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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,967 --> 00:00:03,337 (THEME MUSIC PLAYING) 2 00:00:09,676 --> 00:00:11,236 We're here. 3 00:00:13,513 --> 00:00:15,013 -Hey, wake up. -(EXCLAIMS) 4 00:00:15,016 --> 00:00:16,916 Oh, man, did you vomit in my car? 5 00:00:16,917 --> 00:00:18,617 (GROANS) What? 6 00:00:18,619 --> 00:00:20,919 DRIVER: Did you vomit in my car, mother (BLEEP)? 7 00:00:20,921 --> 00:00:23,821 PIGEON: I don't... What? DRIVER: Get the (BLEEP) out of my car, mother (BLEEP)! 8 00:00:23,824 --> 00:00:25,024 PIGEON: Okay, okay. 9 00:00:25,026 --> 00:00:27,526 -Get out! -Okay! 10 00:00:27,528 --> 00:00:29,998 -Just give me a (BLEEP) second. -Get out! 11 00:00:29,997 --> 00:00:32,767 -PIGEON: Give me a (BLEEP) second! -(OBJECTS CLATTERING) 12 00:00:32,767 --> 00:00:34,127 Oh, no. 13 00:00:34,135 --> 00:00:35,795 Oh, I don't feel so good. (GAGS) 14 00:00:35,803 --> 00:00:37,243 -Hey, don't you throw up again. -(GRUNTS) 15 00:00:37,238 --> 00:00:38,798 Oh, I'm not going to throw... 16 00:00:38,806 --> 00:00:39,966 I'm not going to, don't worry. 17 00:00:39,974 --> 00:00:41,644 Oh, just let me... 18 00:00:41,642 --> 00:00:43,312 Ah, oh yeah! 19 00:00:43,310 --> 00:00:46,180 -(PIGEON SIGHS) -(BLEEP) damn it, you (BLEEP) piece of (BLEEP)! 20 00:00:46,180 --> 00:00:50,580 -Get out! -Okay, okay, I'm out! Okay? 21 00:00:51,017 --> 00:00:52,317 Okay. 22 00:00:59,793 --> 00:01:02,663 -(KEYS JANGLING) -PIGEON: Oh, son of a bitch! 23 00:01:02,663 --> 00:01:04,863 Come on, man! 24 00:01:04,865 --> 00:01:08,125 -(BLEEP) -(DOOR UNLOCKING) 25 00:01:08,135 --> 00:01:10,535 -(ALARM RINGING) -Ah, (BLEEP) damn it! 26 00:01:11,204 --> 00:01:13,444 (STRAINING) 27 00:01:14,140 --> 00:01:15,740 Okay. 28 00:01:15,743 --> 00:01:18,743 -Okay, what the hell is his birthday anyways? -(KEYPAD BEEPS) 29 00:01:19,512 --> 00:01:20,412 (BUZZES) 30 00:01:20,414 --> 00:01:22,824 -(ALARM BLARING) -Mother (BLEEP). 31 00:01:24,951 --> 00:01:26,651 Oh...(SIGHS) 32 00:01:26,654 --> 00:01:27,724 (THUDS) 33 00:01:28,888 --> 00:01:30,118 (DOOR OPENS) 34 00:01:30,124 --> 00:01:31,994 MIKE: Whoever broke into my house, 35 00:01:31,992 --> 00:01:33,632 you just made the worst mistake of your mother (BLEEP) life. 36 00:01:33,627 --> 00:01:36,197 Who's in the house? Dad, what's going on? 37 00:01:39,065 --> 00:01:40,495 It's just Pigeon. 38 00:01:41,601 --> 00:01:43,701 Yung, what the (BLEEP) is my birthday? 39 00:01:43,704 --> 00:01:45,174 June 30th! 40 00:01:45,172 --> 00:01:46,612 No, in computer. 41 00:01:46,607 --> 00:01:49,037 0-6-3-0. 42 00:01:49,043 --> 00:01:51,643 (KEYPAD BEEPS) 43 00:01:51,645 --> 00:01:53,775 -(ALARM TURNS OFF) -MARQUESS: (EXCLAIMS) What is going on? 44 00:01:53,781 --> 00:01:56,321 -No, it's okay. It was just Pigeon. -Oh. 45 00:01:56,317 --> 00:01:58,217 Marquess, is everything okay? 46 00:01:58,219 --> 00:02:00,289 Yes, Daniel, everything's fine. 47 00:02:00,287 --> 00:02:02,617 Everyone, you remember Daniel, my, um... 48 00:02:02,623 --> 00:02:03,823 My friend. 49 00:02:03,824 --> 00:02:05,464 (MARQUESS CLEARS THROAT) 50 00:02:05,459 --> 00:02:08,829 Okay. Daniel, yeah, you can go back to bed. 51 00:02:08,829 --> 00:02:10,859 I mean, you know. 52 00:02:10,865 --> 00:02:12,595 (CHUCKLES) I mean, you... To sleep on the couch, the one that's in my room, 53 00:02:12,600 --> 00:02:14,470 the one that you fell asleep on, 54 00:02:14,468 --> 00:02:16,798 you know, when we were just, um... 55 00:02:16,804 --> 00:02:18,744 Playing, uh... 56 00:02:20,006 --> 00:02:21,866 Mmm, poker? 