Original subtitles

'Kin hell, you're holding me up...

Yeah, you are.

Trying to get a wriggle on for you, and you keep bellin' me up.

Yeah, I've got the Tutankhamun. Listen, I'll be ten minutes.

Ten minutes.

Or maybe less.

Oh, shit...

Spontaneous theft. Christ, it's been ages since I did one of them.

Can you see to it?

Yeah. I'll scratch the ceiling and then give it a little spray.

You checked around?

Not yet. You do the front. I'll do the back.

- No way! - What is it? - Antiques. - Antiques? - Yeah.

Nicked it from outside this antique shop in Walburn.

- The hell is this? - Oh! That's an old dildo.

- No, it's not. - Course it is!

- It can't be. - Look at the bellend.

Let's take it down to the pawn shop. Sly Si will be all over these, man.

Be safe.

There he is. Top shagger. How's it going, Si?

All right, Vin.

- What have you got for me? - I'll tell you what I've got for you.

Some genuine, none of your replica shit, antiques there.

Antiques?

Silver spoons, snuff box, flintlock guns, some sort of...

weird...

A weird table ornament thing.

Nice. Nice.

She's a beaut.

- Hmm. Get out! - I know, it's big, innit?

- Is this for horses? - "Is it for..." For horses?

- It's got a horse on it. - Yeah, but it's...

It's fucking decorative.

Yeah, why would a horse want a dildo?

- "Decorative". - Yeah. It's for looking at while you...

- Do you want to buy it or not? - No, it's too weird for me.

This is a pawn shop, not a porn shop.

I'll have the rest, though.

- Two hundred. - Three hundred.

- Two. - Two-fifty.

Two.

- Two-two-five. - Two. - For fu...

Done.

Shit.

What are you doing in that? Get out of her!

Hey! Have you been conducting criminal business in my princess?

Oi! Calm down. I'm doing you a favour. JJ asked me to drop it off for you.

Is it fixed?

No, no. He told me, "Return it, it's still broke."

How's she driving?

It's good. Said she's got years in her. "Beast."

- They were the words he used. - "Beast," eh?

See? See?

Him, next door, He-Man, Master of the Universe...

Mockin' me, he was.

It's not funny!

He drove past in his blue... thing. Japanese Tonka-type.

What he doesn't realise is that this is a classic, proper machinery,

built to last by British hands, eh?

That's the trouble with the Europeans, you know?

No, no, no.

Boring, boring. I've got things to do.

Each to their own, son. Each to their own.

Vaslowsky...

- See you managed to resuscitate her. - Uh, you what? Hey...

Workhorse, this, mate. A beast. Live forever.

Not like this... commun-y car.

Jealousy, jealousy.

"Jealous"? This is a man's truck.

Hey, my dad had this before me,

and my son... if I had one, would have it after.

Hey, listen to this, eh?

Hear it and weep!

2.4 diesel, four-cylinder.

The most powerful street vehicle ever produced!

It's like a symphony.

I'll tell you what, this'll beat that in a race, mate.

Yeah, I'll bet, while this is in reverse.

You cheeky bastard.

You look like a girl with that haircut!

Hey, there's nothing wrong with this hair.

Eh!

What a beast! What a bad boy!

Laughing, are you? Huh?

You!

- See what you made me do! - I'm gonna fucking...

- You made me do that! - My windscreen, you prick!

Jim... Jim! Oi!

Jim?

Jim, I'm sorry...

Cunt.

Ah! Oh, watch out. There you go.

Right, remember, after-school club tonight.

I've written Mrs Worthington a note, but Marcus will be there.

- Yeah. - Yeah, so you'll have fun.

Listen, Mummy's got her last two exams today,

so when they're over, Mummy won't have to work so hard.

Yeah! - Yeah! Yeah!

Dylan's gonna take you to school and I'll pick you up, yeah?

OK. Love you, baby. Bye.

