Original subtitles

-Dear... -Hold it, Marquess. We're all not here.

Hey, Pigeon.

Pigeon! We got a new mystery.

PIGEON: Oh, that's great, but I'm watching pornography, so.

Hmm, yeah, I'll just go ahead and start 'cause that's gonna be a long time.

"Dear Mike Tyson Mystery Team,

"I'm trying to sell my house on Okanagan Lake,

"but I cannot until I track down my ex-husband, Richard.

"His name is on the deed and I've just found out he never signed the divorce papers.

"One more thing, he may be hard to find because, several years ago, he became a..."

(GASPS) "A pigeon?" (GASPS)

-(GASPS) -"Sincerely, Sandra Sanchez."

Oh, my God!

"Oh, my God" is right.

We'll never find this guy. Do you know how many pigeons there are in the world?

Dad, she's talking about our Pigeon.

Which one? We have tons of pigeons.

The one that lives in our house.

Oh, you mean Pigeon?

(BLEEP) her.

Why haven't you signed the divorce papers?

I thought I did. Jesus, if I missed a (BLEEP) page,

maybe it was because I had my hands full

dealing with all the psychological ramifications of becoming a (BLEEP) bird.

(MAN AND WOMAN MOANING ON LAPTOP)

-Can you turn that off, please? -It's almost over.

-(MOANING CLIMAXES) -MAN: Diego, Diego, Diego, Diego!

(MAN GRUNTING)

Heh. They all end the same way.

Hey, what are you guys doing in here? I didn't see you all come in. (LAUGHS)

Can I offer anybody a drink? Something to eat?

No, thanks. Come on, we gotta go talk to Sandra.

I'm not goin'.

Pigeon, you need to deal with your past.

This poor woman needs to move on.

"This poor woman" is a witch who turned me into a pigeon.

If there's any justice in the world, we'd get those Salem witch trials going again

and burn her at the (BLEEP) stake.

Oh, my God!

Hey, kid, let me clue you into something, huh?

There's no (BLEEP) God. (CHUCKLES) You got that?

And if there was, if God really does exist,

and he let that bitch do this to me,

well, then, God is the biggest piece of (BLEEP) in the Universe.

And I will say that to his dumb (BLEEP) face when I see him on my way to Hell.

To the Mystery Mobile.

I told you, I'm not going.

Oh, you're going or my name is not Michael Gerard Tyson.

That's your (BLEEP) name?

(MARQUESS GROANS)

This doesn't seem right.

It was the only way I could get him in the car.

Are you hot? Do you need any water?

Uh-uh, he's still giving me the silent treatment.

When I said we should get Sandra a hostess gift, I didn't mean Twinkies.

-Where are you headed, travelers? -(SCREAMS)

Jesus Christ, old man, you scared the (BLEEP) out of me!

We're going up to Lake Okanagan.

Stay away from the lake.

Beware of Ogopogo!

(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

(BLEEP) you, (BLEEP). Don't be saying weird shit to people and laughing.

I'll knock your goddamn head off, (BLEEP).

(GASPS)

(BLEEP), man, I can see you in the reflection.

Don't you know who the (BLEEP) I am?

I'm Mike mother (BLEEP) Gerard mother (BLEEP) Tyson.

I will beat the living (BLEEP) out of you, you mother (BLEEP).

Ogopogo! Ogopogo! Ogopogo!

(BLEEP) Crazy.

Damn, Pigeon, you didn't tell me you were rich.

Oh, welcome to my home.

Nice to meet you, ma'am. I'm Mike Tyson and this is the Mystery Team.

Oh, here, these are for you.

Twinkies, my favorite. You shouldn't have.

I don't suppose you've had any luck finding Richard.

Actually, we brought him with us.

(GASPS) Is that Richard?

Oh, for God's sakes, Pigeon. Stop it. Say something.

(COOS)

Damn, I think I brought the wrong pigeon.

(SIGHS) Dad.

(ALL EXCLAIM)

All right, payment up front.

Uh, you know, on second thought, forget it.

I'll still pay you, but I... I don't think I want to have sex.

Hey, where are you going? You still gotta (BLEEP) me off, see.

Richard was such a gentleman.

When we met, I was a 21-year-old beauty queen from Nicaragua,

and here was this sophisticated financier who swept me off my feet.

Oh, muchas gracias. (CHUCKLES)

By the way, I love your shoes.

