Original subtitles

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(MARQUESS HUMMING)

MIKE: What the... (BLEEP)

Michael! What on earth are you doing?

There's no pigeons in the pigeon coop.

Not one! Not one (BLEEP) pigeon.

Ugh, good riddance, right? (CHUCKLES)

I'm sorry. I mean, I'm sorry, but pigeons are disgusting.

They're dirty, they're vile, they're disease ridden.

Oh, and they're ugly... (GASPS)

How long have you been standing there?

Did you hear what I said? Because you heard it wrong.

Yeah. It's, it's not what you think.

I was, um... (LAUGHS)

Ah, I was joking! It was a joke.

I knew you were there, that's why I said it. (LAUGHS)

To be funny.

Okay, I didn't know you were there. I just...

(EXHALES) I wanted, um...

The reason I said those things,

those terrible things,

was I just, um, wanted to hear 'em, yeah.

I wanted to hear what they sound like

coming out of my mouth,

um, so that later...(SCOFFS)

Okay, okay, okay. That doesn't make any sense. Um...

Okay, look, don't go making this into something it's not.

I didn't mean you. I meant them.

Not them, I don't mean them. I'm not...

-(DOOR OPENS) -Making about...

They're gone. The pigeons. They're all gone.

Yeah, I don't get why you ever had them in the first place.

-They're disgusting. -(GASPS)

-Asshole. -What could it mean?

No one is sending messages asking for help

by carrier pigeons anymore?

It's kind of surprising that anyone was sending messages

by carrier pigeon ever.

Hey, wait a minute.

Maybe no one's sending messages

asking us to solve their mysteries

because there's no more mysteries to be solved.

We solved them all.

Guys, our work is done.

Turn in your tracksuits.

The Mike Tyson mystery team is official disband.

-I never got a tracksuit. -Me either.

Yung, it's time for you to follow your own dreams

and go to college.

Dad, I'm already enrolled. I've been taking classes at night.

(BLEEPS) A. Get that knowledge, girl.

Get that knowledge.

That's where you go, class?

You know, I always thought

you were one of those good girls by day,

bad girls by night types.

You know, like that movie Angel.

-What? -You never saw Angel?

Come on, there were like three of 'em.

Early days of cable, they showed it all the time.

You'd keep watching hoping to catch

a little tit action and you couldn't rewind.

Yeah, they didn't have rewind back then

so you had to watch the (BLEEP) thing again.

(CHUCKLES) Yeah.

Nothin'? You never saw Angel?

(BLEEP)

When the (BLEEP) were you born?

-1998. -Oh, my God, 1998.

I am so much older than you.

As a token of my gratitude for all of your hard work

as a Mike Tyson Mystery Team member,

please enjoy this margarita machine.

Oh, okay.

Marquess, you came from beyond the grave

to save me from myself,

and to give back to others by solving mysteries.

I have done that.

I never said solve mysteries.

Now you should go and save another heavyweight champion from himself.

-Michael, I think... -I suggest Larry Holmes.

-Michael... -Please, Marquess.

Sometimes I worry about Larry Holmes.

Oh, my God.

Ah, take the margarita machine, Marquess.

Ugh.

YUNG: Hmm.

Why do you have so many margarita machines?

Well, when you're a celebrity, people just send (BLEEP) over to you, you know.

I got tons of 'em. Here.

Well, thank you for this incredibly personal

and thoughtful gift, Mike.

Dad, where're you going?

I don't know.

Damn.

What am I going to do now?

Maybe I should just lay down and die.

I've done all I could do in this life.

(HORN BLARES)

It's my time.

The light. Go to the light.

Hey, wait a second. That's pigeon shit.

Where're you going, little guy?

My house is that way!

Snoop Dogg?

What up, Mike?

I didn't know you had a house here, brother.

(BLEEP) Yeah, I got a big (BLEEP) house in St. Louis, too.

Let me show you my succulents.

Oh, no, no, thank you. I'm into women.

I'm talkin' about desert fauna, fool.

I got five kinds of aloes, two types of burrow tails

and a (BLEEP) load of blue agave to play off

the Moroccan blue of the pots.

Hey, Mike, would you mind turnin' off the water?

Sure thing, brother.

See, many people think you don't got to water this shit.

But you do. See, that's the (BLEEP) misconception.

Yeah, I thought you didn't have to water that (BLEEP) at all, my man.

For real? Well, now you know.

Now, I know.

So, what's going on?

Man, I think I saw a pigeon fly to your house.

But I bet it was trying to fly to my house.

I bet it got lost.

No, I don't think he got lost.

That's a pigeon coop?

