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all: ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
2
00:00:15,448 --> 00:00:19,827
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
3
00:00:19,896 --> 00:00:24,793
♪ Happy birthday,
dear Jake ♪
4
00:00:24,862 --> 00:00:29,758
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
5
00:00:29,827 --> 00:00:31,413
- Make a wish, Jakey boy.
6
00:00:34,206 --> 00:00:37,482
[cheers and applause]
7
00:00:37,551 --> 00:00:40,206
- I wish you could stay our
perfect little boy forever.
8
00:00:40,275 --> 00:00:42,068
- Good night,
Super Bowl champ.
9
00:00:42,137 --> 00:00:43,758
You're my favorite sports boy.
10
00:00:43,827 --> 00:00:45,862
Go, Giants.
- Good night, Dad.
11
00:00:45,931 --> 00:00:47,206
Go, Giants.
12
00:00:47,275 --> 00:00:49,620
[light music]
13
00:00:49,689 --> 00:00:51,000
- Do you think
he has pubes yet?
14
00:00:51,068 --> 00:00:52,068
- I don't think so.
15
00:00:52,137 --> 00:00:54,551
♪ ♪
16
00:00:54,620 --> 00:00:57,344
[wind howls]
17
00:00:57,413 --> 00:00:59,758
- Happy birthday, Jake.
18
00:00:59,827 --> 00:01:01,206
[suspenseful music]
19
00:01:01,275 --> 00:01:03,310
Oh, don't worry.
I'm not here to hurt you.
20
00:01:03,379 --> 00:01:06,344
I'm actually here to give you
one more birthday gift--
21
00:01:06,413 --> 00:01:08,827
the truth about life.
22
00:01:08,896 --> 00:01:11,965
Well, your parents like
to tell you that life is good
23
00:01:12,034 --> 00:01:13,793
and that you're worthy of love.
24
00:01:13,862 --> 00:01:16,965
But your parents
are lying liars.
25
00:01:17,034 --> 00:01:20,000
Remember when they told
you Santa Claus was real?
26
00:01:20,068 --> 00:01:22,827
That was extra fucked up
because you're Jewish.
27
00:01:22,896 --> 00:01:24,655
I'm Jewish, too.
28
00:01:24,724 --> 00:01:29,137
Anyway, I'm here to tell you
that life is fundamentally bad.
29
00:01:29,206 --> 00:01:30,827
But don't let that
get you down.
30
00:01:30,896 --> 00:01:32,689
I'm your new best friend,
31
00:01:32,758 --> 00:01:35,137
and I'll be with you
the rest of your life
32
00:01:35,206 --> 00:01:37,827
till the day you die,
Sports Boy.
33
00:01:37,896 --> 00:01:41,758
Oh, and by the way,
you suck at sports.
34
00:01:41,827 --> 00:01:43,862
- Oh, well,
35
00:01:43,931 --> 00:01:46,137
thanks for telling me,
Black Dog.
36
00:01:46,206 --> 00:01:48,482
- No problem, buddy.
Have a good night.
37
00:01:48,551 --> 00:01:50,000
Oh, I almost forgot.
38
00:01:50,068 --> 00:01:51,758
You have insomnia now,
39
00:01:51,827 --> 00:01:55,413
so it will actually be
a pretty bad night.
40
00:01:55,482 --> 00:01:57,034
♪ ♪
41
00:01:57,103 --> 00:01:58,482
- [sighs]
42
00:01:58,551 --> 00:02:00,965
[indistinct chatter,
telephones ringing]
43
00:02:01,034 --> 00:02:02,965
[thud]
44
00:02:03,034 --> 00:02:06,275
- [sighs] You know, a 30-minute
workout is just 2% of your day.
45
00:02:06,344 --> 00:02:08,068
- You can't possibly think
46
00:02:08,137 --> 00:02:10,000
you're gonna convince me
to go to the gym during lunch.
47
00:02:10,068 --> 00:02:12,172
Come on, you could lose weight.
48
00:02:12,241 --> 00:02:14,241
I lost seven pounds
in six weeks.
49
00:02:14,310 --> 00:02:17,103
At this rate, I'll lose
more pounds in more weeks.
50
00:02:17,172 --> 00:02:20,206
- Thanks, but I actually lost
a bunch of weight recently.
51
00:02:20,275 --> 00:02:21,586
My belt stopped fitting
around my neck
52
00:02:21,655 --> 00:02:23,137
the same way
that it used to.
53
00:02:23,206 --> 00:02:26,793
- Well, for the record, I tried
to help you feel better.
54
00:02:26,862 --> 00:02:29,793
- Was that a suicide joke
or a masturbation joke?
55
00:02:29,862 --> 00:02:31,862
- What's the difference?
We're all gonna die.
56
00:02:31,931 --> 00:02:34,068
- [chuckles]
Attaboy!
57
00:02:34,137 --> 00:02:37,448
[rock music]
58
00:02:37,517 --> 00:02:44,517
♪ ♪
59
00:02:54,896 --> 00:02:57,724
[classical music]
60
00:02:57,793 --> 00:03:04,896
♪ ♪
61
00:03:18,379 --> 00:03:20,862
- [groans]
I'm proud of myself.
62
00:03:20,931 --> 00:03:22,931
I finally got you
to come to the gym.
63
00:03:23,000 --> 00:03:24,689
- It had nothing to do
with you.
64
00:03:24,758 --> 00:03:27,448
Getting swole has been
in my calendar forever.
65
00:03:27,517 --> 00:03:29,310
- Now I've just got to convince
Jake to come.
66
00:03:29,379 --> 00:03:31,172
- Ugh. If you really want
to help Jake,
67
00:03:31,241 --> 00:03:32,655
convince him to go on meds.
