Original subtitles

(THEME SONG PLAYING)

(CROWD CHEERING ON TV)

MAN: (ON TV) Those were the first points scored by someone

other than Blankard in the quarter.

And New York keeps chipping away that lead.

Here's Ward on the dribble drive.

(WHIRRING)

Dad, do you have to do that right now?

Yes, ma'am.

instead of sitting around rotting your brains out watching TV all day.

What's this (BLEEP)?

YUNG: It's the WNBA.

Oh, my God! Are you a lesbian?

No, I'm not a lesbian.

You're a lesbian and you're afraid to come out to me.

Is that why you drinkin' and druggin',

because you have so much shame?

This is all Pigeon's, not me.

Yung, I will love you no matter who you choose to lay with.

-(THUDDING) -PIGEON: Ah!

Turn it off, turn it off!

What the hell is that?

Dad, shut it off!

(VACUUM POWERING DOWN)

You sucked up Pigeon again.

(COUGHING)

What the hell is the matter with you?

Didn't you see me passed out on the floor?

Oh, man. Now I gotta vacuum again.

Mystery Team, guess what I have in my hands?

PIGEON: Your resignation letter.

No!

-Your suicide note. -Hey, what!

What is wrong with you?

A drawing of your penis to scale.

Oh, oh, okay.

Because it's small. Okay, very clever. No!

It's a mystery.

Ooh, WNBA! Okay.

Well, oh, the mystery.

"Dear Mr. Tyson, please hurry,

"something terrible has happened," signed Judith Ensler.

(GASPS) Then there's just an address.

Oh, good. That's near Cost-Lo.

And I'm gonna get some hummus.

Oh, man. They got great hummus.

To the Mystery Mobile!

-PIGEON: So, I understand you're a lesbian now, huh? -(YUNG SCOFFS)

MIKE: Okay, ma'am, calm down. Tell us what happened.

(CRYING) It's my husband.

It's so horrible!

I can't, I can't.

(SOBBING)

There, there. We've been in the mystery business for a long time.

And it's never as bad as it seems.

PIGEON: Holy (BLEEP)! They cut off his head!

Oh, my (BLEEP) God. What is that? Is that his dick?

They cut off his dick and stuck it in his mouth!

What the (BLEEP)! Where are his feet?

Okay, ma'am, I'm gonna have to ask you something.

May I put my hummus is your refrigerator, please?

MIKE: Don't worry, Miss Ensler,

we're gonna solve this mystery.

(WHISPERING) Michael, this is a matter for the police!

Marquess, the police have more important things to deal with.

The man's penis is sticking out from his own mouth!

I'm so sorry, ma'am.

This is a crime scene! We shouldn't be here.

Do you have any idea who would have done this?

My husband is a psychiatrist.

He has a number of very troubled patients.

You could search his laptop.

I think he had it with him in the study.

(CELLPHONE RINGING)

Shit, it's my agent.

I gotta take this.

Marquess, go get his laptop.

No! I am not going back in there.

-Pigeon? -Oh, I see!

So this dead guy can't handle looking at another dead guy.

Well, that's just great!

Maybe I'll get lucky and find his feet.

MIKE: What's up, Deezy?

No, man, I'm just chilin'.

I can talk.

What kind of business opportunity?

PIGEON: Where exactly in the study?

I don't know. Maybe the desk?

-Look in the drawers. -(DRAWER OPENING)

PIGEON: Oh, for Christ's sakes! What is this?

I can't understand you.

I hate talking on cellphones. Why don't you just come over here?

PIGEON: Holy (BLEEP)! They cut off his hands!

No, I'm not in my house. Hold on,

I'm going to put you on with the lady who lives here

and she'll give you the directions.

PIGEON: Ah! Found his feet.

It's Deezy. Tell him how to get here, please.

PIGEON: Here you go.

I'll be having nightmares about that

for the rest of my life.

Look, Deezy, I don't know anything about ties.

You don't need to, man. That's my job.

I'll hook you up with the money-making opportunities.

And I think this is a good one.

I don't know, Deezy. What do you think, Pigeon?

Tyson Ties.

Because the "Ty" in Tyson sounds like "tie"?

Yeah, that's it. You got it, Pigeon.

It's symbiotic.

Yeah. Oh, I already had it.

Hey, didn't we already do something like this?

No, you're thinking of Mike Pad Thai-son frozen Thai food.

Did we make money on that?

We did all right. We did real good in the south.

Oh, oh, I got one.

Mike Ty-Sun Screen.

You're a day late, Pigeon. We already did that one.

And it was a shitty idea.

We lost 14 million on it.

You better be careful, Mike.

This guy's gonna water down your brand.

-Oh, you've got a lot of opinions. -Yeah, I do.

A lot of words come out of such a small beak.

Yeah, well, you're an idiot.

You know what I'd like to do?