57 00:02:21,876 --> 00:02:27,276 Yeah, we were playing poker and, um. Oh, it got late, and, um... 58 00:02:27,281 --> 00:02:30,221 He fell asleep on the couch that's in my room. 59 00:02:31,651 --> 00:02:34,251 Oh, my God! What happened to him? 60 00:02:35,788 --> 00:02:37,858 VETERINARIAN: Okay, here's the deal. 61 00:02:37,858 --> 00:02:40,058 We've cleaned the bird up, we've noticed a lot of lacerations, 62 00:02:40,060 --> 00:02:42,760 one would require stitches to close, but the, um... 63 00:02:42,763 --> 00:02:44,763 The larger issue is the broken wing. 64 00:02:44,765 --> 00:02:47,265 The radius was shattered and the ulna has two fractures in it. 65 00:02:47,268 --> 00:02:50,838 Now, I can set the bone and put what is essentially a cast on the wing, 66 00:02:50,838 --> 00:02:53,238 and there's a decent chance at a full recovery. 67 00:02:53,240 --> 00:02:55,270 But that is going to run you about $650. 68 00:02:55,276 --> 00:02:58,276 -So, most people just elect to euthanize the animal. -(GASPS) 69 00:02:58,279 --> 00:03:00,079 Which I'm happy to do. It's your choice. 70 00:03:00,080 --> 00:03:02,310 You know, a family dog, obviously, people would say that's worth it, 71 00:03:02,316 --> 00:03:05,016 but, I mean, this is just a pigeon, so... 72 00:03:05,019 --> 00:03:06,649 All right, if you say so. 73 00:03:06,654 --> 00:03:08,324 -Go ahead and put him down. -Michael! 74 00:03:08,322 --> 00:03:09,592 -That's free, right? -Dad! 75 00:03:09,590 --> 00:03:12,120 What? Everybody says I spend money foolishly, 76 00:03:12,126 --> 00:03:14,656 and this guy says it costs 650 bucks. 77 00:03:14,662 --> 00:03:18,732 It's not worth it, unless it's a dog or something, shit. 78 00:03:18,732 --> 00:03:19,932 No, we'll pay. 79 00:03:19,934 --> 00:03:23,074 Oh, okay. Uh, let me go stop Kelly then. 80 00:03:23,070 --> 00:03:24,570 VETERINARIAN: Kelly! 81 00:03:26,506 --> 00:03:28,366 How are you feeling? 82 00:03:29,909 --> 00:03:33,309 The doctor said you're going to make a full recovery. 83 00:03:33,314 --> 00:03:35,654 No, he said there's a chance. 84 00:03:35,649 --> 00:03:36,679 What happened? 85 00:03:36,684 --> 00:03:39,024 I don't want to talk about this. 86 00:03:39,019 --> 00:03:40,849 All right, we respect your... 87 00:03:40,854 --> 00:03:43,424 Okay, I'll tell you about it. Here's what happened. 88 00:03:43,424 --> 00:03:45,594 I answered an ad on Craigslist. 89 00:03:45,593 --> 00:03:47,863 "Casual encounters," "woman for man," 90 00:03:47,861 --> 00:03:51,761 subject, "Large Labia Lovers Only." 91 00:03:51,765 --> 00:03:52,655 Oh, my God. 92 00:03:52,666 --> 00:03:54,826 Yeah, it got my attention too. 93 00:03:54,835 --> 00:03:58,465 "Bring cash," it said. Obviously, a whore. 94 00:03:58,472 --> 00:04:04,282 But I love large labias so, what was I supposed to do? 95 00:04:04,278 --> 00:04:07,608 So, I got a room at a shitty motel, got real drunk. 96 00:04:07,615 --> 00:04:09,745 I hear a knock at the door, I open it. 97 00:04:09,750 --> 00:04:12,480 And what do you know, huh? A big guy, 98 00:04:12,486 --> 00:04:14,516 thick Russian accent standing there. 99 00:04:14,521 --> 00:04:15,791 (IMITATES RUSSIAN ACCENT) "Give me your money." 100 00:04:15,789 --> 00:04:17,389 (NORMAL VOICE) Then he stepped on me 101 00:04:17,391 --> 00:04:19,991 with his dumb (BLEEP) fake cowboy boots. 