68
00:03:32,724 --> 00:03:34,793
I've been trying for years.
69
00:03:34,862 --> 00:03:36,689
- You think Jake should be
on meds?
70
00:03:36,758 --> 00:03:40,034
- He jokes about killing
himself ten times a day.
71
00:03:40,103 --> 00:03:42,758
Don't you ever worry
about him?
72
00:03:42,827 --> 00:03:45,793
- There was this one time when
Jake was late to pick me up.
73
00:03:45,862 --> 00:03:47,758
You know how
he's always on time.
74
00:03:47,827 --> 00:03:49,689
Well, he was five minutes late,
75
00:03:49,758 --> 00:03:51,655
and I immediately assumed
he'd killed himself.
76
00:03:51,724 --> 00:03:53,758
I imagined myself
at his funeral.
77
00:03:53,827 --> 00:03:56,724
And I gave
a pretty good eulogy.
78
00:03:56,793 --> 00:03:58,827
It could make you laugh,
it could make you cry.
79
00:03:58,896 --> 00:04:01,448
By the time he showed up,
I was genuinely disappointed.
80
00:04:01,517 --> 00:04:02,931
'cause it was some
of the best writing
81
00:04:03,000 --> 00:04:04,275
I've ever done in my life.
82
00:04:04,344 --> 00:04:06,068
I got back into
creative writing after that.
83
00:04:06,137 --> 00:04:08,068
I wrote a couple short
stories, half a novella.
84
00:04:08,137 --> 00:04:10,068
If you wanted to read them,
I could email them to you.
85
00:04:10,137 --> 00:04:13,034
- Matt, do not send me
your short stories.
86
00:04:13,103 --> 00:04:15,034
- I'll send 'em over.
- [groans]
87
00:04:15,103 --> 00:04:18,344
- It has come to our attention
that our logo bears
88
00:04:18,413 --> 00:04:22,724
a slight resemblance to an evil
company's logo in a video game.
89
00:04:22,793 --> 00:04:25,241
- Yeah, personally,
I don't see it.
90
00:04:25,310 --> 00:04:28,034
But the gamer community wants
all of our heads on sticks.
91
00:04:28,103 --> 00:04:31,172
- So our goal now is to
redirect gamers' hatred
92
00:04:31,241 --> 00:04:33,275
away from us
and back towards women.
93
00:04:33,344 --> 00:04:34,827
- Just as God intended.
94
00:04:34,896 --> 00:04:38,896
- Christian wants us to explore
the idea of a new logo.
95
00:04:38,965 --> 00:04:40,068
- Yeah.
96
00:04:40,137 --> 00:04:41,655
- Every logo begins
with a shape.
97
00:04:41,724 --> 00:04:43,482
So let's look at some shapes
98
00:04:43,551 --> 00:04:46,689
and just do
a little free association.
99
00:04:46,758 --> 00:04:48,827
- Okay, let's do it.
- Okay? All right.
100
00:04:48,896 --> 00:04:50,620
How about a cylinder?
- Cylinder!
101
00:04:50,689 --> 00:04:52,172
Uh, Pringles.
102
00:04:52,241 --> 00:04:53,965
Uh, once you pop,
the fun don't stop.
103
00:04:54,034 --> 00:04:56,000
Uh, bop it,
twist it...
104
00:04:56,068 --> 00:04:57,793
- A metal pipe
to bludgeon myself with
105
00:04:57,862 --> 00:04:59,551
so I can get out
of this meeting.
106
00:04:59,620 --> 00:05:01,172
- Right round, baby,
right round.
107
00:05:01,241 --> 00:05:03,275
- How about a rectangle?
- Rectangle.
108
00:05:03,344 --> 00:05:04,448
Uh, a door.
109
00:05:04,517 --> 00:05:06,758
Uh, uh--no, no, no.
The Doors!
110
00:05:06,827 --> 00:05:08,931
- The coffin
I'll be resting peacefully in
111
00:05:09,000 --> 00:05:10,689
after I bludgeon myself
to death.
112
00:05:10,758 --> 00:05:13,586
- Legendary bands.
Maroon 5!
113
00:05:13,655 --> 00:05:15,586
- Uh, how about a semi-circle?
114
00:05:15,655 --> 00:05:19,482
- Semi-charmed kind of life.
Third Eye Blind.
115
00:05:19,551 --> 00:05:22,413
- The tombstone above my grave
that reads "here lies Jake.
116
00:05:22,482 --> 00:05:24,965
He died doing what he hated,
being alive."
117
00:05:25,034 --> 00:05:27,758
- Do you realize you joke about
suicide, like, ten times a day?
118
00:05:27,827 --> 00:05:30,310
- No, I joke about suicide
six times a day.
119
00:05:30,379 --> 00:05:32,448
The other four
are sincere threats.
120
00:05:32,517 --> 00:05:33,931
- [chuckles]
Whoo!
121
00:05:34,000 --> 00:05:35,275
Getting amped up now.
122
00:05:35,344 --> 00:05:37,896
Ooh, amps?
Electric guitar?
123
00:05:37,965 --> 00:05:39,137
Bands?
Maroon 5!
124
00:05:39,206 --> 00:05:40,724
- John, shut the fuck up!
125
00:05:40,793 --> 00:05:43,724
[upbeat rock music]
126
00:05:43,793 --> 00:05:45,310
♪ ♪
127
00:05:45,379 --> 00:05:46,551
- Ugh.
128
00:05:46,620 --> 00:05:48,275
♪ ♪
129
00:05:48,344 --> 00:05:50,586
- Are you gonna clean that
bird shit off your windshield?
130
00:05:50,655 --> 00:05:52,448
- I can see fine.
