Original subtitles

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

COUNCILMAN: I think they're doing it on purpose.

Hold on, Councilman.

Are you saying the unions are using the slowdown as a bargaining tool?

Well, it's hard to conclude anything else.

But we don't know.

As I've said before, it's a mystery.

I propose we attempt to solve the mystery

by hiring an independent mystery team

and then have that mystery team report their findings back to us.

Hmm. Now, that is interesting.

I've heard very good things about the Mike Tyson Mystery Team.

-The boxer? -Uh, yes.

Although, I believe he's... He's retired from boxing.

All right. All those in favor of hiring the Mike Tyson Mystery Team

to look into the slowdown at the Port of Los Angeles say "Aye."

Those opposed, say "Nay."

-(TV PLAYING) -Mmm, is that our pizza?

-MIKE: Uh-uh. -Who is it?

Oh, (BLEEP), dude.

Looks like some of those religious people.

You know, they go door to door to prophesize.

We gotta pretend like we're not here.

(SHUSHING) Mute the TV.

-(MARQUESS GASPS) -Mute it!

Nobody move.

(DOORBELL PLAYING FUR ELISE)

-Is that our doorbell? -Shh! Yes.

Have you never heard our doorbell?

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

-Does that always go on? -Shh!

(MUSIC ENDS)

(WHISPERING) Are they gone yet?

How would I know?

(WHISPERING) I don't think they saw me, did they?

-I don't think so. (GASPS) -(DOORBELL MUSIC PLAYING)

PIGEON: What the (BLEEP)? Is anybody gonna answer the (BLEEP) damn door?

(LOUDLY) What?

-(MUSIC CONTINUES) -Uh, Mr. Tyson?

(WHISPERING) Can they see me?

-Here's the agreement. -It basically says you have 16 months

to conduct your investigation and report your findings to the council.

For this, we've budgeted a total of $1.6 million,

payable in monthly installments of a $100,000.

That sounds like a smart use of taxpayer money.

Okay, boys. We'll do it.

-(DOORBELL MUSIC PLAYING) -Thank you very...

-(SHUSHING) -We're excited to be...

Shut up. Shut up. Shut the (BLEEP) up!

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

(DELIVERYMAN DRUMMING FINGERS ON BOX)

STOREKEEPER: Hi, can I help you?

My daughter's finally old enough to get her first cellphone.

Dad, I have a cellphone.

I've had one for, like, four years.

Huh. Okay, well, (BLEEP) it. Let's just upgrade my phone.

I like always having the newest (BLEEP).

Okay, great. You want me to just go ahead

and transfer your contacts and calendar?

Oh, don't worry about the calendar.

I got it all up here. Here, I'll prove it to you.

Today, wake up, brush my teeth,

eat, drink, brush my teeth again,

take a shit, brush my teeth again,

and then stay open to new possibilities.

Is that all in your calendar?

Tomorrow, brush my teeth, take a shit,

wake up, brush my teeth again.

Then, dance like no one's watching.

Oh, actually, you did forget one thing for tomorrow.

It says, "LA Port slowdown investigation due."

Oh, (BLEEP). Why didn't you mother (BLEEP) remind me, man?

I can't believe it's been 16 months.

At the most, it feels like a year and a quarter. At the most.

Maybe a year and three-eighths.

Maybe even a year and five-eighths.

No, that feels too long.

If anything, it feels like exactly a year and a quarter.

But, whatever it is, it damn sure don't feel like 16 months went by.

I mean, if anything, it feels something like 15 months and four weeks.

(SHIP HORN BLARING)

This is ridiculous. We can't solve this mystery in a single day.

We should just call the city council or whoever

and say we can't do it and give the money back.

PIGEON: We can't. It's gone.

-What? -All $1.6 million?

What are you talking about?

I placed a wager and I lost.

What do you want me to do? I said I was sorry.

-No, you didn't. -Oh, I'm sorry.

Guys, we're gonna solve this mystery.

We just need to get on one of those ships

and pretend we're ship workers.

Oh, yeah, they'll all believe us when we say

we're their fellow ship workers.

Yeah, and then we'll see firsthand who's responsible for this slowdown.

Now, everybody buckle

-your mother (BLEEP) seatbelts. -MARQUESS: Michael, just...

(MARQUESS SCREAMING)

Dad, what are you doing?

I'm getting us on that boat.

MARQUESS: (GASPS) Michael, stop now!

YUNG: Dad!

We gotta be going exactly 88 miles an hour

-when we hit the end of the pier. -YUNG: Dad, stop!

-(YUNG AND MARQUESS YELLING) -Damn, here's a '73 Mercedes Benz 450SL for $14,000.

