Original subtitles

[ UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS ]

[ PIGEONS COOING ]

>> Mike: AWW, MAN! LOOK AT ALL THESE PIGEONS IN HERE, MAN!

LOOK AT ALL THESE PIGEONS IN HERE, MAN! WE GETTING BEHIND AGAIN.

HERE, MAN! WE GETTING BEHIND AGAIN. OKAY, GUYS, LISTEN UP!

WE GETTING BEHIND AGAIN. OKAY, GUYS, LISTEN UP! [ BOOM! ]

OKAY, GUYS, LISTEN UP! [ BOOM! ] OH! MARQUESS, YOU SCARED THE

[ BOOM! ] OH! MARQUESS, YOU SCARED THE BEJESUS OUTTA ME, MAN!

OH! MARQUESS, YOU SCARED THE BEJESUS OUTTA ME, MAN! WHY YOU GOTTA BE CREEPIN'?

BEJESUS OUTTA ME, MAN! WHY YOU GOTTA BE CREEPIN'? >> Marquess: OH, SORRY.

WHY YOU GOTTA BE CREEPIN'? >> Marquess: OH, SORRY. DID IT DO THAT THING WITH THE

>> Marquess: OH, SORRY. DID IT DO THAT THING WITH THE EXPLOSION AND THE SMOKE AGAIN?

DID IT DO THAT THING WITH THE EXPLOSION AND THE SMOKE AGAIN? I-I SWEAR, I AM NOT DOING IT

EXPLOSION AND THE SMOKE AGAIN? I-I SWEAR, I AM NOT DOING IT INTENTIONALLY.

I-I SWEAR, I AM NOT DOING IT INTENTIONALLY. >> Yung Hee: DAD, WHEN ARE YOU

INTENTIONALLY. >> Yung Hee: DAD, WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO LOOK AT THESE WITH ME?

>> Yung Hee: DAD, WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO LOOK AT THESE WITH ME? >> Mike: LOOK AT WHAT?

GOING TO LOOK AT THESE WITH ME? >> Mike: LOOK AT WHAT? >> Yung Hee: COLLEGE CATALOGS.

>> Mike: LOOK AT WHAT? >> Yung Hee: COLLEGE CATALOGS. I HAVE TO APPLY SOON.

>> Yung Hee: COLLEGE CATALOGS. I HAVE TO APPLY SOON. >> Mike: NOT NOW, BABY.

I HAVE TO APPLY SOON. >> Mike: NOT NOW, BABY. A PIGEON JUST BROUGHT IN A NEW

>> Mike: NOT NOW, BABY. A PIGEON JUST BROUGHT IN A NEW MESSAGE.

A PIGEON JUST BROUGHT IN A NEW MESSAGE. HEY, GUYS!

MESSAGE. HEY, GUYS! EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A MESSAGE

HEY, GUYS! EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A MESSAGE FROM SOMEONE THAT NEEDS OUR HELP

EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A MESSAGE FROM SOMEONE THAT NEEDS OUR HELP SOLVING A MYSTERY.

FROM SOMEONE THAT NEEDS OUR HELP SOLVING A MYSTERY. >> Pigeon: MAYBE, BEFORE WE TAKE

SOLVING A MYSTERY. >> Pigeon: MAYBE, BEFORE WE TAKE ON THE NEXT MYSTERY, WE SOLVE

>> Pigeon: MAYBE, BEFORE WE TAKE ON THE NEXT MYSTERY, WE SOLVE THE MYSTERY OF FIGURING OUT HOW

ON THE NEXT MYSTERY, WE SOLVE THE MYSTERY OF FIGURING OUT HOW TO TURN ME BACK INTO A HUMAN

THE MYSTERY OF FIGURING OUT HOW TO TURN ME BACK INTO A HUMAN BEING.

TO TURN ME BACK INTO A HUMAN BEING. I MEAN, I HAVE AN ACTUAL

BEING. I MEAN, I HAVE AN ACTUAL INTEREST IN SOLVING THAT

I MEAN, I HAVE AN ACTUAL INTEREST IN SOLVING THAT MYSTERY, UNLIKE EVERY OTHER ONE.

INTEREST IN SOLVING THAT MYSTERY, UNLIKE EVERY OTHER ONE. >> Yung Hee: YOU DESERVED TO BE

MYSTERY, UNLIKE EVERY OTHER ONE. >> Yung Hee: YOU DESERVED TO BE TURNED INTO A PIGEON BY YOUR

>> Yung Hee: YOU DESERVED TO BE TURNED INTO A PIGEON BY YOUR WIFE, BECAUSE YOU'RE DISGUSTING.

TURNED INTO A PIGEON BY YOUR WIFE, BECAUSE YOU'RE DISGUSTING. >> Pigeon: EX-WIFE.

WIFE, BECAUSE YOU'RE DISGUSTING. >> Pigeon: EX-WIFE. AND YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING

>> Pigeon: EX-WIFE. AND YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS, YOU LITTLE

AND YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS, YOU LITTLE HOME-SCHOOLED WEIRDO.

ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS, YOU LITTLE HOME-SCHOOLED WEIRDO. >> Yung Hee: WELL, I THINK THE

HOME-SCHOOLED WEIRDO. >> Yung Hee: WELL, I THINK THE MOST OBVIOUS MYSTERY TO SOLVE IS

>> Yung Hee: WELL, I THINK THE MOST OBVIOUS MYSTERY TO SOLVE IS WHO IS MY MOTHER AND WHY DID SHE

MOST OBVIOUS MYSTERY TO SOLVE IS WHO IS MY MOTHER AND WHY DID SHE LEAVE ME ON MIKE TYSON'S

WHO IS MY MOTHER AND WHY DID SHE LEAVE ME ON MIKE TYSON'S DOORSTEP WHEN I WAS A BABY?