-Oh, no, thank you, ma'am. I don't drink. -I'll take his.

-Oh, I'm not, I... I'm 18, can't. -I'll take hers.

He was so charming, smart, handsome, rich.

Everything you could want in a man. A prince.

Here, see for yourself.

Oh, my God! That's Pigeon? He's gorgeous!

I mean, right? I mean, you guys think so, right?

We used to make love all the time.

On this very couch.

Well, that was an unnecessary piece of information.

We had the perfect life, but it was all a lie. He lied about everything.

The money, the other women, the drugs.

He took my dignity and he crushed it like, like a...

-Like a can? -No, no, like a...

-It's a little thing. How do you say? -A flower?

-No, not a flower! A, uh... -Like a flea?

A flea? Insecto? No, like a...

Like a dream.

Well, "Crushed it like a dream" is not an expression.

So, don't, like, scold me like I'm an idiot.

-So, you turned him into a pigeon? -What?

Did he tell you that?

-Yeah, he said you were a witch. -(GASPS)

I'm a deeply religious person.

I prayed every night to God above.

I said to him, I said, "God, show me the money, Mary.

"Show me who he really is. Not the lies.

"Show me the truth. Show me the real Richard."

And he did. God made him a dirty pigeon, not me.

(CRYING)

(SCREAMS)

Why would that dumb bitch want to sell this place?

-Pigeon? -Richard! I mean, Pigeon.

Uh, what are you...

I mean, we, we, we missed you.

The (BLEEP) is the matter with you?

I'm proud of you, Pigeon. You came to confront your past.

-Yeah, where is she? -She went upstairs.

(PIGEON SIGHS)

We used to (BLEEP) on those stairs.

Come on, guys. Let's go outside and give them some privacy.

How long do we have to give them? It's freezing out here.

We can wait in the van, but I left the keys in the house.

Oh, I'll go get 'em.

-Oh, dear God! -What?

Do you have a crush on Pigeon?

-Pfft. No. -(GASPS) You do!

Whatever.

See, Michael, this is why Yung needs to get out and date.

Otherwise, she'll end up with the first good-looking bad boy she meets.

She needs experience. She needs to, dare I say,

sleep around... (SCREAMS)

Sorry, Marquess, it was just, ever since Yung was dropped off on my doorstep

as a little Asian baby, that's the only way I can see her.

She'll always be that little Asian baby who was dropped off on my doorstep.

Mmm-hmm. That's nice. Am I bleeding?

I don't think so. Would your blood be white?

I never notices you had a mustache, Marquess. And you wear glasses?

I guess I never really looked at your face before.

-Ogopogo! -(BOTH GASP)

I told you to stay away from the lake.

Ogopogo is coming.

Ogopogo! Ogopogo!

God almighty, that mother (BLEEP) is going to give me a heart attack.

You old son of a bitch.

(SANDRA MOANING)

(GASPS)

(SANDRA AND PIGEON MOANING)

SANDRA: Richard. Oh, yes, yes! PIGEON: Oh, Sandra.

Richard, oh, ai, ai!

Michael, you shouldn't be in there.

(BLEEP) that (BLEEP), Marquess!

I'm not gonna let that old, crazy mother (BLEEP)

tell Michael Gerard Tyson what to do.

-Aren't you cold? -Yeah, I'm cold. I feel like I'm gonna die,

but no one's gonna tell me what to do.

Oh, thank God. We can get in the car.

Oh, right, the, the keys.

You... You forgot the keys?

You were in there for half an hour. What were you doing?

-Um... -Everyone, we have an announcement.

I'm quitting the Mystery Team. Sandra and I are getting back together.

-What? -Way to go, Pigeon!

Congratulations, you son of a gun.

God, you answered my prayers before, I ask you to answer them again!

Richard no longer deserves to be alone,

trapped in the body of a pigeon!

Oh, Sandra, you poor, ignorant savage. (CHUCKLES)

There's no God.

Oh, please, God. Please.

I'm asking you, begging you,

once more, to use your powers.

Yes, yes.

And turn me into a pigeon, too!

Turn you? Wait, what... (BLEEP)

No! No, you dumb bitch!

You were supposed to get Him to turn me back into a man!

Now we are the same!

-Fly with me, my love! -Are you (BLEEP) crazy?

(ROARS)

Ogopogo!

Ogopogo!

Damn, I better get out of this lake!

(CLOSING THEME PLAYING)