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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,633 --> 00:00:02,473 (THEME MUSIC PLAYING) 2 00:00:32,766 --> 00:00:34,626 TOUR GUIDE: Miami University of Ohio 3 00:00:34,635 --> 00:00:36,735 is so excited to have you here. 4 00:00:36,737 --> 00:00:40,637 Just over there is the stadium where you'll be giving your commencement address. 5 00:00:40,641 --> 00:00:43,911 Oh boy, I just gotta say this is a remarkable honor. 6 00:00:43,911 --> 00:00:46,651 You didn't think you were going to Miami, Florida, did you? 7 00:00:46,647 --> 00:00:47,907 Now why would I think that, huh? 8 00:00:47,915 --> 00:00:49,615 I'd have to be a moron to think that. 9 00:00:49,617 --> 00:00:51,647 You school is called Miami of Ohio. 10 00:00:51,652 --> 00:00:53,852 My plane ticket was to Oxford, Ohio. 11 00:00:53,854 --> 00:00:55,494 Did you think I would just get on a plane 12 00:00:55,489 --> 00:00:57,259 without even having any idea where I was going? 13 00:00:57,258 --> 00:00:59,928 ANNOUNCER: This is the final call for flight 1760... 14 00:00:59,927 --> 00:01:01,587 Ohio? 15 00:01:01,595 --> 00:01:03,525 Well, some people get confused. 16 00:01:03,531 --> 00:01:05,061 Man, those people are morons, 17 00:01:05,066 --> 00:01:07,396 and I feel sorry for them. 18 00:01:07,401 --> 00:01:08,931 MARQUESS: What are you doing? 19 00:01:08,936 --> 00:01:11,736 Mike said we could solve a mystery while he's gone. 20 00:01:11,739 --> 00:01:13,809 Well, shouldn't we wait for Yung? 21 00:01:13,808 --> 00:01:16,338 Uh, she's trying to thaw a piece of chicken. 22 00:01:16,343 --> 00:01:18,443 She said to start with... Without her. 23 00:01:18,446 --> 00:01:20,046 She said, "I should run point." 24 00:01:20,047 --> 00:01:22,407 She said, "Run point on this one." Her words! 25 00:01:22,416 --> 00:01:24,346 I can't tell if you're being serious 26 00:01:24,351 --> 00:01:27,391 but for some reason, I believe you, you're selling it. Read the note. 27 00:01:27,388 --> 00:01:29,818 "You made bet, you lose bet, 28 00:01:29,824 --> 00:01:32,294 "you don't pay money, I take girl." 29 00:01:32,293 --> 00:01:35,193 That sounds less like a mystery and more like a threat. 30 00:01:35,196 --> 00:01:36,396 Oh, it is a threat. 31 00:01:36,397 --> 00:01:38,197 You know my friend Gregor? 32 00:01:38,199 --> 00:01:39,629 Umm... Should I? 33 00:01:39,633 --> 00:01:41,633 Certainly. He's a famous gangster. 34 00:01:41,635 --> 00:01:43,565 Like, he does serious horrible stuff. 35 00:01:43,571 --> 00:01:45,441 -Murder, human trafficking... -(GASPS) 36 00:01:45,439 --> 00:01:48,569 But, also stuff that shouldn't even be illegal. 37 00:01:48,576 --> 00:01:50,106 Like gambling and drugs. 38 00:01:50,111 --> 00:01:53,281 So, a flawed human being, just like the rest of us. 39 00:01:53,280 --> 00:01:54,580 I think he wrote that note. 40 00:01:54,582 --> 00:01:56,182 So is that note for you? 41 00:01:56,183 --> 00:01:57,553 Did he take Yung? 42 00:01:57,551 --> 00:02:00,591 Huh? Oh, well, I hadn't considered that. 43 00:02:00,588 --> 00:02:02,858 Uh, well, you know, 44 00:02:02,857 --> 00:02:05,517 that, that, that might be what this is about. 45 00:02:05,526 --> 00:02:07,026 Now that I think about it, 46 00:02:07,027 --> 00:02:10,097 I, uh, I remember I put 20 grand on the Sugar Bowl 47 00:02:10,097 --> 00:02:11,857 and then some freshman kicker 48 00:02:11,866 --> 00:02:15,466 misses a three-yard field goal. (LAUGHS) 49 00:02:15,469 --> 00:02:17,599 College kids, they're so stupid. 