LEAVE ME ON MIKE TYSON'S DOORSTEP WHEN I WAS A BABY? >> Pigeon: PROBABLY BECAUSE SHE

DOORSTEP WHEN I WAS A BABY? >> Pigeon: PROBABLY BECAUSE SHE DIDN'T WANT YOU.

>> Pigeon: PROBABLY BECAUSE SHE DIDN'T WANT YOU. THERE. MYSTERY SOLVED.

DIDN'T WANT YOU. THERE. MYSTERY SOLVED. >> Yung Hee: YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE.

THERE. MYSTERY SOLVED. >> Yung Hee: YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE. >> Pigeon: I'M...

>> Yung Hee: YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE. >> Pigeon: I'M... YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE.

>> Pigeon: I'M... YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE. >> Marquess: SHE'S NOT AN

YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE. >> Marquess: SHE'S NOT AN "ASSHOLE."

>> Marquess: SHE'S NOT AN "ASSHOLE." AND THAT'S NOT HOW YOU TALK

"ASSHOLE." AND THAT'S NOT HOW YOU TALK AROUND A YOUNG LADY.

AND THAT'S NOT HOW YOU TALK AROUND A YOUNG LADY. >> Pigeon: WHY ARE YOU STILL

AROUND A YOUNG LADY. >> Pigeon: WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE?

>> Pigeon: WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE? YOU GOT WHAT YOU WANTED.

HERE? YOU GOT WHAT YOU WANTED. HE'S NO FUN, HE DOESN'T PARTY,

YOU GOT WHAT YOU WANTED. HE'S NO FUN, HE DOESN'T PARTY, HE DOESN'T BEAT UP RANDOM

HE'S NO FUN, HE DOESN'T PARTY, HE DOESN'T BEAT UP RANDOM PEOPLE.

HE DOESN'T BEAT UP RANDOM PEOPLE. YOU BASICALLY TURNED HIM INTO

PEOPLE. YOU BASICALLY TURNED HIM INTO YOU, EXCEPT HE'S NOT A CLOSETED

YOU BASICALLY TURNED HIM INTO YOU, EXCEPT HE'S NOT A CLOSETED HOMOSEXUAL.

YOU, EXCEPT HE'S NOT A CLOSETED HOMOSEXUAL. >> Marquess: YOU KNOW WHAT?

HOMOSEXUAL. >> Marquess: YOU KNOW WHAT? [BLEEP] YOU.

>> Marquess: YOU KNOW WHAT? [BLEEP] YOU. >> Mike: THAT'S IT, TEAM.

[BLEEP] YOU. >> Mike: THAT'S IT, TEAM. NOW WE'RE ALL ON THE SAME PAGE!

>> Mike: THAT'S IT, TEAM. NOW WE'RE ALL ON THE SAME PAGE! OKAY, LET'S SEE WHAT MYSTERY WE

NOW WE'RE ALL ON THE SAME PAGE! OKAY, LET'S SEE WHAT MYSTERY WE HAVE TO SOLVE THIS WEEK.

OKAY, LET'S SEE WHAT MYSTERY WE HAVE TO SOLVE THIS WEEK. MAN, THAT'S A LOT OF WORDS!

HAVE TO SOLVE THIS WEEK. MAN, THAT'S A LOT OF WORDS! "THE CEDAR WAS DAMP AND

MAN, THAT'S A LOT OF WORDS! "THE CEDAR WAS DAMP AND WOULDN'T LIGHT.

"THE CEDAR WAS DAMP AND WOULDN'T LIGHT. A COYOTE YAPPED SOMEWHERE IN

WOULDN'T LIGHT. A COYOTE YAPPED SOMEWHERE IN THE ARROYO."

A COYOTE YAPPED SOMEWHERE IN THE ARROYO." OH, MY GOD!

THE ARROYO." OH, MY GOD! IT GOES ON FOREVER LIKE THIS.

OH, MY GOD! IT GOES ON FOREVER LIKE THIS. WHAT THE HELL?

IT GOES ON FOREVER LIKE THIS. WHAT THE HELL? >> Marquess: IT'S FROM

WHAT THE HELL? >> Marquess: IT'S FROM CORMAC McCARTHY.

>> Marquess: IT'S FROM CORMAC McCARTHY. >> Mike: WHO?

CORMAC McCARTHY. >> Mike: WHO? >> Marquess: CORMAC McCARTHY.

>> Mike: WHO? >> Marquess: CORMAC McCARTHY. PULITZER PRIZE WINNER.

>> Marquess: CORMAC McCARTHY. PULITZER PRIZE WINNER. FAMOUSLY RECLUSIVE.

PULITZER PRIZE WINNER. FAMOUSLY RECLUSIVE. >> Mike: WHY IS CARMA McARTHUR A

FAMOUSLY RECLUSIVE. >> Mike: WHY IS CARMA McARTHUR A RECLUSIVE AUTHOR?

>> Mike: WHY IS CARMA McARTHUR A RECLUSIVE AUTHOR? DID HIS FACE BURN OFF IN A FIRE

RECLUSIVE AUTHOR? DID HIS FACE BURN OFF IN A FIRE AND HE HAS A METAL FACE AND

DID HIS FACE BURN OFF IN A FIRE AND HE HAS A METAL FACE AND EVERYONE IS SCARED OF HIS FACE?

AND HE HAS A METAL FACE AND EVERYONE IS SCARED OF HIS FACE? >> Marquess: NO.

EVERYONE IS SCARED OF HIS FACE? >> Marquess: NO. >> Mike: OR MAYBE HE'S REALLY A

>> Marquess: NO. >> Mike: OR MAYBE HE'S REALLY A ROBOT OR A MYTHOLOGICAL

>> Mike: OR MAYBE HE'S REALLY A ROBOT OR A MYTHOLOGICAL CREATURE LIKE A HORSE MAN.

