Original subtitles

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

MARQUESS: (SCOFFS) Hold still.

Everyone thinks they want Asian hair

but it's just so straight and heavy and coarse.

Wha... And what can you do with it? Beachy waves? I wish.

Don't get me wrong, it's incredibly shiny

and silky.

Are you sure you don't just wanna grow it out?

No. I like having a bob.

It's easy.

Hmm, suit yourself.

(SNIP) Ah, uh-oh.

-What? -Nothing. (MUTTERS)

It's just a little uneven.

Just take a little more off this is... Mmm.

What?

Nothing, hmm.

Okay, hold on, just...

Just stop, stop tilting your chin.

I'm not tilting my chin.

Ah, oh, hold on. Whoops.

-Marquess. -Just...

Um, ah, there. Um, no.

There.

Hey team, got a new mystery.

What the (BLEEP) happened to your hair?

What did you do?

It's not my fault. It's that Asian hair.

It's like cutting rope.

Where's Pigeon?

I think he's still asleep.

It's 11:00 am.

That's depression or it's luxurious.

After all, it's the weekend.

It's Tuesday.

Then that's definitely depression or he's just tired.

Hey Pigeon, get down here. We got a new mystery.

Pigeon.

-Pigeon, hey Pigeon. -(STAMMERING) Michael.

-Just go upstairs. -Pigeon?

Mother (BLEEP). Get down here, now.

Stop shouting.

I don't wanna call you no mo... Don't make me call you one more you, you...

You flea-infested vomit.

Flying vomit.

Why did you tell me you knew how to cut hair,

when you obviously don't know how to cut hair?

Well, I'm sorry. It's been a hot minute since I've done it.

I think it's been, I don't know, 150 years?

I used to cut Sir Rodney Pumpbutter's hair

and then I'd always finish him off with a blowie.

That's what we called a blowout back then.

Get your minds-- You know what?

Never mind.

You looked like an 11 year-old boy before and you still do.

So, as I used to tell Rodney Pumpbutters...

Stop riding my ass.

PIGEON: Can you damn mother (BLEEP) shut the (BLEEP) up, please?

I'm hungover as hell.

What?

Pigeon, you're not a pigeon.

Oh, my God.

It must've worn off.

Sandra's spell.

Must've worn off.

That's crazy. How do you feel?

I don't know.

I guess excited, judging from this world class erection.

I had got used to seeing that little bird dick, this looks like a loaf of bread.

(SHRIEKS) More like a baguette.

I'd like to put that in my bicycle basket and ride home.

Right, Yung? I shouldn't have said that, that's not right.

I, I should go put on some clothes.

No, don't! (STAMMERS NERVOUSLY)

(SOFTLY) Do whatever, I mean, I don't care.

What happened to your (BLEEP) hair?

You got that moon-pie face. You need more hair.

Not less.

So you're... You're leaving?

Well, now that I'm a man again,

it doesn't make any sense to stay here.

Especially, since I was just using you guys for food and shelter.

Good luck with those mysteries.

(LAUGHS)

What? So, now he's just gone?

Well this is very sudden, I...

Good mornin' fella.

Good mornin, shithead.

What? What's going on?

That's the second complete stranger that called me a shithead today.

It's not even noon.

(BELL RINGS CLASSICAL TUNE)

Oh, he must've changed his mind.

-Hey everybody. -Oh.

It's just Deezy.

Damn, a brother can't catch a break today.

What you want Deezy?

Come on, Mike. We got a signing this morning.

We gotta be at Dick's Sporting Goods in 15 minutes.

No wait, Foot Locker.

No, wait, Sport Chalet.

That's where it is.

No, no, wait. It's Big 5.

(BLEEP) I don't remember where it's at.

Maybe, none of those places.

I think I got it written down somewhere in the car.

Okay, cool.

Let me get my sunglasses.

Hey, while we're gone,

you two can start interviewing new potential candidates to replace Pigeon.

What?

-Pigeon quit the team? -Yeah, he left.

What? Okay, Okay. Hold on.

Damn, I think I lost my sunglasses.

Marquess, give me yours.

These aren't sunglasses.

Yeah, these'll be good.

Okay team. Let's solve some mysteries.

Where'd you get that tracksuit?

Oh this? I made it.

I was selling them online for 150 bucks a unit.

Until I got a cease and desist in the mail.

-From who? -From GUESS.

-Okay... -What?

Tommy Hilfiger?

No, GUESS, the clothing line.

I am dumbass.

-Armani? -GUESS.

Oh, this is fun. Diane Von Furstenberg.

-Mike. -Calvin Klein.

-GUESS. -Versace.

-GUESS. -Mossimo for Target.

-GUESS. -I am, mother (BLEEP).

-Sergio Valente. -GUESS, God dammit.

The brand is GUESS.

The brand is Levi's mother (BLEEP).

Oh my God. What...

Oh, oh, oh. Michael Kors.

-(CRASH AND SCREAM) -(TIRES SQUEALING)

(PANTING)

(GASPS)

(PANTING AND GASPING)

Oh no. Poor Pigeon.

What are you talking about?

This is Pigeon. He just don't look like Pigeon right now.

And he also... He's dead.

Damn.

