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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,401 --> 00:00:04,001 [theme music playing] 2 00:00:04,037 --> 00:00:07,467 [moaning, sighing] 3 00:00:07,507 --> 00:00:09,437 I love you, Josephine Monahan. 4 00:00:09,476 --> 00:00:11,236 I love you too, Clayton MacGovern. 5 00:00:11,278 --> 00:00:14,248 -[sighs] I want to be with you. -You're with me right now. 6 00:00:14,281 --> 00:00:16,311 No, not just sneaking around in a barn at night. 7 00:00:16,349 --> 00:00:17,779 You know that can't be. 8 00:00:17,818 --> 00:00:19,518 Neither of our families would allow it. 9 00:00:19,553 --> 00:00:21,853 Then run away with me! To hell with our families! 10 00:00:21,888 --> 00:00:22,948 Shh, shh! 11 00:00:22,989 --> 00:00:24,889 [quads approaching] 12 00:00:24,925 --> 00:00:27,925 Oh no, it's my brother, Tucker, and his stupid friend, J.D. 13 00:00:27,961 --> 00:00:30,401 They're probably drunk. You gotta get out of here, Clayton. 14 00:00:30,430 --> 00:00:33,770 Tucker'll shoot you dead if he catches you on our property. 15 00:00:33,800 --> 00:00:36,270 Also because you just had your [bleep] inside me. 16 00:00:36,303 --> 00:00:39,003 -It still is. -What are you talking about? 17 00:00:39,039 --> 00:00:41,139 I'm still inside of you, pretty Josephine. 18 00:00:42,576 --> 00:00:43,736 Oh. 19 00:00:43,777 --> 00:00:45,607 [stammers] Well, then, you best get going. 20 00:00:45,645 --> 00:00:47,475 I'll go out and distract him while you sneak out the back. 21 00:00:47,514 --> 00:00:49,114 I'll see you tomorrow night. 22 00:00:49,149 --> 00:00:51,249 You bet your little penis you will. 23 00:00:56,423 --> 00:00:58,393 Hey, J.D., you got any more beer in that cooler? 24 00:00:58,425 --> 00:01:00,455 No, Tuck, we're out. Don't you got any weed? 25 00:01:00,494 --> 00:01:02,364 Yeah, I got weed, you dumbass. 26 00:01:02,395 --> 00:01:04,455 I got a stash in the barn. What the-- 27 00:01:04,498 --> 00:01:06,358 Don't you point that at me! 28 00:01:06,399 --> 00:01:08,199 Jo-Jo, what the [bleep] are you doing in the barn? 29 00:01:08,235 --> 00:01:10,865 I was just riding one of the stallions. 30 00:01:10,904 --> 00:01:13,674 Was the stallion's name Clayton MacGovern? [chuckles] 31 00:01:13,707 --> 00:01:16,307 -Oh, shut up, J.D.! -[twig cracks] 32 00:01:18,378 --> 00:01:20,808 -[gasps] -Run, Clayton! 33 00:01:20,847 --> 00:01:22,377 Let's get him! 34 00:01:28,955 --> 00:01:31,115 [panting] 35 00:01:34,127 --> 00:01:35,857 [grunting] 36 00:01:37,030 --> 00:01:38,560 "Dear Mike Tyson Mystery Team, 37 00:01:38,598 --> 00:01:41,068 I'm in love with a girl, and she's in love with me. 38 00:01:41,101 --> 00:01:43,501 But, unfortunately, our families have been in a feud 39 00:01:43,537 --> 00:01:44,967 going back generations, 40 00:01:45,005 --> 00:01:46,605 so our love cannot be. 41 00:01:46,640 --> 00:01:50,040 Please help. Yours very truly, Clayton MacGovern. 42 00:01:50,076 --> 00:01:54,046 P.S.: Do you know anything about how to increase penis size? 43 00:01:54,080 --> 00:01:56,080 Asking for a friend." 