Original subtitles

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

MIKE: Oh, hell, yeah.

Everybody, come outside. My new vanity plates are here.

Didn't you just get vanity plates?

Yeah, now that I'm not a vegetarian anymore,

I need new ones.

Oh, my God.

Why does it say that?

Beef Is Succulent,

Egg Tyson, X-rated in terms of deliciousness,

Unbelievably Appetizing and Luscious.

Or for short, "Bisexual."

Oh, damn! We can't put these on a mystery mobile!

It's false advertisement,

unless one of you are bisexual.

-Yung? -I'm not bisexual.

Yung, why must you constantly be disappointing us?

Uh, okay. Who wants to hear the new mystery, hmm?

"Dear Mike Tyson Mystery Team, I need your help immediately.

"I am not being dramatic when I say,

"this is a matter of life and death.

"Yours, Jules Leher Warren,

"Head of Dramaturgy and Dramatic Arts of

"Ye Swordsmen and Swords ladies,

"Dramatic Theater Company, Bennington, Vermont."

(GASPS) Oh! And there's a pressed flower.

PIGEON: Hey, he might be a bisexual.

You can give him, you can give him your plates.

I mean, probably not. Probably, just a gay guy.

But there's a chance.

MIKE: Welcome to Bennington, everybody!

Oh, we should all get coats here at the coat factory.

You mean Burlington?

Right, Burlington Coat Factory, yes.

Mmm, this is Bennington.

Yeah, that's what I said. Bennington Coat Factory.

No, one is Burlington and one is Bennington.

They got two coat factories? Which one came first?

Shit.

I bet whoever it is, is pissed at the second one.

Man, I'm not a lawyer but I bet they can sue the shirts off of them.

Then I bet the other one would just be like, "(BLEEP) that, man.

"We sell different coats than you do.

"Like, windbreakers and (BLEEP)"

I bet that's a loophole, huh.

Hey, Pigeon, you awake?

Unfortunately, yes.

Hey, man, what are you most excited to do in Vermont?

(EXHALING) Let's see. Maybe...

Set myself on fire, video tape it, post it.

Oh, buy some maple syrup.

-Oh, I forgot about the maple syrup. -(SIREN BLARING)

-PIGEON: Hmm. -What?

(PIGEON GASPS)

We're being pulled over! Oh, my God.

They'll put us all in jail!

Does anyone has any drugs on them? Eat them!

You've got to get rid of them. (YELLS) Eat them!

I would, but I put mine in your coat pocket.

What? Where? Where? You asshole!

In that one, the interior one.

(GASPS) What is this?

Take it!

I don't want to take it right now.

-I want to take it tonight. -MARQUESS: (SOBBING) Oh, my God.

Here. Here, here, Yung, you take it.

-I'm not taking that! -(CHARLIE WHIMPERING)

(PANTING) Oh, God. Oh, God.

(GASPING) Oh. Oh, God.

(YELLING) Hey, what the (BLEEP)?

Is there a problem, Officer?

May I see your license and registration, please?

Wait here, please.

(GASPING)

What were those? What were those!

It's called "Infinite Nightmare."

-Oh, my God. -What?

A chemist friend of mine makes them.

They're basically a dissociative hallucinogenic

that uh, takes you to places you... You don't want to visit.

(SOBBING) Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Any idea why I pulled you over today?

Because I'm a black man?

No, sir, you're driving a vehicle with no license plates.

Well, I don't know what to tell you.

All right. I'm not bisexual.

Okay, I don't know if that has to do with anything,

but you can't drive this vehicle without plates.

Can I give you a lift somewhere?

(SIGHS)

(WHISPERING) I think I'm starting to feel it. Oh, God.

Just go with it. Don't fight it.

Trust me.

(YELLS) You do not want to fight it.

(WHISPERING) Well, don't yell at me. Do not yell!

-(JANGLING) -I'll fight it, if you yell!

(SNIFFING)

COP: That's my partner, Buster.

We've been together six years.

-(GROWLING) -(WHIMPERING)

Kill yourself.

(GASPING AND MOANING)

(GASPING)

ACTOR: You may to me,

and 'tis most meet you should.

ACTRESS 1: Neither to you nor anyone,

having no witness to confirm my speech.

JULES: Genevieve, that's your cue.

"Confirm my speech." That's your cue!

We have to pick up our cues, people!

ACTOR: You see, her eyes are open.

ACTRESS 1: Aye, but the senses shut.

ACTOR: What is it she does now?

-ACTOR 1: Look, how she... -Who wrote this piece of shit?

ACTRESS 1: It is an accustomed action with her

-to seem thus washing her hands. -(CHARLIE GROANING)

I have known her continue in this a quarter of an hour.

(GASPING)

Hey, what is it? You seeing something down there?

Spiders! Wait, wait. You don't see them?

Millions of tiny spiders.

Oh, yeah, sure. I see them.

You know they look poisonous?

(SCREAMING LOUDLY)

ACTRESS 2: One. Two.

Why, then, 'tis time to do 't.

Hell is murky!

-Come on, Genevieve. -Fie my Lord, fie!

JULES: Do it a little better.

-GENEVIEVE: A soldier, and afeard? -You can do...

-Come on. -What need we fear...

-Go girl, go. Come on. -...who knows it when

none can call our power to account!