So, I guess that means I'm definitely on the team, huh?

Can I live in his room?

-I currently embroiled in a dispute with my landlord. -(SCOFFS)

And uh, also rest in peace, Pigeon?

I always loved you and I didn't get a chance to say so.

Okay, I'm gonna go get my (BLEEP) out the car.

And bring it inside, since that's where I've been living.

You know, because of that dispute.

MIKE: When I was younger, I remember grandmother taking me to the knitting store.

We would spend hours together picking out the perfect yarn

from all the beautiful colors.

And then we would sit in her parlor

together, knitting all afternoon.

Sometimes she would braid my hair.

And there would always be time for cookies.

I will always miss those times with Gram.

But I will always forever cherish the memories.

Amen.

Michael, what was that?

It's a eulogy I got off the internet

when I did a search for typical eulogy speech.

I didn't have the time or the inclination to write my own.

And this one seemed perfect.

Dad, don't you think it's weird that we had him buried at a pet cemetery?

Well, I bought the plot years ago when he was still a bird.

I got plots for all of us.

Mine is in Arlington National Cemetery.

Right next to the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier.

Marquess, you're gonna be buried in California right next to Marilyn Monroe.

Because I know how much you love her.

Oh my god. Thank you, Michael.

And Yung, your final resting place will be in your homeland of Korea.

I can't remember if it's North or South Korea.

I didn't make the arrangements.

Deezy did.

I thought you said, North or South Carolina.

We got hers in South Carolina.

About 30 minutes from Charleston,

if I'm not mistaken.

Oh, that's interesting.

Real interesting.

30 minutes away from Charleston.

Marquess, go ahead.

Okay, ahem.

We pour this one out for our homie, Pigeon.

(MARQUESS GASPS)

(YUNG SHRIEKS)

Oh my... Oh, my god.

He's not even in anything.

It's a pet cemetery. They only had little coffins.

Come on, let's get outta here.

Pigeon would've wanted us to get on with our lives.

(CROW CAWING)

Damn, where the hell is the light switch?

Oh, well, well, well.

Pigeon? I thought you were dead.

Shut the door and keep your voice down.

What are you doing in here?

In my room?

Shouldn't I ask you that?

How you still alive?

And who's that man we buried?

Listen close.

Because I'm only gonna say this once.

In 1979 I stole $400 million from the Albanian mafia.

I got away with it clean.

Until 1989, I bragged about it to a Lithuanian whore.

Who, you guessed it, was actually an Albanian whore.

I blame the cocaine.

Well, I'll tell ya.

The one mafia you don't wanna run afoul of is the Albanian mafia.

You know they made a guy eat himself

in his own home.

In front of his wife and kids.

Hacked off pieces of him, sewed him back up, served him the pieces.

Took six months, they say.

That was in Malta, they say.

But I know it was Riga.

Latvia, beautiful place, right there on the water.

They made the wife eat the guy and it was done in a week.

And that was a fact.

So, I knew I had to disappear.

Forever.

And there was this division of the Pakistani royal guard.

Headed by a guy, Dr. Khan,

who supposedly was attempting to surgically turn people into animals.

They're obsessed by the scheme of having a rabbit blow up the Israeli Knesset.

Anyhoo, for a $100 million he turned me into a pigeon.

And I've lived that way ever since.

Till about a month ago.

We were in Newport beach,

we'd just solved one of these dumb mysteries.

And I did a bunch of cocaine,

(BLEEP) some rich housewife and bragged about stealing the 400 million

from the Albanian mafia.

Well, turns out that housewife was married to a lawyer

for the Albanian mafia.

So, I knew it wouldn't be long before they came for me here.

So, to end it once and for all,

I decided to let them kill me.

Or at least think they did.

I met a guy. A failed actor, who'd recently been diagnosed with a terminal ailment

of some kind, and wanted to end his life.

We did a bunch of cocaine and he agreed to have

facial and vocal reconstructive surgery to look and sound like me.

Once I knew the Albanian mafia was watching the house,

I sent him out in the street

to be run over by another guy.

Who I had also met and done cocaine with that same night.

Who said he needed to kill somebody to join a gang.

Do Mike and the team know?

What they don't know

will keep them alive.

Not for very long.

You see my name is Amir Bakshimi.

You've heard this name, yes?

You took my money.

And now I'm here to take your life.

Ah, how?

I also paid $100 million to have surgery to make me

look and sound like someone else.

I'm gonna start by cutting off your wings.

I wonder if Pigeon wings taste as good as chicken wings.

You'll have to tell me.

Ah!

Oh (BLEEP).

Good thing I had my pistol.

I keep it with me and loaded.

You know my landlord situation.

What? What the (BLEEP) is going on?

Congratulations, Deezy.

You passed the test.

You are now an official member

of the Mike Tyson Mystery Team.

What was the test?

Killing someone.

We all had to kill someone to join the team.

You're one of us now.

Wait a second.

So, this whole thing was like, an elaborate plan?

(STAMMERS) I didn't wanna kill someone.

Too late.

You're in.

You got what you wanted.

Am I going to jail?

No. We operate above the law.

We're a special secret government strike team.

Also known as the Mike Tyson Special Secret Government Strike Team.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)