Original subtitles

[THEME SONG PLAYING]

Uh-uh! Uh-uh! Hell no! Hell no!

-Dad, what's wrong? -What is it, Michael?

We got termites again.

They said they got rid of 'em, but they obviously did not get rid of 'em.

Dad, I don't even think it's moving.

Are you sure it's a termite?

Marquess, go float up there and see.

Oh, I don't know if I can go that high.

Well, you won't know if you won't try, Marquess.

My goodness gracious! This is our home!

You just gonna sit here while that bug eats it all up?

Fine!

(GRUNTING)

(SIGHS)

Come on, Marquess, you can do it.

PIGEON: Is one of you shitting in the kitchen again?

(SIGHS) I can't do it.

I don't know how to go up.

Yeah, you just, you just...

You just know how to go down, right? (LAUGHS)

What are you even talking about?

Like, get down on your knees.

(BLEEP) man, I'm...

What is wrong with you?

Pigeon, we think we got termites again.

Fly up there and see if that's a termite.

I can't (BLEEP) fly.

Then how do you eat?

How do you catch a prey?

Don't you swoop down and eat worms and mices,

and little (BLEEP) critters?

I eat the same (BLEEP) you eat.

I'm a human being. I came in here for a (BLEEP) bowl of cereal.

Now, one of you insensitive assholes is gonna put this in a bowl for me?

Has anyone noticed, I don't have (BLEEP) hands?

(BLEEP), you guys are rude.

What? You just told me I (BLEEP) men off and I'm rude. Okay.

Yeah, it's a defense mechanism, you (BLEEPING) eater

I'm the victim here. I'm (BLEEP) handicapped!

If I was in a (BLEEP) wheelchair,

you assholes would be falling all over yourselves to pour me cereal.

Is that what I need to do? Get a little wheelchair to remind you that I'm disabled?

I don't know about a wheelchair,

but I think Pigeon would look cute in a little car, you know,

like a little remote control sports car.

I bet if we can each put in five bucks, we can get him one.

You know, that would be fun

to, you know, to watch that Pigeon ride around in a little car.

Like, when you know, um, when they show on the news like, something like

a squirrel, you know, riding around on a skate board.

Now, that shit is cute.

Well, the good news is that's not a termite.

Yeah, I didn't think so.

It looks like spaghetti sauce.

Maybe a little cooking splatter.

But the bad news is, I did see termites in the attic.

We got an attic? Ooh.

Well, team, say good-bye to the house.

We got to burn it down.

What? No, we can tent it.

Uh-huh. I'm listening.

Specialized tarps are placed over the entire structure.

They're weighted at the bottom to create a seal and hold in the fumigant,

penetrating all wood timbers, trim, finished wood and furniture,

as well as hard-to-treat wall studs.

You can safely return home in 2-3 days.

I'm sorry I wasn't listening.

Could you please repeat that?

Well, specialized tarps are placed over the entire structure.

They're weighted at the bottom to create a seal and hold in the fumigant,

penetrating all wood timbers, trim, finished wood and furniture,

as well as hard-to-treat wall studs.

You can safely return home in 2-3 days.

Okay, that time I was listening.

But I stopped listening sometime in the middle.

Maybe one more time?

Third time's a charm?

EXTERMINATOR: (SIGHS) Specialized tarps are...

Can you believe how many times I got that (BLEEP) to say that?

(LAUGHS)

YUNG: Wait. What are we doing here?

I thought we were going to a hotel.

MIKE: We're not going anywhere till we change out of these termite-infested clothes.

YUNG: What? MARQUESS: Termites don't eat clothing.

Oh, I'm sorry, Marquess, are you an expert in termites?

Did you go to college and major in termites?

No, you went to Cambridge University in 1864,

and left two years later, without a degree.

I read it on the Internet.

Oh, you read it, Michael?

I also read on there something very upsetting about

you and this great poet Oscar Wilde.

But that is a conversation for another day.

I got some old stuff in here we can wear.

Can't we just go to the mall and buy new stuff?

Yung, I'm already spending $3,000

to have a fumigant dispensed into our house,

so it can penetrate all of our wood timbers and hard-to-treat wall studs.

No, we wear my old shit.

Everyone take your clothes off now!

-What? -PIGEON: Don't talk back to your father!

I'm not getting naked. Especially not in front of him.

I mean, this is ridiculous. Marquess, you agree with me, right?

Holy lord! Why is your body so perfect? What's that for?

Wow! Do you just stare at yourself in the mirror?

I mean, that is a great-looking body.

-Thank you. -(CHUCKLING) Yeah. Whoa!

To think this whole time, I've been jacking off to the wrong person.

-No offense, Yung. -(YUNG SIGHS)

Found it! Here's my old trunk.

