All language subtitles for the.bernie.mac.show.119.dvdrip.subs-osiris

America, Bernie Mac is tired.

I mean, dead tired.

See, I been on the road
for a whole week...

sleeping on planes
and hotel rooms...

on lumpy, nasty,
mite-ridden beds...

where your feet hang off,
your toes get cold.

That ain't no way
to live, America.

So now that I'm back at home,
all I wanna do is crawl into my bed.

My bed.
I'm talkin' about...

an extra-thick Posturepedic
with feather bed...

1200-thread count Prestige sheets.

So warm and comfy.
The closest thing you can get to a womb.

I just want to thank all the geese
that made this night's rest possible.

Thank you.

[Sighs]
Oh.

[Rattling]

[Rattling Continues]

- [Wrench Turning]
- The bed again?

Yeah, baby. This doggone bed's
been givin' me nothin' but trouble.

- What you so dirty from?
- Oh.

I finally planted my cherry tree.

It is so beautiful, Bernie. I was just
waiting for the right time of the year.

[Yawning]
That's great, Wanda.

I know how excited you are.
I know how much it meant to you, so...

I'm gonna hop in the shower.
Get dressed.

We're meeting the Richters
for dinner at 7:00.

[Sighs]

Bernie, did you hear what I said?

Yeah, baby, I heard you.

I didn't know we gotta meet the Richters
tonight. I thought it was Sunday.

No, Sunday I gotta go to Bryana's play.
I missed that last week, remember?

[Groans]
Oh, baby.

I'm -I'm too tired, Wanda.
I'm -I'm tired.

Bernie, what do you have
against the Richters?

The only thing more boring
than the Richters is Bryana's play.

No, I-I take that back.

Nothin' is more boring
than the Richters.

Even if I had the strength,
I couldn't take that boring couple.

I ain't got nothin' against the Richters,
but eight shows in seven nights...

I'm exhausted.
I just ain't got nothin' left.

Fine.
I'll reschedule.

Thank you, baby.

Ain't nothin' gettin' me
out of this bed tonight. I'm tired.

- [Telephone Ringing]
- [Bernie] Yeah, Mac.

What you doin'
callin' this ungodly hour?

Clippers tickets?

MichaelJordan
and the Wizards, huh? Well...

If I go to the game,
Wanda gonna kill me.

But if I miss a chance to see
the greatest basketball player of all time...

I'm gonna kill myself.

It's a difficult choice.

MichaelJordan or my marriage.

My marriage or MichaelJordan.

Jordan.

Jordan?

Hey, Jordan!

Yeah. I'll be dead tomorrow.
See ya.

Jordan. Jordan.
I want you to fake an asthma attack.

- Start wheezin'.
- Why? There's no school tomorrow.

No, boy. I want you to do it
so we can go to the Clippers game.

Be our little secret.
Start wheezin'.

You want me to throw up too?
I can have a seizure.

- No, Jordan, wheeze.
- You want me to swallow my tongue?

- No!
- Ow!

- [Wheezing, Coughing]
- Good.

Oh, Lord!

Boy, good.
Good, good.

Oh, Lord!

- I'm gonna run him to the E.R., baby.
- Let me take him.

- I know how tired you are.
- This is my blood, baby...

and blood is
more important than sleep.

- Do you have your keys?
- Yeah.

- Watch his head.
- [Jordan Yells]

- You know what else was great?
- What?

The giant television screen.
I've never been on TV before.

- You think I'm gonna be a star?
- Not after you put your finger
all the way up your nose.

You was all the way up
to the second knuckle.

- You know what else was huge?
- What?

- The players. They were like giants.
- Yeah.

- Why didn't they let the white guys play?
- I don't know, son.

But you gotta get rid of that program.
It's incriminatin' evidence.

Get rid of that.

- Hey, hey, Jordan, what you doin'?
- [Horn Honking]

- But you said I should...
- I'm gettin' ready to go to the trash can.

Boy, you know, you a trip.

- I guess as long as you had fun, huh?
- Yeah.

- But you know what was
my favorite part though?
- What?

How upset you were when they said
MichaelJordan wasn't playing.

- I wasn't.
- You almost cried.

- No, I wasn't upset. No, I wasn't.
- "Oh, Lord!"

Oh, Lord, Lord...
That's what I did?

- What'd I do? What'd I do?
- "Oh, Lord!"

- Oh, Lord!
- Like that.

- Let's -Let's move on.
- Yeah, let's move on.

- [Both Laughing]
- [Cell Phone Ringing]

Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Hello?
Hey, baby.

Yeah, he's fine.

- A little congested.
- [Coughing]

Yeah, nothin' serious.
They took some X-rays and everything.

- But he gonna be fine.
Yeah, we're on our way home.
- [Coughing Continues]

Okay?
All right, sweetheart.