- All right, wish me luck. - Good luck! You don't need it.

Ah.

Ay up, Si. Do you want it after all?

Vin, where did you get them antiques?

You know the rules. Ask me no questions, I'll tell you no lies.

- Si, listen, you know... - Fuck the rules. I'm in deep shit here.

You just tell me where you nicked them antiques from.

I didn't nick... Well, I did.

I nicked a car, and the antiques, they were in the boot.

- What's going on? - Just get down here.

- Why? - Just get down here now.

Don't tell anyone you're coming.

All right. Si, what's going... Si?

Oi!

Get up, you little fucker. Get up!

History lesson for you, Vinnie.

I know you're not well-educated, so, uh... let me enlighten you.

The term "dildo" was first coined in around 1400 AD.

It originates from the Latin dilatare,

which means 'open wide'.

The dick, Vincent.

The penis, the slongker, the cock, the old fella...

has been revered and replicated since the start of humanity.

And now, you...

and you...

are about to lose yours.

No. Please. It was in...

Shut it.

- Where's my antique dildo? - On a farm.

- Which farm? - Jim's farm.

I can get it back, though.

- Who stole 'em? - I don't know.

- Who was driving the car you nicked? - I don't know...

Oh, fuck!

A young guy.

Fuck, I didn't really see him. He might have had... brown hair.

Told you, didn't I? In the hospital, do you remember?

I said, "If our paths cross again."

I know, but all this...

I didn't know it had your things in it, and I'll get 'em back!

I'll fuck... I'll get you whatever you want!

- Cut his dick off. - No, no, no! Give me an hour!

Give me one hour!

I know where it is. This is just a mistake, this.

- All right, you, trousers off. - What?

I could find out the owner of that car. I fucking can...

I'll find out... I'll get it back.

My friend's a mechanic.

Fucking trousers off!

My friend's a mechanic...

- Boxers. - Fuck...

Boxers.

Mr McCann... No! Wait, wait!

Just... Just... Don't...

All right, now, say bye-bye to it.

Why? Why?

- Say bye-bye. - Fuck... This is fucking madness, man.

- Say it! - Bye, bye, bye... bye.

Properly.

You can't do this. Don't...

Please don't cut my dick off in a pawn shop, man.

- Don't... Don't... - Vin! - Fuck!

You will always remember the moment before you become dickless.

It's the end of one life and the start of another.

Pre and post-dick.

I have been badly betrayed,

and the only people with knowledge of my antiques

are people that know my house, people who come and go,

people with regular access.

I want to fucking know.

I have to fucking know.

I can find out.

I fucking can. I can find out.

OK...

You find out who took that dildo, you keep your dick.

You don't, it comes off.

- Do we understand ourselves? - Yeah.

Do we fucking understand each other?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes.

- So, it went well? - Yeah, it was firing outta me.

Know that feeling when you're trying to grab it from your brain

and then slam it perfectly in a piece of paper?

In semi-coherent sentences, yeah.

I'm sure you did great. What's now?

Uh, marketing.

Feeling all right about it, actually.

I'd done so much revision for it.

- I'll be surprised... - Erin.

Dylan, what's happened?

I need to talk to you. In private.

Well, um, we're on the way to the last exam. It starts in five minutes.

- Dylan... - What?

- Come on. - Dylan, what the fuck? What is it?

Now, start talking.

Shit.

- All right, look, Dylan... - Is it gone?

You're not showing and, what, this is weeks ago, so...

is it gone?

Yeah.

Was it mine?

What?

Or was it his? Fucking... college boy.

Because if you wanna have a secret abortion,

then it can't have been mine, can it, because...

Because we're a couple and there is no fucking way, yeah,

that you would go off on your own and have my baby fucking killed!

It was yours.

Look, I'm sorry, OK. It was a mistake. I messed up with the pill.

We were shagging half that month, do you remember? It was...