131
00:05:52,517 --> 00:05:54,448
- Why don't you just use
your wiper fluid?
132
00:05:54,517 --> 00:05:56,068
- I don't think my car
has that.
133
00:05:56,137 --> 00:05:57,793
- Isn't it this?
134
00:05:57,862 --> 00:05:59,758
♪ ♪
135
00:05:59,827 --> 00:06:02,172
- Oh.
Weird.
136
00:06:02,241 --> 00:06:03,896
Well, whatever.
137
00:06:03,965 --> 00:06:05,724
I guess now I won't die
in a car accident.
138
00:06:05,793 --> 00:06:06,896
Thanks a lot, Matt.
139
00:06:06,965 --> 00:06:10,172
♪ ♪
140
00:06:10,241 --> 00:06:11,551
- Maybe you should go on meds.
141
00:06:11,620 --> 00:06:12,551
[dramatic note]
142
00:06:12,620 --> 00:06:14,206
- There it is.
143
00:06:14,275 --> 00:06:16,620
Yet another good friend who
insists you lobotomize yourself
144
00:06:16,689 --> 00:06:18,448
by going on meds.
145
00:06:18,517 --> 00:06:21,000
- Well, I'd happily swallow
a cyanide pill right now
146
00:06:21,068 --> 00:06:22,827
if it would get me out
of this conversation.
147
00:06:22,896 --> 00:06:24,862
- Jake, you're miserable.
148
00:06:24,931 --> 00:06:28,137
There are easy things that you
could do to improve your life.
149
00:06:28,206 --> 00:06:31,379
And I'm gonna help you do them,
whether you like it or not.
150
00:06:31,448 --> 00:06:33,172
And you're gonna like it!
151
00:06:33,241 --> 00:06:35,551
- You know, I had a lot of
lovely things to say about you
152
00:06:35,620 --> 00:06:37,517
in my suicide note,
153
00:06:37,586 --> 00:06:39,862
but I might have to revise it
if you keep trying to fix me
154
00:06:39,931 --> 00:06:41,931
like some modern-day
Mary Poppins.
155
00:06:42,000 --> 00:06:44,655
- I'm not Mary Poppins.
I'm Matty Poppins.
156
00:06:44,724 --> 00:06:46,379
And I'm going to jam
that spoonful of sugar
157
00:06:46,448 --> 00:06:48,655
down your fucking throat
until the medicine goes down.
158
00:06:48,724 --> 00:06:52,344
Oh, and it will not be easy,
but it will go down.
159
00:06:52,413 --> 00:06:53,482
- I'm fine with that,
160
00:06:53,551 --> 00:06:54,758
as long as it leads
to me ODing.
161
00:06:54,827 --> 00:06:56,103
- Nice!
162
00:06:56,172 --> 00:06:59,275
Four suicide jokes in a row.
You're on fire.
163
00:07:02,034 --> 00:07:04,965
[soft music]
164
00:07:05,034 --> 00:07:07,172
♪ ♪
165
00:07:07,241 --> 00:07:09,482
[yawns]
166
00:07:09,551 --> 00:07:11,517
Home, disgusting home.
167
00:07:11,586 --> 00:07:13,551
- Hi, Pebbles.
[cat meows]
168
00:07:15,206 --> 00:07:16,965
[groans]
169
00:07:17,034 --> 00:07:18,413
- Well, don't clean it.
170
00:07:18,482 --> 00:07:20,896
The cat's just gonna
shit in it again.
171
00:07:20,965 --> 00:07:23,310
- It smells pretty bad.
- Right, but only to you.
172
00:07:23,379 --> 00:07:25,137
- Great point.
173
00:07:25,206 --> 00:07:27,758
- I only make great points.
174
00:07:27,827 --> 00:07:30,758
[bright music]
175
00:07:30,827 --> 00:07:33,344
♪ ♪
176
00:07:33,413 --> 00:07:34,586
[doorbell rings]
177
00:07:34,655 --> 00:07:35,758
- Matt?
178
00:07:35,827 --> 00:07:37,379
But I dropped you off
at your house.
179
00:07:37,448 --> 00:07:38,689
What are you doing at mine?
180
00:07:38,758 --> 00:07:40,172
- [British accent]
Never mind all that.
181
00:07:40,241 --> 00:07:41,689
Out of the way you go.
182
00:07:41,758 --> 00:07:44,413
♪ ♪
183
00:07:44,482 --> 00:07:46,793
No wonder
you're clinically depressed.
184
00:07:46,862 --> 00:07:48,482
This place is a mess!
185
00:07:48,551 --> 00:07:49,827
But don't despair.
186
00:07:49,896 --> 00:07:52,172
We'll simply clean up
your lair.
187
00:07:52,241 --> 00:07:54,448
- No, I'll never accept
your help.
188
00:07:54,517 --> 00:07:55,965
- [chuckles]
189
00:07:56,034 --> 00:07:58,000
If I had a tuppence
for every time I've heard that,
190
00:07:58,068 --> 00:07:59,620
I could buy a lorry.
191
00:07:59,689 --> 00:08:02,517
♪ The cure for depression ♪
192
00:08:02,586 --> 00:08:05,206
♪ Is to change
your expression ♪
193
00:08:05,275 --> 00:08:08,655
♪ From a frown to a smile ♪
194
00:08:08,724 --> 00:08:11,551
♪ Take a tip from
this dapper Gentile ♪
195
00:08:11,620 --> 00:08:15,068
♪ If you think the world is
a pointless mess ♪
196
00:08:15,137 --> 00:08:17,862
♪ Simply choose not to stress ♪
197
00:08:17,931 --> 00:08:20,758
♪ And you'll see it's easy ♪
198
00:08:20,827 --> 00:08:24,137
♪ As changing
your brain chemistry ♪
199
00:08:24,206 --> 00:08:27,517
If all you eat is junk,
no wonder you're in a funk.