A couple of old Team Tyson t-shirts.

Man, some track pants.

Ooh! My old boom box.

Does anybody have nine D batteries on 'em?

I bet Marquess does.

Marquess, what kind of batteries does your dildo take?

Uh, dildos don't take batteries, those are vibrators, so...

(CHUCKLES) Joke's on you.

Ha!

What? Wait, this is where we're staying? A casino?

MIKE: By the way, you're welcome for giving you guys the t-shirts.

Damn, it's freezing in here!

Hot as (BLEEP) outside, then all the places have the AC cranked up?

Got to get the blood flowing, gotta get warm.

WOMAN: Oh, damn! That's Mike Tyson.

MARQUESS: Why is everyone staring at us?

I don't know.

How come we're not playing that boom box, Marquess?

We stopped and got all those damn batteries.

Otherwise, that was a wasted trip.

(MUSIC PLAYING OVER BOOM BOX)

(CROWD CHEERING)

Oh, my God! $2,000 for champagne?

What?

(SIGHS) Oh, man! I left my phone at the house.

Hope they haven't tented it yet.

Dad, I'm going back to the house to get my phone.

Okay, honey.

Hey! You guys wanna go down to the pool?

I'm good, thanks. I think I'm gonna just hit the slots.

I'd rather not be there when he gets kicked out of the pool for masturbating.

$28 for a chocolate bar?

Ugh, great! It's already tented.

What the (BLEEP)?

(CHANTING)

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

(CELL PHONE VIBRATING)

-YUNG: (OVER PHONE) Dad! -(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Hey, baby, hold on.

-Room service! -Oh, hey. Yeah, come on in.

-One second, honey. -Dad!

Would you like for me to leave it here or set it up for you?

Okay, set it up please.

Dad, this is an emergency.

Would you like it by the window,

or would you like it by the sofa?

Oh, wow. I haven't thought about either of those options.

Why don't you try both places and we'll see which one feels best?

-Just one second, baby. -Dad!

MAN: Mmm-hmm.

Okay, here's option one.

Yeah, feels good, but I worry about the glare.

Um, let's try the sofa.

Dad, there are Satanists in our house.

Be with you in a mere moment, sweetie.

Oh, my God.

They're doing some crazy ritual.

-Okay, here's option two. -Dad!

-This seems right... -Dad, listen.

...but it just doesn't feel special enough.

Can we try option one again?

The termite guy is using our house

to lead some kind of devil worship.

Holy (BLEEP)

Are you serious? Okay, don't worry, I'm on my way.

(GASPS) Dad!

Oh, I'm gonna beat the (BLEEP) out of these (BLEEP).

-Can you sign, please? -Oh, oh, of course.

Oh, oops!

I added a gratuity, I didn't see there was already a service charge.

Is it okay if I just cross that out?

Seems a little excessive, right?

You know what? Why am I making such a big deal out of this?

Who am I to say you shouldn't get two tips?

I just spent $28 on a (BLEEP) candy bar.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll have to go kill some Satanists.

MARQUESS: (GASPS) Oh, no, that's nothing.

PIGEON: Get your (BLEEP) hands off me.

MARQUESS: Oh, dear Lord.

If you don't want somebody to masturbate by the pool,

then you put a (BLEEP) sign up that says "Don't masturbate by the (BLEEP) pool!"

Come on, guys! I'm fighting tonight.

WOMAN: He, he's gonna fight. I love you, Mike!

MAN: Come on! Tyson's gonna fight!

(CROWD CHEERING)

The blood of a virgin calls upon you, our dark Lord.

-(CHANTING STOPS) -Well, I'm a virgin by choice.

So...

I mean, I could sleep with anyone I want. I just haven't wanted to,

so that's the only reason I'm a virgin, you know.

And I'm sure it's gonna happen soon, so, you know, if...

If this whole thing is dependent on me being a virgin,

then you guys lucked out, because, like, tomorrow, if I wanted to,

I could not be a virgin anymore.

(CHANTING CONTINUES)

After eons of time,

I, Satan, am reborn to usher in

an age of evil, and...

Keep the (BLEEP) away from my daughter, (BLEEP).

Get the (BLEEP) out of my house, you creepy (BLEEP).

I better not see a termite

or I'm gonna come kick your ass!

(CROWD APPLAUDING)

Who the (BLEEP) are all y'all?

(YUNG SIGHS)

Oh, Yung. Let's get you out of this horrible thing.

(GASPS) Oh! Oh, here. Here, take this.

Well, well, well. Now, I don't know who to jack-off to.

Oh, man, look at that.

He can do donuts in this. Look. Oh! Watch! He's doing a donut.

Look at him doing the donut.

(REMOTE CONTROL CAR WHIRRING)

Wow!

Wow! Come back.

Pigeon.