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MAN: Señoras y señores,

con todos vosotros,

Jim Gaffigan!

(cheers, applause)

Gracias! Gracias!

Gracias!

Vamos a la playa.

(laughter)

En el nombre a padre, el hijo, el spritu sancto.

(laughter)

That's all the Spanish I know.

Uh, it is great to be here in Barcelona,

thank you for coming out.

(cheers, applause)

I have had so much fun here in Spain.

I love Spain, or as the Spanish call it,

España.

I think it's strange that we call your country

a different name than you use.

That seems rude.

I come from España.

Uh, Spain, huh?

(laughter)

It is España.

I like Spain better.

You wouldn't do that to another person.

Hey, my name is Bob.

Nice to meet you, Sam.

(laughter)

I just said my name is Bob. You look more like a Sam to me.

Sammy!

(laughter)

And it's not just España.

It's-- It's got that eyebrow over the N.

(laughter)

España.

And I asked, I was like, what's that eyebrow,

and they're, like, that's Enya.

I'm like, the Irish singer?

(laughter)

I guess I've never really seen a photo of her.

(laughter)

♪ Sail away, sail away ♪

♪ Sail a-- ♪

Barcelona, part of Catalonia.

I knew about the regions of Spain,

I-- I didn't know that there were so many of them.

I got 17 autonomous regions.

Now, I don't know how many autonomous regions is a lot,

but... 17 feels like too many.

(laughter)

It's, like, are you guys gettin' a divorce or something?

(laughter)

Your mother and I have agreed to see other autonomous regions.

(laughter)

Seventeen?

Wait, do some of these regions even know they're part of Spain?

We haven't told them yet.

We want it to be a surprise.

The Spanish, of course, had this great empire, right?

Right-- Right near in Barcelona is where Columbus left.

Right? The Columbus, uh, you know,

made a deal with King Ferdinand and Queen Isabella,

he was, like, I'm gonna find a shorter way to India,

and he got lost,

and he found the western hemisphere,

so he's a hero.

(laughter)

And they gave him a statue

where he's pointing the wrong way.

(laughter)

(applause)

As a result, the Spanish colonized half of

the western hemisphere, right?

They went there and they found all the gold

and they brought it back,

which brings up the question,

what'd you guys do with all the gold?

(laughter)

'Cause, uh, I've been all around Spain.

I don't see any gold.

I don't even see things you could buy with gold.

What happened to the gold?

I wanna know.

I love the Spanish, they're very warm and friendly,

they're very tactile, they're always touching you

when they talk to you.

It feels like a pre-assault situation.

(laughter)

How are you? I'm married. I'm married.

(laughter)

You Americans are so uptight.

I feel like such a prude here.

Like, if I ask for directions,

and while you give me those directions,

you feel the need to touch me a couple times,

I assume you're a prostitute.

(laughter)

Yes.

You'd think with so many autonomous regions

that you guys would understand boundaries.

(laughter)

How about you think of me as an autonomous region

and not grope me?

Spain is home of the siesta.

The siesta-- and I'm a nap taker,

so I, uh-- I have always felt shame about napping,

I'm like, ah, I'm lazy.

But now I realize I'm Spanish.

(laughter)

Olé.

(applause)

I wish-- I wish I was Spanish, right?

'Cause then I would have, like, one of those long last names,

you know, where it's like a combination of

the mother and the father's last name,

so my name would be Jim Gaffigan Gaffigan.

(laughter)

This man is an idiot.

He is not a-- (chuckles)

The siesta.

The siesta-- Of course, it's not-- no longer practical,

but I do admire how the-- the Spanish still have pride in the siesta.

The siesta, we came up with that,

that was our idea.

To do nothing.

(laughter)

That is our thing.

Traditionally, it's from 2 to 5 p.m., right?

Seems like the idea of someone who has a massive hangover

said, hey, guys,

you know that time, like, from lunch to dinner?

(laughter)

Um...

what if we took a nap?

(laughter)

What if we took some aspirin and napped?

We could do that.

Course, there-- there are benefits

of a siesta, right?

People are more alert, it improves your memory,

you get a couple hours where you're not groped.

-Uh-- -(laughter)

I think it-- I think it's interesting how the Spanish,

you guys defend the siesta,

like, there's a justification.

They're, like, well, the siesta,

lunch is the most important meal,

I'm, like, it shouldn't take three hours.

(laughter)

(chuckles) You know?

That is the hottest part of the day.

I'm like, well, there is air conditioning.

I mean, just not in Spain, but there is air conditioning.

I've been in Spain in July, and I feel like you guys

are undecided about air conditioning.