It was never meant to happen. We hadn't planned it, discussed it.

So, you just got rid of it, yeah? Without...

- Without so much as... - I'm sorry. I...

Dylan, I need to go to this exam, honestly.

- If I'm not in that room... - Fuck your exam!

All right, I didn't tell you, not because I don't love you,

cos I knew you'd make it difficult for me.

I couldn't face it.

I've already had a kid by mistake once.

I didn't want another one, not now, not here, not in this shit-hole we're in.

Not with me?

- That's what you're saying. - I'm not saying that!

Kept Vinnie's one though, didn't you?

How did you know that? Has Vinnie said something to you?

No, my best friend didn't tell me anything.

I heard you talking.

When Ronnie was here, you and Vinnie were talking about Tyler.

When did you screw him?

Right, we were both off our heads. We weren't even together then!

Right. Something else you didn't tell me. Was he good?

- Dylan! - Was he fucking good, Erin?

- My best mate that you shagged! - It was a mistake.

- Another one? - Yes, another one.

And I didn't wanna tell anyone, because I thought it'd be better that I didn't...

I'm sorry.

Honestly, I really need to go. I need to do this.

Am I... Do I mean that little to you?

No.

Am I so low on your fucking list?

Fuck you, Erin. Fuck you, for getting rid of that kid.

- Dylan... - I'm sick of trying to please you.

I'm sick of feeling like I'm not good enough.

And do you know what?

Fucking hell, I always wanted to keep my mouth shut about Vinnie and Tyler.

For all of us. Just let it ride. But this...

it's unforgivable.

Dylan! Dylan!

Do your exam!

- Erin... - No. I'm OK. Just one minute.

Whatever's happened, you need to go. You've got two minutes.

- Now you have to... - I can't, I can't!

If they close that door, you've missed it.

Oh, shit.

Parcel it away for two hours. Put it in a box, do not look at it. Come on.

- No! - Come on!

It'll still be here, afterwards, waiting for you. Please, Erin.

All right, look, I... I'm gonna pull you.

I don't want to hurt you, but I will drag you to that exam. Come on.

Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey...

Look, she's here. Please, it's five seconds.

Jim! Jim! Jim!

- What? - I need the...

- What the fuck's happened to you? - That blonde bastard attacked me.

Almost killed me, he did.

- I'm pressing charges. It's GBH. - Yeah.

It's violent assault. I don't know what it is but...

Jim! Listen, the antique... I left it in your Land Rover, where is it now?

- Cock-shaped? - Yeah.

That's what the bastard threw at me!

What do you mean? How is he throwing it at you when I left it in your truck?

I know, but, um...

I kind of, uh... I threw it at... not him!

- His car! - Where is it now?

No idea. Take it up with that Polish prick.

Oh, you... Fuck, dude.

Shirley?

Shirley! Fuck!

- Shirley! - What do you want?

- The object you threw at Jim, it's mine. - That dildo?

- Yeah, where is it? - The dog's got it. Why have...

- The dog's got it? - Petula, she's got it.

- But she's not chewed it, has she? - Course she's chewed it.

What do you think? Pleasured herself?

- Where's the dog now? - In the barn.

As far as I'm concerned, it's hers now. Finders keepers.

"Finders keepers." It's thousands of years old.

- Your stupid hair... - Hey! Not the hair!

It's a good job I'm not wearing my yard boots! Shit...

Petula! Pet... Shit.

Shit... Petula, Petula.

Oh, fuck.

Be cool, will ya? It's gonna be all right.

Everything's all right. Everything's good.

Just come to get my dildo.

Cool, be cool...

Petula...

Petula. Please, please. Be careful with the shaft!

Careful with the bellend! My dick depends on this!

My dick depends on this! Please let go!

Let go. Don't, don't, don't... Shit. Shit. No, no, no.

Petu... Petu... Petula, Petula!

It's an antique. It's an antique.

You're chewing the eye, dude.