50 00:02:17,605 --> 00:02:20,505 And now a human trafficker has Yung? 51 00:02:20,508 --> 00:02:22,208 We have to call the police. 52 00:02:22,209 --> 00:02:25,539 Oh, no, no, no. He just wants his money. We can do this on our own. 53 00:02:25,546 --> 00:02:27,576 No, we should call Michael. 54 00:02:27,581 --> 00:02:31,981 Oh, no way. Mike trusted us to take care of his daughter, and you failed. 55 00:02:31,986 --> 00:02:34,686 What? How did I fail? I didn't do anything. 56 00:02:34,688 --> 00:02:38,088 Oh, well, come on now, this is just a bunch of he said, she said. 57 00:02:38,092 --> 00:02:41,232 The point is, we can get her back without involving Mike. 58 00:02:41,228 --> 00:02:42,858 Okay, fine! 59 00:02:42,863 --> 00:02:45,103 Just call Gregor and let's get this thing settled. 60 00:02:46,566 --> 00:02:49,226 You think the kids at Miami of Ohio ever get mad 61 00:02:49,236 --> 00:02:51,166 that the other Miami University doesn't have to, 62 00:02:51,172 --> 00:02:53,772 have to say "Miami of Florida" in their school name? 63 00:02:53,774 --> 00:02:55,814 -I don't care, focus! -No, no, I should. 64 00:02:55,809 --> 00:02:59,009 And I'm not gonna pretend that "he said, she said" thing wasn't offensive. 65 00:02:59,013 --> 00:03:01,513 (LAUGHING) No, it was pretty offensive. 66 00:03:01,515 --> 00:03:03,115 Gregor, it's me. 67 00:03:03,117 --> 00:03:04,917 Do you have Yung Hee? 68 00:03:04,919 --> 00:03:06,919 This is your fault as much as mine. 69 00:03:06,921 --> 00:03:09,691 I have a gambling problem, you're an enabler. 70 00:03:09,690 --> 00:03:12,190 Who are the Spurs playing tonight, by the way? 71 00:03:12,193 --> 00:03:14,363 Really, I'll take them and the points. 72 00:03:14,361 --> 00:03:15,661 -Pigeon! -Huh? 73 00:03:15,663 --> 00:03:18,633 Listen, Gregor, we need Yung Hee back. 74 00:03:19,399 --> 00:03:21,129 Great! 75 00:03:21,135 --> 00:03:23,435 -He's gonna give her back? -Absolutely! 76 00:03:23,437 --> 00:03:25,267 On an unrelated note, uh, 77 00:03:25,272 --> 00:03:27,712 do you have $20,000? 78 00:03:27,708 --> 00:03:30,508 MIKE: Red leather, yellow leather, red leather, yellow leather, 79 00:03:30,511 --> 00:03:32,311 red yellow leather... (STAMMERS) 80 00:03:32,313 --> 00:03:33,513 Red... Oh God. 81 00:03:33,514 --> 00:03:35,284 MAN: Excuse me, Mr. Tyson, 82 00:03:35,282 --> 00:03:37,152 can I get a copy of your speech to put in the teleprompter? 83 00:03:37,151 --> 00:03:38,321 I didn't write a speech, 84 00:03:38,319 --> 00:03:40,689 I'm gonna speak extemporaneously 85 00:03:40,688 --> 00:03:42,588 from my heart. 86 00:03:42,590 --> 00:03:45,160 Peter pepper picked the pepper, piper... 87 00:03:45,159 --> 00:03:46,929 Peter... Oh, God. 88 00:03:46,927 --> 00:03:48,557 PIGEON: What about his championship belt? 89 00:03:48,562 --> 00:03:50,502 It's gotta be worth 20 grand. 90 00:03:50,497 --> 00:03:52,827 He wears sweat pants, he doesn't need a belt. 91 00:03:52,833 --> 00:03:55,573 No! He worked his whole life for that. 92 00:03:55,569 --> 00:03:57,969 Oh, wow. I don't understand 93 00:03:57,972 --> 00:04:00,142 why you don't wanna get Yung back. 94 00:04:00,140 --> 00:04:02,010 Why are you so anti-Yung? 95 00:04:02,009 --> 00:04:03,839 No, I'm not doing this with you. 96 00:04:03,844 --> 00:04:05,914 Here, we'll take one of his Rolexes. 97 00:04:05,913 --> 00:04:08,213 He has eight, maybe he won't notice. 98 00:04:08,215 --> 00:04:10,775 -PIGEON: Is it because you hate Asians? -Stop it. 99 00:04:10,784 --> 00:04:12,684 -Huh? What's the matter with Asians? -No! 100 00:04:12,686 --> 00:04:14,646 -I'm seriously asking the question. Why? -Well, I'm not answering! 