You're like, well, do we need air conditioning?

I mean, the roads are melting but do we need it?

(laughter)

Eh, we'll deal with that mañana.

You know, we don't need to figure that out right now.

This guy's a jerk.

(laughter)

I don't know.

It's supposed to be a-- a short nap, right?

It's supposed to be just 20 minutes.

Short nap, everything's small here.

Small nap, small food, small cars.

You guys can't commit to anything.

(laughter)

But I love Spain. It's a--

It's a little louder here.

Little noisier.

It's very loud.

And I-- And I'm an American.

I come from New York City.

I have five young children, and it's quieter there.

It's like I don't know if this entire country is filled with deaf people,

but I see you sit across from each other

and yell at each other.

I'm like, settle down, everyone.

Settle down.

Apparently, because of the noise,

uh, the news that smoking is bad for you hasn't come up here.

(laughter)

Uh, maybe someone should yell that out.

I feel like you guys are smoking

like it's actually good for you,

-you're like-- -(laughter)

Yeah, you work out, I'm smokin'.

Woo-woo!

Nailin' it.

(laughter)

Speaking of, uh, loud noises, I, uh, went to--

I saw flamenco.

Flamenco, which was-- it was so impressive,

and I tell ya, after like 10 minutes,

I was like, uh, I've seen enough. Uh--

(laughter)

It was-- It was truly impressive.

It was very impressive.

And it's-- But, you know, there's all the clapping,

and the stomping, and the-- and the snapping.

It's like-- It's like a competition who can make the most noise.

-It's like, what about this? -(laughter)

What if I did this? I wouldn't even have to open my mouth.

(laughter)

It's very sensual, flamenco. Halfway through the show,

I got pregnant. I was--

(laughter)

No smiling, though, right?

Always-- (groaning)

(laughter)

It's like, all I can think is they were like, my feet hurt.

My feet really hurt from that.

Flamenco.

So different from fado, the Portuguese fado.

I love talking about Portugal in Spain

'cause the Spanish are always like,

where's that?

(laughter)

It's next door.

Is that one of the autonomous regions?

No, it's not.

It's a whole other country.

But fado is different, you know, like,

flamenco is-- is energetic and-- and loud,

and-- and almost angry,

whereas fado is sad and melancholic.

Sad, it's very fado, which means fate.

It's like-- And the Portuguese love it,

it's like a whole country that's really into the band The Cure.

(laughter)

They love it.

Fado. Fado, which means fate.

Fado, it sounds like a guy,

it's like, I saw Fado.

He seems depressed.

(laughter)

He was saudade, which means longing

but sounds like, uh,

how a drunk person would say so sad.

(slurring) I saw Fado, he was saudade.

(laughter)

Very saudade.

Yeah, son, that doesn't make sense.

(laughter)

But it's interesting, similar to flamenco,

there's, like, dinner theaters of fado.

I don't know how that would even start.

It was like, hey, Grandma, you know that song about Grandpa drowning?

-Um... -(laughter)

What if we sing it at the restaurant?

(laughter)

'Cause, you know, when you eat...

you want a sad song.

Have you decided? Yeah, I'm gonna have the cod,

and, uh, can I have the song about missing Lisbon?

Uh, that sounds great.

Valencia, I started my tour in Valencia,

and, uh, I had paella in Valencia.

Well, I ordered it, it never showed up.

-Um-- -(laughter)

-You know? -(applause)

How long are you supposed to wait for food--

(laughter)

In Spain?

Like, do Spanish waiters think people in restaurants

don't want to be bothered?

It was, like, it took two hours

for the paella in Valencia.

To be fair, you know, they probably had to grow the rice.

And then they had to cook it on that pan

the size of a manhole cover.

(laughter)

Does the paella pan have to be that big?

Here's you paella, it's bigger than your table.

(laughter)

I don't know.

Valencia, they're very purist about their paella.

Very pure. That is not paella.

That is not paella.

And wherever you go to eat paella

is the wrong place.

I would never go there.

(laughter)

I would never go there.

And you're like, have you been there?

No, I've never been there.

(laughter)

You have to eat paella at lunch, too, right?

Like, if you'd eat it at dinner,

that is not paella.

(laughter)

Paella is only at lunch.

This guy's impression of Valencians is way off.

(laughter)

There a-- the, uh--

There's some debate about the origins of paella, right?

Some people think it's from Catalonia,

and some people think it's from Valencia,

and there are different styles, right?

In Catalonia, the paella has, like,

all the sea monsters mixed in with the rice,

with like a witch's-- a witch's wooden handle stirring it.