Bye-bye.
You can stop now, Jordan.

No... choking.

Oh, oh. Jordan?

- [Groans]
- You all right?

[Both Chuckling]

Oh, come on, now.
Don't look at me like that, America.

I mean, the boy was
just chokin' on a pretzel.

That could happen anywhere.
Am l... Am I wrong, Billy?

Billy was at the game. He saw the game.
The boy had a good time.

- Tell 'em, Billy.
- No, it's true. Hi. How ya doin'?

I was sittin' just a few rows
in front of them.

You really gotta get
some courtside seats.

- Well, my friend,
he called me at the last minute.
- But you're sittin' way back.

- And-And he lied to me.
- Yeah, but I'm sittin' in the front row.

I had two rebounds and an assist.
You know, you're way, way back there.

Anyway, they were having a great time.
It was kind of beautiful.

You know, a boy and his father figure.
Right?

What could be more American
than that? So it was cool.

You see? You see? That's what
I'm talkin'- - talkin' about, Billy.

See, see, that...
See, that ain't no big deal.

I had the boy fake a little asthma attack.
No big deal.

Wait-Wait-Wait...

You had him fake
an asthma attack?

He-He do it
all the time, Billy.

- You-You don't know him.
- Well, I don't understand this.

You had him fake an illness
so you could go to a Clipper game?

I just had him do the wheeze.
I didn't let him swallow his tongue.

Oh, that's so big of you.

For a Clipper game?
What happens if they make the play-offs?

What do you do then?
Do you stop his heart?

I mean, asthma's not a funny thing,
Bernie, you know.

I-I had asthma
when I was a kid.

I mean, you know,
I was born in New York...

and I started, you know,
getting excited about things.

And before I know it,
I'm in Phoenix, you know, 'cause it's dry.

- Let's move on, Billy.
- And then, you know, it's not funny.

And I'd be in class and I'd get agitated,
and I'd start...

- Here it... I'd start to...
- Put it in your book.

- Anyway, America, I had a good time.
- It's not funny.

- The boy had a... The boy had a good time.
- [Wheezing]

- And I just gotta get...
- I need my Breathalyzer.

- Not funny, man.
- This one last hurdle.

Comedy is not funny.
Not funny.

You're takin'- - You're takin'- -
You're goin' over the hill with...

- You're goin' over the hill with this, Billy.
- [Wheezing]

He-He do...
He-He...

He do her.
He don't never do her. He always...

Cut the camera off.

Cut the camera off.

[Gasping]
Help me.

- Bernie, I was so worried.
- Shh. He's sleepin'.

But he's fine.
Doctor told me to keep him level.

There you go, America.
The perfect crime.

Aw, don't look at me like that.

It was victimless.
No one got hurt.

As long as Wanda never find out,
no one will.

Here you go, sweetie.

I thought you would enjoy these.

Double fudge brownies!
You thought right.

What's wrong, Aunt Wanda?

Jordan, I was so scared last night.

About what?

All I could think about was you in the
emergency room not being able to breathe.

Oh, you don't have to worry.
I'm fine.

I've been told I have the lung capacity
of someone 10 times my age.

You're such a brave little soldier.

You relax, and I'll fix
your favorite dinner.

- But why?
- Because Dark Deception is "R" rated.

Restricted. No one under 17
admitted without a parent.

And Aunt Wanda and I already saw it.
End of discussion, Nessa.

[Scoffs]
I can't believe you.

What's the problem, baby?
In four years, you'll be able to rent it.

- Give you somethin' to look forward to.
- Uncle Bernie?

- Yeah.
- You know our secret?

I've been thinkin'. Maybe we should
tell Aunt Wanda the truth.

He too doggone young
to have a conscience.

She was really worried about me
last night. It made me feel bad.

Jordan, I-I-I don't
want you to feel bad.

The last thing I want you to do
is worry about Aunt Wanda.

See, sometimes in order
for us to have a little fun...

we have to bend
the-the truth a little bit.

- You mean lie?
- No. Mm-mmm.

I don't mean lie. I mean bend the truth.
There's a difference.

See, we sometimes let off steam
in a manly way, like basketball.

And, see, Aunt Wanda,
she's a woman.

And, see, women, they're different.
They're more sensitive.

That's why they cry at movies
and commercials and stuff like that.

You cried during The Lion King.

I-I didn't cry. You know, I was...
I was thinkin' about somethin' sad.

Like, what would happen to you
if you were to tell Aunt Wanda
about this basketball business.

And, besides, you don't want to hurt
Aunt Wanda's feelings, do you?

Last thing you wanna do
is make her cry, Jordan.

Yeah.

I think you need to forget about this
"tellin' Aunt Wanda" business, okay?

- Okay, I guess.
- Okay, good.

And, remember,
we're not lyin'.

We're bendin' the truth
just to get what we want.

