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1
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(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
2
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(WHEELS SQUEAKING)
3
00:00:36,770 --> 00:00:37,970
Okay!
4
00:00:37,972 --> 00:00:39,372
Mike Tyson Mystery Team,
5
00:00:39,373 --> 00:00:42,673
are you ready to see
your renovated home?
6
00:00:42,676 --> 00:00:43,776
Yes!
7
00:00:43,778 --> 00:00:45,108
MARQUESS: Okay!
8
00:00:45,112 --> 00:00:46,682
With the money from
the fire insurance,
9
00:00:46,680 --> 00:00:49,250
I was able to give you
an open-concept living room.
10
00:00:49,250 --> 00:00:53,820
I added a half-bath,
and I was even able
to convert the garage
11
00:00:53,821 --> 00:00:56,821
into the dance studio
you've always wanted!
12
00:00:56,824 --> 00:00:58,624
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
13
00:00:58,626 --> 00:01:02,556
So! Are you guys ready
to see the big reveal?
14
00:01:02,563 --> 00:01:05,233
Oh, for Godsakes,
I've had to go to the
bathroom for 20 minutes.
15
00:01:05,232 --> 00:01:06,672
Please, Marquess, hurry!
16
00:01:06,667 --> 00:01:08,597
Oh, no, I can't
hold it any longer!
17
00:01:08,602 --> 00:01:11,572
Oh, God, I can't
hold it. I have to
go so bad. Oh, God...
18
00:01:11,572 --> 00:01:14,012
I'm just kidding. I can
shit wherever I want.
19
00:01:14,008 --> 00:01:17,138
-MARQUESS: Ugh!
-PIGEON: Aha!
I'm going inside.
20
00:01:18,445 --> 00:01:21,205
PIGEON: That's your big
reveal? It looks the same.
21
00:01:21,215 --> 00:01:23,845
What? No, it doesn't.
Are you blind?
22
00:01:23,851 --> 00:01:26,921
Oh. Just great. There goes
my (BLEEP) reveal.
23
00:01:26,921 --> 00:01:31,291
I spent $200 of my own money
on this giant (BLEEP) scrim.
24
00:01:32,592 --> 00:01:34,762
YUNG: So, what
did you do that's different?
25
00:01:34,762 --> 00:01:37,462
MARQUESS: (EXCLAIMS)
I changed... Uh! Oh, my God...
26
00:01:37,465 --> 00:01:39,665
I changed the cathedral
windows to bay windows.
27
00:01:39,667 --> 00:01:43,137
Open your (BLEEP) eyes. You
know what? I need a drink.
28
00:01:44,604 --> 00:01:47,414
Oh, I love it, Marquess.
Stainless steel appliances!
29
00:01:47,408 --> 00:01:49,508
This island... Oh, my God.
30
00:01:49,510 --> 00:01:51,580
I'm definitely gonna
cook more now.
31
00:01:51,579 --> 00:01:54,309
What? I didn't change
anything in here.
32
00:01:54,315 --> 00:01:57,115
-PIGEON: Where the
(BLEEP) am I?
-Pigeon?
33
00:01:57,118 --> 00:02:01,448
It sounds like
you're upstairs! But
maybe also the basement?
34
00:02:01,455 --> 00:02:04,115
Michael! We don't
have a basement.
35
00:02:04,125 --> 00:02:06,685
Oh, Marquess! That was
on my wish list.
36
00:02:06,694 --> 00:02:08,364
PIGEON: I mean,
what the (BLEEP)?
37
00:02:08,362 --> 00:02:11,402
Ooh! Definitely upstairs.
That one gave it away.
38
00:02:14,334 --> 00:02:17,004
"Oh, Marquess! The living
room looks incredible."
39
00:02:17,004 --> 00:02:18,504
"Oh, why, thank you!"
40
00:02:18,506 --> 00:02:21,566
(GASPS) "Are those
hand-stitched throw pillows?"
41
00:02:21,575 --> 00:02:25,335
"Why, yes, they are! Thank you
for noticing." Assholes.
42
00:02:30,216 --> 00:02:33,316
PIGEON: You care
to (BLEEP) explain
this, Marquess?
43
00:02:33,320 --> 00:02:36,090
Oh, finally!
Someone gives a (BLEEP).
44
00:02:36,090 --> 00:02:41,060
Yes. This is my
favorite new addition.
The wall of family photos!
45
00:02:41,061 --> 00:02:44,761
We didn't have one before,
and I truly think it's what
makes a house a home.
46
00:02:44,765 --> 00:02:46,055
Then where am I?
47
00:02:46,066 --> 00:02:48,466
What? Huh? Oh,
well, come on.
48
00:02:48,469 --> 00:02:49,799
You're in one of these.