44 00:01:56,116 --> 00:01:59,246 Oh, Yung, uh, you actually do know something about increasing penis size. 45 00:01:59,286 --> 00:02:00,716 -What? -Yeah, yeah. 46 00:02:00,754 --> 00:02:02,494 Because I watched you shower this morning, 47 00:02:02,522 --> 00:02:05,892 and you increased my penis size. 48 00:02:05,926 --> 00:02:08,186 [laughs] Up-high, Marquess! 49 00:02:08,228 --> 00:02:11,528 Pigeon, her father is standing right here. 50 00:02:11,565 --> 00:02:14,695 Which is why I didn't say what I wanted to say, 51 00:02:14,734 --> 00:02:17,544 which is that I watched her shower 52 00:02:17,571 --> 00:02:20,371 and slather soap all over her naked body, 53 00:02:20,407 --> 00:02:22,207 and I didn't get hard. 54 00:02:22,242 --> 00:02:23,842 Not even remotely. 55 00:02:23,877 --> 00:02:25,877 But I did not say that precisely, 56 00:02:25,912 --> 00:02:28,682 because I didn't want to offend her father. 57 00:02:28,715 --> 00:02:30,875 And I appreciate that, Pigeon. 58 00:02:30,917 --> 00:02:33,047 To the Mystery Mobile! 59 00:02:33,086 --> 00:02:34,786 Hey. Hey, hold up. 60 00:02:34,821 --> 00:02:36,291 Mike! Hold up, team! 61 00:02:36,323 --> 00:02:38,023 Where you guys going? 62 00:02:38,058 --> 00:02:41,688 Wyoming. There's a family feud involving a tiny penis. 63 00:02:41,728 --> 00:02:42,958 Okay, okay. 64 00:02:42,996 --> 00:02:44,796 Uh, but before you take on their mystery, 65 00:02:44,831 --> 00:02:46,801 which I know you'll solve because you guys are the best, 66 00:02:46,833 --> 00:02:48,373 and I know I don't tell you that enough-- 67 00:02:48,401 --> 00:02:50,171 Oh, my God. Just get to the point. 68 00:02:50,203 --> 00:02:52,243 I hear you, Yung. Economy of words. 69 00:02:52,272 --> 00:02:53,572 Precision in communication. 70 00:02:53,607 --> 00:02:54,837 Jesus! 71 00:02:54,874 --> 00:02:57,044 Hey, [bleep] you, Pigeon! Okay, Mike. 72 00:02:57,077 --> 00:02:59,637 As you know, I've been going through some tough times of late. 73 00:02:59,679 --> 00:03:02,009 I've incurred massive debts and tax liabilities 74 00:03:02,048 --> 00:03:03,448 that I can never hope to repay. 75 00:03:03,483 --> 00:03:06,283 But, if I understand Nevada tax law correctly, 76 00:03:06,319 --> 00:03:08,449 I would be shielded from this grievance 77 00:03:08,488 --> 00:03:11,158 if I were "mentally disabled" 78 00:03:11,191 --> 00:03:15,091 and "not someone who could take care of themselves." 79 00:03:15,128 --> 00:03:16,698 I'm with you so far. Go on. 80 00:03:16,730 --> 00:03:19,200 Okay, okay. So, in this scenario, 81 00:03:19,232 --> 00:03:22,472 you would be my caregiver, and the Mike Tyson Mystery team 82 00:03:22,502 --> 00:03:26,072 would now be a "daycare center." 83 00:03:26,106 --> 00:03:27,836 Hmm, I like that. 84 00:03:27,874 --> 00:03:30,614 Okay, good, good. So an inspector will come out to the house 85 00:03:30,644 --> 00:03:32,814 and make sure we have [bleep] like outer protectors, 86 00:03:32,846 --> 00:03:34,706 bumpers around any sharp corners, 87 00:03:34,748 --> 00:03:36,448 a gate in front of the stairs, etcetera. 88 00:03:36,483 --> 00:03:38,083 And I will handle all of that. 89 00:03:38,118 --> 00:03:39,518 I can't thank you enough, Deezy. 90 00:03:39,552 --> 00:03:41,292 Unfortunately, the state does require 91 00:03:41,321 --> 00:03:44,191 that all daycare providers take a CPR certification class. 92 00:03:44,224 --> 00:03:47,664 You know, in case, God forbid, I choke on a hot dog or a marble. 