Original subtitles

At number one on the request line

for the 417th month, from Pepe to his fishing crew

on the Pregnant Pelican.

Yikes, I gotta get outta here.

I'm the only one left.

I have to keep my bog hair.

Shit.

That woman's a monster.

I gotta warn the others.

Screw the others.

Move away from the vehicle.

Put your hands in the air.

Support the NRA.

Vote Republican.

Always use a condom.

Eat pork.

Don't forget to call your mother.

I love the feel of silk on bare skin.

- No more

pesky--

- Body hair.

On to the next unsuspecting little town.

Let's ride!

("Hot Wax Zombies on Wheels")

♪ So you better beware

♪ 'Cause we're hot wax zombies

♪ We're almost there

♪ We're the hot wax zombies on wheels ♪

♪ Hot wax zombies on wheels

♪ Hot wax zombies on wheels

♪ Hot wax zombies on wheels

Slow down, butch.

I just love it here in Daneport.

Nothing ever happens here.

Tipoa.

You're on.

♪ Baby

♪ When you get back

♪ Back in your room

♪ After your move, yeah

♪ Oh, maybe

♪ You'll be all right

♪ When it's dark

♪ You have your sunshine

So damn butch.

That's what you get for biking with

your best friend's girl.

Race ya.

You're on.

The old Augusta house.

See you in my mirror.

♪ Takin' off my mask

♪ Takin' off my head

♪ It's not my problem

♪ Refuse to see

♪ Oh, it's not my problem

Hé !

Needs a little fixing up, but it'll do.

Shh, Martin, someone's coming.

- Oh.

"Vickings rule."

- At least I can spell, unlike certain barbers.

Star quarterbacks don't have to spell.

You're right, they just have to make passes

at the homecoming queen.

No truer love than me and Mick.

And what about you, shy guy?

Hey, I'm uh,

pacing myself.

Oh, okay.

Martin, find out how they feel

about depilatil rays.

Suppositories?

Ow.

- [Critter] Oh, baby, faster, faster, faster.

Get it in.

Oh, oh, ah ah ah, oo.

Morning, captains.

Sven, Sharon.

Nice day.

Yeah.

What do you reckon the weather will be like

tomorrow, Captain Obadiah?

Horny.

There's an evil wind a-blowing, an evil wind.

West north west.

You old shark bait, it's north by northwest.

Don't you go telling me the wind direction.

I know these seas like the back of my hand.

You ain't seen that clear-like in 20 years.

What do you mean by evil wind, cap'n?

Oh, he's right about that, by cracky.

E-vile it is.

Evil how?

When the sky burns cold, the raven barks.

Aye, the albatross dances with the whale.

Aye.

Oh, are you still determined to leave?

Nothing ever happens here.

I don't know what I was thinking,

trying to make it as a manicurist in this town.

And so that means you're going to go to--

Well, I need to go somewhere where they

can appreciate a good manicure, a great foot massage,

and a, and an outstanding lacquer selection.

Orlando, Florida.

Well, I'm gonna miss you, Ruby.

What?

She might as well stay here for that.

You heard the latest?

The old Augusta house, sold.

Queers probably, you know, gay.

Opening a beauty salon.

Mm, good, maybe I can get a decent haircut, Mick.

Ooh, take that back you sultry bitch,

or I'll blow you silly.

Oh, I better get out.

When are you going to get out

of ladies' underwear, Sharon?

Oh, you know me Frank, I don't do cheap jokes.

And now for another

swinging hit for you single ladies over 40

waiting for the tuna fleet.

Mm,

oh baby.

Mm, I just keep getting it for you.

You got me all wrapped around the axle.

- Neither rain nor sleet nor dark of night.

Sorry.

It's all right, that's what the shop's about.

Sort of.

Hadn't you better finish your rounds, Ken?

Yeah, I guess so.

Sorry, baby.

Wish I could stay.

Bye.

Oh, the mail, forgot the mail almost.

I'll see you, baby.

He's new.

Wow, you're a sucker for men in uniform, Carrie.

Oh, I'm a sucker for a man, period.

I've noticed you're not at a loss for suitors.

Mick?

Mick's okay.

Sven's a real guy.

And he's interested.

Sven's my pal, nothing more.

Hi, Ted.

Hi, Sharon.

Pilar's got a birthday coming up real soon.

I thought I'd get her something pretty.

Great, well, I've got just the thing.

This is soft, it's beautiful.

It's pretty, it's warm, it's soft.

Just the thing for winter.

- I was think something more, you know, something--

Sexier?

- Oh, gee Ted, I didn't think you went in for

that sort of thing, but uh--

- You old devil, you.

Not that old, Carrie.

I get the picture.

How about this?

More of what you had in mind?