You're chewing... You're chewing the urethra.

The bellend! I knew it! You chewed the bellend!

Take your dildo, get off my farm.

That's been inside ancient fannies. Now Petula's had her chops around it.

Tell someone who gives a shit.

JJ! J... Shit!

J... JJ! Tom!

Tom? Thomas!

- Where's JJ at? - Over there. - Shit.

JJ? JJ. JJ, dude.

The fucking car, the car that I nicked, where is it?

Gone, sold it. How good is that?

Oh, no, that's not good. It's not good at all!

- I need it back! - Why? Whose is it?

We need to find out. Still got the original plates?

You all right, Vin?

No, I'm not! I'm very much not all right, dude!

The fucking antiques, that big dildo, that all belongs to Terence McCann.

He's gonna cut my dick off.

- Hang about, a dildo? Terence McCann? - Shh. Thomas, we don't have time.

You need to find that car, find them plates, dude.

All right, OK. He said...

JJ, he said he was gonna cut my dick off.

Nearly cut it off at the fucking pawn shop...

- Oh! Bingo! - Yeah? Found it?

- No, not that. Bingo balls. - Oh, come on...

Who throws them away?

Young and keen, 14. Knock at the door, 24.

Oh, hang on. Your favourite, madam, 69.

- Here! - Found it? Is that it?

- Yeah. - Which one?

- I can't remember. - Fuck! Think about it, dude. Come on, man!

All right, OK. Well, this one's newer.

- It was older, wasn't it? - Come on.

- That one. - That one? Sure? - Yeah. I think.

- You think? - Yeah. - Fuck!

- The office, dude. Come to the office. - Blind 90...

Hang on!

Audi, '80, green, and the owner is...

Gary Cullen.

Abracadabra's!

- Ring it again. - No! No, you don't.

- Who's dead now? What do you want? - You had a vehicle nicked? - Me? No. Why?

A car registered to this address got nicked and brought to my garage.

- What the fuck? Right... - You better start talking.

I lent it to a mate. I know that sounds lame, but I genuinely did.

- Mentioned it's been nicked, no? - No. Not yet.

- Who's the mate? - You don't know him. - Give us his name.

Steve. What's the deal? Did you bring my car back?

If you brought it back, ta. I'll give you a free embalming.

- Shut up. We need to talk to him. - Why?

Because your mate Steve has landed us all in a lot of shit over here.

- Give us his... Call him up. - No.

- Give me his number. - What did he do?

- Give me his fucking number... - Oh, Jesus Christ!

I swear to God, Gary, I'll rip your head off.

All right! Relax! Don't roast the toast. Fuck!

Never should have let him take it. Can't be fucking trusted.

Here. Answer machine.

Hi, this is Stephen McCann. Leave a message and I'll call you back.

"McCann"?

"Stephen McCann."

- I know you're Tyler's father. - Fucking hell.

That hurt.

- Yeah? Come on. Fucking come back at me. - No.

Fucking... Will you fucking come back at me?

Dylan. Fucking hell, dude. I'm not gonna do that, mate.

- She's told you, has she? - No.

No, she didn't. Do you know what? I found out.

Yeah, and then after I found out,

I went looking for proof, and while I was

looking for proof, man, I found something else.

- What? Regarding what? - Regarding my child, Vin!

- The one she got rid of! - Mate...

Don't fucking "mate" me!

- Don't you fucking do that! - Dylan...

You knew! You...

Well, Dylan, I fucking told her. I said you'd be a brilliant dad.

I set you up, right? I fucking told her and I told her.

You screwed her.

- You weren't even with her, man. - So?

Do you know what, you've created a life with her,

and she kept it, man.

She kept yours and she got rid of mine.

Dylan, man, it was a one-off.

I don't even remember it. I was so fucked.

You. You're his dad.

You're the one who's always there.

And as for his real dad, it's better he's just some prick that fucked off.