49
00:02:49,803 --> 00:02:52,743
Let me just, um...
Oh... No, okay...
50
00:02:52,740 --> 00:02:55,770
Oh, oh! Here's one
of you. At the beach!
51
00:02:55,776 --> 00:02:58,106
Right next to Yung,
playing in the sand.
52
00:02:58,112 --> 00:03:01,612
That is a (BLEEP) seagull!
53
00:03:01,615 --> 00:03:02,675
What?
54
00:03:02,683 --> 00:03:05,053
Dad, is that
you and George Bush?
55
00:03:05,052 --> 00:03:07,992
MIKE: Oh, yeah, that was
from my very first mystery.
56
00:03:07,988 --> 00:03:09,718
Huh! I don't remember that.
57
00:03:09,723 --> 00:03:12,423
Oh, that's because
you were just a little girl.
58
00:03:12,426 --> 00:03:15,786
I remember it like it
was yesterday. (CHUCKLES)
59
00:03:15,796 --> 00:03:17,426
Yesterday.
60
00:03:17,431 --> 00:03:20,201
-Yesterday!
-PIGEON: What are you doing?
61
00:03:20,201 --> 00:03:24,371
Oh, I... I thought we were
doing a flashback. We're
not doing a flashback?
62
00:03:24,371 --> 00:03:26,311
That was taken
in the Oval Office.
63
00:03:26,307 --> 00:03:28,137
I remember it like
it was yesterday...
64
00:03:28,142 --> 00:03:30,382
Yesterday, yesterday...
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00:03:30,377 --> 00:03:33,447
MARQUESS: Oh, so it
works when Michael
does it, but not...
66
00:03:33,447 --> 00:03:34,847
MIKE: It was 2001.
67
00:03:38,351 --> 00:03:39,951
A different time.
68
00:03:41,621 --> 00:03:43,791
Everything wasdifferent back then.
69
00:03:44,991 --> 00:03:47,531
-(LAUGHING)
-MIKE: The waypeople dressed.
70
00:03:48,928 --> 00:03:50,558
The way people talked.
71
00:03:51,798 --> 00:03:55,768
The music, the hairstyles.It was all so...
72
00:03:56,836 --> 00:03:58,296
Groovy.
73
00:04:00,173 --> 00:04:01,643
Far out, man.
74
00:04:02,909 --> 00:04:05,879
Oh! It looks like we've
got our first mystery.
75
00:04:05,879 --> 00:04:08,179
(GASPS) "Dear Mike Tyson
Mystery Team,
76
00:04:08,182 --> 00:04:11,522
"the President of the United
States, George W. Bush,
requests your assistance.
77
00:04:11,518 --> 00:04:15,048
"Signed 'Andrew Card,
White House Chief of Staff'"!
78
00:04:15,055 --> 00:04:18,485
The President needs our help.
That's out of sight!
79
00:04:18,492 --> 00:04:20,892
Come on, team!
To the Mystery Mobile!
80
00:04:28,768 --> 00:04:30,038
(EXCLAIMS)
81
00:04:35,541 --> 00:04:38,941
Wait a second. So, I was
just in the front seat?
82
00:04:38,946 --> 00:04:40,306
No car seat or anything?
83
00:04:40,314 --> 00:04:41,914
And what was I reading?
84
00:04:41,915 --> 00:04:44,445
What? That's how I remember
it. It was a long time ago.
85
00:04:44,451 --> 00:04:46,251
Well, it wasn't that long ago.
86
00:04:46,253 --> 00:04:49,763
Well, sometimes, you
know, you gotta, um,
embellish, you know?
87
00:04:49,757 --> 00:04:51,857
Keep the audience interested.
88
00:04:51,859 --> 00:04:54,059
So, where were we? We...
89
00:04:54,061 --> 00:04:56,361
We... We, we, we...
90
00:04:57,163 --> 00:04:58,803
We arrived at the White House,
91
00:04:58,799 --> 00:05:02,099
and the Chief of Staff,Andrew Card, met usat the door.
92
00:05:02,102 --> 00:05:03,572
Thanks for coming.
93
00:05:08,708 --> 00:05:10,108
-Sir, how does this look?
-What is this?
94
00:05:10,110 --> 00:05:11,740
Are these the remarks
for the President?
95
00:05:11,745 --> 00:05:13,175
-Yes, sir.
-Well, don't give them to me.
96
00:05:13,180 --> 00:05:15,580
The State Department
needs to sign off on this.
97
00:05:15,582 --> 00:05:17,722
And hurry it up, or there's
gonna be hell to pay.
98
00:05:17,718 --> 00:05:21,488
McAfee! We need to find
time for the President to go
over the troop assessment
99
00:05:21,488 --> 00:05:23,388
with Secretary Rumsfeld.
