Original subtitles

all: ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday, dear Jake ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

- Make a wish, Jakey boy.

[cheers and applause]

- I wish you could stay our perfect little boy forever.

- Good night, Super Bowl champ.

You're my favorite sports boy.

Go, Giants. - Good night, Dad.

Go, Giants.

[light music]

- Do you think he has pubes yet?

- I don't think so.

♪ ♪

[wind howls]

- Happy birthday, Jake.

[suspenseful music]

Oh, don't worry. I'm not here to hurt you.

I'm actually here to give you one more birthday gift--

the truth about life.

Well, your parents like to tell you that life is good

and that you're worthy of love.

But your parents are lying liars.

Remember when they told you Santa Claus was real?

That was extra fucked up because you're Jewish.

I'm Jewish, too.

Anyway, I'm here to tell you that life is fundamentally bad.

But don't let that get you down.

I'm your new best friend,

and I'll be with you the rest of your life

till the day you die, Sports Boy.

Oh, and by the way, you suck at sports.

- Oh, well,

thanks for telling me, Black Dog.

- No problem, buddy. Have a good night.

Oh, I almost forgot.

You have insomnia now,

so it will actually be a pretty bad night.

♪ ♪

- [sighs]

[indistinct chatter, telephones ringing]

[thud]

- [sighs] You know, a 30-minute workout is just 2% of your day.

- You can't possibly think

you're gonna convince me to go to the gym during lunch.

Come on, you could lose weight.

I lost seven pounds in six weeks.

At this rate, I'll lose more pounds in more weeks.

- Thanks, but I actually lost a bunch of weight recently.

My belt stopped fitting around my neck

the same way that it used to.

- Well, for the record, I tried to help you feel better.

- Was that a suicide joke or a masturbation joke?

- What's the difference? We're all gonna die.

- [chuckles] Attaboy!

[rock music]

♪ ♪

[classical music]

♪ ♪

- [groans] I'm proud of myself.

I finally got you to come to the gym.

- It had nothing to do with you.

Getting swole has been in my calendar forever.

- Now I've just got to convince Jake to come.

- Ugh. If you really want to help Jake,

convince him to go on meds.

I've been trying for years.

- You think Jake should be on meds?

- He jokes about killing himself ten times a day.

Don't you ever worry about him?

- There was this one time when Jake was late to pick me up.

You know how he's always on time.

Well, he was five minutes late,

and I immediately assumed he'd killed himself.

I imagined myself at his funeral.

And I gave a pretty good eulogy.

It could make you laugh, it could make you cry.

By the time he showed up, I was genuinely disappointed.

'cause it was some of the best writing

I've ever done in my life.

I got back into creative writing after that.

I wrote a couple short stories, half a novella.

If you wanted to read them, I could email them to you.

- Matt, do not send me your short stories.

- I'll send 'em over. - [groans]

- It has come to our attention that our logo bears

a slight resemblance to an evil company's logo in a video game.

- Yeah, personally, I don't see it.

But the gamer community wants all of our heads on sticks.

- So our goal now is to redirect gamers' hatred

away from us and back towards women.

- Just as God intended.

- Christian wants us to explore the idea of a new logo.

- Yeah.

- Every logo begins with a shape.

So let's look at some shapes

and just do a little free association.

- Okay, let's do it. - Okay? All right.

How about a cylinder? - Cylinder!

Uh, Pringles.

Uh, once you pop, the fun don't stop.

Uh, bop it, twist it...

- A metal pipe to bludgeon myself with

so I can get out of this meeting.

- Right round, baby, right round.

- How about a rectangle? - Rectangle.

Uh, a door.

Uh, uh--no, no, no. The Doors!

- The coffin I'll be resting peacefully in

after I bludgeon myself to death.

- Legendary bands. Maroon 5!

- Uh, how about a semi-circle?

- Semi-charmed kind of life. Third Eye Blind.

- The tombstone above my grave that reads "here lies Jake.

He died doing what he hated, being alive."

- Do you realize you joke about suicide, like, ten times a day?

- No, I joke about suicide six times a day.

The other four are sincere threats.

- [chuckles] Whoo!

Getting amped up now.

Ooh, amps? Electric guitar?

Bands? Maroon 5!

- John, shut the fuck up!

[upbeat rock music]

♪ ♪

- Ugh.

♪ ♪

- Are you gonna clean that bird shit off your windshield?

