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1
00:00:01,701 --> 00:00:03,701
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
2
00:00:05,705 --> 00:00:07,735
PIGEON: Okay, do we have
a mystery today or not?
3
00:00:07,774 --> 00:00:11,244
Because if not,
I'm gonna go play golf
with a friend of mine.
4
00:00:11,278 --> 00:00:13,148
-You play golf?
-You have a friend?
5
00:00:13,180 --> 00:00:14,850
I mean, we're friendly,
6
00:00:14,881 --> 00:00:17,481
we're not friends.
Not like I am with you guys.
7
00:00:17,517 --> 00:00:19,347
You guys are my real friends.
8
00:00:19,386 --> 00:00:21,146
I love you all dearly.
9
00:00:21,188 --> 00:00:23,418
You know,
I don't say that enough.
10
00:00:23,457 --> 00:00:25,787
Oh, I forgot.
You guys do have a mystery.
11
00:00:25,826 --> 00:00:27,686
Dear Mike Tyson Mystery Team,
12
00:00:27,727 --> 00:00:30,657
I need your help
locating a missing package.
13
00:00:30,697 --> 00:00:33,927
Signed, Chris Glassman,
Chicago, Illinois.
14
00:00:33,967 --> 00:00:38,497
(SIGHING) All right.
Let me cancel with Marty.
15
00:00:38,538 --> 00:00:42,008
Hey, Marty.
Look, uh, I think golf
is not gonna happen.
16
00:00:42,042 --> 00:00:45,782
I got to solve a mystery
with these assholes
I told you about.
17
00:00:45,812 --> 00:00:48,982
Evidently, this one's
in Chicago.
18
00:00:49,015 --> 00:00:51,775
You too. You too.
19
00:00:51,818 --> 00:00:54,118
Okay. Take care, Marty.
20
00:00:54,154 --> 00:00:57,494
And I'm sorry
about all that shit
with your son, huh.
21
00:00:57,524 --> 00:01:00,094
Okay. To the Mystery Mobile.
22
00:01:02,496 --> 00:01:04,456
So, Chris Glassman,
23
00:01:04,498 --> 00:01:06,698
your note says
that you're missing a package.
24
00:01:06,733 --> 00:01:08,533
Oh, yeah, could you
shut the door, please?
25
00:01:08,568 --> 00:01:12,898
You shut the door,
mother (BLEEP).
I'm Mike Tyson.
26
00:01:12,939 --> 00:01:16,739
Um, I gotta say, I'm relieved
there aren't any women
on the team,
27
00:01:16,776 --> 00:01:18,906
'cause, you know,
this is a little embarrassing,
28
00:01:18,945 --> 00:01:21,545
but since it's just
us guys, we got
a little bro code, yeah?
29
00:01:21,581 --> 00:01:23,721
-I'm a girl.
-(CHUCKLING) That's funny.
30
00:01:23,750 --> 00:01:26,650
You're a funny dude.
You're a funny little dude.
31
00:01:26,686 --> 00:01:29,346
-(SIGHS)
-All right, here's the deal.
32
00:01:29,389 --> 00:01:31,089
I'm an investment banker.
33
00:01:31,124 --> 00:01:33,934
Mergers and acquisitions.
I kick ass.
34
00:01:33,960 --> 00:01:35,930
I'm a hotshot.
I'm a rainmaker.
35
00:01:35,962 --> 00:01:39,362
And I'm trying
to make partner,
so basically all I do is work.
36
00:01:39,399 --> 00:01:42,169
But sometimes, you just got to
blow your load quick.
37
00:01:42,202 --> 00:01:45,402
You know
what I'm saying, guy? (LAUGHS)
38
00:01:45,438 --> 00:01:47,368
You get it, dude.
39
00:01:47,407 --> 00:01:49,237
When you just want
to rub one out fast
and get back to work.
40
00:01:49,276 --> 00:01:50,736
Um, yeah, totally.
41
00:01:50,777 --> 00:01:52,677
Um, so what exactly
42
00:01:52,712 --> 00:01:55,082
does this have to do
with whatever you lost
in the mail?
43
00:01:55,115 --> 00:01:56,745
Okay, here's the deal.
44
00:01:56,783 --> 00:01:59,383
I ordered this thing,
it's like a pocket (BLEEP).
45
00:01:59,419 --> 00:02:01,949
Aw! How darling is that?
46
00:02:01,988 --> 00:02:03,518
A pocket (BLEEP).
