Original subtitles

- JIM: The squirrels in the ducts are still there.

- I hear 'em.

- I feel like they're staring to...

You know, the one with the... I feel...

No one thinks that it sounds a little bit like,

a tiny bit like they're singing?

At all?

They're not words but, you know...

- It's... Yeah, I know what you mean. - They're not singing. I'm not crazy.

- What do you hear them singing, Jim?

- I don't... See. I knew you're gonna be...

Everybody's gonna be dicks.

I don't think the squirrels in the ducts are singing "words."

They're not... They're not Marvin Hamlisch.

- Maybe, just maybe... you need to take a break.

You've been here for a long, damn time and maybe you need to just take a break.

- There's a spa outside of Primm...

- JONES: Yeah. - ...that's very nice.

- Are you guys doing Of Mice and Men

where you lead me out to Primm and then you shoot me in the head?

- No! - TRAVIS: No!

- God damn it. - TRAVIS: You can Google it.

There's a very nice kind of a... - JAMES: Yeah.

- ...like a spa thing...

- Why is everybody so excited for me to go to Primm?

What's going on? - TRAVIS: We're not excited.

- We're worried about you. - We just think you need a break.

You just said that the squirrels were singing.

- Not words! They're not making words!

I didn't say they were making words!

- Jim, go to Primm.

- Yeah, yeah, I'll go to Primm. - I think we all could use a break.

- I'll go to Primm.

- I hear 'em singing. - See?

- Hey! I'm in a limo... sort of car.

Hi! - Hey!

- Just twerking in a limo.

Twerking in a limo. - Don't hate.

- Don't hate. - Don't hate.

That's not safe, Jim.

Do I have taffy in my teeth?

- Yes. - Oh, my God.

- Quite a bit. I can't... - Well, get it.

- Guys, guys, guys.

- Cut that shit out. You want a bullet in my head?

- No, sir. - No, sir. Sorry, sir.

- Decoy is called "Disco Duck," all right?

- So it's not the real one. - It's not the real Bernie.

We're gonna take the real Bernie offstage.

- Okay. - Through the back.

You're gonna take the Disco Duck through the front

so everybody can see him, cause a distraction.

You understand? - Yes, sir.

- That guy was cool. - That guy was so fucking cool.

- So fucking cool, man. - Wow!

- Disco Duck.

- Oh, my gosh! - Wow!

- How're you doin'? - You're not...

- Pleasure to meet you, "Bernie."

- All right, your country depends on you. - Check.

- All right. - Wow.

- Hey. How are you guys?

- JIM: So we can talk to you, really?

- Yeah, of course you can. -Okay.

- I'm just a guy... - Oh, God. It just felt weird.

- I'm just an actor from LA. Just a guy.

- Wow! - That's... Wow!

- Wow! - I thought I recognized you.

- I don't know if you're fans of Hogan's Heroes?

- Who isn't? Come on. No.

- I was an extra a lot on that show.

- That's where I've seen you. - Yeah.

I got to be really good friends with one Robert Crane.

- Wow! - What a great guy...

- Wow. - Yeah.

If you know anything about-- - I don't, but I heard...

I mean, he seems amazing. - He was so...

I wondered what happened to him 'cause he was so...

- Handsome. So handsome. - He got killed by a good friend of his.

Me, him and Schultz, right?

- Schultz? - You know the Sergeant?

- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

"No, no, no! No one is saying..."

- We used to gallivant around Sunset Boulevard.

- JIM: No. - TRAVIS: Wow!

- JIM: Wow! - Having so much sex.

No, I'm talking about just blowjob...

Hey, you guys like to party?

You guys like to party a little bit?

- I am gonna look up for a second. - We're gonna look that way.

- JACKIE: Yeah. - There she is.

- JACK: Yeah! - JONES: Okay.

- JACK: Hello. - No, thank you.

If I say "no, thank you"...

Hold my call. Hello.

This is Jackie. Yes.

- You don't get service. - Shut the...

- Hey, you gotta pick this stuff up.

- You have to pick it all up, how 'bout that?

- No, no, no, no. - Come on!

- Now you have to pick it all up. - JONES: No. No. No, Jackie.