200
00:08:27,586 --> 00:08:29,000
But if you eat organic,
201
00:08:29,068 --> 00:08:32,862
your self-hatred
won't be so volcanic.
202
00:08:32,931 --> 00:08:35,931
If you resolve
your deep-seated issues,
203
00:08:36,000 --> 00:08:38,068
you'll have no more use
for tissues.
204
00:08:38,137 --> 00:08:39,896
[goofy slide whistle plays]
205
00:08:39,965 --> 00:08:41,413
And if you right your poster,
206
00:08:41,482 --> 00:08:44,241
there'll be no need to bathe
with your toaster.
207
00:08:44,310 --> 00:08:46,965
[bell dinging]
208
00:08:47,034 --> 00:08:48,965
♪ ♪
209
00:08:50,517 --> 00:08:53,793
[whooshing]
210
00:08:53,862 --> 00:08:56,620
[straining]
211
00:08:56,689 --> 00:08:58,241
[sighs]
212
00:08:58,310 --> 00:09:00,379
That was a tricky
little fellow.
213
00:09:00,448 --> 00:09:02,379
[cheerful music]
214
00:09:02,448 --> 00:09:06,482
You know, a 30-minute workout
is just 2% of your day.
215
00:09:06,551 --> 00:09:11,827
♪ Your simple objective is
to change your perspective ♪
216
00:09:11,896 --> 00:09:14,827
[cat meows]
♪ A frown becomes a smile ♪
217
00:09:14,896 --> 00:09:18,000
♪ When you pretend
that life is worthwhile ♪
218
00:09:18,068 --> 00:09:21,310
♪ If you think the world
is an open sewer ♪
219
00:09:21,379 --> 00:09:23,862
♪ Just put your clothes
in the drawer ♪
220
00:09:23,931 --> 00:09:25,586
♪ And you'll see ♪
- ♪ And you'll see ♪
221
00:09:25,655 --> 00:09:27,206
- ♪ It's easy ♪
- ♪ It's easy ♪
222
00:09:27,275 --> 00:09:30,310
both: ♪ To stop thinking
the thoughts that you think ♪
223
00:09:31,620 --> 00:09:33,655
- [sighs]
224
00:09:34,896 --> 00:09:36,827
[doorbell buzzes]
225
00:09:36,896 --> 00:09:38,586
[sports announcer speaking
indistinctly on TV]
226
00:09:38,655 --> 00:09:40,344
- These fucking refs
don't know
227
00:09:40,413 --> 00:09:42,413
what they're fucking
talking about.
228
00:09:44,034 --> 00:09:45,896
- What the fuck are
you doing here?
229
00:09:45,965 --> 00:09:47,551
- [normal voice]
I brought you leafy greens.
230
00:09:47,620 --> 00:09:49,551
I read on the cover
of "Men's Health" magazine
231
00:09:49,620 --> 00:09:51,896
that a healthy diet
can help alleviate depression.
232
00:09:51,965 --> 00:09:54,689
Jake, just let me help you
turn your life around!
233
00:09:54,758 --> 00:09:56,275
- Matt, stop it!
234
00:09:56,344 --> 00:09:57,862
- Jake, eat the lettuce.
It's good for you.
235
00:09:57,931 --> 00:10:01,517
- I only eat food off
the floor on my terms!
236
00:10:01,586 --> 00:10:03,206
Stop it!
237
00:10:03,275 --> 00:10:07,034
- I talked to my doctor,
got on Shrilanka,
238
00:10:07,103 --> 00:10:09,724
and now I can enjoy life
again.
239
00:10:09,793 --> 00:10:12,172
- You know ads like this are
illegal in other countries?
240
00:10:12,241 --> 00:10:14,241
I can't believe anyone
takes that shit.
241
00:10:14,310 --> 00:10:16,000
- Jake, are you not on meds?
242
00:10:16,068 --> 00:10:17,241
- Yeah, I'm on meds,
243
00:10:17,310 --> 00:10:18,724
and I'm way less
fucked up than you are.
244
00:10:18,793 --> 00:10:20,137
What are you, like,
245
00:10:20,206 --> 00:10:22,758
a Jewish-Amish-Scientologist
-Christian Scientist?
246
00:10:22,827 --> 00:10:25,344
- Sorry if I don't want to deal
with the insane side effects.
247
00:10:25,413 --> 00:10:26,655
- It's really not that bad.
248
00:10:26,724 --> 00:10:29,517
It just get really dizzy
if I get up too fast.
249
00:10:29,586 --> 00:10:31,827
So now I just get up
like this.
250
00:10:34,137 --> 00:10:36,172
[groans softly]
251
00:10:36,241 --> 00:10:37,482
- Well, whatever.
252
00:10:37,551 --> 00:10:39,137
I don't want
my personality lobotomized
253
00:10:39,206 --> 00:10:40,482
by some stupid pill.
254
00:10:40,551 --> 00:10:42,689
- You don't even like
your personality.
255
00:10:42,758 --> 00:10:44,344
You hate yourself more
than anyone.
256
00:10:44,413 --> 00:10:45,724
- Oh, let me guess.
257
00:10:45,793 --> 00:10:47,517
You're worried it's gonna kill
your sex drive?
258
00:10:47,586 --> 00:10:48,827
- So what if I am?
259
00:10:48,896 --> 00:10:52,137
- Oh, you like having sex?
Grow up.
260
00:10:52,206 --> 00:10:54,551
- I bet he's also afraid
it's gonna kill his creativity.