93 00:03:47,694 --> 00:03:50,464 Oh, God, don't even say such a thing, Deezy. 94 00:03:50,497 --> 00:03:53,667 I'm going to run, not walk, to that CPR class. 95 00:03:56,536 --> 00:03:58,366 Michael, this is silly. 96 00:03:58,405 --> 00:03:59,465 Get in the van! 97 00:03:59,506 --> 00:04:00,866 I wish I could, Marquess, 98 00:04:00,907 --> 00:04:03,537 but man, like I said, I'm gonna run, not walk. 99 00:04:03,576 --> 00:04:06,476 I wish I had said I was gonna drive, not walk, 100 00:04:06,513 --> 00:04:09,713 but I didn't, and I'm a man to my word. 101 00:04:09,749 --> 00:04:13,219 So, are we still going to Wyoming, or... 102 00:04:13,253 --> 00:04:14,723 What is happening? 103 00:04:14,754 --> 00:04:17,924 [honking] 104 00:04:17,957 --> 00:04:20,127 [Marquess] I feel so bad for this Clayton boy. 105 00:04:20,160 --> 00:04:23,630 When families don't support their children in matters of the heart... 106 00:04:23,663 --> 00:04:26,563 I-- I mean, you love who you love, and... 107 00:04:26,599 --> 00:04:29,499 [sighs] I'm just, um... 108 00:04:29,536 --> 00:04:31,736 Feeling lots of feelings, and, uh... 109 00:04:32,806 --> 00:04:34,736 Really? Really. 110 00:04:34,774 --> 00:04:35,914 No one cares. 111 00:04:35,942 --> 00:04:37,982 Oh, I'm sorry, I was listening to music. 112 00:04:39,412 --> 00:04:41,512 Oh, I'm sorry, I was listening to you. 113 00:04:41,548 --> 00:04:43,108 I don't care what you're feeling. 114 00:04:43,149 --> 00:04:45,549 [stammers] Look, I didn't support my son, Bosie, 115 00:04:45,585 --> 00:04:47,015 when he fell in love with Oscar Wilde 116 00:04:47,053 --> 00:04:49,453 and I'll be damned if I allow these parents 117 00:04:49,489 --> 00:04:51,619 to make the same mistake I did. I just... 118 00:04:52,659 --> 00:04:55,259 So much guilt, so much shame. 119 00:04:55,295 --> 00:04:59,325 [stammers] I'm sorry, Marquess. I am really sorry. 120 00:04:59,366 --> 00:05:01,726 Maybe I wasn't clear when I said 121 00:05:01,768 --> 00:05:03,898 I don't care what you're feeling, 122 00:05:03,937 --> 00:05:06,537 I should have just said, "Stop talking!" 123 00:05:06,573 --> 00:05:09,173 Guess who's certified in CPR, bitches? 124 00:05:09,209 --> 00:05:11,709 I'm sorry, Yung, I didn't mean to call you a bitch. 125 00:05:11,745 --> 00:05:13,575 But sometimes, you can be a bitch. 126 00:05:13,613 --> 00:05:16,723 Like the first thing in the morning before you get your coffee. 127 00:05:16,750 --> 00:05:19,220 Oh, Mi-- Don't you wanna drive? 128 00:05:19,252 --> 00:05:22,352 No, Marquess, I'll just sit back here ready to save lives. 129 00:05:22,389 --> 00:05:24,959 Buh-buh-buh-buh. You don't need your seat belts, man. 130 00:05:24,991 --> 00:05:26,021 You got me. 131 00:05:26,059 --> 00:05:27,789 I can bring you back to life, man. 132 00:05:27,827 --> 00:05:31,097 I have the power of God. I am God. 133 00:05:31,131 --> 00:05:32,961 Mm-kay. 134 00:05:37,270 --> 00:05:40,610 [Mike] Drive faster, Marquess, and feel free to close your eyes. 135 00:05:40,640 --> 00:05:42,970 Hey, Yung, you want to choke on a sucking candy? 136 00:05:43,009 --> 00:05:44,509 Uh, no thanks. 137 00:05:44,544 --> 00:05:46,444 Here, Pigeon, I learned the Heimlich maneuver. 