Original subtitles

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

MIKE: Thank you all for coming out.

We're here, of course, to celebrate Miles and his tremendous weight loss.

He worked with me and the team for the past six months.

And today, we get to show you the result of his hard work.

So, ladies and gentlemen, I give you the new and improved,

Miles Kleffman.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

Who are all these people?

They're all your friends, Miles.

I don't have any friends.

Yeah, I know but that seemed very depressing

so we're paying these people to cheer for you.

Now, before we find out your current weight

let's remind all your friends what you used to look like.

Whoa! Oh, my God.

I forgot how (BLEEP) fat you were. Damn!

But let's see what you weigh now.

(SCALE BEEPING)

One hundred and ninety-seven pounds.

-(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) -What an incredible transformation.

How did we get here? Well, let's just roll the tape to find out.

Okay, we're approaching the house of Miles Kleffman.

The 31-year old, Caucasian male, you know. Think Ryan Gosling.

Like if Ryan Gosling ate a whole other Ryan Gosling

and maybe a couple more Ryan Goslings after that.

(BELL DINGS)

Miles send us a pigeon with a note asking for our help

to get him in shape and help him lose the weight.

Oh! Hello. Are we on TV?

No, this is my agent Deezy.

He's just filming this particular mystery to protect us from, you know,

any liabilities in the result of your, you know, death.

Because you're so fat and whatnot, you know. Come on.

Thanks so much for coming.

I just feel like if I don't get help now I don't know how much longer...

Oh, I didn't hit "Record". Can you say that again?

PIGEON: Jesus Christ, can you do anything?

Give the camera to the Japanese girl and get the (BLEEP) out of here.

(BLEEP) you, mother (BLEEP). You get out of here.

-We're working. -We're working?

We're working? You're not on the team, (BLEEP) for brains.

Well, that's not really your call now, is it, Pigeon?

That's Mike's call. Mike says whether or not I'm on the team.

PIGEON: Mike, is Deezy on the team?

No.

Whoa, whoa, wait. We don't have to make decisions right now.

I mean, Mike's a got a lot on his plate.

First, let's table this. We can talk about it at the next team meeting.

Uh, Miles, you were saying, my man?

(CHEWING) I just don't know where to start.

Well, you could start by putting down that... What is that?

It's a cake sandwich.

What the (BLEEP) is a cake sandwich?

Well, traditionally, two pieces of bread with cake in the middle.

But what I like to do is two pieces of cake... (GROANS)

With a piece of cake in the middle.

-Mmm. -Mmm-hmm. Okay.

Have you ever thought of snacking on vegetables?

I like to make myself a little crudite plate in the afternoon...

I don't like vegetables. I don't like the way they taste.

What about juicing?

Mmm, interesting idea, Yung.

I mean, I never had to do it.

But it is a way to get results fast.

Maybe we can just start with some testosterone. A little blood doping.

Deezy could hook you up with all that (BLEEP).

YUNG HEE: Dad, what are you talking about?

Juicing, anabolic steroids.

Um, I'm talking about juicing fruits and vegetables.

Oh, oh, oh. Oh...

Deezy, you're gonna wanna edit that (BLEEP) out.

PIGEON: Yeah, I wouldn't worry about it, Mike.

I'm guessing, uh, Scorsese over here

forgot to hit "Record" again.

-(BLEEP) you, Pigeon. I know what the hell I'm doing. -(PIGEON LAUGHS)

Oh, (BLEEP). Hey, can we take that again? This button is a little sticky.

Hello, I'm Mrs. Kleffman.

Miles's mom.

Nice to meet you, ma'am. We're here help your son lose some weight.

What? Miles doesn't need to lose any weight.

Why? So he can get in shape and find a job

and meet a pretty girl and start a family and leave me to die alone?

(CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY)

-He is perfect just the way he is. -(MILES MUMBLING)

RECEPTIONIST: We basically have three tiers of memberships available.

I'll be honest with you.

I think our best one is our Platinum membership

which is 36 months at $300 down and $29 a month.

That gets you 24-hour access to the gym and unlimited cardio classes and...

I'm just gonna be honest with you. You came at the perfect time

because I think they're not gonna offer that deal for that much longer.

Okay, let's do it.

Hold it, Mike. 36 months?

That's too big a commitment.

We don't wanna be involved with the same guy for 36 months.

Come on, now.

You got anything less than 36 months?

Our Silver level is 18 months but I'm gonna be honest with you.

That's not as good a deal as the Platinum.

Man, why do keep saying that?

Keep saying that "I'm gonna be honest with you."

You know, I think is you're a (BLEEP) liar.

How much is the Silver one?

Oh, that's $400 down and $19 a month.

But no cardio classes

and you can only use the locker room on off-peak time.

And what are those times?

MAN: Well, peak times

are between 8:00 a.m. and 10 a.m.

and 12:00 p.m. and 2:00 p.m. and 4:00 p.m. and 7:00 p.m.

And that's when you can use it or you can't use it?

Can't use it.

-MIKE: And what's in there? -Uh, what?

What's in that locker room?

Oh, I'm gonna be honest with you. It's just a regular locker room.

That means he's lying. I bet it's a great locker room.

What is this, 1950? (CHUCKLES)

Look at this bitch, air drying her sheets.