It's what I wear.

Yeah, I like that, yeah.

And the size?

Mrs. Lewis is a size 18, Carrie.

I see.

In a box, please.

Get a box, please.

That'll be $35, Ted.

Oh, I love the feel of silk on bare skin.

Don't you?

Can I help you?

I said don't you?

Um, sure, all, all, all, all, all women do, um.

I didn't hear you come in.

♪ Well, you better step up

♪ 'Cause I got something for you ♪

♪ Just take a good look at me

♪ 'Cause I'm new and improved, you see ♪

♪ Now seems like a real good time ♪

♪ Think I'll start coming in with it ♪

♪ Hey

♪ You

♪ Me

This won't hinder you much longer.

I'll take care of it.

Weren't you leaving, Ted?

Will that be all?

I want to see your underwear.

I beg your pardon.

Well, granted, I want to see your leather g-strings,

you split panties, your cut-out bras.

Whatever you have with metal studs.

Um.

Well.

I'm afraid this is risque as we get.

Hah.

I'll just take the gown.

Will that be charge or--

It'll be cash.

It'll be 395.

Hot, M.

I suggest you invest in some

recreational underwear, Miss Talbot.

You're going to need it.

I think these people are ready for a wax.

Who's Max?

Ow!

I, I didn't hear them come in.

Did you hear them come in?

Ted.

Ted, I'm asking you a question.

I can't wait to pump her gas.

You're self-serve, Ted.

Weird, huh?

Weren't they sort of

unnaturally shiny?

- Oh, I need some fresh air.

Remember, City Council meeting

in the fish locker at six o'clock.

And further, Mister Mayor,

I move for a no-growth ordinance

until we discover just what the desecration

of our water off of our coast will have.

Mr. Hutchenreuther,

we have the most modern water treatment,

the most stringent environmental controls

on the offshore waters, as well as the harbor.

Surely you know that--

You have no idea what's going on out there!

The new deviation, the monsters even now

rallying to take us over.

Oh sir, Daneport.

I move we wait and see.

Seconded?

Seconded.

Thank you Bancroft, you may sit down now.

Any more business?

A business license.

And who might you be?

Yvonne Wayne.

I'm renovating the old Augusta house,

and opening up a waxing salon.

Now just a second, little lady.

You never said anything about wax.

She never said anything about wax.

Ted's Self-Serve is fully equipped

with a full line of--

Hair removal, Ted.

Hair removal.

A salon to remove, I see.

Well, Pilar could stand to lose some hair, I guess.

So could you.

I think it's unnatural.

Bad for the complexion.

Bad for the whole human machine.

Nothing like the wife did up to give

the man incentive to come ashore, eh Pepe?

Wait a minute.

I have some questions.

I'm a reporter, Miss Wayne.

It's in my instincts.

I know a few things.

How lucky for you.

How do we know these people are qualified.

Don't you have to have a beautician's license

from the state before you can go off

opening up some hotsy-totsy wax salon?

Just where is that, Miss Wayne?

Hmm?

Well, certainly, Mr. Miller.

I have all the appropriate paperwork.

Would you care to see it?

License, license, license.

License.

License.

License.

License.

License.

Wait a minute.

Majority rules, Karen.

Seconded?

Seconded.

Second, sec, call it.

Seconded, meeting adjourned.

Captains.

Yeah?

What was it you were saying about an evil wind?

The evil wind is one that'll turn you in you

any minute and make your hair stand on end.

It'll shiver your timbers,

furl the tops'l and keelhaul the bosun.

An evil wind will put the mizzen

in the fraggin' in as long as it takes to blink.

- Oh.

That makes sense.

Thanks.

Um, captains, I know I shouldn't ask this,

but what are you whittling?

Yew.

Me.

No, yew.

- I?

Aye.

- Oh, yew.

Y-E-W, the tree.

- Aye, yew.

- Oh, I was reading an article about the Pacific yew

just the other day, it has all sorts of curative powers

like asthma, cancer, you name it.

Aye, and it'll take the barnacles off your stem.

And the woodworm off your stern.

Like to smoke it.

I like mine with milk.

Give her a try.

Never know when you might need it.

Think we confused her with all this nautical talk?

- I suppose so.

Reckon that's what it's all about, being an old salt.

Old tar, properly it's an old tar.

I know what I am, Zebediah, you old fool.

I've been expecting you, Mr. Miller.

How did you get this place fixed up so fast?

I know my subcontractors like the back of my

brassiere cup.

Like the back of your, your br,

hold on.

I want to talk to you about your

business, because frankly, this kind of establishment

is something we in Daneport associate with fruits,

and Europeans, and we don't,

don't have that sort

around here.

Not at all, Mr. Miller.

You've got it all wrong.

