Original subtitles

Hmm. Oh, oh! Do you think that's him?

-Where? -Right there.

That guy, the only person here.

Then, yeah, I think that's him. Hi, David!

Hi. Yes. Hi, hi. Hi. Uh...

As I said in my note, I lost my wedding ring. It's... It's here somewhere.

I was playing softball. It's getting dark and we have to find it

because my wife is gonna kill me if I don't, uh...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Before we get started, man,

we're gonna need you to fill out some paperwork, okay?

Oh, shit. I forgot the paperwork.

-I think I got it in my van. -Wait, can we just...

(PAPERS RUSTLING)

Can we just start looking? The sun's going down.

Here you go, David.

Why do you need my height and weight?

It's just standard.

What is this? Why do you need to know my hobbies?

Oh, that's for target emailing. You can skip that,

or just put "ice skating".

My yearly income? What... What does that have to do with anything?

Oh, just simple curiosity.

Uh...

Here. I could only remember the address of the last two places I lived.

Okay. This all looks to be in order.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. You don't want our newsletter?

No, I don't want a newsletter.

Are you sure?

Because it's chock-full of tips and tit-bits.

Information, riddles.

-Fine. -You just gotta check this box.

Okay. Let's start looking for that ring.

Now, what this wedding ring got on it?

Emeralds? Rubies? A bunch of sapphires?

Encrusted with a bunch of like... Emeralds?

What? No. It's... It's just a plain gold band.

Really? With this yearly salary?

You gotta treat yourself, David!

You can't spend all this money when you're dead.

Well, I'm gonna be dead if I can't find my wedding ring, so can we please,

-please start looking? -I don't know. Can we, David?

I think you mean, may we start looking?

(CHUCKLES) Oh, my God. This is great.

(HUMMING)

(GASPS) Ahhh!

Make a wish...

(CHUCKLES) Ah, this is a nice mystery.

An outdoors one. Get a little sun, vitamin D.

(SIGHS) Oh, I played field hockey.

Did I ever tell you that? I was a sweeper.

Yeah. We were the Knight's Bridge Owls.

Ah, we were good. We weren't great, but we were good. (CHUCKLES)

But the stories I could tell... (CHUCKLES)

One night, we got all of our clothes...

-PIGEON: Found it. -Where?

PIGEON: Found it, guys.

Oh, thank God. Really?

No. (LAUGHS)

(CRIES)

Oh, jeez. Nobody gets my humor.

(SOBBING) Forget it, forget it, we're never gonna find it.

I'm dead. I am dead. I'm a dead man. Elizabeth is gonna kill me.

Well, I'm sure she'll understand.

You don't know my wife!

I know your wife. (LAUGHS)

Because I (BLEEP) her. Right in the rear.

-My God. -Oh, come on, it's a joke.

In what world? In what world?

(ENGINE STOPS)

I just... I... I can't go in there.

I am so scared.

David, this is your wife, your partner. She's gonna understand.

A marriage needs to be able to withstand life's little disappointments.

People make mistakes. You're not perfect. You're human.

You're right. You're right. No, I, argh...

I just got myself so wound up. (CHUCKLING)

(EXHALING)

Thank you. I'm really glad that I wrote to you guys.

(DOOR CLOSES)

And I'm looking forward to getting the newsletter! (LAUGHS)

What? (GASPS) His ring!

Ah! It must've been in his pocket the whole time.

Oh, my God. What a (BLEEP) idiot.

What are you doing? Go, give him his ring!

DAVID: Elizabeth...

Hmm. No, no!

You know what? (CLEARS THROAT) This is a teachable moment for David. Hmm?

He has to learn that disappointment

will not bring about the end of a rela...

-(GUNSHOT) -(GASPS)

Hmm.

Sure sounds like the end of a relationship.

(GUNSHOTS CONTINUE)

(PANTING)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Well, let's get outta here.

Did that mystery. And let's just get on to the next one.

Okay. Out with the old, in with the new.

-Dad, we witnessed a murder. -"Dear Mike Tyson Mystery team..."

-Dad... -Damn, it's too dark out here.

Let's go inside.

(SIGHING)

Oh, I just can't shake this awful feeling that

I somehow led this man to his death.

Well, you did. I mean,

he said, "My wife's gonna kill me," and you said,

"No, she's not. Go inside," and she shot him,

several times.

