Original subtitles

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(PIGEON COOING)

Okay, everybody, we have a new mystery.

What the hell is this?

-MARQUESS: Is that Chinese? -Is it, Yung?

-Why would I know? -Because you're Korean.

Okay.

MIKE: Which is a kind of Chinese.

No.

Oh, Yung, sometimes I wonder

if homeschooling you was a big mistake.

Yeah, I've told you it was.

"My name is Wang Jing

"and I want you to come to Nicaragua and help me construct

"the largest canal in the world."

You speak Chinese?

There's a bunch of stuff you guys don't know about me.

Do you even know my name?

Pigeon.

PIGEON: Richard.

Richard sounds like pigeon.

PIGEON: Oh, man, what's the point?

Dad, I've heard about this Nicaragua canal thing.

It's crazy!

It would be three times as long as the Panama Canal.

And from what I understand,

building it would be catastrophic for the environment,

and financially, it makes no sense.

Where did you hear about that? It wasn't on my curriculum.

Marquess got me a subscription to The Economist.

Uh, well, I... (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

I also got you a subscription to Marie Claire,

and I'd like to see you pick it up once in a while.

They have great hair and makeup tips.

I mean, you...

You've got the inner beauty thing down,

but let's not forget what's going on out front.

Dad, you seriously shouldn't get involved with this.

I have to, honey.

Dad, what are you... (SIGHS)

You see, the Nicaraguan canal has a dream,

to defeat the Panama Canal

and be the heavyweight champion of canals.

I achieved that dream.

Now it's time for me to give back

and help somebody else achieve that dream.

Right, Marquess?

See, I think that would look good on you.

Get some layers going,

so it's not so much like you... You just gave up.

MIKE: Come on, gang.

To the Mystery Airline.

You bought a plane?

Don't be stupid, I can't afford a plane.

But I got a shitload of miles on Delta.

MIKE: Okay, let's find Wang Jing

and help him build the largest canal in the world.

Then we need to be in Nicaragua.

Yeah. 'Cause the note was in Chinese,

but the canal is in Nicaragua.

Well, in that case, back to the Mystery Airline.

But it won't be Delta, because I used up all my miles on Delta.

Yung Hee, I'll give you an extra minute to say goodbye to your homeland.

PIGEON: Well, what fun!

To be on a plane that long.

Welcome to Nicaragua, my friends.

-(LAUGHING) -Wang Jing?

Wang Jing indeed, at your service.

Although, in truth, I hope you will be at mine. (LAUGHS)

As you can see from the model,

we have much work to do.

Hey, that's a good model.

It looks like a toy train model, just with no train.

Yes, it is a good model.

I wish it was as easy to build the real thing

as it was the model. (LAUGHING)

Jesus Christ! What's this guy keep laughing about?

But in the model there are no indigenous people trying to stop us!

The indigenous people don't wanna have the biggest canal in the world?

Ah, but they are too primitive to understand

that the canal will help them.

GDP will rise

and with it the ability to feed, clothe and educate the poor.

-No way he followed any of that. -Shh.

WANG: Which is where you come in.

Oh, you got a little doll of me.

I want you to travel upriver.

MIKE: Put him in the boat.

Deep into the heart of darkness

or "jungle,"

and make them understand.

That's a good use of my skillset.

Ah, excuse me,

but what if doesn't help 'em?

And, because of global warming,

ships will soon be able to pass through the Arctic Circle

which will make all of this pointless.

Of course, you'll be rich either way,

'cause your company will own most of Nicaragua.

Hmm. You are obviously a well-educated young lady.

Huh. (CHUCKLING)

I homeschooled that shit!

But I'm afraid you don't know everything.

Everybody always wants to blame the teacher.

Sometimes it's the student.

I'm sorry, but you cannot make a souffle out of garbage.

Dad...

(SPEAKING CANTONESE)

(LAUGHING)

Um, I don't speak Chinese.

It's nothing to brag about, Yung.

I think what he's saying is...

Dad, why do you keep... (SIGHS)

Maybe no ships will use it,

maybe it will destroy the environment

and bankrupt the country.

And they could take away the expensive cars,

and the houses, and the pretty girls,

but they can never take away your title.

Well, um, technically,

a title can be taken away for a multitude of reasons.

Okay, that's true. Good point, Marquess.

Point for you.

But you get a point taken away for being a dick.

So, back to zero.

-Okay, we'll do it, Wang Jing. -Oh!

Those indigenous people may not like the idea of the canal now...

Yes?

-What? -They may not like the idea of the canal now, but what?

-But what, what? -What are you talking about?

Ugh! It's this language barrier.

Yung, tell Wang to take us to the indigenous people.

Will you take us to the indigenous people?

Of course.

What did he say?

He said, "Of course."

I think this guy needs to be homeschooled. Tell him I said that.

No, no, no. I'm just joking. Don't tell him I said that.