ROBOT OR A MYTHOLOGICAL CREATURE LIKE A HORSE MAN. I BET THAT'S THE MYSTERY.

CREATURE LIKE A HORSE MAN. I BET THAT'S THE MYSTERY. >> Marquess: CORMAC McCARTHY IS

I BET THAT'S THE MYSTERY. >> Marquess: CORMAC McCARTHY IS NOT A CENTAUR.

>> Marquess: CORMAC McCARTHY IS NOT A CENTAUR. THAT IS NOT THE MYSTERY.

NOT A CENTAUR. THAT IS NOT THE MYSTERY. >> Mike: I DIDN'T SAY CENTAUR.

THAT IS NOT THE MYSTERY. >> Mike: I DIDN'T SAY CENTAUR. I SAID HORSE MAN.

>> Mike: I DIDN'T SAY CENTAUR. I SAID HORSE MAN. >> Yung Hee: IT SAYS HE CAN'T

I SAID HORSE MAN. >> Yung Hee: IT SAYS HE CAN'T FIND AN ENDING TO THE BOOK HE'S

>> Yung Hee: IT SAYS HE CAN'T FIND AN ENDING TO THE BOOK HE'S WRITING.

FIND AN ENDING TO THE BOOK HE'S WRITING. >> Pigeon: AND HE THOUGHT HE'D

WRITING. >> Pigeon: AND HE THOUGHT HE'D TURN TO A RETIRED BOXER FOR

>> Pigeon: AND HE THOUGHT HE'D TURN TO A RETIRED BOXER FOR HELP?

TURN TO A RETIRED BOXER FOR HELP? SO THE ACTUAL MYSTERY IS WHEN

HELP? SO THE ACTUAL MYSTERY IS WHEN DID CORMAC McCARTHY LOSE HIS

SO THE ACTUAL MYSTERY IS WHEN DID CORMAC McCARTHY LOSE HIS MIND.

DID CORMAC McCARTHY LOSE HIS MIND. >> Mike: COME ON.

MIND. >> Mike: COME ON. IT'S TIME TO GET INTO THE

>> Mike: COME ON. IT'S TIME TO GET INTO THE MYSTERY MOBILE AND GO HELP

IT'S TIME TO GET INTO THE MYSTERY MOBILE AND GO HELP CORMAC McCARTHY WRITE AN ENDING

MYSTERY MOBILE AND GO HELP CORMAC McCARTHY WRITE AN ENDING TO HIS BOOK!

CORMAC McCARTHY WRITE AN ENDING TO HIS BOOK! >> Pigeon: I CAN'T GO.

TO HIS BOOK! >> Pigeon: I CAN'T GO. I HAVE AN INTERNET WHORE COMING

>> Pigeon: I CAN'T GO. I HAVE AN INTERNET WHORE COMING OVER TONIGHT.

I HAVE AN INTERNET WHORE COMING OVER TONIGHT. >> Yung Hee: UGH!

OVER TONIGHT. >> Yung Hee: UGH! YOU KNOW, THE SECOND THEY SEE

>> Yung Hee: UGH! YOU KNOW, THE SECOND THEY SEE YOU'RE A PIGEON, THEY'RE NOT

YOU KNOW, THE SECOND THEY SEE YOU'RE A PIGEON, THEY'RE NOT GONNA HAVE SEX WITH YOU.

YOU'RE A PIGEON, THEY'RE NOT GONNA HAVE SEX WITH YOU. >> Pigeon: EH, EVERY ONCE IN A

GONNA HAVE SEX WITH YOU. >> Pigeon: EH, EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE THEY DO.

>> Pigeon: EH, EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE THEY DO. >> Mike: GET OFF YOUR ASS,

WHILE THEY DO. >> Mike: GET OFF YOUR ASS, PIGEON!

>> Mike: GET OFF YOUR ASS, PIGEON! JUST LIKE THAT OLD SONG SAYS,

PIGEON! JUST LIKE THAT OLD SONG SAYS, "AIN'T GOT NO TIME FOR BIRD SEX.

JUST LIKE THAT OLD SONG SAYS, "AIN'T GOT NO TIME FOR BIRD SEX. I GOTTA FLY."

"AIN'T GOT NO TIME FOR BIRD SEX. I GOTTA FLY." ♪ AIN'T GOT NO TIME FOR BIRD

I GOTTA FLY." ♪ AIN'T GOT NO TIME FOR BIRD SEX ♪

♪ AIN'T GOT NO TIME FOR BIRD SEX ♪ ♪ I WANNA FLY ♪

SEX ♪ ♪ I WANNA FLY ♪ >> Marquess: OKAY, THAT CAN'T BE

♪ I WANNA FLY ♪ >> Marquess: OKAY, THAT CAN'T BE A SONG.

>> Marquess: OKAY, THAT CAN'T BE A SONG. >> Mike: YEAH, THAT WAS A SONG.

A SONG. >> Mike: YEAH, THAT WAS A SONG. "AIN'T GOT NO TIME FOR BIRD

>> Mike: YEAH, THAT WAS A SONG. "AIN'T GOT NO TIME FOR BIRD SEX," MAN.

