Original subtitles

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

DAVID: Everybody thinks the markets are rigged.

The big boys on Wall Street know something

that the average Joe on Main Street doesn't.

Sure that goes on, but... But this is something different.

This is manipulation of the market

on an unprecedented scale.

On a... On a whole other level.

Next level shit. Mmm-hmm.

Uh, yes, that's... That's right.

So for example, the stock would be available...

Could you give us an example?

-Yeah, that's what... -Go on.

(STAMMERS) Okay.

So for example, let's say we want to buy a stock at $30 a share.

Since our fund is pretty big, we'd want to buy a lot of shares.

Say, 100,000 shares.

Mmm. 100,000 shares of stock.

Uh, yes. 100,000 shares of the same stock.

MIKE: Mmm.

So we place the order.

Just like any other investor, we literally click on the button that says, "Buy."

And soon as we do it, the stock is no longer available at $30 a share.

The market would move against us.

May I borrow one of these?

Now, when you place an order, it takes about a millisecond from why you click buy

for that order to get to the exchange.

How is it that in one millisecond 100,000 shares for sale

are no longer for sale?

Were they ever really there or are they phantom shares?

That's why we asked you to come here.

Because if you can answer that question,

you just might make the market safe again,

which is what will in turn make the American economy strong again,

which will in turn save the world.

David, would you mind if I speak privately

with my colleagues for a moment?

Yeah, of course. Please.

Okay, so here's the deal.

I didn't understand any of that.

So I propose we get the (BLEEP) out of here.

MARQUESS: What?

(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)

(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)

(PRESSING BUTTON REPEATEDLY)

(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)

We've come all the way to New York, Michael.

We're not even going to try and solve the mystery?

Nope. Too hard, too boring. Right, Pigeon?

Huh, what?

Pigeon, are you listening to music?

Book on tape.

Benghazi. Man, what really went down.

What's going on? Where are we?

We're down on Wall Street, but not for long.

I'm calling the car service.

-Maybe we can go home on an earlier flight. -(DIAL TONE TRILLS)

(CARS HONKING)

You know, Mr. Tyson, I've driven you before.

You and the... You and the whole team.

I see you're still traveling with the little bird.

You know who else travels with animals? Helen Hunt.

Drove her and her little dog.

I'd love to get between the sheets with Helen Hunt.

What a body on her.

I mean, the state department. What a mess!

Hey, can I ask what you're doing in town?

Ugh. Not seeing Hamilton, apparently.

Oh, we were here for a mystery, but it wasn't a good fit.

You got 45 minutes?

Because if you've got 45 minutes,

I'll show you the biggest mystery you've ever seen in your life.

Okay. Can you please look at the road?

You see that house there?

That ugly piece of (BLEEP) that looks like it has water damage?

I bought it with my wife. This is where we were going to retire.

Six months after we close on the house, she says she wants a divorce.

She says, "I don't love you, I never loved you.

"Hit the road, Jack. Go take a walk."

-(GASPS) That's horrible! -Aw!

Eh, she was lousy in the sack anyway.

Never sucked me off. Not once.

MARQUESS: Hmm. YUNG HEE: Ugh!

LIMO DRIVER: Pardon me. I keep forgetting there's a child back there.

Sorry, I don't have a lolly for ya.

I usually keep some hard candy upfront, but uh...

-I ate them all. -(SCOFFS)

I'm sorry. Did you say the mystery and I missed it?

So I rented out the house to a family.

Decent credit, not great.

They say they don't have a dog. They have a dog.

But you pick your battles.

So now they say that the house is unsafe.

There is a phantasm in the house.

Claim the boy, nine or ten, was taken by the phantasm to the end of the universe.

(WHISTLES) Look at the cans on that one.

YUNG HEE: Well, is that them?

Get down. Everybody down.

I was supposed to get an inspection done three months ago.

There's mold everywhere.

So you want us to go to the end of the universe and get their boy back?

I just want them to start paying rent again.

I'm not going to tell you how to do your job.

If you go the end of the universe,

if you don't go to the end of the universe.

Ai-yai-yai, look at those cans.

And that caboose.

Have to remember that for later.

Jack-off time.

-MARQUESS: Ugh! -Sorry.

Pardon me.