102 00:04:19,994 --> 00:04:24,104 He beat the shit out of me. He took my money. 103 00:04:24,098 --> 00:04:28,728 Thankfully he didn't see my cell phone so, I could call a ride home. 104 00:04:28,736 --> 00:04:33,906 Oh, hell, I've got to give that driver no stars. 105 00:04:33,907 --> 00:04:35,137 (CHUCKLES) 106 00:04:35,142 --> 00:04:36,982 (IMITATES DRIVER) "Don't throw up in my car." 107 00:04:36,977 --> 00:04:38,777 (BLEEP) you! 108 00:04:38,779 --> 00:04:42,549 But anyways, (STAMMERS) I really don't want to talk about it. 109 00:04:42,549 --> 00:04:46,249 Okay, Pigeon. But whenever you're ready to tell us what happened to you 110 00:04:46,253 --> 00:04:48,023 we'll be right here for you. 111 00:04:49,689 --> 00:04:51,459 "Dear Mike Tyson Mystery Team, 112 00:04:51,458 --> 00:04:54,888 "I was gonna transfer all of my old home movies onto a DVD 113 00:04:54,895 --> 00:04:56,495 "but the guy at the computer store told me 114 00:04:56,497 --> 00:04:58,957 "I should just put them all on the cloud. 115 00:04:58,966 --> 00:05:00,426 "I'm very confused. 116 00:05:00,434 --> 00:05:02,704 "Also, I think I already have the cloud, 117 00:05:02,703 --> 00:05:05,143 "but I forgot my password, I think. 118 00:05:05,139 --> 00:05:07,369 "God Bless, Thomas Hollinger." 119 00:05:07,374 --> 00:05:09,074 "God bless"? 120 00:05:09,076 --> 00:05:11,576 Ooh, this sounds like a good one. To the Mystery Mobile! 121 00:05:11,578 --> 00:05:14,108 You guys have fun. 122 00:05:14,114 --> 00:05:16,454 What? Why are you not going? 123 00:05:16,450 --> 00:05:17,980 I'm still recovering. 124 00:05:19,819 --> 00:05:22,549 Mmm! Ah, yeah! 125 00:05:22,556 --> 00:05:24,886 (GASPS) Pigeon! It's been six months! 126 00:05:24,892 --> 00:05:29,662 You're fully recovered, and you need to stop taking those pain pills. 127 00:05:29,663 --> 00:05:33,233 (SIGHS) I'm in pain, asshole. 128 00:05:33,233 --> 00:05:35,803 That's because you haven't done anything the doctor said. 129 00:05:35,803 --> 00:05:37,603 You're supposed to be using your wing. 130 00:05:37,604 --> 00:05:42,014 I use my wing plenty, no thanks to any of you. 131 00:05:42,009 --> 00:05:43,939 Well, except for Marquess. 132 00:05:43,944 --> 00:05:47,984 Marquess was the only one who would jack me off with any regularity. 133 00:05:47,981 --> 00:05:49,751 And I thank you, Marquess. 134 00:05:49,750 --> 00:05:51,750 No! Ew! No! No! 135 00:05:51,752 --> 00:05:56,052 I think Yung's point was you need to be doing some kind of physical therapy. 136 00:05:56,056 --> 00:05:58,256 You know, Daniel is a healer. 137 00:05:58,258 --> 00:06:00,428 Who the (BLEEP) is Daniel? 138 00:06:00,427 --> 00:06:02,457 What? Daniel is my boy... 139 00:06:02,463 --> 00:06:05,363 Poker buddy. My poker buddy. 140 00:06:05,366 --> 00:06:09,126 And he's very gifted and has helped a lot of people. 141 00:06:09,136 --> 00:06:10,766 You should go see him. 142 00:06:10,771 --> 00:06:13,241 Let me think about it... No. 143 00:06:13,240 --> 00:06:15,040 -(CHUCKLES) -Do it, Pigeon. 144 00:06:15,042 --> 00:06:18,182 Or come with us and help solve the mystery of the home video. 145 00:06:18,178 --> 00:06:19,878 Criminy, that's the choice? 146 00:06:19,880 --> 00:06:22,680 They ought to give people when they want to go to rehab, 147 00:06:22,683 --> 00:06:25,823 you'd cure drug addiction overnight in this country. 148 00:06:26,619 --> 00:06:28,849 Mystery of the home videos... 