261
00:10:54,620 --> 00:10:56,379
- Oh, yeah, I forgot!
262
00:10:56,448 --> 00:10:58,620
Jake is
a world-renowned artist.
263
00:10:58,689 --> 00:11:00,448
- Okay.
Got it.
264
00:11:00,517 --> 00:11:04,000
Thanks for much
for the lecture, guys.
265
00:11:04,068 --> 00:11:06,620
- Then boom.
Once you're up, you're up.
266
00:11:06,689 --> 00:11:08,931
And I can stay up
for as long as I want.
267
00:11:09,000 --> 00:11:11,862
- So here are all the shapes
268
00:11:11,931 --> 00:11:14,344
Christian has rejected.
- [sighs]
269
00:11:14,413 --> 00:11:16,413
- So now we have to come up
with a new,
270
00:11:16,482 --> 00:11:18,517
totally original shape.
271
00:11:18,586 --> 00:11:20,310
- So who wants to step up
to the plate
272
00:11:20,379 --> 00:11:22,034
and take a shot at a new shape?
273
00:11:22,103 --> 00:11:24,241
Sherri?
Grab a Sharpie.
274
00:11:24,310 --> 00:11:25,482
- [sighs]
275
00:11:25,551 --> 00:11:28,689
- Go ahead
and right this ship Sherri.
276
00:11:28,758 --> 00:11:31,379
- Okay, a line.
Great start to any shape.
277
00:11:31,448 --> 00:11:33,724
- Looks like someone went
to art school.
278
00:11:35,310 --> 00:11:36,620
- Are you drugging me now?
279
00:11:36,689 --> 00:11:39,413
- It's just vitamin D.
- Matt, enough already.
280
00:11:39,482 --> 00:11:41,896
- Step aside and show us
your shape, Sherri.
281
00:11:44,310 --> 00:11:45,758
- A trapezoid?
282
00:11:45,827 --> 00:11:48,241
You think you invented
the fucking trapezoid, Sherri?
283
00:11:48,310 --> 00:11:49,586
- If you invented
the trapezoid,
284
00:11:49,655 --> 00:11:51,068
it wouldn't be called
a trapezoid.
285
00:11:51,137 --> 00:11:52,241
It would be called a Sherri.
286
00:11:52,310 --> 00:11:53,379
And you wouldn't be here.
287
00:11:53,448 --> 00:11:54,655
You'd be drowning in money,
288
00:11:54,724 --> 00:11:56,103
shouting for a ship
to bring you ashore.
289
00:11:56,172 --> 00:11:57,448
- It's a sham shape.
290
00:11:57,517 --> 00:12:00,413
Surrender the Sharpie,
sit down, and shut up, Sherri!
291
00:12:00,482 --> 00:12:01,931
- If it's so good for you,
you drink it.
292
00:12:02,000 --> 00:12:03,482
- No, Jake.
It's for you to drink.
293
00:12:03,551 --> 00:12:05,517
- Hey, what's going on
over here, Jake?
294
00:12:05,586 --> 00:12:06,862
- [sighs]
Matt started it.
295
00:12:06,931 --> 00:12:09,103
- Oh, what is this?
Kindergarten?
296
00:12:09,172 --> 00:12:11,068
We're trying to do
real adult work here,
297
00:12:11,137 --> 00:12:12,172
coming up with shapes.
298
00:12:12,241 --> 00:12:13,758
- You look like shit, Jake.
299
00:12:13,827 --> 00:12:15,517
Have you even shower or shaved?
300
00:12:15,586 --> 00:12:17,793
If you don't shape up,
we're gonna ship you out.
301
00:12:17,862 --> 00:12:19,413
- And same goes
for you, Sherri!
302
00:12:19,482 --> 00:12:22,482
- [sobbing]
303
00:12:22,551 --> 00:12:24,862
- Shit.
Sorry, Sherri.
304
00:12:24,931 --> 00:12:26,379
[Sherri continues sobbing]
305
00:12:26,448 --> 00:12:28,482
- I mean, what are the chances
he even changes the logo?
306
00:12:28,551 --> 00:12:30,551
- He loves that logo.
- Yeah, no chance.
307
00:12:30,620 --> 00:12:33,551
- Hey, guys, um,
I just wanted to say,
308
00:12:33,620 --> 00:12:35,724
I think you were a little hard
on Jake back there.
309
00:12:35,793 --> 00:12:37,620
Um, you know
how depressed he is.
310
00:12:37,689 --> 00:12:40,103
And lately,
he's stopped going to therapy,
311
00:12:40,172 --> 00:12:41,724
and I'm just a little worried
that he might--
312
00:12:41,793 --> 00:12:44,310
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
313
00:12:44,379 --> 00:12:46,586
Hold the phone.
314
00:12:46,655 --> 00:12:50,965
If you're saying that Jake
might be clinically...
315
00:12:51,034 --> 00:12:52,172
- Down in the dumps.
316
00:12:52,241 --> 00:12:54,068
- And is in any way thinking
of committing...
317
00:12:54,137 --> 00:12:55,827
- A darn shame.
318
00:12:55,896 --> 00:13:00,172
- As his immediate supervisors,
we take that very seriously...
319
00:13:00,241 --> 00:13:01,862
as a legal liability.
320
00:13:01,931 --> 00:13:06,655
- Well, not to mention that
if Jake were to--God forbid--
321
00:13:06,724 --> 00:13:08,344
he ain't getting into Heaven.
322
00:13:08,413 --> 00:13:10,379
Thems the rules
and the breaks.
323
00:13:10,448 --> 00:13:12,551
- Maybe the best thing
is just to let him go.
324
00:13:12,620 --> 00:13:14,482
We don't want any more blood
on our blouses.