And then in Valencia, they have, like, delicious things

like snails and rabbit and other road kill.

(laughter)

But who was the first to overcook rice?

(laughter)

We don't know.

(applause)

We don't know.

And sadly, we may never know.

We may never know.

Valencia, I had horchata.

"Orchada." I don't know.

(laughter)

"Orshada," "orchada."

Which is this refreshing white liquid that,

after I drank it, they were, like,

that's made from tiger nuts.

(laughter)

I didn't-- I didn't know there were tigers here.

(laughter)

And they're like, no, it's a nut that looks like a tiger's nut.

(laughter)

Doesn't make me feel better.

(laughter)

Valencia, they have the falles.

Right? The falles, which is--

it's a festival honoring Saint Joseph,

and how they honor him is

they dress up in old timey clothes and burn things.

'Cause nothing says culture more than

lighting things on fire.

Hey, you know how Hitler burned a lot of books?

What if we did that of images of people that are still alive?

We could do that. You know how, like,

they protest in the Middle East?

What if we did that as a festival?

(laughter)

There's also in, uh, Valencia,

there's the Tomatina, right?

The Tomatina, which is a festival

which is just a tomato fight.

And I was, like, how-- I asked, I was like,

did this start, like, was there a saint that was killed by tomatoes, or--

Saint Tomato of Bob or something?

And they're like, no, it was just an old guy threw a tomato

and we turned it into a festival.

I'm like, is-- is that how all festivals start here?

It's like, you know what? I tripped on the way here.

-Let's turn that into a party. -(laughter)

We can do that as a party. Everything can be a party.

(laughter)

In Madrid, I saw the statue of the Devil.

You know there's a statue of the Devil in Madrid?

The fallen angel which-- that's the Devil.

I don't know how that would even come up.

It's like, who else should we do a statue of?

(deep voice) How about the Devil?

(laughter)

Who invited that guy?

(laughter)

No, there's a statue of the Devil.

In America, we're taking down statues

of the Confederacy,

and Spain, a Catholic country,

there's a statue of the Antichrist.

Like, how do you even justify that?

Well, you know, the Devil, you know, wasn't all bad.

-(laughter) -You know.

Devil did some good things, you know, he--

He went down to Georgia. He did that.

And he, uh-- he uh-- you know, he was an advocate,

he was the Devil's advocate.

(laughter)

Don't forget about those deviled eggs, those are tasty.

(laughter)

I went and I saw it, and the--

the statue of the Devil is 666 meters above sea level.

I'm sure that's a coincidence.

(laughter)

Hello? We're all gonna die.

(chuckles)

Like, how-- Why? Why?

It's like, how tall should we make the Devil statue?

(low voice) 6-6-6.

Well, if you feel that strongly about it.

Should we go with a fountain? (deep voice) Of blood.

(deep voice) Just kidding.

(normal voice) Yeah, I was gonna say we're gonna do a fountain,

I don't know where we'd get the blood.

(deep voice) I'll provide the blood.

The blood of virgins.

Sorry, I don't know what possessed me.

(laughter)

(normal voice) But of course,

nothing is quite as fascinating

as the, uh, caganer, right?

The caganer, if you don't know,

um, the caganer is a little figurine

of a guy squatting and doing his business.

And when I say business,

I mean the most disgusting idea of business.

(laughter)

And behind him is a pile of his business.

(laughter)

And the first time I was in Barcelona,

I saw, like, these little figurines in stores,

and I was, like, ha, ha, ha, that's disgusting.

(laughter)

And then I learned later on those little figurines

are part of the nativity scene.

(laughter)

What?!

So in the nativity scene,

there is Mary and Joseph and baby Jesus,

and the three kings,

and a guy doing an outdoor dump.

(laughter)

And eventually, I-- I saw-- someone just sent me a photo

of seeing the image of the caganer next to the--

And I swear, one of the kings was holding his gift,

and looking at the caganer, like, that's his gift?

-You know? -(laughter)

Caga tio. I don't understand that.

(laughter)

Cagat-- It's just like-- It's-- It's almost like

Catalonia was like, what else can we do?

(laughter, applause)

What-- (chuckles)

We got the caganer, but...

how about something weird for the kids?

(laughter)

Caga tio, this is gonna sound made up.

(laughter)

It all sounds made up.

It's like, all right, you know, uh...

a log--

Stickin' with the theme.

-Uh-- -(laughter)

A log that, uh, in December, kids feed.

-Okay. -(laughter)

They take care of the log during December.

They feed it. You know how you can feed a log.

