Original subtitles

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(INTERCOM RINGING)

MAN (ON INTERCOM): Morgan residence.

Oh, hey, this is Mike Tyson

of the Mike Tyson Mystery Team.

We're here about a mystery.

MAN: Oh, yes.

I'll let you right in.

(PHONE RINGING)

Oh, (BLEEP). It's Deezy.

Hey, Deezy, what's up fool?

Dancing with the Stars? I don't know, man.

I don't think I want to do that.

Okay, well, then convince me why I should do it.

Dad.

Mmm-hmm, okay, mmm-hmm.

-Mmm-hmm... -Dad, the, uh, the gate's closing.

Okay, well, maybe find out how much they pay.

He's seeing how much it pays.

Shit, when are they going to open the (BLEEP) gate?

It already opened.

What? Deezy, I gotta go man. I got, uh, I got a situation.

Now, what are we going to do?

Press the button again and ask them to open the gate.

No way, Marquees.

That will be embarrassing as shit, man.

No, we got to pretend that we're someone else.

-(INTERCOM RINGING) -MAN: Morgan residence.

(IN A CHINESE ACCENT) Oh, special delivery for the Morgan residence.

MAN: Pardon me?

Oh... (BLEEP)

Oh, never mind.

Pigeon, Pigeon, say something.

Uh...

Okay, we're the Mike Tyson Mystery Team.

We (BLEEP) up and didn't drive through when you opened the gate

and we just did a fake accent so...

Will you just open the gate?

And this time we promise to (BLEEP) drive through it.

MAN: Very good.

MIKE: Man, Pigeon, that took some balls.

See, I'd be too embarrassed to say any of that (BLEEP).

You just told them exactly what happened

and it (BLEEP) worked.

Lesson learned.

See, I got to get over my embarrassment.

That's why I'm scared to do Dancing with the Stars, man.

But it's like, you know, how the (BLEEP) cares?

It's like, "Hey, world, this is Mike Tyson and this how I dance."

"If you don't like it, (BLEEP) you!"

Damn, when is this (BLEEP) gonna open the gate?

May I take anyone's coat?

Oh, why thank you.

Oh, you forgot hers.

-I'm fine. -If you will follow me.

They are just finishing up a game of tennis.

PIGEON: What are we doing here again?

MARQUEE: This family is unsure about the man their daughter is marrying

and they want us to find out if there is anything wrong with him.

(TENNIS RACQUET SWISHING)

MAN: Damn!

Still match point though.

Have a seat, we're almost done.

This won't take long!

(BLEEP) Damn it. Deuce.

(GRUNTS) Darn it!

MAN: Match point again.

(BLEEP) Damn it!

Second serve!

Jesus (BLEEP), if he double faults,

I swear I am going to kill myself.

-(RACQUET SWINGING) -(BALL HITTING NET)

MAN: Ah, damn it. Deuce.

Do it.

-(RACQUET SWINGING, BALL HITTING NET) -Damn!

MAN: Damn!

(RACQUET SWINGING)

-(RACQUET SWINGING) -MAN: Long.

-(RACQUET SWINGING) -GIRL: Out.

-MAN: Oh, come on. -(RACQUET SWINGING)

(BALL HITTING NET)

-(RACQUET SWINGING) -GIRL: Long.

-(RACQUET SWINGING) -MAN: Damn it.

(BLEEP) this mystery.

MAN: Damn it.

Sorry the match went so long the other day

but the Morgans play by the rules.

Unlike our prospective son-in-law, Rick.

Why couldn't Amy find someone like Kevin here.

Oh, we fell in love with him the moment Molly introduced us.

-Mmm. -Well, Kevin's a Tri Camma Delta man like me.

Oh, you're in the same fraternity...

BOTH SINGING: ♪ The day's over, the eve draws close

♪ The light begins to fade

♪ We croon our way into thine heart

♪ With a Tri Cam serenade ♪

What the (BLEEP) just happened?

Look, we just don't think Rick fits in with our family.

Yeah, because he is (BLEEP) normal?

Well, what exactly don't you like about him?

I just don't trust him.

He's never around.

He's always traveling for work.

When you ask him about his family, he is incredibly evasive.

And he's ugly.

Molly, it's not about his appearance.

But it's true, Mother. He's got a pig nose.

(SCOFFS) Well...

-Those who live in bitch houses... -What?

-Nothing. -He said "Those who live in bitch houses."

-Pigeon. -We're having the wedding on our private island

in the Caribbean.

We want you to come and meet Rick for yourselves.

Maybe you'll discover what he's hiding.

Or I could do what I should have done the moment he proposed.

Stop the (BLEEP) damn wedding.

Walter.

I mean it, Bitsy.

Never doubt the resolution of a Tri Cam man.

