Original subtitles

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

-What is that? -Leftovers. Chinese food.

-Why? Do you want it? -(WINGS FLUTTERING)

Hey, what the hell? Get the (BLEEP) away from me.

Ah, he wants to be your friend.

Yeah, I already have enough friends I don't like.

(MARQUESS HUMMING)

Are you drinking wine?

What? It's the weekend.

Dad, we got a new mystery.

Damn, they sure like that orange chicken.

I wonder, do they know that they're eating their cousins?

"Dear Mike Tyson Mystery Team,

"My sister Elsa and I are struggling to figure out

"what to do with our 96-year-old father.

"I think we need to put him in a nursing home,

"but Elsa worries that if we do,

"he'll lose the will to live.

"Can you help us decide?

"Sincerely, Alex Schmidt."

Oh, God, that's depressing.

Are we allowed to pick another one?

Yeah, I guess we could pick another one.

Whoo, this'll be fun!

(CHUCKLES) Cheers, team.

You know, it's 10:00 in the morning.

What? You never heard of a little white wine with brunch?

We're not eating brunch.

(SCOFFS)

-She can be a real (BLEEP). -YUNG: Oh, my God.

Okay, how about this one?

"Dear Mike Tyson Mystery Team,

"I don't have anyone else to turn to.

"My husband was just laid off,

"and we're so far behind on our mortgage

"that the bank is threatening to take our home.

"I would go back to work,

"but I'm afraid I was just injured,

"and in a fire,

"and my face was burnt off."

Jesus! That's more depressing than the other one.

I'll get us one. I'll get us a-one.

I'll get us a fun one.

Okay. Here we go.

"Dear Mike Tyson Mystery Team,

"Our beloved Golden Retriever, Furley,

"recently ran away.

"Making matters worse, he was the one bright spot

"in the life of our special needs daughter."

Oh, my God. Let's... Let's just go with the...

With the old man and the nursing home.

Good Lord, now, I need a drink.

(SCREAMS) What the (BLEEP) is this?

What is this, vodka?

Huh? (CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY)

What? How did that get in there?

ALEX: I'm glad you guys were able to get in before the storm.

They say the Denver area might get eight inches tonight.

Mmm, I'll give you 8 inches tonight. (CHUCKLES)

-Are you drunk? -What?

He says stuff like that all the time and no one says anything.

Ha!

So, Alex, why do you think your dad should be in a nursing home?

Well, he's 96.

He lives alone in a cabin up in the mountains.

There's no heat.

So he has to chop wood just to keep from freezing to death.

I mean, he always forgets to take his heart medicine.

And the nearest hospital, it's two hours away.

And he's always been a little crazy, but I swear to God,

he's getting crazier every day.

Is he single?

(CHUCKLING) I'm sorry. I am drunk.

Mmm, Alex, it's a tough situation,

but I think you're right.

You should definitely put your father in a nursing home.

No ifs, ands, and buts.

-Dad can't go in a home. -(SIGHS)

He needs his independence.

You take that away from him and he'll have nothing to live for.

Elsa.

It's a tough situation, but I think you're right.

You should definitely not put your father in a nursing home.

No ifs, ands, and buts.

Fine. Then we'll have Dad move in with you.

Oh, because with three kids and a marriage that's hanging on by a thread,

I don't have enough on my plate?

Yeah. I'll put something on your plate.

(GUFFAWS)

(ALL LAUGHING)

Oh, that's funny.

Ugh! How is that...

It's timing. You've got bad timing.

If anything, it makes the most sense for him to live with you, Alex.

You live alone.

And I travel all the time,

so he'd still have no one looking after him.

Hey, I have a solution.

I think your father should move in with us.

No ifs, ands, and buts.

-What? -Dad!

Yeah. Yeah, that's what we need.

That's what the team has been missing the entire time,

a 96-year-old man.

We can all take turns bathing him,

feeding him, (BLEEP) him.

(LAUGHING)

(ALL LAUGHING)

He's very funny.

Okay. I can't.

Well, have you asked your father what he wants?

He doesn't know what's good for him.

And he's crazy.

He's not crazy, he's eccentric.

He spends all his time up there

looking for the Abominable Snowman.

He is crazy!

(SIGHS) Maybe you're right.

He should live with me.

(SOBBING)

There, there. We'll figure out

what to do about Pop-pop.

We should have gone with the special needs kid.

(SIGHS) He's still not picking up.

Dad, it's Elsa and Alex again.

And the Mystery Team again.

We're almost at the cabin.

I hope you're okay.

Call me when you get this.

Oh, jeez. When was the last time you talked to him?

-It's been a few days. -(SIGHS)

Can you seriously not move your seat up?

I told you, I can't reach the handle.

It's not my fault Alex didn't spring for power seats.

(SCOFFS) Why is the smallest person sitting up there anyway?

He called shotgun.

And when you call shotgun, you get shotgun.

Does anyone know where the term "Riding shotgun" comes from?

Okay. Well, I'll tell you.

MARQUESS: It comes from the Old West.

When the settlers were riding in their covered wagons,

they always had someone sit up next to the driver holding a shotgun.

Yeah, to protect them from bandits.

And that is where the term "Shotgun" comes from.

Really? It's not from me wanting to put a shotgun in my mouth

while you were telling that story?

(WIND WHISTLING)

-Why is the front door open? -Oh, God.

(ELSA CRYING)

Daddy.

There, there. It's okay.

At least now you don't have to decide

if your dad should live with you,

or if he should be put into a nursing home.

Because he's dead.

And so, now, all you have to decide now is

what you're gonna do with his frozen body.

(SOBBING)

If it's any consolation,

they say that freezing to death

is one of the most painless ways to go.

Or maybe it's one of the most painful ways to go.

I mean, his face looks like it was excruciating.

(ELSA CRYING)

Ah... What?

Hello? Uh, this is Alex Schmidt.

There has been a death. My father has passed away.

His name was Hermann Schmidt, yes.

The cabin at the end of Pine Bluff Road.

-Okay, thanks. We'll be here. -MIKE: Whoa!

What's all this shit?

The Abominable Snowman?

My dad was obsessed.

(SCOFFS) But I suppose there are worse things

he could have done with his life.

-(GASPS) -(DOOR RUMBLING)

-Heil Hitler! -ALEX: What the...

(RECORDING PLAYING)

Pop-pop!

(GASPS)

What the hell is this?

It looks like it's your dad's secret Nazi room.

This can't be possible.

Your dad was crazy, all right.

But not because he believes in the Abominable Snowman.

No, it's because he wanted to exterminate the Jewish people,

which, if you ask me, I believe is much more abominable

than the Abominable Snowman.

You know, my mother was Jewish?

Hmm, well, that means you're Jewish.

(SCREAMING)

-(ALL SCREAMING) -(YELLING IN GERMAN)

(GASPS)

(YELLING IN GERMAN)

(SCREAMING)

(YELLING IN GERMAN)

(CRYING) Oh, my...

(ROARING)

(BONES CRUNCHING)

(GROWLING)

I don't know why everyone is in such a mood.

If you wanted shotgun, you should have just called shotgun.

I went there and I was skiing, and, um...

Skiing wasn't the difficult part.

The difficult part is stopping.

So, I'm coming down this little mountain,

and this is the second big mountain,

sliding down, balancing myself out...

You know, I was good at really balancing myself.

So I'm coming down, and as soon as I came down the hill,

I hit the concrete.

And once the ski hit the concrete,

it stops and you keep going.

And, so, that's what happened to me.