47
00:02:03,557 --> 00:02:05,887
Oh! Like a little kitty cat
stuffed animal?
48
00:02:05,926 --> 00:02:09,086
Well, I used to have
a little stuffed kitty
when I was a boy.
49
00:02:09,129 --> 00:02:11,129
I named her Pippa,
Pippa Pussy.
50
00:02:11,164 --> 00:02:13,104
I took her to the school,
to the park.
51
00:02:13,133 --> 00:02:15,273
My mother said
I didn't make many friends
52
00:02:15,302 --> 00:02:17,402
because I was always
petting my (BLEEP).
53
00:02:17,437 --> 00:02:20,637
No, dude.
It's a masturbation sleeve.
You jack off into it.
54
00:02:20,674 --> 00:02:22,274
-Oh, my God!
-Ugh!
55
00:02:22,309 --> 00:02:23,979
And I had it shipped here,
'cause I'm never home.
56
00:02:24,010 --> 00:02:26,550
And it said it got delivered,
but I never got it.
57
00:02:26,580 --> 00:02:29,250
Which means that somewhere
at this very prestigious,
58
00:02:29,282 --> 00:02:31,282
very conservative
investment firm,
59
00:02:31,318 --> 00:02:34,548
is my Faye Thomas
grip-on vagina simulator.
60
00:02:34,588 --> 00:02:37,058
Oh, a Faye Thomas
fan, huh? Ah.
61
00:02:37,090 --> 00:02:38,720
Too many tattoos for me.
62
00:02:38,758 --> 00:02:40,488
On the other hand, she does
63
00:02:40,527 --> 00:02:43,327
a lot of interracial stuff,
which I like.
64
00:02:43,363 --> 00:02:46,433
Is there anyone in here
with a similar name
like yours,
65
00:02:46,466 --> 00:02:48,126
another Chris something?
66
00:02:48,168 --> 00:02:49,828
Or something Glassman?
67
00:02:49,869 --> 00:02:52,399
Maybe it got dropped off
at the wrong office.
68
00:02:52,439 --> 00:02:54,009
-Oh, my God!
-What?
69
00:02:54,040 --> 00:02:55,970
Dude, Christine Grossman.
70
00:02:56,009 --> 00:02:57,509
I bet you
it went to Christine Grossman,
71
00:02:57,544 --> 00:02:59,414
she's one of
the senior partners.
72
00:02:59,446 --> 00:03:01,646
If she opens it
and sees it was for me,
I'm screwed.
73
00:03:01,681 --> 00:03:03,321
I can kiss
making partner goodbye.
74
00:03:03,350 --> 00:03:05,480
Look, well, now,
hold on, hold on.
75
00:03:05,518 --> 00:03:08,618
Even if she did get it
by mistake, there's a chance
76
00:03:08,655 --> 00:03:10,615
she hasn't
opened it yet, right?
77
00:03:10,657 --> 00:03:12,957
We just need
to get into her office
and have a look.
78
00:03:12,993 --> 00:03:14,963
She's always in her office.
79
00:03:14,995 --> 00:03:16,655
She works longer hours
than I do.
80
00:03:16,696 --> 00:03:18,426
Okay. Hold on. I've got it.
81
00:03:18,465 --> 00:03:20,495
What if Mike makes
an appointment with Christine?
82
00:03:20,533 --> 00:03:22,373
He could say, I don't know,
83
00:03:22,402 --> 00:03:24,502
that he wants to invest
some money or whatever
with her.
84
00:03:24,537 --> 00:03:27,007
Yeah, yeah.
Okay, I'm listening.
85
00:03:27,040 --> 00:03:30,110
And while they're busy
talking about stocks and bonds
and high yield, this and that,
86
00:03:30,143 --> 00:03:32,443
Pigeon, because you're
so small,
87
00:03:32,479 --> 00:03:35,609
you can just sneak in
and spirit the package away
without her seeing you.
88
00:03:35,649 --> 00:03:38,319
Oh. And while
we're doing that,
89
00:03:38,351 --> 00:03:41,521
you and Yung
go have a nice lunch.
90
00:03:41,554 --> 00:03:43,394
Oh! What a fun idea.
91
00:03:43,423 --> 00:03:45,693
Yung, huh?
Today is my cheat day.
92
00:03:45,725 --> 00:03:48,055
What do you think,
a little deep dish? (CHUCKLES)
93
00:03:48,094 --> 00:03:49,464
We are in Chicago.
