Original subtitles

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

MIKE: Marquess, come in here!

(HUMMING)

What's going on?

Have a seat.

(GASPS)

(WHISPERING) I know what this is.

This is an intervention.

(GASPS) You all think I drink too much.

You know what? And maybe I do.

Maybe I'm just a ghost who lately feels like he's lost his way.

But my sobriety is my issue, not yours.

So drop it!

-Marquess... -No!

No! It is my turn to talk now.

You all have done enough talking behind my back

about what you perceive to be my problem.

This is about the three bottles of wine in the recycling bin, isn't it?

Well, what you don't know is that one of the bottles was corked,

I shared the other bottle with our neighbor,

who is going through a difficult divorce.

Which none of you know about,

because none of you have bothered to ask.

And the third bottle, well...

I shouldn't have to explain,

because I am a grown-up, who has had a shitty week.

So (BLEEP) you.

(BLEEP) you.

And (BLEEP) you.

And (BLEEP) this intervention.

This isn't a intervention.

We got a new mystery.

We just reading it in here

because it's 100 degrees outside.

Oh.

What's it say?

It says you're a big (BLEEP) alcoholic.

Ha!

No, it doesn't.

It says, "Dear Mike Tyson Mystery Team,

"My name is Thomas Foley, and I need your help."

THOMAS: Thanks for coming.

As I said in my message... (SIGHS)

...my wife, Diane, has been in a coma for nearly a year.

She slipped on some ice in the driveway,

and fell and hit her head.

They thought she'd wake up after a few days.

But the day has turned into weeks,

and the weeks turned to months.

Her vitals are normal.

The doctors say there's no medical reason for her to still be in a coma.

I just...

I can't bear the thought of spending another Christmas without her.

(CELL PHONE CHIMES)

Ben, can you turn that off?

This is my son, Ben.

In his defense, what 18-year old wants to come home from college

to spend the holidays in the hospital?

It must be hard for you to see your mom like this.

She's my step-mom.

-Ben! -What?

It's been a hard year.

Well, on the bright side,

-I bet her (BLEEP) has gotten real big, huh? -YUNG: Ew.

-(GASPS) Pigeon! -What?

It's a compliment. I like a hairy (BLEEP).

(SIGHS)

You say, "Don't talk unless I have something nice to say."

Here I say something nice, and you don't like that either.

Fine, I'll just sit here and say nothing.

(STAMMERING) I'm not saying that.

I'm saying, "Talk if you have something relevant

"to say about this woman's condition."

Okay, I think they should pull the plug and get on with their lives.

-Oh, my God! Pigeon! -(YUNG GROANS)

What, "Oh, my God"?

I cannot win with you people. It's like a bad dream.

(GASPS) That's it!

Diane is in a dream!

Well, not an actual dream, but when you're in a coma you're in a dream-like state.

And as a ghost, I have the ability to travel to the dream realm.

Ah! That's my purpose!

I can find her and talk to her,

and maybe even bring her back.

Oh! That would be incredible.

Uh, tell me about it. (SIGHS)

I have just been so blech lately.

You know what I mean? Just blech!

I just feel like... I don't know.

I just feel like I look around and everyone is doing better than me.

I'm sorry that my life is harder than everyone else's.

It just is. It's like, "Why me?" you know?

But now I am on a mission.

(CHUCKLES)

Marquess to the rescue!

Who wants to celebrate, huh? Come on!

I want every single person in this room to get off their derrieres,

and follow me to the hospital cafeteria,

because it is Margarita Monday. On a Tuesday!

MIKE: So are we or are we not pulling the plug?

Well, that's a lamp, so...

(SCOFFS) No alcohol.

How are all these people supposed to cope when they have sick relatives?

The chapel? Please.

Pills.

Take a couple of these.

They do everything a margarita does without the sugar, Fatty.

So, Marquess, how do we get to this dream realm place?

Well, you can't go. Only I can.

But we're a team.

Right, but I'm the only one who's dead.

No (BLEEP), Marquess.

That's why we're all going to kill ourselves.

-What? -What are you out of your mind?

It's the only way that we can solve the mystery.

Together, as a team.

If I'm going to kill myself,

it'll be because of my massive depression,

not to help some bitch lying in a bed.

And I don't care how big her (BLEEP) is.

Don't look at me! I'm not gonna kill myself.

Wow.

I did not think you guys were going to say that.

Man, I mean, I'm truly flabbergasted.

