Original subtitles

The TV, TV's on baby!

Deezy, my neezy, come on, man!

-Oh, where? -Right here.

It's time. It's game time.

(THEME SONG PLAYING)

-(HUMMING) -(INCOHERENT RAMBLING)

I'm in a dinosaur. I knocked a mother (BEEP) Tyrannosaurus Rex out.

Whoo!

I'm pretty baby!

All right, what are we waiting for? Let's do this, to the Mystery Mobile.

-Whoa, wait! We need Yung. -We don't need Yung.

-Who doesn't need me? -Ah, Jesus Christ!

We got a new mystery.

-Oh, what's it say? -It doesn't matter, let's go!

To the Mystery Mobile!

-Let me see what it says. -It doesn't (BEEP) matter!

What? They're all the same, let's go!

Let me see it!

"Dear Mike Tyson Mystery team,

"I want to get into porn, but I don't know how." signed, Leslie.

-Urgh, really? -Yes.

Really, this is a girl, who is asking for our help!

And as a Mystery Team member, it is my job,

nay, my duty, to provide that help!

And if any of you wanna come, then don't come!

But I for one, am coming! (LAUGHING)

Oh, yes, I will be coming.

To the mystery mobile! (DOOR SLAMS)

Ah, look how beautiful!

I've never been in this part of the country before.

These are the red states, Marquess.

People like me and you, we gotta watch it, around here.

You too, Yung.

It's up here on the right.

-So uh, how do I look? -Ugly, like always.

(LAUGHING)

Oh, burn on you, Pigeon, you got binged man!

You got binged by Yung.

You got Yung-ed!

(KNOCKING)

Uh, hey, old timer!

We're here to see Leslie.

I'm Leslie, Leslie Callahan.

Oh, my goodness, Mike Tyson, you got my note!

Come, come!

Ha, there will be no coming.

Oh, on the other hand, never say never.

I don't want my wife to hear us.

What, you have a wife?

Yes sir, fellow.

And I don't want her to hear us talking about any of this.

I bet you don't.

All right, let's just get to it.

What kind of porn are we talking about?

Gay, straight, don't tell me you're an old bi.

Porn, as in pornography?

Yeah, you said you wanted to get into porn.

Parm, I want to get into Parm.

What the (BEEP) is Parm?

It's the Italian restaurant in town

and I believe it's short for parmesan or something.

This says, "porn"!

And it was written by a girl!

I had to write it with my left hand!

My writing hand got bit by Lady, our draft horse.

She's gotten real aggressive, in her old age.

Now, can you help me get a reservation to Parm or not?

Why can't you do it, you old hillbilly?

I wouldn't know how to go about it.

My wife does that sort of thing

and I want this to be a surprise!

-It's our anniversary. -Aw.

-Do you have a phone? -I think so.

-My wife usually handles that sort of thing. -Oh, my God.

I got a phone, Leslie. Let me look it up.

-Parm, on highway 60? -That's the one!

-What time do you want the reservation? -Hmm...

Well, this is a pretty special occasion. I want it to be romantic.

4:00, 4:30? Better make it 4:00.

Make... 4 o'clock? Highway 60?

Shitty Italian restaurant, hmm, she's a lucky lady!

Oh, hi, I'm calling in to make a reservation today

for 2 people at 4 o'clock.

Okay, thank you.

Yeah, they don't take reservations.

But they say there's always a table.

(SIGHS) I don't know how you did it.

But I can't thank you all enough.

Well, mystery solved. Let's get the (BEEP) out of here.

Well, not every mystery is going to be a nail-biter.

How much longer until we're home?

Twenty-one hours.

-(CRUNCHING) -What was that?

I'm sure it was nothing.

Is that smoke, coming from the back of our car?

Well, I wouldn't know. I don't ever look back.

I always keep looking forward just like the old saying,

"Don't ever look back, always keep looking forward."

-(ENGINE HISSING) -Oh (BEEP), something's wrong with the van!

-YUNG: Dad, pull over! -MARQUESS: Michael, we can't see a thing, Michael.

MIKE: It's okay, I think it's clearing.