I'll be Uncle Vinnie if that's what works, and that's what I'll be.

Fucking suits you, all of this. You know what I mean?

- Fucking works in your favour. - Mate, how is that?

What, fucking Erin, me, torn apart. She leaves.

I'll stay and you, you selfish bastard, you get me all to yourself.

- A lot of bollocks, dude. - Is it? - Course it is.

Dylan, I only ever want what's best for you, man.

- Do ya? - Yes. - Right, come here...

What if having a baby with Erin...

is best for me?

Did you ever think about that?

What if that's the thing I've always wanted,

but I've been too scared to say it?

What then?

I'm gonna tell you something,

and I'm gonna tell you because you're my mate.

Why have you never committed to her, huh?

Why have you never shown her that you want a proper relationship with her?

You've got the most amazing girl, Dylan,

and you spend all your fucking time dicking around with those knobheads getting stoned.

What she did was bang out of order, but ask yourself this...

Why didn't she tell ya?

I've gotta get this.

You might think your life's falling apart right now, Dylan,

but I'm telling you now, it can get a fuck's side worse.

Stephen...

So, how've... How've you got Gary's car?

- Were you the one that nicked it? - Yeah.

Right.

Thanks.

I didn't know it was Gary's.

And I didn't know it had a load of antiques in the bloody boot, either.

Right.

Antiques that belong to your father.

- Antiques he wants back. - Tough titty.

It's tough titty for you, Stephen,

cos I'm gonna have to tell him you took 'em, mate.

You won't do that. Will I not?

No.

He's threatening to cut my dick off, man.

Huh...

Well, you've got a problem then, haven't you?

Huh.

See, the thing, uh...

about my dad is...

he's very big on... denial.

I don't know how well you know him,

but he's very much a man of appearances

and, uh, reputation.

So, having a son like me...

it's a disappointment.

Yeah, he resents me not being a version of himself.

He wanted a... successor,

someone ruthless to help with the family business.

I was never that kid.

I tried, but I've always enjoyed, uh... theatre.

Uh, I like dance and literature.

And, um... cock.

Mmm.

So, if you go to him, and you tell him it was me,

and that you found me through, uh...

my lover's car...

Are you and... You and Gary?

I'll tell you what he'll do.

He'll shoot the messenger.

Or in your case, um...

cut the messenger's dick off.

It's funny, I'm bipolar, you know?

Christ, I can get really depressed.

And there were times where I'd just think...

would it be better if I just ended it, you know?

Fucking made it all go away.

And yet, faced with this, I'm really scared, man.

I feel like a little lad who needs his mum.

What am I gonna do?

Stephen, you're gonna have to help me, man.

Well, uh...

I suppose there's one thing we could try.

Ready?

Mmm.

Dad, something terrible's happened. I need to speak to Dad quick!

Dad, Dad. Oh, my God. Come on!

What... What am I gonna do?

Something awful happened. There was a guy in the pub and...

Dad! Dad! Dad!

- Stephen! - Mum! Where's Dad? I need Dad.

- What's happened? - Someone's dead.

Terry! Terry!

- Jesus... - Keep them inside!

Oh... You, out there! Hot water, fresh clothes.

I'm sorry, I was scared.

Calm down. Calm down!

What's happened? Talk.

There was a guy in the pub, and he topped himself,

and there was blood everywhere in the bathroom,

and he wrote a suicide note, he was blaming you.

It said, "Terence McCann made me do it."

And then there was a commotion,

and everyone's going crazy, saying that you're a killer,

saying they were gonna tell everyone.

He slit his fucking throat.

I got his blood on me.

Did they call the cops?

- I don't know. I don't know. - Who was it? Who topped himself?

- Did you get a name? - Vincent something.

Um, Vinnie, uh, O'Neill.

Bastard.

You realise this is crazy, don't you?

You realise this is literally the stupidest thing you've ever tried?