325
00:13:14,551 --> 00:13:17,103
- No, I-I really don't think
you need to do that.
326
00:13:17,172 --> 00:13:19,827
I honestly just think that
he could use a little exercise.
327
00:13:19,896 --> 00:13:22,000
- Exercise.
That's perfect.
328
00:13:22,068 --> 00:13:23,551
We'll make Jake go to the gym.
329
00:13:23,620 --> 00:13:25,793
That way we can say we made
a concerted effort
330
00:13:25,862 --> 00:13:27,172
to address
any mental-health issues.
331
00:13:27,241 --> 00:13:28,827
- We'll run him like a dog.
332
00:13:28,896 --> 00:13:31,172
Get his muscles so sore,
he can't even lift a gun.
333
00:13:31,241 --> 00:13:33,310
- Perfect.
Jake will love the gym.
334
00:13:33,379 --> 00:13:35,137
- Treadmill!
- Do some swimming!
335
00:13:35,206 --> 00:13:37,482
- Free weights and cardio!
336
00:13:37,551 --> 00:13:38,862
And the showers afterwards.
337
00:13:38,931 --> 00:13:40,862
- Yeah.
- We'll all take showers.
338
00:13:40,931 --> 00:13:43,862
[upbeat music]
339
00:13:43,931 --> 00:13:48,310
♪ ♪
340
00:13:48,379 --> 00:13:50,965
- Sorry we had to take
the drawstring out of those.
341
00:13:51,034 --> 00:13:53,000
But this feels great, right?
342
00:13:53,068 --> 00:13:54,758
Aren't you loving the pain?
343
00:13:54,827 --> 00:13:56,310
- Keep your eyes
on the prize, Jake!
344
00:13:56,379 --> 00:13:57,586
There's no shortcuts to Heaven.
345
00:13:57,655 --> 00:13:59,655
We're gonna get that ass
so tight,
346
00:13:59,724 --> 00:14:01,896
the Man Upstairs
begs you to come upstairs!
347
00:14:01,965 --> 00:14:03,413
- You can do it, Jake.
348
00:14:03,482 --> 00:14:05,758
You know, a 30-minute workout
is just 2% of your day.
349
00:14:05,827 --> 00:14:07,482
♪ ♪
350
00:14:07,551 --> 00:14:09,413
- Or you could just stop
right now.
351
00:14:09,482 --> 00:14:12,103
♪ ♪
352
00:14:12,172 --> 00:14:13,103
[thud]
353
00:14:13,172 --> 00:14:14,586
all: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
354
00:14:14,655 --> 00:14:16,206
- Come on, buddy.
- Jake.
355
00:14:19,068 --> 00:14:20,310
- Here's some ice to help
the swelling.
356
00:14:20,379 --> 00:14:22,413
- Matt, that is the last thing
we need right now.
357
00:14:22,482 --> 00:14:24,344
- What happened out there
could be seen
358
00:14:24,413 --> 00:14:27,448
as an attempted whoopsie-daisy
on company premises,
359
00:14:27,517 --> 00:14:31,172
and if someone reported it, it
could be Ashley all over again.
360
00:14:31,241 --> 00:14:32,758
- Or Marcus and Mario.
361
00:14:32,827 --> 00:14:34,206
- Well, they really did
everything together.
362
00:14:34,275 --> 00:14:36,620
- Except seek help.
- I didn't try to kill myself.
363
00:14:36,689 --> 00:14:39,448
- Hey, it's not us
you have to convince.
364
00:14:39,517 --> 00:14:41,931
It's Saint Peter,
and he don't play.
365
00:14:42,000 --> 00:14:44,413
- Why don't you take
a week off work?
366
00:14:44,482 --> 00:14:46,068
That should give you some
time to dry out
367
00:14:46,137 --> 00:14:47,896
and come back happy as a clam.
368
00:14:47,965 --> 00:14:49,344
- I don't need time off.
I'm fine.
369
00:14:49,413 --> 00:14:51,724
- Oh, no.
It's not for your benefit.
370
00:14:51,793 --> 00:14:53,379
It's a legal precaution.
371
00:14:53,448 --> 00:14:55,000
It's a darn shame
you won't be paid, though.
372
00:14:55,068 --> 00:14:56,827
- But it will give you
some time alone to think.
373
00:14:56,896 --> 00:15:00,137
- [mouthing words]
- Although when I'm alone,
374
00:15:00,206 --> 00:15:02,965
I just start thinking
about where the trash goes.
375
00:15:03,034 --> 00:15:05,758
All those pudding cups
from my youth--
376
00:15:05,827 --> 00:15:07,448
where are they now?
377
00:15:07,517 --> 00:15:11,103
Still out there,
filling the landfills...
378
00:15:11,172 --> 00:15:13,241
choking the oceans.
379
00:15:13,310 --> 00:15:14,758
The birds.
[birds chirp, gunshot]
380
00:15:14,827 --> 00:15:16,379
Nope!
Nope!
381
00:15:16,448 --> 00:15:17,517
None of those thoughts.
382
00:15:17,586 --> 00:15:19,068
Let's go, team.
Keep it moving.
383
00:15:19,137 --> 00:15:20,379
Moves like Jagger!
Maroon 5!
384
00:15:20,448 --> 00:15:22,000
- John!
385
00:15:22,068 --> 00:15:24,241
[cell phone vibrates]
386
00:15:24,310 --> 00:15:27,379
[soft music]
387
00:15:27,448 --> 00:15:29,206
- Don't answer.
388
00:15:29,275 --> 00:15:32,310
They're the reason you're
like this in the first place.
389
00:15:32,379 --> 00:15:34,689
♪ ♪
390
00:15:34,758 --> 00:15:36,655
Oh, let's see if there's
anything in the fridge.