MARQUESS: It's not clearing, Michael.

Well, you have an oil leak for sure, and if that's all it is,

we can have you back on the road to Hollywood in a couple of hours.

I'll give you a call, when it's ready.

What the hell are we supposed to do for a couple of hours?

Welcome to Parm! Are you all here for dinner or supper?

What the (BEEP) are you talking about?

Well, we just put away all the dinner menus, so we only have supper menus.

But if you want a dinner menu, I can try and get you one.

And what the hell is the difference?

They're pretty much the same, but the dinner menu's got some breakfast items on it.

Oh, God! There's Leslie.

I'm sorry, could you seat us on this side of the restaurant?

Well, sure! You can sit wherever you like.

The rush is just about over.

Well, hello there, friends!

Why, I thought by now you'd be back sitting on the beach in Hollywood!

We're having a little car trouble.

So, we're just gonna, um, grab a quick bite before we go.

Then come and sit with us. Virgilia!

Oh, no, we don't wanna intrude.

Nonsense, we insist.

Virgilia! These are the ones I was telling you about.

Michael, you wanna check on the van? Please, now!

Oh, Leslie's told me so much about you all.

(GREETING EACH OTHER)

Oh, do you need a chair for your little bird?

Or does he sit with one of you?

-I'll take a chair. -They got some crackers at the salad bar.

-Polly want a cracker? -(CHUCKLES)

(BEEP) you. Um, I'll take a rum and coke.

Oh, this is a dry county.

-Oh, my God! -The van won't be ready till tomorrow.

We're gonna have to spend the night.

-You got any hotels around here? -Hotel?

This isn't Hollywood, young man.

There's not a hotel on every corner. No, you stay with us!

We insist!

♪ Lord, shepherd our guests into slumber

♪ Lord, shepherd our guests into sleep

♪ Lord, watch over these children

♪ Lord, oh Lord, oh Lord! ♪

-Ah, thank you, that was... -(SINGING CONTINUES)

♪ Lord, hold them up to your glory

♪ Lord, pull them down to your breast

♪ Lord, keep them safe and protect them

♪ Lord, oh Lord, oh Lord! ♪

-Good night. -Sleep tight, don't let the bed bugs bite.

And we do get a lot of bed bugs this time of year.

(COUGHING)

(MATTRESS CREAKING)

(COUGHING CONTINUES)

-(COUGHING) -YUNG: Are you okay?

MARQUESS: Ahem, I'm fine.

(FARTING)

-MARQUESS: Sorry. -PIGEON: Jesus Christ!

I gotta go find some alcohol.

All right, where do they keep it? Let's think here.

Religious, ashamed, secretive.

Under the sink, with the cleaning supplies!

Bingo! (CHUCKLES)

Ah, I see you found my stash.

-(GASPS) Who are you? -I'm Annabelle Callahan.

The farmer's daughter.

I didn't know people actually call themselves that.

I'm Richard, one of the members of a mystery team.

You gonna pour me a drink or just keep staring at me with that bottle in your hand?

Ah, you gonna tell me where the glasses are,

or just keep being an unhelpful bitch standing in the doorway?

-Thank you, Ma'am. -And we've got waffles coming so save room!

(PIGEON HUMMING)

Well, good morning, my friends!

Damn, are these hot cakes? I'm starving, you know why?

Huh?

-Anybody, want to know why? -No.

Huh? I'm starving because I ejaculated a ton last night, that's why!

And I wasn't masturbating.

If you know what I mean. (LAUGHS GLOATINGLY)

Ha, and I think that you do.

I don't wanna kiss and tell.

Well, I (BEEP) the farmer's daughter last night.

-What? -Yeah.

Yeah, here she is, Annabelle.

My sweet, Annabelle. Mmm...

Here are those waffles, I promised you.

-Oh, good morning, bird. -Good morning, Ma'am.

Say, where's that lovely daughter of yours?

Will she be joining us for breakfast?

-(GASPS) -(PLATE SHATTERS)

Our daughter has been dead for 6 years.

LESLIE: I said it before and I'll say it again.

Our daughter has been dead for six years.