- Do I look dead? - Yes. - Check it out.

Right, even if he falls for it, other people won't.

- They're gonna see you out, and then what? - I'm gonna lie low.

- For the rest of your life? - Well...

They'll have forgot about me in a few weeks, won't they?

Probably wanna cut someone else's dick off.

Now, listen.

I've been saving some money.

It isn't a lot. It's just a couple of grand.

It was for just in case, you know.

I want you to have it.

Why do you want me to have it?

- It's for your new life with Tyler. - Keep it.

- Please, Erin. - Vin, keep it.

"New life"? Where am I going?

I fucked everything up, and...

I've broken Dylan's heart, and messed up my last exam.

It's my fate to stay here forever. I'm stuck here.

- Don't talk silly. - It's true. It's true.

When he came to me, holding that picture of the scan...

the look on his face, it looked like he hated me.

- He doesn't hate you. - He should do...

because of what I did.

Why is Nigel in there with you?

I don't know. Fuckin' Cardy brought him.

He's been with me for the last three hours.

Little pigeon erections on him.

Pigeon lipstick sticking out that one.

Shat on me twice. Take it that's good luck.

Hope so.

Do you want to run away together, me, you, and Tyler?

Do you think that would work?

- Do you know what I think? - What?

I think I could make you really happy.

I'd love you.

I care for you.

I'd be a brilliant dad to Tyler, you know?

And everything would be amazing.

Thirty-four percent of the time.

- The other... - Sixty-six...

it would be terrible, cos of this.

Come here.

I want to see him.

Hello.

Believe you have a friend of mine. Vincent O'Neill.

God rest his soul.

I'd like to see him.

- Are you a relative? - No.

- Then I'm afraid... - We were close friends.

Perhaps just this once?

Give me a moment to prepare him.

I can feel myself... I can feel myself breathing! I can feel it!

- Think dead. - I'm thinking dead, Kath!

It's fucking freaking me out!

Chest going up and down, palpitations, legs twitching.

He's gonna know. He's gonna take one look at me. This is idiotic.

He's gonna... Shh!

I knew he'd shut up with chloroform.

Go, go, go! Pick it up, go, go!

Go, go. Go, JJ, quick!

Shit. Good boy.

Oh, God...

Oh, bloody hell. I can't watch.

That's it. I'm booking my flight to Reykjavik.

Oh, why Reykjavik?

You know, he's not gonna look there, is he?

Plus, the fishing's amazing as well.

- I can't watch. - Oh, shit...

May he rest in peace.

Oh, you did it! Didn't ya? Oh, you did that?

Oh, my God...

Well done, you. Clever boy. Oh! Oh, my.

Kiss him. Give him a kiss. Go on. No!

Give him a little... Hey!

Give him a kiss. No. I don't want it...

Kiss Nigel on his beak. Well done, you.

He's shat on you now. He shit all over you. Oh...

- Hello? - Erin, I need to talk to you. Urgently.

- There's some things I need to say. - What things?

I'm, um... I'm busy at the minute. I'm at a funeral.

I know. I'm outside.

What? Well, get in here.

They won't let me in, so... you'll have to come out.

Yo, Dylan...

Dylan, listen to me, man.

Shit, dude, being dead put a lot of things in perspective for me.

Being in that coffin for real, it makes you realise...

Fuck, dude, you don't want any regrets, man.

You need to go and forgive her. You do.

And then you need to set about making yourself happy, man,

and just... fucking hell, forget about me.

I'll be fine.

And if I'm not, that isn't your problem, that's mine.

Look, just... tell her you love her.

Tell her you'll be a good dad to Tyler.

And that you can be all the things you're capable of being, dildo.

Go on, do that now. For me, bud. Please.

Come on, dude.

I love you, man.

Erin!

- Hello? - Hello, Vin. It's Terence.

So, tell me...

How does it feel to be dead?

(corrections: certan)