rico?
15
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Oh, damn. Oh, double dog, damn.
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-Let me call Deezy.
-[cell phone beeps]
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-[Deezy] Hello?
-Deezy, what's up, fool?
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You got us
in the wrong San Juan.
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00:01:20,213 --> 00:01:22,153
Pigeon says
we're in Puerto Rico.
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Okay, hold up, Mike.
Lemme see what I did here.
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It looks like
I booked you on a flight
to the wrong San Juan.
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The one you're in
is in Puerto Rico.
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[Mike] Yeah,that's what Pigeon said.
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Okay, good, good.
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Okay, at least now
we're on the same page.
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You know what I bet happened?
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I bet I started to type
"San Juan,"
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and then it just
filled it in for me.
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You know, that smart type.
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Mmm-hmm. Yeah, yeah.
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Yeah, sure enough you have to
put in "Capistrano."
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Okay, that's my bad, Mike.
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I'm sorry for
the inconvenience.
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[Mike] Oh, no inconvenienceat all, Deezy.
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I would've done the same thingwith that smart type.
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[Marquess] Michael,what is going on?
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00:01:52,345 --> 00:01:54,005
[Mike] Well they call it"smart type"
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but it can lead youto make a dumb mistake.
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00:01:56,416 --> 00:01:58,816
That's interesting. That'd begood for a stand-up comedianto talk about.
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00:01:58,852 --> 00:02:01,092
Mmm-hmm. Now it looks like
there are no direct flights
41
00:02:01,121 --> 00:02:03,721
from San Juan Puerto Rico
to San Juan Capistrano.
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00:02:03,757 --> 00:02:06,527
-[Mike] I think Deezy sayswe gotta live here forever.
-[Yung Hee and Marquess] What?
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00:02:06,560 --> 00:02:08,330
Oh, no, no, no, Mike.
44
00:02:08,361 --> 00:02:10,401
I just don't want you
to have to have
a layover somewhere.
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00:02:10,430 --> 00:02:12,330
[Mike] Deezy is saying
he thinks he has to
lay off some of you.
46
00:02:12,365 --> 00:02:13,665
No, Mike.
47
00:02:13,700 --> 00:02:15,070
Here's what I...
Here's what I'm gonna do.
48
00:02:15,101 --> 00:02:17,171
I'm gonna book you
on a private charter flight
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00:02:17,204 --> 00:02:19,304
with direct service
to San Juan Capistrano.
50
00:02:19,339 --> 00:02:21,939
Now, costs a little bit extra,
but you're worth it.
51
00:02:21,975 --> 00:02:23,935
And this is on me
because this was my bad.
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[Mike] Don't beatyourself up, Deezy.
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00:02:25,979 --> 00:02:28,049
Mmm, my credit card
was declined.
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00:02:28,081 --> 00:02:30,551
But don't worry,
I got your credit card
right here.
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00:02:32,519 --> 00:02:37,019
Oh! Ah, I mean,
this is the life.
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00:02:37,057 --> 00:02:38,317
[chuckles]
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00:02:38,358 --> 00:02:40,788
Now, just between you and me
and the bumblebees,
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00:02:40,827 --> 00:02:43,197
I thought when I got involved
with your father,
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there would be a lot more
of this, you know?
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00:02:45,865 --> 00:02:49,165
Like champagne and caviar,
not that dirty van.
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00:02:49,202 --> 00:02:51,242
And even that house.
I mean, come on,
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00:02:51,271 --> 00:02:55,071
it's a three bedroom,
one-and-half bath
in a subdivision in Vegas.
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00:02:55,108 --> 00:02:57,938
Hello?
Where is the [bleep] money?
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00:02:57,978 --> 00:03:00,278
Well, most of it's
in a trust fund for me.
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00:03:00,313 --> 00:03:01,683
I get it when I turn 21.
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00:03:01,715 --> 00:03:03,675
What? How much?
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00:03:03,717 --> 00:03:05,717
Mmm, it's like, $500 million.
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00:03:05,752 --> 00:03:07,452
Are you effing kidding me?
69
00:03:07,487 --> 00:03:11,587
-No, I think it's like,
$530 million.
