Original subtitles

(LAUGHS)

What are you doing?

Mike forgot to log out.

"TGIF"? It's Wednesday.

I know. That's what makes it funny.

-No. I don't feel comfortable with this. -(CHUCKLES)

Do you know how many times a day you say that?

Jeez, who are all these people?

Mike's not really friends with any of these people.

Like, check this out.

"Caroline Nuberry.

"Last night, my mother, Paula Jean Nuberry, passed away peacefully in her sleep.

"I know eventually the pain will subside, but for now it is unbearable."

Good lord. And 83 "likes"? Why would someone "like" this?

Her mother dies and you like it?

"Caroline Nuberry.

"Last night, my mother, Paula Jean Nuberry, passed away peacefully in her sleep.

"I know eventually the pain will subside, but for now it is unbearable."

Oh, poor Caroline.

Like.

Hey, Yung. Get in here. We have a new mystery.

Okay, team. Gather around.

Hey, how come you never go skinny dipping? Huh?

-It's your house. -Actually, I was skinny dipping.

Yeah, with some of my girlfriends.

I just put this bathing suit on right before I walked in.

It was super fun. We were just out there, splashing around,

touching each other, giggling. It was very erotic. I'm sorry you missed it.

"Dear Mike Tyson Mystery Team, I'm an owner of a successful, gourmet sandwich shop

"in Boston, Massachusetts. But ever since we moved into our new location,

"business has all but stopped. The stores around us are thriving,

"so it doesn't make sense. Could my new location be cursed?

"Please help. Sincerely, Molly Gibson."

Huh? I wonder why no one will come in her shop.

Oh, I'll (BLEEP) in her shop, all right.

Ah. What does that even mean?

Means I'll ejaculate all over her dirty little shop.

-Ugh. -PIGEON: Yeah, that's right.

Okay, guys. To the Mystery Mobile.

Let's go!

Wait. We're driving? To Boston?

Good God. That'll take 30 hours.

Come on, men, it'll be a great bonding experience for us.

GPS VOICE: Keep left at the fork.

Continue on I-70 East for 743 miles.

-Can you at least turn on the radio? -Radio's broke.

Oh.

Oh! How about the alphabet game? I'll start. You'll see how it goes.

A, my name is Andrew.

-My wife's name is Alice. -(CHUCKLES) Your wife?

-MARQUESS: Okay, can I just please... -That's a laugh.

-Can I please? -Yeah. You, you have a wife in this?

Okay, yes, in this scenario, I have a wife. Stop it.

-Okay, sure. -Here we go.

-A, my name is Andrew. My wife's name is Alice. -(PIGEON LAUGHS)

-Stop it. -PIGEON: Wife! Wife.

We live in Arkansas and we sell apples.

-With you wife? -No, stop it.

-(PIGEON LAUGHS) -Your turn, Yung.

Okay, um.

B, my name is Beatrice. My husband's name is Bobby. We live in Bermuda,

-and we sell basketballs. -MARQUESS: Good.

Okay. Pigeon?

All right. Um.

C, my name is (BLEEP).

My wife's name is (BLEEP). We live in (BLEEP) town, and we sell (BLEEP).

(LAUGHS)

-And basketballs. -(MARQUESS SCOFFS)

GPS VOICE: Keep left to remain on I-70 East, and continue for 741 miles.

(SNORING)

(SNORING)

-(CAR HORN BLARING) -(ALL GASPING)

-Sorry to startle you. I'm Molly. -Oh, good morning, ma'am.

We got in real late last night, and I left my wallet in my other pants' pocket

and we couldn't get into the hotel room.

And, um, we left your number, so we couldn't call you.

-Anyway, can we all use your bathroom real quick, ma'am? -Oh, go.

YUNG: Dad, ladies first. MARQUESS: You have no idea how bad that van smells.

Mmm. This is delicious, and huge. I can't even get my mouth around it.

Yeah, well, you've had bigger things in that mouth.

-What does that even mean? -(BLEEP)!

It means you've had big (BLEEP) in your mouth.

-MARQUESS: Oh, my goodness. -(STAMMERS) It really is all so delicious.

I'm telling you, it's this location. There must be something wrong with it.

I haven't sold a sandwich since I moved in.

You're not expecting us to pay for this, are you? I mean, this is research.

Do you know anything about the history of the building?

No. Just that these buildings along Newbury Street are hundreds of years old.

I know this sounds crazy, but I swear sometimes I can hear this

plaintive wail.

Whoa.

Well, maybe we can find something out at the hall of records.

You guys go to the hall of records while I ask around

and see if any of these other businesses know anything, you know?

-Do you want one of us to go with you? -(DOOR OPENS)

We were all in a car together for 30 hours, Marquess.

Why do you gotta be so clingy?

