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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,134 --> 00:00:02,774 (THEME MUSIC PLAYING) 2 00:00:31,898 --> 00:00:33,828 (WHEELS SQUEAKING) 3 00:00:36,770 --> 00:00:37,970 Okay! 4 00:00:37,972 --> 00:00:39,372 Mike Tyson Mystery Team, 5 00:00:39,373 --> 00:00:42,673 are you ready to see your renovated home? 6 00:00:42,676 --> 00:00:43,776 Yes! 7 00:00:43,778 --> 00:00:45,108 MARQUESS: Okay! 8 00:00:45,112 --> 00:00:46,682 With the money from the fire insurance, 9 00:00:46,680 --> 00:00:49,250 I was able to give you an open-concept living room. 10 00:00:49,250 --> 00:00:53,820 I added a half-bath, and I was even able to convert the garage 11 00:00:53,821 --> 00:00:56,821 into the dance studio you've always wanted! 12 00:00:56,824 --> 00:00:58,624 Oh, my God! Oh, my God! 13 00:00:58,626 --> 00:01:02,556 So! Are you guys ready to see the big reveal? 14 00:01:02,563 --> 00:01:05,233 Oh, for Godsakes, I've had to go to the bathroom for 20 minutes. 15 00:01:05,232 --> 00:01:06,672 Please, Marquess, hurry! 16 00:01:06,667 --> 00:01:08,597 Oh, no, I can't hold it any longer! 17 00:01:08,602 --> 00:01:11,572 Oh, God, I can't hold it. I have to go so bad. Oh, God... 18 00:01:11,572 --> 00:01:14,012 I'm just kidding. I can shit wherever I want. 19 00:01:14,008 --> 00:01:17,138 -MARQUESS: Ugh! -PIGEON: Aha! I'm going inside. 20 00:01:18,445 --> 00:01:21,205 PIGEON: That's your big reveal? It looks the same. 21 00:01:21,215 --> 00:01:23,845 What? No, it doesn't. Are you blind? 22 00:01:23,851 --> 00:01:26,921 Oh. Just great. There goes my (BLEEP) reveal. 23 00:01:26,921 --> 00:01:31,291 I spent $200 of my own money on this giant (BLEEP) scrim. 24 00:01:32,592 --> 00:01:34,762 YUNG: So, what did you do that's different? 25 00:01:34,762 --> 00:01:37,462 MARQUESS: (EXCLAIMS) I changed... Uh! Oh, my God... 26 00:01:37,465 --> 00:01:39,665 I changed the cathedral windows to bay windows. 27 00:01:39,667 --> 00:01:43,137 Open your (BLEEP) eyes. You know what? I need a drink. 28 00:01:44,604 --> 00:01:47,414 Oh, I love it, Marquess. Stainless steel appliances! 29 00:01:47,408 --> 00:01:49,508 This island... Oh, my God. 30 00:01:49,510 --> 00:01:51,580 I'm definitely gonna cook more now. 31 00:01:51,579 --> 00:01:54,309 What? I didn't change anything in here. 32 00:01:54,315 --> 00:01:57,115 -PIGEON: Where the (BLEEP) am I? -Pigeon? 33 00:01:57,118 --> 00:02:01,448 It sounds like you're upstairs! But maybe also the basement? 34 00:02:01,455 --> 00:02:04,115 Michael! We don't have a basement. 35 00:02:04,125 --> 00:02:06,685 Oh, Marquess! That was on my wish list. 36 00:02:06,694 --> 00:02:08,364 PIGEON: I mean, what the (BLEEP)? 37 00:02:08,362 --> 00:02:11,402 Ooh! Definitely upstairs. That one gave it away. 38 00:02:14,334 --> 00:02:17,004 "Oh, Marquess! The living room looks incredible." 39 00:02:17,004 --> 00:02:18,504 "Oh, why, thank you!" 40 00:02:18,506 --> 00:02:21,566 (GASPS) "Are those hand-stitched throw pillows?" 41 00:02:21,575 --> 00:02:25,335 "Why, yes, they are! Thank you for noticing." Assholes. 42 00:02:30,216 --> 00:02:33,316 PIGEON: You care to (BLEEP) explain this, Marquess? 43 00:02:33,320 --> 00:02:36,090 Oh, finally! Someone gives a (BLEEP). 44 00:02:36,090 --> 00:02:41,060 Yes. This is my favorite new addition. The wall of family photos! 45 00:02:41,061 --> 00:02:44,761 We didn't have one before, and I truly think it's what makes a house a home. 46 00:02:44,765 --> 00:02:46,055 Then where am I? 47 00:02:46,066 --> 00:02:48,466 What? Huh? Oh, well, come on. 48 00:02:48,469 --> 00:02:49,799 You're in one of these. 