391
00:15:36,724 --> 00:15:38,413
Ah, of course there isn't.
392
00:15:38,482 --> 00:15:40,827
You haven't been to the store
in six months.
393
00:15:40,896 --> 00:15:42,896
It's crazy you can't find
a girlfriend,
394
00:15:42,965 --> 00:15:45,758
considering what a lovely place
you have here
395
00:15:45,827 --> 00:15:49,103
and, of course,
your sparkling personality.
396
00:15:49,172 --> 00:15:52,413
- ♪ Clearly
everything is fine ♪
397
00:15:52,482 --> 00:15:56,034
- [scoffs] This team sucks
even more than you.
398
00:15:56,103 --> 00:15:59,689
- ♪ Everyone else is wrong ♪
399
00:15:59,758 --> 00:16:03,241
♪ Even though they're happier
when we lose ♪
400
00:16:03,310 --> 00:16:05,448
- Not this bullshit again.
401
00:16:05,517 --> 00:16:09,172
- I talked to my doctor,
got on Shrilanka, and now...
402
00:16:09,241 --> 00:16:11,862
- I'm gonna take a dump.
403
00:16:11,931 --> 00:16:16,034
- Shrilanka is not
for everyone...
404
00:16:16,103 --> 00:16:19,586
- Hey, Jake, I'm sorry for
trying to force you to change.
405
00:16:19,655 --> 00:16:22,172
I did it 'cause
I really care about you,
406
00:16:22,241 --> 00:16:25,620
but also, I probably wanted
to feel like a hero, too.
407
00:16:25,689 --> 00:16:28,103
I hope you and your face
are doing okay.
408
00:16:28,172 --> 00:16:30,413
If you need anything,
I'm here for you.
409
00:16:30,482 --> 00:16:33,517
Love, your annoying friend,
Matt.
410
00:16:35,068 --> 00:16:37,379
- No, Matt,
I'm the annoying one.
411
00:16:37,448 --> 00:16:39,655
I really do appreciate you
trying to help me.
412
00:16:39,724 --> 00:16:41,379
I know I probably
should go on meds,
413
00:16:41,448 --> 00:16:43,137
but I'm scared
I won't be me anymore,
414
00:16:43,206 --> 00:16:44,758
even though
I don't really like
415
00:16:44,827 --> 00:16:46,655
who me is most of the time.
416
00:16:46,724 --> 00:16:48,655
But maybe
it's time I finally--
417
00:16:48,724 --> 00:16:52,137
- Wow.
You really suck at writing.
418
00:16:52,206 --> 00:16:54,862
I can't believe you majored
in English.
419
00:16:54,931 --> 00:16:56,344
Look at me.
- [sighs]
420
00:16:56,413 --> 00:16:58,448
- I think I'm Raymond Carver
or Mark Twain or something.
421
00:16:58,517 --> 00:16:59,689
[chuckles]
422
00:16:59,758 --> 00:17:01,517
By the way,
I was wondering,
423
00:17:01,586 --> 00:17:04,896
which of your ex-girlfriends do
you think resents you the most?
424
00:17:04,965 --> 00:17:06,862
[liquid splashes]
425
00:17:06,931 --> 00:17:08,862
- Pebbles.
- Wow.
426
00:17:08,931 --> 00:17:11,000
Even your cat doesn't love you.
427
00:17:11,068 --> 00:17:12,862
[ominous music]
428
00:17:12,931 --> 00:17:15,482
- Hey.
Pebbles loves me.
429
00:17:15,551 --> 00:17:17,827
- Then why did she piss
on your floor?
430
00:17:17,896 --> 00:17:21,793
- Because you told me not
to clean her litter box.
431
00:17:21,862 --> 00:17:23,310
- Look, if you weren't here,
432
00:17:23,379 --> 00:17:25,655
she's be cuddling
the coffee table leg
433
00:17:25,724 --> 00:17:28,000
or nuzzling the side
of the toilet.
434
00:17:28,068 --> 00:17:30,862
- Don't you dare talk about
my cat daughter like that.
435
00:17:30,931 --> 00:17:32,551
- Okay, Sports Boy.
[cat meows]
436
00:17:32,620 --> 00:17:34,724
If you want to believe
your cat loves you, fine.
437
00:17:34,793 --> 00:17:37,379
But have I ever lied
to you before?
438
00:17:37,448 --> 00:17:39,586
♪ ♪
439
00:17:42,103 --> 00:17:45,413
[dramatic music]
440
00:17:45,482 --> 00:17:48,241
- What the hell are you doing?
441
00:17:48,310 --> 00:17:50,241
- I'm going for a jog.
442
00:17:50,310 --> 00:17:52,448
- [chuckles]
Good one.
443
00:17:52,517 --> 00:17:54,586
Okay, look,
you made your point.
444
00:17:54,655 --> 00:17:57,103
I'm sorry I insulted
your stupid cat.
445
00:17:57,172 --> 00:17:59,413
I know you don't want to go
for a jog,
446
00:17:59,482 --> 00:18:02,724
not when you could take a nap
in your comfy bed.
447
00:18:02,793 --> 00:18:05,310
- I can't nap because
you gave me insomnia.
448
00:18:05,379 --> 00:18:07,172
- That doesn't mean you can't
curl up with a blanket,
449
00:18:07,241 --> 00:18:09,137
close your eyes, and think
about all your problems.
450
00:18:09,206 --> 00:18:10,724
Wait!
451
00:18:12,000 --> 00:18:14,310
You don't really want
to go for a run.
452
00:18:14,379 --> 00:18:16,689
You're lazy and weak.