Let me show you.

So, I told Jane, I said, so what if he's

15 years younger than she is.

If he makes her happy, that's what counts.

Well, so long as the kid's parents

and the police don't find out.

So what are you doing this afternoon?

Ooh, I thought I'd try that new salon.

Maybe get myself done.

Who knows, maybe some 17-year-old stud

will get the hots for me.

Mom, you and some young thing.

Let me know how it goes, okay?

With the salon or the stud?

The salon.

You know, I met that Yvonne Wayne the other day.

She seemed a little weird.

Oh, weird like Bancroft Hutchenreuter weird,

or weird like body snatchers?

Well, just don't let them turn you into

a sex maniac or anything, okay?

Oh, and I thought it was the widows like me

who were supposed to be the prudes.

I don't know, it just seems a little whacko.

Afraid of the competition, are you?

We don't do legs.

Then what's the beef?

Well, I don't get it.

I mean, why bring this kind of business to Daneport?

People in big cities and Europe get that kind of treatment.

Holy shit.

What?

W-Wayne's D-dip-i-di-di--

Depilation.

- Right. - Yeah.

A full page ad?

What's gotten into Frank, anyway?

He's never taken out a full page ad in his life.

Where is he, anyway?

Has anyone seen him?

Wayne's Waxing Salon announces its opening giveaway,

one free body wax with this ad.

Do away with pesky body hair for six months.

(sighing)

Be more attractive to the opposite sex.

Swim faster.

Experience love making as it should be.

Smooth and hairless.

Then what's the beef?

It's good for six months.

I mean, if it's good for six months,

how can they stay in business?

Wait for the tuna fleet?

Or an outbreak of puberty.

Thinking about getting a wax done, Matt?

Me?

Never.

Car, maybe.

Oh, oh, this is lovely.

See?

Told you it wasn't haunted.

But my Uncle Hernando said it was a place of evil.

Well, your Uncle Hernando's been at sea too long.

I love--

Frank.

The feel of silk on bare skin.

You do?

Got any silk jock socks?

Uh, jock?

Something roomy.

Roomy.

Like a studio, or like a mansion?

That was a joke.

Um.

No, no, uh no jock, silk or otherwise, none.

I hardly even recognized him.

He looked like a wax apple having a bad hair day.

He has undergone rejuvenation at the hot wax palace.

Well, what all did they do to him?

Made him a man.

Really?

Ew.

Well, you went there.

What was it like?

(Mom chuckles)

Mom?

Mom, are you okay?

The salon.

What was it like?

Why do you ask?

Oh, come on.

A salon in Daneport.

A place like that reminds me of

a beauty parlor for dogs.

You take in a shaggy mutt, you come out with

a clipped pooch with a bow on its hip

and one on its head smelling like a French whore house.

And what all did they do to you?

Did they do the whole like body massage and makeup deal?

They get rid of all that pesky body hair.

It was the most liberating experience of my life.

God, I need a man!

Ain't that the truth.

Got tons of stuff that needs to be

taken care of around here, and Mick,

getting him to help out is next to impossible.

What?

All that hair!

Why don't you do something?

I'm shaving it.

That's not enough!

Mom?

Mom!

Yeah, you're pretty handy with that knife.

Amazing.

It is my profession, you know.

Being amazing.

Hey babe.

You okay?

Babe.

Man, that's gotta hurt.

Not if you know what you're doing.

What's the matter?

My mother.

She went into that new salon today,

and they must have I don't know

given her weird pills or something.

It takes women days to adjust to a new do.

Oh, okay, Micky.

Well, how does that explain Frank Miller, huh?

He's gone weird too.

Let's eat.

All right.

Okay, so one, two, three, four, there.

My turn?

Yeah, it's your turn.

Double purple.

You've been getting lucky all night.

I'm just good.

No Mick, you're over here.

No, I'm right there.

Mick, you're over here.

No, you're over here.

All right, you're right.

Raccoons?

Who knows.

Come on.

You guys.

Guys!

Fore!

You must die, you must die.

Bastard, burn the bastard, burn.

Gosh, can't we all just like get alone.

I think somebody doesn't like us.

Jesus, Sharon.

- What the hell is that?

Now that's scary.

High tech raccoons.

Elaborate practical joke.

Hanged in effigy?

You must have really botched a flattop.

Well, I say we put our gallows friend to bed.

Yeah.

You must die.

Bastard, burn the bastard, burn him.

You must die.

You must die, bastard.

And you won't forget to wax my throttle.

♪ Only for daybreak

♪ Can't catch me

♪ If I can only see

♪ What I you and I would need

♪ Sorry if it hurts

♪ Well, maybe I'll stay at home ♪

♪ Oh, now the word is out.

Mmm.