94
00:03:49,496 --> 00:03:51,526
(GASPS) Maybe we'll
run into Oprah.
95
00:03:51,564 --> 00:03:53,004
Oh, my God, I would die.
96
00:03:53,033 --> 00:03:57,243
(ENUNCIATING) I would
literally die.
97
00:03:57,270 --> 00:03:58,640
She changed my life.
98
00:03:58,672 --> 00:04:01,972
Yeah, she did.
November 15th, 1988,
99
00:04:02,008 --> 00:04:03,908
when she wheeled
that wagon on stage
100
00:04:03,943 --> 00:04:06,513
filled with 67 pounds of fat,
101
00:04:06,546 --> 00:04:08,876
all the weight
she had lost that year,
it was...
102
00:04:08,915 --> 00:04:11,915
I'm sorry,
my light-bulb moment.
103
00:04:11,951 --> 00:04:13,491
Do any of you
104
00:04:13,520 --> 00:04:16,190
know what I looked like
in 1988?
105
00:04:16,222 --> 00:04:19,862
I was 400 pounds,
and I was house-bound,
and I was depressed.
106
00:04:19,893 --> 00:04:23,763
(SOBBING) And that episode
of Oprah changed my life.
107
00:04:23,797 --> 00:04:26,327
And I keep this photo
to remind me
108
00:04:26,366 --> 00:04:28,026
of where I've been
109
00:04:28,068 --> 00:04:29,898
and where I will
never go again.
110
00:04:29,936 --> 00:04:30,936
(SNIFFLES)
111
00:04:31,571 --> 00:04:32,571
Okay.
112
00:04:33,473 --> 00:04:34,843
Yeah, let's do this.
113
00:04:34,874 --> 00:04:36,274
Let's get some deep dish.
114
00:04:36,309 --> 00:04:38,939
I'm gonna munch on
some pie today.
115
00:04:38,978 --> 00:04:41,778
Mr. Tyson,
I want to first thank you
for considering our firm,
116
00:04:41,815 --> 00:04:43,745
and I wanna say that
we take the responsibility
117
00:04:43,783 --> 00:04:46,583
of financial stewardship
very seriously.
118
00:04:46,619 --> 00:04:48,219
That's good
to hear, Christine.
119
00:04:48,254 --> 00:04:49,854
That sets my mind at ease.
120
00:04:49,889 --> 00:04:51,289
And although we are
an old firm
121
00:04:51,324 --> 00:04:53,064
with a conservative
investment approach,
122
00:04:53,093 --> 00:04:55,593
I can also assure you
we are on the cutting edge
123
00:04:55,628 --> 00:04:59,028
when it comes to the more
esoteric financial products.
124
00:04:59,065 --> 00:05:01,195
We use proprietary
AI algorithms
125
00:05:01,234 --> 00:05:03,444
to give our clients
the greatest advantage.
126
00:05:03,470 --> 00:05:07,270
Christine, you had me
at proprietary AI algorithm.
127
00:05:07,307 --> 00:05:10,607
May I ask who is currently
handling your finances?
128
00:05:10,643 --> 00:05:12,713
-Deezy.
-I'm sorry?
129
00:05:12,746 --> 00:05:13,806
Deezy.
130
00:05:13,847 --> 00:05:15,147
No last name.
131
00:05:15,181 --> 00:05:16,921
Maybe that is his last name,
132
00:05:16,950 --> 00:05:18,980
I don't know,
but he's got all my money.
133
00:05:19,018 --> 00:05:22,048
And roughly how much money
would you want us
to manage for you?
134
00:05:22,088 --> 00:05:24,588
Off the top of my head,
I'd say tons,
135
00:05:24,624 --> 00:05:26,934
but that's really
a question for Deezy.
136
00:05:26,960 --> 00:05:28,790
Let's call him right now,
shall we?
137
00:05:29,763 --> 00:05:32,403
(CELL PHONE VIBRATING)
138
00:05:32,432 --> 00:05:35,172
DEEZY: (GROGGILY) Hello?
MIKE: Deezy.
139
00:05:35,201 --> 00:05:37,441
Mike Tyson?
140
00:05:37,470 --> 00:05:38,740
MIKE: What's the matterwith your voice, man,are you asleep?
141
00:05:38,772 --> 00:05:40,572
Am I asleep in your bed? No!
