Original subtitles

Well, what do you want? Can't a man have a little privacy?

- The check, Mr. Miller. - Oh, the check.

- Is this check any good? - Why, yes, sir.

- We'll find out. There you are. - Thank you.

Don't give me any of that "thank you" stuff.

Mr. Miller, many times I have seen your company

rehearsing on the 19th floor.

Please, I would like to play the part of the Polish miner.

My advice to you is to stay where you are.

Most actors would be tickled to death to get as close

to a lamb chop as you, and I do mean you.

You're wanted on the phone, Mr. Miller.

Give him a dime.

Hello?

Oh, Christine. Oh, hello, babe. How are you?

I'm gonna be a little late.

I can't leave until Mr. Fremont goes to lunch. Is that alright?

Get to rehearsal as soon as you can.

I'm making a star out of you.

And you only invested $250 in the show.

Alright. Bye.

Please,impresario,I read you what the Russian critic

Yakubovich, say about my interpretation of Uncle Vanya.

That's very interesting. Just when did he say that?

Just before he was shot.

It is just like in America, three and a half stars!

And then, in the second act

with 300 peasants doing the Kazatsky.

♪ Rum tum trrr rum tum.. ♪

Excuse me, Mr. Gribble.

Gordon, I wanna talk to you.

Joe, I never talk to a hotel manager on a full stomach.

Gordon, this whole thing is a mess.

If you're referring to that meal I had, you're right.

I knew this would happen.

Shouldn't have allowed you in this hotel.

Don't be impatient, I'll pay this bill

as soon as I find some backers for my show.

You can't shake suckers out of your sleeve.

Anyhow, I can't.

Gordon, I'm in a terrible spot.

Mr. Wagner, the supervising director

is downstairs now, inspecting the books.

Wagner? I thought he wasn't coming for another two months.

He walked in on me unexpectedly.

He'll discover your bill any minute.

Twelve hundred dollars worth of credit to a shoestring producer.

How will I explain it?

If he finds out you're my brother-in-law

it'll cost me my job.

It was a business proposition.

In return for credit to me and 22 of my actors

I gave you a 10% interest in the show.

Don't forget, you begged to get in on the ground floor.

You mean, I was railroaded into it by you and Flossie.

Do me a favor and kindly keep your wife's name out of this.

Do you realize you're talking about the woman you love?

And besides, she happens to be my sister. On my mother's side.

Hello, boss. Ha ha.

- The rehearsal, she's a wonder. - Hello, Binelli.

Yes, sir, it's wonderful.

I still think it's a terrible play

but it makes a wonderful rehearsal.

Hello, room service.

Just a minute, Binelli. You can't eat here anymore.

Well, there's only one thing to do, Joe. I'll scram.

Gordon, I can't let you skip. Leave your luggage.

I'll leave my luggage. But we can wear a lot of clothes.

Hey, Binelli. Put on three of my suits..

Give me room 1922. Faker? Here we go again.

Come on down, give us a hand.

Look, you don't want 22 people skipping in one day.

- Do you, Joe? - Of course not, but I..

'Joe, their bills are charged to me.'

So they can't be held responsible.

Once I'm out, we'll have the cast re-register

under their names.

Starting today instead of one big bill

you'll have 22 little ones.

Hello? Joe, it's for you.

Hello. Yes, Mr. Wagner. I'll be right down.

I'll be out of here in 15 minutes.

Seventeen years in the hotel business

and I have to pull a stunt like this.

This only proves what I always said.

The hotel is a no good.

I'm afraid you're right, Binelli.

Can you put me up for the night?

Yes, but you'll have to sleep on the shelf.

- Why not the floor? - I'm on the floor.

- What happened to the bed? - Can't get it out of the wall.

'Come on, Faker, give us a hand.'

I see you came prepared.

No, he just don't believe in shirts.

Oh, an atheist, eh?

Maybe he can put me up for the night.

At the Metropole? You don't wanna stop there.

'That's the worst schlock house on Eighth Avenue.'

'Well, looks like I'll have to curl up on the shelf with you.'

'Sure. You're much better off.'

'Besides, you'd have to sleep sideways at his place.'

'I thought he had a large bed there.'

He has, but he's got four other guys living with him.

They're packed in like a bunch of sardines.

- What, running out again? - 'Hello, beautiful.'

You must stay. I found a backer for you.

- He's coming. - Where'd you get him?

He's an investing agent, named Jenkins.

He came to the office and asked for an interview with Fremont.

He has money to invest in a play.

What kinda straitjacket did he wear?

I talked him out of doing business with Fremont.

Told him about you.

I gave him a copy of "Hail and Farewell" which he's reading.

Too bad you made the appointment up here.

I donno what to do. Stay, I may lose the cast.

If you don't, you'll lose your backer.

You must be here when he comes.

- That may be Mr. Jenkins. - Man the pumps, boys.

Here.

Just a minute.

- Mr. Gordon Miller? - In the flesh.

- My name is Davis. - Davis?

Yes, the author of "Hail and Farewell."

Oh, well, this is a surprise.

I guess I should have telegraphed you I was coming.

Not at all. Don't mind the state of the room.

We were just cleaning up a bit.

- I hope I'm not intruding. - Certainly not.

This is Miss Marlowe who's gonna star in your play.

This is Mr. Binelli, my assistant.

And this is Mr. England, the brains of the organization.

That'll give you an idea of the organization.

Well, I guess I'll go down and register.

You intend to check in here?

Well, before I do that

there's something I'd like to talk to you about.

You see, I haven't any money to speak of.

Oh.

I was depending on the advance.

Davis, of course, I could give you the money.

It's really of no importance.

But my advice to you is to go back home.

I'll send for you, a week before we open.

Oh, but you see, I've left home for good.

I've burned my bridges behind me.

But you could go back if you wanted to?

My mother seemed very happy when I left.

Only a mother's mask.

Right now, she'll be sitting at the fireside

wringing her hands.

- But we have no fireside. - You have no fireside?

How do you listen to the President's speeches?

What time does the next bus leave for Oswego?

- Excuse me, Miss Marlowe... - You'll thank me for this.

- I appreciate your advice... - Next bus leaves at 9:02.

- Hurry and you can make it. - It's air-cooled.

I'll help you with your bags.

Davis, this is your most important decision of your life.

Now, wait a minute. I don't want to appear stubborn.

- But I couldn't go back now. - Now, listen, Davis...

If you have lost interest in my play, just say so.

It isn't that.

I'm sure Morton Fremont would buy it.

I've got a letter of introduction to him.

- Fremont? - I guess you've heard of him.

Davis, I'm beginning to see your point.

You just don't wanna go home.

- Well, that's it. - No use forcing our opinion.

It might make him neurotic. Now, about this advance.

All you actually need it for is board and lodging?

- Yes. - Davis, your problem is solved.

You move right in here with us.