- I can see fine.

- Why don't you just use your wiper fluid?

- I don't think my car has that.

- Isn't it this?

♪ ♪

- Oh. Weird.

Well, whatever.

I guess now I won't die in a car accident.

Thanks a lot, Matt.

♪ ♪

- Maybe you should go on meds.

[dramatic note]

- There it is.

Yet another good friend who insists you lobotomize yourself

by going on meds.

- Well, I'd happily swallow a cyanide pill right now

if it would get me out of this conversation.

- Jake, you're miserable.

There are easy things that you could do to improve your life.

And I'm gonna help you do them, whether you like it or not.

And you're gonna like it!

- You know, I had a lot of lovely things to say about you

in my suicide note,

but I might have to revise it if you keep trying to fix me

like some modern-day Mary Poppins.

- I'm not Mary Poppins. I'm Matty Poppins.

And I'm going to jam that spoonful of sugar

down your fucking throat until the medicine goes down.

Oh, and it will not be easy, but it will go down.

- I'm fine with that,

as long as it leads to me ODing.

- Nice!

Four suicide jokes in a row. You're on fire.

[soft music]

♪ ♪

[yawns]

Home, disgusting home.

- Hi, Pebbles. [cat meows]

[groans]

- Well, don't clean it.

The cat's just gonna shit in it again.

- It smells pretty bad. - Right, but only to you.

- Great point.

- I only make great points.

[bright music]

♪ ♪

[doorbell rings]

- Matt?

But I dropped you off at your house.

What are you doing at mine?

- [British accent] Never mind all that.

Out of the way you go.

♪ ♪

No wonder you're clinically depressed.

This place is a mess!

But don't despair.

We'll simply clean up your lair.

- No, I'll never accept your help.

- [chuckles]

If I had a tuppence for every time I've heard that,

I could buy a lorry.

♪ The cure for depression ♪

♪ Is to change your expression ♪

♪ From a frown to a smile ♪

♪ Take a tip from this dapper Gentile ♪

♪ If you think the world is a pointless mess ♪

♪ Simply choose not to stress ♪

♪ And you'll see it's easy ♪

♪ As changing your brain chemistry ♪

If all you eat is junk, no wonder you're in a funk.

But if you eat organic,

your self-hatred won't be so volcanic.

If you resolve your deep-seated issues,

you'll have no more use for tissues.

[goofy slide whistle plays]

And if you right your poster,

there'll be no need to bathe with your toaster.

[bell dinging]

♪ ♪

[whooshing]

[straining]

[sighs]

That was a tricky little fellow.

[cheerful music]

You know, a 30-minute workout is just 2% of your day.

♪ Your simple objective is to change your perspective ♪

[cat meows] ♪ A frown becomes a smile ♪

♪ When you pretend that life is worthwhile ♪

♪ If you think the world is an open sewer ♪

♪ Just put your clothes in the drawer ♪

♪ And you'll see ♪ - ♪ And you'll see ♪

- ♪ It's easy ♪ - ♪ It's easy ♪

both: ♪ To stop thinking the thoughts that you think ♪

- [sighs]

[doorbell buzzes]

[sports announcer speaking indistinctly on TV]

- These fucking refs don't know

what they're fucking talking about.

- What the fuck are you doing here?

- [normal voice] I brought you leafy greens.

I read on the cover of "Men's Health" magazine

that a healthy diet can help alleviate depression.

Jake, just let me help you turn your life around!

- Matt, stop it!

- Jake, eat the lettuce. It's good for you.

- I only eat food off the floor on my terms!

Stop it!

- I talked to my doctor, got on Shrilanka,

and now I can enjoy life again.

- You know ads like this are illegal in other countries?

I can't believe anyone takes that shit.

- Jake, are you not on meds?

- Yeah, I'm on meds,

and I'm way less fucked up than you are.

What are you, like,

a Jewish-Amish-Scientologist -Christian Scientist?

- Sorry if I don't want to deal with the insane side effects.

- It's really not that bad.

It just get really dizzy if I get up too fast.

So now I just get up like this.

[groans softly]

- Well, whatever.

I don't want my personality lobotomized

by some stupid pill.

- You don't even like your personality.

You hate yourself more than anyone.

- Oh, let me guess.

You're worried it's gonna kill your sex drive?

- So what if I am?

- Oh, you like having sex? Grow up.

- I bet he's also afraid it's gonna kill his creativity.

