Original subtitles

(THEME SONG PLAYING)

Oh!

Look at this darling crudite plate you've put together.

Don't mind if I do. (SQUEALS)

Well, I mind if you do.

We're bringing this to the neighbor's house tonight.

-What neighbors? -The ones down on the corner.

They invited us to dinner tonight.

Who invited us to dinner tonight?

Apparently, our neighbors.

And what corner are you talking about?

The one towards the freeway, the ones with the big driveway.

The Goodmans. John Goodman.

-John Goodman, the actor? -Huh?

Our neighbor is John Goodman, the actor?

I don't know what he does for a living.

He's the guy from Roseanne.

He's in all those Coen Brother movies.

Argo.

Argo wasn't a Coen Brothers movie.

You better bet your butt it was.

Takes place in Fargo, North Dakota.

The Coen Brother wife won an Academy Award.

You better look it up, man. It's called Fargo.

Right, but you said "Argo.'

Right. And John Goodman is in it. Look it up.

Well, this is exciting. And it's tonight?

PIGEON: What's tonight?

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

-What was that? -Oh, the applause?

I had that installed.

The alarm guy was here

and I gave him a couple of bills to put this in.

There's a speaker under the sink.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

But, seriously, what's tonight?

We have all been invited to have dinner

in the home of none other than the great character actor, John Goodman.

Dinner at John Goodman's, huh?

I guess we shouldn't count on any leftovers.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Where are these sensors?

Oh, hey. Whose idea was it to bring these vegetables?

Not John Goodman, that's for sure.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Okay, can you turn that off?

I have a better idea.

Why don't I turn you on?

(AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING)

Ugh!

One day, I swear to God, I'm gonna break his little neck

and bury him in the backyard.

(AUDIENCE BOOING)

PIGEON: The audience does not like you, Yung.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Michael, you didn't wanna wear something different?

Oh, damn.

Well, now what are you gonna do with that?

Well, I'll just leave it here.

I bet I never have to wear that ugly-ass tracksuit again.

Ooh, nice bush.

Ugh!

Oh, hi. Welcome.

What... You're not John Goodman.

-Gil Zakaryan. -Yeah. Gil Zakaryan.

Not John Goodman.

Hey, Gil. I hope you and Helen like the crudite platter.

I'm so glad we're finally doing this.

Oh! What is that?

Oh, yeah. I didn't know what to put in that middle part

so I just did butter.

Who doesn't like butter, right?

So, Gil, what is it that you do for a living?

I was telling these guys you're in The Big Lebowski.

Oh, I'm a radiologist,

although Helen keeps asking me to retire.

She wants to travel more.

(CHUCKLES)

Well, I could see both sides.

Oh, Gil, did we already say what you did for a living?

Yes. Radiology.

That's right. Then we talked about Helen wanting to travel more.

Oh, my lord.

-Can I have another drink? -(TIMER DINGS)

What the f--- is that?

Oh, that's just telling me

to take the salmon out of the oven.

Oh, good. We're having salmon.

Does anybody else's salmon tastes weird, like,

it's fishy, like it's rotten?

(STAMMERS) It's delicious.

Yours tastes just like mine, Marquess.

I'm so sorry. I could get you something else.

No, I don't want you to have to go through a lot of trouble.

What kind of cereal do you got?

Um, we have a bran type with raisins.

I think we have granola and maybe some muesli.

I'll take the muesli.

So, Mike, what are you doing these days?

Oh, not much.

Watch reality television, hang out.

I eat, I sleep, I drive around sometimes,

I go for walks, go for runs,

fishing, hiking,

long walks on the beach just holding hands,

maybe a quiet dinner sometime.

No strings attached.

In the end, it's not the years you put in life that count,

it's the life you put in the years that count.

Um, Michael has a mystery team that we are all part of.

Mysteries? Oh, that's got to be interesting.

Nope.

You know, we've got a little mystery ourselves.

This was our son's bedroom, but when he went away to college,

we decided to convert it into a home office.

I mean, I've always wanted to write a book

about my experiences as a radiologist.

Oh, can I pre-order that?

(LAUGHS)

We just got the carpeting done.

Cost a fortune. That and those blinds.

But, Helen was in charge of all that

and I'm not supposed to ask any questions,

just write the checks. (LAUGHS)

(GROANS) Is the mystery why Helen thinks

louvered blinds are still a thing?

Oh, no. Oh, damn, I missed my mouth.

Who has a paper towel? Anyone?

I'll get it.

So, long story short...

What is the point of saying that?