- Oh, no.. - No, no, not another word.

You are my guest. This is Liberty Hall.

- You mean live with you? - Precisely.

Oh, thanks. Thanks a lot.

Oh, Davis, if you have any money on you

it'll be a good idea if I put it in my vault.

I have 67 cents.

You got 67 cents, and you're asking us for an advance?

He's always clowning.

If you fellas don't mind, I think I'll wash up.

Yeah, go ahead. The rest of us are already washed-up.

There's only one thing to do.

Ask Mr. Fremont for an advance on my salary.

Thanks. I still have some cinders left

in my ears from that train ride.

Save them for fuel, Davis. It looks like a hard winter.

Faker, I'm surprised at you.

Yeah, you ought to be ashamed of yourself, robbing a stranger.

I think he's reforming. He didn't steal the picture.

Yes, that's the first encouraging sign I've seen.

Now I know how Gypsy Rose Lee feels.

Hail and Farewell. Author, author, author!

Hello? Who wants Binelli?

Hold on. Do you know any policeman?

Policeman? What's his number?

Hello? What's that?

But, officer, this is the first I hear about this.

Okey-doke. I'll be right over.

Well, what do you know. I've just been dispossessed.

Dispossessed? From that rattrap?

I know what I'll do. I'll hock the typewriter.

- Oh, no, you don't. - You explain it to Davis.

Never mind. I'm gonna hock it myself.

I need it more than you. The cop wants to gimme a ticket.

My moose head is blocking the fire pump.

- Wait a minute! - I can't wait. I gotta have it!

If I don't hurry, the cop will dispossess me from the sidewalk.

Say, this certainly is a nice bathroom.

I never lived in a hotel before.

Oh, I had a valet come and lay out your things.

- Oh, thanks. - I'll go and register for you.

If anyone calls, I'll be right back.

Hello?

Is this the We Never Sleep Collection Agency?

Well, this is Leo Davis of Oswego.

Oh, no, I'm living here at the Hotel White Way, room 920.

Yeah, that's right.

Well, I got behind in my payments on the typewriter

and they turned it over to you for collection.

Now, if you'll send a man over here

I'd be only too glad to pay off the balance.

Come in.

Oh, that's quite alright. Goodbye.

Oh, I'm sorry. I thought that this was Mr. Miller's room.

- It is. He'll be right back. - Are you an actress?

No. No, I'm the manager's secretary, Miss Manny.

Well, what will I tell Mr. Miller?

Why, nothing. I mean..

- No, no, it's not important. - Excuse me.

What did you say your name was?

Manny. Hilda Manny.

I used to know somebody called Manny up in Oswego.

- Oscar Manny? - Yeah.

He used to give me piano lessons.

- Why, he's my uncle. - You don't tell me.

Well, what do you know.

- Well, won't you sit down? - Thank you.

Would you care for a chocolate?

- I got them on the train. - Thanks.

Twelve hundred dollars.

Gribble, I can't understand what's going on here.

- You say Miller skipped? - Yes, Mr. Wagner.

- When did he skip? - Well, I-I'm not sure.

I just want to know one thing, Gribble.

What in blazes goes on inside that head of yours?

But, Mr. Wagner, I explained.

The credit limit of this unit is $500.

Miller kept stringing me along from day to day

showing me backers, telegrams.

I never expected him to skip. He's a crook, a deadbeat.

- I'll have him arrested. - I'm sorry, Gribble.

I'll have to charge you with the difference between

the limit and loss. It'll be exactly $700.

- Mr. Wagner, I protest! - Gribble!

I was sent here to put this unit on its feet.

If I succeed, there's a vice-presidency waiting for me.

And I'm not gonna let anybody stand in my way!

I'm going up to room 920 to find out for myself.

I almost forgot what I came in for.

But since you wrote the show

I'll ask you instead of Mr. Miller.

You see, it's, uh, well, it's about an actor.

- Someone you like? - Oh, I think he's wonderful.

Oh, I see.

Well, he's a waiter in the hotel.

He was a big star in Russia in the Moscow Art Theater.

The Moscow Art Theater?

He could play the father in "Hail and Farewell."

He's quite a middle-aged man

and, well, he's getting so discouraged.

Anything you can do for him would..

Gee, I just can't picture you with a middle-aged man.

But I don't..

No, no. It's nothing like that. It's just a favor I'm doing him.

Oh, I see.

Well, sure. I'd be glad to hear him act anytime.

Say, who knows? I may be discovering a great actor.

Oh, you've made me so happy.

Well, I guess I'd really better be going now.

Thanks for everything and for the chocolates too.

Maybe I could hear that Russian actor act now.

I'd like to meet him if you could be there too.

Well, that's wonderful. Come on down.

Well, keen.

I'll get him, he can act for us on the mezzanine.

That's swell.

I can't understand this, Gribble.

They checked in Davis without cleaning the room?

That's what the clerk said.

The more I get into this thing the less I seem to know.

But there's one thing I'm sure of.

There's a screw loose in this hotel somewhere.

And I'm gonna find it!

Mr. Wagner, give me a chance to investigate.

Investigate? You allow this chiseler to move in.

Move in 22 other people, 22 people I can't even find!

And now..

- You're Mr. Davis? - Huh?

- Mr. Miller, perhaps? - No, wrong again.

Jumping butterballs, they've already checked in another man!

- And that makes 23! - There must be some mistake.

There is. Who's living here, anyway?

I'll take that. I'll find out what's going on here.

Boy, I had a tough time getting him through the revolving door.

Don't talk to me.

What's that? In the dining room?

I'll be right down.

- Don't leave this room. - Mr. Wagner...

There are 22 people having dinner down there

and charging it all to Miller!

- Jumping butterballs! - He's mad.

I thought Gordon was gonna skip.

He's not the skipper he used to be.

We're expecting a backer so we changed our plans.

Yes, and Wagner's charging me with $700 of Miller's bill.

- Me, personally. - Kiss me, Joe.

Christine just brought me a backer.

Backer, backer. I'm sick of hearing that word.

Then you went and registered this Davis.

Anybody want me?

- Are you Davis? - Leave it to me, Joe.

- Have you any money? - Why, no, I haven't.

Oh, Are you from the We Never Sleep Collection Agency

I'm the hotel manager. Let me tell you something, Mr. Davis.

There's $1200 charged against this room.

And if you move in here, you'll be billed for half of it.

Say, what sort of a hotel is this?

You move in, and you owe $600 right away.

- Pay no attention to him. - He's excited.

I'm not excited. Gordon, you don't have a dime.

You never will have. You have ruined me.

Come on, Joe, you gotta give him a chance.

I'm sick of hearing about your backers.

Yes? Speaking. Oh, Mr. Jenkins. Yes, come right up.

Joe, we're out of the woods. My backer's on his way up now.