- Oh, yeah, I forgot!

Jake is a world-renowned artist.

- Okay. Got it.

Thanks for much for the lecture, guys.

- Then boom. Once you're up, you're up.

And I can stay up for as long as I want.

- So here are all the shapes

Christian has rejected. - [sighs]

- So now we have to come up with a new,

totally original shape.

- So who wants to step up to the plate

and take a shot at a new shape?

Sherri? Grab a Sharpie.

- [sighs]

- Go ahead and right this ship Sherri.

- Okay, a line. Great start to any shape.

- Looks like someone went to art school.

- Are you drugging me now?

- It's just vitamin D. - Matt, enough already.

- Step aside and show us your shape, Sherri.

- A trapezoid?

You think you invented the fucking trapezoid, Sherri?

- If you invented the trapezoid,

it wouldn't be called a trapezoid.

It would be called a Sherri.

And you wouldn't be here.

You'd be drowning in money,

shouting for a ship to bring you ashore.

- It's a sham shape.

Surrender the Sharpie, sit down, and shut up, Sherri!

- If it's so good for you, you drink it.

- No, Jake. It's for you to drink.

- Hey, what's going on over here, Jake?

- [sighs] Matt started it.

- Oh, what is this? Kindergarten?

We're trying to do real adult work here,

coming up with shapes.

- You look like shit, Jake.

Have you even shower or shaved?

If you don't shape up, we're gonna ship you out.

- And same goes for you, Sherri!

- [sobbing]

- Shit. Sorry, Sherri.

[Sherri continues sobbing]

- I mean, what are the chances he even changes the logo?

- He loves that logo. - Yeah, no chance.

- Hey, guys, um, I just wanted to say,

I think you were a little hard on Jake back there.

Um, you know how depressed he is.

And lately, he's stopped going to therapy,

and I'm just a little worried that he might--

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hold the phone.

If you're saying that Jake might be clinically...

- Down in the dumps.

- And is in any way thinking of committing...

- A darn shame.

- As his immediate supervisors, we take that very seriously...

as a legal liability.

- Well, not to mention that if Jake were to--God forbid--

he ain't getting into Heaven.

Thems the rules and the breaks.

- Maybe the best thing is just to let him go.

We don't want any more blood on our blouses.

- No, I-I really don't think you need to do that.

I honestly just think that he could use a little exercise.

- Exercise. That's perfect.

We'll make Jake go to the gym.

That way we can say we made a concerted effort

to address any mental-health issues.

- We'll run him like a dog.

Get his muscles so sore, he can't even lift a gun.

- Perfect. Jake will love the gym.

- Treadmill! - Do some swimming!

- Free weights and cardio!

And the showers afterwards.

- Yeah. - We'll all take showers.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- Sorry we had to take the drawstring out of those.

But this feels great, right?

Aren't you loving the pain?

- Keep your eyes on the prize, Jake!

There's no shortcuts to Heaven.

We're gonna get that ass so tight,

the Man Upstairs begs you to come upstairs!

- You can do it, Jake.

You know, a 30-minute workout is just 2% of your day.

♪ ♪

- Or you could just stop right now.

♪ ♪

[thud]

all: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

- Come on, buddy. - Jake.

- Here's some ice to help the swelling.

- Matt, that is the last thing we need right now.

- What happened out there could be seen

as an attempted whoopsie-daisy on company premises,

and if someone reported it, it could be Ashley all over again.

- Or Marcus and Mario.

- Well, they really did everything together.

- Except seek help. - I didn't try to kill myself.

- Hey, it's not us you have to convince.

It's Saint Peter, and he don't play.

- Why don't you take a week off work?

That should give you some time to dry out

and come back happy as a clam.

- I don't need time off. I'm fine.

- Oh, no. It's not for your benefit.

It's a legal precaution.

It's a darn shame you won't be paid, though.

- But it will give you some time alone to think.

- [mouthing words] - Although when I'm alone,

I just start thinking about where the trash goes.

All those pudding cups from my youth--

where are they now?

Still out there, filling the landfills...

choking the oceans.

The birds. [birds chirp, gunshot]

Nope! Nope!

None of those thoughts.

Let's go, team. Keep it moving.

Moves like Jagger! Maroon 5!

- John!

[cell phone vibrates]

[soft music]

- Don't answer.

They're the reason you're like this in the first place.