SNOOP DOGG: As envisioned by architect Frank Gehry.

Pigeons love it.

But they sometimes have trouble

with those Gehry curves.

I didn't even know you was into pigeons, man.

-(BLEEP) -Oh, yeah.

They bring me messages from people in need.

And helping them, you know, it makes me feel good about myself.

And it fills my life with meaning.

-Hey, but that's mine. -But I don't just do it alone.

I got a whole team.

A child prodigy scientist,

-a mountain lion... -(PURRS)

...and my main man Ross Matthews.

-Good to see you. -Oh.

And we got a Russian military helicopter

that takes us where we want to go.

Aren't those expensive, man?

If you think 12 million is expensive.

Yeah, I think it is.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

I'm also in the process of making an animated show about my adventures

called Snoop Dogg's Unsolved Situations.

You're gonna have a cartoon made out of you.

I always wanted to have a cartoon out of me.

Personally, I don't care for cartoons.

But I let my business manager...

Deezy, he handles all of that kind of (BLEEP)

(BLEEP) Deezy.

Hey, help, I'm in peril.

Snoopy, help, I'm in peril.

Oh, Snoop, I don't know how I'm gonna say this,

but, man, solving mysteries

is kinda like, um, you know, my thing.

That's cool. I hear you, but...

I solve unsolved situations.

So that's totally different.

Mike, we're cool, right?

Yeah, uh, unsolved situations is different than mysteries.

Yeah, uh, we're cool.

-We're cool, yeah, we're cool. -Yoo-hoo, Snoopy!

-(HELICOPTER BLADES WHIR) -We have a new unsolved situation.

(CRYING)

Why'd you tell him you're cool?

You're not cool. You're crying.

(SOBBING) I'm not crying.

(STUTTERING) My eyes are just sweatin' a little bit, that's all.

(CONTINUES CRYING)

"I need your help. Sincerizzle." Snoop Dogg?

Whoa, you know what this means?

That "sincerely," not the best word

to add "izzle" to.

No, it means that we gotta get the team back together.

I don't think it has to mean that.

The sphere of influence of the Han empire

opened up the Silk Road

-that connected China to... -Yung!

Where Yung Hee at?

-Dad? -Come on, Yung.

We got us a mystery to solve.

Dad, I'm kind of in the middle of...

You're Yung Hee Tyson?

Oh, how come you never say that?

You are famous. Get out of here.

Go with your dad. Go solve your mystery.

Asian Studies. (BLEEP) Damn, Yung.

You are Asian. You don't need to study it.

1999?

(CHUCKLES) You were born in 1999?

(BLEEP) I'm so (BLEEP) old.

I'm sorry, I'm very confused.

He sent you to come here and live with me

because he's worried about me?

And you say you are a ghost?

Um, yes. I mean, basically.

What do you mean "basically"?

What am I leavin' out?

(SIGHS) Nothing.

-Well, you tell Mike Tyson... -(VEHICLE APPROACHING)

...Larry Holmes is doing just fine.

And I think you should go live with him,

-because I'm worried about him. -(HONKS)

Hey, Larry, I need Marquess back!

I know you probably need him to save you from all of your problems,

but I need him more.

Well, I should probably just...

Get the (BLEEP) out of here.

Uh-huh.

Thanks for comin', Mike.

I got a big old (BLEEP) mystery on my hands.

Is it who ripped up all your succulents?

'Cause that was me.

I did it after I left your house.

You said was I cool?

And I should have told you the truth.

I was not cool.

But now I'm cool again 'cause I'm back doin' what I was put on this Earth to do.

So what's the big (BLEEP) mystery?

I can't find Chin.

Who the (BLEEP) is Chin?

My little child prodigy scientist.

Where was the last place you saw him?

He was chillin' with the mountain lion.

Hmm. Well, then, let's go see that mountain lion.

Shit, you're good at this.

This is his room.

Yo, mountain lion. It's Snoop.

I'm comin' in.

(ALL EXCLAIM)

You guys, what is going on?

-Mountain lion ate Chin. -Ah!

-(GUNSHOT FIRED) -(ALL EXCLAIM)

(THUDS)

Shame, noble creature.

But once they get a taste for human flesh, you gotta put 'em down.

Okay, I'm sorry, this is crazy!

-Lose my number, bitches! -(DOOR CLOSES)

Well, it looks like I've lost my team.

Mike, are you cool if I start sending unsolved situations your way from now on?

Yeah, I'm cool with that.

For real, though? 'Cause last time you said that,

-you were not cool. -Yeah, for real.

You also cool with contacting Chin's parents?

Man, you had a mountain lion?

I had a mountain lion. Sierra, yes.