Original subtitles

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

MIKE: Come on, guys. We got a new message.

Hey, what the hell? We got a new message.

"Is Magic real?"

Signed, an Old Wizard.

PIGEON: Hmm. A wizard who's lost his faith in magic.

That's ironic.

Ironic and sad.

You guys believe in magic, right?

PIGEON: No. MARQUESS: No, not really.

But you're a ghost. I think you're kind of magic.

Mmm... No, sorry, I just don't.

I've always been a man of reason.

Come on, man, what about you? You were turned into a pigeon by a witch.

Well, slow down, there.

Sandra said she was gonna turn me into a pigeon if I cheated on her one more time.

I, of course, immediately cheated on her.

But then, you know what?

I think I would have just, uh, transformed...

into a pigeon on my own.

Like, I think it would, uh...

You know. What's gonna happen's gonna happen.

Nope, there's no magic in this world, my friend.

Yung, you believe in magic, right?

I believe in the magic of hard work.

The magic of hard work?

That's the most depressing thing I've ever heard.

Are the only ones left that believe in magic me and this Old Wizard?

Well, you can't include him.

Clearly he's not sure, or he wouldn't be asking the question.

(GASPS)

All of you cold-hearted skepticalities is causing a flight or...

-fight feeling in my body. -What?

All of you cold-hearted skepticalities

is causing a fight or flight feeling in my body.

Oh, uh... still what.

To the Mystery Mobile!

PIGEON: No. No. No, no, no!

Don't close the blinds.

YUNG: Dad! MARQUESS: Michael!

MARQUESS: Slow down! MIKE: It's fight or flight, Marquess, and I'm flighty.

We gotta find out once and for all, is there magic in this world,

and then find the Old Wizard and tell him.

And then, and only then, will this fight or flight feeling leave.

And go away.

PIGEON: Why do you care about magic so much?

I have been through some real hard times,

and to get through them, I believe that there is something out there.

Like, um, someone had a plan for me.

That my life had a purpose.

-You mean, like, God? -No, not that fairytale stuff, honey.

I'm talking about leprechauns.

-Oh, my. -That's right.

I once saw a real live leprechaun, while visiting the Emerald Isles.

If he exists, then that proves that magic exists.

To the Mystery Mobile!

We're in the Mystery Mobile, Dad.

Are we really going to Ireland?

No. The Emerald Isle Bar and Grill inside the Camelot Hotel.

You can't drive to Ireland, Marquess.

Where's the Emerald Isle at?

Wait! Why don't you ask him? Isn't he a magician?

No way. He doesn't do magic. He does illusions.

Like, I got your nose or something.

It's okay, Marquess. It's okay. I don't have your nose.

It's just my thumb tip.

MIKE: It's just an illusion. MARQUESS: Yeah, I wasn't worried.

It's just a mean thing to do to kids, okay?

MARQUESS: Michael. Michael! YUNG: Dad, where are you going?

-Stop abusing kids! -(CROWD GASPING)

-Oh, my... Michael! -YUNG: Dad!

-The Emerald Isle! -Michael, stop running away.

I was here one time, and the whole place was decorated in green.

And everyone here was wearing green.

And the beer was green. And it was crazy how everything was green.

I think it was Valentine's Day or something.

And you were here. And you were a leprechaun.

Saint Patrick's Day.

They make me put on costume. For joke.

It was a costume?

You're not a leprechaun?

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

There's no such thing.

MAN: You want some rose?

MIKE: I guess since that guy wasn't a leprechaun,

there really isn't no magic in this world, huh?

I don't know how we're gonna ever break this to the Old Wizard who sent the note.

I don't know how we're ever gonna find the Old Wizard who sent the note.

PIGEON: Well, you know what I don't know?

Is why we're doing any of it. Ever.

Lost ticket pay's max, lords and ladies.

-You're the Old Wizard! -You got my note!

No way! The chances that we run into you, man... Aw, it gots to be magic.

I... I wrote on the note exactly where to find me.

"You can find me in the parking garage of the Camelot Hotel."

Damn.

-Not magic. -(CAR HONKING)

Why... Why don't we go somewhere else and hear this wizard's story?

(GASPING) I know his story.

MIKE: He's not a wizard. He's a professional gambler.

His nickname was the Wizard because of his beard.

They also call him "That ZZ Top Guy,"

but the Wizard was more appropriate, because he was like magic.

How he always seemed to know what card was next.

Hit me.

MIKE: The Wizard got the second greatest hot streak of all time.

The first was by another guy that we're not gonna talk about right now.

Then, out of nowhere, the casino lights shut down.

What are you assholes doing?

MIKE: They said the Wizard was cheating, and banned him forever,

and forced him to pay back his winnings by working here for $5 an hour.

-(CARS HONKING) -How could I possibly know all that?

-It's magic! -No. That was also on the note.

-Flip it open there. -(HONKING CONTINUES)

MARQUESS: Michael, they're honking.