Try telling me again it was kids who did that.

Come on.

Who doesn't like barbers?

Someone with a gruesome sense of humor.

Somehow, this doesn't seem like the time or the place.

Is that all you think about?

Yeah.

This one desperately needs to be waxed.

And eight times a week just isn't enough.

You know what my doctor said.

So it's more therapeutic for you to have sex

than it is to make love with your girlfriend.

It's science.

Besides, you always love it when I--

Mmm.

Watch it.

Come.

Pesky body hair.

Watch it.

Ow.

City Council official business.

How nice to see you, Miss Councilwoman.

Business keeps going on like this,

you'll have to open branches.

We're thinking, website.

Some take the removal better than others.

How unusual, it's so warm.

This is where we mix the wax with the other

ingredients to remove all traces of

pesky body hair.

Yes, there is a special chemical

to soften the skin

and some say it affects the mind.

It does?

It frees you from the distraction of pesky body hair.

It does?

Depilation sets one free from all the

unpleasant emotions that we associate with hair.

It does?

The ecstasy of being without pesky body hair

is truly orgasmic.

It is.

Beyond your wildest imagination.

It just keeps going and going and going and going,

your libido goes wild!

Taking you to places that you

never even dared to dream about.

♪ Ow

♪ We used to be, oh

♪ Superstar girl

Places we've never dreamed about?

Like Orlando?

♪ She's so crazy

♪ The girl's gone crazy

♪ She's so crazy

♪ Any time, any place

♪ She's got such peculiar taste ♪

♪ She's so crazy

(needle scratching)

I thought you guys all go to sleep afterwards.

Not me.

You ready for the next round?

As soon as you are.

What's that smell?

While you were in the bathroom I

started heating something.

Oh yeah, like what?

It's going to make it so good for you.

You're never going to believe it could be so good.

Oh, yes I will.

Do you trust me?

I just fucked you for three hours.

Then I really have something for you.

What are you going to do?

Gonna rid you of that pesky body hair.

Cool!

Oh.

Oh, don't stop now, I feel lonely and neglected.

Have to wait til it dries.

Then hand me my cigarette, please,

I might as well have something in my mouth.

Any business?

No.

Adjourned.

Hurry up, Frank.

I need to get laid.

♪ Work that body, work that body ♪

♪ Work that body, work that body ♪

♪ Make sure you don't hurt nobody ♪

♪ Make you don't hurt nobody

♪ Work that body, work that body ♪

♪ Everybody

Faster, faster.

Faster, faster.

Faster.

Faster.

You've got to be kidding.

♪ Get on the floor and get up

Welcome to Yvonne's website.

Please enter password.

Depilation.

Access denied.

Hmm.

Horny.

Access denied.

Dammit.

You look like you had a hard night.

The best.

You look like sunburned or something.

Oh, I feel terrific.

Access denied.

I made love all night.

Isn't that normal for you?

Come to think of it, yes, it is.

♪ You, the eyes of the world

♪ Tell us how long it will take ♪

♪ We're onto you

♪ We're onto you

♪ You, the voice of the world

♪ Tell us what you need to say

Scratch sleepy cost town, put catatonic.

It's like the whole town's turn into,

I don't know, zombies.

Vampires.

Walking dead.

Republicans.

Ever since they came to town.

That's a strange group of bikers.

Ooh, I like my nasty body hair.

Pesky

body hair.

What's that?

- Yew. - Me?

- Who? - What?

- It's something the captains gave me.

That was a hit.

I will now play another hit,

though I don't know why anyone listens

to this mierda.

Something stinks in this town.

That's the paper mill in Eureka.

I myself am free of such trivialities.

All I need now are some compliant nubile

hairless 18-year-old girls to make my life complete.

Don't we all.

Did he just say mierda, mara.

You won't go near that salon.

Promise.

Oh no.

I'm not worried about Sven.

I know he won't do anything foolish.

Coward that I am.

But you.

Hair is my life.

Keep it that way.

♪ I got it, I got it

♪ I got no hair

♪ Under this hat

♪ And it trace south

♪ Down my back

♪ But I've got to slip away

♪ Slip away

♪ I've got to slip away

♪ From you, baby

♪ I've gotta go

♪ You've gotta go

♪ Ah, and the sun will rise

More wax, Talbot.

I'm stirring the hot tub as fast as I can!

You are stirring the vat!

You're stirring the cauldron.

♪ Slip away

♪ Up a tree

♪ You won't follow me

That is all for today.

We will be back tomorrow at this time with a new load.

See you then, and have a nice day.

♪ Slip away

Busy?

Mmm.

Ain't seen nothing like this since ought six.

Ah.

What is, what do you want here?

This won't hurt a bit, handsome.