138 00:05:46,479 --> 00:05:48,279 [coughing, choking] 139 00:05:48,314 --> 00:05:50,324 Okay, first thing you do in an emergency. 140 00:05:50,350 --> 00:05:53,180 You look around, you make sure everything is safe. 141 00:05:53,219 --> 00:05:54,489 -Dad! -[Pigeon coughing] 142 00:05:54,521 --> 00:05:56,121 Then see if the victim is responsive. 143 00:05:56,156 --> 00:05:58,116 Sir, sir, are you okay? 144 00:05:58,158 --> 00:05:59,988 Now, here's something I did not know. 145 00:06:00,026 --> 00:06:02,586 You cannot just render aid without their permission 146 00:06:02,629 --> 00:06:04,399 because of legal whatnots. 147 00:06:04,431 --> 00:06:05,761 Isn't that interesting? 148 00:06:05,799 --> 00:06:07,469 I find that very interesting. 149 00:06:07,500 --> 00:06:09,100 But that's the world we live in. 150 00:06:09,135 --> 00:06:11,895 So I'm gonna ask the victim for permission. 151 00:06:11,938 --> 00:06:14,908 -Sir, do I have your permission to render aid? -[choking] 152 00:06:14,941 --> 00:06:16,271 What is happening? 153 00:06:16,309 --> 00:06:18,679 The victim has passed out, 154 00:06:18,711 --> 00:06:20,751 and he doesn't appear to be breathing. 155 00:06:20,780 --> 00:06:22,850 This is called the AED machine. 156 00:06:22,882 --> 00:06:24,352 It stands for... I don't know. 157 00:06:24,384 --> 00:06:25,924 Here, let me look it up on my phone. 158 00:06:25,952 --> 00:06:27,552 -Dad, hurry! -Oh, my God! 159 00:06:27,587 --> 00:06:30,157 Ugh, I'm not getting any reception. 160 00:06:31,357 --> 00:06:32,957 Oh, wait, we need to check and see 161 00:06:32,992 --> 00:06:36,192 if the victim is wearing a necklace or any metal jewelry, 162 00:06:36,229 --> 00:06:37,359 so we don't electrocute him. 163 00:06:37,397 --> 00:06:38,927 Okay, no jewelry. 164 00:06:38,965 --> 00:06:41,395 That's suprisin'. He's very flashy. 165 00:06:41,434 --> 00:06:43,034 Michael! 166 00:06:43,069 --> 00:06:44,869 Okay, everyone clear. 167 00:06:45,738 --> 00:06:47,808 -[zapping] -[coughs] 168 00:06:49,075 --> 00:06:50,275 [groans] 169 00:06:50,310 --> 00:06:51,910 Are we there yet? 170 00:06:57,150 --> 00:06:58,820 So why did Clayton contact you, exactly? 171 00:06:58,852 --> 00:07:00,822 Is it about his tiny dick? Just so we're clear, 172 00:07:00,854 --> 00:07:02,594 he didn't get that from me. He got it from his mother. 173 00:07:02,622 --> 00:07:04,922 My side of the family, you mean. 174 00:07:04,958 --> 00:07:08,428 'Cause I don't have a tiny dick. [panting] 175 00:07:08,461 --> 00:07:11,331 What? What? I don't! [sobbing] 176 00:07:11,364 --> 00:07:13,164 Take your pill, Mary Lynne. 177 00:07:13,199 --> 00:07:17,269 Okay. Um, there is an additional reason your son contacted us, 178 00:07:17,303 --> 00:07:20,073 but I'm sure he would prefer that we speak to him privately. 179 00:07:20,106 --> 00:07:21,466 Do you know where he is? 180 00:07:21,508 --> 00:07:23,908 He better be out in the south pasture deworming cattle. 181 00:07:23,943 --> 00:07:26,713 But if this is about Josephine Monahan, you're wasting your time. 182 00:07:26,746 --> 00:07:28,746 She and the rest of her family can go straight to hell. 183 00:07:28,781 --> 00:07:30,481 May I ask a question? 