Tell Wagner that if he doesn't behave himself

I'll buy this hotel and make him a bellhop.

That's too good for him. I'll make him a guest.

- Your backer's really coming? - He's on his way up now.

Now, leave us alone for 15 minutes.

Wagner told me not to but I guess this is important.

You bet it is.

Well, what's the matter with you, Oswego?

I'm just a little disappointed, that's all.

You told me you were a great manager.

I am a great manager.

A great manager never puts his own money into a play.

You were all so nice and so kind.

I thought I was moving into some sort of a club.

Look, everybody does it this way.

Every honest producer has a backer.

A manager puts his own money in the play

you know he's a crook.

Shh. Money.

- Mr. Jenkins, I believe. - Yes. Mr. Miller?

Come right in.

This is Mr. Binelli, my treasurer.

How do you do, Mr. Jenkins?

- Mr. Davis, my author. - How do you do?

Mr. Jenkins, I'm glad to meet you.

I've never met a backer before.

Won't you be seated, Mr. Jenkins?

Thank you.

I presume Miss Marlowe told you all about our meeting?

- Quite. - You have a copy of my play.

- It's a great idea, isn't it? - Quite.

I enjoyed the play very much.

I'm the investing agent for a very wealthy man.

I'm sure you'd recognize the name if I mentioned it.

Who is he? Do I know him?

You see, there's a young lady involved.

Oh, and she would like to play a small part?

How did you know?

It came to me in a dream, Mr. Jenkins.

Well, my employer's ready to put up $15,000.

Fifteen thousand dollars?

Well, I-I think we could just about manage on that.

It's a little skimpy.

It is, but by cutting an edge here and there

we could slip through.

I'm sure Davis won't mind writing

a part for the young lady.

I won't change a line in the play.

Shakespeare didn't change any lines.

Shakespeare didn't owe $1200.

You wouldn't have to change a line.

The young lady can play one of the miners.

But the miners are all men.

Do me a favor and keep sex out of this conversation.

I've never produced anything but clean plays.

If you have the papers ready, I'll sign them

and give you the check, at say 10:30 tomorrow morning?

Shall we say at your office at 10:30 tomorrow?

Why not here?

You mean, up-up here?

I'd rather not meet at my office.

There's always the danger of publicity.

You can easily understand my client's position.

Well, tomorrow morning, 10:30, then.

You couldn't make that tonight, huh?

No, I'm afraid not. Tomorrow morning at 10:30.

It's a pleasure to see so much enthusiasm and youth.

See you all tomorrow.

Goodbye. Watch the traffic light.

♪ We got a backer, we got a backer ♪

♪ We got a backer ♪

Great news, Joe! I've got the money.

Yeah, we got a backer, Joe. $15,000.

Glory be.

I'll have the check tomorrow morning at 10:30.

Couldn't you get some money on account?

I couldn't. It might have spoiled everything.

We have to have money today. Wagner's furious.

Mr. Miller, your entire cast has been locked out.

He can't. If I lose my cast, I'll sue him.

If I lose my backer, I'll kill him.

Gordon, don't start anything else.

The actors gotta sleep someplace.

Can't you put them in the ballroom overnight?

Suppose Wagner sees them in the ballroom.

If Wagner comes in, they'll start dancing.

Alright, alright. Here are the keys.

- I'll take care of it. - Tell them to keep quiet.

- I will. - And do soft-shoe dancing.

- I'm gonna get out of here. - You can't do that.

I don't wanna lose my clothes. They're all I've got.

What's this?

They've checked somebody else in?

- Why, no. This is Mr. Miller. - Ha ha.

So you didn't skip after all.

Mr. Wagner, I demand you reopen those rooms on the 19th floor.

The occupants are my guests. I'm responsible for their bill.

Then who's responsible for yours? Davis?

I'm responsible for Davis.

- And who are you? - I'm Davis.

Gribble, he's skipping right under your very nose!

I am not skipping!

No, we're just bringing some things in.

Miller, I want a substantial payment.

Are you prepared to make it?

'I'll give you the entire $1200 tomorrow.'

Tomorrow won't do. We must have something today.

You have an empty theater downstairs.

You haven't rented for three years and this is your chance.

- Gimme till tomorrow and... - I am not interested.

Miller, I'll give you just 20 minutes to clean up this bill.

- Otherwise.. - I'll be locked out?

I see you're familiar with hotel procedure. Very well.

Now, don't try the old gag of staying in the room.

I'll force you out! I'll send in painters! Fumigators!

You should have sent in fumigators weeks ago.

Go on, Gribble.

I'll pull this hotel out of the red

if I have to check into every room myself.

By Godfrey!

Now I am gonna lose my clothes.

What's the matter?

No!

- What's the matter now? - How do you like that?

Because he owes six months' rent, they threw him out.

Well, $6 is $6.

- He intends to stay here? - I guess so.

You mean four of us in one room?

That's without the painters and fumigators. Let's fight it out.

Gotta keep this room until 10:30 in the morning or we're doomed.

- We'll have to sleep in shifts. - I'll take the night shift.

You take the night shift, and I'll take the day shift.

And I'll be in Scotland afore you.

Is there a tourist camp in the neighborhood?

Wait a minute.

- Suppose one of us got sick. - That's the idea.

They can't put a sick man out. It's against the law.

I had kidney trouble at the Astor

and gallstones at the Plaza.

Those were the happy days.

Why didn't I think of it before? Binelli, into that bed.

No, it's no good. I'm not registered.

Faker! Get into that bed.

No, he's no good too. He's not registered.

Davis.

- What's the matter with you? - You look terrible.

- Well, I feel fine. - No, you don't.

Wait a minute! What are you trying to do to me?

- You gotta play sick. - Or we lose the room.

- You can't let me down! - I'm in good health!

- You're contagious. - Yeah, the measles.

- I've had the measles! - It's a relapse.

Get the iodine and give him a case of measles.

- Gimme a chance to think. - No time to think.

This will keep us in the hotel.

'Couldn't I have a disease with my clothes on?'

'Hey, leave me alone, will you? What are you gonna do to me?'

Hey, make it bigger. That don't look like measles.

That looks like a freckle.

- Come on, will you? - Alright, alright.

Now, take it easy.

'No!'

Oh, that's beautiful! You're a second Michelangelo.

Slip this to him while I check if the coast is clear.

It's room 920, and I wanna get them out right away.

Don't worry, Boss, we'll have them right out.

I'll show them they can't fool around with me.

Here comes trouble!

- Not me, boss. Not me. - That's worse than murder.

Well, what the..

Jumping butterballs!

I'm weak. If I don't get something to eat pretty soon

I'm gonna collapse.

Say, we're just as hungry as you are.

Yeah, but you fellas are used to it.

I've never gone without food for 18 hours before.

It's all a matter of willpower, if you just make up your mind.

I can make up my mind, but what about my stomach?