-And-- -(laughter)

They feed this log,

and then on Christmas Day, in the spirit of Jesus' birth--

(laughter)

This log that they've taken care of,

they beat it.

(laughter)

They-- They beat the log...

and sing a song hoping that the log--

-I'm not makin' it up-- -(laughter)

Like, there's Americans here goin', this is not true.

(laughter)

And the Catalonians are like, yeah, he's got--

-It's pretty close. -(laughter)

They beat the log, singing that

they want the log to poop out gifts.

(laughter)

It's like--

You guys don't even need drugs here.

-(laughter) -You know what I mean? It's like--

You're like, drugs? We don't need 'em.

We don't need 'em.

Have you seen our holiday traditions?

(laughter)

And I love in that song,

"Poop out some gifts, but not sardines."

(laughter)

Like, at what point are they writing a song,

don't forget the sardine part.

(laughter)

Nobody wants sardines. Nobody wants sardines.

You're talking about a log pooping out gifts.

Yeah, but you know what, sardines are gross.

(laughter)

The sardines, those are gross, right?

(laughter)

Fascinating.

Fascinating.

Of course, a Catholic country here, you know.

In Valencia, I saw the Holy Grail.

Well, you know, maybe. Right?

You know, it's possibly the cup

that Jesus drank from at the last supper,

-but probably not. -(laughter)

And there are like, supposedly, there's two other cups

that are possibly cups that Jesus drank from at the last supper,

but probably not.

(laughter)

In fact, I have a cup at home--

(laughter)

That Jesus possibly drank from.

But probably not.

It's a sippy cup, so it's probably...

baby Jesus.

This guy's a jerk.

(laughter)

He's just rude.

I don't know.

Last time I was in Spain, I had my family with me.

I brought-- I have five kids,

and one of the advantages of traveling with five children

is it's very similar to shoveling cash into a furnace.

(laughter)

But it was euros, so the flames were pretty colors.

(laughter)

And I had my teenagers with me, which is--

They-- They're always nice, they're always pointing out

every insecurity you've ever had.

(laughter)

Like, hey, Dad, you know you look fat.

I do know that, thank you. I do know that.

You know you look like a tourist.

-I do know that, thank you. -(laughter)

'Cause I do, I look like a tourist.

And I've always looked like a tourist, even as a baby,

I looked like a tourist.

People were like, is that-- that baby's a tourist, right?

(laughter)

That must be a tourist baby.

You know what I mean?

And, uh, tourist is an ugly word, right?

It's an ugly word. Nobody wants to be called a tourist.

Tourist sounds like something you'd accuse someone of being.

It's like, not only are you sexist and racist,

you're a tourist.

(laughter)

I am not a tourist.

(laughter)

You know I don't see geography.

(laughter)

But worldwide, people dislike tourists, right?

And we-- Everywhere, people complain.

I love when the Spanish complain about tourists.

They're like, I hate those people that come here and spend money.

(laughter)

So we can have jobs and take the afternoon off.

(laughter)

They're the worst.

But we all complain about tourists,

and we say it's 'cause we think that, you know,

we say it 'cause like they get in our way,

but really, we don't like the idea of someone coming to our town

and having fun.

How dare they come here...

and enjoy our services.

(laughter)

And people say horrible things about tourists.

Horrible things, things you wouldn't say

about any other group of people,

and you can say it in front of

your most politically correct friend.

You're like, oh, we should get rid of all the tourists.

And your friend's like, we should kill them all.

(laughter)

Well, I don't know about that.

As a result, nobody ever wants to look like a tourist,

we always want to mix in, we're like,

what are the locals doing? I want to do that.

They're at work.

(laughter)

Can I do that?

(applause)

I want to do that.

We do behave strangely as tourists,

like when I was with my family, we visited a bunch of churches.

You never do that when you're at home.

I never wake up on a Saturday,

hey, you wanna go check out some churches?

(laughter)

Uh, never. No.

What if I told you those churches were super old and empty?

(laughter)

I still wouldn't want to go.

Most of the churches we went in were empty.

And, you know, we went in one church

and there was a mass going on and that was kind of strange.

It was like, hey, I know you're in contemplative prayer,

but I'm gonna do an Instagram live.

So I'll tag you if you want.

(laughter)

In New York City, there's a church that went out of business,

and they turned it into a nightclub, the Limelight.

And so that means--

I'm sure there are people that walk by and they're like,

Oh, my gosh, that's where my parents got married,

and where I first tried cocaine.

(laughter)

A lot of memories there.

Of course, here in Barcelona, the most famous Spanish church,

Sagrada Familia,

or as I call it, Sangria Familiar.