Get out of here, woman.

Then you'll be all ours, free of that pesky body hair.

Don't you want us?

Are you sick or something?

Perverted?

The wax will set you free.

Get on out of here, young women,

or we'll make you walk the plank.

We'll make shark bait out of you, now git.

Ain't seen the like of this

since we rode with Teddy Roosevelt.

Pershing.

Roosevelt.

That was Pershing, you don't know.

Goldang it, it was Roosevelt, you old fool.

You wouldn't know Roosevelt

if he came up, shook your hand.

What's up, Ted.

How's Pilar?

No more pesky body hair.

Yeah, well you know, I try not to meddle

in people's marital affairs, but,

a little turn-off, huh?

You know, the hair?

Hey, hey, hey hey hey, what's the matter?

Hey, Ted, don't be afraid, it's me, Mick.

Here, take 14 bucks.

Here, come on, take the $14, come on.

Get out!

The money.

Get out!

Go away!

Ted.

You will become unbelievably horny.

Look at Pilar, 180 pounds of bucking bronco.

Unbelievably?

Get out!

Horny?

Ah!

We've been expecting you, Mr. Orion.

Have you now?

You seem most interested in what our little

salon has to offer.

How 'bout a demonstration.

Uh, oh, come on.

Come on, come on.

Dang.

Sorry.

Oh, he was so well hung.

Take him to room number four.

Whoa, whoa, come on, come on.

Come on, no, no, not room number four.

Hey, I'm probably out

giving a buzz cut, so leave a message.

Hi, honey, it's me.

I'm feeling a little, I don't know.

Um, okay so, maybe I've been a little preoccupied lately

but um, I just need to feel safer

with all this going on, so um.

Anyway, I've got a surprise for you.

It's the top of the line at the shop.

So um, get here ASAP, okay?

This is a simple process of osmosis.

While the wax is bonding to your pesky body hair,

this chemical is seeping into your skin,

into your very psyche.

Yeah well, you see, I'm Irish,

and I really don't want anything seeping into my psyche.

Once you're with us, you'll see.

All the barriers are down.

No fear, no hate.

No evulsion, no pesky bodism sentimentality.

Just pure sensualism.

Gosh.

Yes, gosh.

This may sting a little.

Damn it, Mick.

Where are you?

Think, think.

Yes.

- Hey, he's taking this very well, isn't he?

- Yes.

Leave us.

Now you will feel what you have never felt before.

Blood.

See how much better it is without--

Pesky body hair.

Nothing's going to happen, dipshit, there's no music.

There's always music when something's going to happen.

Oh, jeez.

Thank you for calling 9-1-1 emergency services.

We're out of the office at the moment,

but if it's really, really urgent,

having to do with pesky body hair,

please page us at Wayne's Depilation Palace,

and we hope you have a nice, hairless, fulfilling day.

Mick won't answer his phone.

9-1-1's at an orgy.

We're here.

I'll use it.

I hope you're wearing nice underwear, Sharon.

Really now, there's no need for violence.

Have the treatment.

Be one of us.

No more hate, no fear, no jealousy.

No more teacher's dirty looks.

You'll discover your true sensuality within,

beneath all that pesky--

Body hair.

I always wanted you, you know.

I'll slice you into candles, I promise.

Sounds sensual.

You can't kill us, Sharon.

We're zombies, hot wax zombies.

We're already dead.

Ow!

No!

Genetic deviation.

Ew.

Monsters.

Ugh.

That stuff's dynamite.

Yow, help!

Help!

Mick?

Mick.

Mick.

Hubba hubba.

Horny, aren't you?

And insistent, too.

No.

Come on.

Where?

In the kitchen.

The kitchen?

Don't you know what's happening out there?

We, we, we've gotta run, we've gotta find Sven, I mean.

Hmm, uh, seems a little early for mosquitoes, huh?

So you've been hot waxed, haven't you?

It's better than being like you,

a slave to emotions and pesky body hair.

So you don't feel any emotions at all?

Only one, lust.

Insatiable carnality.

Being free of pesky body hair has opened up

a whole new world to me.

A world of ultimate sensuality.

Since when do you need help getting horny?

It's for the best, Sharon, you'll see.

We'll spend the rest of our lives together

experiencing the ultimate sensuality.

You, you're repeating yourself.

Oh, it's going to be so good, you being one of us.

Now relax.

The pain won't last long.

And when it's over

I'll let you be on top.

Golly, I can hardly wait.

Always in the right place at the right time.

Bye bye, darling.

But Sharon, I can help!

No more pesky body hair!

Ever!

Oh, Sharon.

There's no way out, Sharon.

Hey, somebody mind letting me out?

You can't stop monsters created from man's

gumption of our ecology.

Whatever.