"AIN'T GOT NO TIME FOR BIRD SEX," MAN. ♪ YES, DON'T HAVE NO TIME FOR

SEX," MAN. ♪ YES, DON'T HAVE NO TIME FOR BIRD SEX ♪

♪ YES, DON'T HAVE NO TIME FOR BIRD SEX ♪ ♪ JUST TAKE ME ONE MORE TIME,

BIRD SEX ♪ ♪ JUST TAKE ME ONE MORE TIME, GIRL ♪

♪ JUST TAKE ME ONE MORE TIME, GIRL ♪ ♪ I'D RATHER LIE AND DIE, GIRL ♪

GIRL ♪ ♪ I'D RATHER LIE AND DIE, GIRL ♪ ♪ NO MORE TIME FOR BIRD SEX ♪

♪ I'D RATHER LIE AND DIE, GIRL ♪ ♪ NO MORE TIME FOR BIRD SEX ♪ ♪ YEAHHHH ♪

>> Marquess: HMM. HERE'S AN INTERESTING FACT. ALTHOUGH MANY PEOPLE PRONOUNCE

HERE'S AN INTERESTING FACT. ALTHOUGH MANY PEOPLE PRONOUNCE IT "PEW-LITZER," THE CORRECT

ALTHOUGH MANY PEOPLE PRONOUNCE IT "PEW-LITZER," THE CORRECT PRONUNCIATION IS ACTUALLY

IT "PEW-LITZER," THE CORRECT PRONUNCIATION IS ACTUALLY "PULL-ITZER."

PRONUNCIATION IS ACTUALLY "PULL-ITZER." >> Pigeon: YOU REALLY THINK

"PULL-ITZER." >> Pigeon: YOU REALLY THINK THAT'S AN INTERESTING FACT?

>> Pigeon: YOU REALLY THINK THAT'S AN INTERESTING FACT? REALLY?

THAT'S AN INTERESTING FACT? REALLY? LIKE, YOU REALLY THINK THAT'S

REALLY? LIKE, YOU REALLY THINK THAT'S INTERESTING?

LIKE, YOU REALLY THINK THAT'S INTERESTING? BECAUSE THE FACT THAT YOU REALLY

INTERESTING? BECAUSE THE FACT THAT YOU REALLY THINK THAT'S INTERESTING IS THE

BECAUSE THE FACT THAT YOU REALLY THINK THAT'S INTERESTING IS THE INTERESTING FACT.

THINK THAT'S INTERESTING IS THE INTERESTING FACT. [ FOOTSTEPS APPROACH ]

INTERESTING FACT. [ FOOTSTEPS APPROACH ] WHOA, COWBOY!

[ FOOTSTEPS APPROACH ] WHOA, COWBOY! >> Marquess: MY GOD, WHAT ARE

WHOA, COWBOY! >> Marquess: MY GOD, WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?

>> Marquess: MY GOD, WHAT ARE YOU WEARING? >> Mike: WHY, THE MAN WRITES

YOU WEARING? >> Mike: WHY, THE MAN WRITES ABOUT COWBOYS AND SHIT.

>> Mike: WHY, THE MAN WRITES ABOUT COWBOYS AND SHIT. >> Yung Hee: CAN WE PLEASE LOOK

ABOUT COWBOYS AND SHIT. >> Yung Hee: CAN WE PLEASE LOOK AT THESE?

>> Yung Hee: CAN WE PLEASE LOOK AT THESE? >> Mike: IS THAT THE BOOK WE'RE

AT THESE? >> Mike: IS THAT THE BOOK WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE PUTTING AN

>> Mike: IS THAT THE BOOK WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE PUTTING AN ENDING ON?

SUPPOSED TO BE PUTTING AN ENDING ON? >> Yung Hee: NO, THEY'RE COLLEGE

ENDING ON? >> Yung Hee: NO, THEY'RE COLLEGE CATALOGS.

>> Yung Hee: NO, THEY'RE COLLEGE CATALOGS. YOU SAID YOU'D LOOK AT THEM

CATALOGS. YOU SAID YOU'D LOOK AT THEM WITH ME.

YOU SAID YOU'D LOOK AT THEM WITH ME. >> Mike: NOT NOW!

WITH ME. >> Mike: NOT NOW! WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF A DAMN

>> Mike: NOT NOW! WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF A DAMN MYSTERY, AND I DON'T KNOW HOW I

WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF A DAMN MYSTERY, AND I DON'T KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT YOU GOING AWAY TO

MYSTERY, AND I DON'T KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT YOU GOING AWAY TO COLLEGE!

FEEL ABOUT YOU GOING AWAY TO COLLEGE! >> Yung Hee: WELL, WE HAVE TO

COLLEGE! >> Yung Hee: WELL, WE HAVE TO TALK ABOUT IT AT SOME POINT.

>> Yung Hee: WELL, WE HAVE TO TALK ABOUT IT AT SOME POINT. I'M 18!

TALK ABOUT IT AT SOME POINT. I'M 18! >> Mike: 18?

I'M 18! >> Mike: 18? WHERE DID THE TIME GO?

>> Mike: 18? WHERE DID THE TIME GO? I REMEMBER IT LIKE IT WAS

WHERE DID THE TIME GO? I REMEMBER IT LIKE IT WAS YESTERDAY...

I REMEMBER IT LIKE IT WAS YESTERDAY... YOU WERE JUST A LITTLE BABY BUT

YESTERDAY... YOU WERE JUST A LITTLE BABY BUT YOU TOLD ME, "STOP LIVING FOR

YOU WERE JUST A LITTLE BABY BUT YOU TOLD ME, "STOP LIVING FOR YOURSELF."

YOU TOLD ME, "STOP LIVING FOR YOURSELF." >> Marquess: UM, OKAY, I, UH, I

YOURSELF." >> Marquess: UM, OKAY, I, UH, I HATE TO BE A BITCH BUT, UM...

>> Marquess: UM, OKAY, I, UH, I HATE TO BE A BITCH BUT, UM... BABIES CAN'T TALK.

HATE TO BE A BITCH BUT, UM... BABIES CAN'T TALK. WE -- WE KNOW THAT, RIGHT?