49 00:02:49,803 --> 00:02:52,743 Let me just, um... Oh... No, okay... 50 00:02:52,740 --> 00:02:55,770 Oh, oh! Here's one of you. At the beach! 51 00:02:55,776 --> 00:02:58,106 Right next to Yung, playing in the sand. 52 00:02:58,112 --> 00:03:01,612 That is a (BLEEP) seagull! 53 00:03:01,615 --> 00:03:02,675 What? 54 00:03:02,683 --> 00:03:05,053 Dad, is that you and George Bush? 55 00:03:05,052 --> 00:03:07,992 MIKE: Oh, yeah, that was from my very first mystery. 56 00:03:07,988 --> 00:03:09,718 Huh! I don't remember that. 57 00:03:09,723 --> 00:03:12,423 Oh, that's because you were just a little girl. 58 00:03:12,426 --> 00:03:15,786 I remember it like it was yesterday. (CHUCKLES) 59 00:03:15,796 --> 00:03:17,426 Yesterday. 60 00:03:17,431 --> 00:03:20,201 -Yesterday! -PIGEON: What are you doing? 61 00:03:20,201 --> 00:03:24,371 Oh, I... I thought we were doing a flashback. We're not doing a flashback? 62 00:03:24,371 --> 00:03:26,311 That was taken in the Oval Office. 63 00:03:26,307 --> 00:03:28,137 I remember it like it was yesterday... 64 00:03:28,142 --> 00:03:30,382 Yesterday, yesterday... 65 00:03:30,377 --> 00:03:33,447 MARQUESS: Oh, so it works when Michael does it, but not... 66 00:03:33,447 --> 00:03:34,847 MIKE: It was 2001. 67 00:03:38,351 --> 00:03:39,951 A different time. 68 00:03:41,621 --> 00:03:43,791 Everything was different back then. 69 00:03:44,991 --> 00:03:47,531 -(LAUGHING) -MIKE: The way people dressed. 70 00:03:48,928 --> 00:03:50,558 The way people talked. 71 00:03:51,798 --> 00:03:55,768 The music, the hairstyles. It was all so... 72 00:03:56,836 --> 00:03:58,296 Groovy. 73 00:04:00,173 --> 00:04:01,643 Far out, man. 74 00:04:02,909 --> 00:04:05,879 Oh! It looks like we've got our first mystery. 75 00:04:05,879 --> 00:04:08,179 (GASPS) "Dear Mike Tyson Mystery Team, 76 00:04:08,182 --> 00:04:11,522 "the President of the United States, George W. Bush, requests your assistance. 77 00:04:11,518 --> 00:04:15,048 "Signed 'Andrew Card, White House Chief of Staff'"! 78 00:04:15,055 --> 00:04:18,485 The President needs our help. That's out of sight! 79 00:04:18,492 --> 00:04:20,892 Come on, team! To the Mystery Mobile! 80 00:04:28,768 --> 00:04:30,038 (EXCLAIMS) 81 00:04:35,541 --> 00:04:38,941 Wait a second. So, I was just in the front seat? 82 00:04:38,946 --> 00:04:40,306 No car seat or anything? 83 00:04:40,314 --> 00:04:41,914 And what was I reading? 84 00:04:41,915 --> 00:04:44,445 What? That's how I remember it. It was a long time ago. 85 00:04:44,451 --> 00:04:46,251 Well, it wasn't that long ago. 86 00:04:46,253 --> 00:04:49,763 Well, sometimes, you know, you gotta, um, embellish, you know? 87 00:04:49,757 --> 00:04:51,857 Keep the audience interested. 88 00:04:51,859 --> 00:04:54,059 So, where were we? We... 89 00:04:54,061 --> 00:04:56,361 We... We, we, we... 90 00:04:57,163 --> 00:04:58,803 We arrived at the White House, 91 00:04:58,799 --> 00:05:02,099 and the Chief of Staff, Andrew Card, met us at the door. 92 00:05:02,102 --> 00:05:03,572 Thanks for coming. 93 00:05:08,708 --> 00:05:10,108 -Sir, how does this look? -What is this? 94 00:05:10,110 --> 00:05:11,740 Are these the remarks for the President? 95 00:05:11,745 --> 00:05:13,175 -Yes, sir. -Well, don't give them to me. 96 00:05:13,180 --> 00:05:15,580 The State Department needs to sign off on this. 97 00:05:15,582 --> 00:05:17,722 And hurry it up, or there's gonna be hell to pay. 98 00:05:17,718 --> 00:05:21,488 McAfee! We need to find time for the President to go over the troop assessment 99 00:05:21,488 --> 00:05:23,388 with Secretary Rumsfeld. 