We are the undead, join us.

Never

Yes, you will.

Avast, you squab.

Hard about, girly.

Hoist the mainsail.

Only your emotions where dead.

And your follicles, Matt.

Oh, that explains it.

Ow!

My God.

That's gotta hurt.

He looks like he's got a walrus on him.

A walrus?

An albatross, you ol' stubborn--

No, it ain't a damn albatross.

It's a whale.

Jesus Christ.

Look at the hair.

Looks like a manatee.

What are you?

Y-E-W, exactly.

Smart zombie, by cracky.

Pacific yew.

Of course, you two knew all along.

Best run along, girly,

while we use these zombies to swab the deck.

Cleanse the barnacles and fight the lines.

Aye.

Wait a minute, fellas.

I ain't been laid yet.

Freak!

Somebody.

Open up.

I'm really horny.

Carrie, Carrie, you've, wah.

Hi, Sharon.

What are you doing?

I'm going to Portland to try out for

the U.S. national swim team.

Oh no, not you too.

I can't let you spread this contagion.

What contagion?

Whatever it is that makes people zombies.

Ravenous, hairless horn dog zombies.

U.S. swim team?

I went to the nationals as a junior.

I did it all.

I told you I was thinking of getting back into it.

Well, here's my opportunity.

I guess I didn't react like they expected.

I went to the pool and I practiced.

I still have it.

And they were right.

I do swim faster.

But it d-d-d-didn't turn you into a sex-crazed zombie or?

I had no inhibitions to lose.

Except those keeping from trying out

for the national swim team.

And I'm doing that next week.

Help me.

I have to stop them.

They'll take this formula, and they'll do this again

in town after town after town unless they're stopped.

Okay.

I will, I must stop them.

Okay, whatever.

I'll watch for you on Wide World.

Okay, whatever.

Carrie.

Well, I guess it's just me

and yew.

Once we corral Congress, then we'll go after

the closet cross-dressers on the radical right.

Congressmen are so kinky.

Not to mention the President.

For say fare.

Ow, oh.

Ow.

Hot damn.

It's party time.

Everyone I kiss or has cornered over the internet.

Our power will be limitless.

We'll be the gods of ultimate sensualism.

Rulers of the world, free at last

from that dreaded stubble.

Tight-ass Sharon Talbot stands between us

and total dominion.

Not a problem.

A world without hair.

Something has to be done.

Faster, faster, faster,

get it in, oh, oh!

Fucking rats.

Oh baby, oh baby.

Faster, faster, faster, get it in.

Is that pesky body hair keeping you

from living life to the fullest?

If you've answered yes to any of these questions,

then I'm here to tell you about something

that will revolutionize your life forever.

The Wayne WaxOMatic.

Just a pinch in those hard to reach areas,

and (gasps) you will find that

your appointment book will fill up in no time.

The Wayne WaxOMatic.

Take it from me, a boon to women everywhere.

And we like it, too.

Mom.

You're going cable?

Martin.

Come.

You calling me dumb?

Come on, stupid child safety.

Get her.

"Get her".

Is that the best you can come up with?

Seize the frigid interloper.

That's pretty good.

Whoa!

This room is a mess.

Somebody go get Marion.

♪ Yeah, there you go talkin' all of that smack ♪

♪ Thinkin' that you're all

Ow, ow!

Mom.

Radically cool, isn't it, dear?

I have to know, what is the password?

Orlando?

Damn, almost.

Ow.

Shit.

Help!

Help!

Mmm, I love this thing.

Ah, these things always look better

in the catalogs, don't they?

Still, it shows a marked lack of self-esteem.

Oh, damn.

I hope you don't mind waiting while I see to this.

Martin will keep you company.

This better not be those fucking rats again.

Can't you help me?

I don't want to wait for them to come back and

see me like this, makes me want you now.

Yvonne told me not to.

Mmm.

And I want you to do it.

Yvonne won't let me.

But I will.

Not so fast, lover boy.

I stuff.

That's why they call it a booby trap.

Thank you, thank you very much.

This is an outrage!

No, this

is an outage.

Ooh, scary lady.

How did you do that?

I don't know.

Same way I know how to do this.

Oh, what, stop, stop!

Stop, you're making me dizzy.

All right, you and Marion, back in the house.

Hey, was that you screaming?

Yeah, didn't you hear me?

Barely.

I must have wax in my ears.

Uh, your blouse and your, uh, accoutrements,

it's uh, they're open.

Here.

Carrie was right.

You are the real guy.

To Gold Rock.

What, now?

Okay, that's it.

They've had their chance, we're nailing them!

My cape.

Oh, I had it cleaned.

What with the wax and the road grime and everything.

Let's ride!

Wow, she said I was the real guy.