(laughter)

Beautiful church, right?

Started in the 1800s, still not done.

(laughter)

I'm thinkin', never gonna be done.

After a hundred years, I lower my expectations.

(laughter)

You guys gonna finish it? Mañana, mañana.

(laughter)

-Don't pressure us. -(applause)

That's one of Gaudi's masterpieces, right?

Gaudi, such a brilliant mind,

whose approach to-- to architecture was like,

make it beautiful but make it melting.

(laughter)

We want the buildings to feel like Spain in August.

(laughter)

Here we're on Las Ramblas.

Everyone check your wallet.

(laughter)

Ramblas, check your wallet.

I remember the first time I came to Barcelona,

I landed, I took an overnight flight,

and I checked into my hotel, it was like 7 a.m.,

I was like kinda wired, so I was like,

I'm gonna go walk around. Where's the Ramblas?

And the hotel person was like, oh, don't go there.

(laughter)

Don't go there.

I'm like, well, why? And they're like, oh, very dangerous.

Lot of pickpockets.

I was like, is it in a-- is it in a different century?

Pickpockets, am I gonna run into Oliver Twist?

(laughter)

Should I be worried about being guillotined?

(laughter)

La Ramblas.

And I walked down the-- the Ramblas, and people were very nice.

They were, in fact, generous.

People coming up to me offering to sell me drugs.

(laughter)

Do want coke, hash? No thank you, it's eight in the morning, but, uh--

(laughter)

And then I would walk back, same people, coke, hash?

I'm like, no, didn't change my mind,

uh, but thanks for checkin' in.

I'm still good on not wanting drugs at eight in the morning.

(laughter)

My family was here, we, uh, visited some castles.

Everyone loves castles, right?

Those romantic, magical structures

where dictators used to live.

I love how former dictator homes are so--

are tourist traps, you know?

That's the effect of Disney on top of us.

It's like, I'm sure that murderous despot who lived there

probably-- I'm sure he was all about equal rights.

(laughter)

I bet his son was charming.

Went on a castle tour, which really means

we just paid to walk through a rich guy's house.

'Cause that's all you do on a castle tour, you just walk through.

And this one was furnished,

so all the king's stuff was there.

It felt kind of like a-- a medieval Air B&B.

I was like, wow, this is weird.

In 300 years, are people gonna pay

to walk through Bill Gates' house?

Like, oh, look at that, he owned a Mac. Wow.

(laughter)

That's a surprise.

Now you hear about, occasionally hear about

really wealthy people living in castles.

I'd be embarrassed to tell someone I lived in a castle.

It's like, oh, where do we live?

Well, we looked at apartments in the area,

but you know the castle on the top of the hill?

Yeah, we live in it.

But we're down to earth, we just have a lot more earth.

(laughter)

The wife wanted a moat, you know.

Moats, those really disappeared, right?

People rarely add moats to their homes anymore.

'Cause I guess there's nothing less neighborly, right?

There's putting up a fence and then there's digging a river

around your house that says, you know, don't come over.

(laughter)

We're not looking for visitors.

(laughter)

There's very late night culture in Spain, right?

I feel like you guys kind of almost brag about it.

You're like, oh, we eat dinner at 11:00.

We eat dinner at midnight. We eat dinner when you're having breakfast.

(laughter)

I'm, like, do any of you have jobs here?

(laughter)

(chuckles) How do you do that?

But everything starts later in Spain,

meals, shows, democracy,

everything starts later, right?

Everything starts later.

(laughter, applause)

'Cause, of course, there was the Spanish Civil War,

which is a funny topic.

No, the Spanish Civil War, and I wanted to learn more about it,

so I watched some Youtube videos,

and, uh, now I understand less.

-But-- -(laughter)

I do know the fascists won, Franco, won,

and he ruled over Spain for decades, Franco.

And, of course, he had a son named James Franco.

(laughter)

Who directed that movie, "The Disaster Artist,"

but he cast his brother Dave 'cause Spain's all about family.

(laughter)

And Franco-- Someone told me Franco only had one testicle.

I don't know if that's true, you know.

I don't want to Google it.

-(laughter) -You know.

I don't want to get all those one testicle ads.

(laughter)

You might be interested in these one testicle underwear.

I don't want that.

(laughter)

Supposedly, Hitler only had one testicle.

Everyone has that friend that brings that up,

like it explains something.

You know, Hitler, he only had one testicle.

Oh, that's why he did those horrible things.

(laughter)

We gotta keep an eye on Lance Armstrong.

-(laughter) -(crowd exclaiming)

I'm sorry, is Lance here?