BABIES CAN'T TALK. WE -- WE KNOW THAT, RIGHT? SO, JUST SO WE'RE CLEAR, I WAS

WE -- WE KNOW THAT, RIGHT? SO, JUST SO WE'RE CLEAR, I WAS THE ONE WHO TOLD YOU TO STOP

SO, JUST SO WE'RE CLEAR, I WAS THE ONE WHO TOLD YOU TO STOP LIVING FOR YOURSELF.

THE ONE WHO TOLD YOU TO STOP LIVING FOR YOURSELF. THAT'S ALL.

LIVING FOR YOURSELF. THAT'S ALL. >> Pigeon: OH.

THAT'S ALL. >> Pigeon: OH. THAT'S GROSS THAT YOU FELT YOU

>> Pigeon: OH. THAT'S GROSS THAT YOU FELT YOU HAD TO SAY THAT.

THAT'S GROSS THAT YOU FELT YOU HAD TO SAY THAT. >> AH, SEÑOR TYSON!

HAD TO SAY THAT. >> AH, SEÑOR TYSON! >> Mike: HEY, GORTOG McCRAPPY,

>> AH, SEÑOR TYSON! >> Mike: HEY, GORTOG McCRAPPY, GREAT MEETING YOU.

>> Mike: HEY, GORTOG McCRAPPY, GREAT MEETING YOU. >> OH, NO, I'M RAFAEL.

GREAT MEETING YOU. >> OH, NO, I'M RAFAEL. I WORK FOR MR. McCARTHY.

>> OH, NO, I'M RAFAEL. I WORK FOR MR. McCARTHY. AND I'M AFRAID HE CAN'T JOIN

I WORK FOR MR. McCARTHY. AND I'M AFRAID HE CAN'T JOIN YOU THIS EVENING.

AND I'M AFRAID HE CAN'T JOIN YOU THIS EVENING. IT'S THE WRITER'S BLOCK.

YOU THIS EVENING. IT'S THE WRITER'S BLOCK. HE HAS NEVER HAD IT LIKE THIS.

IT'S THE WRITER'S BLOCK. HE HAS NEVER HAD IT LIKE THIS. THESE ARE COPIES OF HIS NEW

HE HAS NEVER HAD IT LIKE THIS. THESE ARE COPIES OF HIS NEW BOOK.

THESE ARE COPIES OF HIS NEW BOOK. I BEG OF YOU.

BOOK. I BEG OF YOU. HELP HIM FIND AN ENDING.

I BEG OF YOU. HELP HIM FIND AN ENDING. NOW I MUST LEAVE YOU FOR THERE'S

HELP HIM FIND AN ENDING. NOW I MUST LEAVE YOU FOR THERE'S A CHUPACABRA MOON OUT TONIGHT.

NOW I MUST LEAVE YOU FOR THERE'S A CHUPACABRA MOON OUT TONIGHT. >> Mike: A CAPACHAPA MOON?

A CHUPACABRA MOON OUT TONIGHT. >> Mike: A CAPACHAPA MOON? >> CHUPACABRA.

>> Mike: A CAPACHAPA MOON? >> CHUPACABRA. GOAT SUCKER.

>> CHUPACABRA. GOAT SUCKER. BUT IT WOULD LOVE NOTHING MORE

GOAT SUCKER. BUT IT WOULD LOVE NOTHING MORE THAN TO SUCK ON MR. McCARTHY'S

BUT IT WOULD LOVE NOTHING MORE THAN TO SUCK ON MR. McCARTHY'S HORSES, ALL HIS PRETTY HORSES.

THAN TO SUCK ON MR. McCARTHY'S HORSES, ALL HIS PRETTY HORSES. >> Pigeon: [ GASPS ]

HORSES, ALL HIS PRETTY HORSES. >> Pigeon: [ GASPS ] OH, MY GOD.

>> Pigeon: [ GASPS ] OH, MY GOD. >> Marquess: WHAT?

OH, MY GOD. >> Marquess: WHAT? >> Pigeon: SHE LOOKS EXACTLY

>> Marquess: WHAT? >> Pigeon: SHE LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE MY EX-WIFE.

>> Pigeon: SHE LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE MY EX-WIFE. OH, GOD, SANDRA!

LIKE MY EX-WIFE. OH, GOD, SANDRA! [ SIGHS ]

OH, GOD, SANDRA! [ SIGHS ] [ GRUNTS ]

[ SIGHS ] [ GRUNTS ] >> Marquess: PIGEON! WHAT --

[ GRUNTS ] >> Marquess: PIGEON! WHAT -- [ GASPS ] OH!

>> Marquess: PIGEON! WHAT -- [ GASPS ] OH! >> Yung Hee: OH!

[ GASPS ] OH! >> Yung Hee: OH! >> Marquess: SOMEONE! OH!

>> Yung Hee: OH! >> Marquess: SOMEONE! OH! OH! OHH!

>> Marquess: SOMEONE! OH! OH! OHH! OH, PIGEON!

OH! OHH! OH, PIGEON! >> Pigeon: SO, WOULD YOU SAY THE

OH, PIGEON! >> Pigeon: SO, WOULD YOU SAY THE "PEW-LITZER" MELTED IN THE FIRE

>> Pigeon: SO, WOULD YOU SAY THE "PEW-LITZER" MELTED IN THE FIRE OR WOULD YOU SAY THE

"PEW-LITZER" MELTED IN THE FIRE OR WOULD YOU SAY THE "PULL-ITZER" MELTED IN THE FIRE?

I'M LOOKING FOR ONE GOOD SEX SCENE TO JACK OFF TO BEFORE I GO TO SLEEP.

SCENE TO JACK OFF TO BEFORE I GO TO SLEEP. BUT IT'S NOTHING BUT COWBOYS

TO SLEEP. BUT IT'S NOTHING BUT COWBOYS TALKIN' TO OTHER COWBOYS!