100 00:05:23,390 --> 00:05:25,190 I'm on it. But, sir, there's something I need to talk to you about. 101 00:05:25,192 --> 00:05:26,662 Not now, God damn it! 102 00:05:26,660 --> 00:05:30,330 Ooh, McAfee, you just got Carded. Andrew Carded! 103 00:05:30,331 --> 00:05:31,801 Did I get your name right? 104 00:05:35,268 --> 00:05:37,498 (TURKEYS GOBBLING) 105 00:05:37,504 --> 00:05:41,474 It's an honor to meet you, Mr. President, even though I didn't vote for you. 106 00:05:41,475 --> 00:05:44,975 Aw, no! Mr. Tyson, this is Ed Beaver. 107 00:05:44,978 --> 00:05:46,448 He's a turkey farmer. 108 00:05:46,447 --> 00:05:48,747 His name is Beaver? 109 00:05:48,749 --> 00:05:50,619 Please, everyone, sit down. 110 00:05:53,553 --> 00:05:56,023 In light of the recent tragic events... 111 00:05:56,023 --> 00:05:57,493 (DRAWER OPENING) 112 00:05:58,424 --> 00:06:00,494 -Mr. Tyson? -Yes. 113 00:06:00,494 --> 00:06:03,204 Perhaps you'd be more comfortable over here. 114 00:06:03,197 --> 00:06:05,227 No, I'm good. 115 00:06:05,232 --> 00:06:09,072 I'm sorry, Mr. Tyson, but that seat is typically reserved for the President. 116 00:06:09,069 --> 00:06:11,969 Ooh, ooh. I'm sorry. Mr. Beaver, here you go. 117 00:06:13,940 --> 00:06:15,440 PIGEON: Hey! 118 00:06:15,442 --> 00:06:18,742 But as you know, Thanksgiving is just around the corner. 119 00:06:18,746 --> 00:06:21,346 It seems like it comes sooner and sooner every year. 120 00:06:21,348 --> 00:06:23,178 Yes, uh... 121 00:06:23,183 --> 00:06:26,183 Well, every year, in a ceremony on the on the White House lawn, 122 00:06:26,186 --> 00:06:30,716 the President grants one turkey a presidential pardon. 123 00:06:30,724 --> 00:06:34,834 The President feels like he needs to get this one right. 124 00:06:34,828 --> 00:06:37,698 The nation is in a very fragile state, 125 00:06:37,698 --> 00:06:40,628 and they need their president to show a steady hand. 126 00:06:40,634 --> 00:06:42,904 (TURKEYS GOBBLING) 127 00:06:42,903 --> 00:06:45,943 So, you want us to pick a (BLEEP) turkey? 128 00:06:45,939 --> 00:06:47,539 Fine. That one. 129 00:06:47,541 --> 00:06:51,641 Or that one. Or that... Or any one, they're all the (BLEEP) same. 130 00:06:51,645 --> 00:06:53,875 Why don't we let Yung pick? 131 00:06:53,881 --> 00:06:57,821 Ooh, that's a good idea. Which one, honey? Which turkey you wanna save? 132 00:07:02,655 --> 00:07:04,985 -This birdy! -MARQUESS: Aw! 133 00:07:04,992 --> 00:07:06,662 Are you sure? 134 00:07:06,660 --> 00:07:08,490 Jesus Christ. 135 00:07:08,495 --> 00:07:13,295 Now, this is a very, very important decision, little boy. 136 00:07:13,300 --> 00:07:14,770 Birdy! 137 00:07:16,469 --> 00:07:19,769 We're going with the cream-colored one, Mr. President. 138 00:07:19,773 --> 00:07:23,213 Let's get one quick photo. Mr. Tyson, could you come stand with the President? 139 00:07:23,210 --> 00:07:26,410 The entire nation thanks you for your help in this matter, Michael. 140 00:07:26,413 --> 00:07:27,983 (CAMERA CLICKS) 141 00:07:27,981 --> 00:07:30,821 You know, Thriller was the first CD I ever bought. 142 00:07:30,818 --> 00:07:32,418 Do you think I could get a picture... 143 00:07:32,419 --> 00:07:36,019 Now, let's get Mr. Beaver and Mr. Tyson out of here, please. 144 00:07:36,023 --> 00:07:37,563 Bitch. 145 00:07:37,558 --> 00:07:39,018 (TURKEYS GOBBLING) 146 00:07:42,061 --> 00:07:43,231 So, that was it? 147 00:07:43,230 --> 00:07:44,700 That was it. 148 00:07:47,166 --> 00:07:48,666 Well, who's this? 149 00:07:48,669 --> 00:07:51,439 Huh? I don't know. You'll have to ask your father. 