I bet you could be held criminally responsible.

I mean, I'm not a lawyer, but I bet you could go to prison for a long time,

-or be put to death. -(GASPS)

We got that death penalty here in Nevada?

I... I think we do.

They're gonna give you that lethal cocktail.

It never works. You'll be writhing around.

(BLEEP) This is bad, Marquess. This is really bad.

What? We were all there. This isn't my fault.

(GASPS) Oh, God. I still have his ring.

I have to get rid of this evidence.

(GRUNTS)

Oh, God. What am I thinking? That's not gonna work.

-(GASPS) -(SPLASHING)

(GASPING)

I gotta take this somewhere.

I've gotta put it someplace no one can find it.

You're not gonna see me for a while.

Don't try to contact me.

Okie-doke!

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

None of this would be happening if I had just

given him the (BLEEP) ring, Marquess. Just give him the (BLEEP) ring.

They're not gonna let me walk.

I'm an accessory to murder. I don't even (BLEEP) know what that means.

(GASPS) Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Yes!

I'll throw it into a vat of molten lava and be done with all of it.

(HORNS HONKING)

Son of a bitch! How does he drive this thing?

It's all blind spots. It's like driving a living room.

(LAVA BOILING)

(PANTING)

What? (GASPS)

Is that... David's wife?

(GASPS) She's getting rid of the murder weapon.

Oh, someone needs to stop her.

(GASPS)

(GRUNTS)

(BOTH GRUNTING)

-Elizabeth, give me... -(SCREAMS)

(GROANS) Help me! Please!

I don't wanna die.

Oh, really? Well, I bet David didn't wanna die, either.

Ahhh! No, no, no. No, no! No, please!

You murdering bitch!

No. No, no! Please! No. (SCREAMS)

(GASPING)

Oh, my God! My, God. So awful.

(ELIZABETH SHRIEKING)

Uh, why is it taking so long?

Stop thrashing! Elizabeth, just go under and stop.

You do not want to be saved at this point.

MARQUESS: There you go. Ah, ah. Okay. Almost.

(LAVA SPLASHING)

MARQUESS: Okay. It's over.

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

Are you sure about this, Marquess?

Michael, absolutely.

I'm just gonna tell them what happened.

I have no regrets about what I did,

and I think, if it comes to it, a jury of my peers will exonerate me.

My conscience is clear.

(SIGHS)

What, you disagree?

No. It's just, I feel gypped.

You said we're "not gonna see you for a while,"

and at most it was like four hours! It just...

I don't know. It's just disappointing.

(HUMMING)

(GASPS) David?

Oh... Uh, hi.

(STUTTERS)

You're alive!

No, no! We heard gunshots.

(STUTTERING) Oh, oh, no... I mean, yes. Okay. Here's what happened.

I walked in.

I was nervous, but I really took to heart what you said,

so I just told her the truth. I said, "Elizabeth, I lost my wedding ring."

She flipped out. She ripped open a drawer and she took out her gun,

and she pointed it at me and fired and she missed.

And in that moment, I saw something.

I saw something in her eyes. It was...

Love.

Regret, shame.

She pointed the gun at the floor and she fired it,

over and over, until it was empty.

She said she was getting rid of the gun.

"Forever," she said.

And that when she got back,

we could start over.

We kissed.

She drove off.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

But she didn't come back,

so I came here to file a missing persons report,

but they said it hasn't been enough time.

I'm sure I'm overreacting. (CHUCKLES)

She'll come home, right?

Oh. Um...

Mmm-hmm. Yeah, yeah. Just be patient.

And you know, if she didn't come back... (CHUCKLES)

That also wouldn't be the end of the world, you know?

What? No! No, if she didn't come back, I would kill myself.

Oh, okay.

Well, then I'm sure she'll... (CLEARS THROAT) Come back.

(EXHALING) Well, I should go.

-What, uh, what were you doing here? -Hmm?

(STUTTERING) What? Oh, uh, what?

Oh, this isn't Lord and Taylor.

What the...

-You're back already? -What'd they say?

Oh, they just said, "Thanks for coming in. Sounds good. These things happen."

And, uh, yeah, let's get the (BLEEP) out of here.

(LAVA BOILING)

(THEME SONG PLAYING)

Well, would you like to see my wedding ring?

(GIGGLING)