184 00:07:30,517 --> 00:07:32,117 I think we're all wondering, 185 00:07:32,151 --> 00:07:33,921 can I have a ginger ale? 186 00:07:33,953 --> 00:07:35,523 No, that's not what we're wondering, 187 00:07:35,555 --> 00:07:37,115 I believe what we're all wondering 188 00:07:37,156 --> 00:07:39,616 is why your two families are feuding. 189 00:07:39,659 --> 00:07:41,929 Long ago, it was cattle. 190 00:07:41,961 --> 00:07:43,061 Then it was oil. 191 00:07:43,096 --> 00:07:45,596 Now, it's just in our blood. 192 00:07:45,632 --> 00:07:47,032 Interesting, 193 00:07:47,066 --> 00:07:48,796 but I think I would have enjoyed the answer more 194 00:07:48,835 --> 00:07:51,665 if I would have had a cold glass of ginger ale. 195 00:07:51,704 --> 00:07:53,514 Okay, Mr. and Mrs. MacGovern... 196 00:07:53,540 --> 00:07:55,840 Please, call us Monty MacGovern 197 00:07:55,875 --> 00:07:57,235 and Mary Lynne MacGovern. 198 00:07:57,277 --> 00:07:58,877 Mm-kay. It seems longer. 199 00:07:58,912 --> 00:08:01,112 Monty MacGovern and Mary Lynne MacGovern, 200 00:08:01,147 --> 00:08:02,547 your son is in love. 201 00:08:02,582 --> 00:08:04,022 Shouldn't that be all that matters? 202 00:08:04,050 --> 00:08:05,980 Even if we were willing to end this feud, 203 00:08:06,019 --> 00:08:08,619 I want Hugey Monahan to make the first move. 204 00:08:08,655 --> 00:08:10,185 And good luck with that. 205 00:08:10,223 --> 00:08:12,123 50 milligrams? 206 00:08:12,158 --> 00:08:15,258 What is wrong with you? 207 00:08:15,295 --> 00:08:18,825 There's no way in hell we're making the first move to end this feud. 208 00:08:19,832 --> 00:08:21,402 Isn't that right, Hugey? 209 00:08:21,434 --> 00:08:22,604 [wheezes] 210 00:08:22,635 --> 00:08:24,095 That's right, Sugar. 211 00:08:24,137 --> 00:08:26,237 -[all gasping] -[Marquess] Dear Lord! 212 00:08:26,272 --> 00:08:29,042 Oh, my God, just like that commercial. 213 00:08:29,075 --> 00:08:32,575 [wheezes] No Monahan will ever marry a MacGovern. 214 00:08:32,612 --> 00:08:36,252 And anyway, Josephine is going to marry Tucker's best friend 215 00:08:36,282 --> 00:08:38,822 [wheezes] J.D. Montague. 216 00:08:38,851 --> 00:08:41,821 Just so you know, I'd rather die than marry J.D. 217 00:08:41,854 --> 00:08:43,694 Wait, wait, Josephine! 218 00:08:43,723 --> 00:08:44,963 Nobody needs to die. 219 00:08:44,991 --> 00:08:46,761 I promise this will all work out. 220 00:08:46,793 --> 00:08:48,663 I'll talk to your parents, I... 221 00:08:50,363 --> 00:08:51,933 Josephine! 222 00:08:51,965 --> 00:08:53,525 Josephine! 223 00:08:53,566 --> 00:08:55,396 Where are you, my sweet Josephine? 224 00:08:55,435 --> 00:08:58,635 She ain't your sweet Josephine for much longer. 225 00:08:58,671 --> 00:09:01,211 We're getting married. Her parents said so. 226 00:09:01,240 --> 00:09:03,440 J.D., what are you doing? 227 00:09:03,476 --> 00:09:05,206 [both grunting] 228 00:09:06,646 --> 00:09:08,176 -[gunshot] -Oh! 229 00:09:08,214 --> 00:09:09,614 [gasps] 230 00:09:10,483 --> 00:09:11,983 You shot me! 231 00:09:12,552 --> 00:09:13,692 I'm dying. 232 00:09:13,720 --> 00:09:16,790 Stay with him. I'll go get help. 233 00:09:16,823 --> 00:09:19,493 I did want to marry a Monahan. 234 00:09:19,525 --> 00:09:21,325 But not Josephine. 235 00:09:21,361 --> 00:09:23,131 It was Tucker I loved. 