How about a two-handed game of pinochle while we fast?

No, I'm just going to concentrate on food.

If there was only something left we could hock.

- How about that moose head? - Oh, no, you don't!

I shot him with my own hands. I ate him up to the neck.

But I refuse to part with the rest of him.

If I could get my watch out of hock, I'd hock it again.

I'm so hungry I see spots before my eyes.

Me too.

Mine are beginning to look like hamburgers.

If you see one with onions, save it for me.

Gee, my mother is the best cook in Oswego.

Alright, alright, you're breaking my heart.

- Room service. - Gotta use a different dialect.

Hello?

This is Dr. Glass.

Glass, the house physician.

The patient in room 920 is very ill.

He must have food immediately.

He just developed a tapeworm.

Tapeworm?

I see.

He said the tapeworm will have to register.

Two hours ago, you told me Faker was coming here with a turkey.

- That he won in a raffle. - Maybe he's getting it stuffed.

I didn't say he won it. I said he was gonna win it.

After all, he's running the raffle. He has as good a chance.

All you've done is take advantage of me.

You pawned the silver frame off my mother's picture

you stole my roller skates

and you even took 67 cents out of my pocket

while I was asleep.

I had to feed a cast of 22 people, didn't I?

I wasn't here 10 minutes when you'd pawned my typewriter.

That isn't even my property.

I still owe money on it.

Why, I may even be arrested!

- Gee. - What's the matter?

My head's going around.

Must have been something you ate.

- Get into that bed! Get in. - Come on, come on, hurry up.

- Hello. - How do you do,impresario?

- Oh, hello, Mr. Smirnoff. - Oh.

I am sorry. You don't feel good, Mr. Davis?

I promised Mr. Smirnoff we'd hear him

read the part of the father.

Thank you, Mr. Davis.

Binelli, we might have a part for Sasha.

Well, maybe.

Stand over there, Sash.

Turn around.

What do you think, Binelli?

He looks just right to me.

I could eat him raw.

Sasha, could you get us a meal out of the hotel?

But they shut you off room service.

I know, if you could make a mistake, like delivering

the right meal to the wrong room.

Deliver a meal to the wrong room?

We got a terrific part for you.

A terrific part?

Yes, but unless Davis gets some food

in his system, he'd be too weak to tackle it.

I don't care about food for myself, Sash.

But if you let a great author starve to death

his blood will be on your hands.

You know what the penalty is for murder in this country?

Well, I just left a big order on service elevator.

I got to deliver him upstairs, but I don't know.

You see, I take big chance.

It might lead to a Hollywood contract.

Hollywood! Oh..

Gentlemen, you are singing music in my ears. I..

But if Mr. Wagner find out..

Think of the other Russians who made good in the same way.

- Gregory Ratoff. - Nazimova.

Ginger Rogervich.

Three years I slave in the kitchen.

I no got courage. But now I got courage!

I do it!

Gee, he has a lot of talent.

Sure. I've seen him carry 12 dishes at one time.

How do you do? I'm looking for Mr. Leo Davis.

- And who are you? - My name is Timothy Hogarth.

I represent the We Never Sleep Collection Agency.

Come in, Mr. Hogarth.

It's a pleasure to meet a man who never sleeps.

Come and take a nap some time.

Yes. We can go in vaudeville together.

You never sleep, and we never eat.

- Well, is Mr. Davis about? - No, Mr. Davis is not here.

Oh!

How soon will he be back?

Mr. Hogarth, I have bad news for you.

I'm afraid he's never coming back.

Oh... gone away?

- They took him away. - Oh.

Is he ill?

Worse than that. He went crazy.

Glory be.

- Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. - Hm.

But I understand that he got in from Oswego yesterday.

No, he escaped from Oswego.

- Poor man. - Hm.

Well, there's a matter of $42 due on his typewriter

which I've been delegated to collect.

I'm afraid you'll never get it.

He tore up all his money.

Tore? Well, he must be out of his mind.

Well, in that case, I'll have to take back the typewriter.

- Oh, he took it with him. - To the madhouse?

He likes to hear the little bell ring.

Well, I've never made any collections in a madhouse.

I have my orders.

- Where did they take him? - The maternity hospital.

Maternity hospital? But I thought you said he was crazy.

Well, if he wasn't crazy, he wouldn't go

to the maternity hospital, would he?

You can't miss him. Second straitjacket to the left.

Oh.

Oh, by the way, don't mention it to the hotel people.

Oh, no. I understand. Good day, gentlemen.

- Good day. Good day. - Good day.

You shouldn't have told him a thing like that.

Why not? You can't sue a lunatic.

They may send a letter to my mother.

So what? Your mother knows you're not crazy.

Gee, I don't know where I'm at.

Mr. Gribble says I owe $600.

Downstairs, they think I've got a tapeworm.

And this man thinks I'm a lunatic.

'Did you get the turkey?'

- It's a miracle. - Food!

- Close the door. - I got it.

Surround the turkey.

Well, we had no cranberries anyhow.

Gentlemen, I bring you banquet.

Food!

I'll come back for the dishes.

Snap the lock, Sash.

Well, I hate to double-cross that Russian waiter

but we can't fire the actor we've got.

He's been rehearsing seven weeks now without pay.

You mean you promised him the part just to get a meal?

No, that's not quite true.

When I made that offer, I was prepared to go through with it.

But now that I've eaten, I see things a little differently.

Hello? For you, Davis.

Hello?

Oh, hello, Hilda.

Oh, no, I'm not really sick.

I can explain everything.

All right, I'll meet you down in the lobby right away.

Yeah, I'd love to.

Goodbye.

Where are you going?

I'm going to meet the woman I love.

But, you're supposed to be sick in bed.

That's the only thing keeping this play alive.

The fact that we've got a sick man.

Don't you want the play to go on?

'Listen, you starved and robbed me'

and I went along, because I thought I owed it to the play.

Well, there's one thing more important than any play.

And that's love. It only comes once in a lifetime.

Well, once is enough for me.

I'm going now. And I'll break any man that tries to stop me.

That's a fine thing.

Yesterday we wanted you to go home. You didn't wanna go.

Now we want you to stay. You wanna go.

- Make up your mind. - My mind is made up!

Love. He talks just like one of the characters in his play.

I don't know. I like love.

I like it too, but there's a time and a place for everything.

I like it any time.

Hey, Faker, how about you? Was you ever in love?

Of course I like them a little bigger.

I'll get it.

- Hello, Christine. - Hello.

Well, where did this banquet come from?

One of the waiters wants to be an actor.

And I borrowed $2 from the porter.

Dashed out of the office, and expected to find

you all gnawing at the carpet.

- Got the contract? - Copied it from Fremont's best.

It's in the bag next to the corn beef sandwich.

- This, with the mustard on it? - Yeah.

You know, I think I'm gonna like this.

