Original subtitles

[Muttering]

Every time I turn around, it's somethin'.

Go this way, got somethin' else goin'- -

Oh, hey, America. How you doin'?

I'm just very put out at the moment.

America, Bernie Mac is vexed.

Listen, I walked in the kitchen, I see trash just overrunnin'.

Smelled nasty, funky, foul.

So I asked Vanessa why she didn't take the trash out like I told her.

She had the audacity to look me in the eye...

and bold-faced lie, I tell ya!

Said I never told her...

when I know good and well I did.

It's a pathological.

That's why I banished her to her room just now.

[Giggling]

What you laughin' at?

You told me to take out the trash.

- Why you didn't do it, then? - Uh-oh.

[Door Slams]

I could've swore I gave Vanessa that chore.

These kids got me all discombobulated.

So I guess I punished the poor girl for nothin'.

But I'm sure she'll do somethin' later on.

So, what was I gettin' ready to do, America?

What was l...

Oh, yeah. Excuse me one minute. Come here, boy!

?? [Upbeat]

- Baby girl, you seen my keys? - Uh-uh.

You sure?

- Uncle Bernie, pull my finger. - What?

Uncle Bernie, hurry! Pull my finger!

Don't you see I'm busy?

- I'll pull it. - Ain't nobody pullin' nothin'!

Uncle Bernie, hurry. I can't hold it much longer. Pull my finger.

Boy, you'd better not pass no gas up in here.

Go in the bathroom like you got some doggone sense!

Ahh. Too late!

You stinkin'!

Oh, uh, Nessa... Uh, Bryana... What, uh...

- Jordan! - Thank you, Wanda.

Jordan! You know better than that!

What was I lookin' for?

Y'�ll see what these kids doin' to me.

I can't think no more.

They make my brain hot.

It's like I got a George Foreman grill in my head and I gotta drain the grease.

If they keep it up, I'm gonna lose my mind.

And I know they're gonna keep it up.

You know it too.

All right, car seat, backpack, jacket. I think we got everything.

No, no... No, you don't. You ain't bringin' that drippy mess in my car.

- But I'm not finished. - Throw it away.

- I don't want to! - Throw it away.

- I don't want to! - Jordan!

Uncle Bernie!

- Uncle Bernie! - [Tires Screeching]

Oh, Lord!

- Hey, Wanda. - Mmm?

I think somethin' wrong with me.

I can't remember nothin'. I'm losin' my memory.

Don't worry, baby. It happens to everyone once in a while.

Yeah, but I ain't talkin' every once in a while.

It keeps up, baby girl gonna be on a milk carton.

- Hey, Wanda. - Mmm?

You think I got a brain tumor or memory cancer?

- Maybe you should just write things down. - Yeah.

She's right.

I just need a little help on keepin' things straight.

I'm not gonna let those little devils kill my brain cells. Oh, no.

See, that's where technology come in.

Check it out... it got a "to-do" list, an address book...

and a section where I can write my little reminder notes...

like "KillJordan" and "Kill Vanessa."

"Tell baby girl her brother and sister ran away."

I need to get that down.

Where'd I put that little pen thing at?

I just had it.

Don't see it.

I cannot believe that I had the thing right around here.

- [Sighs] Man, this is... - [Crack]

Oww!

Oh, my knee. [Groans]

Oh, Lord!

Bernie, it looks like a drugstore in here. Are you okay?

A couple few naggin' little things botherin' me, baby.

It's those doggone kids. They wear me down like a virus.

But you better believe I'm fightin' back.

With the miracle of modern medicine, I'm fightin' back.

- Bernie, I don't use hair dye. - It's mine, baby.

But you've been getting gray hair since you were 20.

On my head.

Oh.

Well, as long as everything still works, I wouldn't worry about it.

- [Slap] - [Groans]

Uncle Bernie, we've decided that we don't want fish tonight.

What you mean, you decided?

We took a vote, and we want Royal Burger.

What you mean, you took a vote?