Well, we're in quite a conundrum, then.

Why?

Because I put poison in our drinks.

-(PIGEON SCREECHES) -You poisoned us?

It's called physician-assisted suicide.

You're not a physician.

And it's not suicide, you asshole, it's murder.

Okay, okay! Fine.

Gee, man, let me...

Let me just find a nurse or someone who can just pump our stomachs before we...

(GROANS)

(GROANS) Oh, (BLEEP).

Well, welcome to the afterlife.

Just as (BLEEP) as I told you it was.

Oh, my (BLEEP) God! You killed us!

You (BLEEP) killed us.

Okay, guys.

First let me start off by saying, I'm sorry.

Seriously, I'm...

I'm very sorry.

And second, look how white we are.

Oh, (BLEEP)! Now I got to sound white.

(HIGH-PITCHED) Hey, guys, who wants to come with me to the car wash?

I have a Subaru that I'm going to take it to get it washed.

I go to the car wash about two times per week.

(IN NORMAL VOICE) Oh, shit! I sound so white!

Guys! Guys!

Dad, can you be serious for a second?

Oh, my God, Yung! You sound so white, too.

What happened to your accent?

So, this is for eternity now?

Did you hear that thing on NPR?

I was driving in my Subaru and that's when I was listening to NPR.

(EKG BEEPING)

So, what do we do to get into her dream?

We enter her.

(HIGH-PITCHED) Well, guys, how on Earth are we going to do this?

-Okay. -Like this.

Oh, yeah? Well, if I'm going to enter her,

I'm going to do it the way God intended.

PIGEON: Holy Lord!

Oh! This is almost too much of a good thing.

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

Whoa! Where the hell are we?

This is Diane's dream. It's her happy place.

It's a manifestation of all of her fantasies.

PIGEON: What is she, nine-years-old?

Oh, there she is!

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

(SNIFFING)

No wonder she hasn't woken up, her life is perfect here.

There's her husband, Thomas!

Oh, that's so sweet!

She misses him as much as he misses her.

Damn!

(GROANS)

DIANE: Get it out. Let me have it. Yeah.

There's nothing wrong with a husband and wife making love.

Oh, really? What about a stepson and stepmom?

Where do you stand on that?

DIANE: You're so big! You're so much bigger than your dad!

MARQUESS: Oh, no! YUNG: Oh, my God!

(DIANE MOANING)

Wow! Well, he's really pounding her.

What a (BLEEP) on that kid, huh?

He's giving her the wood like a good man should.

So the reason she's staying in a coma is because...

It's the only place she can (BLEEP) her stepson.

Oh, my God!

(DIANE MOANING LOUDLY)

Oh, okay! Can we just get out of here, please?

What about bringing her back?

PIGEON: My goodness! That is a load!

Oh! Here comes more!

What is that? That must be like a gallon.

-Will you guys look at this? -(BEN AND DIANE MOANING)

Why am I the only one watching this?

YUNG: Huh?

Hey! What's happening to you guys?

DOCTOR: Can you hear me? Can you hear me?

Can you hear me?

Are we still in the dream realm?

No, you're in the ICU.

We had to pump your stomach. Someone tried to poison you.

Oh, shit! That's (BLEEP) up.

(EKG BEEPING)

-Hello? Um, Diane? -DIANE: Ben, harder! Harder.

-DIANE: Oh, slow down. Slow. -Diane?

Do you, um...

Do you wanna come back, or are you good here?

DIANE: Don't stop. Don't you stop.

Yeah, she's good here.

DIANE: Let's never stop (BLEEP). Never!

We're just so sorry.

We looked everywhere, but we just couldn't find her.

Of course, we'll waive the usual mystery fee.

I just hope where ever she is, she's not in any pain.

I don't know! It's a pretty big (BLEEP).

-I'm sorry? -Nothing.

-He didn't say anything. -Dad, look!

Diane! (SOBBING) You're back!

And just in time for Christmas!

Oh!

(MOANING)

Oh, dear.

(DIANE MOANING)

Oh, man! I could really never think of my...

When I think of my happy place,

I have to really consider some...

Really, some asparagus.

Yeah, man. Asparagus is really good, you know?

(BLEEP) Like the hearts of the (BLEEP), damn.

Artichoke, artichoke heart.

Oh, forget that. With garlic.

Oh, my wife is so good at that stuff.

It's just a little over-garlicky.