-More tea? -MIKE: Thank you, ma'am.

This is such a blessing that you are here.

We went to the police and they were most unhelpful.

I guess when you say to the police

that a phantasmin has taken your son to the end of the universe,

they say you are crazy.

But we are not crazy.

So can you please bring back our little Raji?

(SLURPING)

Would you mind if I spoke privately

with my colleagues for a moment please?

Of course.

MARQUESS: First place, math decathlon,

first place, spelling bee.

Ah, Raji is a child prodigy.

-Okay, let's get the (BLEEP) out of here. -Dad!

I changed my mind I like the first mystery better.

This one has too many moving parts.

One dude want us to get rent money,

some other dude want us to go to the end of the universe.

(THUDDING)

Ah! Oh!

-Yeah, no. -(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)

Oh, hey! I thought you guys left.

What? I said I needed to talk to my team.

Well, it's been about three hours.

Oh, I'm sorry.

You know how long I needed to talk to my team?

You better watch that (BLEEP) attitude, Wall Street boy.

Remind me again. What was your mystery?

So when we click the button that says, "Buy,"

the stock is no longer available at $30 a share.

When you place an order, it takes about a millisecond from when...

MIKE: Oh, my God! I was right the first time.

We should have gone to the end of the universe to save that little boy.

That was the clear, obvious one to choose.

It had all the elements of a good mystery

that my audience has come to expect.

This shit? This is how shows get canceled.

So, what is happening? Are they phantom shares?

Would you mind if we go outside to discuss one aspect of this mystery?

Oh, my God!

Where the (BLEEP) are the stairs, man?

PHANTASM: Buy it. Buy it now!

It's done. Now may I go home, phantasm?

So it's all there? $35 million?

Then, yes, Raji, I have no more use for you.

-Where's my cut? -What cut?

10%. To help you.

You said I could have 10% if I give you the algorithm.

(BLEEP) you! 10%!

I'm going to the end of the universe.

But I need the money for my family.

The house is covered in mold.

So it was your algorithm that cheated the market out of billions of dollars.

Not some phantom orders?

No, it was both.

Except they were not phantom orders,

they were phantasm orders.

Hey, what's the difference between a phantom and a phantasm?

(SCOFFS) Oh, of course. Ask the only ghost in the room. (CHUCKLES)

While we're at it, why don't we just ask David

the difference between a Hasidic Jew and an Orthodox Jew?

(LAUGHS)

-Oh, I'm... I'm not Jewish. -Hmm? Oh! (HIGH-PITCHED) Oh!

(NORMAL VOICE) Oh, I'm so sorry.

I just... I assumed, you know?

Working on Wall Street, curly dark hair, prominent nose,

abrupt manner and... I'm sorry, am I still talking?

Raji! What were you saying, dear?

The phantasm said he needed the money

because the end of the universe

is the most beautiful place in existence.

And the real estate market there is incredibly tight.

He kept saying how tight it was.

He said he would need many, many millions even to get a dump.

But he's going to be very angry when he determines

that all the stock purchases he made were in my name.

You see, I knew that I was possibly dealing with a very bad man,

owing to the fact that he was a phantasm.

And that he was very angry all the time.

And that he would kidnap a young boy.

I knew it!

I (BLEEP) knew it. I didn't need to hear any of this shit.

Oh, please!

Easy to say that after this little boy just explained the entire thing.

I mean, the whole thing is such bull-(BLEEP).

Cover up, no cover up.

It's just the shit that goes with being the world's policemen.

You know what I mean?

(SIGHS) Hey, wait a second.

We are back here again? Weren't we in some Indian restaurant?

I remember smelling a bunch of curry and mildew. I'm...

I'm hungry as hell. Have we eaten yet or...

PHANTASM: What do you mean there's a problem?

Insufficient funds? That's impossible.

I'll call the bank and straighten everything out.

There's a higher offer? It's been accepted? Who made it?

Excuse me, sir.

Could you please remove yourself from our property?

What? Where am I to live?

It's $1,900 a month.

Rent's due by the 3rd, otherwise it goes up.

And I keep making it go up and up and up until you pay.

No dogs.

What's that mildew smell?

LIMO DRIVER: That's paint. I painted.

(END THEME MUSIC PLAYING)