Deep fry your ass and eat you for dinner.

Oh, you eat pigeon, do ya?

You know who else eats pigeon? Filthy homeless people.

I once ate a parrot.

Oh, man. My friend was so mad.

I didn't know!

Hey, Yung, Ghost, what do you think?

You think this is a good deal?

Uh, we're kind of in the middle of something.

Hey, Miss Ensler, I know you're still grieving,

but I want your honest opinion, okay.

Do you think I should have a line of neckties?

-Michael! -Richard loved ties.

They cut off his head!

(SOBBING)

Okay, let's do it!

Mike Tyson is in the tie business.

Dad, look. We found his calendar.

He had an appointment today

with a man named Charles Scurb.

Hey, Miss Ensler, have you ever heard of a Charles Scurb?

He keeps all his patient files locked in his office.

Um, do you happen to have the keys?

No, he always has them.

They're probably in his pocket.

(GASPS)

Oh, dear God.

My fingers are covered in hummus.

Pigeon, will you go get 'em?

Yeah, I think I'm done going back in there.

-Do not look at me. -Mmm-mmm.

Hey, Deezy, go in that room and get Dr. Ensler's keys.

They're in his pocket.

Sure, Mike.

What, is he asleep or something?

Yes. Yes, he is. He's asleep.

-DEEZY: Oh, my Lord! -(MRS. ENSLER SOBBING))

Why would people do this? Who did this?

Hell, no!

-Hell, no! -(CHUCKLES)

Oh, here it is. Charles Scurb.

Oh, my God!

It says he calls himself Chainsaw Charlie.

So, still, no one is calling the police.

I mean, there is a savagely mutilated body

just sitting in that house and no one has been notified.

"Patient has expressed murderous tendencies

"and now threatening to murder and decapitate me and my wife.

"I have rejected a course of electric shock therapy

"because my gut tells me the patient is bluffing

"and is basically harmless."

Dr. Ensler, shouldn't have trusted your gut.

Especially now that it's sitting in your desk drawer.

Are you just going through his patients' files?

No, no. Just the sex addicts.

Tiffany Daniels.

Calls herself, (BLEEP) Sucking Daniels.

(LAUGHING) I'm kidding. It doesn't say that.

I just gave her that. But it does have her home address.

What do you say we swing by after?

Ooh! That's pretty close to Cost-Lo too.

We could pick up some more hummus,

and, man, this time we'll get the big tub.

Damn, that's good hummus.

(CELLPHONE RINGING)

It's Deezy. What's up, fool?

What I gotta sign? You sign it. I gave you power of attorney.

PIGEON: Hmm. Maybe I'm a sex addict.

You're definitely a sex addict.

Hold up. Maybe Dr. Ensler got a fax machine in here.

Hell, yeah. He got one.

Damn, I don't know the number. Hold up.

I'll call and ask Miss Ensler and ask her for the fax number.

Hold on.

Hey, Miss Ensler, it's Mike Tyson.

You feeling any better?

Yeah, you just need a little time, that's all.

Hey, do you know the number for the fax machine in Dr. Ensler's office?

I'm going to conference you in with Deezy

and you tell him the fax number, okay?

Hold on.

Okay, Deezy, you there?

Miss Ensler, you're on the phone with Deezy.

-Hey. -Hello. The number for the fax is 555-0198.

Okay, got it. Let me send it to you.

Thanks again, Miss Ensler. Have a nice day, ma'am.

-(GLASS SHATTERS) -(GASPS)

I think there's someone in the house.

Oh, God! He's come back.

-Who's come back? -Chainsaw Charlie?

Oh, my God! He came back! He's going to kill her!

Why didn't we call the Police?

Two thousand men!

-(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING) -He's right outside.

(FAX MACHINE RINGING AND BEEPING)

Oh, whoops!

I'm gonna take Mrs. Ensler home with me.

What? Mike, did you get the fax?

-Yeah, now what do I do? -You sign it and fax it back.

What is happening?

Chainsaw Charlie is taking Miss Ensler to his house.

-What? -Do you have his address in that file?

Yeah. Yeah, it's right here.

Shit! That's like one block away from Cost-Lo.

Man, this is our lucky day.

Hold up. We gotta wait for the confirmation.

(FAX MACHINE BEEPS)

Okay. To the Mystery Mobile!

MARQUESS: So, we're still not calling the police?

It's not even a mystery anymore.

He's the killer. I mean, honestly...

(MRS. ENSLER SCREAMING)

Hey! Put that down, you dumb (BLEEP) lunatic!

(CHAINSAW WHIRRING)

(GROANING)

What the hell was that?

It's the Mike Ty-Stun Gun.

It's the only one ever made. We couldn't get any investors.

Deezy, Deezy, Deezy...

Do we have a blanket or something for this poor woman?

Okay.

I'm a sex addict.