101 00:04:14,655 --> 00:04:16,045 -Why do you hate Asian people? -Stop it! 102 00:04:16,056 --> 00:04:17,116 Come on now! 103 00:04:18,591 --> 00:04:19,931 GREGOR: Ah, yes! 104 00:04:19,927 --> 00:04:22,927 You will be big hit at tonight's party! 105 00:04:22,930 --> 00:04:25,260 You won't be needing these anymore. 106 00:04:25,266 --> 00:04:28,126 The second my dad finds out where I am, you're dead. 107 00:04:28,135 --> 00:04:30,495 (LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY) 108 00:04:30,504 --> 00:04:32,674 You make me laugh. 109 00:04:32,673 --> 00:04:34,243 Thank you for that. 110 00:04:34,241 --> 00:04:37,211 (CONTINUES LAUGHING) 111 00:04:37,211 --> 00:04:39,281 YUNG: Dad! 112 00:04:39,280 --> 00:04:40,950 TV ANNOUNCER: Welcome to our live coverage 113 00:04:40,948 --> 00:04:43,018 of the Miami University commencement address 114 00:04:43,017 --> 00:04:45,377 given tonight by Mike Tyson. 115 00:04:45,386 --> 00:04:47,286 I hope he's not nervous. 116 00:04:47,288 --> 00:04:49,148 ANNOUNCER: And thanks for tuning in to the Commencement Channel. 117 00:04:49,156 --> 00:04:52,856 Seriously. We didn't think anybody would ever watch. 118 00:04:52,860 --> 00:04:55,190 PIGEON: Now listen. Gregor may get spooked by you, 119 00:04:55,195 --> 00:04:58,325 so just hang by the bar and let me handle this. 120 00:04:58,332 --> 00:04:59,702 Gimme the Rolex. 121 00:05:02,769 --> 00:05:04,399 What do you want drink? 122 00:05:04,405 --> 00:05:07,635 Hmm? Oh. No, thank you, I'm fine. Just waiting for a friend. 123 00:05:07,641 --> 00:05:09,341 Four drink minimum. 124 00:05:09,343 --> 00:05:11,313 Four? My God! 125 00:05:11,312 --> 00:05:13,052 Okay, I'll take four waters. 126 00:05:13,579 --> 00:05:15,249 No deal. 127 00:05:15,249 --> 00:05:16,619 Ah, come on, Gregor. 128 00:05:16,617 --> 00:05:18,947 I can't leave here without the girl. 129 00:05:18,952 --> 00:05:20,792 No deal! 130 00:05:20,788 --> 00:05:23,318 Well, that's an ugly side I didn't think he had. 131 00:05:24,991 --> 00:05:27,031 What happened? Where's Yung? 132 00:05:27,027 --> 00:05:29,487 Oh. Okay, listen. Yung Hee? 133 00:05:29,496 --> 00:05:30,926 Um, well, she's dead. 134 00:05:30,931 --> 00:05:33,301 -Oh my God! What? -I know. 135 00:05:33,300 --> 00:05:35,830 -In many ways, it's a tragedy. -(GASPING) 136 00:05:35,836 --> 00:05:37,466 -We have to call Michael. -No! 137 00:05:37,471 --> 00:05:39,101 No, a phone call's too impersonal. 138 00:05:39,106 --> 00:05:42,766 Let's go home, and we'll Skype him. 139 00:05:42,776 --> 00:05:45,806 Hello graduates of Ohio University in Miami. 140 00:05:46,346 --> 00:05:48,876 (CHEERING ON TV) 141 00:05:48,882 --> 00:05:51,982 -Looks like your friend cannot afford you. -Shh! 142 00:05:51,985 --> 00:05:54,045 I bet you guys think I'm gonna talk to you 143 00:05:54,054 --> 00:05:57,594 about getting back up after getting knocked down in life. 144 00:05:57,591 --> 00:05:59,591 But I'm not. 145 00:05:59,593 --> 00:06:02,033 I'm gonna talk to you about hats. 146 00:06:02,029 --> 00:06:04,629 Not those square hats like the one you guys are wearing, 147 00:06:04,631 --> 00:06:08,001 which, by the way, I can't believe you're all wearing the same hat. 148 00:06:08,001 --> 00:06:10,941 (CHUCKLES) That is tripping me out, man. 149 00:06:10,938 --> 00:06:14,238 Does everybody here wear the same hat in Miami? 150 00:06:14,241 --> 00:06:17,381 It's like a square hat with a string. 151 00:06:17,378 --> 00:06:21,048 I never, ever in my life seen a hat like that. 152 00:06:21,048 --> 00:06:25,048 Are you all wearing the same clothes too? 153 00:06:25,052 --> 00:06:27,092 Is this some kind of religious school? 