149 00:06:28,856 --> 00:06:30,656 (BLEEPING) 150 00:06:30,657 --> 00:06:32,957 (SIGHS) All right. Give me your boy... 151 00:06:32,960 --> 00:06:37,130 I mean your poker buddy's number. 152 00:06:42,435 --> 00:06:44,735 Hey, Pigeon. Where you at? You home? 153 00:06:44,738 --> 00:06:46,738 Yeah, yeah, I'm home. 154 00:06:46,740 --> 00:06:49,610 And not just physically, I'm emotionally home. 155 00:06:49,610 --> 00:06:53,110 Ha! Like, for the first time in my life, everything feels... 156 00:06:53,113 --> 00:06:56,483 (SIGHS) Congruous. 157 00:06:56,483 --> 00:06:58,223 (CHUCKLES) Does that make any sense? 158 00:06:58,218 --> 00:07:00,988 Cool, cool. Okay. I need you to go over to the computer, 159 00:07:00,988 --> 00:07:04,218 and see if you can get this guy's home video up on the cloud. 160 00:07:04,224 --> 00:07:07,864 I'm going to send you a link and you click on to the link. 161 00:07:07,861 --> 00:07:10,101 Tell me when you're there. We're at this guy's house 162 00:07:10,097 --> 00:07:13,727 way up in the Ruby Mountains and there's like no reception, 163 00:07:13,734 --> 00:07:15,734 so if we lose you, just call back. 164 00:07:15,736 --> 00:07:19,266 But I'll probably won't be able to pick up because there's no reception. 165 00:07:19,273 --> 00:07:20,613 You there yet? 166 00:07:20,607 --> 00:07:22,107 Yeah, I'm here. 167 00:07:22,109 --> 00:07:25,679 -MIKE: You see the cloud? -Uh, yes. 168 00:07:25,679 --> 00:07:28,779 -You see all the videos on the cloud? -PIGEON: Yes. 169 00:07:28,782 --> 00:07:31,552 MIKE: Okay, click on one and make sure it's working. 170 00:07:31,552 --> 00:07:35,552 I don't trust the cloud. You know why? Because I don't understand the cloud. 171 00:07:35,556 --> 00:07:37,356 It's like everybody made fun of Warren Buffett 172 00:07:37,357 --> 00:07:40,927 because he didn't invest in those damn dot-com companies. 173 00:07:40,928 --> 00:07:42,788 Everybody was making all that money, 174 00:07:42,796 --> 00:07:45,256 and he said it's because he didn't understand 175 00:07:45,265 --> 00:07:48,125 those dot-com companies. And he didn't understand why 176 00:07:48,135 --> 00:07:50,965 they were valued so high, so he didn't invest. 177 00:07:50,971 --> 00:07:54,671 But nobody was laughing when the dot-com company crash happened. 178 00:07:54,675 --> 00:07:56,435 Nobody but Warren Buffett. 179 00:07:56,443 --> 00:07:58,213 So, (BLEEP) that cloud. 180 00:07:58,212 --> 00:08:02,282 Until I understand that cloud, I'm going to stay off that cloud. 181 00:08:02,282 --> 00:08:04,082 Uh, Mike... 182 00:08:04,084 --> 00:08:06,554 It's like what happened in the dot-com crash. 183 00:08:06,553 --> 00:08:07,953 You ever heard of Warren Buffett? 184 00:08:07,955 --> 00:08:10,015 Let me tell you a story about Warren Buffett. 185 00:08:10,023 --> 00:08:12,163 Mike, you have got to get out of that house. 186 00:08:12,159 --> 00:08:13,959 MIKE: What did you say? Get out of my blouse? 187 00:08:13,961 --> 00:08:16,501 Take off my blouse? (BLEEP), Pigeon, 188 00:08:16,497 --> 00:08:18,697 it's not that kind of phone call, man. 189 00:08:18,699 --> 00:08:20,199 You're a sex addict. 190 00:08:20,200 --> 00:08:22,670 Oh, for God's sakes, get out of there! 191 00:08:23,469 --> 00:08:26,569 Hello? Hello? Hello? 192 00:08:28,007 --> 00:08:29,167 (DIALING) 193 00:08:29,176 --> 00:08:30,806 (LING RINGING) 194 00:08:30,811 --> 00:08:33,511 -MIKE: (OVER PHONE) Hello? -Mike! Mike, can you hear me? 195 00:08:33,514 --> 00:08:35,384 You have to get out of that house! 196 00:08:35,382 --> 00:08:39,152 -MIKE: Hello? -Mike, the guy is a murderer! 