Right.

Aw, I don't care
what you're thinkin', America.

It's not like I taught the boy
how to boost a car or anything.

This is harmless. Just a little black boy
tellin' a little black lie.

No harm, no foul.
You grown-ups, y'�ll do it every day.

Huh.
Get outta my face.

[Groans]

- Bryana, stop!
- What?

Those cookies are spoiled.
If you eat 'em...

they're gonna have to take you away in
an ambulance and pump your stomach.

- But I already ate one.
- Hurry! Go to the bathroom
and brush your teeth!

Hurry!
There's still time!

Hurry! Hurry!

?? [Funk]

Uncle Bernie said you were supposed
to wash these dishes.

What? That's not my job.
I'm goin' to Shannon's.

I heard him talkin'
to Aunt Wanda.

He said he'd come over there
and get you.

If I were you,
I'd get it over with.

[Sighs]
Fine. Better washing dishes...

than him embarrassing me in front
of my friends with his big dumb mouth.

- Yep.
- ?? [Continues]

- Oh.
- Oh, Mr. Mac.

Hi, Sister Arlene, Mary.
How are you?

[Together]
We're fine.

We just wanted to know
how your wife was feeling.

- My-My wife is fine. Why?
- Oh.

Jordan's been quite upset
about his aunt's sudden illness.

- Sudden illness?
- We just wanted you to know
that we were aware of it.

Oh, and I've told the other teachers
not to assign any homework...

as long as the crisis exists.

- Crisis?
- Jordan has got enough on his mind.

Oh.
Sisters, thank you.

Lyin' to a nun...

sayin' his aunt's sick.

He's the one about to be sick.

Gonna contract a sudden case
of"assus beatus redus."

That's Latin for
"I'm gonna whup his ass till it glows."

I'm pissed, America,
and I ain't lyin'.

[Yells] Uncle Bernie,
you stepped on Powerman!

What your Powerman doin' on the floor?
I thought I told you
to clean this mess up, Jordan.

- Hold your horses. I'm watchin' television.
- Hold my horses?

- Boy, I'm gettin' ready to go Clydesdale on you.
- [Grunting]

What's up, guys?
Hey.

- Hey, baby.
- Nothing.

Uncle Bernie's just helping me
practice my shot. Swish!

Yeah, I was, uh, foulin' him.

Oh.

Uncle Bernie, would it be okay if
I cleaned up this mess after the TV show?

No, I want you to clean
your mess up now, Jordan.

Swish!

The boy isn't just evil.
He's an evil genius.

A little black Lex Luther.

He really got some dirt on me.
This is blaxploitation.

I'm tellin' you, America.
Blaxploitation.

This ain't nothin'
but some blaxploitation.

Huh.
He's good.

- Damn bed.
- Bernie?

- Yo.
- Did you tell the gardeners
to cut down my cherry tree?

No, man.
Of course I didn't.

Well, they did, and they are gone
first thing in the morning.

Oh, baby, just chill. Now go in there
and get you a glass of wine.

Just relax.
It was probably a misunderstanding.

No, it was a misunderstanding
when they killed my azaleas.

This is unforgivable.

They are gone.
End of discussion.

Hold on, hold on, hold on.
Speaking of your foliage, okay...

Christina called talkin' about
your eyebrow appointment at 6:00...

- or something like that tonight.
- Tonight?

- Tonight.
- But I'm supposed to be goin'
to Bryana's play tonight.

Oh!
This is just a bad day.

Well, I mean, just call
and reschedule, baby. Quit trippin'.

Reschedule?
You can't reschedule with Christina.

- She's booked months in advance.
- Oh, stop it.

Now, that's just totally ridiculous.
You talkin' about waxin' some eyebrows.

How difficult is it
waxin' some eyebrows?

You give me some candles, tweezers
and a razor blade, lie across the bed.

I'll hook you up, baby.
Pluck it out. I'll pluck...

- I'll call and reschedule.
- You know, you look
kind of sexy when you're dirty.

Whatever.

- [Wrench Turning]
- Baby girl, you been jumpin' on my bed?

- No, it wasn't me, Uncle Bernie.
- [Doorbell Ringing]

[Groans]

Oh. I guess you're here
for your last check, huh?

Mr. Mac, we're very sorry
we cut your tree.

Yeah? I bet next time
you'll be a little careful, won't you?

S�, but your son told Luis
that you wanted it down.

I'll see you next week.
Don't worry about it.

Oh, baby girl, I can't get over
how wonderful you were in that play.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

And you were so talented,
and by far the prettiest one up there.

It just made my heart soar.

Yeah, I know what you did, Jordan.
Yeah, I know it was you.

It was you that cut down
that cherry tree.

Jordan, you tryin'
to punk me.

I'm gonna let you know,
I'm unpunkable, okay?