I never had a contract with mustard on it before.

- Open the door! - Wagner!

Faker, get into that bed. You got to play sick.

'Christine, sit there and play nurse.'

'Faker, get in there and start groaning.'

Just a minute! Get that banana out of your mouth.

Where's the iodine? He's supposed to have measles.

Forget the measles. He's got a tapeworm now.

'Open the door.'

Just a minute, Mr. Wagner. There seems to be something

wrong with this lock.

Miller, how did that meal get here?

Dr. Glass ordered it for the patient.

Dr. Glass did nothing of the kind.

I refuse to argue with a house dick.

I'm not a dick. I'm a doctor. Dr. Glass.

I want to know how this meal got up here.

Can't I get to the bottom of anything?

They check in. They check out. They skip. They don't skip.

They get sick. And now this meal.

I'll fire that waiter. I'll fire the whole darn kitchen!

Shh. Quiet, please.

There's a patient in the room.

- Mr. Davis has a tapeworm. - Last night it was measles.

I'm not responsible for complications

she's got laryngitis too. We had to get a nurse.

That groan doesn't sound authentic to me.

Wait a minute. That's not Davis.

I met him yesterday. He wasn't anything like that.

Certainly not. The man's aged 10 years

on account of service in this hotel.

Well, his hair wasn't red yesterday.

It's a very rare case. He's got a red tapeworm.

Well, there's certainly something screwy

going on around here.

Miller, will you consent to have this Davis removed

to a hospital, at the expense of the hotel?

It's up to Dr. Binelli. What do you think, doctor?

The patient is too sick to be moved.

- How do you feel, young man? - He's hungry all the time.

Please let the patient speak for himself.

How can he speak for himself when he's got laryngitis?

I insist the patient speak for himself!

There you are. You heard what he said.

Please hurry, doctor. It's time for the patient's nap.

He won't sleep till I find out what's going on here.

Miller, you've committed fraud.

Only thing that keeps me from killing him is the remote

possibility that this man might have some disease.

His pulse is normal.

That's what you think, you little quack.

Quack? I refuse to be insulted.

Doctor, I question your ethics. I'll have you investigated.

Say "Ah."

No, no. A-ah.

'No, no. A-ah.'

'A-a-ah.'

'A-a-ah.'

A-ah.

A-ah.

A-ah.

You'll never be able to see the tapeworm that way.

Gribble, I thought you knew better.

Allowing yourself to be hoodwinked this way by a...

- This is all so unnecessary. - I handle in a different way.

I don't like your way!

- It's not the White-Way way! - I'm the manager here.

And you can't insult my guests!

'What guests? The whole floor is empty! You locked them out!'

I'll lock out this deadwood too!

- You and who else? - 'Go to your office and argue.'

- There's a sick man here. - Doctor. Do something!

Get him healthy! Get him out of here!

Calm down Wagner, my backer will be here any minute.

I'm not interested in your backer.

All I'm interested in is getting this man out of here.

Where are you taking him?

I always consider the modesty of my patients.

I'll step out of the case.

I have terrible news. He has disappeared.

Disappeared?

He's not in the maternity hospital.

- He's gone. - They transferred him.

To the county hospital.

'Go, my friend, before they transfer him again.'

- The county hospital? - There's no time to lose.

- Hail and farewell. - Hail and farewell.

- Hail and farewell. - Hail and farewell.

- Wonderful. - Terrific.

- Sensational. - I didn't think he could do it.

How's that? That was a scene from our second act.

I've been a hotel man for 30 years. I've..

Hello!

Huh?

Yes, this is Mr. Wagner.

What's that?

Nineteen people?

Jumping butterballs!

Nineteen people were discovered living in the ballroom.

Throw them out!

Come on, Gribble. We'll find out about this.

- Now, Wagner.. - Hail and farewell.

Trying to throw my entire cast out of the hotel.

Christine, get down and tell them to wait in the lobby.

Alright.

That man is perfectly well.

Mr. Wagner will be glad to find that out.

Listen, for one minute will you.

- Don't tell him now. - I'll tell him right now.

- How about a piece of the show. - I don't want it.

- Your name in the program. - I don't want it either!

Put that fake doctor's name on the program.

I'm going down to tell..

Where's my bag? What have you done with my bag?

You must've left it in the bathroom, doc.

'Just take it easy, doc.'

'It will only be for a little while.'

- You shouldn't have kissed me. - I just couldn't help it.

I've never done anything like that before.

But I'll forgive you because you were so nice to Sasha.

Well, I guess that'll hold that fake doctor for a while.

Yes? Speaking.

Oh, come right up, Mr. Jenkins.

Binelli, he's here, the backer! He's here!

- Santa Claus. - Neckties. Faker?

Hey, Faker, where are you?

He's Walked out on us. How do you like that?

That's two sick men running around.

You know, Binelli, we may start an epidemic in this town.

Go downstairs and see if you can find him.

If Wagner catches sight of him, we're sunk.

Oh, Mr. Jenkins! How are you? Glad to see you.

- Come right in. - Fine, thanks.

Well, I see we're all alone today.

Yes, I thought... I thought it would be much better that way.

- Yes, much better. - Have the contract right here.

Fifty shares of Hail and■Farewell

made out in the name of Simon Jenkins. Just a few paragraphs.

"Simon Jenkins, 50 shares." Transferable, of course.

- Of course. - I see. That's fine. Fine!

Well, You're going to see the signature on this check anyway..

So, you might as well know who your backer is.

- Did you ever hear of.. - Zachary Fiske?

Zachary Fiske himself. That's the man I represent.

Now you realize why I don't want any publicity.

You don't have to go any further.

Now, this check's made out to me, naturally.

But of course, I'll just endorse it over to you.

"Culver City, California"?

That means about five days before I'll get the money.

I thought I could get started today.

Young energy.

I could have our bank wire a certification to your bank.

- If it isn't too much trouble. - It's no trouble at all.

I'll make a note of it.

Now, if you'll be good enough to sign the contract..

Oh, Mr. Miller. I must remind you once again.

The name of Zachary Fiske

must remain in the background at any cost.

Mr. Jenkins, you have my word, and you know what that's worth.

Where's Davis?

This is the deal I told you about. Give me five minutes...

Miller, you can't put me off any longer.

Now even your phony sick man is gone.

And that gives me right to demand this room immediately.

- Who is this man? - Never mind who I am.

- Who are you? - Will you go away?

You can't take those pictures now.

- Pictures? - Mr. Wagner's my press agent.

- He has an idea... - I have only one idea!

- A publicity man. Mr. Miller.. - Oh, it concerns the cast.

- I'm here for money! - I have the check.

- What check? Whose check? - Who-whose check?

Mr. Jenkins happens to represent one of our greatest finance...

- Mr. Miller! - I don't give a hoot!

For Pete's sake Wagner, will you get out before I fire you?