-Silver, V8, 79,000 miles. God, that's a great deal. -YUNG: Dad...

Oh, shit. We spent all the money.

Oh, my God. We're gonna make it. We're gonna make it!

(BANGING) Wake up.

-(MARQUESS GROANING) -MIKE: What the...

Are you God?

Are we in heaven?

(LAUGHING)

(CONTINUES LAUGHING)

You're not in heaven.

It's better than heaven.

This is Atlantis!

(STAVROS CACKLING)

STAVROS: Stavros Petrakis. I run the place.

Come on. Come on.

I don't have all (BLEEP) day.

How the (BLEEP) did we get to Atlanta?

-MARQUESS: Oh, my God, this place is foul. -(GOATS BLEATING)

Are you guys hot?

-Ugh. -STAVROS: The air conditioning...

-Ugh, it's out again. -(CHICKEN CLUCKING)

I gotta remember to steal a new compressor.

Hey. Watch your step, there's goat (BLEEP) everywhere.

MARQUESS: Hmm. Ew.

(GOAT BLEATS)

(SIGHS) I think it smells worse here than it did back there.

Wait a second. Is that the Port of Los Angeles?

I thought Atlantis was a Greek island that sank somewhere in the Mediterranean.

(CHUCKLING)

That was 3,000 years ago.

You wanna live under the sea,

you gotta go where the good (BLEEP) is.

And right now, it's up there.

You see? That one's from China.

It's full of TVs, computers...

You know, anything you want, baby.

-This is paradise. -(CLICKS)

(CLICKING)

(BLEEP) it. This thing is always broken.

We take the stairs.

Where do you think he's taking us?

Well, based on where he's taken us so far,

I'd say probably the worst place on Earth.

Hey, Niarchos!

For the last time, don't let your goat piss at the fountain.

That's our drinking water!

(BLEEP) animal.

(STAVROS GRUNTING)

YUNG: So, you guys are just taking advantage of the slowdown at the port

to steal stuff?

(STAVROS LAUGHING)

"Taking advantage"?

We're the reason for the slowdown, baby.

Those guys were moving the stuff onto the shore too fast.

No time to go through it and get what we want.

But now, we got the unions in our pocket.

But enough business. You are our guests.

And everyone knows a guest in the home of a Greek is...

Is like a son returned from the war to his mother

to suckle from her breast!

(BLEEP) Damn it. (BLEEP) locked.

Maybe we didn't go high enough. Come on.

(LIVE MUSIC PLAYING)

(CROWD CHEERING)

Man, I wanna get the hell outta here.

(SLOW MUSIC PLAYING)

Dance?

Did you say... (SNAPS)

Dance?

No. I said, "I wanna get the hell outta here."

-(SHATTERING) -(BLEEP) Damn, man.

A piece of that plate could have got in my eye, mother (BLEEP).

Together.

-(CROWD CLAPPING) -(MUSIC QUICKENING)

Let's go. (GRUNTS)

(LAUGHING)

-Down. (LAUGHS) -(CROWD CHEERING)

Let's go! Down.

-(STAVROS LAUGHING) -(MUSIC GROWS SPIRITED)

(PLATES SMASHING)

(GLASS BREAKING)

(FRENETIC MUSIC CONTINUES)

(GLASS SHATTERS)

(BOTTLE SMASHING)

(MUSIC ENDS)

YUNG: How did it go?

What'd you tell them?

Everything.

That we almost drowned,

that we had to (BLEEP) swim outta there,

and that those crazy Atlantis people...

I mean, they just kept dancing and breaking (BLEEP).

Until they were all dead.

And I told them they need to reimburse me for the (BLEEP) van.

And what'd they say?

They kept saying they would take everything I said "under advisement."

And then I said, "You don't (BLEEP) believe me?"

And they said, "Thank you, Mr. Tyson."

And I said, "Don't be (BLEEP) patriotic with me."

But I meant to say, "Don't be (BLEEP) patronizing with me."

So, who the (BLEEP) know what they think.

(BLEEP) those guys.

Hey, we're in LA. You guys wanna see the Hollywood Walk of Fame?

See if I got a star on there?

(BLEEP) Where's the (BLEEP) Mystery Mobile?

I guess we gotta take a cab.

Taxi!

(VEHICLE APPROACHING)

(GASPING)

(SCREAMING)

STAVROS: Look at that behind!

(LAUGHING)

Baby!

(LAUGHING)

(GRUNTING)

-STAVROS: Let's go! -(TIRES SCREECHING)

(LAUGHING)

(GREEK MUSIC PLAYING)

(MUSIC CONTINUES)