(laughter)

Besides, I can say that joke 'cause I only have one testicle.

(laughter)

Well, from certain angles. You know?

(laughter)

That's disgusting.

I thought he was the clean comedian.

(laughter)

I thought he was.

I love the Spanish food. Whenever I travel,

I always eat the local specialty.

You guys are like, we can tell, Jim,

-we can totally tell. -(laughter)

We can t-- And there's nothing more Spanish than tapas, right?

Tapas, which is kind of like Spain's sushi.

-Tapas-- -(laughter)

Which is like-- I love how tapas is talked about like an activity.

People do tapas, you know, like it's a form of exercise.

You went jogging? I did tapas.

(laughter)

Yeah, I did a whole circuit, I'm exhausted.

When I was in Madrid, I went to, uh,

the oldest restaurant called Botín,

which is a restaurant that's been open since 1725,

and, uh, it really-- the food tasted like it, too.

-And, uh-- -(laughter)

It's weird, old is not usually

an adjective you want associated with food.

It's like, oh, these-- oh, this-- these eggs are from a thousand years ago.

(laughter)

But Botín, I had-- And it's all traditional dishes,

like, I had the suckling pig.

Uh, which is, you know, obviously, it's a baby pig

that was torn away from the mother.

(laughter)

And then I ate it.

(laughter)

I mean, I didn't eat it in front of the mother.

-You know what I mean? -(laughter)

I Facetimed, I did. I was like--

Anything look familiar?

(laughter)

It didn't happen, everyone.

It didn't-- This guy's a monster.

He is a monster. He's a horrible person,

and I don't like him.

(laughter)

Spanish breakfast, I had, uh, churros con chocolate.

For breakfast.

Like, I know lunch is your meal here,

but, you know...

breakfast, the ingredients of a candy bar,

we're gonna go there?

Like, who came up with that?

Was that, like, what, they ask an eight-year-old?

I want fried dough

that I can dunk into a cup of chocolate.

(laughter)

Now, Timmy, we're-- we're gonna give you a little bit.

I want a cup of chocolate!

(laughter)

Just give him the damn cup of chocolate.

(laughter)

Tortilla española. Tortilla española,

that was, I don't know how to tell you this, uh,

that's an omelet.

(laughter)

Not a tortilla. Not a tortilla.

Not a tortilla. I, uh, I don't know,

I-- I g-- I would assume that

a Spanish person would have met a Mexican by now,

-but-- -(laughter)

That's not a tort-- Maybe the Mexicans are so nice

they didn't want to tell you.

Like, the Spaniards are like, here's our tortilla española,

and the Mexicans are like,

-bueno. -(laughter)

Bueno on the tortilla.

That's very good, that's--

It's tortilla español.

That is, uh, an omelet, that's a potato omelet.

Even people in Ireland are like,

I don't need a potato omelet. No thanks.

But, uh, tortilla, it's a potato omelet.

And, you know, I've eaten a lot of omelets.

Jim, we can tell.

And, uh, I-- you know,

I've never really, uh, wanted a potato one.

(laughter)

What do you want in your omelet?

Uh, potatoes and is it okay if we call it a burrito?

Can we do that?

Tortilla española.

Bogadillo.

So there's a tortilla española sandwich.

(laughter)

Hey, I love carbs. I do.

(laughter)

But there is a threshold where you're like--

(laughter)

(chuckles)

You know what? I'll have, uh, the tortilla española sandwich,

and, uh, the potato omelet sandwich.

Can we put-- Can we put some rice on there?

(laughter)

I'd love some rice and maybe some pasta.

-Can we put past-- -(laughter)

Just hear me out, hear me out.

If we put pasta and then, I don't know,

I feel like there should be some more in there.

This guy's a jerk.

(laughter)

But you guys love potatoes. Patatas brava.

Patat-- Imagine the bravery--

(laughter)

Involved... in putting sauce...

-on potatoes. -(laughter)

What kind of man is he?

Have you seen how he eats his potatoes?

(laughter)

With sauce on them.

(laughter)

He is a real man.

(laughter)

Now, I would never come to your beautiful country,

and tell you that gazpacho soup is uncooked tomato soup.

I would never do that.

(laughter)

'Cause that's not the type of person I am.

I am humbled and gracious,

and I wouldn't say someone was too lazy to cook it.

-I wouldn't say that. -(laughter)

This guy's gonna get beat up.

(laughter)

I would even say olé.

Like, when I was at the flamenco show.

where occasionally someone would just say olé,

they'd be like, "Olé."