Fire me? Who do you think you're talking to?

- I don't like this. - Sorry, wrong room.

Isn't that your assistant?

Mr. Gribble take Wagner outta here.

- Gribble, take him out of here! - Shut up!

Take him away. I almost got the check in my pocket.

- Oh, Mr. Wagner, please. - I'm not leaving this room.

- You trying to blackmail me? - Mr. Jenkins.

See what you've done?

Miller's my brother-in-law. I'll vouch for him.

Brother-in-law? Well..

That explains everything. Gribble, you've committed fraud.

- I'll gonna call the police. - Police?

- Here, you mustn't do that. - Mr. Jenkins, please.

I'm not interested in shysters. I'm going for a real producer.

'Look, Mr. Jenkins. Please! Hey, listen.'

Good heavens!

- How do you get out of here? - Dr. Glass!

They've kidnapped him!

Mr. Jenkins, we didn't do it. And we don't know who he is.

He may be left over from the last convention.

How do you like it? It's a scene from our second act.

- I don't like it. - We'll put in another scene.

You can have any scene you want.

- What you gonna do now? - Don't ask me.

You're supposed to be the doctor.

Don't worry, they won't get away with this.

I'll put 'em all behind bars, including Gribble.

- Shall I get you a drink? - Are you alright?

I haven't been alright since you came to this hotel!

You see what your brother-in-law did? His mind's wandering.

My mind's not wandering! I don't blame Miller for tying me up.

He had a perfectly good reason.

He was transacting a legitimate deal.

I hold you responsible for what he did to me.

- You drove him to it. - Say-y-y.

You're not Miller's brother-in-law too?

All I know is Zachary Fiske is backing his play

that's a good enough recommendation for anybody.

- Zachary Fiske? - I heard every word inside.

That man you insulted was an agent for Mr. Fiske.

He has a check for Miller signed by Fiske.

Fiske! Why didn't Miller tell me?

Because he's afraid of publicity.

- Because he's afraid of you! - Everybody's afraid of you.

You steamed in this hotel like a tugboat.

You took charge without faith in anybody's judgment.

Nobody can talk to you! Jumping butterballs!

I'm through with this hotel, Mr. Wagner!

I'll thank you to remove my shingle from the elevator.

Please gentlemen, I'm exhausted.

- But you must listen. - Yeah, it couldn't be helped.

I'm not accustomed to this sort of thing.

Will you please let me outta here?

Excuse me, Mr. Jenkins. I want to apologize.

There's another Miller in the hotel.

- That's none my business. - He had the bills confused.

They have plenty of credit here and can have anything he likes.

Alright. Alright.

Had no idea Zachary Fiske was involved.

Zachary Fiske? How did you? Where did he?

Dr. Glass heard everything, in the bathroom.

- Dr. Glass? Who told him? - It's perfectly alright.

- We'll keep it quiet. - If you just endorse the check.

- I don't feel well. - It'll only take a minute.

- I-I have a weak heart. - Then you better hurry.

- Here's the pen. - I'll vouch for them.

Alright, alright.

Mr. Jenkins, it'd be our pleasure to have you as a guest.

- Entirely without charge. - Thanks just the same.

I'm going direct to my doctor.

Good day, gentlemen.

Will you please show me the right way out of here?

This way, Mr. Jenkins. Right over here. Here you are.

- Goodbye, Mr. Jenkins. - Goodbye.

Bon voyage.

- Miller, I'll take that check. - Oh, no, you don't.

I'll take it. I'm the treasurer.

As soon as the check clears, which will be in about five days

I'd feel happier if you'd let me deposit it in our bank.

- What am I gonna do for money? - Draw against the check.

When the check clears, we'll turn over the balance.

- That's only fair, Gordon. - No. I can't take any chances.

This is a shaky hotel. How do I know you won't go bankrupt?

I'll paper guarantee the whole amount to you personally.

How do we know your credit is good?

I want this bill wiped off my first report.

I can't do that without this check deposited against it.

Gordon, for once in your life, pay a bill.

Oh, you might as well.

Alright, I'll do it for you, Joe.

Oh, thanks, Miller.

And by the way, I wanna move out

of this frowzy little dungeon immediately.

I want the best suite in the hotel.

I'll give you the bridal suite.

Alright, and about three brides.

I'm awfully sorry I misjudged you.

- 'I hope you have a hit.' - 'I'll draw up the lease.'

- Got the check? - Here it is.

- Zachary Fiske? - Well?

Well, hail and farewell.

Goodbye, Mr. Davis.

Ha-ha, ha!

- Christine, I'm paying a bill! - Darling!

Oh, boy that's but how about the cast, boss?

- They can't live in the lobby. - Everybody move in again.

The hotel is wide open.

- Davis? - We're rich!

Fifteen grand!

I just saw Mr. Jenkins in the lobby.

- I suppose he told you. - Yeah, he told me.

He's gonna stop payment on the check.

He said the only reason he endorsed it

was just to get out of here.

But he can't do that. He signed the contract. Or did he?

Gee, I feel sick.

Four months to get it and one minute to lose it.

They can't do this to me.

I'm gonna sue the hotel for $100,000.

You haven't got a leg to stand on.

Then I'll sue Zachary Fiske. I'll sue Jenkins.

But he didn't sign the contract.

There must be somebody I can sue.

Gee, I'm sorry, but I guess I'll have

to take my play to Mr. Fremont.

But you can't do that. It's all we have.

It isn't fair we've worked on it for five months.

I've missed my lunches for rehearsals.

Well, I realize all that

but I can't wait another five months.

I've got to make some money.

You're thinking of Hilda, aren't you?

Not only that, but...

If it's the waiter you're worried about

he'll get the part, won't he?

Gee, I don't know what to say.

- If we only had another backer. - Davis, we have a backer.

Wagner is putting that check through his bank.

- Isn't he? - Yeah.

For five days we have $15,000 worth of credit.

- Gordon, you're not... - Why not? We're all rehearsed.

- We can open in five days. - Sure.

All we need is scenery and costumes.

We can charge that to the hotel.

But it's illegal. It's-it's...

Relax, Davis. Wagner is backing the play.

Jumping butterballs!

Well, Joe, in a little while, our fortune will be made.

Your 10% of the show will make you a rich man.

You and Flossie can have a bridal suite too.

I certainly hope so. That waiter looks great in that part.

- How'd you think of him? - Sasha?

The minute saw him, I said to myself "There's a great actor."

I can spot them a mile away. Especially if I'm hungry.

Come in.

Oh, there you are, Mr. Wagner. They told me you was up here.

- Mr. Wagner? - Oh, it's nothing.

Would you mind signing this receipt again?

- What receipt? - Come back later. I'm busy.

But the bank clerk rejected your signature.

- The bank? - I just signed something.

It's nothing, Joe. Come back in the morning.