(SOBBING)

Virgilia!

It's been six years, but to her, it's like it was yesterday.

Virgilia!

Oh, my God.

This is not good. This is really not good.

I don't know what waffles you're eating because mine's very good.

You should not have had sex with a ghost!

The (BLEEP) was I supposed to know she was a ghost?

-Why? What's gonna happen? -I don't know!

(STAMMERING) I just remember, when you die, the first thing they tell you,

the very first thing they say is,

the dead cannot (BLEEP) the living and the living cannot (BLEEP) the dead.

And I remember I was like, "Where am I? Is this heaven?

"Are you God?" And they're like, "Shut up!"

They grab you by the shoulders and they shake you and they say, "Shut up, you (BLEEP)!"

They shake you and they say, "Don't worry about any of that right now, you (BLEEP)!"

The only thing that matters is that you are not allowed to (BLEEP) the living

and the living better not (BLEEP) you!

-They use the word (BLEEP)? -I know!

I know! It is shocking.

The whole thing is unbelievably shocking.

-Well, did they say what would happen? -No!

They just said something (BLEEP) up would happen.

The whole universe would be (BLEEP).

So crass! Who are these people?

Angels, God. All of them.

(SIREN BLARING)

PIGEON: What is that?

It's a warning siren. For a tornado.

Oh!

Oh, no! This is it! This is the end!

-Get away from the window! -Don't touch me!

We have to get to the basement.

It doesn't matter!

Nothing can save us, you stupid bitch!

You don't need to be saved, you idiot! You're already dead!

You can die over and over.

That was another thing they said.

And each time, it's worse than before!

The next time I come back,

I won't be able to touch things or be touched!

And then the death after that one, oh!

I won't even look like me anymore. No!

I'll be one of those "bed sheet with eyeholes cut out" ghosts.

And I... Oh!

Ah, (BLEEP), did you just wet yourself?

What difference does it make, Pigeon?

None of it matters!

We're all gonna die and it's all your fault!

I hate you!

I hate all of you and I always have!

(SOBBING)

Get it over with, you (BLEEP) coward!

(SIREN BLARING)

Oh, shit, is that my phone?

-(BEEP) -(SIREN STOPS)

This is Mike Tyson.

Damn, really?

Okay, well, I guess it takes the time that it takes.

Thanks for calling.

(BLEEP) Mystery Mobile is not gonna be ready till tomorrow.

MARQUESS: I'll just sit here, ready to take what you've got!

YUNG HEE: Should we go get him?

PIGEON: Nah.

ANNABELLE: Hey, Richard.

Don't "Hey, Richard" me.

Why didn't you tell me you were a ghost?

You know I've always prided myself on the fact

that I've never (BLEEP) a dead person?

And believe me, there have been plenty of opportunities.

What are you talking about?

Your parents told us you've been dead for six years.

Ugh, dead to them.

Ever since they found out I was a stripper,

they refused to acknowledge my existence.

Oh, my God, are you Mike Tyson?

LESLIE: What are you doing in here?

I live here, Daddy!

Not in the main house.

You stay in the barn.

With the other animals.

I'm just doing my laundry!

What for? You're just gonna strip out of them clothes anyway!

I hate you, old man!

I hope you die!

-You coming? -PIGEON: Huh?

Yeah. Yeah, sure.

She's not a ghost, Marquess. She's a stripper.

MARQUESS: Mmm-hmm.

I really got some egg on my face.

(EXCLAIMS) I'm nude!

What the (BLEEP) is Dierks Bentley?

Here, grab the wheel.

-What? -I have to put on my makeup.

I gotta be on stage in 20 minutes.

Well, I can't really see anything, but whatever.

Must be nice, living in Hollywood,

doing whatever you want whenever you wanna do it.

My cousin went to Hollywood once.

She said it's nothing but mai tais and coconut trees as far as the eye can see.

-Is that true? -Yes.

I gotta get out of this town.

I got big dreams. You wanna know what they are?

Listen, should I keep driving straight or...

Oh, go left up here.

I wanna open a pie shop.