453
00:18:16,758 --> 00:18:20,068
But it's okay.
I understand.
454
00:18:20,137 --> 00:18:22,482
Look, I know you better than
you know yourself.
455
00:18:22,551 --> 00:18:25,310
I've been watching over
you since you were a kid.
456
00:18:25,379 --> 00:18:27,551
In fact, I've been in
your family for centuries,
457
00:18:27,620 --> 00:18:30,344
watching over generation
after generation
458
00:18:30,413 --> 00:18:32,379
of depressed Levinsons.
459
00:18:32,448 --> 00:18:35,448
You won't leave,
you can't leave,
460
00:18:35,517 --> 00:18:39,793
because you belong here
with me, Sports Boy.
461
00:18:39,862 --> 00:18:42,310
[somber music]
462
00:18:42,379 --> 00:18:43,862
- Wow.
463
00:18:43,931 --> 00:18:45,862
You really suck
at giving speeches.
464
00:18:45,931 --> 00:18:47,482
- Huh?
465
00:18:47,551 --> 00:18:49,724
- Well,
guess I better get to it.
466
00:18:49,793 --> 00:18:52,137
[groans]
As my best friend like to say,
467
00:18:52,206 --> 00:18:56,827
"You know, a 30-minute workout
is just 2% of your day."
468
00:18:56,896 --> 00:19:00,310
- [echoing]
Sports Boy!
469
00:19:00,379 --> 00:19:03,379
[dramatic music]
470
00:19:03,448 --> 00:19:07,965
♪ ♪
471
00:19:08,034 --> 00:19:10,517
- [coughs]
472
00:19:10,586 --> 00:19:17,620
♪ ♪
473
00:19:23,551 --> 00:19:25,620
[upbeat music]
474
00:19:25,689 --> 00:19:28,896
- I talked to my doctor,
got on Shrilanka,
475
00:19:28,965 --> 00:19:31,793
and now
I can enjoy life again.
476
00:19:31,862 --> 00:19:34,896
- [scoffs] So I finally read
Matt's short stories,
477
00:19:34,965 --> 00:19:37,241
and I'm pretty sure
he plagiarized them
478
00:19:37,310 --> 00:19:38,689
from Raymond Carver.
479
00:19:38,758 --> 00:19:40,620
- We should totally get Matt
on meds.
480
00:19:40,689 --> 00:19:42,379
That way he'll lose
his creativity,
481
00:19:42,448 --> 00:19:43,689
and he'll stop writing forever.
482
00:19:43,758 --> 00:19:45,862
[laughter]
483
00:19:45,931 --> 00:19:48,413
- All right, back to the grind.
484
00:19:48,482 --> 00:19:50,379
[both straining]
485
00:19:50,448 --> 00:19:52,862
- Change is never easy,
486
00:19:52,931 --> 00:19:57,862
but we have finally decided
on a new shape for our logo.
487
00:19:57,931 --> 00:19:59,068
- Square!
[chuckles]
488
00:19:59,137 --> 00:20:00,413
It seems obvious now.
489
00:20:00,482 --> 00:20:02,068
It's like
a four-sided triangle.
490
00:20:02,137 --> 00:20:06,068
- So are we all okay
with this shape?
491
00:20:06,137 --> 00:20:09,275
Jake, how does this shape
make you feel?
492
00:20:09,344 --> 00:20:10,689
- I feel fine.
493
00:20:10,758 --> 00:20:11,862
- Oh, wow.
494
00:20:11,931 --> 00:20:13,103
It's a Chanukah miracle.
495
00:20:13,172 --> 00:20:14,413
- Great.
We're all set.
496
00:20:14,482 --> 00:20:17,586
So now all we have to do
is select a color.
497
00:20:17,655 --> 00:20:19,379
- Hmm.
- Should be simple.
498
00:20:19,448 --> 00:20:21,103
Sherri, want to get us started?
499
00:20:21,172 --> 00:20:22,586
- Well, don't be shy, Sherri!
500
00:20:22,655 --> 00:20:24,655
Shimmy on up here
and select a shade.
501
00:20:24,724 --> 00:20:26,620
- So the meds
seem to be working.
502
00:20:26,689 --> 00:20:27,965
- I do feel a little better.
503
00:20:28,034 --> 00:20:30,137
I mean, I still think
everything is terrible
504
00:20:30,206 --> 00:20:31,379
and life is pointless,
505
00:20:31,448 --> 00:20:33,206
but it's just not that big
of a deal anymore.
506
00:20:33,275 --> 00:20:34,655
So, thanks.
507
00:20:34,724 --> 00:20:37,689
- Well, then it looks like
my work here is done.
508
00:20:37,758 --> 00:20:39,551
- It wasn't you,
and the work's not done.
509
00:20:39,620 --> 00:20:41,448
Managing my depression
will take constant effort
510
00:20:41,517 --> 00:20:43,000
for the rest of my life.
511
00:20:43,068 --> 00:20:46,000
- [British accent] ♪ No, Jake,
you just misspoke ♪
512
00:20:46,068 --> 00:20:49,068
♪ I annoyed you until
you broke ♪
513
00:20:49,137 --> 00:20:51,965
♪ I cured you of your sorrow ♪
514
00:20:52,034 --> 00:20:55,034
♪ Which sad soul
will I save tomorrow? ♪
515
00:20:55,103 --> 00:20:58,448
♪ Now I'll fly away
on my parasol ♪
516
00:20:58,517 --> 00:21:00,862
♪ God, I hope I don't fall ♪
517
00:21:00,931 --> 00:21:04,000
♪ But if I do,
don't feel blue ♪
518
00:21:04,068 --> 00:21:08,103
♪ Just publish my short stories
posthumously ♪
37907
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