Uncle Bernie, I need a haircut.
Do you have any clippers?

No, I don't have any clippers.

But I'll be more than happy to take you
to the barbershop next to the bakery.

You know the bakery, son...
the one that sells cherry pies.

I like the name Michael,
and I like the nameJordan.

MichaelJordan.

MichaelJordan.
What do you think, Uncle Bernie?

I think I oughta cut...

That boy must be crazy,
playin' tit-for-tat with me.

Bernie Mac don't play no tit-for-tat
with no eight-year-old.

He think he smart?
He don't know who he's dealin' with.

I'll beat that boy
by bein' the bigger man.

I'm gonna screw him
by bein' honest.

I'm a topthologist
when it comes to bull.

- You went to the Clipper game?
- Jordan cut down your cherry tree.

- Stool pigeon!
- You did what?

You know how excited I was about
that little tree. Why did you do that?

[Jordan]
Well, I was playing NFL with a friend...

and every time one of us
would go out for a pass...

that stupid cherry tree
got in our way.

So I kind of told the gardeners that
Uncle Bernie wanted them to cut it down.

I fired our gardeners for nothin'.

Yeah, and they got families.
Big ones.

Aw, stop it, America.
Check the census.

This boy's a bad apple...
a rotten one.

Yeah, that fell
from the Bernie Mac tree.

- Hey...
- [Wanda] She's right.

Bernie, how do you
have the audacity...

to have your nephew
fake an asthma attack?

I was worried sick about him.
Have you no shame?

Yeah, baby, l...

It was MichaelJordan.
How many comebacks you think he got left?

I am disappointed in you both.

Lies, deceit.

You're worse than that awful family
in Dark Deceptions...

and that was a horror movie.

Yeah. I bet we have bodies
buried under our floorboards too.

What you know about
the floorboards, Nessa?

My friend told me about it.

- Yeah, right.
- [Wanda] Wait a minute.

That was you.

What are you talking about?

[Wanda]
I was waiting for my appointment.

As usual,
Christina was running late.

I was flipping through the Cosmo when
I glanced out of the window forjust a moment.

That's when I thought
I spotted Vanessa.

I thought your uncle and I
were crystal clear...

about you not seeing
"R" rated movies.

- I can't believe I gave you
the benefit of the doubt.
- Nah!

Lucky for us you spotted her
during your eyebrow appointment...

or you would've got away
with cold-blooded murder.

Oh, don't play innocent, Bernie.
You're in it just as deep as she is.

Okay, then.
That's fine.

You wanna talk about innocence?
How you like baby girl's play, sweetheart?

- And what was your favorite part?
- Don't change the subject.

Yeah, Aunt Wanda.
What was your favorite part about the play?

I loved all of it, sweetie.

Did you like the part where
she came out like a beautiful flower?

Oh, I loved that part.
She was precious, and she looked adorable.

She did look cute as a flower.

- And you know that song she sang?
You know the one.
- Uh-huh.

Oh, I loved it.
You were most magnificent, baby girl.

Oh, sweetheart.
She wasn't a flower.

She was a rabbit
the whole time.

I didn't sing either.
I hopped the whole time.

[Laughing]
This is gettin' good.

I guess you're as bad as we are.

Except I didn't lie to a five-year-old.

Oh, gosh.
Oh, baby girl.

I'm so sorry.
L...

I tried to make it to your play.
Really, honestly, I did.

I didn't realize my appointment
was going so long.

I drove as fast as I could.

But by the time I got there...

the play was already over.

Please, don't be mad at me.
I am so sorry, baby girl.

I know you're not gonna understand,
but, see, Christina...

she's booked solid
for the next two months.

And you wouldn't want your Aunt Wanda
walkin' around with a unibrow, would you?

Stop it.
Stop it.

All of us should be
ashamed of ourselves. All of us.

Everyone here except baby girl, 'cause
she's the only good one in the bunch.

- I tell the truth.
- You sure do.

I wish you would learn
to tell the truth.

- You always try to kill my spirits.
- [Voices Overlapping]

And you better watch...
I gotta watch you with binoculars.

I feel better, America.

See, here I was thinkin'
I was a snake...

feedin' the boy
forbidden fruit...

when it turns out the whole garden's
brimmin' with serpents.

The entire family's lowdown
and deceitful as I am.

See, I gotta lead
by a better example.

From now on, no more lyin'.

The only one who hasn't
been corrupted is baby girl.

See, she's still like Eve.
I mean, before the apple.

Innocent, pure as snow.

[Giggling, Squealing]

Not funny, Bernie.
[Wheezing]

Anyway, America,
they did have a good time.

The boy didn't have a good time.
But now, he's gotta get past one last hurdle.

[Wheezing]
I was just kidding.

You got a lot of nerve, Billy.

You want somethin' to drink?

[Wheezing]

[People Laughing]