"Olé," and it was just, like, random,

and, obviously, it's kind of a cheer,

it's like, you know,

and I was like, I kind of wanted to say olé.

And-- And every now and then, someone would look at me

and they'd be like, not you.

(laughter)

Not you, Gary, you don't get to say olé.

(laughter)

My favorite, uh, Spanish food obsession

is your love of jamón.

Oh, my gosh, you guys love--

I thought I liked ham, you guys are like,

jamón, jamón, jamón.

And you kind of act like you invented it.

You're like, you must try the Spanish specialty

called jamón.

I've tried ham.

(laughter)

No, but this is different.

-It's not. -(laughter)

And there's all those different--

there's different types of jamón.

This jamón comes from a pig that was only fed acorn.

Why would you do that?

(laughter)

Like, I've never been eating a ham sandwich and be like,

you know what this--

I wish there was a hint of acorn.

(laughter)

Honey, do we have any acorn sauce back there?

Jamón, jamón, jamón.

It's like you guys are making up for the time

when the Moors were here, you know?

It's like, once we get rid of these Muslims,

all we eat will be pork.

(laughter)

It will be jamón, jamón, jamón, jamón.

(applause)

I do love the general discussion of the Moors in Spain,

like you guys talk about them like

they were house guests that overstayed their welcome.

Oh, that's when the Moors were here, yeah.

Yeah, they left, they were here for--

I think they were here for 800 years.

No, they left. They left.

I don't know why they left. I think you killed them.

-I think-- -(laughter)

You killed them and then you tore off their arms.

Yes, I remember something like that.

I don't know.

I-- I know there were questions,

I don't know what exactly the questions were.

There was an inquisition, I don't know.

(laughter)

It's almost like you guys forgot you could eat cows, you know?

No, you eat the pig, you fight the cow. Olé.

(laughter)

-Right? Olé. Olé. -(applause)

Spanish bull fighting, very--

very controversial, right?

I've only seen clips on Youtube,

and from what I can tell, at the beginning

it looks more like bull avoiding.

It's like-- Woo, woo. Missed me again.

Is that how the Spanish fight? They're like,

you wanna go, bro, you wanna go?

All right, let me grab my gold suit and my red blankie.

(laughter)

And then we're gonna dance.

(laughter)

And then when you're tired, stab you in the neck.

(laughter)

Olé.

-(laughter, applause) -Olé

Last time I was in Spain it was during the, uh,

running with the bulls in Pamplona.

Pamplona, which sounds like a form of cancer.

(laughter)

Unfortunately, it's a Pamplona.

(laughter)

That joke never works, but I always do it 'cause--

(laughter)

Who doesn't love a good cancer joke?

No, there's the running with the bulls every July.

First of all, nobody is running with the bulls.

All right?

The bulls don't turn into jogging partners.

(laughter)

People are voluntarily being chased by bulls

'cause they have mental problems.

(laughter)

And there's always a couple of Americans

that run with the bulls, you know,

and they interview them the next day in the hospital.

(laughter)

I was here on vacation, I heard about this running with the bulls,

and I haven't worked out in 20 years.

(laughter)

So I had my wife hold my jamón,

-and I went out there. -(laughter)

And I got gored right away.

(laughter)

I don't know how you'd even train

to run with the bulls.

Well, I had my cat chase me for a week.

(laughter)

Felt like I was ready after that.

(laughter)

You guys fight the bulls, you run with the bulls.

Seems odd, but, of course, in America, we ride the bulls

for no reason.

Like, I-- I w--

How bored do you get on a ranch?

It's like, eh, you wanna play poker again?

You know that terrifying bull?

(laughter)

What if we took turns riding it?

(laughter)

Why don't we just play poker?

I, uh--

Last year, I performed at a rodeo

'cause I have a really good agent.

-And, uh-- -(laughter)

I performed at a rodeo,

and yes, it was my first rodeo.

It was-- I love that saying, not my first rodeo,

as if the second rodeo is when it makes sense.

Oh, now I get it. People are riding animals

that want to be left alone.

(laughter)

First I thought, wow, this is an aggressive petting zoo.

I performed after the rodeo so I could watch,

it was so impressive.

It was truly dangerous what these people were doing.

And we live in a risk averse society.

It's not uncommon to see a toddler wearing a helmet.

You know, but like at the rodeo,

there's no safety meeting, there's no goin',

all right, fellas, no one wants to see you get hurt.

Well, except everyone in the stadium.

(laughter)

I don't know.

I was watching at one point and, uh,

one of the participants came up to me and he goes,

"You do stand up comedy? I could never do that.

That terrifies me."

