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- So, we give a lot of tickets
for people doing stuff...
2
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...like jerking off in public
and things you shouldn't really do.
3
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So today we thought we'd do
a new program that we call
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"Operation Frown Upside Down."
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We were going to do that together but...
- Yeah, that's fine.
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- We are gonna give this man a ticket...
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but a ticket to...
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a movie!
- A movie!
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- It's called Book Club Bandit$.
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And get this, the "s" is a dollar sign.
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- And it's staring Jennifer Lopez,
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and Awkwafina who I absolutely love.
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- Watch us blow this guy's mind.
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Sheriff's Department.
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- MAN: Back away from my car!
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- JONES: Holy shit!
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- Sir, I'm trying to give you
free popcorn, you motherfucker!
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- Good morning, prince charming.
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You remember why we pulled you in here?
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- You wanna remind me, blue eyes?
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- You flunked a field sobriety test
and we impounded your Harley.
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- Oh, shit.
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Can I ask you a question?
- Sure.
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- Are you really a cop,
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or are you a movie star
doing research to play a cop?
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- Yeah, listen, there's no need
to flirt with me, all right?
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Even though, you do tick off about...
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three of the boxes
of the type of guy I like.
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- If I could do magic,
I'd put you and me in a genie bottle,
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cast us off to sea,
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and have us wash up in Los Cabos...
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mid-December...
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- BOTH: ...blue whale migration season.
- MAN: Exactly.
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Whisk off to Sammy Hagar's
for some peel-and-eat shrimp
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and some clamato margatinis.
36
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- You had me at "clamahto" margatinis.
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- You say "clamahto," I say "clamayto."
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- And you know what I would say
if I were a blue whale?
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- JONES: Come on!
- TRAVIS: This time for real.
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- CHERISHA: There you go!
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- TRAVIS: All right. Do it again!
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- JONES: Pretty good. Pretty good.
- ALL: Pretty good. Pretty good.
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- JIM: You know who can't shoot like that?
- CHERISHA: Yeah.
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- Spark's Department. Fuck those guys.
- Fuck those guys.
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- CHERISHA: I think that's a lucky shirt.
- TRAVIS: Yeah.
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- JIM: You know where he got this?
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He goes to the lads section,
the boys section...
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- TRAVIS: Yeah, large boys.
- JIM: Large boys...
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He points to the three mannequins...
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Sold, sold, sold, and he walks out.
- TRUDY: Like a millionaire.
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- You look a regular Magnum P.I.
over there.
52
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- And then Donny Junior
can use them after.
53
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- No, but you wear a smedium.
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- He's a husky smedium, yeah.
- Husky smedium.
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- But you know, most Americans--
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- Hey, you guys, I forgot to tell you.
I bought a new turtleneck.
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- These are men's shoes.
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- Yeah, we figured.
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- You remember I warned you, right?
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- It's okay, baby.
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We all have white friends.
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- Yeah. Wait, just a second.
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Hello.
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Yes, sir.
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- It's about work.
- Yes, sir.
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No. We are actually off duty today, sir.
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It's ICE.
- MAN: Oh, shit!
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- It's ICE. It's Immigration... Yes, sir.
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- JIM: The Immigration?
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- We would love to.
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You know, we are not allowed to do backup
on Immigration raids.
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Them snowflakes on the City Council,
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them goddamn libtards...
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- Ordinance 42!
- Ordinance 42.
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And then the goddamn snowflakes
they voted for it,
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and we are a sanctuary county.
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00:04:03,855 --> 00:04:06,816
Yes, sir. OK, wait just a second.
I'll let you speak to my supervisor.
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- No, I don't wanna talk!
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- TRUDY: Losers! I haven't even
finished my hot dog.
80
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- Hello, this is Lieutenant Dangle.
81
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- What are you doing?
82
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- It's...
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- No, no, no!
- Here.
84
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- Shit, shit, shit!
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- Hello, this is Carol Wiegel. Yes.
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- Fuck, that's her real last name!
That's her actual name!
87
00:04:29,797 --> 00:04:33,718
- No. We're very busy actually
because we just found a whole...
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bunch of dead bodies.
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- Carol, we need you.
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- Hold on, please.
Someone's calling me by my name.
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- Carol.
- Yes, this Carol. Can I help you?
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- JONES: You need to play it out.
Get the phone...
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- It turns out it was nothing. Anyway...
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- Just get it from her!
- Carol?
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- I think I lost him.
- WOMAN: Then we good.
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- Maria...
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- At the Comida Mart.
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00:05:01,328 --> 00:05:03,039
- Why don't you have a wedding ring?
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- I had one.
100
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But I messed up.
101
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I think I got hitched a little too early.
102
00:05:09,129 --> 00:05:10,922
Then we had us a little girl and...
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- Well, kids ruin everything.
104
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I didn't know my dad.
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Anyway, all I know about him is...
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he's really hot, and he had...
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the strangest tattoo.
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It said "Fuck Newt Gingrich."
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Right here.
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"Fuck Newt Gingrich."
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- Did you say "Fuck Newt Gingrich?"
- Yes.
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- You mean like this
"Fuck Newt Gingrich" tattoo?
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- Gross.
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- I guess some of that
got awful weird, huh?
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- It's fine.
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- Well, I didn't know
you was my little girl.
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- Yeah, we didn't know!
- We didn't know.
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- Anything I said to you as a whale,
I take back.
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- I'm sorry, baby.
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I'm sorry I was a deadbeat.
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You know that Harley I got parked outside?
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I want you to have it.
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- No, I can't let you do that.
Are you sure?
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- Okay. I'm su--
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Baby, you gotta let me do this for you.
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- "Fuck Newt Gingrich."
That's what it says.
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- Yeah, fuck him for all time.
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- How do you like my new bike?
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That wasn't my dad.
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I'm not that gross, come on!
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I saw that tattoo when he was booked,
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and I thought, "Well, I'm gonna have
a little fun with him."
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And just for the record, my dad owns
an erotic puppet theater in Tallahassee,
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and has to stay at least a 1000 yards away
from me at all times.
10158
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