Original subtitles

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(SINISTER MUSIC PLAYING)

(THUNDER CRACKING)

Thank God, you're here.

Dean Hutchinson is waiting for you in his office. This way.

How long has the boy been missing?

We don't know exactly.

We only started looking when he failed to show up for classes this morning.

It's most upsetting.

Please, the Dean's office is just up these stairs.

You guys got a bathroom?

Oh, yes. Uh, we just passed it.

Here, let me show you.

-Here you are. -Thank you.

I'm sure he'll just be a minute.

(THUNDER CRACKING)

Um...

(PHONE BUZZING)

-(PHONE BEEPS) -MIKE: Hey, Deezy. What's up, fool?

Hey, what up, Mike? How's my number one client?

Chilling, working on a mystery.

Cool, where you at?

I think New England, Connecticut or some (BLEEP).

No, no, no. I mean right now.

I mean it sounds echoey.

-Like... Like you in the bathroom. -MIKE: Not at all.

Where are you?

Oh, I'm at a business dinner.

You know, upscale steakhouse, like a Ruth's Chris, like that level.

That's cool. What you want, Deezy?

I'm just checking your availability to co-host The View.

First week of December.

It's looking like Tuesday the 3rd,

but it might have to be Wednesday the 4th,

depending on when they can get Dakota Fanning.

Who's she again?

She's the lady from Fifty Shades of Grey.

(TOILET FLUSHING OVER PHONE)

-Hey, what was that? -I just flushed the toilet

because I took a shit while we were talking.

Oh, that's cool. That's cool, that's cool.

So when do you think you're going to have this mystery wrapped up?

Just so I'm abreast of your schedule.

I don't know, Deezy, we're about to meet the Dean

and then I'll have a better idea.

So, what's going on with you?

You going back to Michigan for Thanksgiving?

Saint Louis? Why are you going to Saint Louis?

You're from Saint Louis?

How come this whole time I thought you were from Michigan?

Why didn't you say nothing when I got you that Megatron jersey?

Didn't want to make me feel bad?

You can make me feel bad, that's what friends are for.

Of course, I consider you a friend!

Could one of you maybe please go in and get him?

This is really quite urgent.

It sounds like he's...

Almost done.

MIKE: Hold on, Deezy, I've got another call.

It's George Lopez. We've been playing phone tag.

Okay, well, call me after you get done.

No, no, no, stay on, I'll...

I'll merge the call.

(PHONE BEEPS)

Shit, I think I forgot how to merge a call.

If I hang up on you just call me back.

No, don't call me back. That'll (BLEEP) up my call.

Okay, hold on.

-(PHONE BEEPS) -Here we go.

George, are you there?

Deezy, are you there too?

Oh, hell yeah, I did it!

Oh, (BLEEP), my phone's about to die.

To think that he could be somewhere out there

in that cold and rain.

A young boy...

Did you contact the police?

We were hoping to avoid that, you see.

This is a delicate matter

owing to who the boy's mother is.

Who is his mother?

United States Senator Elaine Fitzpatrick.

Not that one child is any more precious than another,

but obviously the publicity involved in something like this

could be terribly damaging for Foxcroft Academy.

You know, institutions such as Foxcroft are increasingly rare,

for it is we alone who demand

a strict adherence to traditional educational standards

in curricula which have scarcely changed in more than 200 years.

Okay,

I have a question that no one has bothered to ask.

Has anyone thought of calling the police?

Uh, I already asked that question.

I see. Then we don't have much time.

Oh, and one final question.

Tell me what happened

that you are just meeting us for the first time

and we are all just now listening.

-(INDISTINCT CHATTERING) -(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)

This is a stupid idea.

No one's gonna believe I'm a boy.

(CHUCKLING) No, of course not.

It's not funny! What about my breasts?

I mean, don't we need to bind them or something?

(CHUCKLES) Your breasts?

By God, you have serious body dysmorphia!

What exactly do you think you look like?

Dad, this is never going to work.

I don't look like a boy.

Young man, stop dabbing in the hallway

like a foolish boy and get to class!

You could never become the man you're meant to be

if you keep acting like the boy you are.

Oh, my God.

There's a good boy!

Look at that manly walk.

There goes a Foxcroft lad.

Please don't let this be an omen about poor Timothy.

Here, boy! (CLICKING TONGUE)

Come on, here, boy! (CLICKING TONGUE)

He's not a dog!

Maybe we're going about this all wrong.

Oh, I'm sure of that.

While the rest of the kids are in class,

maybe we should go check out Timothy's dorm room,

we may find some clues.

-Or money or something. -(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

(BOY LAUGHS)

Okay, I found out something.

Oh, good. What is it?