♪ ♪

Oh, let's see if there's anything in the fridge.

Ah, of course there isn't.

You haven't been to the store in six months.

It's crazy you can't find a girlfriend,

considering what a lovely place you have here

and, of course, your sparkling personality.

- ♪ Clearly everything is fine ♪

- [scoffs] This team sucks even more than you.

- ♪ Everyone else is wrong ♪

♪ Even though they're happier when we lose ♪

- Not this bullshit again.

- I talked to my doctor, got on Shrilanka, and now...

- I'm gonna take a dump.

- Shrilanka is not for everyone...

- Hey, Jake, I'm sorry for trying to force you to change.

I did it 'cause I really care about you,

but also, I probably wanted to feel like a hero, too.

I hope you and your face are doing okay.

If you need anything, I'm here for you.

Love, your annoying friend, Matt.

- No, Matt, I'm the annoying one.

I really do appreciate you trying to help me.

I know I probably should go on meds,

but I'm scared I won't be me anymore,

even though I don't really like

who me is most of the time.

But maybe it's time I finally--

- Wow. You really suck at writing.

I can't believe you majored in English.

Look at me. - [sighs]

- I think I'm Raymond Carver or Mark Twain or something.

[chuckles]

By the way, I was wondering,

which of your ex-girlfriends do you think resents you the most?

[liquid splashes]

- Pebbles. - Wow.

Even your cat doesn't love you.

[ominous music]

- Hey. Pebbles loves me.

- Then why did she piss on your floor?

- Because you told me not to clean her litter box.

- Look, if you weren't here,

she's be cuddling the coffee table leg

or nuzzling the side of the toilet.

- Don't you dare talk about my cat daughter like that.

- Okay, Sports Boy. [cat meows]

If you want to believe your cat loves you, fine.

But have I ever lied to you before?

♪ ♪

[dramatic music]

- What the hell are you doing?

- I'm going for a jog.

- [chuckles] Good one.

Okay, look, you made your point.

I'm sorry I insulted your stupid cat.

I know you don't want to go for a jog,

not when you could take a nap in your comfy bed.

- I can't nap because you gave me insomnia.

- That doesn't mean you can't curl up with a blanket,

close your eyes, and think about all your problems.

Wait!

You don't really want to go for a run.

You're lazy and weak.

But it's okay. I understand.

Look, I know you better than you know yourself.

I've been watching over you since you were a kid.

In fact, I've been in your family for centuries,

watching over generation after generation

of depressed Levinsons.

You won't leave, you can't leave,

because you belong here with me, Sports Boy.

[somber music]

- Wow.

You really suck at giving speeches.

- Huh?

- Well, guess I better get to it.

[groans] As my best friend like to say,

"You know, a 30-minute workout is just 2% of your day."

- [echoing] Sports Boy!

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

- [coughs]

♪ ♪

[upbeat music]

- I talked to my doctor, got on Shrilanka,

and now I can enjoy life again.

- [scoffs] So I finally read Matt's short stories,

and I'm pretty sure he plagiarized them

from Raymond Carver.

- We should totally get Matt on meds.

That way he'll lose his creativity,

and he'll stop writing forever.

[laughter]

- All right, back to the grind.

[both straining]

- Change is never easy,

but we have finally decided on a new shape for our logo.

- Square! [chuckles]

It seems obvious now.

It's like a four-sided triangle.

- So are we all okay with this shape?

Jake, how does this shape make you feel?

- I feel fine.

- Oh, wow.

It's a Chanukah miracle.

- Great. We're all set.

So now all we have to do is select a color.

- Hmm. - Should be simple.

Sherri, want to get us started?

- Well, don't be shy, Sherri!

Shimmy on up here and select a shade.

- So the meds seem to be working.

- I do feel a little better.

I mean, I still think everything is terrible

and life is pointless,

but it's just not that big of a deal anymore.

So, thanks.

- Well, then it looks like my work here is done.

- It wasn't you, and the work's not done.

Managing my depression will take constant effort

for the rest of my life.

- [British accent] ♪ No, Jake, you just misspoke ♪

♪ I annoyed you until you broke ♪

♪ I cured you of your sorrow ♪

♪ Which sad soul will I save tomorrow? ♪

♪ Now I'll fly away on my parasol ♪

♪ God, I hope I don't fall ♪

♪ But if I do, don't feel blue ♪

♪ Just publish my short stories posthumously ♪