Original subtitles

- So, we give a lot of tickets for people doing stuff...

...like jerking off in public and things you shouldn't really do.

So today we thought we'd do a new program that we call

"Operation Frown Upside Down."

We were going to do that together but... - Yeah, that's fine.

- We are gonna give this man a ticket...

but a ticket to...

a movie! - A movie!

- It's called Book Club Bandit$.

And get this, the "s" is a dollar sign.

- And it's staring Jennifer Lopez,

and Awkwafina who I absolutely love.

- Watch us blow this guy's mind.

Sheriff's Department.

- MAN: Back away from my car!

- JONES: Holy shit!

- Sir, I'm trying to give you free popcorn, you motherfucker!

- Good morning, prince charming.

You remember why we pulled you in here?

- You wanna remind me, blue eyes?

- You flunked a field sobriety test and we impounded your Harley.

- Oh, shit.

Can I ask you a question? - Sure.

- Are you really a cop,

or are you a movie star doing research to play a cop?

- Yeah, listen, there's no need to flirt with me, all right?

Even though, you do tick off about...

three of the boxes of the type of guy I like.

- If I could do magic, I'd put you and me in a genie bottle,

cast us off to sea,

and have us wash up in Los Cabos...

mid-December...

- BOTH: ...blue whale migration season. - MAN: Exactly.

Whisk off to Sammy Hagar's for some peel-and-eat shrimp

and some clamato margatinis.

- You had me at "clamahto" margatinis.

- You say "clamahto," I say "clamayto."

- And you know what I would say if I were a blue whale?

- JONES: Come on! - TRAVIS: This time for real.

- CHERISHA: There you go!

- TRAVIS: All right. Do it again!

- JONES: Pretty good. Pretty good. - ALL: Pretty good. Pretty good.

- JIM: You know who can't shoot like that? - CHERISHA: Yeah.

- Spark's Department. Fuck those guys. - Fuck those guys.

- CHERISHA: I think that's a lucky shirt. - TRAVIS: Yeah.

- JIM: You know where he got this?

He goes to the lads section, the boys section...

- TRAVIS: Yeah, large boys. - JIM: Large boys...

He points to the three mannequins...

Sold, sold, sold, and he walks out. - TRUDY: Like a millionaire.

- You look a regular Magnum P.I. over there.

- And then Donny Junior can use them after.

- No, but you wear a smedium.

- He's a husky smedium, yeah. - Husky smedium.

- But you know, most Americans--

- Hey, you guys, I forgot to tell you. I bought a new turtleneck.

- These are men's shoes.

- Yeah, we figured.

- You remember I warned you, right?

- It's okay, baby.

We all have white friends.

- Yeah. Wait, just a second.

Hello.

Yes, sir.

- It's about work. - Yes, sir.

No. We are actually off duty today, sir.

It's ICE. - MAN: Oh, shit!

- It's ICE. It's Immigration... Yes, sir.

- JIM: The Immigration?

- We would love to.

You know, we are not allowed to do backup on Immigration raids.

Them snowflakes on the City Council,

them goddamn libtards...

- Ordinance 42! - Ordinance 42.

And then the goddamn snowflakes they voted for it,

and we are a sanctuary county.

Yes, sir. OK, wait just a second. I'll let you speak to my supervisor.

- No, I don't wanna talk!

- TRUDY: Losers! I haven't even finished my hot dog.

- Hello, this is Lieutenant Dangle.

- What are you doing?

- It's...

- No, no, no! - Here.

- Shit, shit, shit!

- Hello, this is Carol Wiegel. Yes.

- Fuck, that's her real last name! That's her actual name!

- No. We're very busy actually because we just found a whole...

bunch of dead bodies.

- Carol, we need you.

- Hold on, please. Someone's calling me by my name.

- Carol. - Yes, this Carol. Can I help you?

- JONES: You need to play it out. Get the phone...

- It turns out it was nothing. Anyway...

- Just get it from her! - Carol?

- I think I lost him. - WOMAN: Then we good.

- Maria...

- At the Comida Mart.

- Why don't you have a wedding ring?

- I had one.

But I messed up.

I think I got hitched a little too early.

Then we had us a little girl and...

- Well, kids ruin everything.

I didn't know my dad.

Anyway, all I know about him is...

he's really hot, and he had...

the strangest tattoo.

It said "Fuck Newt Gingrich."

Right here.

"Fuck Newt Gingrich."

- Did you say "Fuck Newt Gingrich?" - Yes.

- You mean like this "Fuck Newt Gingrich" tattoo?

- Gross.

- I guess some of that got awful weird, huh?

- It's fine.

- Well, I didn't know you was my little girl.

- Yeah, we didn't know! - We didn't know.

- Anything I said to you as a whale, I take back.

- I'm sorry, baby.

I'm sorry I was a deadbeat.

You know that Harley I got parked outside?

I want you to have it.

- No, I can't let you do that. Are you sure?

- Okay. I'm su--

Baby, you gotta let me do this for you.

- "Fuck Newt Gingrich." That's what it says.

- Yeah, fuck him for all time.

- How do you like my new bike?

That wasn't my dad.

I'm not that gross, come on!

I saw that tattoo when he was booked,

and I thought, "Well, I'm gonna have a little fun with him."

And just for the record, my dad owns an erotic puppet theater in Tallahassee,

and has to stay at least a 1000 yards away from me at all times.