150 00:07:51,438 --> 00:07:52,968 Michael, who is this? 151 00:07:55,341 --> 00:07:57,141 I don't know who the (BLEEP) that is. 152 00:07:57,144 --> 00:07:59,714 Pigeon, do you know who the (BLEEP) this is? 153 00:07:59,713 --> 00:08:01,953 -No. -You know what? 154 00:08:01,949 --> 00:08:04,619 I don't remember even hanging this picture. 155 00:08:07,253 --> 00:08:09,653 My name is Abner Callmouth-Griegs. 156 00:08:09,656 --> 00:08:11,656 And I am trapped between this world and the next, 157 00:08:11,658 --> 00:08:15,658 a-swirl with evil and death, which is coming for you! 158 00:08:15,662 --> 00:08:17,032 And there is no way to stop it. 159 00:08:17,030 --> 00:08:20,000 It is all around you, the death, and the evil, 160 00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:21,900 and the only hope, the only possible hope, 161 00:08:21,902 --> 00:08:23,942 is that you enter this dimension at once! 162 00:08:23,937 --> 00:08:25,937 I will open a passage between Heaven and Hell, 163 00:08:25,939 --> 00:08:29,169 and you must pass through quickly. Now! Now! Now! 164 00:08:29,176 --> 00:08:32,006 There's no time! You'll all die, do you hear me? 165 00:08:32,012 --> 00:08:35,152 Run into the portal, or you'll all die! 166 00:08:35,148 --> 00:08:36,348 What do we do? 167 00:08:36,350 --> 00:08:37,620 Go! Go, go, go, go, go! 168 00:08:37,618 --> 00:08:39,078 Oh, (BLEEP)! Oh, (BLEEP)! 169 00:08:50,663 --> 00:08:55,973 Well, I guess I'll go jack off on the hand-stitched throw pillows. 170 00:08:57,637 --> 00:09:00,707 (VOCALIZING) 171 00:09:00,707 --> 00:09:03,307 (CONTINUES VOCALIZING) 172 00:09:07,380 --> 00:09:08,850 (ALL SCREAMING) 173 00:09:11,684 --> 00:09:13,054 Isn't this our house? 174 00:09:13,053 --> 00:09:14,923 Oh, wait! I think I do know this dude. 175 00:09:14,922 --> 00:09:16,592 He owned the house before us. 176 00:09:16,590 --> 00:09:18,060 (CHILD CRYING) 177 00:09:21,127 --> 00:09:23,187 (KNIVES SHARPENING) 178 00:09:24,830 --> 00:09:26,460 On the other side of that door is a witch, 179 00:09:26,466 --> 00:09:28,596 and at any moment, she will come in here and kill 180 00:09:28,602 --> 00:09:30,472 my sweet Madeline and my poor little ones. 181 00:09:30,470 --> 00:09:33,610 And then she'll cook them in a pot, and feed them to me! 182 00:09:33,607 --> 00:09:37,207 And this unfathomable evil happens over and over again for eternity, 183 00:09:37,210 --> 00:09:39,880 because the witch has power over time! 184 00:09:39,880 --> 00:09:43,720 She uses a portal of her making, but I discovered how to use her portal. 185 00:09:43,717 --> 00:09:45,577 And with it, I summoned you here! 186 00:09:45,586 --> 00:09:47,286 I'm going to offer the witch a deal. 187 00:09:47,287 --> 00:09:49,747 Leave me my Madeline, my little ones, and take you! 188 00:09:49,756 --> 00:09:53,286 Wait! Why wouldn't you just leave here in it? In the portal? 189 00:09:53,293 --> 00:09:57,663 Instead of bringing us here, why didn't you just use the portal to leave? 190 00:09:57,664 --> 00:09:58,804 -What? -MARQUESS: Oh, my God... 191 00:09:58,799 --> 00:09:59,899 -(CRASH) -(ALL SCREAMING) 192 00:09:59,900 --> 00:10:01,170 ABNER: No, not again! 193 00:10:01,168 --> 00:10:02,228 (SCREAMING) 194 00:10:02,235 --> 00:10:04,165 MIKE: Oh, we getting the (BLEEP) out of here. 195 00:10:04,704 --> 00:10:05,744 (SCREAMING) 196 00:10:05,739 --> 00:10:07,209 (DOG BARKING) 197 00:10:14,981 --> 00:10:17,281 I knew that was how that would work. 198 00:10:17,284 --> 00:10:19,284 (END THEME MUSIC PLAYING) 15655

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