What's the point of going to the hall of records when all they do

is tell us to go on the Internet?

-Shh! -I mean everything we've done so far,

we could have done from our God (BLEEP) living room.

-Shh! -What are you shushing me for? It's the hall of records,

it's not a library.

And I don't even know why do you have to be quiet in the library anymore.

I mean, the only people who go there now are homeless guys looking at porno

-and stuff like that... -Oh, here we go.

It was built in 1869 and was, at the time, Boston's biggest whale oil extractory.

Oh, my. I lived near one of those in London. It was a foul place.

They would cut the blubber off those poor dead whales

and cook it in fats to extract their oil.

Oh, and look at this. In 1880, there was an oil fire

and the building was engulfed in flames.

All of the immigrant Gypsy workers were burned alive.

My God, that's awful. "A sister of one of the victims,

"Nadia Pavlova, arrived at the scene, and shouted a Gypsy curse

"upon the smoldering ruins.

"'In the name of my brother, Tobar Pavlova, I curse these grounds forever more'."

CLERK: Sir? Sir? PIGEON: What?

-What? Easy, fella. -You cannot look at pornography

on these computers.

MARQUESS: You went shopping?

I didn't just go shopping. I also found out no information.

I thought you forgot your wallet.

That's what's so great about being Mike Tyson.

You take a couple of pictures here, give them one or two of these,

give them one of those,

and bang, bang, boom, $600 loafers, buddy.

-Well, they are undeniably good-looking. -Thank you, Pigeon.

They hurt like (BLEEP), but, you know, you gotta suffer for fashion.

Dad, we figured out why no one will go in there. The building really is cursed.

Damn. Okay, you know what? Maybe I should go over there to Versace

and see if I can find out some more information.

And get some pants, too, to go with these loafers.

Michael, we need to try and lift the curse.

Wait! What about your ex-wife?

Who, Sandra?

-She cursed you and turned you into a pigeon, right? -Yeah.

(STAMMERS) No. No, I'm not calling Sandra.

But she could be our only hope.

Yeah. Yeah, listen. If I'm gonna ask Sandra for a favor,

it's gonna be to turn me back into a man,

not to help some dumb bitch who makes sandwiches.

Just seeing if you guys were hungry.

What about you, Marquess? You're a ghost.

-You're into voodoo and shit. -No, I'm not.

Yeah, but you're into, like, um, you know, witchcraft, and dark arts, right?

-Aren't you? -What? No.

-Man, so you're just a ghost that does nothing? -Well, that's just hurtful.

Someone please do something.

Well, okay, okay, okay, okay. I did attend a seance once for the Duchess of Abernathy.

Oh! Oh, oh, oh, here. Here's that name you dropped.

(CHUCKLES)

"Duchess of Abernathy." Jesus!

Oh, like that anyone knows who I'm talking about.

Okay. Everyone join hands and close your eyes.

-Pigeon. -What? Believe me, she wasn't complaining.

Our beloved!

We bring you gifts from life into death!

Commune with us, and move among us.

-(WAILING) -(ALL GASPING)

Oh, my God. It really is a plaintive wail.

-(WAILING CONTINUES) -What the (BLEEP)?

Oh, (BLEEP), Marquess, did you hear that?

It must be the spirit of Nadia's brother, Tobar.

We're here to release you, Tobar.

Release you from your internal pain and lift the curse forever,

forevermore.

(WAILING CONTINUES)

Oh (BLEEP). Oh (BLEEP). It's coming.

-What's his name again? -Tobar.

(HYPERVENTILATING)

What the (BLEEP) kinda name is "Tobar"?

Is it a dog or something, man?

Reveal yourself, Tobar. Your plaintive wail has been heard.

(ALL SCREAMING)

MIKE: What the (BLEEP)?

Where's Tobar?

WHALE: I ate Tobar!

Oh, my God. It wasn't a Gypsy's curse. It was a whale's.

What the (BLEEP)?

What do you want, Whale?

I want what all whales want.

For humans to stop hunting us, and using our blubber for oil.

You dumb asshole. No one has used whale oil in 100 goddamn years.

WHALE: Really?

Yeah. The only people that still hunt whales are the Japanese.

They eat the meat.

-That can't be true. -Oh, yeah. They gobble it up.

Well, then I hereby lift the curse from this building,

and place it on the Japanese.

-(WAILING) -(CAR ALARMS BLARING)

Huh. I think it was the Japanese.

Maybe the Eskimos.

Or the Inuit, whatever they call 'em.

They eat it in Finland, I know. Or somewhere. Somewhere, somewhere.

-We should be clear 'cause we just cursed people. -Well, it was somewhere.

F, my name is Frederick.

My wife's name is Frida.

We both live in Fairbanks, Alaska.

And we both sell, you know, bear fur.