-[Marquess groans]
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00:03:11,625 --> 00:03:14,125
[inhales sharply]
Oh, I just had an orgasm.
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00:03:14,160 --> 00:03:17,160
Okay, I have to know.
What is the first thing
you're gonna buy?
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00:03:17,197 --> 00:03:19,257
Diamonds? New tits?
Diamond tits?
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00:03:19,299 --> 00:03:21,729
Uh, no, I'm not gonna
buy anything.
I'm just gonna save it.
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00:03:21,768 --> 00:03:24,068
Oh, my God. Really?
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00:03:24,104 --> 00:03:25,844
So we're just gonna
stay in that house,
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00:03:25,872 --> 00:03:27,412
driving around
in that shitty van?
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00:03:27,440 --> 00:03:29,940
I mean, kill me. You know?
Just kill me now.
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00:03:29,976 --> 00:03:32,076
-[rumbling]
-[all screaming]
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00:03:32,746 --> 00:03:34,546
[all exclaiming]
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00:03:34,581 --> 00:03:36,011
What the [bleep] is happening?
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00:03:38,652 --> 00:03:41,022
-Is everything okay?
-I'm afraid not.
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-[alarm blaring]
-The plane is
completely unresponsive.
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The instruments
have gone crazy.
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00:03:44,791 --> 00:03:46,461
It's the Bermuda Triangle.
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We're being sucked into
the Bermuda Triangle.
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They say it's a legend.
It's no legend.
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00:03:52,365 --> 00:03:53,425
I'm sorry.
88
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Where are the other parachutes?
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00:03:55,068 --> 00:03:56,838
There are no other parachutes.
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00:03:56,870 --> 00:03:59,840
Of course, if the US
had voted to make
Puerto Rico a state,
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00:03:59,873 --> 00:04:01,913
we would have to abide by
FAA regulations.
92
00:04:01,941 --> 00:04:04,311
But you said,
"No, be a territory."
93
00:04:04,344 --> 00:04:07,014
So, you know,
this one's on you guys.
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00:04:08,014 --> 00:04:09,584
As we say in Puerto Rico,
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"Hasta la vista, baby!"
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[screams]
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[alarm blaring]
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00:04:19,326 --> 00:04:20,926
[all screaming]
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[gasps]
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[Marquess] Yung?
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00:04:41,715 --> 00:04:44,145
Hey, guys!
Are we in heaven, Marquess?
102
00:04:44,184 --> 00:04:46,924
Okay, ugh, no.
This is definitely not heaven.
103
00:04:46,953 --> 00:04:49,393
Heaven is crowded as
a mother [bleep].
104
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And it's dark.
105
00:04:51,124 --> 00:04:52,894
Everyone thinks it's gonna be
white clouds and pearly gates,
106
00:04:52,926 --> 00:04:56,556
but let me tell you,
it is a dump and a shitshow.
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[woman] Welcome.
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Please, follow me.
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The Commodore
would like to see you.
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[Marquess]
Wait, where's Pigeon?
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[woman] Oh,
he's going through processing.
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00:05:09,943 --> 00:05:13,883
[Marquess] Oh, that's cute,
for the Bermuda Triangle.
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It's the KRC Triangle.
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00:05:16,249 --> 00:05:19,679
KFC? Mmm, that sounds good.
I'm hungry.
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00:05:19,719 --> 00:05:21,319
No, K-R-C.
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It stands for "Knowledge,
Responsibility and Control."
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And buttermilk biscuits.
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The five-dollar meal.
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Original recipe
or extra crispy.
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Finger lickin' good!
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Open that door,
I wanna meet the Colonel.
122
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Um, the Commodore.
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Ah, welcome, welcome.
124
00:05:41,408 --> 00:05:43,138
Please, have a seat.
125
00:05:43,176 --> 00:05:48,376
I'm L. Ron Hubbard,
founder of Scientology.
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I thought you died.
127
00:05:49,682 --> 00:05:52,852
No, young fellow,
I just came here.
128
00:05:52,886 --> 00:05:55,586
I'm sure
you have many questions.
129
00:05:55,622 --> 00:05:57,662
Allow me to answer them all.
