Original subtitles

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(KEYBOARD CLACKING) -(MOUSE CLICKING)

MARQUESS: Ooh, how about this place?

It gets great reviews.

YUNG HEE: Mmm, I don't think I want French. Too much cream.

You don't hear Marquess complaining about too much cream.

Oh. Is that a joke about me being fat?

No! It's a joke about you guzzling (BLEEP).

-MARQUESS: Oh, my God. -(PIGEON CHUCKLES)

What about this one?

MARQUESS: (GROANING) Samantha D says, "Overpriced and terrible service.

"Will not be back."

MIKE: What the (BLEEP) is this?

Online reviews of local businesses.

Are we on here?

Huh.

Oh! Here we are.

We have one review.

Jason B.

"The real mystery with the Mike Tyson Mystery Team is

"where the hell are they? I asked for their help and never heard back.

(MARQUESS READING)

"...but they're never getting mine again, and if..."

(MARQUESS READING)

Jason B is full of (BLEEP).

We never ignore a good mystery.

(DOOR SLAMMING)

So are we going to the French place?

No message. No message. No message.

I told you it wasn't our fault.

What the hell is that noxious odor?

MARQUESS: Oh, dear.

(FLIES BUZZING)

Ah, it's so faded I can barely make out any of it.

"Something, something urgent, something life and death, something, something,

"please hurry." Oh. Uh oh.

It seems to be signed by Jason something and it looks like it starts with a "B".

Ah, I guess it was our fault.

How is it our fault?

Because of one pigeon getting his fat ass caught in the door?

You ever heard of the expression

"Send another pigeon, mother (BLEEP)"?

What?

Social media makes it too easy for pussies to hide behind their (BLEEP).

What are these expressions?

All I'm saying is that business is only as good as its reputation.

That's what I'm saying.

Right, but we're not really a business.

I mean it's not like we're getting paid.

I pay Pigeon $65,000 a year.

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Hey, don't look at me.

Just because you two never thought to have that conversation.

MIKE: Who are you, Jason B? And where do you live?

And how can I get you to take down this negative review?

The answer to all three,

I don't give a (BLEEP).

Okay. We know he's reviewed two other business besides us.

His first was from six weeks ago for a dry cleaners, which he loves, five stars.

That's on Cashman Drive.

Hey, are those the pins from your vision board, Marquess?

You know, the one with all those (BLEEP) on it?

Okay. Very funny.

Jason B also reviewed Belle's Frozen Yogurt

which he says, "Hands down, the best froyo in town."

It's on South Rancho Drive...

So those (BLEEP) pictures are just all over the floor, now?

Well, that doesn't seem right.

-Stop it. -Okay.

We're gonna have to split up and stake out both places.

Who wants to go where?

YUNG HEE: Uh...

Can't you guys do this somewhere else?

Well, this is the only room in the house with a cork board.

Then can we move the cork board?

Oh, yeah. I guess we could move the cork board.

Or just, I don't know, get another one.

Because I do like having it here.

I never took you for one of those girls who's comfortable shitting in front of people.

Ugh. I wasn't shitting.

(OBNOXIOUS LAUGH)

Ha. This is like our first date.

I would never go on a date with you.

Oh. Well, maybe you should have mentioned that

before I bought your (BLEEP) yogurt.

(MARQUESS GROANS)

I should have gone to the froyo place.

I worked out today.

Excuse me, ma'am. I have a question for you.

Have you seen this piece of shit?

No.

Okay. Then I have another question for you.

This track suit I'm wearing says to wash with like colors,

but I don't have anything else this color, so I've just never washed it.

Michael! Where are your clothes?

Oh, so if we're going to sit here just waiting for this

mother (BLEEP), I might as well get my track suit cleaned.

You know what? (BLEEP) it. I want the froyo.

(CAR DOOR SLAMS)

-(WATER RUNNING) -(DISHES CLANGING)

(MARQUESS SIGHS)

I can't believe I ate all that.

But that's what I do.

I deprive myself, and then I binge.

And then I hate myself, and I do it all over again.

I'll tell you what I can't believe.

We wait there all day and Jason B never went to either place.

Well, what I can't believe is Yung Hee let me pay for her yogurt,

but then won't let me play with her tits.