Royal Burger! Royal Burger!

[All Chanting] Royal Burger! Royal Burger!

Hey, hey, ain't no Royal Burger nothin'.

Royal nothin'. We're makin' fish.

Royal Burger's got fish.

? It's got fish, it's got fun?

- ? It's got everything under the sun? - L-L-Look... Shut up!

I can see what they're doin', but they can't break me down. I'm fully medicated.

Stop bouncin', baby girl. Stop it!

But you promised you'd take us to Royal Burger! You promised. You lied!

- [Jordan]? You lied, you lied? - Who you callin' a liar?

- Liar! Liar! Liar, ooh! - [Bryana] Royal Burger! Royal Burger!

- You callin' me a... You callin' me a liar? - Liar, liar, liar, liar!

Liar, liar, liar, liar!

Would you quit movin' like that!

Liar, liar, liar, liar!

Royal Burger, Royal Burger, Royal...

- [Vanessa] Uncle Bernie? - [Jordan] Is he okay?

[Vanessa] Are you all right?

[Vanessa] Are you all right?

[Beeping]

Oww! Eee!

Well, your heart is fine.

You just had an attack of acute acid reflux. Painful, but far from fatal.

- Doc, is that like heartburn? - Yes.

You see, as we get older...

fatty foods, alcohol, overeating can really take a toll.

So you're sayin' I ended up in the E.R. Because I ate too much?

That could be a cause, but sometimes it's just stress.

Do you have any new sources of stress in your life?

Look, the fact is, Mr. Mac, you're getting older...

and as much as we'd all like to...

you can't stop the aging process.

You just can't stop it.

I'm talkin' about the aging process.

It didn't even start until these kids came around.

But I tell you one thing, America...

I'm not gonna let it send me to my grave before my time, no, sir.

Because Mac man is gonna fight back.

I'm gonna change my way of life...

get back to my old self, like I was back in the day... Maximum Mac, baby.

?? [Funk]

- ?? [Continues] - Hey, can you turn down your oldies?

- I'm trying to do my homework. - What?

I'm listenin' to my music.

I don't say nothin' to you, Nessa, when you listen to that crap you call music.

- Yes, you do. - Well, it's my house.

You want some privacy, go to the library or one of your friends' homes.

You got a lot of nerve, man.

Talkin' 'bout you listenin' to, uh, MaryJ. Blige...

or, um, uh, those Street Boys and all that bull.

- [Door Opens] - Talkin' 'bout "oldies."

- [Door Closes] - [Muttering]

This is music.

?? [Continues]

?? [Ends]

She had the nerve to call my music "oldies," man.

The Isley Brothers ain't oldies, man. The Isley Brothers's goodies!

Bernie, when the last time you seen Ronald Isley?

That brother 'bout 97 years old, man.

- [All Laughing] - Come on, man. Okay, okay, okay.

He's old. That don't make us old for listenin' to him, Kelly.

- Yeah. Mm-hmm. - Come on, now. Ain't none of us old.

- Right? - Uh, uh, fellas?

- Lookie here. Read them and weep. - Oh, that's a good hand.

- He won, man. He won! - Oh, man!

Hey, hey, that's it for me, man. I'm done.

What you mean, you done, man?

Chuy, what you be talkin' about, man? It's early. It's only 10:30.

- I gotta get goin' too, man. - Why you gotta get goin'?

Man, look here... we used to play all night long, man.

We ain't never left like this. What's the problem now?

- We got kids now, man. - See?

"See?" You ain't got no kids.

- Yeah, I'm just old, man. - He ain't lyin' about that. [Chuckling]

Come on, Kelly, you ain't old. Ain't none of us old.

Why don't you play one more? Chuy, come on.

[Kelly Snoring]

Bam! [Laughs]

- Yo, you win, dog. - Yeah.

Look, I gotta go crash, man.

What you mean, you goin' to crash, big fella?

- You ain't never did me like this. - Yo, man, it's 3:00 a.m.

