Original subtitles

[theme music playing]

[moaning, sighing]

I love you, Josephine Monahan.

I love you too, Clayton MacGovern.

-[sighs] I want to be with you. -You're with me right now.

No, not just sneaking around in a barn at night.

You know that can't be.

Neither of our families would allow it.

Then run away with me! To hell with our families!

Shh, shh!

[quads approaching]

Oh no, it's my brother, Tucker, and his stupid friend, J.D.

They're probably drunk. You gotta get out of here, Clayton.

Tucker'll shoot you dead if he catches you on our property.

Also because you just had your [bleep] inside me.

-It still is. -What are you talking about?

I'm still inside of you, pretty Josephine.

Oh.

[stammers] Well, then, you best get going.

I'll go out and distract him while you sneak out the back.

I'll see you tomorrow night.

You bet your little penis you will.

Hey, J.D., you got any more beer in that cooler?

No, Tuck, we're out. Don't you got any weed?

Yeah, I got weed, you dumbass.

I got a stash in the barn. What the--

Don't you point that at me!

Jo-Jo, what the [bleep] are you doing in the barn?

I was just riding one of the stallions.

Was the stallion's name Clayton MacGovern? [chuckles]

-Oh, shut up, J.D.! -[twig cracks]

-[gasps] -Run, Clayton!

Let's get him!

[panting]

[grunting]

"Dear Mike Tyson Mystery Team,

I'm in love with a girl, and she's in love with me.

But, unfortunately, our families have been in a feud

going back generations,

so our love cannot be.

Please help. Yours very truly, Clayton MacGovern.

P.S.: Do you know anything about how to increase penis size?

Asking for a friend."

Oh, Yung, uh, you actually do know something about increasing penis size.

-What? -Yeah, yeah.

Because I watched you shower this morning,

and you increased my penis size.

[laughs] Up-high, Marquess!

Pigeon, her father is standing right here.

Which is why I didn't say what I wanted to say,

which is that I watched her shower

and slather soap all over her naked body,

and I didn't get hard.

Not even remotely.

But I did not say that precisely,

because I didn't want to offend her father.

And I appreciate that, Pigeon.

To the Mystery Mobile!

Hey. Hey, hold up.

Mike! Hold up, team!

Where you guys going?

Wyoming. There's a family feud involving a tiny penis.

Okay, okay.

Uh, but before you take on their mystery,

which I know you'll solve because you guys are the best,

and I know I don't tell you that enough--

Oh, my God. Just get to the point.

I hear you, Yung. Economy of words.

Precision in communication.

Jesus!

Hey, [bleep] you, Pigeon! Okay, Mike.

As you know, I've been going through some tough times of late.

I've incurred massive debts and tax liabilities

that I can never hope to repay.

But, if I understand Nevada tax law correctly,

I would be shielded from this grievance

if I were "mentally disabled"

and "not someone who could take care of themselves."

I'm with you so far. Go on.

Okay, okay. So, in this scenario,

you would be my caregiver, and the Mike Tyson Mystery team

would now be a "daycare center."

Hmm, I like that.

Okay, good, good. So an inspector will come out to the house

and make sure we have [bleep] like outer protectors,

bumpers around any sharp corners,

a gate in front of the stairs, etcetera.

And I will handle all of that.

I can't thank you enough, Deezy.

Unfortunately, the state does require

that all daycare providers take a CPR certification class.

You know, in case, God forbid, I choke on a hot dog or a marble.

Oh, God, don't even say such a thing, Deezy.

I'm going to run, not walk, to that CPR class.

Michael, this is silly.

Get in the van!

I wish I could, Marquess,

but man, like I said, I'm gonna run, not walk.

I wish I had said I was gonna drive, not walk,

but I didn't, and I'm a man to my word.

So, are we still going to Wyoming, or...

What is happening?

[honking]

[Marquess] I feel so bad for this Clayton boy.

When families don't support their children in matters of the heart...

I-- I mean, you love who you love, and...

[sighs] I'm just, um...

Feeling lots of feelings, and, uh...

Really? Really.

No one cares.

Oh, I'm sorry, I was listening to music.

Oh, I'm sorry, I was listening to you.

I don't care what you're feeling.

[stammers] Look, I didn't support my son, Bosie,

when he fell in love with Oscar Wilde

and I'll be damned if I allow these parents

to make the same mistake I did. I just...

So much guilt, so much shame.

[stammers] I'm sorry, Marquess. I am really sorry.

Maybe I wasn't clear when I said

I don't care what you're feeling,

I should have just said, "Stop talking!"

Guess who's certified in CPR, bitches?

I'm sorry, Yung, I didn't mean to call you a bitch.

But sometimes, you can be a bitch.

Like the first thing in the morning before you get your coffee.

Oh, Mi-- Don't you wanna drive?

No, Marquess, I'll just sit back here ready to save lives.

Buh-buh-buh-buh. You don't need your seat belts, man.

You got me.

I can bring you back to life, man.

I have the power of God. I am God.

Mm-kay.

[Mike] Drive faster, Marquess, and feel free to close your eyes.