No one ever says anything short enough.

And saying that takes up even more time.

Christ, why am I talking? Now I'm wasting all of our time,

and I'm sorry for that,

but at least I don't preface taking up all of our time

by saying, "I'm not gonna take up all of our time."

And yes, I'd f--- Helen.

But first, pants her,

and spank that shitty cook for that meal. (CHUCKLES)

That salmon, awful!

I mean, just awful.

I'm sorry for you, Gil.

Spent all day radiologing, whatever the f--- that is,

and then you come home to a meal like that? Awful!

That's better.

So, as I was saying,

this was going to be this home office,

and we can't get the Internet in here.

And I've called the cable company,

and they gave me a booster,

and then they reset the router,

and they say the signal is strong,

so, it's a mystery.

No Internet.

That's our mystery!

The real mystery is where your wife went

for that paper towel.

Did she go to the corner store?

I mean, if I knew she was going to the corner store,

I would've had her pick me up some rubbers

and a pack of smokes.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

What? How is that happening here?

Don't get hung up on the logic, just enjoy it.

It's fun. We're having fun.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

Here's the thing, John Goodman.

I wanna help you with your mystery, right?

I really do.

But I don't like mixing business and friendship.

You and your wife, Gil,

you guys mean the world to me, you know?

I'm not saying no.

I'm just saying let me think about it, okay?

Damn, motherf----- damn!

My crudite platter.

-Let's go, let's go! -Dad, slow down!

Why do you need your crudite platter so bad?

Yung, that was a gift from your mother.

-My mother? -What?

She left two things at my doorstep.

You and that crudite platter,

and she said, "Take equal care of both."

You've never said any of this.

What else did she say?

I don't know. After that, it was all a blur.

But I made her a promise,

and I'm gonna honor that promise

for the rest of my life.

Michael, can't we just get it tomorrow?

No. If we go over there in the light of day,

they'll want us to solve their Internet mystery,

and I don't know s--- about electronics.

And then that guy will be disappointed,

and I'll lose my only friend in the whole world.

Uh, "only friend"? What about us?

That's a one-way friendship.

You guys like me,

but with the other guy, we like each other.

He's a radiologist.

I esteem him.

All right, get down in there.

What? What for?

We'll get under their house, tunnel up,

and get the platter, and nobody'll be the wiser.

We can't just climb into a window, Marquess.

Somebody will see us. And I'm a celebrity,

and that shit will be all over TMZ, man.

And guess what then?

No more Mike Tyson Mysteries.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

What, that's not funny?

I thought... I thought that was supposed to be funny.

Here you go, little buddy.

Oh, thank you for placing me

directly into this fecal matter.

Hmm, now, what pipe would lead

directly into their living room?

Yeah, you'd think they'd be marked.

Ooh, here we go.

What? What on Earth is this?

(SOFTLY) Wait here. I'll go get the platter.

Why do they have a staircase to the sewer?

(SOFTLY) She didn't even wash it.

Do you guys hear that?

This doesn't look like 75 kilos. Explain yourself!

Is it safe to talk here?

The Feds, they can listen anywhere.

It's safe. I had signal scrambles installed.

I know it's working because we have no Internet in the room above us.

My f------ husband keeps bitching about it.

Okay. Okay.

We're having supply problems in Acuna.

Everything is going through Laredo, and it's a nightmare.

Hey, excuses are like assholes, everyone's got one.

MIKE: Oh, damn, she's a drug dealer.

Hey, policia!

You son of a...

(YELLING)

The gun battle went on for 20 minutes.

Helen, who I knew as a wife, a mother, a great cook,

a talented home decorator,

but who the Zetas cartel knew as La Diabla,

was killed.

Shot 14 times.

As a radiologist, I use imaging techniques to see

even the smallest evidence of disease,

yet as a husband I was blind

to something even more insidious.

To make a long story short...

Oh, my God.

My wife was using our home

as the cocaine distribution hub

for the entire Western United States.

The end.

He said, "The end."

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

MARQUESS: What... Michael,

you don't wanna wear something different again?

Oh. Oh, my God.

Why don't you just wear the tux

so you don't need the tracksuit?

Is this because you're trying to be James Bond?

You are, aren't you? Okay.

Take the shoes off.

Michael? Okay, there you go.

You should do that first

and then this would be a lot easier.

Do you need some help?

Hmm? Okay.

Fix your sleeve.

On your jacket. Can you fix it?

There you go... No. You didn't do it.

Michael?

So no shoes? Just a tux with white socks.

All right. It is what it is.