197 00:08:39,152 --> 00:08:41,992 MIKE: Got you! Now leave a message before I knock you out. 198 00:08:41,989 --> 00:08:43,589 -(ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS) -(PIGEON SIGHS) 199 00:08:45,892 --> 00:08:48,262 Ruby Mountain Sheriff's Office. 200 00:08:48,262 --> 00:08:50,732 -(TELEPHONE RINGS) -Ruby Mountain Sheriff's Office, 201 00:08:50,731 --> 00:08:52,261 Deputy Bainbridge talking. 202 00:08:52,266 --> 00:08:54,526 PIGEON: (OVER PHONE) Yeah. Yeah, listen. 203 00:08:54,535 --> 00:08:56,535 You got a guy named Thomas Hollinger who lives up in those mountains. 204 00:08:56,537 --> 00:08:58,497 DEPUTY BAINBRIDGE: Oh, yeah. He's that creepy fellow 205 00:08:58,505 --> 00:09:00,105 that lives way up at the tippy top of the mountain. 206 00:09:00,107 --> 00:09:01,767 Well, you've got to get up there 207 00:09:01,775 --> 00:09:04,005 because he's about to murder a bunch of people. 208 00:09:04,011 --> 00:09:07,011 Well if that's true, and I'm not saying it's not, 209 00:09:07,014 --> 00:09:09,684 it'd take us about six hours to get up there. 210 00:09:09,683 --> 00:09:11,053 PIGEON: Six hours? 211 00:09:11,051 --> 00:09:13,621 Well, with all them twisty-turny roads... 212 00:09:13,620 --> 00:09:17,420 Of course, it's only about 15 minutes as the crow flies. 213 00:09:17,424 --> 00:09:19,664 (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS) 214 00:09:23,396 --> 00:09:25,026 (EXCLAIMS) 215 00:09:25,032 --> 00:09:26,602 (SIGHS) 216 00:09:26,600 --> 00:09:29,940 Okay, (BLEEP) it. Worse comes to worse, I commit suicide. 217 00:09:32,438 --> 00:09:34,438 (SCREAMING) 218 00:09:34,441 --> 00:09:35,941 Oh! 219 00:09:37,109 --> 00:09:39,679 Oh, my God! I'm flying! 220 00:09:40,112 --> 00:09:43,012 I'm free! 221 00:09:43,016 --> 00:09:45,316 (INDISTINCT TALKING OVER RADIO) 222 00:09:47,687 --> 00:09:49,647 (SIREN BLARING) 223 00:09:51,390 --> 00:09:52,760 You saved our lives, Pigeon. 224 00:09:52,759 --> 00:09:55,689 Now let's get the (BLEEP) out of here. 225 00:09:55,696 --> 00:09:57,556 Aren't you coming? 226 00:09:57,564 --> 00:10:01,204 (LAUGHS) You know, the old me would make a joke about ejaculating. 227 00:10:01,201 --> 00:10:04,901 But the new me, the one who's mind and body are in harmony, 228 00:10:04,905 --> 00:10:06,835 will just answer the question. 229 00:10:06,840 --> 00:10:09,040 No, I am not coming... 230 00:10:09,042 --> 00:10:10,742 In the van. 231 00:10:10,744 --> 00:10:13,954 (CHUCKLES) Oh, God, that already sounds like an ejaculation joke. 232 00:10:13,947 --> 00:10:17,677 No, no, no. I'm not getting in the van with you 233 00:10:17,684 --> 00:10:21,094 because I'm flying! 234 00:10:21,088 --> 00:10:23,658 I'll see you back at the house. 235 00:10:23,657 --> 00:10:27,257 Hey, I love you guys! 236 00:10:29,228 --> 00:10:32,658 I wonder if Pigeon sees that red-tail hawk flying towards him? 237 00:10:32,666 --> 00:10:34,696 (HAWK SCREECHES) 238 00:10:34,701 --> 00:10:36,301 (BREATHING HEAVILY) 239 00:10:38,137 --> 00:10:40,067 $825? 240 00:10:40,073 --> 00:10:43,643 Then I think maybe this time we just put him down. 241 00:10:43,644 --> 00:10:45,884 (INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING) 242 00:10:53,586 --> 00:10:55,046 This is an awesome bird. 243 00:10:55,055 --> 00:10:56,815 You're holding me too tight, man. 244 00:10:56,823 --> 00:10:58,923 -Female, huh? -What? 18955

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