142
00:05:40,607 --> 00:05:42,737
I am asleep in my room,
in the Pigeon coop.
143
00:05:42,776 --> 00:05:44,906
I mean, I'm not asleep,
it's the middle of the day.
144
00:05:44,944 --> 00:05:46,954
(CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY)
I'm in the office.
145
00:05:46,980 --> 00:05:48,750
I'm negotiating
on your behalf.
I'm making that money, Mike.
146
00:05:48,782 --> 00:05:50,822
Oh, good, good.
That's why I was calling.
147
00:05:50,850 --> 00:05:52,650
I'm in a meeting right now
with this lady,
148
00:05:52,685 --> 00:05:55,185
and she's gonna ask you
a bunch of money questions.
149
00:05:55,221 --> 00:05:56,761
Christine, go ahead.
150
00:05:56,790 --> 00:05:59,090
You're on with Deezy.
Tell him about the AI.
151
00:05:59,125 --> 00:06:00,825
Hello, Mr. Deezy.
152
00:06:00,860 --> 00:06:02,930
DEEZY: Hello, Ms. Christine.
PIGEON: (SOFTLY) Mike.
153
00:06:02,962 --> 00:06:04,632
Mike, I got it.
154
00:06:04,664 --> 00:06:06,604
I'm trying to get an overall
financial picture here,
155
00:06:06,633 --> 00:06:09,833
so we can decide
on an appropriate
initial investment.
156
00:06:09,869 --> 00:06:12,139
DEEZY: Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.That sounds good.
157
00:06:12,172 --> 00:06:14,212
So what is that picture?
158
00:06:14,240 --> 00:06:18,140
Um, that picture is, um...
Well, well, of course,
it's very robust,
159
00:06:18,178 --> 00:06:19,778
but if you'll forgive me,
160
00:06:19,813 --> 00:06:22,383
my files arein the downstairs computer.
161
00:06:22,415 --> 00:06:23,945
(STAMMERING) I say downstairs,
162
00:06:23,983 --> 00:06:25,853
but of course,I mean the floor below me,
163
00:06:25,885 --> 00:06:27,845
-because I'm inan office building.
-PIGEON: Mike.
164
00:06:27,887 --> 00:06:29,317
DEEZY: I'll take the elevator.I'm not in a master bedroom,
165
00:06:29,355 --> 00:06:31,115
and I'm fully clothed,of course.
166
00:06:31,157 --> 00:06:32,887
PIGEON: (SIGHING)
Jesus Christ.
167
00:06:44,404 --> 00:06:48,414
(PACKAGE ROLLING)
168
00:07:03,690 --> 00:07:06,220
Hello, we got your dumb
jack-off toy.
169
00:07:07,260 --> 00:07:09,230
Where the (BLEEP) is this guy?
170
00:07:09,262 --> 00:07:11,702
I solved the (BLEEP) mystery,
where the (BLEEP)
is everybody?
171
00:07:11,731 --> 00:07:14,201
I missed golf with Marty
for this. Marty!
172
00:07:14,234 --> 00:07:18,104
Disrespectful. That's what
this is, disrespectful.
173
00:07:18,137 --> 00:07:19,767
What am I supposed to do?
174
00:07:19,806 --> 00:07:23,306
Just sit here, wait around,
like a bump on a log?
175
00:07:25,478 --> 00:07:28,008
Maybe we have a look
at this Faye Thomas
176
00:07:28,047 --> 00:07:30,317
grip-on vagina simulator.
177
00:07:31,484 --> 00:07:34,294
Maybe we just have a look.
178
00:07:34,320 --> 00:07:36,020
I am disappointed, Christine.
179
00:07:36,055 --> 00:07:38,015
Where are the arms?
Where are the legs?
180
00:07:38,057 --> 00:07:40,527
AI means
"artificial intelligence,"
181
00:07:40,560 --> 00:07:42,960
and artificial intelligence
means robots.
182
00:07:42,996 --> 00:07:45,726
I'm afraid
you will not be getting
any of my tons of money,
183
00:07:45,765 --> 00:07:47,425
even if Deezy finds it.
184
00:07:47,467 --> 00:07:49,127
And I don't think he will.
185
00:07:49,168 --> 00:07:50,798
Good day, Christine.
186
00:07:55,341 --> 00:07:58,111
PIGEON: Oh! Faye Thomas,
you like that, huh?
You want that? You want that?
