Original subtitles

(SNORING)

(ALARM BLARING)

(SIGHS)

Ugh!

Gladis!

(SIGHS)

(ALARM BLARRING)

(SIGHS) Pigeon.

Oh, wow! Oh, I thought this was my room.

Well, did I piss on your carpet? I'm sorry.

That's okay, buddy.

Oh, come on.

(HORN HONKS)

(HONKING)

What did I do?

Whoopsie!

-(CAR HONKS) -WOMAN: We love you, Mike.

MAN: Mike, Mike Tyson!

I love you too, stay in school, fool.

(CAR HONKS)

(ELEVATOR DINGS)

Morning, Ted.

Hi, Naan.

Oh, I like your hair, Sheila.

I like your hair too, Carol.

Oh, thanks, Sheila.

I got a new comb.

What is this?

"To Carol,

"love, your secret admirer."

(GASPS)

Morning, Marquess.

Oh, what is this?

Fast-food breakfast items.

Morning, Yung. Oh, I like your hair.

Did you do something different?

No.

(GASPS) What is this?

MARQUESS: Oh, we got a new mystery.

I just put it there, so you wouldn't miss it.

Oh, cool.

"Dear Mike Tyson Mystery Team.

-"My name is Carol." -PIGEON: Wait, wait, wait.

Wait for me. Wait, wait, wait! Wait, wait, wait!

Okay, now you can read it.

-Thanks for coming. -Oh, you're welcome.

Was it that obvious that I came?

I was looking at that big titted Persian

and then it just... Happened.

You got an extra napkin?

Since I sent you the note,

I've gotten three more gifts from my secret admirer.

Oh, is that so? Were any of them a napkin with semen on it?

What?

-No. -Well. Ah, here you go.

You add that to the gift pile.

Ugh. Oh, my God.

So, is there anyone that you can think of

that might have a crush on you?

No.

No one likes me.

I think...

What I'm afraid of is, that...

This is...

Someone's idea of a joke.

(CRYING)

There, there, Carol. You're being too hard on yourself.

You're a beautiful woman.

Your hair is kind of brownish-gray.

You have an apple shaped body.

You have glasses.

Rosacea, those thick wrists...

Wait, wait, wait. What were we talking about again?

I just dread coming into work.

Every time I...

Find a new gift, I just...

Imagine someone's laughing at me.

Oh, oh, oh, oh!

You might want to use a different napkin, you know.

One that doesn't have

this pigeon's semen on it.

I should just get back to work.

They only give us a 20 minute lunch break.

For what it's worth, Carol,

I believe your secret admirer is real.

And we'll find him. I guarantee it.

"I guarantee it"? What are you the Men's Warehouse?

Now, how do we help this poor woman?

I think one of us need to go undercover as an office worker.

Get in on some of that office gossip

and someone's gotta know something.

(ELEVATOR DINGS)

(SIGHS)

Who are you?

-Good morning, Carol. -Oh!

Oh, Mike Tyson.

-What you doing here? -Shh! I'm your new coworker,

Mark Starwars.

We're cubicle neighbors.

Now I can keep an eye on your desk.

What happened to Vanessa?

I told Vanessa she was laid off.

You know, cut backs and what not.

(PHONE RINGS) Oh, hold up.

(PICKS UP RECEIVER) Data Information Technology Storage Solution.

This is Mike Tyson speaking, I mean, I'm Mark Starwars.

How can I help you?

Well, we have a number of storage options available for your business.

It all depends on whether you, you know, value flexibility or security.

I mean, we can sit here all day and talk a bunch of bull (BLEEP)

about how you can have both of them at the same time.

But that's not reality. What's your name, Mitch?

That's not reality, Mitch.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Give me a second, Mitch.

(KEYBOARD CLICKING) Oh, hold on, Mitch.

Here's one with flexibility and security.

I guess, I spoke too soon.

(LAUGHING)

Ooh, that's funny (BLEEP), man.

Man, hey, have a wonderful rest of your day, buddy.

(BREATHES DEEPLY)

This is why I come to work every morning.

For this feeling right here.

I could sell a shit to a shit machine.

Coming, Carol?

I'm gonna hit that break room real hard.

Ah, I just feel so guilty. I mean,

here we are lounging around the pool,

while Mike is having to solve the mystery all by himself, ugh.

If this wasn't my third Riesling you know what I would do?

I would go straight to that office

and I would... Well, I don't know what I would do.

But what I do know,

is this Riesling is crisp, fruit forward

and perfectly balanced.

And this, guys, this was 14.99.

This was under $20!

I mean, you cannot tell me that you have to spend over $20

for a decent Riesling, you don't.

I didn't. Am I monologuing?

Because if I'm monologuing, tell me to stop. Come on.

Please, I'll stop. (GASPS)

Ho-ho-ho, that is crazy!

I mean, I was aiming for your face.

-Where the pod go? -You lift up that part.

Oh, this?

-No, this part. -Ooh, it opens.

Now pick which pod you want, which flavor.

Oh, damn. Look at all these pods.

I'll go with hazelnut. It's a little bit of a treat.

But nothing crazy like, hot chocolate.

What fatass, he gets hot chocolate in the middle of the day?

(BLEEP) it. You know what?

This fatass is getting hot chocolate.

I deserve it. You hear me on that phone with Mitch?

It was like stealing baby from a candy store.

I gotta get back to my desk.

I can't help but notice you guys staring that whole time.

You guys staring at Carol?

She's something else, right?

Sweet and pretty? That's a combination you don't find every day.

I bet somebody around here admires her secretly.

If you guys know anything, come to me at my desk.

I'm in Vanessa Telleria's old cubicle.

I don't like to gossip but she was fired for stealing.

Ow, ow! It's so full, so hot and full.

(BLOWING)

The hot chocolate's not going to come out. Mmm-mmm-mmm.

Well, that's God telling me I should have got hazelnut.

I mean that's amazing.

Heavyweight champ of the world.

One of the most famous people on Earth

and now just some poor slob trying to make it to the weekend.

(TOILET FLUSHES)

Oh, my God. Did he hear me?

What the (BLEEP) do I do?

I can't have my cover blown. I've come too far.

I have to kill him. I have to kill this man.

(SIGHS) My God.

The weekend, it just can't come fast enough.

(CHUCKLES) How about, I can barely...

B, E, A, R, ly.

-Contain my love for you. -(LAUGHING)

Oh, my God, that's great.

-(LAUGHING) -Oh, my God, that's great.

-She's so stupid. -(BOTH LAUGHING)

Hey, guys, you know what I can barely contain?

My (BLEEP) fists in your faces.

(BOTH GROAN)

Mike?

(DOOR OPENS)

You can put your stuff upstairs, I guess.

Since you live here now, forever.

(SNIFFING)

Well, we got married.

-What? -What are you talking about?

She was right. They were making fun of her.

I felt so bad. So I said I was the secret admirer.

And I said I loved her from afar.

And now I love her up-close.

And then I asked her to marry me.

And then we went to the courthouse and got married.

And then we stopped by her place

and I got a bunch of her shit, and then we came here.

I still don't understand why you got married?

I don't know, I panicked. I shouldn't be doing mysteries by myself.

(BLEEP) man! What the (BLEEP) are we going to do?

(ALARM BLARING)

Oh, thank goodness it was just a dream.

(GLADIS URINATING)

(SNORING)

Well, maybe I can grow to love her.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Hey, this is Mark Starwars calling you back from

the Data Information Technology Storage Solution.