236 00:09:24,764 --> 00:09:26,704 J.D.'s dead. I killed him! 237 00:09:26,733 --> 00:09:28,173 It was an accident, I swear! 238 00:09:28,201 --> 00:09:30,671 I believe you, Clayton, but no one else will. 239 00:09:30,703 --> 00:09:32,503 All I want is to be with Josephine. 240 00:09:32,538 --> 00:09:34,668 When Tucker sees what I've done, he'll kill me! 241 00:09:34,707 --> 00:09:37,207 No. Not if you're already dead. 242 00:09:37,243 --> 00:09:38,313 What? 243 00:09:38,344 --> 00:09:40,554 Here, here, here. Lie down next to him. 244 00:09:40,580 --> 00:09:42,910 Okay, now we need a second bullet 245 00:09:42,949 --> 00:09:44,349 to have been fired. 246 00:09:44,384 --> 00:09:48,694 -[neighing] -Oh, shit. 247 00:09:50,023 --> 00:09:53,093 Ah, well, at least it was a peaceful death. 248 00:09:53,126 --> 00:09:54,986 -What is that? -Sriracha sauce. 249 00:09:55,028 --> 00:09:56,488 Well, I'm doing this paleo thing. 250 00:09:56,529 --> 00:09:58,829 Well, it's not totally paleo, because I drink, 251 00:09:58,865 --> 00:10:01,265 I mean, I'm not not gonna drink, that's crazy. 252 00:10:01,300 --> 00:10:04,270 So basically, I'm just eating boneless, skinless chicken breast 253 00:10:04,303 --> 00:10:06,073 and kale, and I got so sick of it 254 00:10:06,105 --> 00:10:07,705 and then my friend, Daniel... 255 00:10:07,740 --> 00:10:09,240 Oh, here we go. Shit. 256 00:10:09,275 --> 00:10:11,075 Here. Now, play dead. 257 00:10:11,110 --> 00:10:12,810 Once everyone leaves, you'll run off 258 00:10:12,845 --> 00:10:14,545 and I'll tell Josephine to meet you. 259 00:10:14,580 --> 00:10:16,410 Then, you can finally be together. 260 00:10:16,449 --> 00:10:18,579 [gasps] Like Romeo and Juliet. This is major. 261 00:10:18,618 --> 00:10:20,888 This is so major. 262 00:10:20,920 --> 00:10:24,490 Oh, no! Oh! They're both dead! 263 00:10:24,524 --> 00:10:25,794 No! 264 00:10:25,825 --> 00:10:28,225 These young men both dead. 265 00:10:28,261 --> 00:10:30,191 Ah, so tragic! 266 00:10:30,229 --> 00:10:32,529 Clayton, no! 267 00:10:32,565 --> 00:10:34,195 There, there, my dear. 268 00:10:34,233 --> 00:10:36,333 [whispers] He's not really dead. Come with me. 269 00:10:36,369 --> 00:10:39,339 Oh, shit. This dude's still breathing. 270 00:10:40,273 --> 00:10:41,543 Okay, no jewelry. 271 00:10:41,574 --> 00:10:43,044 I can't thank you enough. 272 00:10:43,076 --> 00:10:44,436 All right. Let's go back in there, 273 00:10:44,477 --> 00:10:47,107 and remember, you're supposed to be sad. 274 00:10:47,146 --> 00:10:47,976 Right. 275 00:10:48,014 --> 00:10:50,484 Okay, everyone clear. 276 00:10:50,516 --> 00:10:52,916 -[zapping] -[screams] 277 00:10:52,952 --> 00:10:54,352 How the [bleep] did I electrocute him? 278 00:10:54,387 --> 00:10:56,317 He wasn't even wearing any jewelry. 279 00:10:56,355 --> 00:10:57,455 [sobs] 280 00:10:57,490 --> 00:10:59,560 He has nipple rings. 281 00:10:59,592 --> 00:11:01,232 We both do. 282 00:11:01,260 --> 00:11:04,160 We got them as a hidden symbol of our love! 283 00:11:04,197 --> 00:11:07,067 I'm coming to be with you, Clayton. 284 00:11:07,100 --> 00:11:09,370 [screams] 285 00:11:09,402 --> 00:11:12,672 Well, at least they both died a peaceful death. 286 00:11:12,705 --> 00:11:15,305 [theme music playing] 21146

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