Okay, uh, there's a tradition

that all the first years do,

where they go out in the woods behind the school at night and they have a party.

Mmm! Well, that sounds fun.

No, it's not a regular party. It's a...

Um, I don't want to say it. It's...

It's a...

Jack-off party, okay?

They call it a jack-off party.

Still sounds fun. What?

What the (BLEEP) is a jack-off party?

Apparently, it's a party where all the boys, you know,

jack-off.

And I guess curfew's at 11:00, so they all stopped at 10:45, so they could get back,

except Timothy who just kept going.

They said they tried to get him to stop, but he refused, so,

they just left him in the woods

to jack-off.

For a person who seems incredibly uncomfortable saying, "Jack-off,"

it seems weird you threw in that last one.

So did anyone go looking for him this morning?

Yes, and he wasn't there.

I bet a bear ate him.

Aren't bears attracted to semen?

I know sharks are.

I learned that the hard way.

Well, let's go.

Ah, Michael!

What are you talking about?

We got to get ready for Thanksgiving.

I got this talk show appearance coming up.

Next thing you know, it's Christmas.

This is just a crazy time of the year, man.

Let's get out of here.

A boy is missing!

I said we're out of here, Marquess!

Now shut the (BLEEP) up,

get in the (BLEEP) van and let's get the (BLEEP) out of here.

Oh, my God!

I'm sorry, Marquess. I think I lashed out

because I'm just distraught over this little missing boy

and the fact that we were just going to give up on him.

Oh, well that was your idea, wasn't it?

Do you think this is the spot?

I think so.

They said the big maple tree with the knot in it.

Ugh, I can't imagine what that hole is filled with.

You can't imagine?

It's obvious, it's filled with semen!

Semen from a bunch of teenage boys!

-Okay. -BOY: (ECHOING) Help!

-(GASPS) -BOY: (ECHOING) Help!

Help me! Someone!

Help! Help!

(GASPS) Timothy?

Timothy, is that you?

TIMOTHY: Yes, it's me! Help!

What the (BLEEP) are you doing in there?

TIMOTHY: (STAMMERING) I don't remember.

Timothy, here. Take my hand.

(STRUGGLING)

-(SQUELCHING) -(GASPING)

Oh, Timothy, just... Oh, who grabbed me?

-You've got him? -MARQUESS: I... Oh, he's too slippery!

-Ahhh! -(GROANS)

Are you okay?

Yes, uh, I think so.

Just soaked in ejaculate, huh?

-(WIND WHOOSHING) -Ahhh!

-(ETHEREAL MUSIC PLAYING) -(BRANCHES CREAKING)

YUNG HEE: It's alive!

THE TREE: Yes, I am alive!

For 200 years, bullies have gathered here

and planted their seeds.

And last night one of those seeds germinated.

Thank you, Timothy.

Thank you for giving me life!

You have magic seed in you.

Use it wisely.

But for the rest of those boys...

The boys who used me

for nothing but their own pleasure!

I'll get every last one and snatch off their peckers.

Snatch off their peckers, every one!

I guess that's the Tree of Life.

Now let's get you boys back to school.

(GROANS)

PIGEON: Hey, were you scared?

When the tree came to life?

Oh, no, earlier.

When Mike almost beat the shit out of you.

I mean, that was crazy.

You know, he can (BLEEP) kill you?

He could kill all of us.

-I think sometimes we forget that that's Mike Tyson. -MIKE: Hey!

Let's pick up the mother (BLEEP) pace back there.

PIGEON: Okay, moving on. MARQUESS: Sorry, Michael.

PIGEON: Moving on. (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

(ENGINE REVVING)

-(TIRES SCREECHING) -(WOMAN GASPS)

THE TREE: Are you Douglas Wills?

The Douglas Wills that attended Foxcroft Academy for Boys,

class of 1981?

-(GASPS) -(BOTH SCREAM)

(STAMMERS) Yes, yes, yes!

(GASPS)

(SCREAMS)

-THE TREE: Pull down your pants. -What?

Ahhh!

Now, I have snatched every pecker

from every boy that ever spilt his pecker wit on me.

-And they're all hanging in my branches. -(GASPS)

Douglas, it's time for me to add your pecker to my branches.

Now, hold up your pecker, so I can snatch it off.

-WOMAN: No! Stop! Oh, no! -No, no, please, please, no!

THE TREE: Woman, you should not be with this man.

He's no good.

I think you should get yourself a job and make your own money

and not go out with men with a convertible car.

Now, Douglas,

it's time to say goodbye to your pecker.

Oh, God, no!

Ahhh! Ahhh!

-(GASPS) -THE TREE: Douglas...

Good Lord, you have a nice pecker.

It feels so good!

(END THEME MUSIC PLAYING)