Original subtitles

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

REPORTER: The incident unfolded shortly after 8 P.M.,

when police say three men attempted to break into the vault

of the Westing Savings and Loan Building on Cashmin Drive.

The men took a number of hostages,

including bank President, Eric Vennerbeck,

who was seriously wounded.

Thankfully, there were no fatalities

due to the heroic actions of former heavy-weight champ, Mike Tyson.

Uh, Mr. Tyson, what happened?

How is it you happen to be inside the bank tonight?

Well, that's a long story.

(CHUCKLES) Probably about 11 minutes.

Man, let's see.

I was at my house getting the mail...

Oh, hell, yeah! Hell, yeah!

They're finally here. Yeah, yeah.

Everybody come outside.

Check it out. My new vanity plates.

You know, because I'm a vegetarian again.

-Dad. -But...

I'm sorry, I'm so confused.

Beef is gross, unethical, and yucky.

So, that's what you see when you read that?

-Okay. -What?

PIGEON: (LAUGHS) No, it's great.

"Beef is gross, unethical, and yucky." (CHUCKLING)

I mean, that's all I see.

I bet so many vegetarians are gonna like this, they're gonna honk at me.

Well, maybe not vegetarians.

(CAR HONKING)

He must be a vegetarian.

We like to put the same thing in our mouth!

(CAR HONKING)

"Dear Mike Ty..." Oh.

Do... Do you want to read it?

Why would I want to read it?

Well, because you never get to read them.

Get to read them?

Like it's a big (BLEEP). I don't give a shit about any of this.

So you just want me to read it?

I don't care if you shove it up your (BLEEP).

Ah! Well that's a lovely thing to say to a young woman.

-(PIGEON LAUGHS) -(YUNG SCOFFS)

"Dear Mike Tyson Mystery Team.

"We would like to meet with you regarding a mystery.

"Barbara Fletcher, Executive Assistant, Westing Savings and Loan."

PIGEON: I want to return something.

Return a product!

-Yung, press the button. -What? Why?

-So we can get the ticket. -PIGEON: Returns!

Well, why don't you press it?

Mother (BLEEP). Returns!

I don't wanna get germs.

You know how many people press that thing.

I bet it's covered in E. coli, or something.

But you want me to touch it?

You're not gonna get E. coli. It's very rare.

I just can't risk it, because I'm a celebrity, you know.

(SIGHS)

Oh, my God! Customer service.

Customer service!

MARQUESS: What are you returning? PIGEON: Mattress pad.

MARQUESS: Oh. PIGEON: Yes, hi.

I'm trying to return a... (STAMMERS)

Hello? Hello?

Oh, my God, are you (BLEEP) kidding me?

Why am I not getting any service?

PIGEON: Where the (BLEEP) are we?

Which tower are we going to?

I'm sure it says on the note.

-Damn, I left it at home. -Oh, well.

Okay, team meeting. Let's take a vote.

All those in favor of the North Tower say, "Aye".

All those in favor of the South Tower say, "Nay".

On the count of three, everyone say their vote.

One, two, three, North.

Okay, North has it.

Well, again, I'm so sorry, but you were 40 minutes late

and Mr. Vennerbeck had to go to his next meeting.

Yeah, we went to the wrong tower.

Twice. We went to the wrong tower, twice.

Which doesn't seem possible but we did it.

Then you should have voted.

Marquess, you forfeited your right to complain if you don't vote.

Uh, can we reschedule for some time tomorrow?

-Oh, I have something tomorrow. -What?

-What do you have? -A (BLEEP) life!

How about that, huh?

That I'm trying to live.

Okay, does tomorrow at 3:00 work?

-A.M. or P.M.? -Um, P.M.

Oh, good, but we would have made either one work.

Do you need validation for the valet?

-Valet? -We, we didn't use the valet.

Well, definitely use them, when you come back tomorrow.

We are so excited to talk about the mystery.

-Yung, press the button. -(SIGHS)

So, Mr. Tyson, can you tell us some of the mysteries you've done in the past?

Oh, with that bunch?

Let's see. We have one where a house was haunted.

-Huh. -We had one where Yung got kidnapped.

Oh, so you all participate in the mysteries.

Absolutely. We're a team.

Maybe we should go ahead and start talking numbers.

How much do you charge?

Oh, we don't charge for mysteries.

Jesus Christ. Why do you always have to tell people that?

Well, I would say you're hired

but we should do our due diligence, and meet with a few more people first.

Uh, so why don't we have Barbara call you when we've made our decision.

Well, I guess whatever the mystery is, it's not a time sensitive one.

I like taking these meetings, so, I hope we have more.

Uh, sorry, what kind of vehicle is it?

It's a 1991 Mystery Mobile.

Mmm. You see your keys here?

No, I don't see them.

It's okay. We'll find your car. What's the license plate?

B, I, G, U, Y.

I bet you valet in the other tower.

Hey, you got a vehicle with license plate

"Bi Guy?"

VALET 2: Uh, I'm sorry. Can you repeat that?

Bi guy.

Like... Bisexual guy.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I see it.

Oh, okay.

I bet that's what that thing is over the window.

Like, gay people have the rainbow,

the bisexuals have that.