BUT IT'S NOTHING BUT COWBOYS TALKIN' TO OTHER COWBOYS! McCARTHY'S A PRUDE.

TALKIN' TO OTHER COWBOYS! McCARTHY'S A PRUDE. HE'S NO UPDIKE.

McCARTHY'S A PRUDE. HE'S NO UPDIKE. I LIKE THOSE JOHN UPDIKE WOMEN,

HE'S NO UPDIKE. I LIKE THOSE JOHN UPDIKE WOMEN, THOSE MIDDLE-AGED, TAN GALS.

I LIKE THOSE JOHN UPDIKE WOMEN, THOSE MIDDLE-AGED, TAN GALS. >> Mike: [ SIGHS ]

THOSE MIDDLE-AGED, TAN GALS. >> Mike: [ SIGHS ] WHY DOES SHE HAVE TO GO TO

>> Mike: [ SIGHS ] WHY DOES SHE HAVE TO GO TO COLLEGE?

WHY DOES SHE HAVE TO GO TO COLLEGE? I NEVER WENT TO COLLEGE, AND NOW

COLLEGE? I NEVER WENT TO COLLEGE, AND NOW I'M ABOUT TO HELP A

I NEVER WENT TO COLLEGE, AND NOW I'M ABOUT TO HELP A PULITZER PRIZE-WINNING NOVELIST

I'M ABOUT TO HELP A PULITZER PRIZE-WINNING NOVELIST WRITE A BOOK.

PULITZER PRIZE-WINNING NOVELIST WRITE A BOOK. HOW IS IT?

WRITE A BOOK. HOW IS IT? >> Pigeon: IT SUCKS.

HOW IS IT? >> Pigeon: IT SUCKS. >> Marquess: [ SIGHS ]

>> Pigeon: IT SUCKS. >> Marquess: [ SIGHS ] NO. I-IT'S FINE.

>> Marquess: [ SIGHS ] NO. I-IT'S FINE. IT'S JUST, UM...

NO. I-IT'S FINE. IT'S JUST, UM... THERE ARE NO QUOTE MARKS, SO I

IT'S JUST, UM... THERE ARE NO QUOTE MARKS, SO I JUST HAVE TO KEEP RE-READING

THERE ARE NO QUOTE MARKS, SO I JUST HAVE TO KEEP RE-READING SECTIONS BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW

JUST HAVE TO KEEP RE-READING SECTIONS BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHO'S TALKING.

SECTIONS BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHO'S TALKING. [ MAN SCREAMS ]

WHO'S TALKING. [ MAN SCREAMS ] >> OHH.

[ MAN SCREAMS ] >> OHH. IT'S THE CHUPACABRA!

>> OHH. IT'S THE CHUPACABRA! I-IT BIT ME WITH ITS MOUTH!

IT'S THE CHUPACABRA! I-IT BIT ME WITH ITS MOUTH! AY!

I-IT BIT ME WITH ITS MOUTH! AY! [ GROANING ]

AY! [ GROANING ] >> Yung Hee: OH, NO!

[ GROANING ] >> Yung Hee: OH, NO! >> OHH!

>> Yung Hee: OH, NO! >> OHH! >> Marquess: MICHAEL, WHY ARE

>> OHH! >> Marquess: MICHAEL, WHY ARE YOU SMILING?

>> Marquess: MICHAEL, WHY ARE YOU SMILING? >> Mike: BECAUSE NOW I KNOW WHAT

YOU SMILING? >> Mike: BECAUSE NOW I KNOW WHAT I HAVE TO DO.

>> Mike: BECAUSE NOW I KNOW WHAT I HAVE TO DO. I'M GONNA USE MY HEART TO HELP

I HAVE TO DO. I'M GONNA USE MY HEART TO HELP CROMAC FIND HIS ENDING.

I'M GONNA USE MY HEART TO HELP CROMAC FIND HIS ENDING. BUT I'M GONNA USE MY FISTS TO

CROMAC FIND HIS ENDING. BUT I'M GONNA USE MY FISTS TO BEAT THE [BLEEP] OUT OF A

BUT I'M GONNA USE MY FISTS TO BEAT THE [BLEEP] OUT OF A CHUPACARMA, THE ONLY THING I

BEAT THE [BLEEP] OUT OF A CHUPACARMA, THE ONLY THING I HAVE NEVER BEATEN THE [BLEEP]

CHUPACARMA, THE ONLY THING I HAVE NEVER BEATEN THE [BLEEP] OUT OF YET.

HAVE NEVER BEATEN THE [BLEEP] OUT OF YET. >> Yung Hee: DAD!

OUT OF YET. >> Yung Hee: DAD! >> Pigeon: "CHUPACABRA" IS A

>> Yung Hee: DAD! >> Pigeon: "CHUPACABRA" IS A REALLY TOUGH WORD FOR HIM.

>> Mike: [ PANTING ] OH, MAN, OH, MAN. IT'S SO [BLEEP] DARK!

OH, MAN, OH, MAN. IT'S SO [BLEEP] DARK! I CAN'T SEE MY HAND IN FRONT OF

IT'S SO [BLEEP] DARK! I CAN'T SEE MY HAND IN FRONT OF MY FACE!

I CAN'T SEE MY HAND IN FRONT OF MY FACE! OHH!

MY FACE! OHH! OH, MAN, IT'S NEVER BEEN THIS

OHH! OH, MAN, IT'S NEVER BEEN THIS DARK!

OH, MAN, IT'S NEVER BEEN THIS DARK! OH SH-- OH, SH-- OHH.

DARK! OH SH-- OH, SH-- OHH. OH, NO. WHAT IF I WENT BLIND?

OH SH-- OH, SH-- OHH. OH, NO. WHAT IF I WENT BLIND? I CAN'T FACE LIFE IF I'M BLIND!