I wonder if she meant it, though.

I mean, you know how women, they just kind of say things.

Wait, wait a minute, I mean, I'm real.

And I'm a guy, definitely a guy.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Mick's my best friend.

And Sharon's his gal.

No, I can't do that to Mick, no way.

No way, I,

yeah I can, yeah I can.

Cool.

I got a girlfriend.

Sven is the real guy.

Can I do this to Mick?

Yep, I can do that to Mick.

Is that an echo?

Cool.

Oh my gosh, she's right behind us.

A-ooo-ga, a-ooo-ga, down below!

Drive on!

Let's get 'em!

Whoo!

I think we lost them a few miles back.

But why here?

Okay, enough about geography.

But your timing.

Think about it as making up for lost time.

We've got to get to Freeport before Yvonne.

Good evening.

Uh, good evening, I'm uh, Sharon Talbot,

City Councilwoman from Daneport,

and this is Sven Jacobsen, one of our local businessmen.

I'm impressed.

Is, is there a captain on duty?

Got a problem?

Listen, I think we need to talk to the watch captain.

I'm not good enough, is that it, huh?

Who do you think you are, rolling in here,

trying to get past me to the captain

without any explanation?

Just trying to pull rank, go over my head, do an end run?

Is that it, Miss City Fucking Councilwoman?

Big fucking deal.

Hey, may we see the watch captain, please?

You don't understand, this is about zombies.

Zombies?

Yeah.

Zombies.

Yeah.

Well yeah, why didn't you guys just say so.

He wouldn't believe it, can you believe it?

Oh, I can believe it.

I mean, can you believe it?

It's unbelievable.

But I believe it.

Hmm.

Well, there's one way to make him believe it.

Believe me.

What?

Follow me.

Please, lock all your doors, bolt all your windows.

A group of hot wax zombies is coming to town.

Awesome.

And if they find you, you'll be destroyed.

So you gotta start gathering yew.

You got it?

You gotta make your yew turn on them.

What am I saying?

They're here, they're here!

Look out for the zombies!

Oh, jeez.

All those years of therapy shot to shit.

So.

So.

It's you.

It's you.

Evidently.

You can't escape, you know.

I won't surrender.

Good, I like a challenge.

You want to take over the world.

I said I like challenges.

I won't let you.

You can't stop me.

Maybe not.

But I can try.

I know what you are.

You've learned the nearly forgotten secret

of formula H-73,

the chemical developed during the Spanish-American War

to demoralize the enemy by causing increased hair loss,

and increased lima bean crop yields.

But it had a side effect.

It turned people into unfeeling sex crazed zombies.

Well, it won't work, because there's more to life

than sex and pleasure and smooth skin.

There's love and honor and shaving.

You think so?

Well, we'll see.

You might like even sleeping with your stud Mick.

I do.

Uh-oh.

You won't any more.

♪ Whoa

Ow.

♪ Woke up this morning with an ache in my head ♪

♪ Got a little crazy

♪ Now I'm feelin' half dead

♪ Drinkin' last night didn't make it go away ♪

♪ Should have the same if I make it today ♪

♪ I just can't wait till it makes me numb again ♪

♪ When I go back and then

♪ She's my only friend

♪ Whoa

♪ Same old me

♪ It's the same old remedy

♪ Whoa

Let her go!

Not yet, I'm almost there.

Let her go, or I'll let you have it!

What?

That zombie's dangerous.

All God's creatures have a right to life.

What makes you think I'm God's creature?

Don't quibble.

Now you, you zombie.

You get out of here.

Get out of town.

Never come here again.

Next time!

Count on it!

Whew.

Do you know what you've unleashed on the world?

The terror, the horror?

We mustn't raise our hands against one another.

We must learn to live in peace and harmony.

See what I gotta work with here, man?

Lovely, just lovely.

Wait'll they rip your eyebrows off.

They never hurt those that are one with nature.

Uh-huh, okay.

Remember, respect one another.

Yeah.

Whoa.

Peace at last.

Hard about.

Hard about to port, goldang it.

I told you hard about to port.

She don't steer like a ship, you old grunion.

And you don't steer like a captain,

you miserable pool of squid ink.

How was I supposed to know she'd pitch and yaw

like a derelict, you rum head?

Sharon look, that's the captains' truck.

It's a total wreck.

Look at all that yew.

Who, me?

Don't start with me.

Oh, that's one load that won't get

to that tight-ass Sharon Talbot.

I will not sleep until these, these--

Zombies.

Are laid--

They'd like that.

To rest.

Are you with me?

Me?

A barber?

Need you ask?

You know what this means, don't you?

We'll never be able to sleep soundly,

never be able to trust anyone.

Always on the run, always on the lookout.