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00:05:57,690 --> 00:06:00,460
Let's start at the beginning.
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Why does man exist?
132
00:06:02,762 --> 00:06:05,602
The answer,
why should he not exist?
133
00:06:05,632 --> 00:06:07,902
Or to be more precise,
134
00:06:07,934 --> 00:06:10,274
is the point of man to exist?
135
00:06:10,303 --> 00:06:12,703
Or to be more,
you know, precise,
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00:06:12,739 --> 00:06:14,609
what are
the 11 herbs and spices?
137
00:06:14,641 --> 00:06:18,411
To answer that,
we must first talk about Xenu.
138
00:06:18,445 --> 00:06:21,375
Also referred to as Xemu.
139
00:06:21,414 --> 00:06:25,854
He was the alien dictator
of the galactic confederacy.
140
00:06:25,885 --> 00:06:29,815
Xenu or Xemu,
some people say Xemu--
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00:06:29,856 --> 00:06:33,256
Some people say KFC,
some people say
Kentucky Fried Chicken,
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00:06:33,293 --> 00:06:36,563
I don't really have an opinion,
but KFC is faster.
143
00:06:36,596 --> 00:06:38,426
Ah, but we mustn't lose sight
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00:06:38,465 --> 00:06:42,695
of the fact that Scientology
is the study of knowingness.
145
00:06:42,735 --> 00:06:45,235
It increases one's knowingness.
146
00:06:45,271 --> 00:06:47,711
I want to have knowingness
of the secret recipe.
147
00:06:47,740 --> 00:06:49,510
I promise I won't tell anyone.
148
00:06:49,542 --> 00:06:50,912
Clams.
149
00:06:50,944 --> 00:06:53,044
I knew it!
That's all that taste is,
clams!
150
00:06:53,079 --> 00:06:55,879
And as they continue
their evolution
151
00:06:55,915 --> 00:06:57,875
and mastery of their own minds,
152
00:06:57,917 --> 00:07:01,547
why, they can move
in all directions
through vibrations,
153
00:07:01,588 --> 00:07:05,658
and thus ready themselves
for interplanetary travel.
154
00:07:05,692 --> 00:07:07,992
I liked it when
Norm MacDonald played you.
155
00:07:08,027 --> 00:07:10,397
M'kay. Okay,
so we're gonna go.
156
00:07:10,430 --> 00:07:14,030
Well, you can't go.
You see, no one goes.
157
00:07:14,067 --> 00:07:16,937
No one leaves
the Bermuda Triangle,
158
00:07:16,970 --> 00:07:19,370
or the Church of Scientology.
159
00:07:19,405 --> 00:07:23,735
That's why we made this
our flagship location.
160
00:07:23,776 --> 00:07:25,336
[laughing]
161
00:07:26,779 --> 00:07:27,979
[door opens]
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00:07:28,715 --> 00:07:30,075
He's clear.
163
00:07:30,116 --> 00:07:31,746
Pigeon, are you okay?
What did they do to you?
164
00:07:31,784 --> 00:07:34,724
Oh, well, they hooked me up
to this little fake machine,
165
00:07:34,754 --> 00:07:37,464
and then they asked me
a bunch of personal questions.
166
00:07:37,490 --> 00:07:39,090
And I spilled my guts,
167
00:07:39,125 --> 00:07:41,855
so now if I ever leave,
they'll tell everybody
I'm secretly gay.
168
00:07:41,895 --> 00:07:43,255
So I can never leave.
169
00:07:43,296 --> 00:07:45,526
But on the other hand,
I do feel better.
170
00:07:45,565 --> 00:07:46,895
I feel clear.
171
00:07:46,933 --> 00:07:48,633
Just like they kept saying
I would.
172
00:07:48,668 --> 00:07:51,468
Now, let's get
the rest of them processed.
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00:07:55,475 --> 00:07:58,805
Oh, Marjorie, before we process
our new friends,
174
00:07:58,845 --> 00:08:00,975
why don't we go feed the birds?
175
00:08:01,014 --> 00:08:03,454
They give me such joy.
176
00:08:06,886 --> 00:08:08,386
[Yung Hee] Are those swallows?