Everyone always says I'm good at two things,

givin' head and makin' pies.

But since there's no such thing as a givin' head shop,

I guess I'll just open a pie shop.

Oh, (BLEEP), you just passed it.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(GOAT BLEATING)

LESLIE: Well, I surely appreciate you gentlemen helping with the chores.

Oh, it's the least we can do, sir.

Thank you for letting us stay another night.

Do I need a bucket?

Oh, no, I got another job for you, son.

-You like horses? -Yeah!

This is our draft horse, Lady.

-Ah, she's beautiful. -You're gonna put her down.

-What? -Well, I can't do it.

My writing hand is my shooting hand.

Here, this is a Scolnick arm single-shot pistol.

It was my granddaddy's

and if it was good enough for him,

it'll be good enough for you.

She's a good girl.

You wanna shoot her right between the eyes.

Just don't let that bullet get high on you.

If it gets above the brow line,

it'll bounce off her skull bone

and that'll set her off.

She'll stomp you till there's nothing left of you.

(LADY SNORTING)

PIGEON: Wait, you... You strip at Parme?

No, the club's round back.

Xxxtra Parme.

Uh, I hope you brought your wallet

because from 11:00 a.m. to 3:00 p.m.,

these titties ain't free.

Jesus Christ, it's 12:45.

She's an hour and 45 minutes late to a four-hour shift.

(MILKING)

(BLEATING)

Damn, Marquess, how'd you do that?

Have you done this before?

No, I've never done this before.

Shit, you got so much more than I got!

I didn't get so much more than you.

Leslie, come see how much Marquess got out of this goat.

We don't need to show Leslie.

Good Lord, fellow!

Have you done this before?

No, I have not done this before!

I haven't seen anyone get that goat to produce like that since...

(VOICE BREAKING) Since Annabelle.

God rest her soul.

Oh, come on!

Don't you think it's a bit extreme to say your daughter's dead to you

just because she's a stripper?

It's not just the strippin'.

It's the taking of the men she strips for back to our farm

and druggin' them and sexin' them

and cuttin' off their penises

and bakin' those penises into a pie!

What the (BLEEP) did you just say?

We pleaded with Annabelle to stop. We said,

"If you continue this behavior, you'll be dead to us."

Well, of course she went ahead and brought another fella back to the farm

and she sexed him and cut off his penis

and cooked it up and put it in a pie.

And so we said, "Now you've really done it,

"and now you are dead to us!"

(GUN FIRING)

(STAMMERING) It just went off!

I was just holding it and it went off!

Yeah, it does that from time to time.

It's a 160-year-old pistol.

Probably should just be in a museum.

Come on, Yung.

We gotta save Pigeon before he becomes a penis pie.

Why is there no one else here?

We close at 3:00.

Is that why there's no music?

Uh-uh. Speaker's broke.

You know what you make me wanna do?

Give me head?

-Make pie. -Make... What?

(SIGHS) Damn.

(BOTH SINGING) ♪ And as you're greeted in the garden of Jesus

♪ May He shepherd His grace on ye

♪ Amen ♪

(NEIGHING ANGRILY)

-(GASPS) -Lady!

(SCREAMS) No!

What the (BLEEP), man? Where is it?

I told you, with birds, it doesn't stay out all the time.

It withdraws up into the body cavity.

-Well, get it out! -I can't.

It only comes out when I'm turned on!

And I'm definitely not turned on right now.

Then I'll just have to cut it out myself.

-MARQUESS: Pigeon! -Let him go!

The only place his penis is going is with us.

Oh, let's see.

One, two, three more penises to add to my pie.

Why does everyone think I'm a boy?

It's your haircut and I've told you that.

Oh, (BLEEP), we're in trouble.

-No! -(NEIGHING ANGRILY)

(NEIGHING)

(MARQUESS PANTING)

Oh! She spared us!

She spared our lives!

(NEIGHING ANGRILY)

MARQUESS: Thank you, Lady. Be free!

(HORN HONKING)

(BOTH SINGING) ♪ And as you're greeted in the garden of Jesus

♪ May He shepherd His grace on ye ♪

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)