154 00:06:27,087 --> 00:06:29,717 What the (BLEEP) is going on here? 155 00:06:29,723 --> 00:06:31,663 I love Mike Tyson. 156 00:06:31,658 --> 00:06:33,058 I'll be her guide. 157 00:06:33,060 --> 00:06:34,690 I'll find her in the spirit world and guide her. 158 00:06:34,695 --> 00:06:36,185 Oh, she must be so scared! 159 00:06:36,196 --> 00:06:38,196 Yes, yes. But don't rush that though. 160 00:06:38,198 --> 00:06:40,598 You have to give her some time to adjust to the spirit world. 161 00:06:40,601 --> 00:06:43,641 You know, maybe we should hold off telling Mike for a bit too. 162 00:06:43,637 --> 00:06:46,737 What? No! He has to know as soon as possible. 163 00:06:46,740 --> 00:06:48,640 Ah! God! I have to pee. 164 00:06:48,642 --> 00:06:50,342 I drank four waters in two minutes. 165 00:06:50,344 --> 00:06:52,644 -Well, why'd you drink that? -What do mean why? 166 00:06:52,646 --> 00:06:53,806 I paid for them. 167 00:06:53,814 --> 00:06:55,614 Oh my god, you're so cheap. 168 00:06:55,616 --> 00:06:58,046 -What, are you gonna run out of ghost dollars? -Oh, stop it. 169 00:06:58,051 --> 00:07:00,551 I have to go to the bathroom. I'm gonna explode! 170 00:07:00,554 --> 00:07:02,224 Let's go in here. 171 00:07:02,222 --> 00:07:05,222 MARQUESS: Oh, that's not predictable. 172 00:07:05,225 --> 00:07:07,555 Okay, Tingle, how much for a lap dance? 173 00:07:07,561 --> 00:07:08,891 Where's your lap? 174 00:07:08,896 --> 00:07:11,726 Ha ha ha! Trust me, we'll figure it out! 175 00:07:11,732 --> 00:07:13,472 -Thirty. -Oh, yeah? 176 00:07:13,467 --> 00:07:16,127 How much for you to come live with me and my ghost friend, 177 00:07:16,136 --> 00:07:18,766 and pretend to be Mike Tyson's 18-year-old daughter? 178 00:07:18,772 --> 00:07:19,942 For how long? 179 00:07:19,940 --> 00:07:21,070 The rest of your life. 180 00:07:21,074 --> 00:07:23,214 It's 10,000 for a lifetime move-in. 181 00:07:23,210 --> 00:07:25,780 Can I have a dollar? They have a bathroom attendant. 182 00:07:25,779 --> 00:07:27,849 I'm out of "ghost dollars." 183 00:07:27,848 --> 00:07:30,378 Hang on, I think Tingle can help us. 184 00:07:30,384 --> 00:07:32,724 Tingle? Her name is Tingle? 185 00:07:32,719 --> 00:07:34,249 PIGEON: But it could be... 186 00:07:34,254 --> 00:07:35,554 Yung Hee! 187 00:07:35,556 --> 00:07:39,156 That is if you think this watch is worth $10,000. 188 00:07:41,194 --> 00:07:43,334 The hat I wanna speak of today 189 00:07:43,330 --> 00:07:44,900 are invisible hats. 190 00:07:44,898 --> 00:07:46,398 I'm wearing one right now. 191 00:07:46,400 --> 00:07:48,770 You see, I used to wear a fighting hat. 192 00:07:48,769 --> 00:07:50,339 All my life I had it on. 193 00:07:50,337 --> 00:07:52,837 And I was always fighting because of my fighting hat. 194 00:07:52,840 --> 00:07:56,810 And so everyone thinks, "Mike Tyson, he's just a fighter." 195 00:07:56,810 --> 00:07:59,380 But one day I decided to take that hat off 196 00:07:59,379 --> 00:08:02,249 and now I wear my new hat. Can you see it? 197 00:08:03,783 --> 00:08:05,753 It's a mystery solving hat. 198 00:08:05,752 --> 00:08:09,022 Like the kind Sherlock Holmes wears, but it's invisible. 199 00:08:09,022 --> 00:08:13,122 So it doesn't itch, or look like I'm wearing a (BLEEP) costume. 200 00:08:13,126 --> 00:08:17,626 And so now, instead of getting into fights because of my fighting hat, 201 00:08:17,631 --> 00:08:19,531 I solve mysteries, 202 00:08:19,533 --> 00:08:24,273 because I'm wearing the same kinda hat that Sherlock Holmes wears. 