♪ The Tri Cam man resolute and firm

♪ Standing tall and firm

♪ The wind and storm may lash at he

♪ The Tri Cam man stays firm ♪

PIGEON: Was that whole song about your (BLEEP)?

I'm sorry who are you again?

You're friends of Walter's?

Yeah, we were in the same fraternity in college.

So, Rick, we want to ask you a few questions

to get know you better.

Uh, okay.

Which one of these best describes you?

A. I'm a terrorist.

B. I am a white supremacist.

C. All of the above.

What? None!

None is not a choice, Rick.

Well, I, I don't know what you want me to say.

Oh, oh, wait. D. None.

So, D?

Yes, D.

I'm sorry. I really do need to get dressed.

I'm getting married in 15 minutes.

Mmm, problem with time management.

So, can you please leave? I'd like to get dressed in private.

Mmm, body shame.

Please just go.

Oh, for God sakes, let me ask something.

Do you love her?

Amy?

She's everything to me.

I never knew what love was until I met her.

I can't wait to be her husband

and make her the happiest woman in the world

because she's already made me the world's luckiest man.

You're a good man, Rick.

Your body shame, your time management issues

will remain our little secret.

My God, there's a trash can right there.

I don't believe it.

It's true, ma'am.

We conducted a very thorough investigation

and we think Rick is a good dude.

You're saying you didn't find a single thing wrong with him?

Well...

He does have kind of a pig nose.

So you were right.

Well, then I guess we're having a wedding.

-Mother! -What is it, Amy?

-Rick's gone! -What?

No one can find him.

Oh, I knew it. I knew that little prick was bad from day one.

RICK: Help! Help!

-(GROWLING) -(GROANING)

RICK: Help!

Rick!

Amy!

PIGEON: Let's go!

Whoa, No, I...

I meant let's go home.

Well...

At least I should try to (BLEEP) a bridesmaid.

-(GROWLING) -No!

Let go of me!

(GROWLING)

What are you?

(GROWLING)

Walter?

-(GROWLING) -Hello, Rick.

What's going on?

What are these beasts?

These beasts are my children, Rick.

And your brothers.

What?

For many years I have come to this island to have sex with animals.

Naturally, in some cases, unintended pregnancy has been the result.

I've had sexual intercourse with goats, and horses,

wild boar, and deer.

I have lain with the lamb, and the lion.

Although, in that instance only the lion bore a child.

(GROWLING)

Look around you.

These are the fruit of my loins.

As are you.

It's not possible.

-Your mother was a prize-winning Yorkshire pig. -No!

I cannot begin to describe the intense pleasure we shared.

I think that's one of the reasons when you were born,

you were so human-like.

Because I gave her so very much of me.

I couldn't bear to leave you alone in the savage jungle

so I dropped you off at a hospital.

Taking advantage of those safe haven programs

where they don't ask any questions if you leave a newborn.

Well, you can imagine my shock when I realized

you had found your way back to me

through my sweet little Amy.

What's going on here?

Well, I just explained that.

Well, I wasn't here yet.

Fine.

I'm into bestiality and thus the father of all these creatures.

Whoa, (BLEEP), man.

I didn't think you were going to say that.

(GROANS) Walter, what is going on?

My God, I just told them.

I am your wife, Walter.

It's not that easy to talk about

even if it seems like I'm comfortable talking about it. I'm not!

Or I wouldn't have had to buy a private island to do it on.

What are you talking about?

No, not until everyone is here. Where is Molly?

She's coming. Now, what is happening?

No, not until she gets here. I am not talking about this 80 times.

(RUSTLING)

BETSY: There she is.

-Now tell us. -What?

I enjoy sexual...

He (BLEEP) animals.

(BOTH GASPING)

Are you going to talk or am I?

You can go.

It's true.

Oh, my God.

It was a predilection I had picked up in college

at our fraternity house.

What was hazing for some was

pleasurable for others.

So, these things are your children?

Why wouldn't you wear a condom?

For God sake, you may as well not be having sex with an animal at all

if you wear a condom.

I'm sorry, are we having the wedding or not?

(GROWLING)

-Yes. -We are?

I love you.

I don't care that you're half pig.

Mmm...

-(WEDDING BAND PLAYS) -(CROWD CHEERING)

(APPLAUDING)

Ugh, so they don't care

that they're brother and sister?

And she doesn't care that her husband (BLEEP) animals?

All right, let's get the (BLEEP) out of here. Where's Pigeon?

You know, I've never had sex with a bridesmaid before?

You know, I've never had sex with a...

An animal before.

Really? I think a lot of people do it.

And either way you're doing it now.

(MOANING)

♪ The Tri Cam, Tri Cam man

♪ Resolute and firm

♪ Standing tall and firm

♪ The wind and storm may lash at he

♪ But the Tri Cam man stays firm ♪

The Tri Cam man stays firm.

MAN: Yeah.