Original subtitles

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Ugh.

Hmm.

Why do you have photos of naked women in our living room?

Not all of them are naked.

Some didn't follow instructions and sent me pictures in their underwear.

Ha.

It's kind of hard to cast you in the lead role of the Untitled Vagina Project

if I can't even see your vagina.

You're making a movie?

-Who's making a movie? -No one's making a movie!

It's a scam to get women to send me beaver shots.

Let me see that... Oh!

She followed the instructions

to the letter.

MIKE: Hey gang, get in here.

-We got a new mystery. -Oh, what is it?

"Call Deezy."

What the hell kind of mystery is that?

Michael, that's a phone message.

Ugh, Deezy.

I can't believe you let that guy be your agent. He's a parasite.

You're a parasite.

Now, Yung,

that is no way to talk to a casting director who's about to offer you the role

of the best friend

in the Untitled Vagina Project.

You don't have to submit a photo of your vagina.

-YUNG: Why? -I don't want to see it.

Deezy? What's up fool?

Hey Mike, what's up?

Listen, I got you something.

-What you got? -You got any mysteries going on this week?

No, Deezy, we're just chillin.

I think Pigeon is working on a movie or something.

I heard him saying something about a movie.

I'm gonna put him on the phone with you, and he'll tell you.

Hey, it's Deezy, tell him about the movie.

Oh, hello, Deezy. Hey, how's the shithead business going?

Suck my (BLEEP), Pigeon.

Now tell me about this movie of yours.

You got any part in it for Mike?

Oh, no, unfortunately there will be no part in it for Mike, Deezy, because

there's no movie.

Oh, you think Mike can't act in a movie? He's been in big movies.

You ever heard of The Hangover?

No, I've never heard of The Hangover.

(BLEEP) Pigeon.

You better put Mike in your movie.

He lets you live in his house.

Yeah. Okay, well, I gotta go Deezy because I don't want to talk to you anymore.

So, what's up, Deezy, what you got for me?

I got you a gig. A very special gig.

Part of a celebrity tour. Entertain the troops in Afghanistan.

Hey, I thought we pulled out of Afghanistan.

DEEZY: No, Mike, we still got a lot of personnel there.

We got special forces, we got counter-terrorism forces,

military training personnel. Come on, Mike, we've had this conversation before.

Hey, you know what, I'm right outside your house. I'm just gonna come in.

Hey! Mike, Yung, Ghost.

How ya'll doing?

-(BLEEP) you, Pigeon. -(PIGEON SCOFFS)

Hey, Deezy man, would you mind taking off your shoes, man?

We've become a no-shoe household here.

Oh, not a problem, Mike. You get the carpets cleaned?

No, I read about all these things people track into your house, man, with their shoes.

Dirt, urine, vomit, semen, and pollen.

Man, I've been sneezing all day!

Oh, I feel you, Mike.

Can I get you anything? You know, something to drink.

Yeah, you got any champagne open?

-No... -All right then, I'm good.

-Okay, Deezy, let's talk more about Afghanistan. -PIGEON: More?

It's a three-day trip. You fly commercial to Hamburg, Germany,

and then they put you on a C-17, straight to Kabul.

Wait, you're going to Afghanistan? When?

-Right now. -What?

They need to fill the slot.

Wayne Brady just dropped out.

Hold up, man, I'm the backup choice to Wayne Brady?

That's a huge (BLEEP) honor, man.

I love Wayne Brady, man. Man, what's that show, man?

Who The (BLEEP) Line Is It?

-Okay, Deezy, we will do it. -What?

Whoa, whoa, no Mike. This invitation is just for you.

No way, I can't do improv by myself.

Not even Wayne Brady does it by himself.

No one wants you to do improv, Mike.

Just do some of that getting back up after you get knocked down stuff.

You know, boxer talk. Inspirational.

-Let's get this money. -No.

You can't disappoint the troops.

They are expecting improv, and they're getting improv.

But we don't know how to do improv.

That's the beauty of improv.

You don't even have to know how to do improv.

You just have to improv with something off the top of your head.

My God, how many times are you assholes gonna say "improv"?

Excuse me, do you have any of those little bags of pretzels?

Hmm. Bitch.

That was sure nice of Deezy to house-sit for us while we were gone.

He's probably going to rob you.

(CHUCKLES)

You know what we gotta do when we get there? Get him a thank you gift.

Yeah, soon as we get there.

-What kind of (BLEEP) do they sell in Afghanistan? -I don't know.

I think I've heard of an Afghan rug.