Hey, Yung, you want to choke on a sucking candy?

Uh, no thanks.

Here, Pigeon, I learned the Heimlich maneuver.

[coughing, choking]

Okay, first thing you do in an emergency.

You look around, you make sure everything is safe.

-Dad! -[Pigeon coughing]

Then see if the victim is responsive.

Sir, sir, are you okay?

Now, here's something I did not know.

You cannot just render aid without their permission

because of legal whatnots.

Isn't that interesting?

I find that very interesting.

But that's the world we live in.

So I'm gonna ask the victim for permission.

-Sir, do I have your permission to render aid? -[choking]

What is happening?

The victim has passed out,

and he doesn't appear to be breathing.

This is called the AED machine.

It stands for... I don't know.

Here, let me look it up on my phone.

-Dad, hurry! -Oh, my God!

Ugh, I'm not getting any reception.

Oh, wait, we need to check and see

if the victim is wearing a necklace or any metal jewelry,

so we don't electrocute him.

Okay, no jewelry.

That's suprisin'. He's very flashy.

Michael!

Okay, everyone clear.

-[zapping] -[coughs]

[groans]

Are we there yet?

So why did Clayton contact you, exactly?

Is it about his tiny dick? Just so we're clear,

he didn't get that from me. He got it from his mother.

My side of the family, you mean.

'Cause I don't have a tiny dick. [panting]

What? What? I don't! [sobbing]

Take your pill, Mary Lynne.

Okay. Um, there is an additional reason your son contacted us,

but I'm sure he would prefer that we speak to him privately.

Do you know where he is?

He better be out in the south pasture deworming cattle.

But if this is about Josephine Monahan, you're wasting your time.

She and the rest of her family can go straight to hell.

May I ask a question?

I think we're all wondering,

can I have a ginger ale?

No, that's not what we're wondering,

I believe what we're all wondering

is why your two families are feuding.

Long ago, it was cattle.

Then it was oil.

Now, it's just in our blood.

Interesting,

but I think I would have enjoyed the answer more

if I would have had a cold glass of ginger ale.

Okay, Mr. and Mrs. MacGovern...

Please, call us Monty MacGovern

and Mary Lynne MacGovern.

Mm-kay. It seems longer.

Monty MacGovern and Mary Lynne MacGovern,

your son is in love.

Shouldn't that be all that matters?

Even if we were willing to end this feud,

I want Hugey Monahan to make the first move.

And good luck with that.

50 milligrams?

What is wrong with you?

There's no way in hell we're making the first move to end this feud.

Isn't that right, Hugey?

[wheezes]

That's right, Sugar.

-[all gasping] -[Marquess] Dear Lord!

Oh, my God, just like that commercial.

[wheezes] No Monahan will ever marry a MacGovern.

And anyway, Josephine is going to marry Tucker's best friend

[wheezes] J.D. Montague.

Just so you know, I'd rather die than marry J.D.

Wait, wait, Josephine!

Nobody needs to die.

I promise this will all work out.

I'll talk to your parents, I...

Josephine!

Josephine!

Where are you, my sweet Josephine?

She ain't your sweet Josephine for much longer.

We're getting married. Her parents said so.

J.D., what are you doing?

[both grunting]

-[gunshot] -Oh!

[gasps]

You shot me!

I'm dying.

Stay with him. I'll go get help.

I did want to marry a Monahan.

But not Josephine.

It was Tucker I loved.

J.D.'s dead. I killed him!

It was an accident, I swear!

I believe you, Clayton, but no one else will.

All I want is to be with Josephine.

When Tucker sees what I've done, he'll kill me!

No. Not if you're already dead.

What?

Here, here, here. Lie down next to him.

Okay, now we need a second bullet

to have been fired.

-[neighing] -Oh, shit.

Ah, well, at least it was a peaceful death.

-What is that? -Sriracha sauce.

Well, I'm doing this paleo thing.

Well, it's not totally paleo, because I drink,

I mean, I'm not not gonna drink, that's crazy.

So basically, I'm just eating boneless, skinless chicken breast

and kale, and I got so sick of it

and then my friend, Daniel...

Oh, here we go. Shit.

Here. Now, play dead.

Once everyone leaves, you'll run off

and I'll tell Josephine to meet you.

Then, you can finally be together.

[gasps] Like Romeo and Juliet. This is major.

This is so major.

Oh, no! Oh! They're both dead!

No!

These young men both dead.

Ah, so tragic!

Clayton, no!

There, there, my dear.

[whispers] He's not really dead. Come with me.

Oh, shit. This dude's still breathing.

Okay, no jewelry.

I can't thank you enough.

All right. Let's go back in there,

and remember, you're supposed to be sad.

Right.

Okay, everyone clear.

-[zapping] -[screams]

How the [bleep] did I electrocute him?

He wasn't even wearing any jewelry.

[sobs]

He has nipple rings.

We both do.

We got them as a hidden symbol of our love!

I'm coming to be with you, Clayton.

[screams]

Well, at least they both died a peaceful death.

[theme music playing]