203 00:08:24,271 --> 00:08:27,271 My point is that you can wear a hat for a very long time 204 00:08:27,274 --> 00:08:29,374 and everyone think that's who you are. 205 00:08:29,376 --> 00:08:32,306 But it's just a hat you're wearing, you can take it off. 206 00:08:32,312 --> 00:08:36,952 In fact, hats are the easiest items of clothing to take off. 207 00:08:36,950 --> 00:08:38,980 You have been students your whole life. 208 00:08:38,986 --> 00:08:41,186 It's time to take those hats off. 209 00:08:41,188 --> 00:08:43,118 Take 'em off, throw 'em away, 210 00:08:43,123 --> 00:08:44,993 because you're not students anymore, 211 00:08:44,992 --> 00:08:46,692 you graduated! 212 00:08:46,693 --> 00:08:48,793 (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) 213 00:08:48,795 --> 00:08:51,025 Damn, I didn't mean literally take them off. 214 00:08:51,031 --> 00:08:53,931 College kids are so stupid! 215 00:08:53,934 --> 00:08:55,874 -(CHEERING ON TV) -(TV TURNS OFF) 216 00:08:55,869 --> 00:08:58,739 -You are free, you can leave. -What? 217 00:08:58,739 --> 00:09:00,869 No more human trafficking, 218 00:09:00,874 --> 00:09:03,784 it's time for me to wear a new hat. 219 00:09:03,777 --> 00:09:06,037 What hat will I wear? 220 00:09:06,046 --> 00:09:08,506 The sky is the limit! 221 00:09:08,515 --> 00:09:12,015 GREGOR: I've never been so happy in my life! 222 00:09:12,019 --> 00:09:14,389 YUNG: I knew my dad would save me. 223 00:09:17,356 --> 00:09:20,886 This is ridiculous! It won't work! She's not a goldfish. 224 00:09:20,894 --> 00:09:22,734 Well, maybe he won't ask for her. 225 00:09:22,729 --> 00:09:25,999 And if he does, we can have her stand far away. 226 00:09:25,999 --> 00:09:27,899 -(SKYPE CHIMES) -Oh, we're up! 227 00:09:27,901 --> 00:09:30,771 Hey, fellas. My commencement speech was great. Did you see it? 228 00:09:30,771 --> 00:09:32,371 Ah, man, we missed it. 229 00:09:32,372 --> 00:09:33,572 Yeah, turns out, 230 00:09:33,574 --> 00:09:35,214 you don't have the Commencement Channel here. 231 00:09:35,208 --> 00:09:36,678 Man that seems ludicrous. 232 00:09:36,677 --> 00:09:39,037 I'll call the cable company in the morning. 233 00:09:39,812 --> 00:09:41,382 Where's Yung Hee? 234 00:09:41,381 --> 00:09:44,181 I can't be party to this. Michael, your daughter is... 235 00:09:44,184 --> 00:09:47,524 -Hi, Dad! -Hi, Yung! What are you wearing? 236 00:09:47,521 --> 00:09:49,091 Huh? What's that, Mike? 237 00:09:49,089 --> 00:09:50,619 What? We can barely hear you. 238 00:09:50,624 --> 00:09:52,394 Thank God you're alive! 239 00:09:52,392 --> 00:09:54,492 Who told you I was dead? 240 00:09:54,494 --> 00:09:57,604 Well, Gregor strongly implied it, 241 00:09:57,598 --> 00:10:02,368 and we had to start the healing process for ourselves. 242 00:10:03,269 --> 00:10:04,499 Ugh. 243 00:10:11,344 --> 00:10:12,614 Ahh! 244 00:10:13,679 --> 00:10:16,109 Jesus (BLEEP) Christ! 245 00:10:16,116 --> 00:10:18,946 Um, who's the woman in my bedroom? 246 00:10:19,652 --> 00:10:21,652 That's... That's Tingle. 247 00:10:21,655 --> 00:10:22,985 Who's Tingle? 248 00:10:22,990 --> 00:10:25,160 Why, she is the newest member 249 00:10:25,158 --> 00:10:27,728 of the Mike Tyson Mystery Team! 250 00:10:27,728 --> 00:10:29,488 (THEME MUSIC PLAYING) 251 00:10:49,382 --> 00:10:52,322 Red leather, yellow leather, red leather, yellow leather. 252 00:10:52,319 --> 00:10:54,989 (SCATTING) 253 00:10:59,125 --> 00:11:00,985 (END THEME PLAYING) 19312

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