I must have it tonight,

This is not Wagner. Let me see that.

- I'm the hotel manager. - Not Mr. Wagner?

No wonder that signature ain't good.

- Good heavens! - It was big a blow to me.

The check, it bounced.

I walks into your office this afternoon..

This gentleman says he's Mr. Wagner and signs a receipt.

The bank won't accept the signature.

Go back to the bank and say Mr. Wagner can't be reached.

- But this is strict orders. - Come back in the morning.

- Fifteen thousand dollars.■ - Now, don't get panicky, Joe.

Pull yourself together.

And for Pete's sake, don't tell Wagner.

I was saving my little surprise till now.

Well..

- How do you like it, Joe? - What? Oh, I, I like it.

Then let's have a drink on it. Right off the ice.

- Finest stuff there is. - I'm overwhelmed.

Well, after all, you're a guest in good standing now, you know?

Of course, you still owe us a little bill, huh, Joe?

- Well? - As soon as I finish dressing.

You know, regardless of how I feel about that fellow

personally, I still think it was a good idea

to make this gesture.

Yes, sir. After all..

Say, you look pale.

- Something wrong? - Oh, I-I don't feel so good.

Hm. Must've been that fish we had for dinner.

The food in this hotel is certainly crummy.

Imagine a shrewd manipulator like Fiske.

Putting his money in a piece of cheese.

Ha-ha! Not me.

Oh, come now. Snap out of it. Take it easy.

Hello?

Oh, at this hour? Well, put him on.

It's a clerk at the bank.

Hello.

Yes, this is Mr. Wagner.

Verify what signature?

What receipt? Just a moment.

Did you sign my name to a receipt today?

Why, uh, no.

What's it for?

Some check came back. Probably some transient.

I have to get a headache powder.

'So, why don't you take this up with my book keeper?'

Well, I can't be bothered with it!

What's that?

Zachary Fiske?

You investigated? He stopped it?

Oh, no, no, no..

In the morning! In the morning!

In the morning! In the morning!

Wagner, you don't know how lucky you are.

You're in the hotel business. No headaches, no worries.

Well, brother Wagner, let's start the champagne flowing.

You don't mind if Binelli joins our little party.

Oh, no, no.

In fact, I insist.

But I hope to make it a real party.

I have another surprise for you boys.

Ha-ha!

A big surprise.

Now, don't go away.

I'd like to get a license to hunt Wagner.

He'd look great alongside of my moose.

Hey, what's the big surprise?

I just ran into Mr. Wagner and he insisted

I come in and have a drink.

He's gone backstage to get Faker, too.

Said he had a great big surprise just for the four of us.

I always thought they celebrated after an opening, not before.

That depends. With a show like this, you celebrate before.

It's hard celebrating while running from an audience

that wants its money back.

Hello?

Gribble.

Yes, Joe?

What's the matter? Who told him?

Joe! Joe!

- Wagner found out? - They called him from the bank.

- Well, what's he going to do? - Joe couldn't talk.

I don't see what you fellas are so frightened about.

Mr. Wagner was bound to discover it anyway.

There's nothing he can do now.

I'm going down and face him.

- Maybe the kid's right. - Come on. Let's go down.

Hey, where do you think you're going? Get back in there.

- Well, you can't keep me here. - Oh, can't we?

- The house dicks. - Get in there, corn-fed.

You can't do this to me. I'm the author.

Here's your hat.

Oh, what's the use? I give up.

I've got actors in the dressing room, scenery on the stage

and an audience in the theater.

And I'm in a hotel room on opening night

waiting to be arrested.

Gee, I never thought I'd be arrested for writing a play.

Curtain goes up in 20 minutes.

Nineteen minutes.

Hilda and I were gonna be married right after the opening.

Congratulations.

Gee, I guess they'll take our fingerprints.

They got mine.

- You've been in jail? - Sure. It's not bad.

You behave yourself, they make you a trustee.

If we only had some money, we could bribe those hotel dicks.

Maybe the hotel would advance us some.

And stay in there!

Well, the quartet is complete.

What will we do now, sing "Sweet Adeline"?

I got an idea. Let's turn in a fire alarm.

'We start a riot, then we could duck out .'

'We can't have a fire alarm without a fire.'

'Then let's have a fire.'

Well, even with a fire, we still got 15 more minutes.

Any more brilliant ideas, Binelli?

How about the window?

How high up are we?

No. That's too high.

You know, there must be an easier way of killing yourself.

I once killed myself.

I mean, that was my initiation into the fraternity.

They made me do a phony suicide act.

I scared the chemistry professor stiff.

Say, this chemistry professor..

...he really believed you committed suicide?

Oh, yes. He was gonna send for an ambulance.

That's just what I was thinking.

- You mean, we carry him out? - Of course.

He drinks poison and we rush him to the hospital.

They have to let us through.

- Oh, that sounds great. - But don't forget.

You haven't got three professors standing out there.

We'll make it look authentic. Davis, you go into the bathroom.

We'll scream. They rush in and there you are.

- Dead as a herring. - No, not dead, just dying.

Yes, that's why we're rushing you

to the hospital. You're in great danger.

Then after you carry me out, we sneak in the theater.

Exactly.

You wouldn't think I came from Oswego five days ago.

Hey, Faker, come here.

You help Davis. Now, you go into the bathroom

and remember, count up to 50 before you start dying.

I know what to do.

Well..

How did you like my little surprise?

In about 15 minutes, when the show's in full swing

the sheriffs will come along and take everybody in.

- Wagner.. - Right in view of the audience!

And now, I'll call my lawyer who will get the sheriffs.

Mr. Wagner, please.

What's that?

Who's in there?

Good heavens!

He committed suicide!

Davis, Davis, here.

- Oh, you-you drove me to it. - What have you done?

'Give me that bottle.'

Get him some water.

- This is terrible. - He drank the whole poison.

Here.

No. That's the poison you're giving him!

Why didn't you stop him?

I didn't take him seriously when he said

you were driving him to suicide.

I suppose I'll have to testify to that at the inquest.

Well, don't stand there, Gribble do something, you idiot.

- Get the house doctor. - Shall I call an ambulance?

No, you blockhead! That means publicity.

He's going fast.

Oh, no, wait. No, wait. No, wait..

An antidote. That'll do it.

Gribble you run down to the drugstore.

And send those house dicks away.

We must keep this quiet.

- He's turning blue. - Oh, we must do something.

We've got to save him. Miller, you work on him.

Don't let him die!

Jumping butterballs!

This is our chance to see the show.

The minute he finds out you're not dying

he'll send for the sheriff and stop it.

There's only one thing for you to do.

Stay here and keep dying for two and a half hours.

- What? - Till the show's over.

Well, why? I wanna see the show.

If you don't keep on dying, there'll be no show.

I can't keep it up for two and a half hours.