OH, NO. WHAT IF I WENT BLIND? I CAN'T FACE LIFE IF I'M BLIND! OH, YEAH!

I CAN'T FACE LIFE IF I'M BLIND! OH, YEAH! I'LL RELY ON MY OTHER SENSES!

OH, YEAH! I'LL RELY ON MY OTHER SENSES! I'LL RELY ON MY SENSE OF HUMOR!

I'LL RELY ON MY OTHER SENSES! I'LL RELY ON MY SENSE OF HUMOR! I'LL SAY SHIT LIKE, "SO WHAT IF

I'LL RELY ON MY SENSE OF HUMOR! I'LL SAY SHIT LIKE, "SO WHAT IF I'M BLIND?"

I'LL SAY SHIT LIKE, "SO WHAT IF I'M BLIND?" AT LEAST I DON'T HAVE TO LOOK AT

I'M BLIND?" AT LEAST I DON'T HAVE TO LOOK AT YOUR UGLY FACE!"

AT LEAST I DON'T HAVE TO LOOK AT YOUR UGLY FACE!" [ LAUGHS ]

YOUR UGLY FACE!" [ LAUGHS ] >> Yung Hee: [ SCREAMS ]

[ LAUGHS ] >> Yung Hee: [ SCREAMS ] >> Mike: [ GASPS ]

>> Yung Hee: [ SCREAMS ] >> Mike: [ GASPS ] [ HORSES NEIGH ]

>> Mike: [ GASPS ] [ HORSES NEIGH ] >> Yung Hee: DAD!

[ HORSES NEIGH ] >> Yung Hee: DAD! [ CHUPACABRA GROWLS ]

>> Yung Hee: DAD! [ CHUPACABRA GROWLS ] [ HORSES NEIGH ]

[ CHUPACABRA GROWLS ] [ HORSES NEIGH ] >> Mike: HEY, CHIMIMONGA!

[ HORSES NEIGH ] >> Mike: HEY, CHIMIMONGA! [ CHUPACABRA GROWLS ]

>> Mike: HEY, CHIMIMONGA! [ CHUPACABRA GROWLS ] [ DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS ]

[ CHUPACABRA GROANING ] >> Yung Hee: YOU SAVED MY LIFE. >> Mike: NO, HONEY.

>> Yung Hee: YOU SAVED MY LIFE. >> Mike: NO, HONEY. IT WAS YOU THAT SAVED MINE.

>> Mike: NO, HONEY. IT WAS YOU THAT SAVED MINE. REMEMBER, WHEN YOU WERE A

IT WAS YOU THAT SAVED MINE. REMEMBER, WHEN YOU WERE A TALKING BABY AND YOU TOLD ME TO

REMEMBER, WHEN YOU WERE A TALKING BABY AND YOU TOLD ME TO STOP LIVING FOR MYSELF?

TALKING BABY AND YOU TOLD ME TO STOP LIVING FOR MYSELF? >> Marquess: UNBELIEVABLE.

STOP LIVING FOR MYSELF? >> Marquess: UNBELIEVABLE. [ CHUPACABRA GROWLS ]

>> Marquess: UNBELIEVABLE. [ CHUPACABRA GROWLS ] [ ALL SCREAM ]

[ CHUPACABRA GROWLS ] [ ALL SCREAM ] [ HORSE NEIGHS ]

>> HI, MIKE. I'M CORMAC McCARTHY. >> Marquess: MY GOD.

I'M CORMAC McCARTHY. >> Marquess: MY GOD. HE IS A CENTAUR.

>> Marquess: MY GOD. HE IS A CENTAUR. >> Mike: MARQUESS, I TOLD YOU

HE IS A CENTAUR. >> Mike: MARQUESS, I TOLD YOU THAT WAS THE MYSTERY, MAN.

>> Mike: MARQUESS, I TOLD YOU THAT WAS THE MYSTERY, MAN. WHY THE HELL YOU NEVER LISTEN

THAT WAS THE MYSTERY, MAN. WHY THE HELL YOU NEVER LISTEN TO ME?

WHY THE HELL YOU NEVER LISTEN TO ME? >> Pigeon: WHOA!

TO ME? >> Pigeon: WHOA! YOU KNOW WHO THAT LOOKS LIKE?

>> Pigeon: WHOA! YOU KNOW WHO THAT LOOKS LIKE? JOHN UPDIKE.

YOU KNOW WHO THAT LOOKS LIKE? JOHN UPDIKE. >> HEH. THAT IS JOHN UPDIKE.

JOHN UPDIKE. >> HEH. THAT IS JOHN UPDIKE. EVERYONE THOUGHT HE DIED A LONG

>> HEH. THAT IS JOHN UPDIKE. EVERYONE THOUGHT HE DIED A LONG TIME AGO, BUT HE MUST'VE JUST

EVERYONE THOUGHT HE DIED A LONG TIME AGO, BUT HE MUST'VE JUST TRANSFORMED INTO A CHUPACABRA.

TIME AGO, BUT HE MUST'VE JUST TRANSFORMED INTO A CHUPACABRA. >> Mike: HEY, DUDE, HOW ABOUT

TRANSFORMED INTO A CHUPACABRA. >> Mike: HEY, DUDE, HOW ABOUT LET'S GO AND FINISH THAT NOVEL

>> Mike: HEY, DUDE, HOW ABOUT LET'S GO AND FINISH THAT NOVEL OF YOURS?

LET'S GO AND FINISH THAT NOVEL OF YOURS? I THINK I GOT A PRETTY IDEA OF

OF YOURS? I THINK I GOT A PRETTY IDEA OF AN ENDING FOR YA.