(CHUCKLES) Pretty cool.

VALET 2: I'll bring it right over.

You're about five minutes, boss.

Hey, can I pet your bird?

-Sure. -PIGEON: What?

MIKE: Hello?

Who? Barbara?

It must be for you. I don't know a Barbara.

I've never met a Barbara in my life.

Come on, give me that. Hello.

Oh, yes, hi.

(GASPS) Oh, wonderful.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Okay, great.

We'll see you Saturday night.

(GASPS) That was the woman from Westing Savings and Loan.

(GASPS) We got the job.

A-ha, no way. We did, huh? That's amazing.

You're not pulling our leg are you? You're serious. We really got the job?

-Are you done? -So what's the mystery?

Okay, well. It's not what we usually do,

but I actually think it'll be a fun change of pace,

so, keep an open mind.

I know what's going on.

They don't think we solve mysteries,

they think that we plan mystery dinner parties.

And they want us to do one for all their employees.

You know, as a, "Thank you for a great year."

What, Michael? How did you know all that?

I got an email from someone named Barbara, like, a week and a half ago.

-Oh, my God. -Wait, so,

these people think we're party planners?

Oh, come on. It'll be fun.

I'll take the lead, please.

I used to throw parties like this all the time.

I threw one for Sir Rodney Pumpbutters

in 1874 for his coming-out party.

Uh, yeah. I wouldn't think you need a coming-out party when your name is

Rodney Pumpbutters.

Not that kind of coming-out.

He was entering society as a gentleman.

It was a different time.

Now, the key to a good mystery party

is the theme.

(GASPS) Oh, I know.

What about Oriental?

The gowns and the silks and the Oriental makeup

with the white face and the red lip, oh!

There's so much we can do with the Oriental costumes,

the bowing, the binding of the little feet,

and there are all those different types of Orientals.

You've got um, concubine.

Your dragon lady, your sumo wrestler man...

Oh! Oh! And the Oriental music.

The gongs and the chimes that the Orientals play so beautifully.

Um, are you aware that you just said Oriental, like, 50 times?

(GASPS) And that's bad?

No, not if you want people to think you're racist.

(GASPS) Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.

Oh! Sometimes I'm just an old fool from the 1800s

who never stops putting his foot in his mouth.

-(LAUGHS) -What? What?

It's some vulgar joke about what I put in my mouth.

Go on, say it.

Oh, no, no, no. Sometimes it's even more special to just...

Keep it in here.

(GASPS) What about a Wild West theme? Huh?

-Cowboys and Indians. -Native Americans.

Okay, you know what. I'm from a different time.

Let it go, okay. I'll figure out a theme myself.

In fact, the less you all know, the better.

It'll be more fun for you.

Now, who's coming with me to the fabric store?

I am! I am!

Oh, well, I asked.

Of course, everyone dressed like cowboys.

I'm the only Indian here... Native American.

-Whose the murderer? -Michael.

I'm not telling you, so quit asking.

-There are clues scattered throughout the party. -(GUN SHOT)

-(SCREAMING) -(GUN SHOTS)

Everybody on the ground. Now!

Except for you.

-Come with me. -VENNERBECK: Okay, okay. Okay, okay.

Whoa, Marquess! That was so surprising, man.

Oh, man, so surprising.

-Whose the murderer? -Michael.

This isn't part of the mystery.

MAN: Shut the (BLEEP) up.

I will blow your (BLEEP) head off.

(LAUGHING) Oh (BLEEP).

(LAUGHING)

This guy is cool. I like this guy.

Give me the code to the vault.

I don't have it.

-(GUN SHOT) -(GUESTS SCREAM)

-(LAUGHS) -ROBBER: The code?

VENNERBECK: I told you. I don't have it.

-(GUN SHOT) -(SCREAMS)

I can't believe... This is great.

(WHISPERING) Michael, do something.

But you haven't told me what my part is.

-(GUN SHOT) -(SCREAMS)

Oh, my God, this is so real. I love it.

So that part went on for way too long, man.

Gunshot, scream. Gunshot, scream.

It was, like, "Man, come on."

Then the actor that was playing the bank robber, right.

He was right next to me, and he, like,

stepped on my (BLEEP) hand,

and, man, I just went crazy, man.

And I beat the shit out of all of them, man.

Maybe I was irritable, because I stopped eating meat.

I don't know.

So I just want to apologize to Westing Savings and Loan

for ruining their mystery party.

But most of all, I want to apologize to Marquess.

Marquess, get in here.

Marquess planned this whole thing.

It was all his idea.

Sorry, did you say he was involved?

Involved? He orchestrated the entire thing.

This is your mastermind right here.

Sir, we're going to have to ask you a few questions.

But... What?

-No! Oh! -Come on.

MARQUESS: No! COP: Hey.

You don't understand. Ow!

Oh, my God, it's all so real...

Except the cops would never treat a white guy like this.

Oh, I get it. Because he's Native American, right?

Suck my nectarine toes... Nail?

-Screaming... -(BUZZER)

In suction cups and...

-celebal, what... -(BUZZER)

-Too hot for you. -(BELL RINGING)

Ah! I can't believe I got that.

You are a queer...

-Tick. -(BUZZER)