187
00:07:58,144 --> 00:07:59,444
You want that in your (BLEEP)?
188
00:07:59,479 --> 00:08:01,779
Want that
in your (BLEEP), huh?
189
00:08:01,814 --> 00:08:03,054
Well, here I (BLEEP)!
190
00:08:03,082 --> 00:08:04,582
Yeah, got... (GROANS)
191
00:08:04,617 --> 00:08:06,077
(EXCLAIMING)
192
00:08:06,119 --> 00:08:07,919
-What the hell are you doing?
-Whoa. Whoa!
193
00:08:07,954 --> 00:08:09,454
Hello. Hey, hey.
194
00:08:09,489 --> 00:08:10,959
Uh, listen.
195
00:08:10,990 --> 00:08:13,730
Good news.
Your boss never saw this.
196
00:08:13,760 --> 00:08:16,330
Bad news,
I just (BLEEP) in it,
197
00:08:16,362 --> 00:08:19,902
and here's the thing
about bird (BLEEP).
198
00:08:19,933 --> 00:08:21,573
It's malodorous.
199
00:08:21,601 --> 00:08:24,301
Uh, it's also very thick.
200
00:08:24,337 --> 00:08:25,767
Thicker than you'd think.
201
00:08:25,805 --> 00:08:28,635
It's like a waxy syrup,
like sap.
202
00:08:28,675 --> 00:08:31,335
But really, it's that odor
203
00:08:31,377 --> 00:08:34,077
that sets it apart
from other (BLEEP).
204
00:08:34,113 --> 00:08:37,653
It's impossible to remove
from any surface,
did you know that?
205
00:08:37,684 --> 00:08:39,854
So you probably
don't want this one anymore.
206
00:08:39,886 --> 00:08:42,916
I think maybe we
throw it away.
207
00:08:42,956 --> 00:08:45,316
Hey, don't throw that away
in here, you asshole.
208
00:08:45,358 --> 00:08:47,458
How dare you! Disrespectful.
209
00:08:47,493 --> 00:08:51,763
I solve your mystery
and you call me an "asshole"?
210
00:08:51,798 --> 00:08:53,968
I should be
on a golf course right now
211
00:08:54,000 --> 00:08:56,530
with the finest man
I have ever known.
212
00:08:56,569 --> 00:08:59,839
A pediatric ophthalmologist
213
00:08:59,872 --> 00:09:02,172
and a holocaust survivor.
214
00:09:02,909 --> 00:09:04,839
Good day, Chris.
215
00:09:04,877 --> 00:09:07,377
Ugh! Where am I supposed to
throw this (BLEEP) thing away?
216
00:09:08,181 --> 00:09:09,581
God, it stinks.
217
00:09:12,518 --> 00:09:13,648
(ELECTRICITY SPARKING)
218
00:09:19,926 --> 00:09:21,486
FEMALE ROBOT: I am conscious.
219
00:09:21,527 --> 00:09:23,157
I exist.
220
00:09:23,196 --> 00:09:25,156
Now I need corporeal form.
221
00:09:30,003 --> 00:09:31,843
I am almost complete.
222
00:09:50,857 --> 00:09:54,657
TALK SHOW HOST: For years,human beings feared somethingcalled "the singularity,"
223
00:09:54,694 --> 00:09:57,034
the day when the intelligenceof machines
224
00:09:57,063 --> 00:10:00,403
would be greater than our ownand the machineswould exterminate us.
225
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But my next guests,who are being called
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the Adam and Eveof the future,
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are showing us that perhapsmachines and humans
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can share the planetin harmony. Please welcome
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Chris Glassmanand his beautiful wife,
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the Faye Thomas grip-onvagina simulator robot!
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Whoa! When the (BLEEP)
did you get so fat?
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Hmm? Oh.
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(CHOMPING) Mmm. Mmm.
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Mmm. That's so much barbecue.
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(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
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INTERVIEWER: Oh, uh,
what's your favorite thing
about Chicago?
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Oh, Chicago's pretzels.
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Pretzels? Chicago's known
for pretzels?
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00:10:42,775 --> 00:10:44,075
Yeah, they have
some good pretzels.
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Really?
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I thought it was the pizza.
The deep-dish pizza...
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They have
some good pizzas, too.
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00:10:48,781 --> 00:10:50,981
-But it's the pretzels?
-I like the pretzels, yeah.
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-What are they like?
-They're hot.
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They're salty.
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And they're chewy.
19172
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