(CHUCKLING)

Damn! Not far from here is where I first met Sandra.

If only I'd known then that one day I would betray her

and then in her hurt and anger she would turn me into a pigeon.

Because unbeknownst to me, she secretly practiced witchcraft.

You know, I probably never would have come down here in the first place.

Did you use to live in Mexico?

We're in Nicaragua.

Which is a kind of Mexico.

And Marquess, if you don't mind, I'm talking to Pigeon.

I mean, Richard, I'm sorry.

You know, man, I gotta get used to this.

He doesn't look like a Richard, right? He looks like a pigeon, right?

-He looks like a pigeon, don't you think? -(BUSHES RUSTLING)

What is it, the indigenous people?

I don't know. But...

I'm sorry, but... But can you just say savages?

I am from a time when people said things like that.

It was cruel, but it was faster.

You know, like, "What is it, the savages?"

See how fast that is.

-(MAN GRUNTING) -(GASPS)

(SCREAMING)

Everyone down.

-Okay, we're here. Get out! -What? No!

He said we're here. Come on, guys.

-MARQUESS: Michael! -Dad!

-Whoa! -MARQUESS: Hey!

Yung!

WANG: Good luck with the savages, Mike.

I mean, indigenous people.

-Goodbye, Wang. -(MARQUESS AND YUNG GASP)

-(CLAMORING) -(DRUMS PLAYING)

MIKE: It's gonna raise your GDP.

And you guys are gonna be at the forefront of global trade.

You know what I'm saying?

I mean, the canal's gonna be the best thing that ever happened to Mexico.

You know what I'm saying?

No, they don't know what you're saying. They don't speak English.

No. It's because I don't have this table to stand on.

-If you're gonna do a speech, you gotta... -I speak English.

Sergio? Sergio Sanchez?

Richard, is that you?

Why are you a pigeon?

Ah, Sandra got mad at me.

You two know each other?

He's Sandra's dad. He was a successful dentist in Managua,

but he lost his license

because he wouldn't wear a shirt in the office.

Guess these characters don't mind.

SERGIO: This pigeon is my son-in-law.

He's my... (SPEAKING LOCAL LANGUAGE)

(ALL CHEERING)

Ex-son-in-law. Sandra and I got divorced.

What? When?

Pretty much right after she turned me into a pigeon.

Hmm. Well, you two will work it out.

It's meant to be.

It's written here in stone.

PIGEON: Oh, my God, that's Sandra.

-And some sort of bird. -MARQUESS: That's you.

PIGEON: Oh, yeah. MIKE: Hey, man, what's this part?

That is the end of the world.

Oh, (BLEEP). When is that gonna happen?

The second they begin digging that canal.

You see, the canal will be like a zipper.

And out from it will flop the world's penis.

Or the... (SPEAKING LOCAL LANGUAGE)

And the moon will mount it

and that's how you get the end of the world.

Why are you acting like you never heard that, Yung?

That was in the curriculum.

Hey, is it okay that I use this table?

-(ALL GASP) -No, that's their sacred altar.

All I wanted to do was help the Nicaraguan canal

become the heavyweight champion of canals.

But that was... Wait!

-What's your name again? -It's Richard.

Man, I'm telling you, you should change your name to Pigeon.

But that was before we saw all this ancient Mayan pornography.

Now all of us have to work together

to stop Wang Jing before he causes the end of the world.

-(PEOPLE GASPING) -(SCATTERED SHOUTING)

See, Marquess, these guys were into it and they don't even speak English.

-It's the table, man. -Oh, my God!

Soon, I will control Nicaragua

and then the world. (SNICKERING)

-Huh, what? -Oh.

I said soon I will control Nicaragua and then the world.

You know, as a joke.

(LAUGHING)

It's a weird joke.

(ALARMS BLARING)

(BOTH GRUNTING)

Damn! Instead of the savage converting the savages,

the savages must have converted the savage.

The hell with it! Commence digging.

Dig, dig, dig, dig. (LAUGHING)

(GRUNTING)

You didn't tell me you were gonna take out the world's...

(SPEAKING LOCAL LANGUAGE)

What are you talking about?

Don't hide behind that language barrier.

That canal's gonna be the end of the world.

Ah, that's superstitious nonsense.

What, did you never go to school?

(GASPS) I went to homeschool.

-MARQUESS: Mike! -And I was the teacher.

-MARQUESS: Michael, stop it! -And class is in session.

-MARQUESS: Michael! Oh! -And that class is called (BLEEP) you!

-(RUMBLING) -PIGEON: Whoa!

-What is that? -MARQUESS: What's happening?

What is happening?

The earth has a penis!

We're gonna die!

(ALL CLAMORING)

MIKE: Run, moon, run!

MARQUESS: The moon can't run, Michael.

Yep, been there.

See, now you'll listen to what I have to say, won't you?

You're gonna listen now, right?

Because I'm bigger than you now, right?

And I can kick you in your face, right?