What the (BLEEP) does Deezy need with an Afghan rug?

No, he likes gadgets.

You know, electric shit, man, for his phone and stuff.

Cheerleaders, huh? That sounds like some good ole fashioned troop entertainment.

Let me ask you gals something, you ever do any acting?

I only ask because I happen to be casting a film.

-Ugh. -What?

Hey, Mike, I know you're still in transit,

but I want you to know the house looks real good.

I just finished feeding your pigeons, I watered your plants and brought your mail inside.

Oh, wait, hold up. It looks like you got a new mystery, Mike.

Don't you worry about it though. Get that money over there. I'm on this.

Hey there, little fella. What you got for me? "Museum of Antiquity."

On behalf of the United States Armed Forces, welcome to Afghanistan,

ladies and gentlemen.

If you'll follow me, Sergeant Gutierrez will drive you to the performance venue.

I'm sure we'll pass a Best Buy on the way.

If not, Deezy also likes sunglasses.

So be on the lookout for a Sunglass Hut.

Ladies.

-Um, hello. -Hello, little boy.

Wait. You brought the van?

Oh, yeah. Always bring your own ride, man.

I've been stuck at too many lame ass parties, not to have my own ride.

-After you, little boy. -Okay.

Hey, dude, we'll follow you.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Michael, what are you doing?

I think I saw a Radio Shack.

Dad, we need to follow him!

My bad. That ain't a Radio Shack.

It's just a "shack" shack.

-(YUNG SCREAMS) -Jesus Christ!

(ELECTRICAL ZAPPING)

(PEOPLE GASPING)

DEEZY: So, let me get this straight.

There used to be a mummy in here?

And now the mummy's gone.

You're not Mike Tyson.

No. I'm his agent. But I got this.

I'll go take a look around. You got a flashlight or something?

Hmm. There's some creepy (BLEEP) down this way.

(MEN CHEERING)

MAN 1: Bend over!

MAN 2: Yeah!

Hmm, spray tan much?

SOLDIER: What's up girl!

(CHEERING)

Dad, I'm really starting to get nervous. Can we practice or something?

No, honey, no.

I told you, you don't practice improv.

Well, I don't think I can go out there.

Okay, sweety, I understand.

You're not funny. Hey, Pigeon.

Let's do it. We're the funny ones.

Oh, I'm not doing it.

Okay, cool. Marquess?

MIKE: It's just me and you, dude.

What?

(ALL CHEERING)

Hello, everyone.

I am Mike Tyson, former heavyweight champion of the world.

But the real heavyweight champion of the world are you,

the troops.

(ALL CHEERING)

I just came up with that, right now.

That's how good at improv I am.

Okay, we're gonna perform a scene based on your suggestions, okay?

Can somebody shout out a typical work place?

MAN 1: What about a doctor's office?

MAN 2: A library!

MAN 3: A bank!

MIKE: I heard a bank.

Okay, we take you now to a bank.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

Uh, good afternoon sir.

Welcome to the bank.

I understand you are interested in, um,

taking out a loan.

(WHISPERING) Michael, say something.

(CROWD WHISPERING)

(CRICKETS)

MIKE: Oh, God, I can't think of anything.

My heart is beating a thousand miles an hour.

I'm so nervous.

Marquess, use your ghost powers to get us the (BLEEP) out of here.

(ALARM BLARING)

(AUDIENCE GASPING)

(ALL CLAMORING)

Sorry to cut the show short, but evidently power went out in town

and the locals are going crazy.

So the base has been placed on alert.

If you follow Sergeant Gutierrez,

he'll get you safely back to the airfield.

Way to go Marquess, I owe you one buddy.

Well, that was a satisfying 60-hour trip.

(MOBILE VIBRATING)

It's Deezy.

Oh (BLEEP), I can't talk to him. We never got him a gift.

Come on, we'll go to Sunglass Hut.

Mike, it's Deezy.

I'm hiding inside the skull of a wooly mammoth.

There's a mummy that's after me!

You gotta come quick.

Oh, by the way, the dishes in the dishwasher are clean,

but I didn't have a chance to unload it because of this mummy (BLEEP).

So just don't put any dirty dishes in there, or they'll get all mixed up.

-(GROANING MUMMY) -Oh (BLEEP)!

There he is. I gotta go Mike, I gotta go.

Come quick!

Ok guys, one more... One more, one more shout out suggestion.

Give it to me. Come on. One more. Last one, guys.

MAN: Like an office supply store.

Office supply store.

Okay.

We're at...