If I don't get no sleep soon, I'm gonna pay for it in the morning.

Okay. Okay, fine. Go.

And take your lightweight with you. Go on, big fella.

You ain't never did this to me, man.

- Yo, old school! [Chuckling] - [Groaning]

"Man, it's 3:00 a.m. If I don't get my beauty sleep, I'm gonna pay for it in the morning."

Please! Back in the day, I could stay up all night, sleep an hour and wake up fresh.

- [Snoring] - [Bryana] Uncle Bernie?

- [Snoring] - [Bryana] Uncle Bernie?

Uncle Bernie.

Uncle Bernie!

Baby girl, please stop hollerin'. P lease!

Uncle Bernie, are you dying?

If God had mercy on me.

Uncle Bernie!

[Bernie Moaning]

[Click, Beep]

[Wanda Moaning, Chuckling] That's nice.

[Bernie] Oh, yes, it is.

- [Wanda Sighs] - [Bernie] I'm sorry.

[Beep]

Twenty-three seconds.

That's humblin'.

What y'�ll lookin' at?

Oh, you think I'm some kind of old man?

You thinking my best days behind me?

- Maybe they are. - [Beep]

[Tapping]

Uncle Bernie, will you play with me?

Not now, baby girl. Not now.

- No, look. - What?

Let me see that.

"Daddy and Me Basketball. Come join the fun."

Baby girl, I'm too old. I don't think I'd be able to do that.

My body worn out, sweetheart. I ain't got it like that.

[Basketball Bouncing]

I know one thing... back in the day...

I used to play basketball from sunup to sundown.

Yes, sir, and the only reason I'd stop... we didn't have no streetlights.

I used to rule the court too. People used to come see me play all around.

- Let's go, man! That's three! - [Chuckling Sarcastically]

And I'm gonna tell you somethin' else.

That's exactly what you and me gonna do. And you know what else?

- We gonna win it too. - Yea!

Want me to show you some of my moves? Come on. Uncle Bernie ain't through.

Baby girl, watch me school these guys.

What's up, you squares?

Can I run with y'�ll?

- [Laughing] - [Mock Laughter]

I guess, man.

Yeah. Talkin' 'bout old man. Can an old man do this?

- Old school! - Take it downtown, now!

Know what I'm sayin'? This an old man? Look at that.

- Yeah. Why you on me like that? - Oh. Oh!

I'll show you "old man." Look, look, look.

- [Loud Crack] - Aaah! My back!

- [Bernie Groaning] - [Boys Murmuring]

- [Groans] - Oh, man, it's all right! It's all right!

- Uncle Bernie? - Baby girl, don't look.

You did it...

[Whirring]

Yeah, it's true, America.

The kids won.

I'm over the hill now.

My time has passed.

Tryin' to fight it only makes you look foolish...

like fat Elvis or Little Richard.

? Whoo? I ain't got time for that.

From now on I gotta slow down...

act my age.

Now, go on, America.

I need to get my rest.

[Wanda] Oh, Bernie, you look miserable.

Isn't there any way I could make you more comfortable?

W-Wanda! Don't do that! Don't... Don't do that.

Ain't nothin' you can do, 'cause when l... when I sit up, my back hurt.

When I lay down...

my reflux start kickin' in.

Why don't you sit in your chair a little?

I can't.

Got 'rhoids.

Well, Nurse Wanda is running out to the store...

but when she gets back she'll give you a little sponge bath.

How the patient like that?

- Oh, l... - [Crack]

Oh, Wanda, my neck! [Sighs]

Get away from me!

Jordan, stop it! Stop it! You makin' a mess!

Jordan! Did y'�ll hear what l...

Boy, look at this mess you makin'!

I'm gonna whup... I'm gonna whup his ass. I'm not kiddin'. Jordan!

Look at this!

I'm gonna whup his ass. I ain't...

Jordan!

Jordan!

He thinks I am playin' around here. I'm not playin'.

Boy, I tell ya, I'm gonna whup your ass...