I THINK I GOT A PRETTY IDEA OF AN ENDING FOR YA. >> WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

AN ENDING FOR YA. >> WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? I TURNED MY NOVEL IN TO MY

>> WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? I TURNED MY NOVEL IN TO MY PUBLISHER A WEEK AGO.

I TURNED MY NOVEL IN TO MY PUBLISHER A WEEK AGO. >> Mike: THEN WHO SENT THE NOTE?

PUBLISHER A WEEK AGO. >> Mike: THEN WHO SENT THE NOTE? >> I SENT THE NOTE, PRETENDING

>> Mike: THEN WHO SENT THE NOTE? >> I SENT THE NOTE, PRETENDING AS THOUGH IT WAS FROM

>> I SENT THE NOTE, PRETENDING AS THOUGH IT WAS FROM MR. McCARTHY.

AS THOUGH IT WAS FROM MR. McCARTHY. >> RAFAEL, WH-- YOU'VE DIED?

MR. McCARTHY. >> RAFAEL, WH-- YOU'VE DIED? >> I WANTED TO SEE IF I COULD

>> RAFAEL, WH-- YOU'VE DIED? >> I WANTED TO SEE IF I COULD SUCCESSFULLY WRITE IN HIS STYLE

>> I WANTED TO SEE IF I COULD SUCCESSFULLY WRITE IN HIS STYLE AFTER THESE MANY YEARS WORKING

SUCCESSFULLY WRITE IN HIS STYLE AFTER THESE MANY YEARS WORKING FOR HIM ON THE RANCH.

AFTER THESE MANY YEARS WORKING FOR HIM ON THE RANCH. AND OBVIOUSLY I CAN, SO THIS IS

FOR HIM ON THE RANCH. AND OBVIOUSLY I CAN, SO THIS IS THE HAPPIEST DAY OF MY LIFE.

AND OBVIOUSLY I CAN, SO THIS IS THE HAPPIEST DAY OF MY LIFE. TIME FOR A FIESTA!

THE HAPPIEST DAY OF MY LIFE. TIME FOR A FIESTA! [ SPEAKING SPANISH ]

TIME FOR A FIESTA! [ SPEAKING SPANISH ] >> Yung Hee: DOES HE KNOW HE

[ SPEAKING SPANISH ] >> Yung Hee: DOES HE KNOW HE DIED?

>> Yung Hee: DOES HE KNOW HE DIED? >> Marquess: IT TAKES SOME

DIED? >> Marquess: IT TAKES SOME PEOPLE A WHILE.

>> Marquess: IT TAKES SOME PEOPLE A WHILE. >> Pigeon: YOU KNOW, YOU COULD

PEOPLE A WHILE. >> Pigeon: YOU KNOW, YOU COULD LEARN A THING OR TWO FROM UPDIKE

>> Pigeon: YOU KNOW, YOU COULD LEARN A THING OR TWO FROM UPDIKE HERE.

LEARN A THING OR TWO FROM UPDIKE HERE. >> LIKE WHAT?

HERE. >> LIKE WHAT? >> Marquess: UH, QUOTATION

>> LIKE WHAT? >> Marquess: UH, QUOTATION MARKS?

>> Marquess: UH, QUOTATION MARKS? >> Pigeon: NO SEX.

MARKS? >> Pigeon: NO SEX. YOU GOTTA GET SOME SEX IN THERE.

>> Pigeon: NO SEX. YOU GOTTA GET SOME SEX IN THERE. >> BIRD SEX, HUH?

YOU GOTTA GET SOME SEX IN THERE. >> BIRD SEX, HUH? >> Pigeon: NO, NOT BIRD SEX.

>> BIRD SEX, HUH? >> Pigeon: NO, NOT BIRD SEX. I DON'T WANT TO -- I DON'T WANT

>> Pigeon: NO, NOT BIRD SEX. I DON'T WANT TO -- I DON'T WANT TO READ ABOUT BIRD SEX.

I DON'T WANT TO -- I DON'T WANT TO READ ABOUT BIRD SEX. I'M A MAN.

TO READ ABOUT BIRD SEX. I'M A MAN. >> BIRD SEX.

I'M A MAN. >> BIRD SEX. THAT REMINDS ME OF THAT OLD

>> BIRD SEX. THAT REMINDS ME OF THAT OLD SONG.

THAT REMINDS ME OF THAT OLD SONG. >> Mike: GIDDYUP,

SONG. >> Mike: GIDDYUP, CARMAC McCONAGHEY.

>> Mike: GIDDYUP, CARMAC McCONAGHEY. >> ♪ AIN'T GOT NO TIME FOR BIRD

CARMAC McCONAGHEY. >> ♪ AIN'T GOT NO TIME FOR BIRD SEX ♪

>> ♪ AIN'T GOT NO TIME FOR BIRD SEX ♪ ♪ I WANNA FLY ♪

SEX ♪ ♪ I WANNA FLY ♪ ♪ AIN'T GOT NO TIME FOR BIRD

♪ I WANNA FLY ♪ ♪ AIN'T GOT NO TIME FOR BIRD SEX ♪

♪ AIN'T GOT NO TIME FOR BIRD SEX ♪ ♪ I'M GONNA FLY ♪

SEX ♪ ♪ I'M GONNA FLY ♪ ♪ AIN'T GOT NO TIME FOR BIRD

♪ I'M GONNA FLY ♪ ♪ AIN'T GOT NO TIME FOR BIRD SEX ♪

♪ I'M GONNA FLY ♪ >> Mike: ♪ AIN'T GOT NO TIME FOR

>> Mike: ♪ AIN'T GOT NO TIME FOR BIRD SEX, OOH ♪

BIRD SEX, OOH ♪ ♪ I'M KISSIN' THE SKY ♪

♪ I'M KISSIN' THE SKY ♪ ♪ WHOO-WHOO-WHOO ♪