This is (BLEEP) revolting.

Are you (BLEEP)ing kidding me, Jules?

Jesus Christ. I don't know what you want

and honestly, it's incredibly distracting if...

-Money and lives are involved here! -Are all of these lines

-in the verse? -There's a lot on the line.

-I'm remembering the patter, the pantemic, whatever. -There's a lot involved

-in the lines, on the line. -Oh, fine.

MARQUESS: (SOBBING) Oh, God. Get off of me!

Off! Off! Damn you.

(MOANS) They're everywhere.

Feasting on my very flesh.

I wipe them away, but they remain.

Step fast as grim death. Death!

(WHISPERING) Is that what awaits me?

Some might say, I am already dead.

A ghost, a vision.

But tell me, sir, do I not feel?

There is poison in me.

There's a poison most foul and I must be rid o'er it.

Fie! Fie! Fie, my Lord. Fie!

(SOBBING)

That's what I'm talking about, Genevieve.

That's what I'm talking about.

Now who are you and where were you when we were doing

Merry Wives of Windsor?

Would he not have been perfect as Bardolph?

Oh, he really would have.

Oh, you would have been wonderful.

-He would have slayed as Bardolph. -Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.

He would have absolutely slayed.

That's Marquess, he is a member of the Mystery Team.

Oh, you made it.

Everyone, keep rehearsing. I'll be right back.

-What do we do with Marquess? -(MARQUESS SOBBING)

He seems good here.

(MARQUESS WAILING LOUDLY)

Time is of the essence, so I'll make this quick.

-Can I get you anything? -No.

Oh, you know what? I, I, I need a salad.

Does everyone want a salad? Four salads.

Caesar okay? Caesar.

Does anyone want a souffle? I need a souffle.

Those do take about 45 minutes.

That's fine. We're in no rush.

So what's going on? What's the mystery?

(SIGHS) Okay.

What is the one thing you're never supposed to do in a theater?

BOTH: Jack off.

Yes but no.

It's never speak the name, "Macbeth."

Otherwise, you'll invite disaster.

Didn't you just say Macbeth?

Oh, (BLEEP) I just said Macbeth.

No, it's only if you say it inside the theater.

That's why I took you to this restaurant.

Well, and I've had to eat today

is a pack of gum and a buttered lobster.

(CHUCKLES) Don't tell my wife.

-What? Your wife? -Yes.

So, you think someone in the cast said, "Macbeth"?

Well, we'd have nothing but bad luck since our first rehearsal.

A stage light fell. On the way home from the theater.

Howard nearly got into a fender-bender.

The light in the women's bathroom went out.

Just totally out.

So that's two lights that we've had trouble with.

So that's got to mean something.

So what do you want us to do?

Find out who said it.

And you just can't ask the cast directly.

They're actors.

They're always playing a part. They're lying.

You'll never know it because

we're taking about some of the finest actors out there.

Some true gems.

I'm so sorry. We're out of the souffle.

(SCOFFS) See, what I'm talking about?

It's not your fault, honey.

It's the Bard's curse.

(ON RADIO) ...Bid thy mistress, when my drink is...

What the hell are we listening to?

It's our very first rehearsal.

When I direct a play, I like to be totally immersed in it.

It's like I live and breathe! (GASPS)

Here comes the dagger speech.

Is this a dagger which I see before me,

The handle toward my hand?

Just listen to that language.

Brad doesn't get any of the subtext,

but that's why it's called "rehearsal!"

Come, let me clutch thee!

I have thee not, and yet I see thee still.

Stop, stop, stop, Brad. Brad, stop.

Who are you? Who is this?

Because I sure as hell am not seeing Macbeth.

But I cast you as Macbeth, in the play Macbeth.

So for (BLEEP) sake, give me Macbeth!

How many (BLEEPING) times do I have to say Macbeth in this theater

before you start acting like Macbeth, Hmm?

Macbeth. Huh? Macbeth...

-(BLEEPING) Mac... -(TURNS OFF RADIO)

Hmm, I guess that solves that.

PIGEON: (EXHALES) Well, it wasn't a total waste.

We had all those good salads.

Hold on. First we have to reverse the curse.

Now this is an old theater tradition. So, bear with me.

(SING-SONGY) Thrice around the circle bound,

evil sink into the ground.

Oh, my God.

There!

Good news, everyone. The curse has been lifted.

Our nightmare is finally over.

-MIKE: What the (BLEEP) -(JULES GASPS)

The Bard's curse.

I didn't lift it in time.

(SOBBING)

(MARQUESS SOBBING)

(SOFTLY) I killed them. I killed all the demons.

Just like the voices told me to.

(SNIGGERING) You sure did, buddy.

You got rid of all the demons.

(MARQUESS SOBS)

(MOANING)

I feel like I slept for ten hours.

(SIGHS) Thank God!

I think that stuff is finally out of my system.

Please tell me I didn't do anything crazy while I was on it.

-No, uh-uh. No. -MARQUESS: Ah, good.

What about all the people he killed?

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND WHISTLING)

Me? Oh, this is so wondrous.

Genevieve, you pulled it out. I knew you would.

I am sorry I yelled, but it always turns around!

Everyone, this is for you and for me, more.

But thank you. Thank me.

Thank you.