Original subtitles

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

TOUR GUIDE: Miami University of Ohio

is so excited to have you here.

Just over there is the stadium where you'll be giving your commencement address.

Oh boy, I just gotta say this is a remarkable honor.

You didn't think you were going to Miami, Florida, did you?

Now why would I think that, huh?

I'd have to be a moron to think that.

You school is called Miami of Ohio.

My plane ticket was to Oxford, Ohio.

Did you think I would just get on a plane

without even having any idea where I was going?

ANNOUNCER: This is the final call for flight 1760...

Ohio?

Well, some people get confused.

Man, those people are morons,

and I feel sorry for them.

MARQUESS: What are you doing?

Mike said we could solve a mystery while he's gone.

Well, shouldn't we wait for Yung?

Uh, she's trying to thaw a piece of chicken.

She said to start with... Without her.

She said, "I should run point."

She said, "Run point on this one." Her words!

I can't tell if you're being serious

but for some reason, I believe you, you're selling it. Read the note.

"You made bet, you lose bet,

"you don't pay money, I take girl."

That sounds less like a mystery and more like a threat.

Oh, it is a threat.

You know my friend Gregor?

Umm... Should I?

Certainly. He's a famous gangster.

Like, he does serious horrible stuff.

-Murder, human trafficking... -(GASPS)

But, also stuff that shouldn't even be illegal.

Like gambling and drugs.

So, a flawed human being, just like the rest of us.

I think he wrote that note.

So is that note for you?

Did he take Yung?

Huh? Oh, well, I hadn't considered that.

Uh, well, you know,

that, that, that might be what this is about.

Now that I think about it,

I, uh, I remember I put 20 grand on the Sugar Bowl

and then some freshman kicker

misses a three-yard field goal. (LAUGHS)

College kids, they're so stupid.

And now a human trafficker has Yung?

We have to call the police.

Oh, no, no, no. He just wants his money. We can do this on our own.

No, we should call Michael.

Oh, no way. Mike trusted us to take care of his daughter, and you failed.

What? How did I fail? I didn't do anything.

Oh, well, come on now, this is just a bunch of he said, she said.

The point is, we can get her back without involving Mike.

Okay, fine!

Just call Gregor and let's get this thing settled.

You think the kids at Miami of Ohio ever get mad

that the other Miami University doesn't have to,

have to say "Miami of Florida" in their school name?

-I don't care, focus! -No, no, I should.

And I'm not gonna pretend that "he said, she said" thing wasn't offensive.

(LAUGHING) No, it was pretty offensive.

Gregor, it's me.

Do you have Yung Hee?

This is your fault as much as mine.

I have a gambling problem, you're an enabler.

Who are the Spurs playing tonight, by the way?

Really, I'll take them and the points.

-Pigeon! -Huh?

Listen, Gregor, we need Yung Hee back.

Great!

-He's gonna give her back? -Absolutely!

On an unrelated note, uh,

do you have $20,000?

MIKE: Red leather, yellow leather, red leather, yellow leather,

red yellow leather... (STAMMERS)

Red... Oh God.

MAN: Excuse me, Mr. Tyson,

can I get a copy of your speech to put in the teleprompter?

I didn't write a speech,

I'm gonna speak extemporaneously

from my heart.

Peter pepper picked the pepper, piper...

Peter... Oh, God.

PIGEON: What about his championship belt?

It's gotta be worth 20 grand.

He wears sweat pants, he doesn't need a belt.

No! He worked his whole life for that.

Oh, wow. I don't understand

why you don't wanna get Yung back.

Why are you so anti-Yung?

No, I'm not doing this with you.

Here, we'll take one of his Rolexes.

He has eight, maybe he won't notice.

-PIGEON: Is it because you hate Asians? -Stop it.

-Huh? What's the matter with Asians? -No!

-I'm seriously asking the question. Why? -Well, I'm not answering!

-Why do you hate Asian people? -Stop it!

Come on now!

GREGOR: Ah, yes!

You will be big hit at tonight's party!

You won't be needing these anymore.

The second my dad finds out where I am, you're dead.

(LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY)

You make me laugh.

Thank you for that.

(CONTINUES LAUGHING)

YUNG: Dad!

TV ANNOUNCER: Welcome to our live coverage

of the Miami University commencement address

given tonight by Mike Tyson.

I hope he's not nervous.

ANNOUNCER: And thanks for tuning in to the Commencement Channel.

Seriously. We didn't think anybody would ever watch.

PIGEON: Now listen. Gregor may get spooked by you,

so just hang by the bar and let me handle this.

Gimme the Rolex.

What do you want drink?

Hmm? Oh. No, thank you, I'm fine. Just waiting for a friend.

Four drink minimum.

Four? My God!

Okay, I'll take four waters.