100
00:05:23,390 --> 00:05:25,190
I'm on it. But, sir,
there's something I
need to talk to you about.
101
00:05:25,192 --> 00:05:26,662
Not now, God damn it!
102
00:05:26,660 --> 00:05:30,330
Ooh, McAfee, you just got
Carded. Andrew Carded!
103
00:05:30,331 --> 00:05:31,801
Did I get your name right?
104
00:05:35,268 --> 00:05:37,498
(TURKEYS GOBBLING)
105
00:05:37,504 --> 00:05:41,474
It's an honor to meet you,
Mr. President, even though
I didn't vote for you.
106
00:05:41,475 --> 00:05:44,975
Aw, no! Mr. Tyson,
this is Ed Beaver.
107
00:05:44,978 --> 00:05:46,448
He's a turkey farmer.
108
00:05:46,447 --> 00:05:48,747
His name is Beaver?
109
00:05:48,749 --> 00:05:50,619
Please, everyone, sit down.
110
00:05:53,553 --> 00:05:56,023
In light of the recent
tragic events...
111
00:05:56,023 --> 00:05:57,493
(DRAWER OPENING)
112
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-Mr. Tyson?
-Yes.
113
00:06:00,494 --> 00:06:03,204
Perhaps you'd be more
comfortable over here.
114
00:06:03,197 --> 00:06:05,227
No, I'm good.
115
00:06:05,232 --> 00:06:09,072
I'm sorry, Mr. Tyson, but that
seat is typically reserved
for the President.
116
00:06:09,069 --> 00:06:11,969
Ooh, ooh. I'm sorry.
Mr. Beaver, here you go.
117
00:06:13,940 --> 00:06:15,440
PIGEON: Hey!
118
00:06:15,442 --> 00:06:18,742
But as you know,
Thanksgiving is just
around the corner.
119
00:06:18,746 --> 00:06:21,346
It seems like it comes
sooner and sooner every year.
120
00:06:21,348 --> 00:06:23,178
Yes, uh...
121
00:06:23,183 --> 00:06:26,183
Well, every year, in
a ceremony on the on
the White House lawn,
122
00:06:26,186 --> 00:06:30,716
the President grants one
turkey a presidential pardon.
123
00:06:30,724 --> 00:06:34,834
The President feels like he
needs to get this one right.
124
00:06:34,828 --> 00:06:37,698
The nation is in a
very fragile state,
125
00:06:37,698 --> 00:06:40,628
and they need their president
to show a steady hand.
126
00:06:40,634 --> 00:06:42,904
(TURKEYS GOBBLING)
127
00:06:42,903 --> 00:06:45,943
So, you want us to
pick a (BLEEP) turkey?
128
00:06:45,939 --> 00:06:47,539
Fine. That one.
129
00:06:47,541 --> 00:06:51,641
Or that one. Or that...
Or any one, they're
all the (BLEEP) same.
130
00:06:51,645 --> 00:06:53,875
Why don't we let Yung pick?
131
00:06:53,881 --> 00:06:57,821
Ooh, that's a good idea.
Which one, honey? Which
turkey you wanna save?
132
00:07:02,655 --> 00:07:04,985
-This birdy!
-MARQUESS: Aw!
133
00:07:04,992 --> 00:07:06,662
Are you sure?
134
00:07:06,660 --> 00:07:08,490
Jesus Christ.
135
00:07:08,495 --> 00:07:13,295
Now, this is a
very, very important
decision, little boy.
136
00:07:13,300 --> 00:07:14,770
Birdy!
137
00:07:16,469 --> 00:07:19,769
We're going with the
cream-colored one,
Mr. President.
138
00:07:19,773 --> 00:07:23,213
Let's get one quick photo.
Mr. Tyson, could you come
stand with the President?
139
00:07:23,210 --> 00:07:26,410
The entire nation thanks
you for your help
in this matter, Michael.
140
00:07:26,413 --> 00:07:27,983
(CAMERA CLICKS)
141
00:07:27,981 --> 00:07:30,821
You know, Thriller was
the first CD I ever bought.
142
00:07:30,818 --> 00:07:32,418
Do you think I could
get a picture...
143
00:07:32,419 --> 00:07:36,019
Now, let's get
Mr. Beaver and Mr. Tyson
out of here, please.
144
00:07:36,023 --> 00:07:37,563
Bitch.
145
00:07:37,558 --> 00:07:39,018
(TURKEYS GOBBLING)
146
00:07:42,061 --> 00:07:43,231
So, that was it?
147
00:07:43,230 --> 00:07:44,700
That was it.