- JACKIE: Don't touch! That's my stuff. - JAMES: What are they?

- Poussin, smartass. What do you think this is?

It's used condoms and teeth in the bottom of the baggy.

Everybody's got those.

- Jackie, please come with us.

- We don't wanna touch you. - You think I don't...

- Please, come on. Just...

- That came out of my nose. - Oh, man!

- JACKIE: This happened again. - Let's do a thing.

Just follow... follow me. - Okay.

- Hey, the two of us would like

to obtain your services, so...

- But we want to do it... Yeah. -...in the car.

- God damn, I haven't even had breakfast yet.

Well, let me first make sure I'm not pregnant.

- What're you doing? Oh, don't! No, don't pee!

-JACKIE: Hold on! It's for your own good. You want to fuckin'...

You want to pay alimony for the rest of the year?

- JACK: That would be the least of my worries, that you're pregnant...

- I'm checking it. I'm checking it. - JACK: She just peed...

- No, we're good. Where do you want it?

- In the car. - Yeah.

- In the butt? - Yeah.

- Yes, but in the car. - Okay.

- Come on. - I don't feel like it!

- Let's go. - What kind of party can we have

with a laxative and some petroleum jelly?

It's nice in here. - JACK: Yeah, there you go.

- JACKIE: Okay. - Put that up.

- Okay. - JACKIE: Help.

JACKIE: Oh, I'm shitting.

- JACK: You said you're shitting? - JACKIE: No!

- JIM: I'm gonna look over here.

- How did you get the decoy work?

- I've done decoy work before.

I did Biden when he was VP. - You did Biden?

- I've done the late Joe McCarthy who ran the blacklist...

- Wonderful guy.

- Okay, guys. Thirty seconds to Disco Duck.

Thirty seconds to Disco Duck. - Thank God.

- Okay. - He's really with you, right?

- Twenty-five seconds.

- Look, I'm gonna take a little hit.

- JIM: I'm gonna look the other way. - Before we go...

- Ten seconds to Disco Duck! - Yes, sir.

- Okay. - Here we go.

- You kinda have some... - Here, here, here.

- You sure you're good? 'Cause that was kind of a lot. Okay.

Here we go. Here he is, everybody.

- TRAVIS: Just move him. Just move him. - That's him.

Nothing to see here.

- I am the real Bernie.

- That's him. - CROWD: Bernie!

- JIM: That's him. - I am the real Bernie.

- MAN: Shit. Shit!

Can we get him in?

- TRAVIS: He's fine! - Shit.

- JIM: Oh, my God!

- TRAVIS: You got the EpiPen or anything? He's not breathing.

- Oh, he's dead. - Oh, God!

- We were in a car with a dead guy. - He's dead, he's dead. What do we do?

- We're in so much trouble. - We just call the Secret Service.

What do we do? What do we do? - Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Check it out.

Check it out. Check it out. - That's me.

- Oh, my God. - That's you!

- Hey, we're on the news! Look at that! - We're on TV!

- Wow! - Wow!

We're also on this one.

- Honolulu. - Neat.

"Bernie Sanders collapses dead in the Reno-Sparks Convention Center."

- Let's dump him. Let's just dump him.

Let's just push him out of the car.

- We're in Sparks now, a little bit.

If Sparks SD finds a body? - Not our problem.

- With my fingerprints? - Oh, fuck.

- Sorry, sir.

- All right, I got it. I'll hold on to it. I'll hold on to it.

I'll put it in evidence. - Okay.

Somebody know what these are?

Watch him. - Yeah. No, no, no, I take these.

- Yeah. - Yeah, I take these.

- Those are like mama's little helpers. - Those are mama's little helpers.

- Never doing that. - Pulled these off of him earlier.

- These will help carry him. If we're gonna...

- JIM: We're gonna carry him.

- If we're gonna carry him 40 feet, I'm just sayin'.

- JIM: Sorry.

- Okay. Yeah, let's do it.

- Hi! - CROWD: Bernie, Bernie, Bernie!

Bernie, Bernie, Bernie! Bernie, Bernie, Bernie!

Bernie, Bernie, Bernie! Bernie, Bernie, Bernie!

- JIM: Go, go, go, go, go!

Holy shit, Susan Sarandon!