No deal.

Ah, come on, Gregor.

I can't leave here without the girl.

No deal!

Well, that's an ugly side I didn't think he had.

What happened? Where's Yung?

Oh. Okay, listen. Yung Hee?

Um, well, she's dead.

-Oh my God! What? -I know.

-In many ways, it's a tragedy. -(GASPING)

-We have to call Michael. -No!

No, a phone call's too impersonal.

Let's go home, and we'll Skype him.

Hello graduates of Ohio University in Miami.

(CHEERING ON TV)

-Looks like your friend cannot afford you. -Shh!

I bet you guys think I'm gonna talk to you

about getting back up after getting knocked down in life.

But I'm not.

I'm gonna talk to you about hats.

Not those square hats like the one you guys are wearing,

which, by the way, I can't believe you're all wearing the same hat.

(CHUCKLES) That is tripping me out, man.

Does everybody here wear the same hat in Miami?

It's like a square hat with a string.

I never, ever in my life seen a hat like that.

Are you all wearing the same clothes too?

Is this some kind of religious school?

What the (BLEEP) is going on here?

I love Mike Tyson.

I'll be her guide.

I'll find her in the spirit world and guide her.

Oh, she must be so scared!

Yes, yes. But don't rush that though.

You have to give her some time to adjust to the spirit world.

You know, maybe we should hold off telling Mike for a bit too.

What? No! He has to know as soon as possible.

Ah! God! I have to pee.

I drank four waters in two minutes.

-Well, why'd you drink that? -What do mean why?

I paid for them.

Oh my god, you're so cheap.

-What, are you gonna run out of ghost dollars? -Oh, stop it.

I have to go to the bathroom. I'm gonna explode!

Let's go in here.

MARQUESS: Oh, that's not predictable.

Okay, Tingle, how much for a lap dance?

Where's your lap?

Ha ha ha! Trust me, we'll figure it out!

-Thirty. -Oh, yeah?

How much for you to come live with me and my ghost friend,

and pretend to be Mike Tyson's 18-year-old daughter?

For how long?

The rest of your life.

It's 10,000 for a lifetime move-in.

Can I have a dollar? They have a bathroom attendant.

I'm out of "ghost dollars."

Hang on, I think Tingle can help us.

Tingle? Her name is Tingle?

PIGEON: But it could be...

Yung Hee!

That is if you think this watch is worth $10,000.

The hat I wanna speak of today

are invisible hats.

I'm wearing one right now.

You see, I used to wear a fighting hat.

All my life I had it on.

And I was always fighting because of my fighting hat.

And so everyone thinks, "Mike Tyson, he's just a fighter."

But one day I decided to take that hat off

and now I wear my new hat. Can you see it?

It's a mystery solving hat.

Like the kind Sherlock Holmes wears, but it's invisible.

So it doesn't itch, or look like I'm wearing a (BLEEP) costume.

And so now, instead of getting into fights because of my fighting hat,

I solve mysteries,

because I'm wearing the same kinda hat that Sherlock Holmes wears.

My point is that you can wear a hat for a very long time

and everyone think that's who you are.

But it's just a hat you're wearing, you can take it off.

In fact, hats are the easiest items of clothing to take off.

You have been students your whole life.

It's time to take those hats off.

Take 'em off, throw 'em away,

because you're not students anymore,

you graduated!

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

Damn, I didn't mean literally take them off.

College kids are so stupid!

-(CHEERING ON TV) -(TV TURNS OFF)

-You are free, you can leave. -What?

No more human trafficking,

it's time for me to wear a new hat.

What hat will I wear?

The sky is the limit!

GREGOR: I've never been so happy in my life!

YUNG: I knew my dad would save me.

This is ridiculous! It won't work! She's not a goldfish.

Well, maybe he won't ask for her.

And if he does, we can have her stand far away.

-(SKYPE CHIMES) -Oh, we're up!

Hey, fellas. My commencement speech was great. Did you see it?

Ah, man, we missed it.

Yeah, turns out,

you don't have the Commencement Channel here.

Man that seems ludicrous.

I'll call the cable company in the morning.

Where's Yung Hee?

I can't be party to this. Michael, your daughter is...

-Hi, Dad! -Hi, Yung! What are you wearing?

Huh? What's that, Mike?

What? We can barely hear you.

Thank God you're alive!

Who told you I was dead?

Well, Gregor strongly implied it,

and we had to start the healing process for ourselves.

Ugh.

Ahh!

Jesus (BLEEP) Christ!

Um, who's the woman in my bedroom?

That's... That's Tingle.

Who's Tingle?

Why, she is the newest member

of the Mike Tyson Mystery Team!

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Red leather, yellow leather, red leather, yellow leather.

(SCATTING)

(END THEME PLAYING)