It's like a comic book. It got a bunch of drawings and stuff.

OLD WIZARD: Well, I was worried you might be illiterate.

I wasn't cheating and it wasn't luck.

I felt it. It was magic.

There is no other explanation.

But then they banned me and I haven't felt it since.

Gang, we gotta get the Wizard gambling again to prove, once and for all,

that magic is real!

Well, if he's banned from the casino, how can he gamble again?

I know a game, a little more private.

MARQUESS: Okay, if we're gonna keep talking, we should get out of line.

-The one at the Sahara? -Oh, no, I'm banned from that one.

-The one at Imperial? -MARQUESS: This is just insensitive.

PIGEON: No. A bunch of guys got stabbed at that one.

-(HONKING CONTINUES) -The one at the Mandalay Bay?

PIGEON: There isn't one at Mandalay Bay.

And... stop guessing!

-I could have told you where it was 45 minutes ago. -(HONKING CONTINUES)

Just pay the ticket and pull out of here, and we can come back and talk to this man.

-The one at Camelot? -(HONKING CONTINUES)

-Stop honking! -Mike, Mike, Mike!

-Dad, where are you going? -MARQUESS: It's our fault!

-MARQUESS: This is insanity. -WOMAN: Get your car out of there!

I gotta take him to the hospital!

How was I supposed to know you had to go to the hospital, you idiot?

Why the hell does it take you an hour to get out of the parking garage?

MIKE: Cause I was having a conversation with a wizard!

MARQUESS: Oh, just get back in the car, Michael.

-(WOMAN YELLING) -Michael, just get back in the car!

Hey, Oleg. Got a late add.

What's the buy-in?

PIGEON: A million. Mike'll stake you.

What? I don't have a million dollars.

In fact, I don't even think I can afford to keep solving mysteries, you guys.

Huh. Man, I gotta get a real job.

-Not tonight, you don't. -MARQUESS: What are you talking about?

-YUNG: (GROANING) Oh, God. -MARQUESS: Who is he talking to?

MARQUESS: Who is that?

OLD WIZARD: Is that Robert Redford?

You're in.

How the hell did you do that?

Robert Redford's always hanging out at these hotels

offering people a million dollars to sleep with their wives.

I told him he could sleep with mine.

I think I saw a movie about that one time. It starred Paul Newman.

Wait a minute. You're divorced.

-I told him Yung Hee was my wife. -What?

Yeah, relax, she's 18.

She needs the experience. (CHUCKLING)

Oh, no, I got that fight or flight feeling again and I'm flighty!

MAN: Ow! MIKE: Sorry, sir. Come on, come on.

(BLEEP) it. Excuse me, fight or flight, coming through.

MIKE: Excuse me! Fight or flight is on his way!

(WOMAN SCREAMS)

Excuse me, ma'am. Fight or flight.

Fight or flight!

ROBERT: What? MIKE: Stop abusing kids!

-Dad! -You shouldn't sleep with somebody for money.

He didn't want to sleep with me.

He wants me to come to the Sundance Institute and study filmmaking.

Then why are you wearing that dress?

This is the Sundance Film Institute school uniform.

They used to have those varsity jackets,

but Robert found out the leather sleeves weren't vegan leather,

and so now everyone at Sundance wears this.

Then why would he give the Pigeon a million dollars?

Because there are so few Asian American female directors.

He's desperate for us to have our voices heard.

MIKE: Paul Newman is kind of like an angel, huh?

-YUNG: Robert Redford. -What about him?

Oh, good. The Wizard's still in the game!

MARQUESS: Oh, look at you! That's cute.

-I'm all in. -(CROWD EXCLAIMING)

-(CROWD GASPING) -OLD WIZARD: What?

-(MAN GIGGLING) -I saw your cards!

OLD WIZARD: How could this happen?

Was I always just imagining seeing their cards?

Was I seeing?

Somebody answer me.

Is there really no magic in the world?

(MAN SPUTTERING)

YUNG: What's wrong with him?

-OLD WIZARD: Jesus. -(MAN GURGLING)

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

-(MARQUESS YELPING) -(YUNG SCREAMING)

(MUTTERING IN SPANISH)

(MUTTERING CONTINUES)

-(MARQUESS GASPING) -Soy leprechaun!

I'm a leprechaun.

(LEPRECHAUN GIGGLING)

Do we all have leprechauns inside of us?

Probably.

And that's that magic that we...

That we sense in the world.

And when they rip out of us...

we'll die.

But are we really alive if leprechauns are controlling us?

Well, maybe that's a film you could make at Sundance, Yung Hee.

Explore the question of what it's like for an Asian American woman

to have a leprechaun inside of her.

(PIGEON LAUGHING)

Ah. I'm sorry.

I just... Please, make that film.

Because I think there are a lot of people who want to see what it's like

for an Asian American woman to have a leprechaun inside of her.

(LAUGHING)

(CHUCKLING)

Is this your card?

All right. I told you, magic do exist.