Which is fine. It's fine.

But at least blow me, am I right, I mean?

Does it ever enter your mind that that is her father.

Well, I'm going to bed. (NICELY) Good night, Pigeon.

(HARSHLY) Everybody else, good night.

Damn you, Jason B!

Ah! Oh, God!

Marquess, what are you doing up?

Well, the day was a wash anyways

so what's another 3,000 calories?

What are you doing?

I'll tell you what I'm doing.

I'm going to call every Jason B in the phonebook.

Every second that negative review is up

is a second that we could lose

a customer to another Mystery Team.

Oh. You think there are other Mystery Teams? Okay.

Hey, are you the Jason B that wrote a

negative report about the Mike Tyson team online?

You're that Jason B?

Get the (BLEEP) out of here!

You're the first Jason B I called.

I thought this was gonna be an all-night thing, man.

God (BLEEP), Marquess, can you believe this (BLEEP)?

-(DIAL TONE) -Oh, hell no. Hell no.

He did not do that.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Couldn't this have waited till the morning?

Open the door, mother (BLEEP)!

-Okay. -(BANGING ON DOOR)

MIKE: Mother (BLEEP), open this door, right now!

Oh, my God.

What do you want?

You want to know what I want?

Take that damn review down.

Why? You ruined my life!

Oh, my goodness, exaggerate much?

My wife died because of you.

-(GASPS) -What?

Well, in that case maybe you're not exaggerating.

My wife was an architect.

She had been commissioned by this rich Eastern European guy to design a castle.

But I got the feeling there was something not right about him.

And as crazy as this sounds,

I started to think he was a vampire.

Sarah didn't believe me at first,

but I knew I was right. I just needed proof.

That's when I asked for your help.

I waited and waited, but you never got back to me.

And then...

-It was too late. -(MOANING)

My wife is now one of the undead

-who feeds on the living. -(HISSES)

-MARQUESS: That's horrible. -PIGEON: Good Lord.

And?

And what?

What happened to the castle?

Did she finish the castle or not?

Man, I mean, learn how to tell your (BLEEP) story, all right?

I'll give you a (BLEEP) negative review on your story, you piece of...

What are you doing?

If he's not going to take down that negative report,

then we're going to do it for him.

But be real discreet.

(GLASS SHATTERS)

(MONITOR BEEPS)

Oh, Mike must have been thinking of "discrete,"

D-I-S-C-R-E-T-E,

as opposed to "discreet," D-I-S-C-R-E-E-T.

Which is, of course, what we assumed he meant,

which is to be quiet, inconspicuous, discreet.

But I guess Mike wanted to be distinct, individual.

That's not what that means.

It means like, uh, separate, or, you know, disconnected from one another.

No.

But it does also mean individual, singular.

-Hey! -(ALL GASPING)

-Ahhh! -(GUNSHOT)

(YUNG HEE SCREAMS)

Uh-oh.

Oh, my God. You killed him.

He scared the (BLEEP) out of me!

Where did you get that gun?

My pocket!

Oh, man. Oh, God. Oh, God. Okay, okay.

Okay, the cops are going to be here soon.

Here's what we're gonna do. We gotta to chop up his body,

see, we need garbage bags, we need...

We need a saw!

An ax. We need an ax!

We're gonna need, uh, bleach. A (BLEEP) load of bleach.

'Cause we gotta clean up all this (BLEEP) blood.

-(YUNG HEE GASPS) -What?

YUNG HEE: Where'd he go?

-Wait! -(ALL SCREAM)

(GUNSHOTS)

MARQUESS: Pigeon, stop shooting!

Why won't you die?

Because I must already be dead.

Maybe Sarah bit me the last time we made love.

We both enjoy pretty rough sex, so...

I didn't think anything of it at the time.

But it looks like I'm a vampire, too.

Thank you, Mike Tyson Mystery Team.

I'm off to Romania to find my beautiful Sarah.

(SHOUTING) Hey, wait man, before you go, take down that review!

Oh, man, what an asshole.

-(GUNSHOT) -(ALL GASPING)

Oops. Guess I had another bullet in there.

Do you want to be internal...

Do you want to live for eternity?

Allow me to induce my, my, my,

fangs in your veins.

I will suck your blood.