177
00:08:08,421 --> 00:08:11,721
Some time ago, they got
sucked into the Triangle.
178
00:08:11,758 --> 00:08:15,128
Perhaps global warming
caused the trade winds
179
00:08:15,161 --> 00:08:16,631
to alter their course.
180
00:08:16,663 --> 00:08:20,303
[laughs] But perhaps,
something deep inside them
181
00:08:20,333 --> 00:08:24,203
wanted to know more about
who they really were.
182
00:08:24,237 --> 00:08:28,767
They've all been processed
and are clear.
183
00:08:28,808 --> 00:08:31,578
These are the swallows
of San Juan Capistrano.
184
00:08:31,611 --> 00:08:33,851
-That's the mystery we were
supposed to be solving.
-[gasps]
185
00:08:33,880 --> 00:08:36,680
The swallows were sucked into
the Bermuda Triangle
186
00:08:36,716 --> 00:08:38,016
just like us.
187
00:08:38,051 --> 00:08:39,981
Now we have to figure out
how to get out.
188
00:08:40,019 --> 00:08:41,189
[gasps] Wait.
189
00:08:41,220 --> 00:08:43,120
What is the opposite of suck?
190
00:08:43,156 --> 00:08:44,986
-Blow.
-Yes!
191
00:08:45,024 --> 00:08:48,094
Now, I don't have it all
figured out yet,
192
00:08:48,127 --> 00:08:53,727
but, swallows, suck,
193
00:08:53,766 --> 00:08:56,596
blow, blow.
194
00:08:56,636 --> 00:08:57,966
Suck.
195
00:08:58,004 --> 00:09:01,044
Swallow, blow, suck.
196
00:09:01,074 --> 00:09:05,044
Swallow, blow.
Blow, suck, swallow.
197
00:09:05,678 --> 00:09:08,078
Swallow, blow.
198
00:09:08,781 --> 00:09:10,181
-Suck--
-Okay,
199
00:09:10,216 --> 00:09:12,716
maybe it's because
I'm so clear now,
200
00:09:12,752 --> 00:09:16,852
but you saying,
"blow," "suck," "swallow,"
is giving me an idea.
201
00:09:16,889 --> 00:09:18,719
I think what we need to do,
202
00:09:18,758 --> 00:09:21,858
is that one of us needs to
suck off L. Ron Hubbard,
203
00:09:21,894 --> 00:09:25,034
and [bleep] just [bleep]
give him a good suck job,
and then...
204
00:09:25,064 --> 00:09:29,204
And this part
won't make sense to you
because none of you are clear.
205
00:09:29,235 --> 00:09:31,935
But I can tell you
with absolute clarity
206
00:09:31,971 --> 00:09:33,911
as a high-level Scientologist,
207
00:09:33,940 --> 00:09:38,540
that we will end up
in San Juan Capistrano
with all these dumb birds.
208
00:09:38,578 --> 00:09:40,248
[laughing]
209
00:09:43,282 --> 00:09:45,252
[swallows chirping]
210
00:09:53,593 --> 00:09:56,093
[Sister Agnes]
Oh, sisters, look,
211
00:09:56,129 --> 00:09:58,659
the swallows have returned.
212
00:10:06,005 --> 00:10:08,665
I'm so sorry
for what you all endured.
213
00:10:08,708 --> 00:10:11,808
Being preached
a made-up religion,
214
00:10:11,844 --> 00:10:14,014
full of fanciful stories,
215
00:10:14,047 --> 00:10:18,847
designed to take advantage
of the gullible
and get their money...
216
00:10:18,885 --> 00:10:21,945
Oh, shameful.
217
00:10:21,988 --> 00:10:23,818
Care to give to the Church?
218
00:10:23,856 --> 00:10:25,486
After all,
219
00:10:25,525 --> 00:10:30,225
Jesus who walked on water
and turned water into wine,
220
00:10:30,263 --> 00:10:33,973
gave his life
to provide the way to heaven,
221
00:10:34,000 --> 00:10:37,540
a magical, fanciful place
in the sky,
222
00:10:37,570 --> 00:10:40,340
where we shall live
among the angels!
223
00:10:40,373 --> 00:10:42,573
[theme music playing]
17074
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