[Crash]

[Wheelchair Motor Whirring]

Who in the heck am I kiddin'?

I couldn't whup his ass if my life depended on it.

I'm too old to be runnin' around after kids.

I might really hurt myself.

From now on, Bernie Mac's retired.

Now I got time to catch up on my readin'.

Dent-O-Sparkle is fast-acting.

One effervescent tablet will clean those yellow dentures in 30 seconds.

?? [Soul]

Hey!

- ?? [Continues] - Hey!

- Here. - Thank you, sweetheart.

I appreciate it.

[Snores]

[Continues Snoring]

Hey, hey, hey. What you doin'?

- You were asleep. - I wasn't asleep. I was restin' my eyes.

- Turn it back. - Whatever.

?? [Continues]

[Wheelchair Motor Whirring]

[Wanda] Bernie, get out ofbed.

?? [Ends]

For what, Wanda? I ain't in no shape.

Baby, I been tryin' to get up all day...

Bryana's basketball game.

I can't play no basketball, Wanda.

I'm telling ya, with my back hurtin', I ain't gonna be able to do that.

No, you don't have to play. I got W.B. To fill in. I knew you wouldn't be able to.

- What? - You obviously aren't feeling up to it.

Do you think you're strong enough to go down and watch?

- Strong enough? - Well, after the other night...

The other night?

Why she gotta bring that up?

That's a sensitive subject, America.

Now she got W.B. Takin' my spot.

That's ridiculous! I mean, ludicrous, absurd!

I'm still here!

I may be a lot of things, but I ain't dead yet.

And even if it kills me, I'm not gonna be replaced.

No, sir. They're ain't no substitute for Bernie Mac.

[Whistle Blows]

[Bernie] Substitute, Ref!

Uncle Bernie!

- Yo, man, what are you doin' here? - Thanks for holdin' down.

But I had to do it for baby girl.

Oh, man, that's all good, dog. Hey, I'm glad to see Bernie Mac is back.

- Oh, I'm back. - Yo, and dig.

Little girl, she goes to her left.

How many daddies do you have?

Watch me, baby girl. Hah! Hah!

Baby girl, you ain't seen nothin' yet. I'm gonna tell you...

?? [Upbeat]

[Whistle Blows]

That's the last time that's gonna happen.

Hey, what's up?

Baby girl, catch!

Here.

Come on, baby.

Come on, baby, let's go. Come on, big girl!

[Whistle Blows]

Yeah! Rejected!

- ?? [Stops] - Violation!

- What you talkin' about? - Sir, you cannot block her shot like that.

I'm tryin' to win the game! That's how we did it back in the day!

Sir, this is not a competitive event.

- At Wellington, all the kids are winners. - I bet you that team don't win.

I guarantee you my team gonna win.

Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you to calm down.

What you mean, calm down? What you gonna do if I don't? Give me a technical?

Sir, again, this is a kids' game. There are no technicals.

Then I ain't gotta calm down.

This is basketball. This ain't field hockey!

- [Whistle Blows] - Technical!

Come on! What you mean? Only reason you called it is 'cause I'm black.

This some bull...

- Hey, baby. - Yes, baby?

- ?? [Continues] - I'm back!

- Ohhh! - [Audience Cheering, Applauding]

?? [Ends]

You know what?

That felt real good.

I mean, not landin' on my head and all.

But the thrill of victory's worth a couple of more weeks in this here scooter.

See, everyone gets old, whether you got kids or not.

But, I mean, so what?

The truth is, I like being old.

I like my music, I like my movies...

and I truly like who the heck I am.

And I'm not just gettin' better with age, I mean, like fine wine.

No matter how old I get...

I'll still be the Mac man.

[Chuckling]

- Honey, can you help me? - Yeah.

I think I found a gray hair.

Bend down, let me see it, baby.

Not on my head.

Drop it like it's hot.

Ooh!

Here your ride home.

"Drop it like it's hot." Hmm, nothin'.

[Snoring]