148
00:07:47,166 --> 00:07:48,666
Well, who's this?
149
00:07:48,669 --> 00:07:51,439
Huh? I don't know. You'll
have to ask your father.
150
00:07:51,438 --> 00:07:52,968
Michael, who is this?
151
00:07:55,341 --> 00:07:57,141
I don't know
who the (BLEEP) that is.
152
00:07:57,144 --> 00:07:59,714
Pigeon, do you know who
the (BLEEP) this is?
153
00:07:59,713 --> 00:08:01,953
-No.
-You know what?
154
00:08:01,949 --> 00:08:04,619
I don't remember even
hanging this picture.
155
00:08:07,253 --> 00:08:09,653
My name is AbnerCallmouth-Griegs.
156
00:08:09,656 --> 00:08:11,656
And I am trapped betweenthis world and the next,
157
00:08:11,658 --> 00:08:15,658
a-swirl withevil and death, whichis coming for you!
158
00:08:15,662 --> 00:08:17,032
And there is noway to stop it.
159
00:08:17,030 --> 00:08:20,000
It is all around you,the death, and the evil,
160
00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:21,900
and the only hope,the only possible hope,
161
00:08:21,902 --> 00:08:23,942
is that you enterthis dimension at once!
162
00:08:23,937 --> 00:08:25,937
I will open a passagebetween Heaven and Hell,
163
00:08:25,939 --> 00:08:29,169
and you must pass throughquickly. Now! Now! Now!
164
00:08:29,176 --> 00:08:32,006
There's no time!You'll all die,do you hear me?
165
00:08:32,012 --> 00:08:35,152
Run into the portal,or you'll all die!
166
00:08:35,148 --> 00:08:36,348
What do we do?
167
00:08:36,350 --> 00:08:37,620
Go! Go, go, go, go, go!
168
00:08:37,618 --> 00:08:39,078
Oh, (BLEEP)! Oh, (BLEEP)!
169
00:08:50,663 --> 00:08:55,973
Well, I guess I'll
go jack off on the
hand-stitched throw pillows.
170
00:08:57,637 --> 00:09:00,707
(VOCALIZING)
171
00:09:00,707 --> 00:09:03,307
(CONTINUES VOCALIZING)
172
00:09:07,380 --> 00:09:08,850
(ALL SCREAMING)
173
00:09:11,684 --> 00:09:13,054
Isn't this our house?
174
00:09:13,053 --> 00:09:14,923
Oh, wait!
I think I do know this dude.
175
00:09:14,922 --> 00:09:16,592
He owned the house before us.
176
00:09:16,590 --> 00:09:18,060
(CHILD CRYING)
177
00:09:21,127 --> 00:09:23,187
(KNIVES SHARPENING)
178
00:09:24,830 --> 00:09:26,460
On the other side of
that door is a witch,
179
00:09:26,466 --> 00:09:28,596
and at any moment, she will
come in here and kill
180
00:09:28,602 --> 00:09:30,472
my sweet Madeline
and my poor little ones.
181
00:09:30,470 --> 00:09:33,610
And then she'll cook them
in a pot, and feed them to me!
182
00:09:33,607 --> 00:09:37,207
And this unfathomable
evil happens over and
over again for eternity,
183
00:09:37,210 --> 00:09:39,880
because the witch
has power over time!
184
00:09:39,880 --> 00:09:43,720
She uses a portal of her
making, but I discovered
how to use her portal.
185
00:09:43,717 --> 00:09:45,577
And with it,
I summoned you here!
186
00:09:45,586 --> 00:09:47,286
I'm going to offer
the witch a deal.
187
00:09:47,287 --> 00:09:49,747
Leave me my Madeline,
my little ones, and take you!
188
00:09:49,756 --> 00:09:53,286
Wait! Why wouldn't
you just leave here
in it? In the portal?
189
00:09:53,293 --> 00:09:57,663
Instead of bringing us here,
why didn't you just use
the portal to leave?
190
00:09:57,664 --> 00:09:58,804
-What?
-MARQUESS: Oh, my God...
191
00:09:58,799 --> 00:09:59,899
-(CRASH)
-(ALL SCREAMING)
192
00:09:59,900 --> 00:10:01,170
ABNER: No, not again!
193
00:10:01,168 --> 00:10:02,228
(SCREAMING)
194
00:10:02,235 --> 00:10:04,165
MIKE: Oh, we getting
the (BLEEP) out of here.
195
00:10:04,704 --> 00:10:05,744
(SCREAMING)
196
00:10:05,739 --> 00:10:07,209
(DOG BARKING)
197
00:10:14,981 --> 00:10:17,281
I knew that was how
that would work.
198
00:10:17,284 --> 00:10:19,284
(END THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
15655
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