And then, I swear to God, he proceeded to climb on a bull.

(laughter)

And the world never made sense again.

(laughter)

The rodeo, there's different events,

some of them more dangerous, some different skills,

like there's the calf roping

where a guy chases down a calf.

You know how cows are super fast.

-Well, this is-- -(laughter)

A baby cow that a grown man chases down

while he's riding a horse, so it's a fair race.

(laughter)

And he lassos the calf and he jumps off and he ties it up,

and whoever does it fastest

is most likely to be a serial killer.

(laughter)

But there's nothing that competes with the bull riding,

that's the ultimate event at the rodeo

where people-- these guys ride these bulls for up to eight seconds,

which is so impressive,

and not just 'cause I can't even gargle that long.

I'm, like-- (gargling) that Scope's spicy.

You know what I mean?

But they ride a bull, and-- and very rarely

do they even get to eight seconds,

but when they do, that's their work day, eight seconds.

That's gotta change your perspective on things,

like even waiting for an elevator,

you're like-- I could've ridden three bulls, you know?

(laughter)

And eight seconds, it's not that long,

especially when you consider, like, a dead body

could ride a bull for like two seconds.

(laughter)

It's like, you did well, not as good as a corpse,

but, you know, you did-- you did all right.

My favorite part of the rodeo was the rodeo clown.

I don't know how they convinced someone to do that job.

It's like, after the rider's thrown by the furious bull,

we need someone to distract, maybe antagonize,

the 2400 pound animal.

And me and the fellas, we're thinkin' that you'd be good at that.

Me?

Would I have protection?

Uh, you mean like make up?

(laughter)

No, something to protect me from the bull.

Now, you wouldn't be out there naked,

you'd be dressed like a clown.

(laughter)

Why a clown?

It will be hysterical.

For who? Now, we haven't figured everything out yet.

(laughter)

Why are they dressed like clowns?

Do they think a bull's gonna throw a rider,

and be like, I'm gonna gore every one in this--

Is that a clown?

(laughter)

Is it my birthday?

(laughter)

Did you guys get me a clown for my birthday?

I didn't even think you guys liked me.

Then you go and get me a clown for my birth--

Rodeo.

Last year, I also performed at a zoo.

I don't know what's going on in my career, really.

(laughter)

I might be working my way up to a dog park, I'm not sure.

(laughter)

Why'd they pick me for the zoo?

Gaffigan show? Do it at the animal jail.

(laughter)

Course, a zoo is not an animal jail.

I mean, the animals can't leave,

and if they tried to leave they'd be shot.

(laughter)

But it's not a jail.

I performed at the zoos, the Toledo, Ohio, zoo,

it was outside, it was a beautiful zoo,

I could see some of the animals.

I don't know what they were thinking,

they were probably like, who's the new guy?

(laughter)

Wow, that polar bear really let himself go.

(laughter)

'Cause some animals do perform at the zoo,

and they reward them with food,

which is the same arrangement I have.

(laughter)

That's why I was at the zoo.

I don't know.

It is strange how humans treat animals.

Like sheep, we just take their coats,

we shave off their coats and we dump the sheep back in the field,

and the sheep are like, what the hell?!

(laughter)

I'm freezing!

(laughter)

We gather up all the wool and we leave.

When we return, we're just wearing sweaters.

(laughter)

Don't even acknowledge it. Hey, what's up, dumb sheep?

(laughter)

Cows, thankfully, cows have no idea what's going on.

They just stand there eating grass and,

oh, look at that.

Farmer's got a new leather jacket.

(laughter)

Oh, that's a beautiful leather jacket.

You know who'd love that jacket is Bessie.

Hey, where is Bessie?

(laughter)

Chickens, we just take their eggs,

we don't even tell 'em, we just take 'em and leave.

That's gotta be a big deal for a hen to lay an egg, right?

They probably want to tell their friends,

they're like, I have an announcement.

(laughter)

Well, you know the rooster,

the guy who's really loud in the morning?

Well, we've been getting to know each other.

And I guess I'll show you. Where are my eggs?!

(laughter)

Who took them?

I know it was one of you, it wasn't the farmer,

he went in for breakfast.

(laughter)

I love when people get upset at that joke.

(laughter)

That is not funny.

How dare you bring up a fictitious chicken--

(laughter)

That never existed.

Losing imaginary eggs.

(laughter)

This reminds me.

I want to have a tortilla española.

-(laughter) -Bogadillo.

All right, that is all for me.

Thank you so much.

-(cheering, applause) -Appreciate it.

(cheering, applause)

Thanks so much.

(cheering, applause)