- It's alright. We'll help you. - Leo!

Leo. Mr. Gribble said you were dying.

- It's only a plot. I'm alright. - We're in a jam.

Gotta pretend that Leo is dying or Wagner'll close the show.

Oh, I'm beginning to understand.

Good. Go downstairs and keep your eyes open.

If anything goes wrong, tell us.

Just like a play, isn't it? Alright. I'll do my best.

If I don't come back, then you'll know it's good news.

And if you do come back, bring four bottles of poison.

Hurry up, before they come back. And groan, grunt, stagger about.

Don't die too soon. You must take your time.

And you mustn't die before 11 o' clock.

Don't you worry, I'll give you the best performance

you ever saw in a hotel bedroom.

That's the spirit.

- Come on! - Good luck, Davis. Drop dead.

'Are you sure we've got enough?'

If this doesn't, I don't know what else will.

Nobody ever committed suicide in this hotel before.

Here, here's some ipecac give him a plenty.

Come on, Gribble. You're all thumbs.

I'm doing as fast as I can.

Come on, Davis. A little ipecac wouldn't hurt you.

Come on. There you are.

Here, here. Somebody take this and give it to him.

Oh, come on. Come on.

I'm being as fast as I can.

Right down there.

- This will bring him out of it. - 'Oh, I'm so ashamed.'

- You're gonna be fine. - Here.

'Hurry, Gribble, hurry. You don't seem to be doing anything'

How are you now? We always used to use this when we were kids.

Hurry, Gribble.

Come on, put some more eggs in there!

There you are. There's two eggs.

Can't you groan any more?

If I groan once more that ipecac you gave me will come up

and spoil the whole show.

Well, in that case, consider yourself dead.

He's dying.

It's all over. His heart has ceased beating.

What a horrible end.

Such a young man.

All he said was, "Mother."

Oh, oh!

On the stage downstairs, they have

barely begun your immortal second act.

While up here, you have already finished your last act.

Too soon.

Too soon.

He died too soon.

An hour too soon.

I'll never forgive myself for this.

Oh, now, don't take it too hard.

We should have sent for an outside doctor.

But he kept recovering.

And dying.

And recovering again.

It all happened so suddenly.

Yes, too darn suddenly.

Every time we gave him the ipecac he seemed to get better.

Maybe we should have given him more ipecac.

As a matter of fact, I think we gave him too much.

If we could only bring him back.

An hour ago, we were at each other's throats.

And now..

Tsk, tsk, tsk..

Thing like this makes you realize.

It certainly does.

You struggle for money.

What good is it?

- You never know who's next. - Yes.

Here today, gone tomorrow.

Goodbye, Leo.

Good night, sweet prince.

Well, I guess we've all gotta go sometime.

It's too bad he didn't die at the Astor.

You mean, it's bad for the hotel?

Well, it isn't good.

There's bound to be a scandal.

Oh, well, I guess I may as well notify the police.

- Wait, is that necessary? - It's the law.

- But if we could arrange... - Arrange what?

Well, if his body wasn't found in the hotel proper.

Well, naturally, it would help us.

We could dump him in the alley.

Oh, no, no!

How can you be so sacrilegious?

The body not cold yet. What are you thinking of?

I'm not gonna violate the law. I have to call the police.

Listen, there's no hotel law that prevents a couple

of guests from carrying out a drunken friend.

- We'll lug him out the back. - And into the theater.

He'd be in a seat.

"The author saw his play and took poison."

Instead of a suicide, you have a mystery.

And it wouldn't happen in the hotel.

No, I'm sorry. I've got to call the police.

Just a minute, Mr. Wagner.

- Don't phone yet. - Why not?

Well, before they take him from us

couldn't we say a few words over him?

That's the least we could do.

Well, yes, of course.

I, uh..

My friends..

...my heart is too full to say what I really think.

Davis is no longer with us.

It doesn't seem possible.

He was a great playwright who died too soon.

Yes. Well, now..

E pluribus unum.

- Amen. - Yes.

♪ Swing low ♪

♪ Sweet chariot ♪

♪ Comin' for to carry me home ♪

♪ Swing low ♪

♪ Sweet chariot ♪

♪ Comin' for to carry me home ♪

♪ If you get there ♪

♪ Before I do ♪

♪ Comin' for to carry me home ♪

He's not in the county hospital.

♪ Tell all my friends ♪

♪ I'm comin' too ♪

♪ Comin' for to carry me home ♪

Shall I phone for the police now, Wagner?

I'll do it. This whole thing was my responsibility.

You go downstairs. I'll phone the police.

Alright, Wagner.

- Get me the... - Please.

That's the same phone he used when he spoke to his mother

up in Oswego. Only an hour ago.

Alright.

Now, remember.

I don't feel responsible for his death.

I never knowingly hurt anybody in my life.

Wagner, you and I have to dispose of this dead body.

Maybe we could sell it to medical students.

Not with conditions the way they are.

Come on, we'll dump him in the alley.

Me, carry him? I couldn't do that.

We'll just pretend he's drunk. Give me a hand.

I can't! That dagger, that paper!

I'll dispose of the dagger.

Come on, Wagner. We have no time to lose.

- He's not cold yet. - I'll fix that.

I'll phone for some ice.

'Hello, room service.'

Send up enough ice to cool a warm body.

Let's take him down the service elevator.

I won't have him insulted. He'll go with the regular passengers.

Someone might see us! Oh!

Come on.

I can't stand this much longer.

Take it easy. We'll dump him right here.

- We're doomed. - Take it easy.

Well, Mr. Miller, your show is certainly going great.

- Well, that's fine. - What have you got there?

Where? Oh, there.

One of my actors. He passed out from the excitement.

I need him for the third act.

- You'd think he was dead. - Yes, wouldn't you?

Friend looks like he had a snootful too.

Yes, but he'll get over it. Come on, Wagner.

- How do you do, Mr. Miller? - How's it going?

It's a terrific hit, Mr. Miller.

For a little light.

'For this Washington and Lincoln lived.'

And although I speak to you

with a foreign accent

still I speak

for a newer

a freer America!

You win, Vladek.

- They're crazy about it. - What about the other dead man?

With a hit like this

we'll give him the biggest funeral this town has ever had.

- Author! Author! Author! - Shh-h-h!

It isn't over yet.

...not have won except for the sacrifice

of our late comrade

who gave his life that we might win.

Bring the body in.

Let us pay it the last moment of reverence.

♪ Swing low sweet chariot ♪

♪ Comin' for to carry me home ♪

♪ Swing low, sweet chariot ♪

It's going great guns, isn't it, Mr. Wagner?

Oh-h-h!

♪ If you get there before I do ♪

♪ Comin' for to carry me home ♪

Yeah, man.

♪ Tell all my friends I'm comin' too ♪

Sure enough.

♪ Comin' for to carry me home ♪