Never a home or a life of our own.

You mean, we're going to Los Angeles?

It'll be a totally different way of life.

And we can charge it.

All right!

Wow, Beverly Hills.

Land of silicone and liposuction.

A perfect hideout for Yvonne.

Whoa, that guy just missed me by a hair.

Look out, Sven, these people

are hairless and brainless.

Beverly Hills.

Sharon, slow down.

Look, that trolley's out of control.

My God.

Ahh, no brakes!

God Teddy, your legs are so smooth.

Did you get them, you know, done?

Chez Yvonne on Rodeo.

Everybody gets done there.

It has opened up a whole new world

of friction free ecstasy for me, you know.

Towels, ladies?

Oh, life is finally worth living,

without all that pesky body hair.

What's that address again?

Excuse me, the garden is outside.

We're not here for hedge trimming.

Ladies and gentlemen, this salon is closed.

Closed?

Do you know the contagion that this waxing process

is wreaking on the country?

You may not have to shave your legs for six months, sure,

but the cost is incalculable.

First time is free.

Your first time is well beyond free.

You lose all feeling, all emotion.

You become obsessed with satiating your deepest desires

at the cost of your fellow man.

And that might be all right for you people

here in Beverly Hills, but not for the rest of America.

And on top of all that, you lose your desire to shop.

Mom, Mom, are you okay?

Stop with the dust, Sharon, jeez.

Oh, how could I have been so blind?

Oh Mom.

Mom, listen to me.

Go home now, leave.

If you, if you listen to us, we can help you, set you free.

It was kind of fun dear, but now,

stubble.

Just leave this all behind, it's a bad dream, that's all.

It did have its compensations, though.

Mom!

Oh, oh.

Oh God, that feels so good.

Rats.

Oh baby, oh baby, faster, faster, faster,

get it in, oh, oh.

Oh baby.

Get it in, oh, oh.

Hey babe.

Ooh.

Remember, the real Mick died months ago.

Only his follicles.

Remember the good times we had?

Remember how they ended.

They can come again.

You and me and some recreational underwear.

It's all possible.

Bet me.

Let's bet.

What about Yvonne?

My God, Sharon!

You saved me.

I mean, til now, I was just a stud, right?

How can I thank you?

You putz!

I told you not to go to the old Augusta house,

and off you go, two-timing me with some

artificially maintained motorcycle mama.

I couldn't help it.

It's my hormones.

How's that for hormones?

You were pretty hard on him.

Zombie or no zombie,

wax or no wax,

nobody two-times me.

I'll remember that.

Yes, so will I.

So, you've been busy, I see.

Extremism in the battle to rid the world

of your infestation is no vice.

Oh, my my my, even you hairy ones can wax poetic.

You ain't seen nothing yet, lady.

Ciao, Yvonne.

Again.

Again.

Running a little short of your precious shavings?

Take them.

Now what was that, ciao?

Dusted them zombies, by cracky.

A-yup, shaving grace.

I told you I caught the breath of

an evil wind in this town.

If it ain't them zombies, it's barnacles.

Ain't no speed rake gonna loosen 'em up

when they're that tight on a feller's ass.

Explains why these folks walk so damn funny.

A-yuh.

Nice try, Talbot.

But as usual, you didn't make it to the climax.

No brakes!

You've been saying that since San Francisco!

Feels so strangely unsatisfied.

It's the anti-climax, that's all.

I'll uh, meet you back in Daneport, Sharon?

Perhaps, Mick.

Now go on, get going before I wax you a bald spot.

How long,

how long til people

listen to us,

til they understand there's no sin in shaving,

til they realize the danger?

As long as it takes, I guess,

until they realize

it's no sin to see a barber.

I'm telling you, there's no one under there.

There's this cape,

and this gooey, waxy stuff.

You sure there was a rider on this bike?

I mean, maybe the bike was just parked here.

I mean, she ain't here now, unless she was

made out of wax or something.

♪ We're wheelin' our bikes everywhere ♪

♪ Comin' to wax off your hair

♪ So you all better beware

♪ 'Cause we're hot wax zombies

♪ We're almost there

♪ We're the hot wax zombies on wheels ♪

♪ Hot wax zombies on wheels

♪ Hot wax zombies on wheels

♪ Hot wax zombies on wheels

Again, again.

Running a little short on shavings.

Maybe.

Pity.

Cut.

Aw, shit.

That was a hit.

I will now play another hit, though I don't know

why anybody listens to this mierda.

Where is everybody?

Don't they want to get rid of that

pesky body hair forever.

Damn it.

Thanks, Sven.

That ought to keep the couches of Beverly Hills shrinks

warms for years after this.

All I need now are some compliant,

nubile hairless 18-year-old girls to make my life complete.