Oh, (BLEEP). It's that kid's pants.

Oh, we're getting rid of all this food

but what he really need is rid of his that mother.

I mean she is so afraid of being alone

that she's basically willing to throw her own son's life away...

(LAUGHING)

That's so funny. That's some... That's very funny, Pigeon.

I didn't say anything.

You are such an asshole.

I mean, I'm sorry

but getting this young man a gym membership is pointless.

Michael is delusional

if he thinks... (LAUGHING)

Aw, Pigeon. Ah, that is so funny.

What? What did you say, Pigeon?

Well, I was talking about this friend of mine

who went to the doctor 'cause he had a sore back and they told him...

He has about six months to live, at most.

Man, he has two young kids.

Then, Marquess started laughing.

You know, I don't get it.

I just don't understand how someone could laugh at that.

That's (BLEEP) up, Marquess. That's real (BLEEP) up.

-YUNG HEE: Did you get the gym membership? -Nah.

I didn't have my wallet and Deezy got bad credit.

We'll just had to work him out in the backyard.

You're just a huge, big asshole.

I'll tell you what the kid needs is Yung his (BLEEP).

(GASPS) What?

Huh? Calm down. It's not what you think.

You're saying he needs to have sex with me.

Oh. It is what you think.

I'm sorry. How would that help him lose weight?

Let me tell you a story.

I was once a fat shit no different than Miles there.

I was 13 and miserable.

One day my Dad shows up out of nowhere and throws me in the car with him.

Says we're going out on a fishing trip.

Well, we drove all night. He was a drunk.

Didn't talk much.

I think I was asleep when we crossed the border into Mexico.

Some small place.

We pulled up. I said, "Is this the lake?"

Ha, he just laughed and went in.

It was a whorehouse, of course.

They brought 'em up, lined 'em up.

He had me choose. Oh, I'll never forget it.

Older, smelled like cigarettes.

She laughed and took me upstairs.

I remember looking back at my father but he was busy, picking out one for himself.

(SCOFFS) What a piece of shit.

My God, what are you telling us?

Huh? That I (BLEEP) this woman.

Yeah, I felt great for the first time in my life.

Got a ton of confidence. Lost a bunch of weight.

Why, it turned my life around.

Welp,

something to think about.

He is seriously disturbed.

I know, that's so crazy.

(THINKING) Or is it?

It's not like my virginity doesn't constantly weigh on my shoulders.

It's like a noose around my neck.

I mean, if you look past the physical stuff,

he is a person.

A heart, a soul. (SIGHS)

Come on, Yung. What are you so scared of?

(INHALES)

(EXHALES) I'm gonna do it.

I'm gonna lose my virginity to Miles Kleffman.

(MILES GAGGING AND VOMITING)

DEEZY: Oh, damn!

-Yeah, okay. No, I'm not. -You're not what?

He got it all over my (BLEEP) shoes.

Come on, we're getting out of here now, man.

We solved the mystery.

Mom! Mom!

Miles, honey. What happened to you?

Oh, you poor thing.

I'm gonna draw you a bath

and then I'm gonna make you a grilled cheese sandwich.

Shame on you people.

You pushed him too hard. He can't do it.

Miles, you might not wanna hear this

but if you wanna change your life

you gonna have to free yourself from your mother.

I know you can do this.

(EXCLAIMS) You're covered in vomit.

MIKE: For us the journey ended

but for Miles, it was just the beginning.

(BUTTON CLICKS)

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

Aside from all the support we gave you that one day,

when we were at your house, um,

what do you think was the key to your success?

Well, I took your advice and went out and got a juicer.

Wow, that's tremendous.

-Let's hear it for Miles. Come on. -(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

Now, I'm sure it wasn't easy.

There must have been days when you cheated on your diet.

Well... (LAUGHS)

I knew it, I knew it.

Well, as a fun surprise

what do you say we take a look at a little secret footage

that we got here from our snack cam.

What are you talking about? You put cameras in my house?

Roll it, Yung.

Oh, Miles.

Check those pajamas, man. You look hungry.

What are we gonna get into?

Pie? Miles, what are you thinking, fool?

Okay, fast forward.

Ah, (BLEEP).

What's he gonna do? What's he gonna do?

Oh, I do that. Okay, okay, let's see one more.

Let's see one more.

MILES: Can we just stop it?

MIKE: Come on, Miles, we're just having some fun.

Uh-oh. Looks like your mom's got the munchies too, Miles.

Hope you got enough bacon.

-(CLANKS) -(AUDIENCE GASPING)

MIKE: What the (BLEEP)?

-(CLANKING) -MAN: Oh.

(AUDIENCE MURMURING)

Oh... Oh, my God.

(BONES CRACKING)

-(SAW BUZZING) -(AUDIENCE GASPING)

Holy (BLEEP), he juiced his mom!

(BLENDER WHIRRING)

(AUDIENCE GASPING)

I told you, you should have (BLEEP) him.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(CLICKS TONGUE) I taste a little nectar here,

a little orange is in there.

What's that word?

Starts with, uh... Pomegranate in here.

Pomegranate is good.

We keep calling it Chinese apples, it's pomegranate.

Mmm.

It could be orange.

I didn't wanna say the word, "Juice". There's juice in here as well.

(THEME MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING)